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UD C: 820-5
An na Ye g hoyan 2 0 1 3 ISB N : 9 7 8 - 9 9 3 9 - 0 - 0 9 0 9 - 4
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Be in g a wo man – se e mi n g l y ch a ot i c ye t w ith a logic of he r own , re a di ng b e t we e n th e l ine s ye t l e av i ng mu c h s p ace for w r it in g you r own s to r y.
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My sp ir it is f re e I t is runn ing a he a d of my mind Slow l y fo ll owe d by my la z y b o dy N e ve r dre amin g a b o u t n e w g a l ax ie s B u t al ways ho p i ng for an e we d love An d exc ite d ab o u t i t M y sp ir it is wi l d I t is re s tle ss, in co n s t ant s e a rch D e nyin g any n o r m a n d o b e yi n g no ru le R e f usin g to stan d on th e gro u nd Af rai d of g e tt ing i nto th e tra p o f b ou n ds S e e n an d un s e e n M y sp ir it is h ig h Witho u t tak ing i n an o t h e r j o int Addi c te d to a b s or b i ng m u s ic L ike a n a ir p l ane a cc u mul ati ng sp e e d E me rg e i n th e clo u d s an d in yo u Ye s, in and wit h in you
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It is true, but not r ight; You’re not me, I’m not you. But what else can we do? We don’t want something new, We stay calm, we don’t dream, I won’t change, nor will you: S o then why should we scream? When you’re far I just die, When you’re near, you k ill me. I’m just wonder ing why There is nothing to heal me... Yes, to heal... you’re my drug, And to you I’m addic ted. Or you might be my luck , From the heavens predic ted. And who’s me? As you see Not a gi f t, I am sure. I f your luck , stay with me; I f your drug, tr y to cure...
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Nothing’s ever in vainS o I shall be forgotten: Please don’t comfor t my pain I t ’s so per fec tly rotten Let me cher ish my gr ief And be war mly abandoned To unshared mischief Voluntar ily sentenced Keep that tissue of yours Let me taste my dr ied tears Not with you as I was I sho uld face my own fears I am down and below M y unuttered defeat… Please do comfor t my pain When I’m back on my feet
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I am tired -please don’t love me anymore,
But adore me, just adore me, nothing more…
Let me run away, behind me shut the door -
I n your anger do not curse me, but adore… I f I suddenly declare a silent war,
I n my miser y insanely please adore …
You can blame me, even dare to call me “ whore” I n retur n I will do nothing but adore!
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Th e s k y i s t r i an g ula r Th re e - laye re d Tr i co lo r… M y li fe is th re e fo ld, R e l ati on s t r il ate ra l, Conve r s ati o n s tr i l in g ua l. I do no t h ave m ul ti p l e f a ce s- ju s t t hre e : O n e i s s mi li ng, Th e oth e r i s s ad, Th e th ird o ne, t he re a l on e – l o s t. I n a t r i p l e roo m, Lo ck e d w i th t h re e ke ys Wa i t i ng fo r a k i ss, M ay b e for t h re e… Th e tr i a ng l e s k y is c r yi n g, I he a r i t s la s t t h re e d ro p s Th e y s low ly s lid e And m ake t h re e l in e s. I m a ke th re e s i g h s N o r i g ht fo r more.
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Has changed so much and yet it ’s nothing new
Your sudden care with unbelievable persistence
R efusing to accept and to believe in its existence
I t bothers others, bothers sleep, and bothers you
Their happiness, provok ing env y, near ly bothers
The loving couples, lovely gents, and smiling mothers
Again the M arch, the spr ing, « la romantique »… for others
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The One I n t h e e t e r n i t y o f d a r k n e ss
Yo u a r e t h e s u n s h i n e t h a t k e e p s m e w a r m .
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Wind from the lake’s blowing… I stand on the coast, shak ing… G aze at the distance, waiting… For the one who will br ing peace… And the time does not wait, running… Passes like noisy waves, crashing… Covers me with bold drops, pleasing… I t reminds me of the way you k iss…
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Today ’s rain i s no t ju st wate r,
I t i s a p u rg ator y for my t ire d m i nd an d wor n- ou t so u l. This ye ar ’s f a ll is n ot j u st a ut umn , The p a sse r- by is n ot a s tra n g e r,
M ayb e he is my g u ard i an an g e l or I am h is ? The com i ng n ig ht is n ot j us t d ar k , I t i s th e e n d a nd it ’s the sta r t:
From al l th e mil lio ns b e fore an d all t h e b i lli ons to fo llow,
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Do not play with my hear t… Links are broken, Thoughts are spoken. The wo rds were too hard. D o not play with my hear t… Links are broken, And so is my fate. Your apologies were way too late… I was shocked, and now Links are broken. Thoughts are spoken. Time can' t be tur ned back . There is nothing that now I lack . I t's the ch oice you have made. Thoughts are spoken.
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The words we re too hard… To believe in, But I can leave it. I will have a new star t. The words were too hard… D o not play with my hear t… You were wrong, But I’m strong Not to take it too hard… D o not play with my hear t… T r i b u t e t o S . Y.
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Breathe in, bre athe out, Shor t pauses in-bet ween. You love me, no doubt, M ore than ever, it is seen. K isses here, k isses there Each of them gives me a wing. We are here and nowhere... This is magic, don’t you think? Weak screams, eyes scared, Just one word- we won’t forget. You asked me, I dared... There is nothing to regret!
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Grab her h and in the dar k , Lead her to the lights of the future, O ther wise she might get lost. Look inside her eye s, Tr y to guess what she is think ing of, O ther wise you will miss the point. Touch her lips with yours, O ther wise sh e will give it to others.
O ther wise sh e will run away.
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Feels like going back to the star t‌ Folding back the unfolded dreams Chok ing on the pronounced sounds Losing touch with the promised ground Hear ing back ward echoes of screams All the unit y binding once And the nudit y once so shameful I n the end no one dares to stay graceful
I f we ever would r isk to divide
There is nothing that we decide Ever y stor y was already told All the details exposed and wor n out And no room lef t for even a doubt First they push us and then they would hold Splitting images down to squares And construc ting a game with no rules I t is idle in a struc ture that fools B eing rational honestly scares Would one day we stop using the hear t?
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Sh a dows They come and go whenever they want it. I f only I could control it‌
Four weeks minus one day… in a dream… out of usual pain… sense of comfor t… so real but fake… I still see… I still feel… I still smell… Four weeks minus one day… Why to say what You say… don’t compare me and her… You believe I will leave as she lef t?
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I t ’s a shiver inside me… the shiver of emptiness...
I t is fear inside You… the fear of happiness …
You don’t want me to stay…
I don’t want You to leave…
Four weeks minus one day…
at this moment You are mak ing Yours…
do not judge me… because we k now both
for mistakes that I made I have already paid…
and I lack just one lie… is it fair?
Four weeks minus one day…
The colour of my freedom is red The colour of my wisdom is red The colour of my glor y is red The colour of my stor y is red The colour of my sor row is red The colour of tomor row is red The colour of my passion is red The colour of obsession is red One of those days
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I slowly drown I n the amount of papers, Within the rows of questions, B et ween the speedy years Where I got lost. I am a ghost: A mor tal who refuses, A vic tim who abuses, An innocent who uses The energy of loss. I dream awake O f mostly those who’re cruel, And things that are mostly brutal, The evil is the fuel O f those who sink . Again a dr ink … or t wo For those who never found, For those who dream unsound, For those who didn’t k now But slowly drowned.
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Urge Please don’t let me let you leave me I t ’s n o t f a i r
I’m too weak
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Locking all the emotion of the current moment- so typical of me.
On my invisible tears,
You hardly saw me choking
Silently putting the pieces of my miserable past on the wall
Draining all the emotion of the hidden life- so untypical of me.
You unmasked me in every possible way,
Smiling back at others and fighting my shyness- so typical of me.
I was happy for letting you be,
You were proud of being the first one,
Sipping coffee in numerous cafes and smoking cigarettes in the cold
Smiling back at me and exhibiting my shyness- so untypical of me.
You undressed me- framing me in colours,
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Not being asked for anything in return- so typical of women.
You made me feel lost in this granted, free world,
Pretending to know it all
Inventing excuses for why this magic is so usual,
You granted me the world not asking anything in return- so untypical of men.
You set me free- free and unattended,
Beinga woman To wake up with cold shivers from the dream Of an ex-lover, A future husband, A current no one, And to mute one’s heart ringing louder than the alarm clock To regain the balance, still avoiding The traitor mirrors, The liar scales, The temptress fridges Filled with calories and covered in memories To win back confidence, while matching Earrings with stockings, Belts with handbags, Everything with a smile Almost managing to fake it in a perfect way
To rush down into a world of doubts Choking on the thought of break-up, Fixing leaking makeup, Ordering a taxi, And hoping that the iron was not left on To land in the routine, blindly staring at the screen C hecking all accounts, Making lists and counting, Sipping bitter coffee, Even managing to notice a nail-polish crack To keep goin g, seemingly calm and rational Greeting waiters, Meeting strangers With proper papers, Waiting for the end of this torture to come To unlock the door of one’s own kingdom and be its slave C limbing down from high heels, Facing piles of dishes, Locking lustful wishes, D reaming of better dreams to dream To call it “being a woman”… and to move on…
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Wonder if we could repeat that again...
Moments were endless but time was too fast.
And even faster my heartbeat was then,
Deeper and deeper I sank in your arms,
Flood but don’t vanish and don’t fade away.
There in the distance my memories flood,
Just like when I had to leave you that day.
Weaker and weaker and weaker I grow,
When you want to show me it’s for the last time.
It seems to be teasing me like when you kiss
And the faster my heartbeat the slower the time...
Faster and faster and faster it beats,
“You” is sleeping on my shoulder,
I am limping, mixing names, dates, realities… “You” is cuddling in and sliding away,
I am waiting, fighting doubts, adjusting…
“You” is hugging “You” and slightly smiling in sleep,
I am trying to fix it in my memory, on this paper, and smile in return…
“You” is being honest and uncomfortable,
I am finding my ways for comfort- uneven rows of ink… “You” has dry tempting lips,
I am longing to taste them and daring not to…
“You” is a child and an adult at the same time, I am neither…
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Stuck in a net, like a rat And no sign of regret. Like an angel in flames And with no one to blame, With no passion, no shame. She has dried all her tears, Locked away all her fears, Doesn’t care, doesn’t dare To be frank with herself. She’s a virgin who failed Who was blessed and then cursed, Who unsung and unheard And unmasked and undressed Shut her eyes on the world. Sees beyond, feels beneath, Stolen dreams, hard to breathe Red is grey, grey is black Mixing fate with mistake She could never… Whatever…
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The castle of my dreams was cruelly broken,
Collapsed from the cold storm of empty words,
And laying on its ruins breathing smoke
I cannot find the words for my emotions.
I cannot even cry– my tears also died
Together with my smiles and with my senses,
And like the poets of the ancient times
This misery gives birth to my new poems.
I must regain the courage, I’m above it-
I’ll take this as payback for my sins...
That’s true, the castle of my dreams was broken
But I’ll rebuild the castle of my dreams!
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To the stranger Will you leave me alone? I don’t want you to be in my dreams.
Open your eyes, Look at me with those eyes of yours, I want to see my reflection in them. Love me so tenderly, Love me with that wild passion of yours, Just don’t stop till you feel it so. Stop for a moment, Let me and you breathe and believe In the reality of all this magic… Then go on again Like it’s for the first time And as it’s for the last time ever. Kiss me on the lipsWhichever taste to your liking now, I leave all the choice up to you.
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Wondering if others do know what I do‌
Now walking alone, still feeling those feelings,
I’m tired but happy.
So that we are a whole in the crowd, not just there.
So that people see the way we look at each other,
See me off, loving,
But just those that come straight from your heart.
Tell me all the things I linger to hear
Later talk to me,
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I talk to you
about tiny little things
in every language heard
from every telephone booth seen
I talk to you
I smile to you
from the new trains
through the old towns
from a thousand miles away
I smile to you
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Uncover my head and my heart Let me think, let me feel Untangle my legs and my feet Let me run, let me love Bring my hands down Don’t let me surrender Put my chin up Don’t let me feel ashamed Undim my eyes Make me see the beauty Pull apart my lips Make me breathe in air and you Discover me deep Like no one before And hide me again So that others don’t find me
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Our love can never end:
How can something that had no beginning have a finale? It was an illusion‌ of two people So well trained to seem happy.
It was a perfectly thought out deal of two merchants
Buying emotions and giving them out for nothing. It was a habit with no history:
Why create a history for the two who have separate tomorrows? It was just sharing a pillow
Without sharing the dreams seen on it. Our love can never end.
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I never look ahead
But I never dare
I could even see my pale reflection in them if I dared to face my own self
I can sing their songs– gloomy
I can read their shapes
They are so white, so simple, so pure
I never look up
But I never dare
I could even touch them if I dared to stand on the tips of my toes
I can smell them wet and gloomy
I can hear them swinging
Someone has scattered pieces of clouds just above our heads
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I never look around
But I never dare
I could even know the reasons why if I dared to ask beyond the seen
I can draw their shadows– gloomy
I can track their movement
They are rushing somewhere‌ transforming so fast
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A n n a Y eg h o y an B ei n g a W o man
Fi n al ed it b y Kimb er le y V a n k irk Desig n by L ilit A r sh a k ya n A rtw o r k by G o h a r Smo yan P ri n te d by Z ar tP r int w ww.z ar tp r in t.am/ e n g
A.Yeghoyan Aut hor-p ub lish er Yerevan 20 13 52 pages
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