The
Gentleman's Way
The
Gentleman's Way
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Fireside Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10002. Designed by Andrew Lopez Playbook by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn Brocode by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn dapperq.com artofmanliness.com beckettsimonon.com dappered.com modaparahomens.com.br gq.com ISBN-13: 978-1-4391-1000-3
The
Gentleman's Way
The True Gentleman John Walter Wayland
The True Gentleman is The man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; Who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; Who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; Who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, A man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.
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Content The BroCode Dress Like a Modern Gent
The Playbook
THE
BRO CODE
Bros before ho's. While not legally or physically responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a disease. Some of which, such as children, can last an entire lifetime. DID YOU KNOW…
Article 1 can trace it’s genesis all the way back to Genisis. No, not the Peter Gabriel/Phil Collins pop triad, but the biblical book. The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls has unearthed a once-lost passage that documents the earliest infringement of The Bro Code. BOOK OF BARNABAS 1:1
And everything of need was provided in that Garden. Fruit, water, companionship. But one day, Adam came upon a naked chick, Eve, and desired her olive leaf. And so Adam wenteth behind and apple tree to know Eve, totally ditching his Bro, Phil, who had Knicks tickets, Courtside. Long story short, humankind became self-aware, paradise was lost, and well, we all know what happened to the Knicks.
Art.1
ART.
2
A bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it. NOTE: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of the cabin alone people would have been like, “Dude, come one”. If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would’ve been like, “Dude, come one”. If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early day of Motley Crue, pleople would’ve been like, “Lady, come one”. The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place.
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Art.3
If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown. COROLLARY: Naming a lapdog after a pro wrestler or a character from a Steve McQueen movie does not absolve a Bro from the spirit of this article
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Art.4 A Bro never divulges the existance of The Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason… no, not even that reason. NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is – a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience though the prism if stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we’re from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within. *Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.
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A bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle (engaging in a threesome), short of completing the tricycle himself. The total age of all the three should be less than 83.
Art.5
ART.
6
A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room. COROLLARY: If a bro gets naked in a locker room, all other Bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while, at the same time, immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage: “If a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes�.
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Art.7
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A Bro never admits he can’t drive, even after an accident.
Art.8 A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that succinctly get the message accross without costnig you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.
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Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as “Gimme three!” or “Wowm quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball”. It’s still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls… metaphorically speaking, of course.
Art.9
10 ART.
A Bro will drop whatever he’s doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick
It’s normal for a Bro to get confused and disorientated when dumping a chick. For some reason he’s worried she’ll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty more chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.
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A Bro may ask his Bro(s) Art.11 to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are – in most cases, stuck in the doorway.
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Art.12 Bros do not share dessert.
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All Bros shall dub one of their bros his wingman
Art.13
14 ART.
If a chick inquires about another Bros sexual history, a Bro shall honour the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth.
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A Bro never dances with Art.15 his arms above his head.
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Art.16 A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series and Playmate of the Year.
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A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his coworkers, unless they are beneath him on the pyramid of Screaming. America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can’t just scream at anybody ‌. You can only scream at those beneath you.
Art.17
18 ART.
If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after can canvassing the group. It’s normal for a Bro to get confused and disorientated when dumping a chick. For some reason he’s worried she’ll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty more chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.
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A Bro shall not sleep Art.19 with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry of another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!” COROLLARY: It’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over.
CHECKLIST FOR BRO-PROOFING YOUR HOME • Hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms and first cousins. • Open liquor bottles and dust the bar to give the impression you actually use it. • As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to the bathroom. • Scan DVR playlist and remove embarrassing TV programs like daytime talk shows. • Open all windows. • Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality. • • • • •
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Disconnect answering machine, or… Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive. Coasters, coasters, coasters! Sign out of email account. Usher girlfriend/booty call off the premises.
Art.20 A Bro respects all his Bros in the military because they’ve selflessly chose to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.
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A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smokinghot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, “She’s smokinghot, huh?” a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting.
Art.21
ART.
22
There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro. Women make excellent Bros. Why? Because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the Chick Code.
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When flipping through Art.23 TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women’s athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs.
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Art.24 When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’ clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.
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A Bro doesn’t let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girls name. The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts 83 days. The relationship between man and his skin lasts a life time and must be nurtured because the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has.
Art.25
ART.
26
Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.
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A Bro never removes Art.27 his shirt infront of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach. COROLLARY: A Bro with a coat of fur on his back keeps that thing covered at all times, even at a resort pool or the beach. Sorry, Bro.
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Art.28 A Bro will, in timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight. A Bro must, in timely manner, communicate the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety (henceforth “girl fight”), in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A “timely manner” is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro’s viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, carrier pigeons, fiber optics, shouting, postcards, and telepathy. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video, or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime.
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If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost of savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.
Art.29
ART.
30
A Bro doesn’t comparison shop.
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When on the prowl, a Art.31 Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know.
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Art.32 A Bro doesn’t allow another Bro to get married until he’s at least thirty.
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When in a public restroom, a Bro: Stares straight ahead when using the urinal Makes the obligatory comment, “What is this, a chicks’ restroom?” if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee. Attempts to basketball toss his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball…rebounding is optional.
Art.33
ART.
34
Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil’s Three-way.
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Art.35
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A Bro never rents a chick flick.
Art.36 When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.
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When a Bro gets a chicks number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her. The reason is Bro-flation. An unreasonable increase in female expectations about how bros should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends that you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships and all because you couldn’t wait 96 little hours.
Art.37
ART.
38
In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. -If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. -If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. -If they haven’t purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. -If they’re the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. -Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet -Broshambo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there. -*Rock, paper, scissors for Bros.
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A Bro will make any and Art.39 all efforts to provide his Bro with protection. Brotection forms a central pillar or, more accurately, a plastic coating for the central pillar of the Bro way of life. While not legally or physically responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a disease. Some of which, such as children, can last an entire lifetime.
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Art.40 A Bro automatically enhances another Bro’s job description when introducing him to a chick. Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity and sometimes, with the help of extensive make-up and structural lingerie, even their body shape. As such, it is a fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Bro-fession. While not legally or physically responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a disease. Some of which, such as children, can last an entire lifetime.
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SUITS & SHIRTS FABRIC PATTERNS
TWILL
GLENURQUHART
HERRINGBONE
WINDOWPANE CHECK
PINSTRIPE
HOUNDSTOOTH
SUIT CUT & STYLE
AMERICAN CUT
BRITISH CUT
ITALIAN CUT
WAIST
Straight waist
Slightly pinched waist
Tapered waist
VENTS
Single centre vent in the jacket
Double vents
No vents
Flap pockets
Flap pockets
Flapless pockets
Natural shoulders (no padding)
Padded shoulders
Padded shoulders
Fine choice for a first suit
Classic look
Sleek and modern
POCKETS SHOULDERS OVERALL
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SUIT CUT & STYLE THE 3 BUTTON SUIT Suits men taller than six feet
JACKET LENGHT
THE 2 BUTTON SUIT
Fingers should curl up naturally under the bottom of jacket
Suits men with shorter torsos
THE 1 BUTTON SUIT Suits men with lean frames
Not appropiate for all occassions but great for night clubs.
FLIES
A bespoke suit should have a button fly
ARM LENGHT
Arms by sides, expect to see half an inch of shirt. One sleeve might be shorter making it easier to see your watch.
TROUSERS
"The break" is the crease formed at the top of the shoe. Go with a slight or medium break.
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SHIRTS & TIES Matching solids colors is easy, but combining patterns is the way to go if you want to add solo character to your outfit. There's no right or wrong, just stay away from looking like an optical illusion by following this basic rules.
FIRST RULE OF THUMB A fail proof rule is to start with your shirt. Establish the primary color of your shirt, and then choose a tie with a similar color anywhere in its pattern.
SAFE COMBINANTIONS
GINGHAM CHECK SHIRT PLAID SLUB TIE
GINGHAM CHECK SHIRT BOARDING STRIPE TIE
BENGAL STRIPE SHIRT TWILL STRIPE TIE
STRIPE SHIRT HERALDIC CLUB TIE
SECOND RULE OF THUMB Your collar and tie should be in proportion with each other also remember to pair large patterns with smaller ones, you want your patterns to visually complement each other.
RISKY COMBINANTIONS
MADRAS CHECK SHIRT CAMO TIE
POD DOT SHIRT PLAID TIE
MADRAS CHECK SHIRT BROAD-STRIPED TIE
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PRO TIPS
DIMPLE The dimple is a little hollow right below the knot. It's planned imperfection, a sartorial detail that will make you stand out.
PROPORTIONS
LENGHT
The size of your collar should complement the width of your tie, and the width of your tie should match the width of your lapel.
Your tie should reach the belt buckle or the waistband of the pants. It's an old fail proof rule. Remember it!
ADD SOME FUN!
It's not all about the rules, have fun with some fun graphics! The goal is to give you a sharper and dapper look.
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CLOTHING FIT TRICKS THE SHOULDER INTO WALL What it does: Prevents someone from buying a suit jacket or balzer that's to big. Hot to do it: Put on the suit jacket. With the outside of your shoulder facing a wall, slowly lean into the wall. If the shoulder pad strikes first then scrunches up before your shoulder gets there, it's too big. You want a jacket where your shoulder, and the pad, strike the wall almost the exact same time. The less overhang the better.
THE HUG TEST What it does: Keeps your torso comfortable and your seams from bursting. How to do it: For shirts, suit jackets, etc... put the garment on and take a look in the mirror. Now pretend you're going to hug someone. If it feels like you're going to burst a seam and go all hulk-smash, then it's not a good fit. Try a size up, or, a different brand.
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CURLED FINGERS FOR JACKET LENGTH What it does: Helps you figure out what jacket lenght is best for you. How to do it: With the suit jacket, let your arms hang relaxed at your sides, Curl your fingers as if you were about to grab the handkes of a wheel barrow. Your jacket tail should come to rest right in that crecive your fingers have made.
THE FINGERS FOR COLLAR-SIZE TRICK What it does: Prevents strangulation. How to do it: Button the shirt all the way up and stick a finger or two bettween your neck and the collar. There's some debate on this. Some sources claim if you can comfortably fit more than one finger in-between the collar and your neck, it's too big. Others say two fingers but no more.
HANDSHAKE TEST What it does: Helps you find a jacket that won't fight you while you're wearing it. How to do it: Plenty of affordable blazers and suit jackets come with absurdly large armholes. Like, flying squirrel large. The lower the armhole dips down on the jacket, the more likely it is to shift and move, as your arms pulls at the body of the jacket. Stand in front of a mirror with the jacket on. Pretend like you're about to shake someone's hand. If the jacket raises up and bucks like a marionette with its strings being pulled, then you might want to find a brand with higher armholes.
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SUITS & SHOES
BLACK
LEAD
NAVY
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LIGHTGRAY
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WHITE
CHAMPAGNE
BLUE INDIGO
KHAKI
BROWN
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OLIVE
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GRAY
LIGHTBROWN
HOW A SUIT SHOULD FIT
JUST RIGHT
TOO SMALL
THE SHOULDER
TOO BIG
A well-fitted shoulder lies flat. The seam on top of the shoulder should be the same length as the bone under it, and should meet the sleeve of the suit right where your arm meets your shoulder. If the seam that connects the sleeve to the jacket is hiked up along your shoulder bone, or dangling down on your upper bicep, the jacket is never going to sit properly. In these instances, you’ll see “ripple effects” that create lumps or wrinkles on the sleeve and the top of the jacket. Shoulders are one of the hardest parts of a jacket to adjust after construction, so don’t buy a piece with an ill-fitted shoulder. Odds are you’ll never be able to get it quite right with postpurchase alterations.
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THE SEAT
JUST RIGHT
TOO SMALL
TOO BIG
A good fit in the seat will lie loosely against your underwear, without pulling tight against your butt or draping loosely down your thighs. You can spot a bad fit in the seat when there are horizontal wrinkles just under the buttocks (caused by too tight of a fit), or by loose, U-shaped sags on the backs of the thighs (caused by too loose of a fit). A tailor can “take in” a seat to make it tighter in the back without too much difficulty, but there’s a limit to how far he can go. If the seat was way too loose to begin with, it’s not possible to adjust it to fit without pulling the pockets out of place. Unless the pants have an unusual amount of spare cloth on the inside, seats can’t be “let out” very far to make the fit looser. Err on the side of too loose rather than too tight when buying.
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TROUSER BREAK
GOOD FIT
TOO SHORT
TOO LONG
The back of your trousers should be a smooth drape over the shape of your rear end — whatever that happens to be. The “break” is the small wrinkle caused when the top of your shoe stops your trouser cuff from falling to its full length. This should be a small, subtle feature. One horizontal dimple or crease is usually ideal. The cuff should indeed rest on the top of your shoe — there needs to be contact — but it shouldn’t do much more than that. The trouser can fall a touch longer in the back than in front, so long as it’s still above the heel of the shoe (the actual heel, not just the back of the shoe). This is one of the easiest adjustments to make, so you can rely on making some changes here if you need to. In fact, dress pants are often sold unhemmed, with the assumption that the purchaser will take the trousers to a tailor (or make use of the store’s tailor if there is one) to have the cuffs fitted.
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THE JACKET CLOSURE
JUST RIGHT
TOO SMALL
TOO BIG
When you are wearing a suit and standing, you should have the jacket buttoned. This means that part of the trying-on process is checking how the front of the jacket closes over your body. Close a single-breasted jacket with only one button when you’re testing the fit, even if it’s a three-button jacket. You’re looking to see if the two sides meet neatly without the lapels hanging forward off your body (too loose) or the lower edges of the jacket flaring out like a skirt (too tight). The button should close without strain, and there should be no wrinkles radiating out from the closure. A little bit of an opening at the bottom of the suit is fine, but the two halves beneath the button shouldn’t pull apart so far that you can see a large triangle of shirt above your trousers. (Ideally, you shouldn’t see any, though a bit is socially acceptable, especially when you move.) Taking in or letting out the waist to help the jacket close more comfortably is not a difficult adjustment, but it’s one with limits. Don’t expect a tailor to be able to make huge changes here. If the jacket closure looks really bad unaltered, it’s probably due to problems beyond the waist measurement, and you should be looking for a different jacket rather than planning on getting that one altered.
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JACKET LENGTH
GOOD FIT
TOO SHORT
TOO LONG
Not enough time or writing gets devoted to the overall length of men’s jackets. It’s more important than most people think! A good suit or sports jacket should fall past the waist and drape over the top of the curve formed by the buttocks. An ideal fit will cover a man down to the point where his butt starts to curve back inward, and stop there (but anywhere in that general region is okay). The hands are also a good marker here, and this is why it’s important to have your arms relaxed in your natural stance. The hem of the jacket should hit right around the middle of your hand — at or just past where the fingers meet the palm. If the hem of the jacket is sitting on top of the butt, with a small little flare in the back, it’s too short. If it falls past the bottom entirely, longer than the arms, it’s too long. The hem can be adjusted upward without too much trouble, but if you go too far the front pockets start to look out of proportion, so don’t count on more than an inch or two of adjustment here.
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JACKET COLLAR
PERFECT FIT
STANDING AWAY
BUNCHING IN BACK
It’s easy to tell a well-fitted collar from a poorly-fitted one, although identifying the cause of the bad fit can be challenging. Your jacket collar should rest against your shirt collar, which in turn should rest against the back of your neck. All of these should touch lightly, without significant gaps in between. If the collar is too loose, it’s very easy to spot — there will be a gap where it’s flopping back off your neck. A tight collar is a little harder to spot on a jacket, since (unlike a shirt collar) it’s almost all in the back. Turn from side to side as needed and check it out in a mirror. A tight collar will create bunching and folds just beneath it, and often wrinkles the shirt collar underneath it as well. Bad collar fit could just mean the neck size is wrong for you, but it’s often caused by a larger fit issue: bad shoulder sizing, a back panel that’s too small for you, or even a jacket that’s constructed with more of a forward or backward tilt than your neutral stance. Since these adjustments cost time and money to fix, you want to get as good of a fit in the original jacket as possible at the collar.
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THE DREADED X
GOOD FIT
BAD FIT
f you can see wrinkled lines radiating outward from your jacket button when you close the jacket, it’s too tight and will need adjustment. The Dreaded X, as my friend Barron over at Effortless Gent likes to call it — is not a look you seek in a well-fitted jacket. Front button strain is indicative of a bad fit in the torso, and it can go beyond just the waist size — you’re probably straining at the shoulders or in the back, too. On a more basic note, it also means the button is going to be prone to popping off. Don’t buy a jacket that shows strain lines radiating outward from the button. If you’ve got an old jacket that used to fit but has started showing them, it’s possible that you’ve either gained weight or accidentally shrunk the jacket in a wash — in that case (assuming the fit was good before), you may be able to have the waist let out a little and keep the jacket in use.
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THE SHOULDER DIVOTS
GOOD FIT
BAD FIT
If the sleeve of the jacket seems to dip in slightly just under the shoulder, and then flare back out again, the shoulders are too big. What you’re seeing is the shoulder padding protruding beyond your arm, and the cloth of the sleeve tucking back in underneath it. You can also get those wrinkles if you’ve got a somewhat slouched stance and the jacket is stiffly-constructed for a more upright posture. In either case you’ll need to get a smaller size, so that the seam where the shoulder meets the sleeve matches up with your body’s shoulder, or give up and try a different brand.
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THE SHOULDER RUMPLING
GOOD FIT
BAD FIT
If you’re getting noticeable bunching on top of your shoulder, rather than on the upper sleeve, the jacket is too large in the shoulders. This could be a simple length problem, but more likely it’s that the interior space is simply too large — your shoulders aren’t broad enough, front to back, to fill out the jacket. Try a slimmer fit, if the manufacturer offers multiple styles, or a smaller size. If you’re still seeing wrinkles on the tops of your shoulders, the brand probably isn’t going to work for you.
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THE SLEEVE PITCH
GOOD FIT
BAD FIT
Faint spiraling wrinkles on the outside of the sleeve occur when the angle of your arm in its natural stance doesn’t match the angle that the sleeve was constructed with. The result is a sleeve that looks slightly twisted even when your arms are hanging still at your sides. A tailor can theoretically remove the sleeves and reattach them at a slightly different angle, but it’s not a simple or a cheap fix. Generally speaking, you can consider this one a deal-breaker. Keep trying until you find a jacket where the sleeves fall smooth and straight when your arms are resting in their natural stance.
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COLLARS & CUFFS
CLASSIC
SEMISPREAD
SPREAD
BUTTON DOWN
EYELET
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WINGS
SMALL WINGS
MANDARIN
BANDS
STANDING
TIE KEY
NECKTIE SKINNY TIE BOW TIE ASCOT TIE BOLO TIE
NONE
Cuffs
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SQUARE
ROUND
ANGLE CUT
2-BUTTON
3-BUTTON
FRENCH
KNOW YOUR SHOES
LOAFER
DESERT
OXFORD WINGTRIP DERBY
BOAT
CHELSEA BROGUE
MONK
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T PL BO
THE PLAYOOK
1. Identify your target and just as she’s about to sip her drink, sprint over and stop her. You: “Don’t drink that! I saw some guy slip something in there.” 2. When she asks who did it, look around and point to the smallest dude in the room or a bro you want to play a funny prank on. 3. Let her reward you for saving her life.
Success Rate 45% Attracts chicks who don’t like being drugged Requirements good hand-eye coordination Prep Time none Bummers 35% chance of getting your ass kicked
THE DON’T DRINK THAT
THE MRS. STINSFIRE Success Rate 7% Attracts college chicks Requirements fat suit, old lady makeup, pince-nez spectacles . . . maybe some fake pearls? Prep Time one semester Bummers sorority rush procedures confusing
1. Search college websites until you find a job listing for a sorority housemom. It might take several weeks to a lifetime but it’ll be worth it. 2. Dress up like an old lady. Think Barbara Bush, Betty White, or present-day Rod Stewart. 3. Once you get the job, introduce yourself to “your girls” and immediately start talking up your wealthy son. 4. Convince the chapter to invest in a high-tech security system complete with a closed-circuit video surveillance package—you know, for safety. 5. Have your “son” come to visit one weekend, suddenly take ill and retreat to your room, and set “him” loose.
THE LORENZO VON MATTERHORN Success Rate 20% Attracts smartphone-wielding business types Requirements basic knowledge of website design Prep Time three quarters of a football game Bummers basic knowledge of website design
1. Think up a unique fake name. Have you got it? Good. 2. Generate a series of websites devoted to the incredible life of your fake persona and upload them to the World Wide Web. 3. Select your target, preferably someone with a real nice phone, approach her, and say, “Yeah, it’s me.” She’ll claim she doesn’t know who you are. Act incredulous and say your fake name slowly and loudly. When she says she’s still never heard of you, comment on what a refreshing change of pace it is to meet someone who isn’t after your autograph, your picture, your vast wealth, or your vast junk. 4. Now make a quick exit but be sure to repeat your name again for her. 5. As soon as you’re gone, she’ll get out her phone and do an Internet search. As she reads all about your fake persona, she’ll grow wild with passion. 6. Return a few minutes later, offer to buy her a cup of coffee, and it is on.
1. Pick out a particularly dense-looking target . . . and by “dense” I’m not talking mass over volume. 2. Point to your drink and mention that you’re only allowed to drink Tang up in space. When she asks if you’re an astronaut, immediately shush her. Look around, then say in a hushed tone that you shouldn’t be telling her this but you’re actually in a top secret government space program called Secret NASA . . . or SNASA. 3. Offer to demonstrate what reentry feels like when returning from the smoon.
Success Rate 13% Attracts chicks with moon rocks for brains Requirements none, though a helmet won’t hurt you Prep Time T minus zero! Bummers women dumb enough to believe in “SNASA” often don’t know what NASA is
THE SNASA
1. Attach the hair extensions to your melon. Affix the Cheap Trick patch to your newly acquired denim jacket. Put it on. Now, believe it or not, you’re ready to rock. 2. Select your target. 3. Position yourself within earshot of your target and, addressing nobody in particular, drop at least one of the following phrases: “Always great to meet a fan.” “Anyone know the yen exchange rate? Our world tour starts tomorrow.” “The hardest part of designing my guitar-shaped pool was deciding where to position the hot tub.” 4. Overcome by curiosity, your target will ask who you are, and that’s when you say, “I’m the bass player for Cheap Trick. A major rock band.” If she doesn’t believe you, model your patch for her. With any luck she’ll reciprocate the favor, and you’ll be out of that denim jacket before you know it.
Success Rate 40% Attracts groupies, dummies, big hairies Requirements denim jacket, Cheap Trick patch, hair extensions Prep Time fifty minutes Bummers uh . . . denim jacket?
THE CHEAP TRICK
THE “HE’S NOT COMING” Success Rate .5% Attracts romantics, very recently scorned lovers Requirements Empire State Building, a dashing, Cary Grantesque mid-Atlantic accent (recommended but not required) Prep Time travel to New York Bummers •numbers game •can be time-consuming •gets chilly on top of Empire State Building
1. Travel to New York and go to the observation deck of the Empire State Building. 2. Walk up to every girl you see and solemnly say, “He’s not coming.” 3. Repeat step 2 until a girl breaks down on your shoulder. 4. Kablammo.
THE HOT DUDE Succes Rate 100% Attracts all women Requirements handsome face, swimmers's body Prep Time none Bummers not sporting
1. Be really attractive. 2. Have sex with chicks.
1. Approach your target and accidentally knock her purse or phone to the floor. As you stoop to pick it up, pause meaningfully while exposing your leg irons. Make sure she sees them. 2. Quickly, in a whisper, tell her you just escaped and beg her to keep quite. You were falsely imprisoned for a nonviolent crime and you can't go back there. You only broke out to see your newborn daughter but your witch of an ex-wife refused to let you, even though you crawled through a sewer pipe to see her. This is also a good time to inform her that you have since showered. 3. Now that you've proven you're a bad boy with a heart of gold, it's time to ask if you can "hole up" at her place.
Succes Rate 90% Attracts ladies with conjugal visit fantasies Requirements leg irons Prep Time none Bummers leg irons can cause mild chafing
THE ESCAPED CONVICT