FINAL DELIVERy

by Wyatt Oldham (An Acquaintance of ARTHUR PINT) .

I don't know if anyone actually read the articles by Arthur Pint in the two previous editions of this journal. My reaction to the first was that the author of the dissertation displayed a remarkably keen sense of vivid imagery if he imagined that people would read his rubbish. The most notable feature of the second was it's mediocraty.

However I have to admit that although his ideas were similar to those of past generations who believed in a flat earth, some did have grains of truth in them. Any they did raise quite a loud smile here and there.

Perhaps I declare my interest in the matter. Firstly I think I am probably the petroleum officer to whom he referred, and if the cap fits then you should wear it (as they say in Holland). Secondly experience leads me to believe that there must be other people like Arthur as the following anecdotes demonstrate.

Holey Pipelines I recall an inspection at a large petrol filling station where a rerouting of the pipelines was to be carried out. On my arrival I noticed a trench. In the trench was a workman and pipeline and in his hands was a pneumatic drill. In the pipeline (you guessed) there was a hole!

Well anybody can make a mistake and this character was not exactly the quickest on the uptake. I can't reveal his nationality because of the Race Relations Act. "Paddy", I said "I gave you the existing plans to follow and you promised me you could avoid the existing pipelines." "To be sure I most ways," he replied, "But on this plan where they're not, there they are." I scrutinised his plans which certainly weren't the ones I'd given to him. They showed the positions of the new lines. He was avoiding those which were not yet installed! "I thought these would be more up to date," he said defensively. Joking Apart

But it's not always mistakes which cause danger) sometimes it can be caused by deliberate acts. You may have heard the story of the practical joker on the building site. He didn't want to harm anyone, but he'd do anything for a laugh.

On a particularly wet and miserable day all the rest of the gang were huddled around an open coke stove in the site hut having one of their interminable tea breaks. In walked "Joker': placed a five gallon drum next to the glowing stove and said, "That should warm it up a bit." He then walked out locking the door behind him.

The whole gang sat first in disbelief, then in horror as they slowly. and in unison mouthed the spelling of the one word painted in large, menacing, red characters on the drum - PET R 0 L.

The simultaneous frenzied efforts of the unfortunate occupants to evacuate the hut en masse, first via the locked door and then through the single small window had predictably disastrous results. Predictable that is, to anyone who stops to think of the possible outcome of his actions.

The results? Three broken arms, one broken leg and numerous cuts and bruises. The drum? It was full of water: The moral? A single clot can cause rigor mortis.

Tail Piece

I rember on one occasion almost coming to grief myself. It was in the days when I was young and keen, too keen perhaps. I was carrying out an inspection.of a tank wagon and, being a weights and measures inspector as well as a petroleum officer, I was particularly interested in the dipsticks and the measure being carried. The dipsticks were of a type which had a retaining piece at the bottom to prevent them from being completely removed - what a good idea.