Wellbeing: Dr Stephan Neff

Finding hope in the dark cloud of addiction and depression

Eight years sober, New Zealand anaesthetist Dr Stephan Neff is convinced that everything changes when you stop trying to escape your reality. For him, work and alcohol had become powerful distractors to prevent him having to deal with trauma, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and bouts of low mood.

“I come from a poor social background in Germany where alcohol was normalised from an early age. At age 13 I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I became the victim of a gang assault. The ringleader was sent to jail but said he would kill me when he got out. For years I lived with the fear, so I turned to martial arts, but I was in a dark, dark place. Once I started my medical studies, alcohol was the substance that helped me let my hair down and soften my “Rambo” side. I never learned to deal with negative emotions. Then, in the 80s, PTSD was so much less understood!”

Studying long hours, and later working too hard became a way of life for Dr Neff. Soon he defined himself as an anaesthetist and pain physician. Privately, his workaholic/alcoholic lifestyle meant there was little time for anything else including his wife and two children. A work-life balance was non-existent and the boomand-bust cycles continued for many years. Regrettably, life did not get easier with many additional traumas and challenges adding to the pressure.

“Depression, PTSD and addiction lie to you. There is hope and there is most certainly help waiting out there for you!”

Anger, resentment, shame and guilt became the dominant emotions in daily life and gradually his alcohol consumption increased to alarming levels. These emotions also created a huge hurdle for Dr Neff to seek help in those rare moments of insight in between phases of complete denial. In 2014 finally everything became too much. “I remember (vaguely) sitting drunk in my garage and crying my eyes out in emotional pain. My wife at that stage could have walked away on numerous occasions. Instead, she showed me the ultimate sign of love – with the help of my head of department she organised an in-patient admission to the Capri Rehabilitation Hospital in Auckland. This was when my life changed forever. For the first time in my life, I was forced to stop escaping and to face my demons. These were the hardest, yet the most beautiful four weeks in my life.” Over the following months, Stephan emerged as an empty shell of a man. Today he sees it as the privilege that few people experience in their lives. “I saw myself as a painter in front of an empty canvas. Who did I want to become as a man? I got to experiment and by trial and error transformed into a new version of myself. A bit like a phoenix from the ashes.” Dr Neff believes anaesthetists may be more likely to baulk from admitting they are not in control than others in society. With around 10,000 anaesthetists, pain fellows and trainees potentially reading this, there will be a number who are facing some part of this journey of addiction and mental health problems. Dr Neff believes he has some words of hope for those who are in a dark place. “Depression, PTSD and addiction lie to you. There is hope and there is most certainly help waiting out there for you!” He has written about his journey in his book My Steps to Sobriety, and interviews guests on his podcast and YouTube channel under the same name. He focuses on the underlying trauma and many of his guests have gone through hell and back, but kept going. Stephan believes that by being honest and transparent about our past we can become the light in the darkness of others.

He is devoting his spare time to seeking out the stories of transformation from victim to survivor to thriver. His two new books Depression Lied To Me and F*ck Depression will soon be released and include experiences of depression as told by 16 female and male storytellers. With 300 interviews and 1000+ subscribers his YouTube channel is growing and so is his passion to demystify mental health problems and addiction. Dr Neff says his recovery has depended on his family, friends, and his colleagues making room for him to heal but also on the understanding and encouragement of the regulatory body, the Medical Council of New Zealand (MCNZ).

His blurb sums up his mission. “I want to show fellow travellers that there is life after alcohol. In fact, I show that the life that is waiting for you is so bountiful and exciting that yesterday is jealous of today! The past does not equal the future!” Adele Broadbent Communications Manager, New Zealand