Mineola Memories: The Old Man Rants

BY JACK GARLAND

Those of us who have been fortunate enough to have lived for six or more decades have the very advantage highlighted in this column - of being able to look back and savor many memories. However, we also have the perspective of being able to compare life as it was then with the present state of affairs. Sometimes, and I stress sometimes, it seems that things have taken a turn in the wrong direction. Certainly, I cannot dismiss the magic that modern technology has brought to the features of our everyday lives: medicine, automotive safety, global communications, Velcro. Years ago, it took a great deal of time and effort to work my way through a pair of jeans so that the knees eventually showed their way through the denim. Now, this symbol of accomplishment is available right off the rack. How fortunate we are today, to have voice mail and answering machines advising us of the grandson in need of bail money, the unknown $720 bill on our Amazon account, the impending criminal charges against us by the IRS, and the fact that our Windows operating system is about to self-destruct.

Nevertheless, humanity needs to be made aware of the bad trends, and no one has perfected the art of complaining as well as we senior citizens. It is not only our privilege to criticize, but our duty. In his song, “Life’s Been Good,” Joe Walsh sang, “I can’t complain but sometimes I still do.” So now, perhaps in keeping with the spirit of the upcoming April Fools Day, here is my grumpy old man’s tongue-in-cheek list of gripes:

Those 500 ml. bottles of water may be trendy or convenient, but let’s think. I could pay 22 cents for 100 gallons of tap water that has been regularly tested and treated for health and safety measures, or drink water from an unknown source that costs more than the same amount of gasoline. Hmmmm. While on the subject, it seems that we now have self-service gasoline pumps that suddenly turn into TV sets. Couldn’t they have put a volume control on these things?

When we pay a utility bill, we are requested to write the account number on the check. But fifteen digits? I’m so glad that my phone company has 600 trillion other customers.

Years ago, we had to remove our shoes in order to attend a sock hop. Now we have to remove our shoes in order to board a plane unless, of course, we are old enough to be deemed incapable of designing exploding shoes.

When I was a kid and was about to receive a vaccination, the doctor would say, “I’m

Floral Park-Bellerose School District has announced its KINDERGARTEN REGISTRATION SCHEDULE for the 2023-24 school year

THE KINDERGARTEN PROGRAM HOURS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

John Lewis Childs School: 8:15 AM – 2:45 PM

Floral Park Bellerose School: 8:45 AM – 3:15 PM going to be sticking this needle in you.” Now I hear, “Just a little pinch.” Do I look that stupid? (There was no need for you to answer.) Speaking of which, years ago, none of us were brainless enough that we needed to be presented with warning signs stating,

Children who live in the District and who will be ve (5) years old on or before December 1, 2023 are eligible to attend. To register for kindergarten for the upcoming 2023-24 school year, please complete the New Student Registration Form located on our District Website (www.fpbsd.org).

New Student Registration is only for children who do NOT currently attend Pre-Kindergarten at FPBS or JLCS and who plan to attend Kindergarten in September 2023.

Once online registration is complete, you will be contacted by someone from the main o ce to make an appointment to come in with the required documents to nalize the registration process.

For further questions, please call John Lewis Childs School at (516) 434-2780 or Floral Park-Bellerose School at (516) 434-2750.

“This hot beverage may be hot,” or “Do not stop on the tracks.”

What’s the deal with middle names? We are mortified when they are read aloud at

CONTINUES ON NEXT PAGE eighth grade graduation, and then they disappear forever, only to re-emerge if we assassinate someone.

Perhaps if models were paid a little better, the males would be able to afford razor blades.

Hardly a week goes by when we don’t hear of some celebrity apologizing for something. When entertainers use their high visibility or popularity to set a good example, no one notices but, if they are accused of offending someone and quickly apologize, pow! A tidal wave of free publicity.

Does it seem that some products labeled as “green” or “energy efficient” don’t work too well?

Finally! A Saturday Night Live musical guest that I recognize.

In the past, all envelopes had to be opened with the common, stiletto-type letter opener. Now, in many cases, all we need to do is pull on the flap or the little tab and Voila four pieces of shredded paper and a sealed envelope.

Who needs paper towels that come apart in the middle? Also, I am certain that bathroom tissue is getting narrower and landscapers’ trailers are getting wider. By the way, why do some people pay money to have their grass cut, and then spend more money to go to a gym?

Weekly supermarket newspaper advertising inserts now have an interesting design. They are 21” tall. When we open them up and hold them out so that we can see the entire paper, the 7’’ wide pages fall out on our lap. As for the wider pages, some have the edges folded forward, some have the edges folded back, and some are not folded at all. And this is considered user friendly. Back in the 1970’s, manufacturers’ coupons expired in 18 months. We consumers would maintain little 3x5 file boxes with index tabs, sorting the coupons according to category. No need for that procedure now; the typical life expectancy for a coupon now is 18 days.

I would like to limit my verbal rant against children. Thank goodness we have them to open the child-proof caps for us. When I started teaching years ago, I made a promise to myself never to begin a sentence with, “These kids today…” But hey, is the visor on your baseball cap supposed to keep the sun out of your ear? Also, see if you can ride your bicycle without the front wheel becoming airborne every 30 seconds.

Do I have a smart phone? My cell phone is in the upper third of its class, goes dinga-ling-a-ling, and I can talk to people on it. For me, that’s smart enough. Sometimes I get interesting looks when I flip it open and pretend that I’m using a rotary dial. Social media? Does the entire planet need to see a photo of the lima beans I had for lunch? If you would really like to know what’s on my mind, check out a much higher class of media, like the Nassau Illustrated News So there you have it. Add to the list, share with your friends, and stay off my lawn.