Phantom Conversations

Smartphones are loaded with applications and features that let you enjoy social interactions and meet new friends. Why are they so popular? I can only assume that people look to avoid live face-to-face disruptions that can go bad real fast. Or maybe not. But if it’s true, there is a better way. Instead of downloading an application, many people use a feature not advertised by cell phone companies called the phantom conversation. This allows you to hide from others seeking to borrow your car, money and valuable time.

The history of the phantom phone conversation goes back to the 40s, at least in the movies. Take the PI who shadows a suspect, careful not make any abrupt movements that may blow his cover. He stays back a safe distance as he follows the suspect through the crowded streets of New York City. Suddenly, the suspect darts into a hotel and sits down in the lobby. The PI nonchalantly walks to the other end of the lobby, ducks into a phone booth, and lifts the receiver. Keeping an eye on his suspect, he waits a few moments and starts to mouth the fake dialogue.

Avoiding a face-to-face conversation with someone you know, for any reason, has long been a sore spot for many people. I’ve learned that it’s painfully obvious when you suddenly take off when you first notice the person. The phantom conversation provides a means to eliminate this embarrassment. All you need to do is pull out the phone, start talking and wave to the person as you walk by. Even Miss Manners would agree that a person on a phone call is off limits to interruption. True, it’s a fake conversation, but that’s not important. The fact is that you’ve succeeded in your goal to avoid a face-to-face conversation. Here is a true-life example that may drive home the point.

One afternoon, I pulled into my apartment building lot when I noticed a group of neighbors standing near the front entrance. I had just laid out six hundred dollars to my mechanic and wrenched my back reaching into my glove compartment for the checkbook. I didn’t want to enter the fray with their conversation suddenly turning to me and my disgust over a car bill. As I

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approached the group, the cell phone came out and I started a dialogue with nobody.

“Yeah, Danny, how goes it? They ever fix that pot- hole at the end of your block?”

As I walked past the group, we all exchanged friendly waves. They knew the deal and stayed a safe distance away. This signaled a respect for what appeared to be a legitimate two person dialogue. Once safely in my apartment, I buried the phone in my pocket and made lunch.

If you think that was good, another favorite application of mine is using the phantom conversation as a salesperson repellant. The strategy here is to whip out the phone as the salesperson approaches and quickly begin your non-existent conversation. What salesperson is going to walk up to a potential customer and say, “Excuse me, as soon as you’re finished, can I help you?” In this scenario, I was able to take pictures of certain items, go home and purchase them online. Now, you may be asking, “Who the hell started this farce of the phantom conversation?”

Besides the PI using the phone booth, history also documents that women were and are, true pioneers of the phantom conversation. What choice do they have with these derelict dudes lurking around bars, gyms and the ladies room? Back in the day, I had friends that went to bars armed with lame pick up lines that never worked. Yet, the lines stay in their arsenal. Women quickly learned how to combat this arsenal. For example, a woman is sitting at the bar waiting for her girlfriend, when she notices a guy approaching. The woman pulls out the cell as if she’s Annie

Oakley drawing a pistol on some cowboy, then rolls into her phantom conversation.

“Hi, honey. You won your WWF match? Almost killed the guy? What, you’re only five minutes away? Great, see you soon.” She watches as the prying panther does a 180 and takes off in the other direction.

You might also question the ethics of the phantom conversation, asking what kind of world do we live in? I agree. As a civilized society, we should be able to speak directly to another human being and tell them you don’t have time to talk. We’re not that civilized. Many people are too sensitive to another person’s feelings. More to the point, they don’t have the guts. Phantom conversations act like Prozac. They come to people’s rescue by mellowing the mood. They allow a person to feel they are involved in a legitimate act of conversation even though it’s more a case of deception. Deception or not, feel free to dive into a phantom conversation if you fear that a conversation may glide into the spewing of information not meant to be spewed.

Karl V. Anton, Jr., Publisher, Anton Community Newspapers, 1984-2000

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