Songversation: I Am Light by Ayanga Okpokowuruk

Prologue

In the spring of 2013, I released my 5th album, SongVersation, this was a triumph for me. It was my first album back after what I thought would be retirement. I realized along the way, that I could take a chance and make music and do business on my own terms, and SongVersation was my return to my career and the music industry. The first song I released from SongVersation was called “Cocoa Butter”. With much excitement I prepared for its release, in anticipation of how my fans would respond to the first music I had put out in four years. Well, the response that I got was not to the music, but to the picture on the cover of the music... and the response was NOT good, to say the LEAST. After seeing the image, most people thought that I had actually bleached my skin. Other more reasonable people thought that I had altered the photographs so that I would appear lighter. The narrative being that I decided to lighten my skin, in order to finally gain that ever elusive acceptance into the mainstream music industry. In other words, to them, I looked “too light” to be India.Arie and had finally fallen victim to “colorism”.

WHAT IS COLORISM? “Throughout [...] the world, the lightest-skinned peoples have the highest social status, followed by the brown-skinned, and finally the black-skinned who are at the bottom of the social hierarchy. This form of prejudice often results in reduced opportunities for those who are discriminated against on the basis of skin color.” -Wikipedia Because of the historic cultural pain of colorism in the black community in America, the Cocoa Butter image read for many as, self loathing and social climbing. For my core fans it read as, a betrayal of my ancestral roots and an abandonment of my career long core message of self love. Colorism is a very complex issue. Just consider this for a moment; in the larger world sense, I am considered black skinned, in the black community, I am considered brown skinned. This conversation is very nuanced, but I’ll get into that in part 2. And yes, many people do bleach and lighten their skin to gain acceptance and reward, and out of self hatred, but none of that is MY truth. This SongVersation is my truth. Welcome to SongVersation: I Am Light

WHAT IS A SONGVERSATION? A SongVersation is exactly what it sounds like; Song (the music) and Versation (the conversation), a combination of a traditional concert and interactive conversation. I’ve come to a place in my personal evolution where I am ready to express the true, authentic, full, me, and that realization gave birth to the SongVersation format. The truth is, that I don’t actually have the temperament of an entertainer; I’m an introverted, sensitive thinker, and observer. I don’t have the constitution it generally takes to be in the music business in the conventional way; I’m not competitive, or sensationalistic, or trend hopping. I really just want to express myself. I enjoy watching, the conventional type of concert; HUGE opening number, lots of fast lights, really BIG sound, scripted parts, choreography, and structured song order, but I don’t enjoy performing shows like this. I LOVE MAKING MUSIC. I love to sing and speak, and communicate emotions and ideas through words and music. I really enjoy being on stage, being in the flow, and being spontaneous. I want to truly connect. I don’t want to just sing and talk to an audience, I want to sing and talk with an audience. So, I created SongVersation, for me, for people like me, and to bring people who are not like me into my world for a few hours. The inaugural SongVersation in fall 2013, was called, SongVersation: SoulBirdRise. Doing these performances, was hands down my favorite experience of my career, and I’ve done a lot of cool stuff. The feedback from the audience, in person and online, was that SongVersation felt special and sacred, “like being in church”. I felt at home. SongVersation: SoulBirdRise performances combine images, quotes from some of the worlds greatest minds, stories from my life , and songs from my 5 album repertoire, to tell my story of “Breakdown, Breakthrough, Break the Shell, Elevate and Fly”. A story of the how I learned the lessons that would change my ENTIRE life. The lessons that I learned are these: • There is is no such thing as avoiding pain. We all will go through hard times because it is part of the human condition (that was a doozie). • The game of life is living the best you can, given your circumstances. There is NOTHING we can’t heal from if we’re willing to do the work.

• And the biggest lesson of them all, NO ONE CAN DO YOUR HEALING WORK FOR YOU. Your healing is in your hands . • Being empowered to heal, IS my SongVersation (more about this in part 3) Through the SongVersation performances themselves, I learned another Lesson, SongVersation really worked! Performing SongVersation: SoulBird Rise, in 34 cities, I learned in real time, not in theory, but real time, the power and potency of what I call “a balanced expression”. The song and the conversation, intuition with intellect, the potency of combining the academic and the artistic, which brings me to SongVersation: I Am Light and how I will approach this exploration..

ACADEMIC AND ARTISTIC It has taken me so long to talk about these skin bleaching allegations, or what I will refer to here at SkinGate2013 (twenty- thirteen) because I have been reluctant to speak in public about colorism. Like I said, it’s a very complex issue. Most voices we hear talking about this hot button issue, speak from a political or academic perspective, and I am much more comfortable in the artistic and spiritual realms. I SING my mind more clearly than I speak it. For example, I indirectly address colorism in my song “Brown Skin” and to a degree in my song “I Am Not My Hair”, but I never had the words to actually SPEAK on the subject in detail. SkinGate2013 changed all of that. During the debate in the media over SkinGate2013, I met and befriended a quintessential academic. He’s so cerebral, at times I felt like he was a new species of man! My world had always been dominated by artists, even my mother is an artist. In the 100 hundred hours (literally) of conversation we had over the year and a half since we’d met, I found myself repeatedly struck by the fundamental difference in our approach to life. For the first time, I realized, society venerates intellect over intuition, academics over artistry, science over spirituality, and the rational over the passionate. I mean, I knew that intellectually, but it never struck me on a visceral level. Through this friendship, a query was sparked... The query is this: Which is more important; academic or artistic, intellect or intuition, science or spirituality? Do I need to learn to be more one way or the other? I pondered this for months and months. One night I actually needed to get this idea out of my head, and so I drew a flow chart. I can draw that flow chart in two minutes now!)

Naturally, I began by searching for words to prove that artistic/intuition/spirituality are more important than academic/intellect/science but, much to my surprise, I couldn’t actually convince myself of that. By default, I began to search for words to prove that the opposite must be true, that academic/intellect/science are more important than creativity/intuition/passion. My logic being, “Does creative expression matter if there is no academic institution to record, categorize, archive or quantify it?” How are ideas spread, to those who don’t originate them, without institutions like a record label, or a publishing company, that get intellectual property into peoples hands and ears and hearts? I couldn’t convince myself of that academic/intellect/science line of thinking either. I thought, that is like saying Stevie Wonder wrote Songs In the Key of Life for the expressed purpose of being categorized as R&B music. (So much of my creative life comes back to Stevie Wonder LOL!) Stevie Wonder, and all true artists, create because it’s their nature. BUT! He RECORDED Songs in the Key of Life in order that it would be documented, and become a part of culture, and ultimately...history. I came out of a meditation on this concept and heard the words, “ IT’S BOTH!” I texted my academic friend those words, “IT’S BOTH”. He had NO idea what I was talking about. I had to recreate our conversation about the “balanced expressions” to locate him. This exchange solidified my theory. Ideas need language. Art needs archives. Music needs technology. I have so many words for this philosophy now. I am a songwriter after all.

THE BALANCED EXPRESSIONS

The arts and the smarts,  The intellect and the intuition,  The politics and the prayer,  The academic and the artistic,  The science and the spiritual,  The head and the heart,  The physical and the spiritual,  The talk and the walk,  (and my favorite rhyme) The ration and passion, And my personalized expression, SongVersation.

WHY DOES THIS MATTER? I discovered THIS... In these conversations and debates about colorism and the state of our society, a combination of both the academic/political AND the spiritual/intuitive, make for the most potent conversation, AND the the most potent healing. Can a man heal his body JUST by repeating affirmations? NO. Can a woman heal her body just by taking medication to address her symptoms? NO. But what we do know is, if a person approaches dis-ease in the body from the mental, physical, spiritual AND emotional sides, there, is found the best chance of healing. This same concept is at the core of this SongVersation. By addressing people as full beings; mind, body, and spirit, the deepest healing of humanity is possible. And so in SongVersation: I Am Light, I want to look at the issues sparked by SkinGate2013 from a holistic point of view.

ho·lis·tic /hōˈlistik/ adjective PHILOSOPHY 1 characterized by comprehension of the parts of something as intimately interconnected and explicable only by reference to the whole.

PHYSICAL AND SPIRITUAL SongVersation: I Am Light is predicated upon the necessity of humanity to take each person into account as a full, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual being. Because we care more about what things look like than what they are, because we uplift intellect and what can be proven, and push down intuition and what we feel, we are blind to the deeper aspects of ourselves and our fellow humans, to the detriment of humankind. No one debates whether or not the body, mind or emotions are real, but we are always debating the existence of the spirit. In truth, it is the spirit that animates all of those things. Without the spirit, the body and the other things that we think define us, cease to exist. I don’t feel one has to believe in God, as defined by any religious tradition, to believe that human beings are of a metaphysical (more than physical) nature. I DO feel that 6

even when one does not have a name for it, or a category to fit it in, one must acknowledge that there are mysteries in life that can not be explained away by science. In the debate over evolution, natural selection, and survival of the fittest, the question science has yet to answer is, “How do we explain love and altruism if survival is the point?”. For example; Why do we sacrifice ourselves for those we love (and sometimes for perfect strangers), even sometimes prior to procreating, if we are programed for survival? Why be altruistic? Why do we love when we know everything will eventually die? Wouldn’t it be self preservation to never love anything? I believe, the fact that there are things that are clearly recognized by science, but cannot be explained by science, is proof of another realm of reality that science can’t yet SEE. I BELIEVE this realm, where this unquantifiable reality lives, IS the realm of spirit and therefore IS in fact proof of spirit. In other words, I believe altruism and love are proof of spirit, and proof of our SPIRITS. This SongVersation is proposing that the DENIAL of the spirit, IS the fundamental issue plaguing humanity. I’m not trying to convince anyone that the soul is real. This is by NO means a rigorous academic approach. I am not here to justify my ideals, or opinions. I am here to share my truth, based on a 20 year quest for healing, wisdom and truth through my study of spirituality and human nature. In SongVersation I want to talk about how we can, as my Great Grandmother used to say, “Look after our souls”. I firmly believe that this is at the “Heart Of The Matter”. This brings me back to SkinGate2013...

CELEBRITYISM “Celebrityism : to make news out of a celebrity’s everyday activities.” —UrbanDictionary.com Justin Bieber cuts his hair, Kim Kardashian gained weight and it becomes headline news. Celebrityism reduces a person down to a physical characteristic. According to the public, Kim Kardashian IS her butt, Justin Bieber IS his hair... am I my “Brown Skin?” It’s harmful all the way around. It’s harmful for both the celebrity and the person participating in celebrityism. It’s harmful because celebrityism reduces the humanity of 7

both people. When our humanity is in question, it is so much easier to be physically or verbally violent against one another. We MUST at the very least, see one another as whole human beings, and best, LOVE one another, otherwise, what ground do we have to stand on as a human race? I wonder sometimes if people realize that celebrities actually SEE the mean things people tweet to and about them. I saw the ones ridiculing me, thousands of them, and I was hurt. I was hurt by the way I was attacked. I was ALSO hurt that people actually thought I didn’t love myself, and that the black community thought that I didn’t love and respect THEM.

THE WALK AND THE TALK My music, my politics, my prayer, and my passion are one. Over the last fifteen years, I’ve released five albums of songs, all born from prayer. All of my songs are social commentary, inspired by love and issues of humanity, and ALWAYS with the same intention, and mission. My prayer is: “May these songs touch whomever is meant to be touched, the way they are meant to be touched.” My mission is: To spread love, healing, peace, and joy through the power of words and music.   I base EVERYTHING I do in my career on these two statements. Every word in every song, everything I wear, who I do or don’t work with, and that of course includes my photographs. Yet, there are times when, at the mercy of other influences, the quality control is simply not possible (I will address this in detail in part 2). When the Cocoa Butter image came out, I was no longer seen for my consistent walk and message of love and social responsibility. When that image was released, I was reduced to the appearance of my skin. In an instant, the public lost its trust in who they knew me to be. I was stunned.

TWITTER TROLLS The criticism of the Cocoa Butter cover started with one person, and turned into my being bullied by thousands of twitter and facebook followers. The abuse came mostly from what we call “black twitter” but eventually, it was coming from every direction. The main critic, the one who started it all, never attempted to contact me directly. Instead he made the choice to accuse me of his narrative, the story he made up, all over social networks, and DEMANDED that I answer him. This, of course, made it impossible for us to actually have a conversation. This type of social media bullying is a sad sign of the times we live in, where everyone feels free to publicly accuse someone, whether their opinion is based on fact or not. On top of that many people don’t even attempt to hide their bad behavior; cursing, threatening and being generally disrespectful. And then there is the “mob mentality”, when people start to think, “if everybody else is doing it, it must be ok”. Even though it started with one persons opinion, the sentiment and the insults, and all of it being accepted as TRUE, spread quickly. To make matters worse, the mainstream media picked up on the story, and they blew it up even bigger. This distorted story, this accusation that I had bleached my skin, showed up in media outlets that generally hadn’t paid much attention to me in the past. The irony. When you’re in the public eye, the more social media followers you have, the bigger the avalanche of disapproval. It actually is character assassination. This kind of defamation is only widely accepted when leveled towards a celebrity. It’s seen as “entertainment”.

MISOGYNY “Misogyny is the hatred or dislike of women or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in numerous ways, including sexual discrimination, denigration of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women.” -Wikipedia Follow me here... ONE image is released, ONE person judges that I am not the “right” color in that image, and the social media avalanche begins. Because I am a woman, I 9

went from 15 years of being called Queen, Sister, SOUL Sister, Poet, Princess, Empress to Bitch, Ho, Whore, Lying Ass ho, “This bitch is dirtier than a donkeys ass.”, “ This bitch knows she lying.” all in a matter of hours. During the days of SkinGate2013, 90% of the comments about me on social media were bathed in misogyny. NEVER before had I been confronted with such blatant disrespect, and I honestly I didn’t know how to respond. This is where it gets nuanced; I was being judged from so many different angles, I didn’t know which to address first. Should I address the skin bleaching allegations? Colorism? Misogyny? Celebrity culture? The black community? The twitter trolls? This is the challenge of being a black woman in the public eye, it creates a responsibility to so many different communities..

MY TWEETS When I was first accused of bleaching my skin, I didn’t really respond publicly. Despite being asked to do interviews everywhere, from Good Morning America, to Huff Post Live, to TMZ and everywhere in between, I only responded with a series of simple tweets. They read:

While I promised to eventually have a deeper SongVersation/ SkinVersation, my choice to wait to engage, was because I didn’t want to participate in the conversation that was being had ABOUT me online. I realized that I was being bullied and disrespected and I didn’t want to be a part of it. My body of work had been a consistent message of love and respect; for myself, my culture and for humanity as a whole, but obviously that wasn’t enough.

Tweeting simple truths certainly wasn’t enough.   Almost a year went by, and in that year I toured 34 cities, did MULTIPLE television and radio interviews, even sat with Oprah and STILL some were questioning if I had bleached my skin. So, in January 2014, I sat down to write an open letter that I was going to post online, but there was too much to say. There was so much, that it went from a simple open letter, to a 4-part letter. While writing I realized that everything I wanted to say in the letter, I’ve already said in all of my song lyrics. So,I added song lyrics and a few images, and even wrote a few songs, and all of that became a SongVersation. SongVersation: I Am Light. I am writing this SongVersation because I’m concerned about the state of our society. I’m concerned about how we are relating to one another, particularly the cruelty we display behind the anonymity of social media. We are so disconnected from each other, and from the best parts of ourselves, that it has become the norm to say and do the most awful things. I am writing this SongVersation to unburden myself. I am writing this SongVersation to restore the humanity to this conversation. I am writing this SongVersation to to bring you into my world, to share the challenge of being a black woman in the public eye, and what the experience of SkinGate2013 was REALLY like for me. I am writing this SongVersation to finally address the character assassination and verbal abuse of SkinGate2013. I am writing this SongVersation to share why and how that infamous photograph came to be. I am writing this SongVersation because there is a healing that must take place. We are so much better than we are behaving. I am writing this SongVersation because, well, I want to have a SongVersation with you. Because I want to talk with you about these issues. Because I want us to learn things from one another while respecting each other as whole people, in our full humanity; body, mind and spirit.

I am writing this SongVersation in the name of my mission: To Spread Love, Healing, Peace and Joy, through the power of words and music. I am writing this SongVersation because the healing of which I speak, must begin with me. “I am not the things my family did, I am not the voices in my head, I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside, I Am Light“ - I Am Light , from the album SongVersation

BEING INDIA ARIE on BEING MARY JANE A year and a half after SkinGate 2013, I was invited to appear as myself on BET’s 1 hour weekly dramatic series, “Being Mary Jane”, to talk about black women’s beauty. By that point, I had started speaking publicly about the issues we would talk about on the show but always with the support of my music, always in a SongVersation. On the show, I was just in conversation. I was out of my element, but still in my world. Not having the upper hand of being the “one” with the mic, I was searching for every way I could think to express my opinion; that there is a spiritual lens through which to look at these issues. What you see on the final, edited version of the show is a very small piece of a 2 hour conversation that we had. A lot happened while the cameras were not rolling, we were having REAL conversation, and my reaction to that experience led to THIS SongVersation. I was on a panel, with two very well known academics on the subject of black women; Michaela Angela Davis and Mark Anthony Neil. So yes, I realize that the basis of this panel was political and academic, but they invited ME, and I had to be ME, in this new space. While they wanted to debate the politics of it all, I wanted to inject the SPIRITUAL ASPECT. I expressed my views from a spiritual perspective, and one of the panelist answered with, “Yeah, ok, I get it, I keep giving my power away to things lesser than me, I get it, but HOW do I stop it? HOW!?!” I began to answer, but they talked OVER me, continuing to focus on how the outside world needed to change. I knew I had to fight for my perspective to be heard, and so speaking even louder, I said, “YOUR HEALING IS YOUR JOB! Your WELLNESS IS YOUR JOB! and just like ANYTHING else, it is something you learn by DOING THE WORK.” 13

“You want to change your body”, I continued, “you work out! You want to memorize something, you read it over and over again! When it comes to your healing, it is NO DIFFERENT! If you do NOTHING about it, nothing will change. Do SOMETHING! Your healing is in YOUR HANDS!”. It never dawned on me that having that conversation would be such a struggle. I never imagined that I would be the only voice saying that the spiritual side of this conversation matters too! I never considered that I would have to have words to convince anyone of the value of a spiritual balance to political work. I was not prepared, with the words, to help people see their responsibility to heal themselves in the face or racism, misogyny or anything else. The words I couldn’t find that day all here in this SongVersation. “Am I my brothers keeper? Yes I Am” -from the song “Brother’s Keeper”, SongVersation

HEALING After a year of private pondering and public silence about SkinGate2013, being on this panel triggered everything I’d been sitting with. I left that conversation FIRED UP!!! I left needing to find the words to express myself, not just in song, I HAVE THAT, but in the spoken word. I left that conversation wanting to find the best way to be; artistic in a world of academics, spiritual in a world of science, and to use my intellect AND my intuition. I left that conversation, ready to take on the task of finding the words to express my FULL thoughts on SkinGate2013. I needed to find the words to talk about what I had come to strongly believe , that the MOST important part of SkinGate2013 is not colorism or misogyny: it’s healing.

WHY I AM LIGHT? Of course, in a conversation about colorism and beauty ideals, the double entendre of using the phrase, “I Am Light” is not lost on me. THAT is the magic of words (smile).

“I Am Light”, is the song at the heart of my album SongVersation. “I Am Light” refers to the light of the Soul. That 3 minutes and 50 seconds is the culmination of a lifetime of growth, healing and gratitude; living, loving and learning; prayer, pain, and seeking; hurting, searching and healing. I’ve been to some dark emotional places. I had to go from being literally on my knees in sheer and utter pain, to standing on a mountaintop with my arms stretched wide in euphoria , to be the author of the words in this song. “I Am Light” is, to this day, the ONE and ONLY song of my creation, that I listen to. Every word in this song is intentional. “I Am Light” is what I KNOW to be true about ALL OF US. “I Am Light” is a song about the TRUE NATURE of every human being; that we are not our pain or our mistakes or our bodies or our experiences here on earth. We are our SOULS, having a human experience. Yes, at times a difficult concept to embody, but an empowering truth to carry through life, when we can remember. What I KNOW, is that there is nothing wrong with us, that life is a lesson. Even in the midst of a dark night of the soul, there is NOTHING we can’t learn and heal from and even rise above, if we do the work. Like Oprah says, we can turn our pain into power. We are, each of us, here on the planet to do just that. At the core of this SongVersation is healing, self definition, empowerment, illumination, elevation and liberation of consciousness and enLIGHTenment. I hope you keep reading. I Am Light because this is a SongVersation about healing, knowing that we are both the breath in our bodies and the light of our souls.  I Am Light is about shining a light on the dark places in ourselves and dealing with it.  I Am Light is about traveling through LIFE with a lighter load. To unburden ourselves, that we can rise above. To be filled with the light of love.  To be filled with the light of God.  To WALK in the light. To BE the LIGHT!  And so yes, Welcome to SongVersation: I Am Light. That is the magic of words (smile).  Let’s deal with it.  Let’s heal with it.  Let’s, liberate, elevate and fly.

WELCOME TO SongVersation: I AM LIGHT I’ve come a long way to bring this SongVersation to you. I’ve written thousands of journal entries, and thousands of pages of essays, that I’ve never shared with anyone. Christmas Day of 2012 my mother told me, “It’s time to share something”, and so here I am, presenting this collection of essays, to you. This Spring, every two weeks, I will send you a new essay and YES! along the way there will a new song or two so make sure I have your email address, because it will come directly to your inbox. We will have a virtual community where you will have opportunities to talk to me, and to talk to each other. We will debate and exchange ideas through letters, videos, on social media, and finally, in person, at The Essence Festival, this July in New Orleans. I’m excited for everything that we will learn from one another. I have invited a few brilliant young women, from this year’s Women’s Studies class at Spelman College, to help facilitate the process. We are all going to have an amazing, rich, difficult, fun, intense, wonderful time. And most of all I pray for a healing time. This SongVersation has 4 parts that you will receive in order: Part 1: Why I’m Am Answering today Part 2 : The Back Story: The Nuanced & Very Particular Challenge Of Being A Black Woman in the Public Eye Part 3: Healing: What I Think Will Cure The Pain Part 4: The SoulBird Manifesto: My Philosophy On Life & Answers To Questions Soulbird’s Ask Most Often.

FINALLY I ask that we have this SongVersation in 3 ways! Have it with your MIND: Actually do the reading. In order to fully participate you should read the Essays and listen to the songs. . After I send each section, you will have a week to read before we get into the SongVersation. so read, listen, and be ready!

Have it with your VOICE: Speak your truth and listen to others. Remember, a SongVersation is part song, part conversation - and conversations are two way communications, so speak up and listen up. This isn’t a SongVersation without YOU! Have it with your HEART: This is sacred space. So let’s protect it. No trolling. Criticism and disagreement are welcome, but negativity for the sake of it, is not welcome here. Remember that above all else, we are here to love ourselves and love each other, and we don’t have to always agree, but we do have to ALWAYS, and in ALL WAYS, be respectful So, I think that’s it!! We are ready to Elevate! Welcome to ALL #SoulBirdsWorldWide and new acquaintances alike! Invite your friends to this SongVersation! Let’s deal with it and lets heal with it, together. I’m looking forward to hearing from YOU. It is so amazing all the places life takes you! From my Window Sill, March 31st, 2015  Love, Strength, Courage and Wisdom

PART ONE: Why I Am Answering Today

January 2014 “May these words reach who they are meant, the way they are intended to be reached. May these words bring love, healing peace and Joy, and most of all, May Gods perfect will be done.” I am not the color of my eyes  I am not the skin on the outside I am not my age  I am not my race  My soul inside is all Light  I AM LIGHT - “I Am Light” from the album SongVersation I’ve thought about this A LOT over the past several months, and this morning I woke up READY to speak. First, let’s get this out of the way... I did NOT bleach my skin. When this story hit, I would not deign that accusation with a response. As one of my friends pointed out, I was dismissive about the entire conversation and I agree with him. I was dismissive because I was confused and offended by both the accusation AND the narrative. There is nothing in my being that wants to bleach my skin or wants to be lighter. NOW! With that said, I promised a deeper conversation that I wasn’t READY for until now. I understand now why the image (on the cover for my lead single Cocoa Butter from my album SongVersation) was shocking to a lot of people. What I did not understand was the accusation that I was lying. That offended me for obvious reasons. WOULD I ACTUALLY THINK THAT I COULD BLEACH MY SKIN, AND THEN LIE ABOUT IT? People would eventually SEE me in person. How could I lie? WHY would I lie? What bothered me MORE, was the narrative that I bleached my skin in order to be closer to society’s beauty ideals; so I could gain greater access in the music industry. That had NOTHING to do with ME. As the conversation was happening, I could not understand how so many reasonable people could skip over so many other possibilities. For example: Maybe it was lighting? Maybe it was bad retouching? Maybe it was allegory for cocoa butter? The more clear minded critics seemed to think it was the latter - good marketing, a way to have a “SongVersation, SkinVersation”. 19

To be clear, the intention of that image was NONE of the things listed above. The resulting picture was a product of a lot of things other than trying to look “light”. The story of this photo is complex and I will address the many, many! layers in this SongVersation. I’ve addressed this in interviews a couple of times already, but I need to address the backstory so I can get to the real point of this SongVersation which is how we can heal. Yes, I’ll admit that after all of the work I’d done over the years to; uplift the Black community, women and humanity as whole; to be in integrity in the music industry; and do ethical business, I felt I had EARNED the benefit of the doubt, of not being seen as a liar. I was basically unaware of the trend of celebrity skin lightening controversies. I saw it here or there, but it wasn’t a part of my consciousness. So when it happened to me, I didn’t SEE that I was being lumped into an on-going conversation. Once I realized it, I was dismissive because, again, I felt my reputation not deserved, but earned, the benefit of the doubt. Today I see this conversation as an opportunity for HEALING. Many argue this comes along with being a celebrity. It’s hard for me to even call myself FAMOUS or CELEBRITY because it carries a connotation that I neither adhere to nor respect. I far prefer “Public Person” and that, for me, is at the core of this conversation. “Celebrityism” allows a HUMAN BEING TO BE STRIPPED OF THEIR HUMANITY, distilled down to a set of characteristics, and treated like those “things”. It has taken this long for me to speak out because this is where it gets challenging, the NUANCES of being in my particular shoes are difficult to explain to a mass of people with such varied experiences. What is means to be a Black WOMAN, in the public eye, in AMERICA, is this social media age, these shoes make me especially qualified for THIS conversation. It becomes more complex, and nuanced because I am a public person who is; Black and female while making “Black Music” with a spiritual message, in an industry that is INHERENTLY racist, sexist and profane. On top of this, I miss the check marks for beauty ideals in this society. I have nappy hair, I have African ethnic features, I’m both muscular AND curvaceous, I’m both cerebral and sensual, I have a slight androgyny with my deep voice and a masculine-feminine balance at the very core of my presence. I’ve been ridiculed for this all of my life.

When I came into the public eye, of course this was all magnified and intensified. It’s CRAZY to hear people say what they REALLY think of you. The flip side of this challenge has been being able to bring my experience to my songs, singing to Black America and telling some of Black Americas stories to the world. Through music I’ve also been blessed to fellowship with people all around the world who GET what and who I am and enjoy my music because in it, they see some aspect of themselves. I’ve met many men who love the type of woman I am. I’ve been able to commune with, MY TRIBE the world over. It is a very healing and beautiful thing; one of the great pleasures of my life. My very consciousness has been elevated by what I once saw as painful. I wonder now if this is how one’s consciousness is elevated. My life’s journey thus far, has grown me into a woman who LOVES EVERYTHING about myself. Even the things that cause me pain. From public scrutiny to menstrual cramps, failed relationships, and serious family dissent. I still, on my hardest days (and there have been some DOOZIES) LOVE ME and would not want to be ANY. ONE. BUT. ME! I am not the things my family did  I am not the voices in my head  I am not the pieces of the broken-ness inside I AM LIGHT - “I Am Light” from the Album SongVersation I’m saying this, not to reiterate that I did not bleach my skin, but more so to begin to explain the NUANCED conversation at hand as it pertains to ME personally as a Black Woman in this society. Sometime in May 2013 I released the cover photo for Cocoa Butter. In a span of 30 minutes I went from being addressed as QUEEN (especially in the black community) to being called a whore, a LIAR, dirty, donkey ass, self loathing, bitch, HO (these words were LITERALLY written out to me)... in fact MOST of the comments were misogynistic. I didn’t RT (ReTweet) them, and I considered printing some of them here, but decided against it. People used their internet anonymity as a cover to actually SAY THESE THINGS TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. I was stunned, hurt, MAD! and then just disappointed; in that order. This not only lacks compassion, but courage, AND it’s narrow minded. It says more about the accuser than it says about the accused, this type of interactions ONLY exists in this twitter age. Let me just get this off of my chest now...

The people you see on TV and hear on the radio ARE HUMAN BEINGS. Yes, it sounds crazy to have to say, but somehow, it NEEDS to be said. On the most basic level anyone saying such awful things might look at themselves and question if this is the kind of person THEY want to be. Someone does something you disagree with and calling them profane names is the best you can come up with? Out of ALL the actions in the world at your disposal? Or because a child has CELEBRITY parents, it’s cool to say unkind things about a child, IN PUBLIC? Pull it together. I fought the urge to clap back because it’s not the kind of person I want to be. To whom much is given much is required (my mother says this to me often). I have worked hard and sacrificed a lot (whole ‘nuther SongVersation), to be responsible with my platform and this situation was no different. Which of course begs the question: if I am responsible then why did I allow the release of that photo? THIS, question was the ONLY one in the ENTIRE conversation about the Cocoa Butter photo that I felt was worth answering. Again. This is complex, so before I answer the question, let me address why we are having this SongVersation TODAY. Nuance: I’d spent four years on hiatus from public life (MUCH LONGER CONVERSATION), but as the daughter of an ex-professional athlete I understand what athletes know...they will NEVER play without pain, and you can’t let the pain keep you out of the game. I went through an intense emotional journey, difficult health issues AND along with all of THAT, I spent three of those four years (and much of my savings) on a music project that fell apart at the 11th hour. I’m not the mistakes that i have made  Or any of the things that cause me pain  I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind  I AM LIGHT - “I Am Light” from the album SongVersation Even with that, I was ready to get back into the game. So, I scraped myself off the floor and set myself on the mission of creating a new album in six months and I surprised myself when I did it in seven. My other albums took 2 years, 2 years, 3 years, and 3 years, respectively to record. This one, took 7 months, AND a large part of it was recorded in Istanbul, Turkey. I was in rare form, inspired by an inner fire I’d worked for YEARS to reignite.

NUANCE

This is significant because the way I approach music is akin to hand made art. I conceive, write, produce and perform everything “by hand.” With this in mind here is yet another layer; putting out a new album gets more and more intense with each passing day. After the deep emotional work of CREATING THE SONGS there are several necessary levels to delivering a final product worthy of YOU. In addition, I was fighting my label for support all along the way. I did NOT have the SPACE or WORDS or ENERGY or TOOLS to respond to the skin lightening accusations. I’ll expound on all of this. I went from closing out the unreleased album to completing SongVersation to going straight on the road. This includes radio, television and then three months on the SongVersation Tour. Nuance: The road. is. hard! Very hard. Especially for a woman. It’s hard, it just IS. I can tell you some stories. So, when this controversy surfaced, I did what I generally do in a crisis; I went into prayer and meditation. I consider prayer talking and meditation listening, what I heard was, “don’t DEFEND myself because then I’m in a fight.” My prayer became, “May my presence be the truth.” And with that, I jumped with both feet, back into the world that had caused me so much pain. Child its time to break the shell  Life’s gonna hurt but its meant to be felt you cannot touch the sky  from inside yourself  you cannot fly  until you break the shell - Break the Shell from the album SongVersation I hadn’t been seen in so long, four years is forever in the music industry. When I was seen again, I was treated with nothing but love and respect. Of course I was asked about this photo in every interview and I answered the best I could. In a public way, it all died down. I felt honored that my prayer was answered and my reputation did the talking. However, the topic still comes up in conversations; not directly with, but ABOUT me. Just yesterday a friend told me there was was still speculation and THAT is why I’m writing this SongVersation; to educate those who don’t understand and clarify for those reasonable people who still question. Most of all I’m writing to speak my truth.

Fast forward to June 25, 2013, the SongVersation Album is released! This massive undertaking begins to churn forward with me at the helm. I was still in a fragile state, fresh from my cocoon, wings still wet. In the spaces between the activity, this question would haunt me. WHY DID I ALLOW THE RELEASE OF THAT PHOTO? Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d sit down to gather my thoughts, but over the months not only did I not have the time, it also never felt like the RIGHT time. Until Today. The SongVersation Tour went from Seattle to Boston, from September until the end of November. I thought December would offer rest, but it ended up being a very active personal life month (I set EVERYTHING aside for the tour). Then the glorious day, January 2, 2014, I touched down, slept for 12 hours, and spent the week nurturing myself; recuperating really. Then ... TODAY I woke up, READY.â&#x20AC;¨ Ready to talk about how THIS picture came to be.

It’s a much different story than you think. I’m going really dig in and explain in ALL Before I get ALL the way into this, I want to say thank you ... Thank you because, I am HONORED by the ownership the Black community feels of me and for all the love they have shown me, even when it is hard, thus THIS SongVersation. I’ve been asked many times if I ever feel hindered by people’s expectations. In general NO, sometimes it’s a heavy weight, but I wouldn’t call it a hinderance, more of a responsibility. Because of that responsibility, I write this SongVersation. My work all of these years has been for the HEALING of our community, and the healing of HUMANITY as a whole. These skin bleaching accusations are significant because they are absolutely COUNTER to who I AM but on the flipside, significant for being an invitation to not be “perfect” but to be “real”. I reject the notion that I owe an apology. This is not an apology. This is an examination (of myself, for myself), an explanation for anyone who REALLY wants to know, and an education for those (outside of the black community) who wonder. What I do owe, is to be honest and clear, out of RESPECT for myself and for those who trust me and felt betrayed. You can’t hurt a person unless they love you. Returning that love, is what this SongVersation is all about. I pray (literally I prayed before i sat down to write this) for this to be a healing for myself and for all who read these words, for the world at large. My prayer and intention is that this will raise the collective consciousness, and bring healing to this cultural pain of colorism. On a personal level I write this SongVersation because I choose to be self defined; because I am worthy of my voice; because I am committed to not just speaking but BEING my truth. And MOST OF ALL, I’m writing this because I’ve learned the hard way, that NOT being my truth carries a price that I can’t afford to pay. Why did I allow the Cocoa Butter photo to be released that way? Meet me back here in 2 weeks for PT 2: NUANCE - THE BACK STORY Keep following, There is a lot more to say.... I am divinity defined  I am the God on the inside  I am a star  A piece of it all  25

I AM LIGHTâ&#x20AC;¨ - I Am Light from the album SongVersation

Part 2: Nuance - The Back Story

I am not my hair  I am not this skin  I am not your expectations no, no,  I am not my hair  I am not this skin  I am the Soul  that lives within - I Am Not My Hair from the album Testimony Vol. 1 Life & Relationships

Why did I allow the Cocoa Butter photo to go out that way? I titled part 2 of this SongVersation Nuance because this IS the issue at hand: celebrity culture, and social media culture do not allow for subtlety, humanity or nuance. Celebrities are generally stripped of their humanity. I DO know it’s par for the course but I can’t, I wont, accept that in this conversation now. The character assassination of “SkinGate 2013” was too damaging. Because of the importance this conversation to my integrity and to the community I love so much, it is vital for me to be ACCEPTED in it as a full human being. When we see ANYone as less “human” it give us reason to TREAT them as less. We are seeing it all over the United States right now with black men being treated like animals by law enforcement. ARE WE NOT ALL mind, body, spirit and emotion? We all have different lives, but we are sharing this human experience and there are certain aspects of life that are just the human condition. From the most famous, to the most anonymous, were created from the same grains - “Interlude: Grains” from Testimony: Vol. 2, Love & Politics What I’m saying is, reducing me to JUST THE SKIN I AM IN creates conversations like this skin bleaching accusation,when in REALITY, there are several nuanced layers to this

story. These nuances, need more than a tweet to be explained thus THIS SongVersation. I want to start here! There are very specific challenges of being the public persona that is India.Arie: • Image vs. the real me • Growing (up) in the public eye • Being a Black person and Black WOMAN in the public eye. All of this COMBINED WITH the multidimensional nature of being human Physical  Spiritual  Mental   Emotional So this is not the journey of “India.Arie” but the Journey of India Arie Simpson, the FULL me. In this SongVersation I want to get really human, and really real because it’s what’s TRUE.

IMAGE vs THE REAL ME

There is a public persona/image/brand, that is India Arie, and then there’s the REAL me. These two sides of me are so closely connected, that many people feel they know me, which is not completely true or UNtrue. The real me and the artist me are so closely aligned my audience does know me, at least as much as someone can a public person. I’m not saying this is the best way to be, there is definitely something protective about having an alter ego that walks out onto stage. I give a lot of my REAL self to my craft and it hurts me sometimes. BUT, even with the confessional, personal, emotional quality of my music, there are always those things you can never know about a person you’ve never really met.

GROWING UP IN THE PUBLIC EYE

The next layer to this is, being a public person. In the music industry, we sell brands, images and product, and the consumer is MEANT to interact with an artist, not as a person but as an IMAGE, or a PRODUCT. This results in a celebrity being stuck in time in the public’s mind. For example my first album Acoustic Soul was released in 2001,

Voyage to India, 2002, Testimony Vol. 1 2006, Testimony Vol. 2 was released in 2009 and SongVersation, 2013. My record label wanted me to keep making Acoustic Soul over and over again, which would never have worked because, I ceased to be that person the moment that album was released, because life changes us all. We ALL have changed over the years. Imagine if people kept holding you to who you were 15 years ago! This matters to the story of this image we are discussing, because, the time between 2009 and 2013 were the most transformative years of my adult life. As whole beings, when one part of our being changes the other parts change TOO. We are again, all interconnected, mind, body, soul and emotions. I say this to say, there is more to the Cocoa Butter image than meets the eye.

BEING A BLACK WOMAN IN THE PUBLIC EYE

This is a HUGE psychological weight, because you are hit from so many angles. Every celebrity woman has to navigate a magnified version of the issues of sexism and misogyny like; objectification, unattainable beauty ideals, expectations of moral perfection (the madonna), or the exact opposite of moral perfection (the whore), and there is no in between. To BE something in between you have to fight HARD to make your own space. There are issues of sexual discrimination and denigration. All women in the music industry have to navigate these issues. NOW, add BLACK to female celebrity and you have issues of racism; being seen as less than my white counterparts, given smaller budgets for projects, artist like me are LITERALLY CALLED “black music” by record labels. Black people in American society generally have to work harder to get less or equal to our white counterparts, and this is par for the course for the average black artist in the music industry as well. THIS is where it starts to get Nuanced: THERE IS YET ANOTHER LAYER. I am a BLACK female celebrity , who is CARRYING the message of black women in my music and criticizes the the very mercenary culture we live in, and speaks up for love and spirituality, diversity, God, empowerment of women, respect for girls and hope for love. I was SO naive when I released my first album, and it’s been a serious struggle all of these years. It’s A LOT of weight, a lot of pressure, and there has been a lot of disappointment. While it’s been the journey of a lifetime, exciting, transformative, powerful, special, rare, full of love and respect and appreciation, it’s dark side has been a great physical and emotional and spiritual burden. This business, it’s harsh. Stevie Wonder once said of me, “She is so lovely and this business is so NOT.” I worry every time I see a new young woman come into the

business, because, I GET IT. And I never wonder when I see artists leave the business because ...I get it. Nuance: ADD to ALL OF THAT, a layer of expectation from the general Black community, loving me all these years for what I represent, but quick to reprimand and even turn on me for not living up to their ideal of me. When “SkinGate 2013” happened, it moved me in a different way, because I’m USED to the music industry struggle, but I NEVER had to defend myself against the very people I sing for. No, I don’t think I deserved the benefit of the doubt, I felt I had EARNED the benefit of the doubt. And so I’m writing this SongVersation in the name of the REAL ME, India Arie Simpson, the multidimensional, physical, spiritual, mental, emotional, FULL ME. I want to clean this conversation up and unburden myself of this attack on my integrity AND truly connect with those who appreciate what I am about. Nuance: Once I signed with a major label at 22 years old, I quickly, like the VERY FIRST DAY, learned that there are as many opinions and intentions and life views as there are people, and I had the job of bringing them all into my world. This is CRITICAL to keeping the message I was about to share with the ENTIRE WORLD, on track. The talent scout who took me to meet the label put my songs onto a cassette (yes cassette tapes were in common use back then lol) in the order they wanted. It bothered me that someone else was choosing how to present me. I was always very particular about the order I presented my songs in, but this time the talent scout chose the order and I didn’t agree, but I wanted her to do whatever she had to do to get me a record deal, so it didn’t matter THAT much. Little did I know that this was the beginning of this ongoing compromise of my vision that I would make in order to keep the peace and be successful. The talent scout even asked me to dress different that day ... LOL! Thank God for my mother defining my style... THAT is one area where I did NOT continue to compromise after that day. This forced collaboration intensified as my career developed. So much of how I was presented was out of my hands. There were so many different people, and departments, and focus groups and polls... a machine really, whose JOB it was to present me. Bringing them into MY WORLD would become the hardest part of my work all of these years. GENERALLY speaking, I’d say this worked out for the best. Sometimes it was a struggle getting there, but in the end I’d be able to stand behind every song on every album. There was the periodic misstep and each time I didn’t get it right it hurt. These missteps hurt so much because it wasn’t just the issue of keeping my musical career on track. For 31

me, it was about keeping my LIFE’S MISSION, my MESSAGE on track, and so a remix I didn’t like, an album cover I didn’t choose, being asked to change the bass and drums on records, was scary. Sometimes the changes I would agree to were true for me, sometimes not. The machine was churning forward at such a powerful force, I couldn’t stop to recover. My heart got so tired that the weight of the machine caused THREE major break downs. The FIRST one I slept over the weekend and went back out on the road. The SECOND break down, I just walked away -- for a while, and then I released Testimony Vol. 2 about 3 years later.    The THIRD break down - was my breakthrough. It happened In the fall of 2009, after a year of too many missteps from which to recover, after a DECADE of too many heart breaks, I’d hit rock bottom. I looked up and was living someone else’s version of my life. That scared me more than anything ever had. More than ANYTHING! The fear of looking 10 years forward and having a life that was “off track” was something I KNEW I could NOT allow to happen and I could not BLAME ANYONE but me if I did let it happen. So I went on a journey to find MY life. I believe in open Door  I’ve take off the screen  What did not demolish me  Simply policed me  Now the clearer I can see  I will no longer be defined by  What someone else believes that I am Now that i have dropped the weight  I am light as a feather  It’s time to Elevate -“SoulBirdRise” from the album SongVersation I tell much more of this story on my June 2013 Super Soul Sunday interview with Oprah. I define giving your power away as “giving someone, or something else, the power to dictate how you feel about yourself.” I was giving MY power away to a world whose values I neither adhere to, nor respect. It was all out of fear... and it was out of alignment. In the end it made me sick. I was literally “go to the doctor, blood tests, am I facing my mortality?” sick.

I wanted a FULL life where I could feel FULLY, not a NUMB life. So I prayed, literally on my knees, prayed. I prayed for healing, to be free, to have a career I enjoy, and a base line feeling of well being, and for a while there I achieved that. I left the public eye in the fall of 2009 and returned in the spring of 2013. Those four years comprised an EPIC SOLO journey, a quest to really find MY life. During that time I even recorded an album that was never released. What came out of this quest with were these truths:  The spiritual challenge: The consequences of NOT living MY truth made me ill. The emotional challenge: I had to stop playing the victim! Time to take 100% responsibility for myself and face my challenges head on. The physical challenge: Detoxing from unhealthy habits and stress. Shedding weight and cleaning up my diet which led to a detox through my skin. The mental challenge: Correcting negative thinking and sarcasm that was taking a toll on the quality of my life. The skin break out/detox is the part of the healing process that matters MOST to this SongVersation I came RIGHT out of this hiatus into “SkinGate 2013.”

So, Finally, let’s talk about this photo, the Cocoa Butter single cover.

AS IT PERTAINS TO THIS PHOTO:

AGAIN, Physical, spiritual, mental and emotional - This Cocoa Butter photo and how it came to be, has to be looked at from each of these perspectives, in order to REALLY understand it. So, let jump into this...

THE MULTIDIMENSIONAL NATURE OF THIS IMAGE

Physically: In general, my health was steady but what I was dealing with in this photo was the HEALTH of my skin, NOT the COLOR of it. More about that to follow.    Spiritually: I’d grown so much in the four years since I had last been seen. I experienced more than a transformation, it was a TRANSMUTATION. It was healing in the true sense of the word. Healing is defined as being returned to a state of ONENESS. I left fragmented and confused, and came back WHOLE, not feeling splintered, not feeling fearful. I came back ready to be ALL of me; spiritual & sensual, cerebral & sexy, lion & butterfly, artist & business woman. I didn’t have to choose AND I didn’t have a choice. It was time to put everything I’d grown to be, into practice. I WAS STRONG! Mentally: I was prepared to defend showing so much skin! Explaining to my audience who was used to seeing me “all wrapped up” AND ready to defend myself against the OTHER side; non fans who insult anything that falls outside of conventional beauty ideals. I PROMISED I wouldn’t shy away from those conversation ANY more. I WAS READY! Emotionally: Where I’d been wounded before, I was STRONG, going from 2009 being completely broken to 2013 actually having a PHOTO SHOOT! I was ready to speak my truth, tour, sing, interview, write, talk, ALL of it. I assumed this picture would spark conversation, because it comes with GROWING UP in the public eye. I was equipped to walk in MY TRUTH. I was EMPOWERED.

The confluence of all of that created THIS picture.  I just didn’t think the color of my skin would be THE conversation.  For that, I WAS NOT PREPARED.  As I said before the ONLY question that mattered to ME in this conversation was, “Why did I let that image go out that way?”  NOW LETS DIG IN DEEPER.  34

I’m going to get a bit technical. Please stay with me, it will all make sense.  The Challenge of being a Black Woman in the public eye.  Lets talk about SHADE. For lots of different reasons, most people don’t know what I really look like, that includes what my body really looks like and what COLOR or what shade of brown I actually am. Here again is a nuance of being a black woman in the public eye. Nuance: 1. My ACTUAL skin tone. 2. Trying to match my skin tone with makeup, which is particularly difficult for women of color in a culture that is not geared towards women of color. 3. Missing the mark with makeup color (it just happens sometimes) with skin tones like mine. 4. What lighting combined with makeup does to the skin tone (this is why sometimes Black people look “grey” on television). 5. How certain Brown skin tones photograph and translate through the camera. Oprah is known for having the BEST cameras for Black skin. I LOVE being translated to television through her camera’s lens. 6. My image, brand and what people EXPECT.  This explanation begins with ME. Not my image, not my brand, but the REAL ME.

BROWN SKIN   YOU KNOW I LOVE YOUR BROWN SKIN. - “Brown Skin” from the album Acoustic Soul

Me with NO make up in 2012

For those of you reading this who are removed from Black culture, I am what in colloquial terms, we in the Black community call “BROWN skinned,” as opposed to “dark skinned”. For the sake of this conversation, I want to go to a book by Aliesh Pierce called “Treating Diverse Pigmentation”. Aleish was my first ever makeup artist in the industry, turned aesthetician and writer. Her book is a textbook, and it sounds really TECHY, but it’s also just relatable and easy to understand. The book explains something called the Fitzpatrick Skin Typing Scale. I learned so much about my skin from this section of the book.

Fitzpatrick Skin Typing Scale

I am a Fitzpatrick Type 5: characterized by,  brown to dark brown, tans easily, scars easily, rarely burns. Most people THINK I am a Fitzpatrick Type 6: dark brown, rarely tans, never burns (like we say, the miracle chemical melanin).

My friend Reggae star Gramps Morgan (left) is Dark skinned (Fitzpatrick Type 6). Next to each other I am more “Brown” or for the sake of this conversation Fitzpatrick Type 5.

If I’ve been sun worshipping, which I do twice a year at least and more if I get to go to a sunny location while touring, I TAN EASILY, to a DARK BROWN (Fitzpatrick Type 6) skin tone. I LOVE it when I look like this. It never lasts long enough. What I learned is, THIS is why my skin tone would change so much more than most of the friends I would visit the beach with. They would turn red or gold and I would turn dark brown and my skin would look very EVEN in color, because all of my blemishes are hidden by the activation of my melanin. I LOVE looking like this!

July 2013 just at the release of SongVersation. I flew in from Hawaii THIS very morning after swimming in the wild with dolphins for 2 hours. It was so AWESOME and I was SO DARK.

But of course depending on how a person WANTS to see me, any of these can then be “right.” Now, more to the point... Nuance: There have been many MANY times, when I want to participate in an awards show or something televised and my label won’t give me the financial support to attend, (again politics of the music industry) so I get makeup done at my hotel. Because I don’t have anyone there to touch me up before I go on stage, I use the make up artists available backstage. MANY times I’ve had professional makeup artists matte my face with powder that is TOO DARK because they don’t REALLY know what color I am, even while looking at me, or maybe seeing me in the dark at the side of the stage. Or maybe, they’ve seen me as a certain color in a photo and assume I’m that color on that day.

Feb 2007: If you notice my face is darker than my body and I have no high light under the eyes.

I didn’t leave the hotel this way, I was powdered dark. In fact, I saw Oprah’s makeup artist, Reggie, backstage and he said “you look a little dark.” Not only was I powdered dark, but the powder also oxidized with the oil in my skin and got darker over the course of the night.

In some of my FAVORITE images (especially black and white ones) I appear far darker, and MAYBE WAS darker. I LOVE the idea of that combination. But of course this doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t trigger the colorism issue. Because of my image brand and message, people EXPECT me to be this darker color.

Nuance: On top of ALL THAT the picture on the right is OBVIOUSLY lightened, because this is what people do for a sensational story. Sadly it often has to be at the expense of another personâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s reputation. This is called a media spin.

Now, check this out: All 3 of the pictures above were taken in the same week. 41

Again Feb 2012, same week, same hair, same bag ( Mom’s bag) , different skin tones.

So, are you confused? Are you clear? What? I am not my hair, i am not this skin I am not your expectations no, no. I am not my hair  I am not this skin I am the soul That lives within - “I Am Not My Hair” from the album Testimony Vol. 1 I reiterate my points: 1.

My ACTUAL skin tone.

2. Trying to match my skin tone with makeup, which is particularly difficult for women of color in a culture that is not geared towards women of color. 3. Missing the mark with makeup color (it just happens sometimes) with MY skin tone. 4. What lighting, combined with makeup does to skin tone.

5. How certain Black skin tones photograph and translate through camera.  6. My image, brand, and what people EXPECT. In this PARTICULAR instance, what the the lighting is doing, combined with the makeup, and combined with what shade I am at the time.

The confluence of it ALL that I naturally, actually, authentically am created both of these images

NUANCE: Neither one of these images look like me TODAY.  AGAIN: Physical, spiritual, mental and emotional - I am, we ALL ARE, multi dimensional human beings who are constantly changing! Let’s put to rest that ANY of these images capture the ONLY me. These are all SIDES of me and the Cocoa Butter image is no different. This is only PART of the answer to why I let that picture go out that way. Much more to say about that... Today right now as I type this, I am closer to the color of the Cocoa Butter photo (add a flash and it will be very light, see where I’m going with this?).

Me sitting here right now; everyday make up, over head light. Relaxed from sun exposure.

A few light pictures between 2000 and 2013

2012 Grammys

2011 BET honors

2000 Brown Skin photo

THESE IMAGES, Are not as far a stretch from the Cocoa Butter photo.

A few darker pictures - between 2002 and 2012

2003

2012

2006

IF YOU LOOK AT IT THIS WAY:

Then yes, this “lighter” 2013 picture of me is a VERY different representation of my “Image”. IF YOU LOOK AT IF FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF WHO I HAVE BEEN OVER THE YEARS - and when you take that FULL ME into ACCOUNT!! this cocoa butter image is just ANOTHER aspect of ME and why CAN’T it be? Saying I bleached my skin or that I was TRYING to look LIGHT is a misperception AND an OVERSIMPLIFICATION. What I did was, hit a nerve and triggered a cultural pain in the Black community. The fact that a nerve can be triggered by something that is an illusion, a digital distortion, THAT! is the crux of THIS conversation for me. THAT is what I really want to talk about...Our EMPOWERMENT! The fact that the mainstream media picked up on it, after all the love I’ve shown for the black community? WELL THAT has nothing to do with ME. I think this conversation is a sign of the times we live in. Black people, and people from so many walks of life, are fed up with not being accepted for who they are. And LISTEN! I GET IT. Trust me! LOL! I’m IN THE LIONS DEN with this conversation as it pertains to race and gender in the music industry. This is why I’ve written so many songs about self acceptance over the years. Because in a society that doesn’t value, or appreciate you, self acceptance must come first. When issues are coming up to be healed, it generally gets worse before it gets better, that is why I support this conversation. The possibility of healing is HERE, and how exciting!! I wrote THIS SongVersation TO MAKE IT CLEAR, WHAT SIDE I STAND ON. I STAND FOR LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE FOR ALL PEOPLE. period. The TRUTH is! That I was fighting a VEEERRY different battle than “SkinGate 2013” would suggest. Again, the challenge of bringing people into MY world... coming up next, SongVersation I Am Light Part 3: My REAL Struggle I can be gracious and tenacious Progressive and patient Everything  And everything in between A soldier and a mother  The flower and the power  Everything and everything in between I see my color and i hear my roar Because of you i am so much more.  I am a lion and a butterfly  46

You showed me that i can be it all She is a lion and butterfly  She showed me that i can be it all - “Lion and Butterfly” from my forthcoming album The Value of Life

Part 3: My Real Struggle

Tis Healthy to be sick sometimes.  - Henry David Thoreau

We left off SongVersation Part 2: Nuance, saying, that I was fighting a VEEERRY different battle than “SkinGate 2013” would suggest. Actually I was fighting a FEW different battles. Some of it very private and unique to me, and some of it, sadly common and predictable. The reason I’m writing ALL of this, instead of just sending a few tweets or letting “SkinGate2013” just be, is because I MUST speak my truth, having someone ELSE project their story on to me, doesn’t sit well with me. The price of being unexpressed is TOO high, I know THAT, from experience. Being in the public eye most of my adult life, I have learned this: You NEVER know what ANYbody is going through. And so this essay is entitled, SongVersation: Part 3 My REAL struggle, because there is much MORE to “SkinGate2013” than meets the eye. So, I want to start, where I left off at the end of SongVersation Part 2: Nuance,

THE CHALLENGE OF BRINGING YOU INTO MY WORLD

Physically: I’ve mentioned a few times here in this SongVersation, that I had a health issues that affected my skin and finally I’m going to talk about that here. THE BIG ISSUE I was having was with the HEALTH of my skin!! not the SHADE of my skin. I had been through a health crisis in early 2012 that resulted in my detoxing through the skin (mainly) on my face. As I mentioned earlier, my skin tone is Type 5 (on the Fitzpatrick skin type scale), brown to dark brown, tans easily, scars easily, rarely burns. In a matter of 6 weeks, I went from having perfectly, even toned skin to having Large areas of cystic acne, little acne bumps, AND A rash basically over my entire face. All of this eventually turned into scars ALL OVER MY FACE. I looked in the mirror one day and realized only the area under my eyes was clear. The foundation of this SongVersation is my humanity, and to speak as a physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional FULL being, - not a “celebrity” and I will continue in that vein here in Part 3 because this is where it starts to REALLY matter. I certainly didn’t enjoy going through this, but I honor that experience now, because I NOW, know that it was necessary. The shift in my body was SO DRASTIC, I didn’t think I was going to die, but it was the first time that I REALLY faced my mortality. SO, By the day of the photo shoot, I had come through this difficult time! It was a lot of work with diet and supplements, rest from the road, spiritual and emotional work. I’m STILL healing from that era, some days are better than others with my skin, but TODAY, I am on the other side of the acute phase of it. I realize now that my skin attracted so much attention, because I WAS paying so much attention to it. The day of the “Cocoa Butter” photoshoot: Physically: My skin was still in the healing process, but not yet HEALED. The photographer requested heavier makeup than normal, as a complement to the special “Ring Light” she created. This light is used to “blow out” skin imperfections. I really just wanted to look pretty and luminous, and truthfully, that IS what I saw, and STILL see when I look at this picture... a version of ME. Emotionally: It did hurt a bit to be photographed with my skin in that state, but honestly, I was so filled with JOY, to just be doing a photo shoot at all. For that day, I was just focused on the joy.    Mentally: I was prepared to step BACK into the music industry world. I’d come SUCH. 50

A LONG WAY. The first outfit of the day was a dress created by my Mother, we named it (we name all of her creations) “The Prince Dress”, as in the artist Prince; gold, purple and lace. This dress was short for me! VERY SHORT, but I really DO love my body, and my legs have always been my favorite physical attribute. MY Mom has ALWAYS said “you have some of the best legs in the biz, you need to SHOW them”. So this time, I did. I‘d been through so much, I just wanted to LIVE. Mentally, when I stepped onto the set, I felt GOOD. Spiritually: When I left in 2009, I prayed for 3 things; a career that I enjoy, a baseline feeling of well being, and to be FREE. After a 19 hour photo shoot, this being my first big project back in 4 years, we were all surprised by how different, organized, and FUN it was. The entire SoulBird creative team felt that day was a model for how work SHOULD happen. A few days later we received the ENTIRE photo shoot. We LOVED ALL OF IT! Our task was to choose ONE image for the first single “Cocoa Butter” and send the chosen image out for retouching. I was on a high for weeks, that I was actually enjoying my career. That’s why it was a shock for all of us when... ...we got the photoshopped image back. WE. WERE. SHOCKED!!! It was clear that the retoucher and I had different visions of me “looking the BEST I ever had”. The issue was not the color of my skin but the photoshopping of my BODY! We were STUNNED!

LITERALLY, I had no knees. It was RIDICULOUS.

Emotionally: As I mentioned, I was strong and READY for the world in general. I was prepared to defend showing that much of my body and having that “KIND” of body. I just didn’t think I’d have to fight THIS battle, at THIS level, THIS EARLY in the process; before the picture was even released to the public. Again, the challenge of bringing people into MY world: We went back and forth so many times with the retoucher, that we finally requested the completely un-retouched image. I gave the picture to someone I trusted, someone who understands me and actually thinks I’m beautiful, my friend Anna Valencia Bruch - who had done all of my previous album covers. THAT’s is what WE were dealing with...

Completely un-retouched legs.

We went back and forth for many days while under VERY tight deadlines. I was STILL writing, AND recording, AND doing interviews, AND traveling for performances. we finally completed the re-touching of the image, JUST in time to ship the song to iTunes and radio. Words cannot even explain the STRESS of this time. We were GRINDING! As I mentioned in Part 1 those MISSTEPS that can hurt so much. All of this took me back to the experience of shooting the cover for my third album Testimony Vol. 1: Life & Relationship. I was told, “You can do whatever you want, but this (the photo on the left) looks too “muscular.” I was basically coerced. It was implied that I

would sell more albums with the OTHER cover. It was implied that the label would support me MORE if I chose the OTHER cover. I went along with it; in other words I was afraid. So I complied. It obviously bothers me to this day.

The cover I wanted. This ended up being the cover in the UK.

The cover in the rest of the world. We also argued over the smile, the hair, and the tilt of my head.

Given my past experiences, my past missteps, I was invested in this Cocoa Butter image, and wanted to get it right.

The night before “Cocoa Butter” was released, I laid

across my bed with my eyes open feeling SOMEthing I couldn’t put my finger on. I’ll never forget that night. I was excited but worried; I guess in hindsight it was anxiety. This is significant because when I lay down (and sometimes sitting up, in cars, planes, etc.) I go TO. SLEEP. I was hours away from diving back into the very waters that almost drowned me. My promise to myself was that I would come back to the industry and TRY this life again and SEE how it goes, and if it’s wasn’t working I would walk away for good. I was just hours away from what would either be the beginning of Act 2, or the beginning of The End.

The day the Cocoa Butter single was released, within

MINUTES my social networks were FLOODED. It was exciting, AND uncomfortable, that same feeling I felt lying across the bed the night before. Initially the discomfort was from the sexual energy in the comments. For a lot of reasons I’ve been uncomfortable 53

with that “kind” of attention. So, I sent the image to a few of my male friends asking, “Is it really THAT sexy?”. The answer was always “Yes”! Again, I was prepared to DEFEND showing my body, so I never expected this “SEXY” reaction. As the days went by, and I was forced to confront myself, I realized that all of the work I’d done in the four years leading up to this day, mattered. Those old feelings of wanting to hide were a habit, it wasn’t anything I actually FELT anymore. I loved the image. I loved what it said about me. I LOVED, that I was actually REACHING my intention of looking like the WOMAN I had become. So, I REALLY wasn’t prepared when... about four days in the skin bleaching allegations BLEW UP! The main antagonizer tweeted something about how he was concerned because of “what I mean to his daughter”. I want to thank that person today for giving me the impetus to speak my mind on so many of these issues. @Rhymefest, I hope your daughter reads this.

THE CHALLENGE OF BRINGING YOU INTO MY WORLD This is where it gets REALLY interesting. Let’s get into it! Fast forward about a month after the release of Cocoa Butter: I’m sitting around a table with my SoulBird creative team and I see out of the corner of my eye the Cocoa Butter image on someone’s laptop. My first thought was, “I’m my MOTHER’S color”. She is lighter skinned, (around a Type 4 on the Fitzpatrick Skin Scale) I said out loud, “HOLD ON A SECOND, LET ME SEE THAT!!!” Then slow and stunned like I say, “NOW I... SEE WHAT.... SOME PEOPLE.... MUST HAVE.....SEEN.” We went around the table looking at the picture on phones, laptops, and iPads, only to find I was a slightly different color / feel on all of them. The ONLY image that looked like what I HAD ENVISIONED was the one on MY laptop screen. The most difficult debates are the ones where everybody is right. Maaaaaaaan, how do you talk about THAT?!? I mean REALLY. I also realize now in hindsight, I WAS lightened, with the make up and the flash, and I was being seen thru the photographer’s eyes. Given the way they photoshopped my body, I see now that we had MUCH different ideas of what it means to make a beautiful picture of ME. I didn’t even notice the color, I wasn’t looking for that. I NEVER look for that.

I realize NOW, that my skin became the focus of this image because, it was MY focus, not the COLOR of my skin, but the HEALTH of my skin. I realize NOW, that there was NO WAY that I could control how that image looked on every device, or to every EYE. There was NO WAY I could control how this image would read to every person’s PSYCHE anymore than I could control what people thought I should look like.

I still don’t see my color in this picture as “wrong”, I really just don’t see the world that way, but I DO see what some others saw. I understand now, why in my prayer time I was guided to BE STILL. We really were all “seeing” different things.  What I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND is, WHY the attack?  Why it is our natural response to attack one another? What we’re doing with this “color trolling” thing, is blaming the victim, AND blaming the victim inside of ourselves. Have you heard the saying: When you point a finger at someone else, there are literally 3 fingers pointing back at you? I used to think this saying was kind of corny, but I see now, it’s deeper meaning. It’s saying that judgement is simply a mask for fear. Needing to protect yourself,   that is just a part of life,   if you let your fear keep you from flying,   you will never reach your height. - “Come Back to the Middle” from the album Acoustic Soul I get it, we are all looking for a way to feel better, a way to not be so afraid about our life’s particular challenges, and if we can focus that fear on something external we feel better... for a little while anyway. That is why I have said throughout this SongVersation, “SkinGate2013” is not about ME. It’s about something I triggered. Removing the trigger is the REAL healing. The real Key to empowerment is to focus on YOU. I want to say this to every critic of this Cocoa Butter image:

To every person on my Instagram page who says, “I don’t know what it is, but her skin just looks “different”, or anyone else still questioning or discussing this as a side note whenever my name comes up, my skin looks different because... It is. *shrug*  My skin IS different. Did I lighten it? NO! However, what I have discovered is that it does REFLECT more light in images. Clearly all of the purging of toxins and shedding of skin made it “different”. I AM DIFFERENT. My skin IS dIfferent. And WHY CAN’T IT BE? This is just LIFE doing what it does. WE, ALL OF US, are FLUID beings! We shift in height and shoe size, in hair texture and hair color, we shift in weight, in skin color, in personality, and energy! We are ALL, always changing, over the course of our lives. People. Change.

AGAIN: When I talk about being seen as a FULL being, physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional, there is MORE “different” about me than how I LOOK! I didn’t feel SAFE trying to explain this in that climate. I tried on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, but just wasn’t ready to take the conversation that far. But I’m going to attempt to explain it here: MATURITY: I believe, as human beings, every aspect of who we are is interconnected, meaning when one part shifts, so go the OTHER parts. So, what happened with my skin, was the PHYSICAL aspect of a profound life transformation.  The physical part of that transformation is what people are responding to because obviously, it’s the part that can be SEEN. Even I SEE a different me when I compare images of myself from 2009 and 2013. Here’s the part that is especially difficult to explain. I strongly believe that what most people perceived as different about me, the thing that they couldn’t put their finger on, is MUCH MORE THAN MY SKIN! What they are seeing is a A MATURED me. I call what I went through “embodiment” (more about this later). Quite simply, I had matured. It happens to all of us. As one of my fans said about seeing the Cocoa Butter image, “When I saw it, I did think, is that MY India?” Yes, it’s ME. I know it’s hard for some people to REALLY wrap their minds around this, but this IMAGE is really NOT so farfetched. It’s an aspect of ME, and I ask, “WHY CAN’T IT BE?!”. The miracle of Melanin! IS its beautiful diversity of Brown, Gold, Yellow, Green, Red, Blue undertones... and why can’t it be? Michaela Angela Davis, my friend and stylist for my very first magazine photo shoot, on the episode of BET’s Being Mary Jane that sparked this letter, called it, “Our Magic”, and she asked, “Why can’t we PLAY with our MAGIC?!”. I agree with her. WHY CAN’T IT BE? I want to ASK every critic of this Cocoa Butter image a question:

“Because the rest of the world has a colorism complex, because our ancestors were terrorized in this way, does that mean WE, TODAY as Black people have to carry the complex into the next generation?” One day, WE will be someone’s ancestor, and what will our legacy be? YOUNG BLACK AMERICA IS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL CULTURE IN THE WORLD. But, we are a very YOUNG culture that is still living the legacy of slavery because our MINDS are enslaved in many ways. While we set the trends, we fall back into this trap of FOLLOWING someone else -- off a cliff in many instances. I ask, “CAN WE be the generation that lifts the consciousness of the world out of colorism?”. “WHY CAN’T IT BE?”. Why CAN’T we, wear straight hair AND nappy hair depending on the season? Why CAN’T we be lighter in the winter and darker in the summer?  Why CAN’T we shape shift the way the rest of nature does and BE that magic? Not at the behest of a society that dictates, but out of celebration, and authenticity. I am asking you, “CAN WE BE OUR MAGIC?”. I’m finally ready to answer THE question...   The ONE question posed that I felt mattered...   “Why did I let that image go out that way?” The answer is...

I DIDN’T “LET” it go out that way.   For all of the reasons outlined in this SongVersation. 1. What I put forth was different than many EXPECTED of me, because simply I’d changed. 2. The world has changed, people are looking for other things, “color trolling” is NO DOUBT a distinct construct of the social media era. When I left the public eye in 2009, I wasn’t even really on twitter. one of the FIRST tweets I sent was from the island i’d ran away to. 3. The images WERE lightened, by the process, lights and makeup, but I didn’t and STILL don’t see it as that drastic.

4. This image translated into a digital format, took on many different looks depending on the device. In the final product, the subtle humanness of the skin and the shimmer was gone, it just looked flat and lightened. 5. Because my skin color consistently photographs so differently, it’s normal for me to see myself in different shades. 6. My Mom is about a skin type 4 (on the Fitzpatrick skin type scale), so seeing a “lighter me” is something my Soulbird team understood visually. 7. I was fighting a few COMPLETELY DIFFERENT battles. 8. Again, it wasn’t the SHADE of my skin, it was the HEALTH of my skin. 9. I just don’t SEE color like that. I mean I see it physically, but I don’t associate it with better or worse. 10. We were all really just celebrating my growth and freedom. There was no way to just TWEET these things to the “SkinGate2013” critics. How would a world that doesn’t even see me as human accept this type of conversation? This IS my truth.

The challenge of bringing you into my world THAT SAID, I want to take you into ANOTHER ASPECT OF MY WORLD! A Black Woman Artist in the American Music Industry. It is a VERY particular walk. BUT first we have to talk about being a Black Woman in America as a backdrop to that deeper conversation.

MY REAL STRUGGLE WELCOME TO ... THE THUNDER DOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE! Just kidding, LOL! ok,

Seriously

LET’S JUMP IN THE DEEP END HERE, IT HAS TO BE SAID... If you follow me, it will all make sense. I’m going to get a bit esoteric here, (especially if you are not African American), You may not agree, but it will all make sense.

WHITE SUPREMACY Let me CLARIFY. By White supremacy I’m NOT talking about, Skinheads, and the KKK. The term White supremacy in this context refers to the institutional perpetuation of prejudices based on Eurocentric dominance, over people of color. I want to say that again. White Supremacy: The institutional perpetuation of prejudices based on Eurocentric dominance, over people of color. That manifests as actually being in a society that is better made for white men and women (and then Black women and Black men in that order). That manifests for Black people in America as navigating a society that is not made for you, and even made AGAINST you. This is not an opinion, this is fact. For example: where tinted sun screen automatically means tinted for caucasian skin, where flesh tone Band-Aids automatically mean caucasian flesh tone, where flesh tone underwear automatically means caucasian flesh tone. This video nails it! For example: where there is still a FIRST Black woman to be the face of Dior in 2015, where Halle Berry in 2001 is still the FIRST Black woman to win an Oscar for best actress. This matters to THIS conversation, because when we think about who is celebrated in the music industry, who wins Grammy’s, who gets the big marketing push, who is granted access, who gets huge video and recording budgets ... all of that happens against a backdrop of a society that favors white people and eurocentric beauty and aesthetics. THIS is the way American society is. It’s ubiquitous. This is the world Black artists navigate.  To be a Black woman in the public eye in a White supremacist society, constantly sits my LITERAL image at the mercy of a society that as a whole, doesn’t really love me. THIS Cocoa Butter image, is a byproduct of that. The retouchers ideals of beautiful were imposed onto me. They ASSUMED I wanted thinner legs. I did NOT. They assumed I wanted to be “lightened” in the image. I did NOT. I really just wanted to look like a very beautiful version of MYSELF. I had to really fight harder than ever before.

HOW White supremacy works in the Entertainment world It’s all based on Eurocentric beauty ideals:

For example: Straight, blonde hair, blue eye, aquiline nose, thin limbs, lighter skin.... for many this is just considered “beauty” why? Because eurocentric aesthetics are seen as the standard, and therefore are more palatable and desirable by the world as a whole. The entertainment industries are no exception, they SELL this desire to the world. MOST publications lighten darker people, because lighter skin and hair reflect more light and are more eye catching, magazines are after all a business. BUT! For example: Where ARE the cameras that make brown skin look amazing? Oprah has them I can tell you that! LoL! But in general, lights and cameras are ALWAYS tuned for lighter complexions. This is what institutionalized racism looks like. So, for musicians and actresses in the public eye, you are not just selling your talent, you are actually selling yourself. YOU become a product. The less your product fits into conventional beauty ideals, the less MARKETABLE, and therefore, less safe of an investment you are. When a multinational corporation considers something a risky investment they either tread lightly or don’t invest at all. This results in VERY few roles in hollywood for Black actresses, and VERY FEW chances for success in the music industry for Black female musicians. The average Black female musician or actress, is rarely, if ever, given an equal chance. This is what institutionalized racism looks like. Black Tax: On the television show SCANDAL, the episode when we first meet Olivia Pope’s father, he says something to her like “you have to be WHAT! Olivia?”  and she answers  “Twice as good”. THIS is the “Black Tax”. There is an extremely complex political and racial interplay in the entertainment industries at large. This is the world Black artists in America navigate. There is a MUCH larger conversation about the confluence of RACISM, SEXISM, POLITICS and COMMERCE. It STARTS at the top, with the power players (the people that hold the purse strings), and goes all the way down to the consumers (the people 61

with the REAL power - the buying power). Society sees the world through the lens it’s taught to wear, and that lens is so narrow, it’s going to take a HUGE shift in humanity to widen it. A-LIST / CROSSING OVER: This is an insider conversation, but stay with me! I want to give you a snapshot... You’ve heard the terminology used in Hollywood, A-LISTER? This is when you are accepted as an ELITE in the industry. The equivalent of this in the music industry is “CROSSING OVER”. This means finding success across radio formats - especially used to refer to Black artists who go pop. Artists “cross over” when the true music lovers AND middle America purchases their music and that is what makes albums go multiplatinum. Of course, people respond to what they find “attractive” or “understandable” so, you have to have a certain just right look and a certain just right sound, to REALLY be a HUGE success. Skin tone is only ONE PART of that aesthetic and it’s so, so, so much more than that.

THE BEAUTY LOTTERY This is all based on a Eurocentric concept of beauty and how closely a woman fits it. • Of course there is race / skin color: It’s just a particular game for a Black woman artist in the public eye. For example: Beyonce has to be physical perfection, AND the greatest living entertainer, and working 12 hour days, for nearly 20 consistant years, to be who she is in the music industry, while Lady Gaga rivaled Beyonce’s popularity and influence just 3 years after the release of her first album. THIS is what institutionalized racism looks like. • There are facial features: Think of Lena Horne and Nina Simone.   • There’s hair texture: It’s SO rare to see a Black woman with her natural hair, that when we DO, it’s newsworthy, like Viola Davis not wearing a wig to the 2012 Oscars. And of course, ALL of our big female stars (black or white) have straight hair.   Period. • Age: It’s a youth driven society, no need to say more.   Of course it gets WAY deeper than that, but these are just a few examples. 62

How the Beauty Lottery works in the entertainment industry Here’s how it gets MORE complex...

The interplay of AGE and body type: Take Lupita Nyongo’o and Viola Davis. Same physical resonance: very dark skinned, pretty face, beautiful smile, natural hair, CHOPS! for DAYS! BUT, different ages, different body types, different facial features... these things all matter. The interplay of RACE and body type: Take Jill Scott and Adele. Similar physical resonance: beautiful, sensual, busty, big smile, with a big voice, and emotional soulful songs. BUT, Adele is more palatable as a cross over act because of her skin color. Some would argue that Adele’s music was more commercial as well, but those people don’t remember the impact Jill Scott made when she hit the scene, EVERYBODY was talking about her. Adele has been nominated for 13 Grammy’s and won 10. She won 6 of those Grammy’s, a Golden Globe, AND an Oscar in the same year. Jill Scott has been nominated for 13 Grammy’s as well, won 3 (only urban music categories), and while she’s a prolific actress she has YET to even be nominated for an Oscar. again, “The Black Tax”. The interplay of HAIR COLOR and skin color: Take Zendaya with straight hair and Zendaya with textured hair. America is content to see her as basically “white” rather than multi racial, but when she textures her hair on the OSCAR RED CARPET they say, “she looks like she smells like weed” and they WONDER why people got mad. smh (Click HERE to read the open letter I wrote about this) The interplay of FACIAL FEATURES and skin color: Take Lupita Nyongo’o or Lauryn Hill who are both very dark skinned, very slim, petite, and youthful. But they were more acceptable / marketable because they had more “middle America accepted” facial features and body types, and so the skin tone became an added point of interest. Compare that with, Gabourey Sidebay: pretty face, eloquent, talented, all of it, but not the right body type. OR Monique: pretty face, talent, powerhouse, but not the right body type, and might I add not docile enough for the purse string holders. So, can you see where I’m going with this? This can go on and on... that’s why I call it the beauty lottery. There are any number of possible configurations / criteria for a Black female artist to meet. Yes, there are exceptions to these rules, but those are EXCEPTIONS.

So, when it comes to marketing a person, it’s the RARE woman of any race that has the perfect combination to be a HUGE A-List/ Cross Over STAR. And the VERY VERY RARE BLACK FEMALE artist, that has the PERFECT combination to be a HUGE A-LIST / CROSS OVER STAR. AND THIS is why we are all so fascinated with Lupita Nyongo’o. It’s EVEN MORE RARE for a Black female recording artist  who DOESN’T fit the Eurocentric beauty mold,  AND who doesn’t fit the music industry mold,  to “Cross Over” AND THIS is why we are all so fascinated all of these years later with Grace Jones. AND without exception THAT person has to work much HARDER to achieve her success. Look at Viola Davis. Oh, how I love her. Look at Oprah! THIS is what makes Maya Angelou TRULY remarkable. To begin with she didn’t fit ANY of the molds. She was 6 ft tall with a very ethnic face, had a deep voice, and a revolutionary, feminist, humanitarian, world view, grew up poor, had every reason to be insecure, but she didn’t let it stop her. In the end she was a leading voice on race, gender, and spirituality, but she transcended all of that. None of us can really say what kind of struggle she went through in her quiet moments, but she was CLEARLY a VERY empowered human being. And because she knew her worth, she TAUGHT the WORLD to see it too. THAT is why she is my shero. A bit of a side note: There are different challenges for Black MEN. Simply put, men have wider parameters around how they can look. Could a woman have had scars on her face like Seal? As beautiful as he IS, would that have worked for a woman? The more important conversation for Black men in the music industry is subject matter, and masculinity, what is expected of, and accepted from, Black men in this society. But men are not subject to the beauty lottery. Would a female version of Jay-Z’s face work? Maybe, not likely. So I’m gonna say no. But he IS becoming the most powerful American musician / businessman in the world.

To be a Brown Skin Girl, in a White MAN’S world.

My journey IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY:  I’ve alluded to having a hard time in the industry, and wanting to walk away MANY times. There are both personal and professional reasons... (have you heard the song “Life I Know” - from the album SongVersation?).  I want to bring you into MY world and share some of the PROFESSIONAL challenges that I’ve struggled with throughout career. 64

We’ve talked about the beauty lottery, and for musicians there are FURTHER criteria to meet. The music itSELF has to fit a certain mold.  How current, simple, challenging, political, light, deep, eurocentric, afrocentric, ethnic, stereotypical, atypical... is your music? And these are just a few of the many labels! White supremacy in the Music industry:

RACISM, SEXISM, POLITICS and COMMERCE Boxes inside of boxes  The odds of winning this lottery become even less because ... How does your MUSIC match up with your LOOK. And how much will your record label spend on YOU, to make THAT record a hit? How worthy an investment are you? TALENT aside, how worthy an investment are you? If you don’t fit SQUARELY into these boxes, you get put into smaller boxes. Neo - Soul is a smaller box inside the box labeled R&B music. The smaller boxes are given smaller budgets, smaller attention, smaller radio play, smaller everything. What IF with the right push and attention you CAN set a new trend? We RARELY EVER ever get to find out. Back to the “crossover” conversation. Will the world ever even HEAR you? I’ve wondered if my song “Ready For Love”, which is a simple folk song really, would have been a bigger commercial success if some one like Jewel had recorded it. In general, Black artists are thrown out there to see if someone will be interested, it’s like throw it against the wall and see what sticks. There is no special “push” or special “marketing” most of the time. I was given a chance because there was a person who SAW Black artists as viable. Kedar Massenburg, gave me EVERYTHING he could. I believe that is why I’m here today. Kedar treated me like an artist, not a Black artist. I didn’t know back then how rare that was. He gave Erykah Badu her start, and he gave D’angelo his start. Kedar left Motown in 2003, and all subsequent label heads have given me less and less support over each album. SongVersation, released June 2013, has to date sold 113,155 copies, and Voyage to India, released in 2002, sold 800,000, and that was seen as a disappointment. I continue to be put into smaller and smaller boxes. My song “I Am Light” is the most talked about song from my album SongVersation, across social networks, but it was NEVER seen as commercially viable and therefore never given a chance. And I even called a special meeting with my labels to ask for a chance! They said yes but did nothing. So, I’m left to make my OWN chances. “Ready For Love” has a video because

Kedar gave it a chance. In the conventional music industry, they wouldn’t have given ME a dime of marketing money to promote that song, but Kedar understood. Kedar, and the music he branded “Neo-Soul”, were important because someone needed to make a space in the larger music industry for Black artists who weren’t fitting into “comfortable and predictable” molds. I never liked the term “Neo-Soul”, because really I am just a singer songwriter like Alanis Morrisette, Norah Jones, Colbie Callait, Sheryl Crow, Sarah McLachian, Jewel, or Tracy Chapman, or Joni Mitchell. The fact we had to be called something else for marketing reasons bothered me (again boxes inside of boxes). But, it worked. It brought diverse images of Black musicians and especially black women to the world. It worked. My big issue with the music industry is the lack of diversity we have today. While I DO have my issues with the mainstream Black female artists today (again, different SongVersation), my REAL issue is the lack of record company support for the diversity of Black artists. EVERY Black female, A list/ cross over, musical artist today, is a sex symbol pandering the male gaze. We have to dig through social network and rely on word of mouth to find real soul stirring female talents like: Melissa Polinar, Valerie June, Jennah Bell, Beady Belle, Thee Satisfaction, Choklate, Tina Malia... have you heard of any of them? My experience: The interplay of racism, sexism, politics and commerce, that I’m describing, created my experience at the Grammy’s in 2002. My look was received as more interesting and ethnic, not mainstream beauty. My music was message heavy, cerebral, emotional and spiritual. My main competition was Alicia Keys, she was more conventionally beautiful, and her music was more trendy, accessible, sensual, palatable, and less politically challenging. But! the politics that created this moment started at the executive level, it was an uneven competition between the White veteran executive running her label, and the Black neophyte executive running mine. She and I just got caught up in the game. My Grammy Experience: In 2002 I shocked the music industry by being nominated for 7 Grammy’s, and shocked the whole music industry again, by leaving that night very publicly empty handed. This ended up being the talk of the media. It is seen as the biggest Grammy upset in history, this is what Common and Kanye are talking about in their songs when they say being “India Arie’d”. It means being unjustly, politically, shut out at the Grammy’s. This isn’t added to Oxford’s Dictionary or anything like that LOL! but industry insiders know what it means. This is the backstory behind the open letter I wrote about Kendrick Lamar and Macklemore at the 2014 Grammy’s. (You can read that open letter HERE.) 66

The story in the general public became, that I didn’t win Grammy’s that night because I’m dark skinned, and my competition won because she was light skinned. This is not “wrong”, but it’s an oversimplification. It is MUCH the same, as seeing this “Cocoa Butter” image of me and saying, “She bleached her skin” OR “She is trying to “look light”. This again is a GROSS oversimplification. So many things happen when you are in a big machine like the music industry. Racism is SO INTERWOVEN INTO THE FABRIC OF THE INDUSTRY THAT WHEN YOU STAND BACK AND LOOK! YOU CLEARLY SEE! it’s racist, and then you look further and see, WAIT!! it’s sexist and mercenary too! It’s just how it is. BRINGING YOU INTO MY WORLD: By all industry standards, I should not have been a commercial success, many wondered HOW this was happening. Being at the right place, right time? My ancestry? Divine providence? I’ve had commercial success beyond anything I expected. From this platform I’ve been able to present ideas and concepts not generally seen in the mainstream music industry, and it’s been at once exciting and fulfilling, and draining and difficult. So to be criticized by the very people I ride so hard for was a wake up call for me to be EVEN BOLDER! I’m not as big as some artists, but I AM here and being heard. I thank God for that. The Life I Know I sing the songs I do because I WANT TO, not because I have a special pass or an easier road. I would count my family, especially my mother, as a fortune, a blessing! But, when it comes to being in the world on my own, I am at the same effect, of the same society, that doesn’t love my Blackness, as every OTHER Black person. My music though, has made way for me. I have had GREAT success, but it’s also come at a high price. Sometimes it hurts like hell, but I walk with away with a song and a story to tell, and this is the life I know, yes this is the life I know - “Life I Know” from the album SongVersation It simply hurts some times to be a brown skinned girl in a white man’s world. BRINGING YOU INTO MY WORLD NOW, imagine, given the picture I’ve painted, being a sensitive hearted musician / poet in this world. This is why it’s SO COMMON to see artists breaking. Especially 67

women artists. I understand Lauryn Hill, not her specific challenges, but I GET IT. The era when Mariah Carey broke down, her voice was even gone for a while, remember that? I GET IT. Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, I get it. This is why sex, drugs and rock and roll is a stereotype. The most important artists, the most creative, the most imaginative artists, are the most sensitive, and they are generally self-medicating just to MAKE IT through! True artists have MAGIC and LIGHT that people are rightfully drawn to. When too many hands grab at such a delicate thing, the light is extinguished. OFTEN, the bigger the star, the harder the time they’re having. You REALLY never know what people are going through. I’ve self-medicated too. Thank God I didn’t get stuck in that place. This is a wake up call! SOMETHING has to change. It’s TIME! Self LOVE IS THE KEY: The motto of my company SoulBird is; “Elevate and Fly”. Because after my OWN break down, I had a break through, and I am now seeking to a create a life and career that is authentic, sustainable, and healthy. (MUCH more about this in part 4!) My definition of a A SOULBIRD IS: Someone who is actively seeking to liberate (set free) and elevate (raise up) their consciousness. This is why WE ARE in this dialogue together. BECAUSE WE KNOW IT’S TIME. This is a wake up call! SOMETHING has to change. It’s TIME!

This is a wake up call! SOMETHING has to change. It’s TIME! This is a wake up call! SOMETHING has to change. It’s TIME! When we learn to love ourselves enough, our self worth will not hinge on being lighter or darker skinned, taller or shorter, skinnier or fatter, blonde or brown, nappy or straight, or whatEVER standard the world tries to impose on us. All that will matter then, is that we’re being true to ourselves. I know it sounds utopian, but I hold the highest vision for humanity... it’s why I write the music I write. Our greatest Black female inspirations, thinkers, role models, heroes, WORLD TRANSFORMERS! lived outside the box of other people making!! ALL of us have the power and potential to be self-defined and thereby transform the world around US.  Is everyone meant to be “famous”, no, but every person is an influence on the world around them. Every person.

I heard a voice that told me I’m essential   How all my fears are limiting my potential   Said it’s time to step into the light and   Use every bit of the power I have inside So what’chu waiting on  Who You waiting for  If You don’t take a chance You’ll never know what’s in store Just Do You (Somebody’s got to be a star)  Just Do You (Somebody’s got to raise the bar)   Just Do You (Somebody’s got to change the game)   Just Do You (Today) Every mountain needs someone to climb it   Every ocean needs someone to dive in   Every dream needs someone to wish it   Every adventure needs someone to live it So what’chu waiting on  Who You waiting for  If You don’t take a chance You’ll never know what’s in store Just Do You (Somebody’s got to be a star)  Just Do You (Somebody’s got to raise the bar)   Just Do You (Somebody’s got to change the game)   Just Do You (Today) If You create the game then You create the rules   And if You just be You  There’s no way You can lose There’s a story waiting for you to write it   There’s a treasure waiting for you to find it   There’s a picture waiting for you to paint it   There’s a dollar waiting for you to make it So what’chu waiting on  Who You waiting for  If You don’t take a chance   You’ll never know what’s in store

Just Do You (Somebody’s got to be a star)  Just Do You (Somebody’s got to raise the bar)   Just Do You (Somebody’s got to change the game)   Just Do You (Today) If You create the game then You create the rules   And if You just be You  There’s no way You can lose -”Just Do You” from the album SongVersation I CELEBRATE!!!! the fact that I “missed” the color issue in this image. I don’t SEE color like that. My Mom is the “Cocoa Butter” image color, and I just thought “I look like my Mom here” *shrug. I don’t see that as better or worse, I just see it as a fact of being in a black family. The conversation the critics were having was never a part of MY world, it was only a part of theirs. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT the political ramifications of this conversation are. I live these ramifications everyday in the music industry. My maternal Grandparents told all of us cousins stories of how they suffered in the jim crow south. I heard first hand accounts of violence, being jailed, being run out of Memphis with two small children in tow (my Mother and my Aunt Naurice). My Grandfather was very dark skinned (he looked kind of like Sammy Davis Jr.), his family was threatened with death if he didn’t leave town. My Grandmother was light skinned with hazel eyes and it LITERALLY saved her life! (colorism!) . So yes, I understand the politics of this conversation, and still I just don’t associate shade with better or worse. My Mother is skin type 4 (see Part 2 skin type scale), my Aunt (who is like a second Mother to me) is skin type 5, and I have six other Aunts and Uncles all different shades on the spectrum, and I never see any of them as better than or less than, I just see them all as a part of me. They ARE ALL a part of me. Even knowing what I know about the world, and how racism works, how colorism works, ! I STILL don’t see color like that. I CELEBRATE color. I really DO “love your (and my!) brown skin”. Even knowing what I know about the world, how hard it can be, I still believe LOVE IS THE KEY. The most powerful energy in the universe and all we have to do it use it - “The Cure”, from the album Testimony: Vol. 2, Life and Relationship I celebrate... my GROWTH! Even with ALL that was going on, and being so fragile, “SkinGate 2013” didn’t send me into myself, it’s brought me OUT of myself. 70

I celebrate... THIS SongVersation. It IS my most authentic response. I am especially qualified to address this issue. I wrote this for the people who love to read, and while I know so many critics of this image may never read it, I at least know, I have documented my truth and I pray this SongVersation will reach who its meant for. As one of my spiritual teachers says, “Don’t get mad at people, just remind them.” The most important lesson I’ve learned in my life thus far is... MY life is in my hands.   No one can do my work for me.  My relationship with God is mine to cultivate. MY self worth is mine to cultivate.  My healing is mine to cultivate. I DO NOT BELIEVE that it is productive for us to wait for the world outside of us to change so we can feel better. We empower ourselves so that the issue is no longer there to BE triggered. WE literally comprise the world we live in and it WON’T change until WE DO. YES!!! OF COURSE it’s still important for us to do the work to educate people and to shift the attitudes of the world outside - BUT - in the end, out healing is in our own hands. We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. - Maya Angelou Life is not easy, but we are here to learn and grow. And THAT means being willing to confront our lifes challenges. And THAT is what I REALLY want to talk about.  THAT is what this whole SongVersation is about for me. HEALING. It’s time.

But HOW?

HOW DO WE HEAL? I don’t know the answer to that question for everyone, but I do know it for myself. I DO have lots of opinions and experiences on this path. I have sung about it for years.  I’m ready to go more in-depth and REALLY share many of my life’s philosophies. Next: SongVersation: I Am Light Part 4: Healing

I will not address “SkinGate2013” again. Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday. - “This Too Shall Pass” from Testimony: Vol. 1, Life & Relationship

Part 4: Healing

COMING SOON...