The Sunday Comics Grow Up Don Kunz
When the Sunday Comics grow up, Justice will at last be served. Lucy will try to fool Charlie Brown With the same trick for the last time. When she pulls the football away, He will kick her in the teeth. Garfield will stop being such a pussy. He will no longer walk upright, And talk in thought balloons, But get his claws and testicles back. Beetle Bailey will become a swinging dick, Frag his snaggle-toothed sergeant, Kidnap the General’s secretary, Go AWOL to Vegas, and become a pimp. In the Family Circus Dad and mom, Will tie their annoying toddlers in highchairs, Duct tape their tiny astonished mouths, And get drunk on cheap cooking wine. In Doonesbury Zonker will graduate At age forty-five and start a dot com. Walden College football team will Win the BCS National Title game. Dagwood will have an accident At work with a pencil sharpener Rendering him blind and impotent. Blondie won’t notice the difference. In Zits, Jeremy will date a vacuum cleaner, Pierce will be torn apart in an MRI, And all the women characters will Grow smaller lips and bigger breasts. Mr. Wilson will take Dennis the Menace To church where he will become an Altar boy fondled regularly by a priest, Whom he will drive slowly insane. 16
The wholesome Canadian Dentist’s Children in For Better or For Worse Will hatch a terrorist plot in Vancouver Involving waterpics and laughing gas.
