A COLLECTION OF POEMS
ANDY WILLIAMSON
LOSS. AND FOUND 1
LOSS. AND FOUND A collection of poems ANDY WILLIAMSON
poems.andywilliamson.com ISBN 978-1-291-52550-2 Copyright Š 2013 Andy Williamson. All rights reserved The poems and images in this edition are copyright and must not be reproduced by any process without the written permission of the copyright holder. Some poems in this collection have previously been published elsewhere.
inside 1 3 5 6 8 9 11 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 25 27 28 29 30 31 32 35
introduction poppies: june deep water behind the yellow line almost valentines day loss. and found poppies: july turangawaewae map the house that is my heart coming home secret hold up your hand another perfect day korowai you are my weather washing machine you poppies: august what you wanted travelling at speed this novel irony fear/love an unfinished poem poppies: september
introduction This collection was, with one exception, written between 2007 and 2013. The poems and images reflect the passage of relationships and our physical movement in the pursuit of (or away from) them. How do we re-negotiate our own sense of belonging and meaning through multiple migrations (of self and heart), yet remain anchored? Nothing happens in isolation. This collection began to form in New Zealand, in the Waitakere Ranges and alongside the Manukau Harbour. It was finished in East London, close to the River Lea and the Thames. Places between might be less obvious but are no less important. The images are collectively derived from East Sussex and Provence, in the wind shadows of Firle Beacon and the Petit Luberon. The poems are thematic. They are not serial. Some poems contain words written in Maori. They are not translated. Translation colonises meaning. Who are they about? I don’t know. Or I won’t say.
1
poppies: june
deep water momentarily there surprised by the intensity in your eyes lost in that split-second I can see everything that has gone before but no matter how hard I try your intentions elude me
5
behind the yellow line that cold wind from the east comes in off the river it tears through the gaps in the concrete walls tears through anyone who gets in its way people everywhere pushing against it moving quickly to escape if I put an arm around you would you draw me close for all I know it might be what you want
6
are we at the point of a missed opportunity are we friends or lovers are you the one or just one of the others I don’t want to be the one who stands back when the train’s approaching playing it safe behind the yellow line
7
almost valentines day I was absorbed in your smile a whirlpool of alcohol and hormones two days short of valentines day walking you home was a bold move I know but how else could someone who knew nothing attain the unattainable when you asked me in I stayed without understanding the enormity of who you were and what I had done
8
loss. and found life is about loss lost seconds lost days spent procrastinating over lost opportunities the fear of rejection and lost confidence brought on by lost confidences lost love yes and lasting regrets but who wants to linger when the clock is ticking and you are here
9
poppies: july
turangawaewae this is the place where I stand with its black sand and fierce surf blood-red pohutukawa burning under a blistering sun the bush yellow with spring’s kowhai and white fires of clematis rain dripping from the tips of ponga where tui sing the land’s song this is the place that has brought me home it is here that I have learnt to stand alone and I would leave it in an instant to be with you
13
map the day I left my heart cracked with the thought of us being apart the next day I knew that it was you I had to be with the clouds told me so I have done it I’ve torn up the map that has led me here it’s no longer needed my new map is woven from our love and it is leading me home
14
the house that is my heart the house that was my heart had thick walls to resist attack and one small room where I was safe the house that is my heart has a room I built for you I still keep guard so that we are safe the house that my heart will become is a palace in a grand park with enough room to hold us all
15
coming home this is somewhere I have not been for twenty years it is new and familiar the map has been redrawn so I must find my way for a second time I see signs I know sights that seem the same only frozen in my mind I see the scars and the changes I never knew before this is somewhere I will call home again
16
secret can you keep a secret if I tell you how I feel whispering it to you as you sleep so when I dream about you you will know I can keep your secret if you tell me how you feel you can whisper it to me as I sleep so when you dream about me I will know
17
hold up your hand hold up your hand our fingers open then fold around each other tightly you squeeze my hand and I reply love travels like electricity from half a world away and in this moment it is as if I never left
18
another perfect day you are like summer’s rain on hot tarmac bluebells in an English wood heavy waves piling onto the black sand a tui singing above me you are my anchor familiar, warm a part of me you are like Christmas my birthday like Tuesday the smell of coffee and fresh bread in the morning the first hot day of summer or the August sun at Muriwai you are like another perfect day
19
korowai we stand on the platform the autumn equinox folding its cold arms around us seven geese fly overhead intersecting the railway line calling to each other as they pass I wrap my soul in a korowai made from the sea mist the salt heavy pacific ocean and our love
20
you are my weather your eyes are my ocean your tears salty like the pacific your temper the winter storm rolling in across the harbour forcing me to run for cover your passion a summer’s day in auckland hot, cyclonic the humidity driving me to a cold shower hoping for momentary relief
21
washing machine soak and a rinse gets everything ready relaxes the load relieves the tension ready for the tumult faster and faster with power and rhythm shirt pressed against shirt then thrust apart the world shudders drains and finally stands there silent cycle over
22
you I desire you the curve of your body the softness of your skin your head on my shoulder and our fingers entwined
23
poppies: august
what you wanted you told me you wanted it all when all I wanted was you to want me you said join me on my bed of roses but kept the petals leaving me the thorns to prick my conscience you said let’s swim in my deep river but took me out too far from the edge for my unconfident stroke so when you told me you wanted it all what was there left for me to say?
27
travelling at speed I woke up one day and realised that I was old when I was young and foolish and you left I became consumed I became confused not wanting to stop or think or dream always travelling at speed
28
this novel one day I will write myself this novel about a man and the woman that he loved of how he held her how he couldn’t say enough to make her stay couldn’t say anything even though they knew the words and when I write myself this novel I might change the names so you won’t recognise me or will you know my tears through the ink
29
irony is it ironic that what you truly desire are the poet’s words
30
fear/love [your] fear will never be more powerful than [my] love but [my] love will never be enough to save [you]
31
an unfinished poem why are you reading these words? they aren’t your words they are mine not yet formed who is she? I don’t know or I won’t say because it doesn’t matter why are you so afraid? this isn’t a script for your favourite soap it’s just an unfinished poem
32
poppies: september
POPPIES: MAY (FRONT COVER), JUNE (TOP), JULY, AUGUST, SEPTEMBER (BOTTOM).
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