Part One: Nathan
One Last Kiss… (Madina Lake) ‘She looked at me, her eyes were watering, That's when I knew that this was about to end, Frozen in that moment, time was standing still, And I could feel my heart sinking, fragile...’ I’m on the rebound I guess. Ok so it’s not as simple as that. It’s no way near as simple as that. I spent the best part of almost three years explaining how much I loved her, believing she felt the same. I think it came down to how people perceive a relationship; I saw it as an intimate bond between two people, Emma saw it as an intimate bond with anyone who hadn’t already been between her legs. I was an idiot to think she’d stay faithful, and even more of a fool not to see it straight away. Consciously I knew something was going on but couldn’t bring myself to think it. ‘We need to talk.’ My head jolted to face her. I knew what was coming. Only one thing ever happened when that sentence was used. ‘About what?’ She turned away from me, she was about to break my heart but couldn’t even look me in the eyes whilst she did it. I repeated myself, I was more firm this time. She noticed the strain in my voice and turned back to face me. ‘I don’t think I can do this anymore Nathan.’ ‘Do what? Why are you calling me Nathan, you never call me Nathan?’ ‘Me and you, I can’t be with you, I feel too guilty.’ It felt like a dream in which I was falling and waiting to hit the ground. It was obvious where it was going I just wanted to see if she had the guts to say it. ‘Too guilty about what?’ I asked. Her eyes searched for something to focus on, something that wasn’t me. Her fingers rubbed the palms of her hands, she was holding back, trying to avoid me. ‘Too guilty about what?’ I asked her again, my voice growing impatient. ‘There is…There’s someone else.’ Her voice was almost a faint whisper but still loud enough for the words to stab into me. ‘Goodbye, She said, There’s someone in this world for you, So goodluck, She said, I went and found somebody new...’ ‘Who is he?’ I could feel my teeth gritting together, my jaw trembled with every word. ‘You don’t know him.’ Her arms were folded now, like she was holding herself, she rubbed one of her arms, for comfort I guess. ‘How long has it been going on?’ I could feel myself shaking at this point, my jaw ached, my eyes glazed over and I clenched one of my fists, my body was consumed by an array of emotions. ‘A few months. I think…I think I love him.’ Her eyes shifted, she was looking right past me. ‘Have you slept with him?’ The tremble in my voice had disappeared, instead I sounded intimidating. ‘Does it matter?’ She sighed, she didn’t want to answer it. I jumped up off her bed and stood in front of her, I was a lot taller and much broader than she was. She stepped back slightly. ‘Have you?’ I asked again abruptly.
‘Yes.’ She looked me directly in the eyes. Her eyes glazed over and so did mine, again. My stomach sank so low I just felt hollow. The lump in my throat just kept growing until I couldn’t swallow anymore. My heart was racing I could feel it banging at my chest. Each breath felt like my last, I was holding onto every gasp of air until it wasn’t possible to hold on any longer. I forced myself to let it go. It felt like my whole body was shutting down and it forgot to tell me. I felt so helpless. ‘And I, Can't lie still, When there’s someone else beside you, And I, Can cry still, Cuz I’m all alone this time...’ ‘I’m sorry.’ It sounded genuine, but it meant nothing. She came towards me and placed her hand on mine, her hands were so soft; they sent shivers through my whole body. I felt like I’d been given a boost of life and my body slowly started up again. I looked down at her hand and shook it off in disgust. ‘I don’t want to hear it. Just answer me one thing?’ ‘Yes?’ She looked up at me. This was the most eye contact we’d had since I walked in her room. ‘Was there any others?’ Her eyes shot to the floor and her head lowered. ‘There was, wasn’t there?!’ ‘Nathan please let me explain.’ ‘Explain what? You’ve took the piss out of me for long enough, I don’t need a detailed description of how you did it!’ ‘I’m sorry, please don’t be like this’ ‘What am I supposed to be like? I love you!’ ‘I love you too.’ ‘No you don’t! You can’t love two people Emma!’ ‘Just calm down please.’ ‘How many was there?’ ‘How many was what?’ ‘How many people have you been shagging behind my back?!’ ‘Nathan stop, please.’ ‘Answer me.’ She didn’t reply. Tears were falling down her face. In any other situation I’d hold her and tell her I loved her, I hate seeing her cry. But this time all I could do was watch. ‘Answer me!’ ‘There were two others.’ Her hands shook as she wiped away the tears. I was back at square one; my body completely went into melt down. I looked at her one last time and a shooting pain pierced through my chest. I turned towards the door and walked out. ‘Nathan, wait please!’ I barely heard her, I couldn’t hear anything, only my own breathing. I walked downstairs, she followed me. She tried to speak to me but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. I opened the door and left without looking back. ‘I gave you everything you wanted, And now, I know your giving me up...’
Everybody’s Changing (Keane) ‘You say you wander your own land, But when I think about it, I don't see how you can, You're aching, you're breaking, And I can see the pain in your eyes, Since everybody's changing, And I don't know why…’ First day and already I’m late. Not such a good start really. Public transport isn’t something I rate highly, but to be fair, it’s more of the public rather than the transport that makes me cringe. John Greenwood. Possibly the man we all have to thank for establishing Manchester’s first bus service, as well as conditions such as claustrophobia and social discomfort. Those lucky enough to sit down on a bus can chose one of two options: create obstructions using baggage, including their own body to stop anyone else from sitting next to them, or willingly provide the spare seat to remain free for someone else. There are however, those who remain undecided throughout the duration of the journey and selectively chose when and if they want someone to sit next to them. These are the worst kind of travellers, the greedy ones. The ones who think they can play god in the transport world, ‘I have a spare seat but I will choose who will sit there. Who is worthy enough to sit in my presence?’ Unfortunately those who have to remain standing often regret getting on the bus in the first place. By the end of their journey they find themselves moulded into the person or object they had been squashed up against. But thank you Mr Greenwood, your contribution to society makes my life worth living. The bus approached my stop, everyone that had squeezed under the pathetic excuse of a shelter scurried together to form a cue. I stumbled in and found myself almost at the front. I had the pleasure of being poked in the head with a large rainbow coloured umbrella which flooded me with the rain it had been collecting. Not many seats were left, looking around I could see a set of four. Two were occupied by girls wearing black blazers accompanied by a white shirt, a blue tie and a black skirt short enough to be a belt. Not that I was looking. I sat on one of the two seats facing them. They watched me slowly descend to my seat, their eyes were all over me. I slouched slightly for comfort, as I did so my knees came into contact with the girl sat in front of me, I jerked up, unsure of the reaction I was about to get. She gave me a nervous glance and a brief smile. She had a nice smile, it was warm and friendly, as if we knew each other. I smiled back and swiftly turned to look out of the window. I was still smiling when I managed to see an old woman walk past giving me a strange look. I dragged the smirk off my face and plugged in my iPod before glancing back at the girl. She was still looking at me. Why was she still looking at me? She leaned forward and turned her head, throwing her hair to one side, facing the blonde girl sat next to her. She whispered something, almost pressing her lips against the girl’s ear. I turned my music down in an attempt to catch what was being said and tried to lip read what I couldn’t hear. By this point I was gawping at them. The blonde giggled and stared directly at me. Still facing the blonde, she turned her head enough so that our eyes met. She took one long look at me with her dark eyes and then fell back onto her seat. She slouched back, purposely so that her legs would touch mine, her smile was no longer nervous, it was filled with confidence. She ran her fingers through her long brown hair, pushing her fringe away from her face. She obviously wanted my attention, and she definitely had it. I was watching her every movement. Her leg was pressed against my jeans and slowly moved up and down the inside of my thigh. There was no mistaking it. She was coming on to me.
Someone pressed the bell and half of the bus suddenly jumped up. I snapped out of my trance. A stream of black blazers marched down the aisle between the seats. The girls stood up and I was enthralled again, they straightened up and followed the crowd. I looked around for the school and spotted a sign that said ST. Michael’s RC High School. They got off the bus and as they walked towards the window where I was sat they stopped. The bus was in motion but my eyes stayed fixated on them. She kissed her finger tips and blew the gesture slowly to me, the blonde looked at her and they started laughing as they walked off. When I finally arrived in town I made my way to the central bus station and jumped up the steps of the nearest bus. ‘D’ya go anywhere near Xaverian College mate?’ ‘Erm, yeah, up Wilmslow Road, yeah?’ We exchanged a blank look. He was as clueless as me. ‘Er…Yeah.’ I saved myself the trouble of asking any more geographical questions, I didn’t want to ask him anything that required some form of intellectual input. ‘What time are you leaving?’ I asked. The blank expression continued as he pulled his sleeve up and glared at his watch. A few seconds passed and he was still glaring at his wrist. ‘Two minutes, and thirty seconds.’ Was it really necessary for him to include the thirty seconds? ‘Ok, thanks.’ I shown him my bus pass and sat down near the back of the lower deck. This time I was alone, there was no hot school girls, there was no hot anybody’s. The bus consisted of me, a bloke with too much hair wearing a torn denim jacket and an old woman gripping onto her shopping trolley. Two minutes and thirty seconds later the engine started and the iPod was back on to pass the time. I reached in my back pocket and pulled out my temporary timetable. Psychology was the first on the list. I’d be lucky if I made it for 9 o’clock. The bus jerked every now and then, usually a few seconds before it stopped. Unfortunately this occurred just before EVERY bus stop. People dived on in attempt to escape the rain. It was the first time I felt able to answer that age-old question ‘How many people can you fit on a bus?’ Too fucking many! The majority were people around my age, they covered the bus like flies on shit so I couldn’t help but notice when a girl and boy sat in front of me and started talking. My first - my only - response was to turn my music down and listen in. ‘I can’t believe what she said to me! And oh my god did you hear what Chloe said about me? The shit stirring little cow.’ ‘No…’ His voice was dull, as if he had to listen to this a lot. ‘She told Zoe that I went through her phone to look for Steven’s number because I fancy him. I don’t even fancy him, I just think he’s fit, and I wasn’t looking for his number; it just happened to be on her dialled calls. Then, Zoe had a complete bitch at me about it, I tried to explain but she wouldn’t even listen to me…’ ‘Hmm.’ ‘If she even tries to speak to me today she can take it and shove it up her arse.’ ‘Yeah.’ The conversation carried on more or less like this for a few minutes, with the boy responding as little as possible. It was only by chance and an excess amount of eavesdropping that I finally heard something of interest. ‘I can’t believe we start college today! I’m so nervous.’
She didn’t sound nervous. She sounded like she was high from sniffing pixie dust or smoking sugar-coated banana peels. ‘Yeah, me too.’ Why couldn’t she have mentioned college at the start of the conversation, that way I wouldn’t have had to listen to an audio clip from her autobiography? At least I could follow them to Xaverian and I wouldn’t be the only one late. The boy stood up and pulled his jeans up slightly, as I was rising to my feet he sat back down. I however was still halfway between sitting and standing, looking as though I’d adopted a squatting position. I sank slowly to my seat and received a number of looks from the people surrounding me. He stood up again, but this time I hesitated to move, they were both on their feet and began to make their way to the front of the bus. I thought it was safe for me to leave my seat and I too made my way to the front of the bus. I followed them off the bus and walked behind them as they made their way to the nearest entrance. The building I needed was near the entrance, making things a lot easier considering I was already late. I eyed up the prison I would be kept in for the next hour or so and headed for the doors. On the way I passed three classes and felt twenty-something eyes burn into me each time. The doors opened on their own accord, apparently they were ‘automatic’, I found that hard to believe. Squeezing through the cracks in the pavement would have proved quicker and easier. The corridors were deserted, I ran up the stairs and stopped on the first floor, two big blue doors cut me off from the classrooms I had to walk past. I opened one manually - and took a deep breath. Walking down the corridor felt like walking down death row. The classrooms seemed endless and none of them were mine. I carried on until I finally found my room; the second to last door on the right. This was going to be nothing less than awkward, especially when every set of eyes would pinpoint on me and my every movement. Being on show at a zoo would have been a lot less intimidating. I pushed the handle down and put my foot in the first Psychology lesson of the year. ‘You’re late. Name?’ ‘Er…sorry sir…’ ‘Name?’ ‘Nathan Lewis.’ He didn’t even look at me; his head was bowed, looking down at a piece of paper on his desk. ‘Take a seat.’ Arrogant sod. I briefly scanned the room and hastily made my way to the row of desks joined together facing the door my back was pressed against. I sat – alone - and examined the room properly. There were small groups of people, two’s and three’s, dotted around the room engaged in conversation, it was clear that they hadn’t jus met. ‘My name is Mike Green. You may call me Sir or Mr Green.’ He announced to the inferior members of the room, also known as the students. Silence overpowered the noise as his voice echoed off each wall. His head lifted from the piece of paper he was previously scrutinising and his body was now upright and stiff. ‘Psychology is an in depth study of human behaviour and how the mind works, if you think we will all be taking turns lying on a couch and expressing our feelings then you chose the wrong subject. What we will be doing is work, and a lot of it.’ He folded his arms as he lowered himself to casually sit on his desk. He was in charge and took no shit, he didn’t have to say it, his body language said it all. ‘You will all be sitting two exams in order to complete you’re A/S grades, one in January and the other in June. We will study six topics altogether, the only two you have to
worry about for now are Stress and Abnormality. If you work hard this year, you can expect good grades and progression onto next year. If not, it’s wasted your year not mine.’ What a tosser! ‘Starting Monday we will be looking at the Induction Booklet properly, it is a brief insight of what Psychology is. The next two weeks are classed as an Induction period. This is the time when you decide if you have made the right choice concerning subjects. Most of you will find you have not.’ Is there any way of shutting this Pratt up? ‘Look at the first page and complete the first exercise with the person sat next to you.’ He handed out the Induction Booklet and everyone paired off, except me. I felt like I was back in primary school, sharing my work with the person next to me, except I had no person next to me. His eyes rolled around the room, I lowered my head into the booklet in an effort that he wouldn’t notice me. ‘Lewis.’ Please don’t mean me. Please don’t mean me… ‘Nathan Lewis.’ I looked up, so did everyone else. He raised one of his eyebrows and looked at me in the same way a predator looked at his prey, with delight. He pointed to an empty chair in between a small group of girls and a boy slouched back in his chair. The girls looked as though they had been pulled out of a box labelled Barbie whereas he looked far from being ‘Action Man’. He had his hair gelled like an overgrown hedgehog and bobbed his head like a nodding dog on a car dashboard. ‘Sit there, and work with Brad.’ I stood up and walked towards the row of desks against the back wall which were coincidently in line with Mr Green’s desk. I shuffled past at least five people to reach my new seat. I dragged the chair out and fell onto it. Brad - still nodding his head – put one of his arms on the back of his chair and the other resting on the desk before turning to face me. There was an uncomfortable silence so I tried to break the ice. ‘So, we gotta ask each other questions?’ ‘You just asked your first, and yes.’ He spoke, very, slow, and exhaled loudly when he had finished. ‘Right. Aren’t you gonna ask me one then?’ ‘There’s your second, and yes.’ He made a crooked smirk which eventually turned into some form of pout. This guy’s a comic genius. ‘What other lessons are you taking this year?’ ‘Well, this, English Language, Law and Art.’ I rolled it off my tongue quickly so I didn’t spend too much time talking to him. He wrote my answers down in one of the boxes on the page with handwriting that was barely readable. ‘What about you, what are you taking?’ ‘As in subjects?’ ‘Yes.’ Well what else did I mean? ‘This year?’ ‘Yes.’ I was losing my patience with him and I think he got the hint with the expression on my face. ‘I’m taking this, English Language, English Literature and History.’ Please don’t be in my English class, please. I wrote his answers down, putting detail and time into each letter and word, hoping that he wouldn’t carry on until I was finished, but he did. He asked me a few more questions, about my family, my GCSE results, my interests etc and I just followed his questions by asking exactly the same thing. I didn’t understand the
point in the task, we were only doing it to ‘find out something new about the person we were sat next to’, something Mr Green made clear halfway through one of the questions. In other words we were being forced to make friends with a complete stranger, to be honest I’d prefer it if Brad stayed that way, a stranger. ‘Right then, let’s hear some of these questions and answers.’ He must be joking, he might as well make us sit in a circle, hold hands and sing Kumbaya. ‘Brad. What have you found out about Nathan?’ I looked at Brad, he smirked to himself. What was he going to say? ‘Well I asked Nathan if he’s got a girlfriend, and he said no, but he’s on the look out for one before the week is up, any offers?’ My face dropped, I never said that! There were a few giggles from different parts of the room. ‘And what about you Nathan?’ I looked up and glared at Mr Green. What have I learnt about Brad, apart from he has a twitch in his neck, half a tub of gel attached to his scalp and a disfigured grin, well… ‘I asked Brad what his hobbies and aspirations were. He said he loves taking long walks on Blackpool beach, he hopes to achieve the title of Miss Britain and looks forward to the day when there’ll be world peace.’ The smirk dropped from Brad’s face and he sat up straight as the people around him began to laugh. Through the corner of my eye I could see half a smile appear on Mr Green’s face, he settled everyone down and continued to ask the class what they had found out about their new ‘friend’. Walking out of Psychology meant I knew at least one thing about every person in the class, which was a load of bull. As soon as the little fiasco between me and Brad ended I completely switched off whilst everyone else took a turn to ramble on about the person they were sat next to. ‘So little time, Try to understand that I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game, I try to stay awake and remember my name, But everybody's changing, And I don't feel the same…’ It was break and I couldn’t wait to get out of the building and see my friends. After passing the ‘automatic’ doors I stood still for a moment to take in my surroundings. The sun had come out, finally, and was beaming in my eyes making anything ahead of me hard to make out. Phil mentioned last night that everyone was going to meet on the grass, it just so happened that the grass was right in front of me, I just couldn’t see it. ‘Lew!’ I knew that voice. I walked forward hoping not to walk into any unsuspecting fellow students until I saw someone I recognised. It was Phil. ‘Hey Lew, you alright?’ ‘Yea, just had psych, what about you?’ ‘I had maths, it was a right laugh, the teacher’s alright and I got talking to some people in my class.’ ‘Oh right.’ ‘Psychology any good?’ ‘It’s ok but the teacher’s a dick head and I had to sit next to some muppet.’ ‘Hard luck Lew.’ He sat on the grass and I was about to do the same. ‘Just a warning before you sit down, you might get a wet arse.’
I smiled and sat down. There was about fifteen of us sat in a circle, or what was meant to be a circle. I was glad to be out here with them, maybe my day was going to turn around after all, and surely one of them had to be in one of my other classes. I didn’t speak much, instead I concentrated on what everyone else had to say, the lads were really looking forward to starting properly on Monday, especially Phil. I thought the girls would have been less keen, they were bound to have been split up from each other but, I was wrong. Was I the only one who really didn’t want to be here? Hands covered my eyes. I already knew who it was. ‘Hey Rhea.’ ‘Hey honey, you ok?’ ‘I’m ok, are you?’ She crouched down behind me and I turned to face her. ‘Yeah, I love it! I can’t wait till Monday, what do you think?’ ‘I hate it.’ I said, straight to the point. ‘Aw, why?’ ‘I dunno I just don’t like it.’ ‘Give it chance, you’ve still got the rest of the day to go.’ ‘Yeah, I suppose.’ She gave me a hug to try and cheer me up and then sat down next to me and Phil. The conversations carried on flowing and I managed now and again to mumble a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or ‘um’, but apart from that I was mainly silent. It was the end of break, they all still had smiles on their faces but I on the other hand had a face like a smacked arse. I stumbled up onto my feet and headed back to the building I had rushed out of fifteen minutes earlier. ‘You're gone from here, Soon you will disappear, Fading into beautiful light, 'cause everybody's changing, And I don't feel right…’ ‘Lew...Nathan!’ I turned around and saw Charlee power-walking towards me. ‘Are you going to form?’ She said gasping as she approached me. ‘Yeah, are you in here too?’ I asked with wishful thinking. ‘Yeah, what room are you in?’ ‘MF18, what about you?’ ‘You’re right near me, I’m MF19.’ At least I had someone near my form, even if she wasn’t in it. My form room was one room down and to the left of my Psychology class, a bit too close for my own liking. The blue door stood its ground in front of me. I crouched slightly to look through one of the small square windows allowing me to catch sight of the class and its students. The room looked full. I was obviously late, again. A few eyes focused on the window I was glaring through. The attention shift from the front of the room to the door became more than noticeable and I was shortly invited in by a nodding gesture from a young woman sitting at a desk that made her look like an infant at a dining table. I was stood at the desk before the door had time to close, I quickly glanced at my timetable to double check I was in the right room; it said I was. I looked at the woman who had invited me in, she looked too young to be a teacher. ‘Am I in the right class?’ ‘What’s your name?’ ‘Nathan Lewis.’
She bowed her head and scanned the register with a pen, almost half way down the page she stopped and tapped the paper twice with the end of the pen. ‘Yep, you’re in here Nathan, if you’d like to take a seat…’ Her head bobbed up and down as she looked around the room looking for a spare seat, she leaned forward slightly to look behind where I was standing. ‘Just behind you.’ She finished. I turned my head swiftly to check there actually was a seat, there was. I turned around fully and walked towards the desks, I saw the seat, it was the last one on the row, right next to the door, an easy departure for a quick escape. I don’t know how I missed it on the way in. I stood behind the chair and slid the bag strap off my shoulder and lifted it over my head allowing my bag to collapse on the desk. I dragged the chair backwards and slouched down onto it. I fixed my elbow to the desk and rested my head on the palm of my hand. ‘Well, my name’s Kim Ward. Feel free to call me Kim. I don’t really like the whole “Miss” thing, it’s a bit daunting. I’m just as new as you guys, so you might have to bear with me on certain things, like names. I only really see you for form and tutorial once a week so it could take a bit of time before I can put a name to a face.’ I felt something tap my foot. I lifted my head and leant back to see what it was. The girl on my left was getting ready to go under the table, before she had the chance I rolled what looked like a pen towards my hand, which was now dangling alongside the floor. I grabbed it and sat up straight turning to face the girl. ‘There you go.’ I handed her the pen and smiled. ‘Thanks.’ She said and smiled. By this time Kim had become the background noise, mainly because I hadn’t been paying any attention to what she was saying, not out of disrespect, I just couldn’t be arsed. She was running through the register and I only just caught that what she was saying sounded a lot like my name. ‘Nathan Lewis?’ She repeated, as she looked carefully around the room, I guess she really was bad with names, she’d only met me a few minutes ago. ‘Yes.’ I answered whilst raising my arm mid height to catch her attention. She looked in my direction and smiled as she bowed her head to look for the next name. I resumed my slouching position and rested my head back on my palm. ‘So, what subjects you studying?’ I turned slowly to look at the girl whose pen I had retrieved, she was looking back eagerly awaiting my answer. ‘Er, Psychology, English Language, Law and Art. What about you?’ ‘English Lang, English Lit, Law and Politics.’ My face dropped as she spoke. ‘Sounds complicated.’ I said and she smiled politely. ‘What’s your name?’ ‘I’m…’ She was interrupted before she had time to finish. ‘Caitlin Reid?’ Kim stated, rather than asked. ‘Yeah.’ Caitlin replied. She looked at me and smiled, as if to say ‘well that’s my name’. I smiled back, not sure what else to do. ‘Right guys, you’ve got a few minutes ‘til next lesson and there’s nothing else for me to say so you might as well get going.’ Kim said, she finally lifted her head up from the register and gave the class one last look as everyone started to shuffle and stand. I pulled myself off my chair and stood upright, Caitlin did the same; she was a lot smaller than me. I put my hand on the door handle and pressed down allowing myself to disperse into the corridor. ‘I guess I’ll see you around then.’ I directed towards Caitlin. ‘Yeah.’ She smiled back.
She headed down the corridor and linked onto another girl on the way, she looked back in my direction and then carried on walking, she seemed nice enough. I stood by the door of MF19 and waited for Charlee. There were a few others from my form standing around, I presumed that they were waiting for people in different forms. A minute or two passed and the doorway of MF19 seeped out with students. Charlee exited shortly after. She greeted me with a huge grin. What was there to smile about? I hate this place. ‘So, what you got next babe?’ She inquired with the grin permanently attached to her cheeks. ‘English Language, what about you?’ ‘Travel and Tourism, it’s only down here.’ She gestured towards the classrooms surrounding the corridor. ‘Oh right.’ ‘Are you ok?’ ‘Yeah, fine, why?’ ‘I dunno, you just look like you’re on another planet.’ ‘No I’m fine.’ ‘Oh ok then. Well this is me, I think. I’ll meet you on the grass at dinner?’ We stopped outside another blue door which was near the entrance of the corridor. ‘Alright, see ya later.’ We shared a smile and then she pushed the handle down and walked in. I wasn’t sure what you did in Travel and Tourism, I assumed it was all about travel, and tourism. Charlee wanted to be an air stewardess and this apparently was the course she needed to take. I on the other hand had no clue what I wanted to be, I just knew that I wanted to study the subjects I chose. My next lesson wasn’t as close as I thought it might have been. The English department was in a different building which was situated on the other side of the field. It sat in between the majority of the buildings and acted like a central point to the campus. The English department is one of the oldest buildings in the college and I’m pretty sure it was once somebody’s home which hasn’t been touched since they deceased, figuratively speaking in decorative terms. Arriving late to my classes had now become my new adopted tradition, it was only the second lesson and already I had managed to be late three times. The building looked nothing like an educational department, the décor was very 19th century and all the original wood work and doors were still intact, or so I concluded anyway. The doors were made from heavy wood as was noticeable when they came to be opened. There were no glass panels on the doors so it was impossible to check to see if you were outside the right class, or to see if there was anyone in the room, the only way to find out was to take a leap and go in. Holding my breath, I pushed forward what resembled like or what felt like half an oak tree. Straight in front of me was the teacher’s desk, the door opened to the right which in fact hid the vast majority of the class. I couldn’t yet see the other half. To my left and slightly ahead of me was a giant whiteboard attached to the rustic wall, somehow it held the board without bringing the plaster and the structure of the wall crumbling to the floor. A woman stood with her back against the whiteboard and the side of her body pressed against her desk. It was directly in line with the front of class providing a crystal clear view of everything and everyone and also lined up with the door which meant when it opened there was no way of not seeing who had entered. ‘Can I help you?’ ‘Sorry I’m late.’ I mumbled back. ‘Would you like to just wait outside the door.’
Well no not really, but there was no optional choice seen as she wasn’t really asking me. I stepped back and closed the door. Only a short time had passed before I was joined by the teacher. ‘I do not tolerate lateness in my class.’ She said. There was a few seconds of silence, I was speechless. ‘Punctuality is expected at all times.’ She carried on. I still remained silent. ‘However, because this is the first day I accept mishaps such as lateness. But, only on the first day.’ I had lost the colour in my face, but I felt relieved to hear her last sentence, I tried not to show it as I didn’t think it was a wise choice. ‘Is that clear?’ She asked. ‘Yeah, yes it is, Miss…’ I tripped over my words as I spoke, this bitch was harsh. ‘Mrs, Barnes.’ She emphasised the ‘Mrs’ and then pushed the door open as a signal for me to go in. I walked in and found a seat on the middle row which faced the open door, as far away as possible from the desk. As I was getting myself comfy Mrs Barnes acquired the position she was in when I first entered the room. Just as she was about to open her mouth there was a knock on the door. A smallish and rather scrawny boy walked in, his hair was short and gelled-mainly at the back to push down the tuffs of hair that stood out, making his red hair even more prominent. He wore slim-lined glasses which made it hard to spot the frames without squinting. His head was bowed slightly in an attempt to hide himself from the class. He arched his back forward causing him to slouch, probably explaining the height problem, and his clothes hung off him as if he was wearing someone’s twice his size. Mrs Barnes’ eyes darted towards him and the aggravation on her face stood out like a sore thumb. He attempted to speak but before he could even think about arranging words into a sentence she flung herself towards him like a snake on a mouse. ‘Would you like to stand outside.’ She spoke through her teeth which made the experience of hearing that sentence again enough to cut off your ears with a blunt object. I felt better now. Not because she had just chosen her most vulnerable prey yet, but because I knew I was not the only one who had received the ‘punctuality’ lecture. When they both finally re-entered the room Barnes resumed her position whilst he got comfortable in one of the two remaining seats, they both just happened to be next to me. ‘My name’s Ronnie.’ He boasted in my direction. ‘Hi…’ ‘I don’t like people speaking over me.’ Barnes scorched me with her eyes. She wasn’t even talking, the dozy cow. I half smiled at him out of politeness, he grinned back at me making his cheeks rise so much his eyes almost looked closed. This kid was strange. The rest of the lesson flew by; I had figured out a new way of sleeping with my eyes open and practised that for the majority of the hour. I made my way to third lesson, law. Coincidently it was situated in the same building and corridor as my form room and psychology class. I walked in and took a seat. The class was half empty, that could only mean I was on time, or heaven forbid, early. Gradually the class filled up and barely any seats were left. Soon there was only one seat left, and surprisingly, it was the one next to me. I wasn’t sure if I was sending out signals to people that sent them running, I had to be doing something wrong, otherwise I wouldn’t be left with an empty seat as my companion. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Just as I thought all hope was lost, the door opened and in walked a slim blonde wearing black skinny jeans and a grey hoodie. She carried a positive vibe with her as she bounced in the room. Without sounding stereotypical she carried the ‘blonde’ vibe. She held a smile on her face and a fixed view on
the teacher but past the exterior look of hair and make-up there didn’t seem to be anything occupying the interior domains, just air. She was asked to take a seat and then she carefully unpacked as many things as possible, fortunately all the main house appliances didn’t make it out of the bag. However, after she removed a pen and pad from her bag I expected a pair of GHD’s to fall out. She was extremely bubbly and made frequent conversation throughout the lesson which ended almost as quick as it started, I didn’t even realise I had been sat there for nearly an hour and fifteen minutes. The teacher, Mr Matthew’s seemed quiet and easy going, in comparison to some of my other teachers. He let us go a few minutes early and I jolted down the stairs towards the grass where my friends would be waiting. I hoped at least a few of them would be as miserable as what I was but, not even one. Looking at them was like being back at school, they just seemed content with being there. I was far away from content and every time I saw someone smile or laugh I wanted to be far away from here. All I could do was grit my teeth and smile, pretend to everyone that I felt the same as them, pretend that I actually wanted to be here. Maybe if I pretend for long enough I’ll start to believe it, yet I doubt that. ‘So little time, Try to understand that I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game, I try to stay awake and remember my name, But everybody's changing, And I don't feel the same…’ Dinner turned out to be a lot like break, everyone boasting about how great their classes were, how they’d met so many new people and how much they were enjoying college. It became annoying after hearing it at least ten or fifteen times from different people. It became so annoying that I could feel something bubbling up inside of me desperately trying to get out. I couldn’t control it and I felt its sudden outburst. ‘For fuck sake give it a rest, this place is a pile of shite, you’re all acting as if it’s Christmas come early!’ I stopped when I realised I’d said it all out loud and everyone was staring in my direction. Jaws dropped and those who felt awkward let their eyes wander in a different direction. That was definitely out of the blue and unexpected as it showed on all their faces. I bowed my head and started picking at the grass next to my feet. I mumbled a few words to myself that were inaudible to the rest of the group. There was a small but noticeable awkward silence in which everyone was trying to think of something to say to break the ice. Finally people started to make pointless conversation mainly focusing their attentions on me. I regretted saying anything at all. The rest of dinner carried on pretty much like that. Art. It was my favourite subject at school. I’d always had a passion for it and luckily it had always been my greatest talent. Hopefully college wouldn’t change that. The room was how I expected it to look, rough and messy, also known as artistic. It had a few chunky wooden tables covered in dry blobs of multi-coloured paint and stools placed underneath them. Wooden easels were easily spotted at the far end of the room and student artwork hung from every angle on every patch of the four walls. Boxes of art materials cluttered all the available storage spaces in the room and paintbrushes were dotted on nearly every sideboard. This was the first time college had felt ‘right’ all day. I was the first in the room and chose the seat I’d be sat in for the next year. Not much time had passed, a minute at the most, and I was still alone in the room. Maybe I was in the wrong room. I checked the time on my phone, according to that I was on time, in fact I was early. The room was beginning to reach its maximum capacity and the space available could only be accessed if you could squeeze past everyone else. A teacher - although she looked a
lot like a student - walked in, I recognised her straight away, she was my form tutor. She was small and slim with long dark wavy hair which complimented her olive skin and glazed green eyes. She dressed smartly without looking too formal. This was her first teaching job, her body language made that clear. She fidgeted a lot and couldn’t stand still, she kept smiling but it was obvious she was nervous. It was a slow start but as she eased into the lesson she became more comfortable and relaxed. It was clear she was enthusiastic about the subject and that she knew what she was talking about. The class became engrossed with what she was saying and hung on to every word. From that moment I knew that Art would be my salvation, my retreat away from every little shitty aspect that lay outside of that room. The lesson finished about ten minutes early so in my infinitive wisdom I decided not to wait for anyone but instead to go on ahead, alone. My mood would only get worse if I had to spend any more time listening to how ‘great’ college was. When I eventually arrived home I was greeted by the one person I was planning on avoiding. ‘How was the big day then little brother?’ The obvious sarcasm could have been spotted a mile away. ‘Shit.’ I bluntly answered. ‘Shame. I guess some people fit in, and others, don’t.’ He referred, of course to his over grown self esteem then related it back to me, and managed to do so with a smirk. ‘Give it a rest Jay, you can’t be god’s gift 24/7’ ‘We’ll see on Monday then.’ He smirked back at me, and I glared in return. ‘Dick head.’ And on that note I made my way up the stairs to my room where I stayed to continue my previous brooding and self-pity session. ‘Everybody's changing, And I don't feel the same.’
The Blower’s Daughter… (Damien Rice) ‘And so it is, Just like you said it would be, Life goes easy on me, Most of the time, And so it is, The shorter story, No love, no glory, No hero in her skies…’ Monday morning began and had the same effect as the dawn of Armageddon, or so it felt. I could barely drag myself out of bed, if it wasn’t for the continuing siren-like-alarmsystem blasting from the other side of my room, I would of happily turned over and gone back to sleep, pretending that college was just a figment of my imagination. Unfortunately not. I carried out my usual routine. It consisted mainly of rushing round the house looking for clothes, jumping in the shower to soak up as much hot water as possible in ten minutes, followed by the most drastic attempt to brush my teeth whilst getting dressed, before running outside to catch the bus. Ok, so it was a bad routine. The bus mirrored that of the one I was on on Friday, in the sense that almost all the people who had scrambled onto it that morning were doing exactly the same thing now. Plus it was filled with all the strange people that occupied it last time, including the girl that was feeling my thigh. I spotted her and the blonde as soon as I got on the bus, their eyes pinpointed in my direction. I darted towards the seat closest to where they were sat. Something inside me craved their attention, although I didn’t know them, I was enthralled to be their main focus. When I arrived at college my main priority was to collect my timetable from student services. The excitement overwhelmed me. After waiting in a ridiculously long line for several minutes I finally received my death certificate; an official document enlisting my life for the next year. After briefly scanning the paper it became obvious that this year was going to be a nail biting experience. I felt so relieved knowing that for every day this year, my life was going to be filled with the miserable brooding sensation that I was so lucky to have found on Friday. Today was filled with so many positives. Sitting in the common room was just like sitting on the grass, minus the grass, wet arse and weather conditions, but plus, the chairs, walls and three-legged tables. It wasn’t what could be called ‘spacious’, it was a large room on the whole, but once combined with a canteen, toilets, and a social gathering spot it became quite cramped. It was filled with the majority of the college population, with students flocking in from all entrances. Sitting inside a fish bowl would have felt more private. It was all opened space and eyes followed and noticed everyone. I could see Jason sat far opposite my table with his group of arrogant small-minded friends, accompanied, of course, by an even bigger group of girls, obsessed with self appearance and self-worship. My jaw was beginning to tighten and I felt my teeth grit. Just looking at him made me angry, something about him made me envious, although I knew I could be like him or have anything he had in a split second. I looked back at the table I was sat at; we were two completely different people and even though a part of me was jealous of him the rest of me felt glad I was sat where I was. I saw something in the corner of my eye and lifted my head to look in the direction it was coming from. My mouth gradually opened, making it possible at anytime for some unsuspecting fly to mistaking land in my throat. My eyes widened as much as they could and everything around me became silent. My breathing was heavy and loud, so loud in my mind that I held it in case it distracted my undivided concentration. I could feel my body gasping for air, I held back for as long as I could, until it was no longer possible to deny my body its basic needs. I exhaled, and as I did all the surroundings and sound came flooding back.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her, not even to blink. She was beautiful and just looking at her sent chills up my spine and melted everything underneath my skin. I’d never felt like this before about anyone. I was in love with her. ‘I can't take my eyes off of you, I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes off of you, I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes...’ Beside her was a girl with short black hair, I hadn’t even noticed she was there. My concentration was elsewhere and I couldn’t unfix my constant stare. Her hair was chestnut brown and lay in loose curls past her shoulders. She wore a long-sleeved black top that highlighted her slim figure and a silver and white chunky belt wrapped around her waist, her legs were covered by a pair of black leggings and denim shorts. My eyes followed her as she made her way over to the table occupied by my brother and his minions. She was greeted by them; indicating that she and I were on two completely different planets and that she was in a league of her own, probably one I would never be able to get into. The bell rang at 5 to 9 letting everyone know that they had five minutes to get to class. My friends stood up and signalled that they were going, I replied with a few inaudible grunts. A few minutes had passed, my table was empty, accept for myself. I still watched her, I couldn’t stop. She wrapped her arms around Jason for what seemed like an eternity. I imagined I was him for a moment, able to feel her arms around my body holding me tight, I didn’t want to let go. I blinked and landed back in the real world. I scrambled my things together and marched towards the door, maybe Jason hadn’t saw me, I didn’t look back to find out. ‘You’re late. You seem to be making a habit of this Mr Lewis.’ ‘Sorry Mr Green, sir.’ I mumbled back. ‘Take a seat, and open your induction booklet. You do have your induction booklet don’t you?’ He asked in a deep patronising tone. ‘Or are you inadequate in both punctuality and organisation?’ ‘Yes sir.’ He looked long and hard at me. ‘I mean yes sir, I have the booklet.’ He smirked and pointed to a familiar seat next to a familiar person, unfortunately. I scurried past everyone and took my seat next to Brad. ‘If you all turn to page three, there are a few exercises that I would like you to complete, they’re pretty straightforward and shouldn’t be too strenuous to answer. You’ve got fifteen minutes. That would be twenty past nine for all of you who are still a little behind on telling the time.’ He sat down at his desk and hid behind a computer screen. I took this as an opportunity to put my head down and catch up on some sleep. ‘So, how was your weekend?’ I knew that monotone voice, I hoped it wasn’t directed at me. ‘Are you ok?’ There it was again, there was no other possible explanation, he was talking to me. I lifted my head up off my arms and lent back in my chair. ‘Yeah, I’m fine, and it was ok.’ I replied with minimum effort and minimum response. I closed the conversation as quickly as it was opened and hopefully Brad would get the message and talk to someone else. Or maybe not. ‘Mine was good too. I spent most of it with my girlfriend, if you know what I mean.’ He gave me a wink and a nudge; he was the biggest piece of cheese I’d ever met in my life. Every time he produced a syllable I wanted to scrape my eyes out with a fork and
screw them in my ears to block out the sound. I never asked about his weekend so why did he insist on telling me? ‘She’s all over me, every time she sees me, she can’t get enough.’ ‘Yeah, I bet she can’t.’ ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ ‘No.’ ‘That’s a shame mate. We’ve not been together long, but I can tell it’s gonna last for ages, it’s like I just know.’ ‘Oh right. How long you been together?’ ‘Just about two weeks now, but it feels longer, like I’ve been with her for a month or something.’ I tried to delay my blank expression but I couldn’t. This guy was a joke and completely neurotic. By the end of the lesson I was ready to throw myself down the nearest flight of stairs. The only time he didn’t speak about his infamous girlfriend was when he paused for breath or searched for something to say about her. I put away my things and tried to get to the door before he said anything else to me. Surprisingly I was the first one to the door, although there were people sat nearer to it. Unsurprisingly, Brad was stood right behind me. I opened the door to see someone I didn’t expect to see. ‘Hiya.’ ‘Caitlin. Hi.’ I said, slightly confused. Why was she stood outside my class? That question was soon cleared up when Brad pushed past me and latched onto her. This was unbelievable, that poor girl had to be seeing a counsellor to combat the trauma of spending time with him. He swung his arm around her shoulder and held on so tight I thought he was trying to choke her. ‘See ya later.’ She smiled and walked down the corridor with him attached. I lumbered down the corridor dragging my feet across the floor and eventually made it to the entrance of the common room. I pushed the doors open. The only thing I looked for was the girl I saw with Jason, my eyes frantically scoured the room but, I couldn’t find her. With no luck, I sat down on the same table, with the same people, as usual. Everyone looked pretty miserable, for once it wasn’t just me, however, that all ended when Phil broke the silence. He reached into his bag and placed a pack of cards onto the table. ‘Bullshit, anyone?’ he directed at the whole table. ‘I’m confused,’ Charlee replied. Everyone stared at her blankly. Sometimes, it seemed, the lights were on, but no one was home. ‘It’s a game Charlee,’ I said, trying to clear up the confusion. ‘Oh right, what do you do?’ she asked, using her ‘serious face’, showing she was intrigued and ready to learn. A few minutes later the game was in full swing and all eyes were on Charlee as she made her first move. ‘One three.’ ‘Two fours,’ I lied, solemnly. ‘Two threes,’ Phil stated with a straight face, his sincerity was almost believable, but he was lying through his teeth. ‘Two Bullshits!’ I shouted, flipping over the cards to reveal a king of hearts and a six of diamonds. He smirked back at me whilst picking up the pile of cards.
‘You’re all Bullshiters, two fours my arse Lew, it’s a four and a king,’ he presented the two cards I put down to the rest of the table. ‘Yeah well, some of us can lie, that’s the whole point of the game,’ I grinned back at him. ‘Three kings,’ he looked smug as he put down the first three cards. ‘One queen,’ Rhea placed a card on top of his. ‘Two Jacks,’ Becky said almost throwing the cards down as quickly as she had said them. Adam hesitated and slowly chose a card, ‘One ten.’ ‘Two eights and a nine,’ Charlee said looking extremely pleased with herself. She looked at me, waiting for me to put a card down, but didn’t notice that everyone else was watching her instead. Laughter erupted as Charlee’s face dropped in confusion. ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked bewildered. ‘Charlee, what you doing?’ I asked trying to control myself, ‘To start with, you can only put down the same card, not two of the same and something completely different. And, you can only put down a card that’s either the same as the one before or you can put one higher or lower.’ ‘Oh, I see,’ she grabbed the cards in front of her and smiled coyly at everyone. * * * * ‘Glad to see you can actually arrive on time for my lessons.’ The words were said as if they were the build up to frostbite, cold and harsh. ‘Erm, thanks.’ ‘It didn’t require a comment.’ The build up was gone, the effects were beginning to show, each word froze my limbs. Only one more step left, amputation. I took my seat next to Ronnie, we exchanged a look, his eyes sympathised for me. ‘Ok, now that you’re all here let’s begin. Any mobile telephones caught in use during my class will be confiscated until the end of the lesson, along with any earphone-musicdevices. This subject is English Language, and is taught following the curriculum, which doesn’t include phones or iPods. If you want to broaden your horizons in this subject by texting the person sat next to you about what they did over weekend, do it in your time, not mine. Is that clear?’ The petrified look she received off everyone was enough to inform her that everyone got the message and would be more than willing to abide by it. ‘She’s such a hardcore bitch.’ I whispered to Ronnie. ‘Excuse me!’ I’d obviously not whispered quietly enough for her bionic ears not to pick it up. ‘Erm… I’ve got… a hardcore itch.’ I responded weakly. ‘Now you listen to me Mr… Mr…’ ‘Lewis’ I added. ‘You listen to me Mr Lewis…’ Amputation time. I’d give an arm, or a leg if she’d leave me alone. ‘If you think for 1 second that I’m going to tolerate…’ There was a loud thud at the door before it was flung open. She paused before her head darted in the direction of the door. ‘This is English right?’ the door asked. ‘Yes, can I help you in some way?’ ‘English Language?’ ‘Yes that’s correct.’ ‘That’s too bad for you, it looks like you’re stuck with me this year Miss.’
‘Oh come on in Lucie, take a seat, we’re just about to begin.’ She smiled towards the girl behind the door, it unnerved me to say the least. The door closed and my heart skipped a beat. She was stood less than 6 foot away from me. There was one seat available, to my left, next to the wall. She spotted it and headed over. I filled my lungs with her scent, it made me feel light headed and weak. She sat down and I shivered. One word kept repeating itself over and over inside my head. Lucie. ‘And so it is, just like you said it should be, we’ll both forget the breeze most of the time, and so it is, the colder water, the blower’s daughter, the pupil in denial...’ Time drifted by slowly, as if it was irrelevant, every hour felt the same. I was safe in art, I could escape away from everything that I didn’t want to think about and enter my own world but something was holding me back, something was making me stay in reality. I saw her again. She sat in front of me this time. Her eyes were brown, I got lost in them. Kim told us what topics we’d be doing during the year and mentioned our first piece of coursework. Lucie wrote down a few notes, I watched her. I wanted her to look at me. I wanted her to notice me. Look at me Lucie. Notice me. ‘I can't take my eyes off of you, I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes off of you, I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes...’ I wanted my mind to focus on her, I needed it to. I needed it to stop it focusing on the one thing that I was trying so desperately to push so far out of reach that it could never come back. But it did, each and every time, the harder I pushed, the harder it came back. It seems there’s no room for happiness inside my head just yet. It was too busy filling itself up selfishly with hate and grief. My heart had that familiar ache again, it won’t be too long before the stitches rip and it falls to pieces. I haven’t got the strength to keep putting it back together. I could feel my eyes becoming warm. It was getting harder to see. I lowered my head hoping the tears wouldn’t fall but they did. I saw her in the corner of my eye. She was watching me. I lowered my head even further. The pain doesn’t stop. It has to stop. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. ‘Did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?’ I got home and the pain was even worse. I cried to let go of some of it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I want to let go, I want to let go of all of it. I want my heart back. I want to give it to someone else. Give me my heart back Emma. ‘I can't take my mind off of you, I can't take my mind off you, I can't take my mind off of you, I can't take my mind off you, I can't take my mind off you, I can't take my mind...My mind...my mind...'Til I find somebody new…’