A CERTAI N
KOSLOWSKI THE DIRECTOR’S CUT
A CERTAIN KOSLOWSKI THE
DIRECTOR’S
CUT
MICHAEL AUGUSTIN
translated by
Sujata Bhatt and
Margitt Lehbert with illustrations by
Hartmut Eïng
2016
Published by Arc Publications, Nanholme Mill, Shaw Wood Road Todmorden OL14 6DA, UK www.arcpublications.co.uk Copyright in the original text © Michael Augustin, 2016 Copyright in the translations © translators as named (p. 89), 2016 Copyright in the illustrations © Hartmut Eïng, 2016 Copyright in the present edition © Arc Publications Ltd, 2016 978 1910345 56 6 (pbk) 978 1910345 96 2 (hbk) 978 1910345 57 3 (ebk) Design by Tony Ward Printed in Great Britain by TJ International, Padstow, Cornwall This is a revised and expanded edition of A Certain Koslowski, published in 1992 by Arc Publications / Littlewood Arc This book is in copyright. Subject to statutory exception and to provision of relevant collective licensing agreements, no reproduction of any part of this book may take place without the written permission of Arc Publications.
Contents
Immaculatus • 9 Birth Pains • 10 From His Childhood • 11 A Misunderstanding • 12 An Experiment on Himself • 13 A Parable • 14 Exaggerated Consequences • 15 A Terrible Disappointment • 16 A Contribution to Culture • 17 Couples • 18 Pantyhose • 20 Well-versed in Love • 21 Postillon d’Amour • 22 On the Changing Times • 23 A Cool Word • 24 Laughing Fits • 25 An Inconsequential Meeting • 26 A Tuscan Quarrel as well as Its Consequences • 27 The Chance of a Lifetime • 28 An Excellent Sentence • 29 Self-image • 31 A Skeleton in the Cupboard • 32 Destiny • 33 Consolation • 34 A Nice Achievement • 35 Sleepwalking • 36 Recurring Mistaken Identities • 37 Parting • 38 An Observation • 39 A Real Find • 40 A Suicide Attempt • 41 Another Suicide Attempt • 42 A Consideration • 43 Near Death • 44 A Subjective Observation • 45 An Admonishing Letter • 46
Life Expectancy • 47 Fate • 48 Regarding Coincidences • 50 Soliloquy • 51 Secret Agent • 52 A Declaration of Peace • 53 A Confession • 54 A Clear Word • 55 A Lesson in Aesthetics • 56 An Embarrassing Toast • 57 A Revelation • 58 The Tall Guys • 59 Questions • 60 Jokes • 61 His Relationship to Poetry • 62 A Railway Station Story • 63 Landscape • 64 Question and Answer • 65 Memory Plays a Trick on Koslowski – and Not Only on Him • 66 The Hat • 68 Encounter • 69 Loss and Profit • 70 A Predictably Simple Answer • 71 Towards his Own Self • 72 Stick • 73 Another Parable • 75 Time • 76 Actually a Day Like Any Other • 77 A Warning Example • 78 Favourite Dream • 79 The Way • 80 A Child of His Time • 81 Justice • 82 In Old Age • 83 Finding Truth • 85 Into Oblivion • 86 Biographical Notes • 88 A Note on the Text • 89
for Sujata and Jenny
8
Immaculatus
Koslowski belongs to that tiny group of people who came into being through immaculate conception. “Whether in my case, too, the Holy Ghost had a hand in it, or perhaps even God the Father, I just don’t know,” Koslowski remarked to friends. In any case, when, at a young age, he slept with his natural mother for the first time, he claims that he found her to be, without a doubt, still a virgin – a story, however, that hardly anyone accepts. “Afterwards,” Koslowski notes with resignation, “afterwards, something like that is pretty damned hard to prove.”
9
Birth Pains
When Koslowski was born, two of his fathers reportedly staged a bitter shoot out. We are told that the surviving father, immediately after seeing the infant for the first time, drowned himself in the pub on the corner.
10
From His Childhood
According to corroborating reports from the Polish cleaning lady and his mother, the infant Koslowski’s first words were “more light”, which however, was interpreted at the time as sheer cynicism since the sun was already blazing brightly; whereupon the young Koslowski felt insulted and remained stubbornly silent until nearly kindergarten age, when he reported back in with the trite words: “mama, mama”.
11
A Misunderstanding
Koslowski says that when he was a child, for quite a while he thought that the term ‘beheading’ described a situation in which the delinquent for the purpose of being deterred had a second, identical head fixed upon his shoulders. And even today he asks himself whether this method for certain contemporaries would be a punishment far worse than the traditional one.
12
An Experiment on Himself
At the tender age of barely fourteen, Koslowski discovered to his amazement that the consumption of several glasses of alcohol, such as whisky, beer, or cognac, resulted in a state of complete inebriation. After sleeping off his drunkenness, he wanted, with understandable pride, to make public his discovery in order to warn mankind of the dangers of alcohol consumption, but found, to his great disappointment, that everywhere he went his discovery was already well known, upon which, sobered forever, he got drunk a second time.
13
A Parable
Koslowski relates how when he was a child, he once lost the key to his parents’ house and was severely scolded for that mishap. Ironically, the substitute key which he was compelled to wear from that moment on – tied around his neck with a red ribbon visible to all – turned out to be the only thing that was left after his parents lost their house in the war.
14
Exaggerated Consequences
Koslowski tends towards exaggerated consequences. For example, since being shot at by British dive bombers during World War II because of a highly visible brilliant red knitted hat, he hates all knitted hats, no matter what their colour.
15