Cameo’s cauldron

… in which Cameo Miller stirs her thoughts and ideas to see what rises to the top.

JUST FOR FUN

By Cameo Miller

Illustration by Bethany Caskey

They say laughter is the best medicine. So I thought I’d do something completely out of the norm for me this time. For many years I have been collecting the cute sayings from T-shirts and sweatshirts. The ones that make me laugh, or ones that speak to me in some way. I decided to share a bunch of them with you this time in the hopes that you will also chuckle, laugh, or nod in recognition. I hope some of them bring a smile to your face, and a bit of joy to your heart. ENJOY!

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said: “No, we all seem to enjoy it. Think like a proton and stay positive (Picture an atom).

I really don’t mind getting old, but my body is having a major hissy fit.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune, to live like a homeless person.

Teacher? I prefer the term educational rockstar.

I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

I’m going to stop asking ‘How dumb can you get?’ People seem to be taking it as a challenge.

I meant to behave, but there were too many other options.

Not to brag, but I totally got out of bed today.

I disappear into books, what’s your superpower?

I wet my plants (for gardeners).

I can keep my mouth shut, but you can read the subtitles on my face.

If you’re happy and you know it, it may be your meds.

Had a big mix up at the store today. Apparently, when the woman said ‘strip down facing me,’ she was referring to my credit card.

You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.

I’m going to stand outside — that makes me outstanding.

A farmer is a person outstanding in his field. ‘Project manager’ because miracle worker isn’t an official job title (Change to read: barn manager?).

Don’t mess with grandmasaurus — you’ll get jurasskicked.

Sometimes I question my sanity, but the unicorn in the kitchen told me I’m fine.

Hold on, let me overthink this.

THINK. It’s not illegal yet.

I don’t care who dies in the movie as long as the (insert favorite animal) lives.

Crazy cat lady? I prefer dedicate feline enthusiast.

It’s not hoarding if it’s books (or horses?).

Happiness is a REALLY big fish and a witness.

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Since there is only one of me, does that make me endangered or a limited edition?

All we need is love… & LOTS more chocolate.

I speak fluent movie quotes.

WARNING: may start dancing for no reason.

It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up the stairs, and trip over nothing. I have those skills.

If you see me talking to myself, don’t be alarmed. I’m self employed. We’re having a staff meeting.

Just once I want a username and password prompt to say, ‘close enough.’

Day 12 without chocolate — lost hearing in my left eye.

Awesome ends with ‘me’. Coincidence? I think not.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

Another wine bottle with no genie at the bottom. I’ll keep looking.

You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t — I don’t have one of those.

SMILE — it makes people wonder what you’re up to.

The adult version of ‘head, shoulders, knees and toes’ is wallet, glasses, keys and phone.

No, I don’t need anger management, you need to stop pissing me off.

Dusted once, it came back. I’m not falling for that again.

OOPS, did I roll my eyes out loud? I don’t curse. I speak fluent trucker with a sailor dialect and a construction accent.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

Prayer: the world’s greatest wireless connection.

If I were a bird, I know who I’d shit on.

You can’t scare me, I’m a nurse and I worked through a freaking pandemic.

I tried to be normal once. Worst minute of my life.

I used to be able to do cartwheels, now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

I ride horses because punching people is frowned upon. You think I’m sarcastic? You should hear what I don’t say.

Speaks fluent song lyrics.

I did not fall. The ground looked so sad I thought it needed a hug.

Intelligence tests are getting ridiculous — they asked me to fold a fitted sheet.

I don’t like to brag about expensive trips, but I did just return from the grocery store.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.

I don’t trip. I do random gravity checks.

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time.

I like growing my own food, but I can’t find bacon seeds.

About the Author:

Cameo Miller is a Masters-level clinical psychologist and a Level IV ARIA Certified Instructor based in Michigan. She is a member of the ARIA Evaluation Panel and an ARIA National Test Center Administrator.