Top Ten Things I’d Give Up for Free Health Care

Let’s make this trade.

By Francesca Fiorentini

Americans have an obscene amount of privileges: stores catering to our every desire, global economic hegemony, and Zebra popcorn. That stuff is delicious. But if there’s one thing we’re lacking, it’s bidets—and health care. For all of our freedoms, Americans still can’t get proper medical attention without exorbitant costs and endless bureaucracy. (Does anyone else have the number sequence memorized to talk to a real person at Blue Cross so you can chew them out for being charged $2,000 for an X-ray?)

1. Pressing 1 for English. This is a needless luxury. I’m fine with 5. It’s more central and easier to reach. Hell, I’ll do Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start like an old Nintendo if it means I can actually treat my chronic carpal tunnel syndrome.

2. Scooters. You know the ones littering every city corner with dumb names like Lime and Unagi? They’re supposed to be cool and fun. But in a society without universal health care, scooters are truly a cruel irony, as borne out by the young woman I saw break her collarbone in broad daylight. That private equity–owned ambulance must’ve been pricey. Let’s nix them and get free rides in the lifesaving bus.

3. Rock and roll. I know this is technically not mine to give. I’m sure the descendants of Muddy Waters and Screamin’ Jay Hawkins should probably weigh in here. But considering that some of the biggest rock legends are all Brits putting on an American twang, let’s just part with it in exchange for some of their sweet state-funded medical care. You win, Mick.

Americans have been bought off with capitalism’s shiniest niceties and left without the fundamental right to be healed when sick. So I’ve drawn up a list of creature comforts that I, as an American, would readily swap in order to be able to not pay a third of my monthly income to simply see a doctor once in a while.

4. 5G. Yes, it’s fast. But I’m OK with slower mobile speeds if I can get a free annual mammogram. Plus, 5G has already been demonized by anti-vax nutjobs who probably turned on Western medicine because a shaman they met on Craigslist was cheaper.

5. Manhattan. The most iconic borough there is, the most symbolic of American grandeur, and yes, the most overrated. I’ve spent far too much money in this finance bro cesspool, and after the cringe Sex and the City reboot it’s clear that Manhattan’s heyday is over. Most people worth visiting live in Brooklyn or Queens anyway, and Prospect Park is mostly Central Park with fewer copcalling Karens. Sure, we won’t get to see The Lion King on Broadway, but we’ll be able to go to the gastroenterologist. This is a smart swap.

6. Amazon Prime. This one’s a biggie for me as an exhausted new mom with barely time to shower, let alone go shopping. Still, two-day delivery has lulled Americans into believing that we can just order our way out of illness, when no amount of elderberry lozenges delivered to your door can replace an actual doctor. Give me health care instead, and not from Amazon!

7. Candy. Take my Snickers, Butterfinger, Fun Dip, and Sour Patch Kids. I am willing to eat nothing but the hard black licorice that the Dutch pass off as candy if it means I can hit up a dentist when I’ve eaten too much.

8. The military. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Don’t let the blowback hit you on the way out.

9. Zendaya. Yes, I said it. The young Emmywinning actor is beautiful, talented, and I want to live inside her skin. But if Americans need to give her up to Germany or Canada, we must. She’ll continue to be charmingly adorable, she just won’t be ours.

10. A percentage of my annual income commensurate with my earnings. We won’t call them taxes, but Zendayas. If we all pay our fair share of Zendayas, and if literally every study that’s ever been done about single-payer health care is correct, then we will be saving trillions of dollars and have a system that actually helps all Americans.

P.S.: No, I’m not giving up Zebra popcorn. From my cold dead hands. n