I Hate Being Bipolar. It’s Awesome. Adrianna Caputo

I Hate Being Bipolar. It’s Awesome.

Adrianna Caputo

After Kanye West and Hanif Abdurraquib

When I tell you that I want the version of myself who lies paralyzed on the floor to suffer/ what I mean is I want to take her body/ curled like a dying child/ and shake until she leaves herself behind/ leaves herself behind and becomes something new and free and bloodless/ Bloodless?/ What I mean by that is I want her unbleedable/ clear and pure/ so/ what I really want is that ancient river water to pulse/ through her veins/ Rivers like the ones our ancestors used to cup/ their hands fleshed and earthen chalices/ and press to the thirsting mouths of their own children/ Rivers like the ones that dampen valleys/ so they can be cut into/ and cut into is what I mean when I say suffer/ When I say suffer/ I want to take the curled up girl and saw around her skin like a stencil/ peel away a calloused and windworn edge/ grab the new and wobbling outline and cradle it like an afterbirth/ When I tell you I want the version of myself who runs free and bloodless more than I need the weight of prayer on my tongue/ more than I want my own flesh to zip itself back up like a cape over my shoulders/ more than my bones need breaking/ breaking as punishment/ and breaking as a way to bring the body back around to itself/ but/ there is only ever the version of me on the floor and the one silent in vigil over her/ and we both spit suffer like it’s a dogma/ like it’s written on the backs of our eyelids/ like it’s a brand/ so/ lie down/ you dying child girl/ please/ let me shake you into something free.

Artwork by Rabiyatu Jalloh