The Story of One Russian Girl by Naya Berlin

Naya AnBerry, Russia, 2013

The story of one Russian girlâ&#x20AC;Ś By autumn 2012 to January 2013

“I don’t know if you will read this letter at all. I ask you to not respond on that. It’s just my thoughts and feelings. This is the story of one Russian girl”. That was the words of my beginning. I wanted him to know everything. The beginning… 2006 or 2007 One day I had created my page on dating site. But it was site of dating with foreign men. Why did I do that? I really didn’t believe I ever will be married to foreigner. Mostly I was just curious to communicate by using English. There were many-many emails I had received. And with time it was becoming to be too difficult to respond. Because I had average level of English and also because I had not a lot of free time. I began to do the translations for students to know English better. It was one of my works when I was a student. I didn’t have any schedule of checking my inbox. I had too much deeds in reality that’s why I usually forgot about this site. There were some men I talked to by phone from Turkey and England. I never try to choose whom I want to talk to because of country. I was interested to know more and I tried to not judge people because of their pages. What I talked to them? It was nothing and everything! About work, hobbies, psychology of people, traditions of their country, football. Sad stories of my love I don’t remember how much time had come away, 1 or 2 years after I created my page, and I had met my ex boyfriend. It was very great love. I really felt it will be for all my life. We were very beautiful couple. I felt we understood each other so good. We always had what to do together or what to discuss. My ex was really good guy and I still keep respect to him. He was achieving me while 2 months. We were very happy while we were together here in K-city. Of course that time I had forgot about any sites and any men around. I loved him and I understood that every day. One day he told me he wants to leave K-city and he asked me to come with him. I understood that he wants to have good job, good possibilities for his future that’s why I had not mind. But I wanted to finish my study.

We were together about 9 months when he had leaved K-city. He moved to P-city because it was the city of my childhood and we wanted to live there. We lived apart for about 1 year. He visited K-city every 2-3 months. I found job to have less and less free time when I stayed alone. It was very hard time to us. I was crying a lot that time. When he visited K-city I usually had not enough time to be with him because I was studying and working and also I was an volunteer in the center of psychological help to children and family. More than 1 year came away. A lot of feelings accumulated. I hurted a lot: I felt I have not enough time for him when he was here, I was crying while 2 weeks after his leaving every time because I was missing him too much, then it became better, then I waited he will back, then he visited me and I felt like he is stranger, after few days he left me again and I felt guilty. We talked for few weeks what we can do. But I felt I can’t live this way anymore, I wanted to break everything. I felt I had lost my belief. It was huge crisis in my life. It was also crisis of my identification. I needed to understand who I am. Soon I had to finish my study at the university. I finished my study. I found my first serious job as HR-manager. Also I passéd the exams to postgraduate studies. That summer I had met him. He was about 30, he was divorced and he moved to K-city from Moscow. He was in crisis too because of his last wife. I never thought we will have something serious. But we became to spend more and more time together. He was very upset and disappointed because of his life. I wanted to help to him. He worked in Moscow and in Sochi. So he usually lived for 1 month away and then he backed to K-city for 2 weeks. That time we spent together. Firstly I liked to do everything to him. But very soon I had seen that he likes indolent style of life, he liked to spend time with his friends, he liked to drink alcohol. He said that he works a lot there and he wants to have a good rest here. Few times I told him I will go away if he will not become more serious. I know how it can be to deal with person who drink more than normal, my father drunk a lot. And I decided I will leave him. While I was waiting his backing from work I got to know that I wait the baby. It was partly the shock. Shock is because I wanted to break our relationship. Partly is because I wanted to have children but never planned. He wanted to have children too. He was so happy. I hoped we can overtake everything for our future family. But one day everything was changed. I landed to hospital. I spent there about 2 weeks. My treatment didn’t work. About 3 days I was lying there without knowing what is happening. They didn’t talk to me. After few days they let me to do the diagnostic. They told me my baby was died and I need to go to do the operation. While I was in hospital I heard a lot of different stories about doctor’s mistakes. I can’t let them do that so easy. I didn’t believe. I refused. I found the private clinic and demanded them to let me go. After one day they letted me to visit this clinic. It was too late. But it helped me to feel better. Because the doctor in this clinic was the first person who calmed me and explain

what was happening. I backed to hospital with spasms. It was about 6 hours of waiting the operation. I was crying, I endured the pain and thought how come? How can it happen to me? Why do so much girls give the birth to their child and leave them and give them to almshouses and I wanting to grow my child have to lose him? I felt I could do anything to save him. After treatment after operation I had backed to home. New crisis had begun. I lost my job because of my health. I lost my life. Nobody besides 4 or 5 persons knew where I was and what was happening with me during 6 months. My man began to drink more. One day he left home with his friends to have fun and he spent all our money we planned to live on next week. I took my things and go away next morning. I stayed without work, without family, without health, without money, I left my study. I thought it was the end. But the end is always the beginning. I found the way to live. I visited the psychologist, I found necessary medicine, I took new study, I found new job. After 6 months I was beautiful smiling and confident in my future happiness woman. But my job became to be the center of my life. I worked from 8 till 8 and I worked more and more and more. I knew I’m a good worker. My profession was all my life. I began to visit dating sites. I disliked any man. But I feel I need to have my family too. And maybe I need to change everything. I promised to me that if I will have new disappointment I will never look for Russian men. I will try to relate to foreigners more seriously. Time was going. One day I met him. It was about 1,5 years after my tragedy. And again I didn’t think about serious relationship with him. He looked too young. I looked too free. He was very persistent. Soon he was being always with me. He met me after my work, he began to run with me, he released places in his home for my things. That time I lived with my mum, I didn’t want to leave her alone (my sister lived with her husband). But we met each other only 2 times at week because of my and her works. Soon I fell in love with that guy. It was great time. We lived together and spent all time together. It was like a dream. My man wanted to move too. We talked about that a lot and I was not sure it was a good idea. He wanted me to leave my profession, he thought only about earning of money. One day he needed to come to Piter and he asked me to leave his home because his parents don’t want me to live here alone. And I realized I had no place to return. That time my mum lived with family of my sister. It was very hard time of looking for housing. I found some opinions but I wanted to have something better. I began to look for new job with more incomings, I began to take second job. My man backed and asked me to come back. He wanted me to know his parents. I changed my job, my new financial

possibilities must help us to find new housing if we will need. His parents asked us to stay here in his house. I didn’t understand what was happening around me. I just know that it was very difficult family. His parents were divorced and they hated each other. They always tried to use their son in this war against each other. One day my man asked me to leave him again and came to his relates to other city. Ok. I tried to trust him so much. I found new place. It was good housing and I was able to pay for that by myself. After few days he told me he will leave K-city alone, he will move very far and he will never back. New crisis had begun…. His parents didn’t talk to me.. I felt they had a great conflict. I found his grammy. We talked few hours. I felt it was big game with parting of few lifes including my. I felt I was too soft and I never demanded him to explain me his relationship in his family, he disliked to talk about that. We never had solved problems together. We never shared our problems to each other. We tried to solve that alone without help of each other. For month I just visited my work and slept all other time. I had no powers. Then I found my dance-school. I can’t work till 8 now because my office stays at other city and my bus comes home at 6. So I began to dance more and more and more to not be alone and not be at home. I backed to home because I can’t imagine how I will live alone in empty housing without him. My sister had divorced to her husband and he left our home. I felt I must to completely change my life. It was a new situation with the same end. My man left my hometown and me…. I started to write my notepad. I did the tasks for myself, I planned, I tried to understand what I want to have in my life. My last tragedy breaks my connecting with my work and profession. I loved it very much but I loved my man more and I was ready to come anywhere for him when he will ask. So this time I was setting and not knowing what to do. I didn’t know who I am again. I was sure I need to leave this city too. I began to look for possibilities. I looked for new job in Sochi, Piter, Salehard or other city where I will be able to stay alone, work and earn more money for my future to be able to buy my housing and be calm for my future. But times goes on. I felt there were no possibilities I really liked. Money is not the center of my life… I have other values… I didn’t want to talk with any men. I dislike everybody who wanted to know me. I read a lot. I watched a lot of movies. And I remembered about dating site and my promise. I begin to talk with men from different countries. I did the schedule to be able to respond every week. It was not looking for soulmate (but in deep of my soul I hoped it will give me something good). It was mostly the reason to not see real men. It was the way to stay alone in reality.

It was the way to have something to do. It was the way to work on myself because I forced myself to respond. It was firstly hard to keep this schedule, to read long letters and translate that, to describe my stories in English. Soon I began to continue to learn my Spanish. And I tried to read and to write in Spanish too. It was more hardier. MRMM

I didn’t remember for certain when I had met him. We just had a lot to discuss. I began to notice I’m interested not only to use English I’m interested to talk about many

things in English, to kid in English, I began to understand English kidding. It became to be more and more easily and it seemed I began to write letters more often. One day he found me in ICQ. He was very glad and we talked a lot. I spent my holidays at May at home alone and I remember we was talking and talking. Since this time I began to mix the timezones. I still can to mix that and cannot understand what time it must be here))) One day he told me he wants to concentrate on me. I was surprised. He never saw me and he wanted to talk only with me. Should I do that? I don’t know. I don’t know what will be with me tomorrow. Should I assure anybody else?... I’m not teached to bind man liking me to me. He must be free to choose the right woman. I can disappear next month… I said he can talk to any girls he wanted. We talked and talked. I don’t remember how it was. I just remember I feel like I do something right, something exiting and I can feel real person who are somewhere very far. One day he named me “honey”. I was surprised again. I never had read any articles about how I must to communicate with foreigners. What should I understand? If someone name me “honey” without meeting me and seeing me by person I’d decide he is too light-minded, I’d decide that it’s a familiar way of talking with woman you don’t know. But I accepted that. We began to do video for each other. When I did my first video my hands and my voice were quivering. When I watched his video I forgot about everything he wrote to me before. I was completely something new in my life. Very shining eyes and smile. Maybe I saw him somewhere before? That time I decided to move to Piter. I thought it

was a good idea. I like this city and my brother will help me if I will need. One day I came to my work and told my boss I will move and we started to plan my work in my company in Piter. I began to put my things together. I felt myself good. Once he asked me if I mind to his scars. How can I mind? I can’t influence to that…. I thought maybe he wants to have any virtual girlfriend… how I can seriously relate to person I never had seen, I never had toughed… But soon he told me he can visit Russia in august. He will come for me. Wow.. he had never kidded. He is very purposeful person. Then he began to change the dates of his trip to Russia. It feared, I feel we know each other too less. I never wanted anybody to do this big way to have disappointment here. But I feel I tried to decide that for him… I don’t know what was happen in his mind. Yea, he told something but I usually talk about things, culture, football, food. I don’t see and I don’t believe in worlds describing feelings. Hm.. so strange now to think this way)))) Once he disappeared for 2 days. And then he appeared with his new gf. I felt something is wrong but it became to be the shock to me. Everything lost the sense. I even don’t need to move to Piter. Funny… I can’t calm for some time. I suffered. This time I was sick very seriously. Every night I felt like my heart drowned to my lungs. I tell about physical things. I slept bad, I mixed the time. I remember I was writing the letters to him. It was my cries of despair. It was no matter what he will think about me. I was disappointed. My life was too shaky. I was losing all things I began to believe. “it’s ok, it’s ok” – I told to myself writing new plans. And again my work is center of my life! I find the sense in doing what I did. That’s why I agreed with asking of my boss to work till autumn. Ok, I had the temporary place for me. He continued to talk with me. I can’t understand what place he must to have in my life. He told about his girlfriend V. and his wishing to be a good man. I thought he is a right man but why does he so hurry to marry to someone?.. That was strange time. Something kept in air. I calmed. I thought about him less. I even didn’t remember what we talked about this time besides V. I just remember sometimes I needed to ask my friends to excuse me and run to home to go to skype to talk to him. I talked to him and stay at home or run again to my friends company. Yea, my dance-friends became like family to me. Then the situation with V. changed. New questions. Who is he for me? He did mistake with her, can he does mistake with choosing me? He ask me to come to usa… how many girls he will invite?.. We continued to talk anyway. He wanted to be friends with me… ok, there is nothing to lose. This time, the beginning of summer I also began to talk with other men. And yea, I felt I can understand foreigners better and better. Few of men asked me to visit their countries. And

I thought if they all think it’s so easy! I answered that it’s possible in future but I need to work and I have not a lot of time for any vacations. They were surprising they need to wait and often we finished to talk. Sometimes I stoped to talk with them. I dislike how some men dealed with me. Some of them began to ask very outgiving questions, some of them ask me to go to skype without wear. I deleted them quickly. I felt I waste my time. Some of them are still in my contactlist. They never had done anything bad to me but we don’t talk. I usually don’t spend my time in skype now and I don’t have any reasons to write to them. Oh… once he asked me to be his GF… I thought… what is happening?... he wanted to be friends and he wanted to treat his soul… I tried to find the reasons of his doings. And I felt he is looking for right way… maybe he didn’t want to lose me by going time. Mostly I was glad… but to just break his relationship with V. and ask me to be his GF is too quickly too! It seems so light-minded again. But I can’t refuse. I just felt I need to go forward. I didn’t change my status in VK and facebook. Yea, I had not family statuses. It was very principal thing to me. When I was engaged I used this status but I had not got married. And I just deleted my status and decided to never use it again. Also I didn’t want all people around me to know about my personal life. I don’t know what will be in future. We had never seen each other. If he will want to break our relationship I will need to delete this status again. Also I never had wanted to anybody begins to talk with me about my personal life. I know maybe I have to proud I have BF from USA. Many girls would like to public this. I’m not like many girls. But he wanted that and I did. That time I did it because I understood that it’s important for him. And it’s more important for him to have this status that to me to not have that. I agreed. And I felt I did the right thing. Yea, my friend began to call me and write to me and they asked about him and my plans of moving to usa. And I’m ok. I can find necessary worlds to show them that I respect their opinions but it’s my own case. One day one of my colleagues began to tell something about M’s bike, began to judge it. I was shocked. It was so incongruously. We had never discussed our personal lifes before. This day I understood that all my office already had knew about us. I was upset a little. Because they waited me to move

to Piter…. Now they wait me to move to usa… I feel they think I’m light-minded and unstable girl too. They will hurt me if I will stay here. Is it possible? – maybe… But it’s ok. I forgot about such things quickly. I managed, I said that it has no relate to our job and began to talk about work questions. I felt they had understood I’m more happy and their remark can’t make me upset or awkward. They had never said something else. Sochi

Once my friend asked me to come with her to Sochi for spending vacation. I refused. I didn’t plan to have any vacations and I didn’t want to spend my money – I will need it in future. But my friend was insistent. She told me that we will dance there and we will live in house of her friend and will spend not a lot of money. Wow, I thought. It was a chance to stay for some time alone without thinking about my job, my troubles future, about past. I thought I can do that. Last time I visited Russian south was very great time. It was in 2008. My boyfriend lived in P-city. I didn’t want to stay alone for summer in K-city. I knew that there are a lot of job on south. I found job, prepared all documents I needed and left. My bf supported me. It was hard and easy time at the same moment. I worked a lot but also I had enough money to live well, I had possibility to visit the sea and some cities there. I backed happy, peaceful and healthy. So this summer I decided to come. I was surprised he didn’t mind. Maybe he felt I need that, maybe he felt he had no right to demand me to stay. While I was waiting the vacation my plans changed. I became to be more and more interesting in traveling. I didn’t want to stay at Sochi, I wanted to visit many-many places. This way the idea of visiting Abhazia was appeared. There were some places I with my friend had time to visit – mountains, waterfalls. I wanted to feel the energetic of this nature. It’s interesting feelings. I remember one day we visited waterfalls, we walked, there were a lot of people. But we had setted on the stone and listened to the music. It was the Piano Guys, Peponi. And she said to me how this song was right for that moment. We understood that people visiting these places never care about nature, they did photos, they touched and used everything around them and then left. We just setted and breathed by this air and felt how close we can be to eternity. I thought “o god, give me the power and right mind to be good wife and good mother”. I knew anyway it will happen and I have to learn some things. I usually too free and to selfish, I can be self-balanced. I was alone for long time. And I want and fear to lose my loneless at the same moment. That time was going not way I planned. Instead of talking less we began talk and talk and talk. And I felt I can’t leave him, I wanted share to him everything, I wanted him to always be with me even if he was just in my phone. My world turned around. It was the time I felt us really to be close to each other.

6 This story with photo. Yea, I was wrong. I was wrong when I had done and had used the photo of me hugging with my friend of opposite sex on my page. Really it seems uncorrectly. It really had to hurt him. I was surprised I didn’t see the sense of this photo that can see other people. Anyway there were not any intentions besides to do photo for memory. That was the first time I felt the rules are more important for him than me. We should have rules and principles of our life, of course. I feared our rules will be his rules. I suffered that time a lot. I felt like I’m the child that was closed in closet. It’s not because I was wrong. It’s because the way he saw my reality. I was worring he thought about picture he seeing and didn’t think about feelings. He sees very strong connection between feelings and deeds. For him if I do some things so that means I love. So, I need to know the language of deeds to give him to understand my feelings. He will not understand me if I will do the other deeds. So I have to just have right habits. It’s terrible. It means other girl can do the right things and doesn’t love him at real but he will trust to her. Hm… Maybe many couples live this way? Will I ever be able to learn this language?.... My words didn’t work. This was first time I feared we will not understand each other in future. I always thought what I should write to him. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”, I thought. I never was so irresponsible in relate to my job. I felt like someone bury me. There was no air to breath. I saw we talked about different things. I asked to do the break. I thought a lot about what he wanted to show to me by his language. And I tried to talk with him by my language of describing my feelings. I didn’t know any right way. And I thought about some deeds. For example I never had written the comments to his photos. He wrote comments to mine. Is it the thing I have to do? Why do I not do that? I can spend a lot of time for watching his photos and videos. I even can do that at work. I spend my work time for that!!! For watching personal photoalbums. Year ago I couldn’t think I will do something the same. Work time is for work. It was my rule. Why do I not feel the necessarily of commenting? Does it mean we are too different people? I remembered he told once soulmates will know and discover each other during all their life. And he gives me the right to act but he knows the right deeds. It seems like endless exam…. Will I lose my value to him if I will not pass this exam? I feel yes. I feel this way now. That time I just felt myself very guilty and didn’t analyze. I just knew I want to save him very much. Fall with visa I backed to K-city. We found the peace between us. I watched my pictures in VK to check I have nothing the same. And I found 2 photos where I was with my friend. I

kept that on my page. Why? Because these photos were done more than 1 year ago and my friend was married. So I thought I will be able to explain to him why I have these pictures. I stoped to visit dance lessons. I knew I have to do that. I didn’t want to think about that I just felt I need. Yea, sometimes I missed that but I felt I want to be able to talk with him every evening like it was before. I hoped he will feel well knowing I’m home. I found new way of activity, I began to run. We talked usually a lot of time during every day. I had no doubt soon I will be with him. But I didn’t managed. And I was surprised very much. When he didn’t become to judge me or try to ask and ask and ask. He tried to support me. It was very important to me that time. He was really interested in knowing how I feel. That time I really felt he is something more than just man. He was like my second voice. It was great. It was something like feeling of living by full life. It was the feeling like we know each other for very long time. I was going with head up. I felt the power to do more and more efforts to get visa and meet him. I usually checked his pages. I never asked him but I usually know about his updates, new friends, comments. And one day I asked him about his pages. I just wanted to know if he wants to do his page more full, to add something. Of course it was stupid question. Of course he will tell me that he keeps his page only for me and doesn’t need anything. But he continued to ask. And I told the truth. Many women will never say that detail but I am too stupid, naïve and honest to keep silence. And I promised to talk the truth to him at our first month. I tried to analyze this situation. One man had written to me 2 times this month. I tried to do the polite answer to him. He never did something bad to me that’s why I decided that it was correct to answer to him to let him to know what happened to me. What should I do? I should tell it to M. that day? I should hide that fact when he had asked? He jostled me away. I showed to him my conversation to he can know. It was terrible. It was very scary to feel his reaction. He tried to correct my words…. He wants to control my words… Does the man who wants to control even my words can love and respect me? I waited he will ask and ask and ask. And I feared to answer. And I feared to know his answers. I see how much the ideals mean in his life. There are some things that are very strong in him and i feel he will never step back to me. And I feel his role in my life is

changing this moment, I lose feeling that I close to him. It’s very important feeling. But I feel we didn’t try to save our couple. I try to imagine how I can feel myself being in his shoes. And I feel I’m more acceptable person. I always try to understand why, why he has to do some deeds? I always believe that person who had chosen me is interested in me and I will believe that way. Yea, he is attractive man. And I keep to believe he had choosen me because of my goods, because of me, not casually and not to always tell me about my mistakes. And not because it can be good goal to do the ideal from me. Can I change? Can I become more perfect? I can…. But why? Because of fear he will keelhaul me or because of wishing he will like me more? Anyway I feel I’m better now than year ago. He talk about V., I tried to end this story. But I hear V.… V... V.… sometimes I want to tell to him “maybe you should find the second V., not me?” Yea, probably it’s a lot of women who are better than me. Why I usually think it’s ok. It makes me down more than other things. This time I want to give up. I even don’t know why I’m still here. Maybe I want to be stable and consistent girl too. Maybe I feel I have to break some of my habits to be stronger, to be more perfect. But why I feel myself naked and abject? But why I feel I don’t want to open myself anymore? I thought why I don’t try to compare he and other men. I can’t remember the situation I had given him to know there is can someone better than him around me. And I don’t know the answer. I just know I usually don’t think by way of thinking of other girls. That’s why I have not a lot of girlfriends but have a lot of problems in my life. Serious decisions He will never accept man’s attention to me. What I can do to not have man’s attention? I had deleted my pages on the dating sites before. I don’t visit parties now. What else I can do? And I began to look around me. And it was terrible. I began to feel how men on the streets, at the cafes look on me. In my head the “conspiracy theory” began to work. I felt I was going crazy. I had wanted to get under the table and never see anybody. Every man looks like having any plans on me. I began to think about details I never thought before. I need to back my normal style of thinking and feeling. The night in train I was watching his video as I usually do. Every time in the train I find 1-2 hours to watch his video. It’s very important to feel he is real, not my

fantasy. It’s important to feel warm and sweet feelings to him. And also I have a practical task – I need to rewatch video to check if I understood it rightly and to remember English words I didn’t know. And really now I understand better what he wanted to explain to me in his early video. Will I ever able to understand him without delay?.. So, this night I had felt like I still feel that he is my small soft kitten I so liked before. And I felt like I find the decision! And I began to write my new letter! But it was not the end of my worrings… it was the beginning of new. The text of my letter: “So. The night in a train I was thinking if I can to not talk with my friends of opposite sex fully (I talk specially about my friends, not casual people from sites) . And I feel maybe one day I will feel myself comfortable to say them for example “I’m married and we should not talk any more” or “I don’t want to talk with you anymore” but now I feel I have no right to ignore them when they write to me. I can ignore people I don’t know. But they were showing me I can trust them for years. So what can I do now? I can show you every my conversation with friends of opposite sex. I’m ready to set and do the translation for you to you can know what we usually talk about. I want to have right to openly respond to them when they need while I’m still here. And I really had thought that my exs were more calmed about me because they usually knew who my friends are. That’s why I want to describe for you who my friends are and why I value them. If you think it’s uncorrectly you can not read the continuous and you will never know how I feel and think in relate to people I usually communicate with. I know you can not understand and you can not accept that. You can say me I don’t make you to know you are the one man in the world. But you had showed me I’m not the one woman yet too. And this way you will be confidence in knowing if we are too different and never will be happy together. It’s my effort to show you who I am to you can decide if I’m the right girl for you. I had never done something the same for anybody else. Because this is the personal information of these people and as I don’t discuss your personal information with them I will try to describe them very correctly and shortly. I know you can not understand me. But once you asked me to never lie to you. And if I want you to be close to me I need to show you how I feel in relate to everything including my communication. Please don’t judge them too strictly. They are usual Russians. And please respect my past too…” I wanted to share with him all my life. He said that he doesn’t want to know about my past. But as his past influences on him today so my past influences on me. And I wrote and wrote and wrote. I spent about

6 hours to describe my friends (guys and girls) and also I found our last conversations with everybody and translated that to he can know they will never be the same for me as he are. I wanted he to know what we talk about and I was ready to everyday tell to him who writes or calles me today!!! I never do something the same to someone else. But I know we are couple and we have to know the same information about what is happening around. This time I get cold. Yea, my body always feels when I’m not ok. So, between my sleeping I thought, thought and thought, wrote, wrote and wrote. This time I saw the dreams about M. first time. I understood he keeps all my mind. And all my motivation is for solving problem

with M.

And I thought about my exs. What was happening with them? My first ex was very patient guy. He knew I have a lot of friends. But he beloved I will be his girl very strongly. And he catched every sign of my sympathy. Before him I never had really serious relationship so I was free girl. Always free! Once he had read my poems. He was shocked. He never had thought I had so deep world inside me. He was sure I must be his. I liked him. He had never poured a lot of compliments for me as did many guys. They tryed to talk about me. I was not interested to hear about me. I was interested to hear about all around me and how they see people, situations. After 2 months I felt I will never give up this guy. He never asked me about others, I never asked him about others too. Once I asked him to come with me to spend evening with my friends. And he said that it’s my friends and he didn’t come with me. He letted me come alone! I also never asked him to bring me to his company. I knew it can be different people who drink, use incorrect words. So, we lived and knew about friends of each other but never tried to take a place between these companies. We knew we are special for each other. I felt I can trust him. He felt he can trust me. We were so sure in each other to be able to live in different cities. And I felt everyday I wanted see him every morning and I knew he was the same way. Yea, a lot of guys around saw I’m always alone. I usually was optimistic smiling girl and I was opened for people. So many people started to

talk to me, I also had the work connected with talking with people. And when I told them I had bf they always were surprised. I always was alone. My close friends saw how I was crying every month and I tried to not show I was so upset. That’s why I spent more and more time alone. But my close friends understood why I hurted, they always respected my wishing to wait my bf. They never said me I’m stupid young girl, they never said me if my bf could spend time with other girls there in other city like many guys tried to do. They always supported my belief. And I knew he loved me. My second ex. He never asked me to not talk with anybody too. Maybe it’s because I never wasted my time for other people. I always spent my time with him. I had a lot to do. And really he had more possibilities to spend his time with his friends than I had. Also we have common people whom we known. His best friend was the husband of sister of my friend (she lives in USA now). And more! - he can talk to my friends. He can openly answer to my ringing phone. He answered for example “she is sleeping” when I was sleeping. He left me every month and he knew I was waiting for him. This time I had the friends of opposite sex I talked to. I wrote about one in my letter: “I.B-v. The same story like with A. But he didn’t look for girlfriend at real. He mostly hurted and feel solitude. He had a lot of problems with girl he loved. They lived together then broke their relationship then bring it back then had new conflicts. So he used all my psychological knowledge for his life. He always was so correct. He never did even tipoff he wants to be my bf. He always followed his feelings. That’s why I respect him. Also he is that guy who helped me when I was in hospital and needed the medicine. Some of my friends can’t visit me; others had no money to buy medicine. Also I can’t ask every of my friends because I know I will need to tell I lost a baby. They will worry and ask more. I will not overtake that. I asked him. I knew he will not ask, he will not judge my bf who can’t visit me, he will just do. Now he is married (to girl he loved!!) and has a daughter. We saw each other more than 1 or 2 years ago. I can’t say he is my friend but I will respond if he will write to me. He asked me about you.” Yea, one day there was interesting situation. I called to I.B-v. It was very long time ago so I didn’t remember what I wanted to talk about. But I.B-v can’t answer to me and his wife answered to me. I know she was very jealous. She never trusted to people. And I said to her “hi, O., how are you?”. Then I named myself and tell why I called. She told I.B-v can’t talk, we said goodbuy to each other. O. never saw me but I felt she knew who I was. And maybe she knew everything about me, I know she lost he first baby too. And after few minutes I.B-v recalled to me. And I felt this is the real couple! They deal with world around together!!!! It was so clear. I began to respect them. I never worried them without serious reason. Since that time I.B-v

talked to me about his problems with his family only 2 times. I try to not ask, I know if he will need my opinion or help he will ask me. So, I have two important things to know: 1) M. wants to deal with world around us together like a couple so he needs to know everything I know. It’s difficult. We are still apart. And I don’t have right to think it’s controlling me. 2) My friends (don’t matter girls or guys) have to respect our relationship too! so I can let me have only friends that respect us as a couple. My last ex. Interesting story. He was the most jealous guy I dated with. He disliked all my friends – girls, guys. Sometimes I think maybe he tried to meet me from work, asked me to live with him not because he cared about us but to see I didn’t meet anybody else. He can check my phone while I was sleeping. At morning I began to describe to him whom and why I had called. He never trusted me. Once he called to one man who was in my contact list. He saw that we were talking with that man. It was 2 o’clock of night. At morning I was shocked. That man was my salesdirector. I was going to my work and preparing to hear how my boss will say me I’m free. But it was ok. It seemed they didn’t talk. Once he called to one of my friends. We worked together. I understood his actions, I liked he wanted to show to everybody I’m his girl (of course, besides his parents. But I didn’t think about it). I asked him if he feels better after he talked with my colleague. When I went to work I asked my friend if everything is ok. He even didn’t understand who had called him and why. He tried to remember all his friends who were girls. At real I was proud of my bf. He was the first person who liked me and showed to every guy I’m his sweet girl instead to judge me. I began to deal with men like I’m married yet because I thought my guy had serious relate to me. I wanted to explain to M. too why I still can talk with my friend who was my colleague. I wrote: “A. P-v. We worked together in my last place of work. We began to work at this company at the same time with difference in 2 weeks. Maybe because of that we started to communicate. But our work was not the common. He is economist, I’m the HR-manager. Most of time we talk about our company, its politic and its future. Also we usually talk about political situation in our country and about ways how to earn money. We continue to talk sometimes. When I needed help to decide where I need to move this spring he talk to me and tried to help me understand myself. He has a gf, they are together more then 5 years and when he didn’t

understand what to do in different situation with her he ask my opinion. But it can be very seldom. He is also very clever. He is young but he has his own house and car. It’s because he knows how to deal with money. That’s why he keeps my free money and does anything he thinking to be right and I can have the dividends of his operations. Also he helped me when I needed the second temporary job. He invited me to work for one of political party in the elections. Last time I met him in June. I gave my money to him and ask him to help me with driving. I told you about my crushing and boys with bikes. I droved his car. “ I have to understand one very important thing: It doesn’t matter what is happening in reality! The most important thing is what happening is M.’s head!!! I never tried to look for other man in all my relationship. But each my ex viewed the different pictures!!! And I never had broken my relationship because I fell in love with other man. And it is the most stupid reason to break the relationship… when you want to be with but not able to show that correctly. I need to know how I can show. I know his thoughts and feelings are very important, he will remember it forever. It’s doesn’t matter why I do or not do some things… it’s important what he will feel. He is not interesting why I do or not do… so my tryings to explain why have no sense… I understood that maybe my correspondence will help me. But at real it’s only one thing that can help me – to stop to talk with everybody. That’s why I didn’t send this letter. And I started to image what I will lose if I will stop all my talking. In my letter I tried to explain to M. why I will respond to my friends of opposite sex. What I can do to have no necessarily to respond to them? To not take any messages from them. I decided to block my accounts and my phone. Also I found people whom I usually responded by habit or only because of polite. And I wrote to them I will not respond them any more. I deleted all stories of communications with that people. I had done that. It was terrible… I felt the complex of different feelings! I felt myself guilty. I hurt them. They can live in other citys, they can not see me for 1,5-2 years. They can write to me only 1-2 times per 2-4 months. I felt they were shocked. But I need to choose who will hurt. And it will be not M. It will be not M. while I still don’t have my 2 reason to love. My actions are the first. I don’t have such feelings, I really still keep my heart here with me.

Also I had felt some alleviation. I’m transparent. My intentions are clear. But I realized one thing. They had known. They know all my intentions. They were knowing me for long time, they saw I had BF, they still were interested to know how I am. I was sad. I knew I need to end all my past. Even if M. will be not with me I will feel myself better without my past. I need to have my goal too. And if this people are not right people to achieve my goal I need to say goodbye to them. But I still feel I can’t do that in relate to everybody. That time I listened to song aura_dione_feat._rock_ mafia_-_free_free_to_be_myself. I tried to understand if I ever will have situations I will stay alone. Alone at all. That’s great difference between me and M… he is concentrated on his goal and he will ignore all people who will not help him in achieving his goal. I am too supportive to all people around me. The commons And why do I usually try to find the difference between us? Why I don’t think about commons? Why if he thinks about his goal I can’t think about my? Is my goal to be his ideal? Is my goal to be with him? Is my goal to have strong family? My goal is to have strong relationship. I tried to find our commons that can help me to achieve my goal. And I felt myself more peaceful and even indifferent. I didn’t feel that time; I was analyzing. I had cold mind. I knew everything is ok. I’m becoming the best woman. I began to respect myself because I can do all of this. I knew I don’t need to prove anything to anybody. I knew everybody I had hurted will be able to understand me and will respect me. I knew now I’m not the usual Russian woman, I’m the other level. I was thinking about my goal. I said to M. I need time. I wanted to see how I will feel myself. He responded he didn’t want to know me anymore. I setted and began to write my new plan. But now I know who I am completely. So, what’s about commons? 1. Honesty. Yea, I will tell and tell truth. Yea, I did many mistakes in my life and I try to judge that from different points of view. But I still prefer to tell truth after I got any question. Once M. asked me to never lie. He said in

his video he will try to understand any thing in my life but if I will not lie. He never said thank me for my honesty but I will tell the truth. 2. I feel we are the same in love. We can love only one person. Yes, he had never betrayed his girls and me too. I never had fell in love with other person while I was dating with my man. I never broke my relationship because of other girls too, I never had the rivals. Besides one situation. It was not serious relationship but I liked one guy very much. And my sister began to sleep with him. I was shocked. I stopped talk with my sister. My mum began to judge me. I understood one thing – my feelings are my feelings, I never would like to share that with my family. 3. We don’t believe in words. But he needs to see my deeds, I need to see his feelings by his physical dealing with me. Once I thought he can be the same. I told him when he will see me he will understand everything. But it was a mistake. It’s not important for him. But as he can see I’m light-minded by my words so I can do too. 4. We are curious to know about each other. And we remember the details of each other. We know about past, about pain, about days and nights, that’s why our conversations are so full. 5. We are emotional, sensitive, delicate. We are naked hearts. And every change, every step is blood and tears. Our words hurt us. I asked myself if we can be less sensitive… What terrible was happened when I respond to other 1 man 2 times? What really terrible was happened? Who is dead? Why is it the end of world? And what will be the end of world? What terrible will happened if I will not respond to all people? What really terrible can happen with me? Who will be dead? Why will it be the end of world? And what will be the end of world? And I see nothing really terrible will not happen. And I can do more for M. and it’s not the place for my proud. It’s place for my goal. 6. We value our past. Not our. Not past of each other. Each of us values his past. Past have great influence. What we saw, what experience we had. Yea, I said about one example from my past about my grammies. But they had lived together long life. And I believe they loved each other. And we still wait for proofs. I still wait for my 2 reason. I have examples of endless trusting. M. has the examples of his ex lieing. I had the example how I need to protect my personal life from judges of my family. He is teached to share everything with his grammy. 7. We are curious in knowing more about events and things around. We read about politic, about events, we wanted to know about country of each other. One day I thought about I can really sew dresses in USA. And I began to look for articles about American fashion, about what is Russian beauty for Americans. It was no information. But internet found a lot of information

about how Russians live in USA. And it was very scary information. A lot of letters from women who became the victim of aggressive dealing. But we still believed we are the special couple. Maybe we had something else… and I don’t see

Any way our next decision needs to be our common decision too. He wrote to me he doesn’t want to talk with me anymore. I’m very sorry I can’t set near by him, I can’t lye his head on my laps. It must be very hard to write this. If he is sensitive like me I feel his hands quaked as mine. And I thought what loving person has to do in such situation. How I can be sure he are able to really love me? I think I know what action I need to see. But I am nearly sure I will never see that. And if I want to be loving and equitable person too I have to thing about what he needs too. And he didn’t deserve to hurt. He has to have his own happiness. Few days for myself Yea, it’s scary to let to go. To let do anything he wants to do. I never tried to keep someone with me. I was not angry. I was not very sad. I was just full.. and empty at the same moment. It’s very very hard to explain. But it’s feeling like you need nothing. And it’s very dangerous feeling. Because it makes your soul to be cold and your heart to be not respondent. I felt I lost something. I lost my illusions. I felt like everything was only my dream. Firstly he wrote to me letters with angry and disappointment. What will do others in such situation? Will they go to cry to their friends? Will they go to get drunk? Will they go to look for new love? – I don’t know. I sitted with my notepad and didn’t know what I can write. I had nothing. I felt nothing. He had begun to write to me by other style. I felt I need to respond to he can know I’m here, I listen to. But I didn’t want to grow misunderstanding, to discuss every of our words. And also I wanted him to calm his emotions. I wanted him to understand what he wants because I felt I’m leaded by him. He didn’t write to me without important reason. I felt I can respect him. He listened to me. He is not like others who will scare and will try to keep you, to manipulate you. And really it’s so easy to give everything to person who can demand nothing I thought why I’m suffering so much. And I felt I had understood something. I had began to cut by alive places. And I felt pain. From my life I deleted people who I knew to be real and who really worryed about me. Why? Why I needed them so much? Why now I am thinking about them more than about M.? Very personal… about real reasons I thought what my experience will say about that? And my experience said me that my men had began to be the most important persons in my life by dealing with my body. Yea, I began to felt serious intentions in relate to them

after.. After sex. Its very personal question. But its how I feel. And I felt that he is my man not only by sex, but by his dealing with me after sex. My first ex was achieving me for 2 months. And we even have our special language when I can use special signs and he can understand I don’t want him to touch me. He teached my body to be near by very small steps. When someone needs to deal with my body I always want to run away. My body is one thing I feel to be mine and I can control that. I can’t let it to belong to someone so easy. Must be he felt that and he wanted me to be there with him. And he leaded me through every moment when I was able to run away. And once I had seen we understand each other by physical dealing perfectly, I accept his body completely! His body is the continuation of mine. He had done great job. Yea, someone can ask me “hey, and what’s about cuddling with friends? And photo?” And I feel the difference. The difference between situations when I need to let my body to belong to man and when I need to trust he doesn’t want my body. I know my friends don’t want. Whats about other exs? That was only mistakes ... My second ex began to be physically close to me very fast. It was because we both needed that, we hurted because of loneliness. And it was usual mistake. At real

I was not ready to share his views on life, his habits, his goals. At real I was lost. I wanted to adapt. I wanted to understand his needs before my needs. Because for me it’s very hard to understand myself. I need something from inside, some opinion or judge. And knowing that I also struggle against influences of people around me. This is the great contradiction of my nature. This is very hard to explain or understand. I always can be ready to acquit the other point of view, to understand other ways, for me there are not only white and black colors! For me there millions of colors around and everyone has right to exist. When you have no wrong opinions it’s easy to decide what is yours only by having strong goal. I needed to have someone I can live for. And I tried to understand and accept his style of life. But I can’t. And I felt guilty and I spared him. Now I don’t think it was love.

12 I have to understand one important thing: Before you will love someone you need to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself you need to understand who you are and what you want. What do you live for? And it’s not concrete people, it’s not concrete profession or job, it’s something more. It’s the way how you live at all, how you work, how you love, how you deal with people. This way you can lose everything but not yourself. This way people will see who you are and will able to love and respect you… But maybe I’m wrong? Maybe tomorrow I will see the other side of this problem? Maybe tomorrow my truth will be red while it’s green today? And I did a mistake again. I connected my life with my profession. Yea, it’s interesting how people connect their identification with things they have. And when they lose these things they lose their lifes and themselves. There is one curious soap opera with name “Dr House”. It’s about man who identificates himself by his pain in his leg (he was an invalid). I watched it about 4 times. Very deep movie. Not everybody will understand that. And I spent more than 1 year with this idea. My life is my job. Maybe it’s good. When I was seeking new job each of 3 companies I addressed to had wanted to work with me. My boss looked for possibilities to make me stay too. That time I felt I can realize my dream – I can be the trainer. I wished that while I was student. And also I remembered my goal – I needed more money to rent housing. That’s why I choose my today company confidently. I didn’t have long relationship because no one can compete with my last job. And also I didn’t want to see my admirers. Of course I had sexual links with men. Of course I hoped I like each of them. But my soul and my body told me “he is not mine!!!!”. And when someone called me again I found the reason to not meet him anymore. I changed about 10 partners during my life. And I hurted… because I had no emotional link with this people as I had before with my first ex…. And my friends asked me why I don’t return to him… and it was very sad to understand he was a good guy… but I didn’t love him anymore… I just didn’t love… I can’t let myself love him… I can’t do all I did before because of love.. I can do… but because it’s my duty…it’s way to nothing. Once I will understand one thing: When you have your man it doesn’t matter what you feel this moment. He is your man you once had chosen. And you will not think about to do or not to do or why to do. You will just do. And your deeds will give birth to your love. And your love will give energy to your deeds. It will be closed ring. And it’s why many people live together for many years. Of course if they do that both for their common goal. What’s about my last ex? It’s the most terrible

things. He tried to achieve me about month. Once someone called on my phone. It was about 10p.m. We just sitted and drunk red wine. It was unknown number (I keep the numbers of friends always in my phone). So it’s too late for callings for unknown numbers. I didn’t know who it was. That’s why I didn’t answer. And he just took his phone and recall to this number. Someone had answered and my ex asked “why you think you can call to my gf? Do not call her anymore”. I was wondered. He called me his gf when we knew each other only few weeks. Everytime when he began to contacting with me physically I wanted to run away. And I runed off but he called again. Again and again. Every day. And I liked him. He looks like very well-educated, strong and optimistic guy. That’s why the question of belonging my body was solved to his good. And I really felt I accept him completely. There was nothing I disliked in him. I liked how he looked, I liked how he talked, I liked how he smiled, I liked his eyes, voice, odor. But I still felt just one – he is very young, he has very lightminded relate to reality. He can change his plans everyday, I saw no base to his wishings. He disliked my job. He wanted us to leave this place, to change our professions, to earn a lot of money. It scared me. Before he had left my town he told me he never wanted to be married, he never wanted to have children. And I said him that I see many couples living by this way and it’s normally. I broke the connection in my mind between me and my job for him. I was ready to be with him without marriage. I was ready to leave my hometown. And that situation killed me. Later his grammy told me that I was too naïve. How can you give all to him? asked she. He is young man, he just feels comfortable to have you so close. He had sex, food, care. What did you want? I cryed. I still felt I hurted him. I remembered my first man was not the same. He cryed when we said goodbye to each other. He was sorry that he never had asked me to be his wife. But all men became nasty for me. So, what I understood There are different people. There are great and bad guys. And to know I have a great guy is less for me

to love! Yea!!! I’m toooooo capricious in this sense. I need to feel this emotional connection, I need to feel the physical belonging to this guy. This is my way of choosing who is mine. But only that can’t show me who is the right guy… I can choose and I can do a mistake. That’s why I never felt the love “from first view”, that’s why I told “I love you” only few times in my life after 8-12 months of dating. And that’s why I never will able to really believe that someone can tell me “I want to be with you for the rest of my life” on the second meeting. That’s very serious. That’s reason for all guys to not waste their time on me. And many guys choose this way. Once M. said me that he had liked other girl. And he wrote that I deserve the better man. It seems like destiny speaks with me. If he can just know how much times I heard that from my friends, colleagues and other men. My ex told me the same. He said “you are good girl. Please find good mature guy and create your family”. It was very hard.. I cryed.. because I thought I had found yet… That’s very serious. But it’s also great reason why my man will trust me. He will never see situation I love other guy. I’m not able to fall in love so fastly. But anyway I need to think how I can do my relationship more safety.

Real woman I was still thinking about why I am suffering about guys I had deleted if I never will be their woman. What do I fear? What do I value? And I looked on my habits and principles how I lived. Yea, to verify my feeling by physical dealing was my principle of building the relationship. I feel I did it by my instinct. Also I felt something the same to… food… yea, to food… I can’t let anybody to feed me. No matter it means to cook for me or to pay in restaurant. It’s instinct too. I can get my food only from person I can belong too. In other case I feel myself uncomfortable. I need to feel he don’t want to own me or he is my owner. Because only my man can care about me by giving food to me. All that people don’t give food to me. But they tried to care about me by other ways. After I showed them I will not be their woman they continued to care about me. It’s hard to understand what I really want so I just letted them to care about me and choose the type of careing. And I felt my duty to care about them too. I wasted my energy that must be given for my own man. That’s wrong!!! I need to understand: Only my man can care about me. Noone else has no right to care about me! Or it can be very temporary or exstreme situations. And this is the strong of real woman. To not scare to stay without help and care, to not scare to stay alone. And M. has his own way of careing about me. I need to understand he is not like others. I lost my woman’s strong when I leave my first ex. I tried to find new bf, I didn’t like anyone and I created a

net of careing over me. A lot of people who needs to know how I am, who i can chat anytime with about my problems finally kept the illusion that I will be ok anyway. So I didn’t feel myself lonely or helpless. But at real I was so lonely…. And I was not really free… Once my friend called me while I and my ex were having a supper. And he asked me about my dress. I sewed the dress specially for celebrating the New Year on my work. And I had laughed and said that it was sewed but by green thread! It means my dress is not ready. My dress was red and green thread was only preparing to real sewing. So, for me it was nothing. And my ex was hurted because I didn’t tell to him about green thread. I was wondered! All the most important things in my life are for my man!!! And all drivel is for other people. I would never tell my man about thread… I would never let me do with my bf the things I can do with my friends! He will never see how I paint my nail, how I color my hair. He will never hear the talking about stupid shoes or sales or talkshows. It was my rule. It was my trying to care. Maybe it was wrong way. Men mostly don’t notice that. Maybe man just needs you to be here, to share everything with him, everything. And for me it was the issue of communication. For him it was issue of trusting and caring. Someone worries about my dress! Crazy! How can he let himself ask that?! Now I understand. Time goes on… Time goes on. I’m psychologist. Sometimes I ask myself who was first – me or psychologist inside me? One can’t live without other. Analytic lives inside me near by my capability to act without reason, to miss important things. I can be very impulsive. This is one else conflict of my nature. Times goes on. I was surprised. It was the new level. Something really new. I’m still here and our communication with M. changes. Firstly I felt I lost my wall. No place to hide myself. He knows everything. It’s freedom. Freedom to not worry he will not understand me. My understanding of him changed completely. I rereaded our letters and thought what idiots we were.

I was surprised. He surprised me. He comes 1 step forward to me. I worry, he talks to me about things I even

didn’t have time to notice but that bothered me. He looks for more and more information and understanding. I feel our common language had begun to appear. 1 thing else. I had felt I don’t have duty to talk to him. To feel connection with him I don’t need to talk, talk and talk. I can do a lot of things here in my reality seeing he is online but I don’t feel I must write to him. Our silence is full for me. I don’t need talking about everything and nothing. It reminded me the condition of pregnancy. Yea, you can think that pregnant woman has a lot of fears. Thats true. But also pregnant woman is the most strong and confident woman you could see. She has something inside that gives strong to her. She has something that needs her so much so she always will know she will be safe. Its like when fiancé waits the soldier from war. And he knows he has not right to die. So, I’m something the same now. I feel I have something else besides myself. I have some inner core. Part of M. even now lives inside me and talks to me. Interesting thing. I hope I’m not going crazy. Once my friend offered to tell fortunes to me. Yea, my friend is very well in divination with cards. And she had done the alignment of taro for me. And first card that describe my past was “hanged”. It tells that I had a lot of serious hard situations. And I hang, hang and hang. But the most interesting thing in such situations is the position of hanged person. Full world can be broken but person accepts that with calmness and humility. She said one thing to me. She said “N., you had transcended the limits of your abilities yet”. I asked myself what it can mean. If can’t I do something more? If can I do more and more and more and even have no limits? and I felt I can more. because I have something inside me besides myself. But also I don’t know how long I will be able to live by this way. I don’t want to have M. only in my head. I would prefer to be weak girl in strong arms. But when I’m here alone… I feel something the same was happening with me before… And when I’m alone it seems like I feel ok. But talking to others about M. I understand I carry incredible nonsense… how could I miss the moment when he had become to be the center of my life and my feelings!? My friends usually ask and listen to my stories about M. very seriously like he is here. They began to ask me more and more. They want to study from me. Once one of my friends told me “it seems like you and he had

done so great job!!!!!’, then she said “it seems like he is the ideal for you and you are the ideal for him”. And I ask myself if our ideal couple is just the result of distance. We have a lot of time to be apart, to think, to list back the letters… if we will be usual in real? With usual conflicts, usual misunderstanding… this is my first fear. My second fear is to lost my M. I mean to find my real M. and lost my virtual M. what if they will be two different Ms???!!!........ I have no comments. It’s blind alley. What can I do with this fears? Firstly I know to have conflicts is ok! Conflict is the way to find common language and to find the common decision. And we even now have a good base to have positive conflicts. What do I need? I need to keep my promise. I had promised to M. I will never explode with my emotions in regard to his questions. And maybe it will be even easier by person. I will feel his emotions better. The second fear is harder. And I don’t know where.. where I am taking my belief. But I never thought I will be able to see him and then leave. I always see great pictures! How we smile together, how we are caught in the rain, our first common video. And I live like it had really happened. And I know that it’s the trap of my illusions. And tine goes on. And my illusions are stronger and stronger. No despair… I still can’t understand if it became to be worse after second visa fall. I have different mixed feelings and thoughts. Firstly – it’s ok. I’m really not guilty. I felt I had no chances. I saw they didn’t want to know anything besides I’m married, I have children, I have a lot of trips abroad, I have a lot of money. That calmed me a little. But the second side of this coin is my despair…. I feel I have wall front of me… my friends tried to offer the decisions but I disliked, disliked, disliked! I felt I have no way! I felt everything is useless. My illusions don’t help me anymore to overtake my condition. I became to keep silence most of time. I thought. But I was not able to talk what I was thinking about. I feel I just tried to break my mind. I wanted to prove to me it’s possible. It’s possible to come to USA. I tried to make me to believe I will live there with him, I want to live in USA with him. I need to love this country, I need to love my future life. I believe all limits are in my mind. All limits are in your mind. All you want to do is possible! You had done such

“impossible” things many times!

Russia.

Everything had changed after he decided to visit

I thought what I would do if there are no falls in my life? What I would do if I know I will have success anyway? I felt I’m ready to act. I overtook a lot of my fears… I feared to show Russia to him.. I feared to talk to my mum about him… I feared to take the responsibility on myself… I did, I did, I did…. Now I have just one fear. I fear he can give up. I fear it became to be sooooooooo seriously for me. I fear he will leave me. I know he can have strong feelings but also he can act for his goal. He had left me once. And yea… my past.. my exs never had other girls… but my ex just left me… just said “it will be better”. And I cried. And following to my habit I need to say “goodbye” to not be hurted, to run away. I asked my self “why?’. Why was it so hard for him to visit me in august as we planned? This way we will need to wait the less time to get fiancé visa why did he prefer Vera? Maybe they had doubts about my sponsor who was her sponsor too Now the story is ended. M. is married to other I asked, asked, asked and I tried to break the way of my girl. We broke 1 month after he visited Russia. He had got married after 2 weeks. His dream to be married came true. thinking. And I still don’t know what gives me so strong You can mail your questions and comments to nayaberlin@gmail.com. believe everything will be ok.