Dealing with Toxic People by Andrew Leigh

Contents

Disclaimer Dealing with Toxic People contains information, tools and exercises designed to help people successfully manage any ‘toxic’ people or relationships in their lives (see main text for definitions of ‘toxic’ in the context of this program). The content of this program has been designed to help address a wide range of situations and it is not intended (or expected) that all content will be relevant or applicable to any one participant. It is therefore imperative that participants in this program use their own judgement, and accept full responsibility for all actions they take when making use of the content of this program. If this condition is not acceptable do not proceed with using this program.

Dealing with Toxic People

Contents Welcome

How the Program Works

Before You Begin

Reviewing Your Progress

Part 1: Understanding the Problem

Defining Your Toxic Situation

Levels of Toxicity

Understanding the Benefits

Gaining a More Powerful Understanding

Finding the Dynamics of Your Toxic Relationship

Learning from what You Know

Real-time Observation and Review

Your Own Contribution

Toxic People at Work

Part 2: Inner Responses, Inner Resources

The ‘I Need to Change Them’ Fallacy & The ‘I Can Change Them’ Fantasy

False Expectations

Reframing

The ‘Manager’ Reframe

The ‘Project Management’ Reframe

Reframing from ‘Victim’ to ‘Empowered’

Contents

Decide Not to be Bothered

Reframing for Humour

Loyalty: Misplaced Loyalty

Responsibility Imbalance

Inner Responses, Inner Resources – Review

Part 3: Active Responses

Effective communication and Improved Assertiveness

Refuse to Engage in Discussions & Arguments 94 Saying ‘No’ Nice and Easy – The Broken Record Technique

The Give First Technique

104

Assertive Statements

109

Basic Assertion – Just Saying It

110

Negative Feelings Assertion Formula

112

Signs, Circumstances and Triggers – Simple New Responses to Well Established Patterns

114

Become Unpredictable

117

Phasing Down or Phasing Out: Limiting Toxic Contact, or Ending It Gradually

118

Using Your ‘New Time: Replacing the Lost Benefits and Reducing Reliance

125

Part 4: Ending a Toxic Relationship: Making a Clean Break

131

Breaking From a Friend or Family Member You Do Not Live With

137

Dealing with Toxic People

Clean Break Practicalities

139

The Danger of Disputed Belongings

141

What to Say & What Not to Say

142

The Unsent Letter

143

Channels of Communication

145

Review

147

Breaking from a Close Toxic Relationship but Living Separately 149 Clean Break Practicalities

150

The Danger of Disputed Belongings

152

What to Say & What Not to Say

153

The Unsent Letter Channels of Communication Children

154 156 158

Custody and Access

158

Minimizing Impact on Involved Children

159

Practical Arrangements for Involved Children

161

Review

162

Breaking From a Toxic Person You Live With Planning a Move

164 166

Timing

167

Open or â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Secretâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Move

168

What to Say and What Not to Say

169

The Unsent Letter

170

Channels of Communication

172

Contents

Other Clean Break Practicalities The Danger of Disputed Belongings Children

174 176 177

Custody and Access

177

Minimizing Impact on Involved Children

178

Practical Arrangements for Involved Children

180

Review

181

Getting Your Toxic Other To Move Out

183

Identifying Useful Program Material

184

Recognising and Removing Rewards

185

Understanding Your Legal Rights â&#x20AC;&#x201C; and the Rights of Your Toxic Other

186

Review

187

Dealing with Toxic People

Welcomeâ&#x20AC;Ś

Welcome

Welcome… … to the Dealing with Toxic People e-program – the only program of its kind to combine techniques of personal growth with clear commitments to positive, beneficial actions. In other words, this is more than yet another book to be read and forgotten (or read and ignored) – it is an active program which brings together learning, self-discovery, planning, and most of all – action – action that you have chosen and feel comfortable with – action that gets results. You will find valuable information here, written succinctly and without padding – but actively taking part in the program is where you will find the real, long-lasting benefits.

Your First Actions Take a moment now… to commit yourself to completion of this program. Take a moment to visualize a positive outcome – one where toxic people are no longer a problem for you. Visualize how you will feel when that happens. Hold on to that feeling and return to it whenever you need to focus your strength.

Toxic Other You’ll see the term toxic other used frequently in this program. It simply means: the toxic person you are focusing on. Other possible terms, such as toxic friend, partner, associate, etc. may not be appropriate to your circumstances. Toxic other covers all the bases.

Remember that you do not just read this program, you

Dealing with Toxic People

do it. So if you read through the previous paragraph but didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take the actions it suggested, then you need to do so now.

Welcome

The Toxic Paradox Toxic friends and toxic relationships can sour your days, potentially damage your whole way of life, and ruin the way you think about yourself.

Likeable, Loveable, Deeply Loved And yet – your toxic other could at the same time be likeable and loveable. And, in the case of close relatives and partners, they can be deeply loved.

Unintentionally Toxic That’s not all. Usually your toxic other does not intend to be toxic – and probably doesn’t think of themselves as toxic either. Even when a person is acting spitefully or vindictively, it will probably seem reasonable in their own mind.

Toxic Twins In fact in some situations toxic relationships can feel equally toxic to both people in that relationship. So do be open to the possibility that as far as your toxic other is concerned, you are the toxic one. So in summary: •

Toxic people can also be likeable, loveable and deeply loved

•

Toxic people usually don’t see themselves as toxic

•

You may seem toxic to them.

None of the above may fit your circumstances. But as you use the exercises in this course, please be open as possible in making judgements about yourself and your toxic other.

Dealing with Toxic People

How the Program Works The three sections of this program are as follows:

Part 1 – Understanding the Problem Activities and exercises to build up a clear understanding of yourself, your ‘toxic other’, and the dynamics of your toxic relationship. This is the foundation to support your move towards toxic free relationships.

Part 2 – Inner Responses, Inner Resources All about helping you to think differently about yourself and your toxic other in order to: •

Empower yourself

•

Dilute or remove the perceived toxic effect

•

Offer helpful new perspectives

Part 3 – Active Responses •

Managing and detoxifying your toxic relationship

and/or •

Ending your toxic relationship

You will take an active part in the program throughout: •

Practising techniques

Welcome

•

Generating ideas and options

•

Choosing actions and putting them into practice

•

Reviewing, reflecting and modifying to enhance your effectiveness

Keep an Open Mind Keep an open mind and be ready for some of your cherished assumptions to be challenged. Be willing to re-examine and modify ideas about yourself and your toxic other. And be open to new insights and ‘light bulb’ moments. And while you already know that you want to deal with your toxic friend or relationship, be open about how you might achieve this. Your best answer might be any combination of the following: •

More positive inner, emotional responses

•

Different outward reactions and responses

•

Changes in the frequency of toxic contact

•

Changes in the duration of toxic contact

•

Modified relationship status (for instance, from close friend to just a friend)

•

An end to any meaningful contact.

Dealing with Toxic People

Before You Begin You will need to decide whether you are going to work directly from (and on) your computer, or from a printed paper version. If it suits you better, a combination of the two is also fine.

Computer •

Copy the program files to a new folder

•

Name the folder and add an identification name to the copied files. (This is important if you want to use the program for more than one toxic person)

•

Actions Log – make a new file named ‘Actions Log’. You may also wish to make a ‘Potential Actions Log’. Use these files to record: o o o

Your planning The actions you are considering The actions you take

Be sure to add the date to every new entry. This will help when you review your progress. •

Reflective Journal – make a new file named ‘Reflective Journal’. Use this journal to reflect on and review your learning, actions and progress. Reflection and reviews are very important facets of this program and will greatly enhance your positive outcomes. o

Welcome

trusted) friend or unconnected listener such as a coach. •

outside

Answer Log: have your Answer Log open and ready to use o Please note that this file is in Microsoft Word .doc format. If you cannot access this format you will need to make a file and name it ‘Answer Log’. You can then write your answers in this new file.

Printed Paper •

Print out the program (a bit obvious, but…) Please note that although the program uses substantial blocks of colour in the layout, all the files will print out well using black only printing

•

File it! Get yourself a nice ring binder and dividers

•

Actions Log – make a new section named ‘Actions Log’. You may also wish to make a ‘Potential Actions Log’. Use these sections to record: o o o

Your planning The actions you are considering The actions you take

Be sure to add the date to every new entry. This will help when you review your progress. •

Reflective Journal – make a new section named ‘Reflective Journal’ – or buy a separate book for this. Use this journal to reflect on and review your learning, actions and progress. Reflection and reviews are very important facets of this program and will greatly enhance your positive outcomes.

Dealing with Toxic People

•

Note: so long as you record your reflective thinking, it doesn’t matter how you actually achieve it. Written journals are best for many people, but voice or video recording are fine, and feel free to add drawings if they help. If you like to bounce ideas of other people, then try a conversation with a (totally trusted) friend or unconnected outside listener such as a coach.

Answer Log: there is no need to complete all the exercises in the program, so you can print only the exercises you wish to work on. Make a section in your file for these. o

Most exercises, printed from the Answer Log file, will leave enough space on the page for your answers. If not simply add a blank sheet of paper.

Use the .pdf version (for Adobe Reader) for easy access.

Now – keep your files private and away from curious eyes. There is a strange kind of self-sabotage that some of us have that can easily lead to your ‘confidential’ work ending up in front of the very person you do not want to see it. Make very sure this does not happen to you – keep your work private and secure!

Welcome

Reviewing Your Progress The biggest reason for people not achieving the goals they set is, I believe, a failure to regularly review their progress. When you don’t review regularly it’s very easy for targets to slip by unnoticed and for planned actions to be forgotten in the hubbub of everyday life. Regular planned reviews prevent this from happening. They promote valuable reflective thinking, timely modifications to the plan, and continued motivation. Having put yourself in control with your initial goal setting and planning, regular reviews help you stay in control. If you’ve not discovered this already, you’ll find that being in control feels very good.

Exercise 1

Reflective Journal

Reviewing Your Progress •

Schedule regular review times and use your reflective journal as a review tool o

Do not choose review times that are ‘squeezed in’ to a busy schedule. They will soon be squeezed out

Do not choose times when you are tired or likely to be disturbed. Your thinking will not be your best

Do choose times that are sustainable and convenient Cont…

Dealing with Toxic People

•

Make sure you remember your reviews by using aids – diaries, electronic reminders on phones, computers, etc

•

Use a review agenda such as the boxed example – this will allow you to complete the review quickly and effectively

Sample Progress Review Agenda •

What worked? o Learning points o What didn’t work?

•

What felt good? o Learning points

•

What felt difficult? o Learning points

•

What needs changing or modifying? o Learning points

•

How might I make these changes? Look for several options if possible and make a list

•

Do I need to change the overall plan? o Record the changes

•

Actions to take between now and the next review o Already planned o Added to plan

Part 1 Understanding the Problem

Dealing with Toxic People

Part 1 Understanding the Problem Getting Started

Okay!

As this course is about ‘doing’, it’s time to move straight into it. Your first exercises will help form a clearer picture in your mind about just what kind of toxic relationship you are dealing with. So your very first activity is about clarifying and defining what makes the toxic people in your life so toxic.

Exercise 2

Answer Log

Defining Your Toxic Situation First of all, have only one person in mind as you run through this exercise. If you have involvement with two or more toxic people I’d suggest doing a separate run-through for each person. Exception: if you are involved with a toxic group of people then you may find it helpful to focus on the group rather than individuals. Let’s start with a small bagful of descriptions about what makes a toxic relationship, or a toxic person. As you read through the descriptions below, list the ones that apply to your own toxic situation in your Answers Log. Cont…

Part 4: Ending a Toxic Relationship: Making a Clean Break

Definition 1 Toxic Relationships can: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Lead you into negative activities or situations Make you feel small or worthless Damage your confidence and self esteem Leave you feeling drained Put you on the defensive and make you feel guilty Get you angry and frustrated Make you settle for less, often much less Bore you senseless Feel uncomfortable, scary and dangerous Feel manipulative Stop you from achieving Stop you from doing interesting things Keep you stuck in the same old rut Be financially costly or unfair Include you in a ‘failure’ group

Now add any extra descriptions you may need to complete the picture.

Definition 2 Toxic People can be: • • • • • • • •

Manipulative Selfish Clingy and insecure Always taking, seldom giving Aggressive and bullying Dismissive Eager to blame you (or others, or anything but themselves) Belittling

Dealing with Toxic People

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Threatened by your successes Dismissive of your dreams of success Insensitive Pushy Determined to make you into someone you are not, and don’t want to be Convinced you don’t know what’s best for you, but they do Unwilling to take no for an answer Very bad listeners Untrustworthy Dishonest Very unreliable Sensitive to any criticism of themselves but insensitive and ‘straight talking’ to others Mentally and emotionally draining Financially draining * Physically threatening or abusive * Dangerously manipulative o Note: these final two types of toxicity are not covered in this course. If this is your situation, please seek professional help and guidance. See the info box below for more help.

As in the previous list, add any extra descriptions you may need to complete the picture and enter your full list in your Answers Log.

Part 4: Ending a Toxic Relationship: Making a Clean Break

Important Note Abusive or Dangerously Manipulative If you are stuck in a physically threatening or abusive toxic relationship – or a dangerously manipulative or criminal relationship – you should seek personal professional help and guidance before taking any other actions. Please note that as a life coach and personal development specialist, I do not have the training, knowledge or experience to help you deal with abusive behaviour – but others do. In such extreme situations it may not be safe to act on your own. Although this program may help you gain valuable insights about your toxic other and your toxic situation – it was not intended for such extreme toxic circumstances as those described above. Go to the Abuse Resources file provided with this program for more information about dealing with an abusive relationship.

You have now completed the first steps in the process of detoxifying your personal life. The next step is about the specific effects this toxic situation has on you and your life.

Dealing with Toxic People

A Profound Journey As you complete these exercises you will begin to understand yourself and your toxic other much better. There will be moments of profound insight and learning. When these special moments arrive, make the most of them. •

Don’t rush straight on to the next exercise

•

Do give yourself time to reflect and embed new thoughts and ideas

•

Capture your thoughts in your Reflective Journal – or any other way you like. But do not leave it to memory. New thoughts have a habit of crowding out old ones, so record these profound insights before your next one comes along

•

Ask these questions o

How does this insight change things?

What will this mean for me when moving forward?

You may well stumble across life-changing self-learning at the very beginning of this program. Don’t miss it by going too fast.

Part 4: Ending a Toxic Relationship: Making a Clean Break

How Does This Affect You? Now that you’ve begun to build a clearer picture of the components of your toxic situation it’s time to focus on how this affects you and your life.

Discovery First Remember that these early exercises aren’t looking for solutions just yet. They are all about defining and understanding the problem. Doing this now will make it much easier to find the best solutions a little later.

Exercise 3

Answer Log

Toxic Impact What is the impact on you from this toxic person/relationship? Using your Answers Log, consider the three questions below. •

How do you feel as a result of this toxic situation?

•

What good things are you limited from doing?

•

What negative actions and behaviours of yours are a result of your toxic situation?