Spring/Summer 2014
From heartbreak to joy
Integrating spiritual truths into everyday life HOW TO HELP CHILDREN MAKE WISE DECISIONS
The family that plays together stays together
CONFESSIONS OF AN ADOPTIVE COUPLE 1 A publication of the Arkansas Baptist News
ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
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FEATURES
The family that plays together stays together When was the last time your family played together? This article reminds parents to take time to build memories and play together as a family.
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From heartbreak to joy
20
Confessions of an adoptive couple
All families experience heartache and challenges. Learn, from a biblical perspective, how families can move forward in faith and love when their worlds are turned upside down.
Have you considered adopting a child? Here is a first-hand look at the adoption journey, highlighting five vital lessons learned along the way.
MORE ... 5 Trending 6 Post from the editor 7 A merry heart 8 The sacrifices of marriage and parenthood 12 MomTrek: Navigating the journey of raising grounded children in an ever-shifting world
16 Integrating spiritual truths into everyday life 22 Home schooling: A first-person perspective 24 Why your student should consider a private Christian university
26 Back to the basics 28 How to help children make wise decisions
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ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
“LOVING” IS MOST FAVORED PARENTAL TRAIT Most Americans believe good mothers and fathers must be loving, supportive and protecting, but fewer see the necessity of parents having a commitment to Christianity or religion, according to a recent survey. The survey, conducted by LifeWay Research in 2013, revealed that Americans’ expectations of parents contrast with popular media portrayals of parents. For mothers (35 percent) and fathers (31 percent), being “religious” garnered a slightly higher return than being a “committed Christian” (26 percent for both mothers and fathers) on the survey of desired traits. LifeWay Research provided the following 16 characteristics to determine which ones Americans consider mandatory to be a good mother/father: Loving, Supporting, Protecting, Encouraging, Understanding, Involved, Trusting, Teaching, Tender, Providing, Consistent, Fun, Admitting Mistakes, Generous, Religious, Committed Christian.
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magazine
Publisher
Arkansas Baptist Newsmagazine, Inc.
Editor
It is a challenge to rear children today. There was a time when faith was integral to the American family – but no more. Parents who desire to instill Christian values and decision-making abilities in their children face a changing culture that seems to do everything it can to destroy family rather than lift it up. Take, for example, the assault on traditional marriage that is underway in our country. Study after study shows that children are best served when both a father and mother are present in the home and active in the children’s upbringing. Recently, I was privileged to be the guest of a multicultural church service in a rural community. The preacher – who was African-American – shared a message that encouraged parents not to be “friends” of their children. He said friends meet at the pool hall and get into all kinds of trouble. Parents, on the other hand, are to guide their children and keep them out of pool halls and lead them to live righteous lives. It was a simple message, but so true. Today’s culture that shouts, “Be who you are!” and, “Do what you feel is right!” flies in the face of Scripture, which says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death” (Proverbs 14:12, ESV). Arkansas Christian Parent writers look to Scripture to help parents make sense of the times in which we live. We hope and pray that you enjoy our latest edition! We ask that you would not only read it, but also consider giving a copy to a lost friend and helping your church distribute copies in your community – at the bank, doctors’ offices and local businesses. Tim Yarbrough Editor
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ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
Tim Yarbrough
Special Projects Coordinator
Margaret Dempsey-Colson
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Special Projects Advertising
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Jessica Vanderpool
Staff Writer
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Steve McPherson
On the cover:
The look on Laura Hendricks’ face says it all. Adoption is a blessing for child and parents. See her adoptive father’s personal reflections on the adoption journey on page 20. Photo credit: Jennifer Hambrick www.arkansasbaptist.org Arkansas Baptist News 10 Remington Drive Little Rock, AR 72204 Phone: 501-376-4791 Toll-free: 800-838-2272 email: abn@arkansasbaptist.org
Let it go. It’s official. I knew this day was coming, and now it is here. It’s time to clean house. No, not just a vacuum and dusting kind of cleaning but an “I- can’t-believe-we-held-onto-this-bicycle-withtraining-wheels-for-15-years” kind of cleaning. And, what’s up with that decades-old “Operation” board game? It sure was fun when we played with it, but, surprisingly, the game didn’t lead any of the children to become doctors. And, oh look, my childhood dog’s collar. What sweet memories. Yes, time to clean house. As our children are all now – at least for the moment – independent and on their own, my husband and I recently have invited dear ol’ dad to share a home with us. Apparently this is a growing trend – adult children and aging parent(s) living together. And I think it’s a good trend – one that honors God and His intent for families. However, lest you have Pollyanna visions of a “happily ever after” scenario without any share of, well, challenges, read on. The greatest challenge – one that has usurped all others – one that continues to rear its ugly head just when I think I have beaten it down (like that Whac-A-Mole pinball game where you hit the animal coming out of its hole just when another one is peeking out) is the challenge of stuff, lots and lots of stuff. When two households are combined into one home, watch out! The stuff seems to multiply and grow, even when you’re sleeping! Both my late mother and I have what some might call “collecting” tendencies. OK, others might call it “hoarding” tendencies, but that word seems so harsh! You truly never know when you might need hundreds of plastic forks or that magazine from 1989 that had a recipe for a decadent chocolate cake. Now we weren’t at the point of having a reality television show knock on our door or follow-the-path-through-thestacks-of-magazines-to-get-to-the-next-room kind of “collecting,” but we did have stuff. Case in point is when I found one of my cheer banners from my high school days (let’s not even begin to calculate how many years ago that
by Margaret Dempsey-Colson
was, please)! As I pulled that banner from its decades-old resting place, my daughter wrestled it from my hands. She had placed a box, a small box, in the room. I was told I could keep whatever “treasures” would fit in that box. Wow, she’s a tough one. As I relinquished the banner to its final resting place, I thought of the words of the song from “Frozen,” Disney’s recent blockbuster, “Let It Go.” I’m not sure the writers had letting go of stuff in their minds when writing the song, but it seemed to fit my reality at the moment. And, in the words of Holy Scripture, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:19-21, NIV). Keep in mind that one person’s trash is another person’s treasure. How many times has something (like an old mop) been walked to the curb for trash pick-up only to be walked back to the house by someone else? Yes, sometimes I have had to do that under cover of darkness, but that’s another story for another day. Do you know what I discovered as I let go of stuff? I found freedom! As I unloaded my car time and again at the local charity, I prayed that my “treasures” – the old dishes that hadn’t been used for years, the clothes that didn’t fit, the decorative items that no longer needed to collect dust in my house – could somehow help someone in need. Letting go of earthly treasures – and continuing to do so day after day after day – has allowed me to focus on heavenly treasures – not the least of which is loving life in an uncluttered home with my husband and father. Margaret Dempsey-Colson, her husband and her father continue the “letting go” process as they become firmly rooted in “coming together” in their new living arrangement.
ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
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T he sacrifices of
marriage and parenthood
by Derek Brown
S
o children change things a bit. My wife and I found this out on Easter Sunday a few years back. After church, we decided to find somewhere to have a nice lunch and continue sharing the day together. It was a beautiful spring day in New Orleans, which meant restaurants were crowded and our usual choices were not available. While discussing our dwindling options, we drove past a quaint uptown diner advertising an Easter jazz brunch that enticed us to stop in. At this point, lunchtime was about to pass us by so we quickly parallel parked and made our way to the door. The shotgun-house-turnedrestaurant was pretty crowded, but seats were available, so the hostess guided us as we maneuvered through the crowd with our tired 1-year-old to find our corner table. We scanned the menu quickly to identify which of the fancy breakfast items were most appealing for what had become an afternoon brunch. Some of our best moments as a married couple were spontaneous and adventurous; this impromptu date was on the way to becoming another one of those moments. Just as our food arrived, with the help of our daughter, something occurred to us – naptime isn’t going to wait. Our generally compliant daughter was beyond consoling, and everyone in the restaurant seemed to notice. The temperature in the dining room was steadily rising as we tried every trick in the diaper bag to no avail. Trial and error revealed that our only successful strategy involved one of us standing outside with the baby while the other sat 8
ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
alone and ate. To this day, I remember sitting alone at that table, eating my overpriced eggs and thinking, “Why do we bother?” That day was not what I had in mind at all, but it is one of my favorite memories of trying to balance being a father with being a husband. Sometimes these two roles fit together nicely, but at other times much more effort is required on my part to make sure I am fulfilling the commitment required of each role. Before we were married, I knew my future wife was out of my league; in order to keep her from noticing, I believed I had to continually work hard to pursue her. In those days, I didn’t have the most educated ideas about relationships, but maybe this one wasn’t such a bad notion. After working with many couples in strained relationships, I realize this pursuit is something that is lost early in many marriages, particularly when children enter the picture. What I have observed is that many couples experience difficulty because they identify a Christian marriage as one where divorce should not be an option. While I echo this notion, I also realize that God designed marriage for so much more. Not stepping back when difficulty arises is only half of the commitment Christians are called to. The other half of the commitment involves stepping forward in faith toward greater intimacy. While more emotional connection
sounds delightful, many couples don’t continue this pursuit because intimacy increases vulnerability. The pursuit of intimacy becomes an even greater challenge when children are involved but is all the more important. There is something magical about holding a newborn in your arms and knowing the responsibility that rests on your shoulders to care for that child. Like many others, my wife and I would stop at nothing to protect our children. We have come to understand that at the foundation of the development of our children is our relationship with each other. Though we would go to great lengths to meet their needs, our relationship cannot be put aside in order to do so. If we are going to raise children who develop appropriately and become healthy adults, we must start with our commitment to each other. Our marital commitment not only makes us stronger parents, but also makes our children more secure.
Remember that good memories aren’t always made of the moments that went as planned, so be flexible. As parents, we all know those moments are few and far between anyway. Know that the next impending dating disaster has the potential to become one of your favorite memories in your effort to be both a parent and a spouse. No matter how challenging it may be, take the risks to pursue greater intimacy with your spouse. Why do we bother? Because our children are worth it. Derek Brown is the Little Rock area director for Arkansas Baptist Children’s Homes and Family Ministries. He and his wife have a daughter, a son and another son due to make his arrival in July.
Not stepping back when difficulty arises is only half of the commitment Christians are called to. The other half of the commitment involves stepping forward in faith toward greater intimacy. Like most parents, our time is precious, and we want to make every minute count with our children. For this reason, we have to schedule time to spend together as a couple. I love when we get a babysitter and my 5-year-old asks if we are going on a date. She doesn’t know what that means, but it sounds exciting to her. It also makes her feel the safety in our relationship today and will lead to secure relationship formation in the future.
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When you make sacrifices for your children, don’t let your marriage be included in the cuts. Sure, things change when children arrive. We don’t often have the luxury of spontaneity, but that simply means we have to intentionally arrange the schedule and manage the budget to enjoy activities together, and sometimes we do it anyway even when we don’t have the time or money. When the supply of resources is limited, creativity must kick in. Going on a date isn’t about spending a lot of money or doing something fancy. The goal is to connect on a deeper level, which should be done in big and small ways. On a regular basis, this can be as simple as putting the children to bed a little bit early and playing a card game or planning a future trip that you may or may not take. If the option for a paid babysitter is limited, finding another trustworthy couple can make an opportunity for dateswap babysitting. The children will love spending time with friends, and you can share that time with your spouse. Planning rituals and traditions around the holidays for your family is fun, but also consider your marriage in such planning. Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries by reflecting on the good memories that are passing so quickly.
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ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
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The family that plays together stays together by Jessica Vanderpool
Y
ou work 40-plus hours a week to help provide for your family. You play your child’s favorite song 20 times in a row just because it makes him smile. You kiss your child’s scraped knee and arrange play dates with his friend. As he gets older, you help him with homework and take him to extracurricular activities. You agonize as he learns to drive, worry as he begins to date and cheer as he finally graduates high school.
by Jennifer Davis Rash
You are a proud parent. You’d do anything for your child. But as you eagerly provide for your child in every way possible, don’t forget to also give your child the all-too-often overlooked gifts of time and play. In a society focused on constantly “going,” the concept of a family simply taking time to “play together” is all but lost. “Playing together gives families a chance to relax and get to know each other,” said Allison Kizzia, who serves on the staff of the Arkansas Baptist State Convention (ABSC). “It gives opportunities for conversations about life and for parents to connect their faith to everyday situations.” Setting goals for family time is vital, according to Warren Gasaway, a fellow ABSC employee. “Having a purpose for those times makes them more meaningful,” he said. “Fun is not the end goal. It’s a by-product of making sure that the family is spending time together. We, as parents, with just a little bit of thought, can make those times meaningful. “Whether it be an activity or a nice dinner or a time of decompression (and) rest, when we go at it knowing that it’s the only point of the day that we have together, we will take full advantage of it. It’s time for us to manage our time and have meaning behind it, rather than just let it go haphazardly.” He also noted that spending quality time together and playing together is about more than the “play” itself. “Playing is good. Playing is right. And it is just good old ‘playtime’ that we want,” he said.
Photo Credit: Ashley Murphy Images 10
ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
“But playing with a goal to bond with your children, to show them how to have a good time, to instill memories, is better.”
He gave the example of playing catch with his son. “If I’m going outside to play catch with my son, that’s good. But if I’m going outside to play catch with my son and help him to enjoy us being together, that’s better,” he said. “If I’m going outside to play catch where baseball is the end goal, then I may miss an opportunity for something deeper.” He added, “As parents, we want our children to remember playing catch with mom and/ or dad, but we also should want them to remember the feeling that they got while they were playing catch with us. It can be a great time of affirmation, of sharing, etc.”
“Sports activities can be fun, but most children and families won’t do these for the long-term and they typically focus around the family watching one individual.” He gave examples of potential activities for families – activities like hunting, fishing, golfing, playing board games, hiking, eating out and watching sports together. “Finding activities that your family can engage in throughout the various seasons and years of life will create memorable times for your family to enjoy for generations,” he said. He said his family has done a variety of things together – from grocery shopping to fishing. He shared that once he even turned a sports game he was watching with his
in the state legislature. Saturday mornings provide us with consistency.” Gasaway’s family, on the other hand, found their niche in taking walks. It became such a tradition that they became known for it. “During evenings, we would walk our neighborhoods, and the children would ride bikes,” he said. “We would interact with neighbors and use that time not only for exercise, but for escape. Our children could hear the conversations between me and my wife concerning life in general. It gave them the opportunity to hear our ways of problem solving, our ways of sharing, our ways of looking at things.”
So for all the busy parents in the world – the ones helping with homework and shuffling their children to and from activities like the fate of mankind depends on soccer practice – the question comes down to this: What kinds of activities should parents be doing with their children? Kizzia encouraged parents to tailor activities to their families. “I don’t think there is a one-size-fits-all plan,” she said. “Families need to look at what they enjoy, the ages of their children and the time they have. Even organized activities can lead to family time. I know a family who goes to a fast-food restaurant every Tuesday night after ball practice, and they have a question over dinner that everyone has an opportunity to answer.” Parents should consider choosing activities that are not age-specific, according to Ben Phillips, also an ABSC employee. He suggested choosing something, instead, that can be done together for the long run. “The challenge for families is finding some things that everyone in the family likes to do. It may be hard, so you might have to split the difference, sharing time between activities so that everyone enjoys at least something you do together,” said Phillips.
family into a teaching opportunity. He said a leader on one of the teams was having a bad game, and as a result, he “became frustrated and lazy in his play.” “I used this as a teaching opportunity with my sons to stress the importance of playing hard all the time, even when things aren’t going your way,” Phillips said. “Life is much like that, so how will you respond when things don’t go your way?” Kizzia and Gasaway also shared personal examples of their family activities. Kizzia and her family make biscuits on Saturday mornings – a tradition she has carried over from her childhood. “Like most families, we live a pretty busy life,” she said. “Neither my husband nor I work a typical nine to five workday. I travel with the Arkansas Baptist State Convention, and my husband has a law practice and is
Spending time with his children is important to Gasaway on a personal level. “My dad was a professional musician,” Gasaway explained. “He was on the road so much that there would be many days of the year that he was gone. It got to a point where I, as a child, was calling him by his first name rather than ‘Dad.’ “I know my God-given role as parent gives me the opportunity to make disciples of Christ at home. Parents are the primary shapers of our children – emotionally, socially, physically, intellectually and spiritually. The time that we have with them is precious and important,” he said. But in today’s culture, a child’s playtime is often delegated to others in the form of signing up a child for a sports team or enrolling him in an organization. (continued on page 14)
ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
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MomTrek:
Navigating the journey of raising grounded children in an ever-shifting world
hen recently invited to lead a session for moms at a women’s conference, I pondered what it is that moms really need to hear. As a veteran mom of three boys, I think even in this information-saturated, media-overloaded society in which we live, there is still something very basic that moms need to really hear – not just hear, but grasp in the very soul of who we are – down to the essence of who we desperately want to be. Mothering isn’t just a job, a role, what we do, our identity or our ambition. We can try to put it in these boxes, to label it, to define it, but the thing about mothering is that it’s always evolving. Mothering is much like a trek. “Trek” is defined as “a trip or movement especially when involving difficulties or complex organization; an arduous journey.” Mothering is the hardest, most demanding and challenging experience we will ever have. When I became a mom 22 years ago, I was fortunate to be surrounded by solid teaching, giving me firm footing; role models who set practical examples, and a church environment that nurtured young families. When I observe the landscape of mothering over the past 10 years, I am troubled to note that it has been impacted, attacked and undermined by our self-focused culture, driven by a never-ending bombardment of media pushing us to relentlessly pursue perfection. We should have perfect children, who excel in sports, academics, the arts, and run in perfect social circles. We should have perfect houses, perfect marriages, perfect jobs, perfect friends, perfect bodies – the list goes on. This frenetic pace has taken a huge toll on moms. We climb higher and higher, running after this illusion. And we are tired. We are spent. We’re exhausted. We’re not really sure who we are as moms anymore, why we are moms or where we’re supposed to be as moms. We’ve lost our view of the scenery. Maybe we need to stop and get our bearings, regain our footing and figure out where we’re going. Maybe we need a little push, a little help up the mountain, across the river. As we think of our MomTrek, let’s apply the same principles needed in a trek. We need an overall objective, proper supplies, essential skills and the right traveling companions as we set out on this trek. 12
ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
by Shari Edwards
MomTrek OBJECTIVE All treks have an objective – a point at which they will end. What are we trying to accomplish with our children? Where and how are we trying to end up as we envision our children at age 21? In her book, “10 Habits of Happy Mothers,” author and pediatrician Meg Meeker wrote, “Every mother is born to fulfill a higher calling. The question for every mother is: ‘Do you feel you were born for a great purpose?’” God has set a clear objective for us in Deuteronomy 6:5-7 (HCSB): ”Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children.” Our objective should be not to raise children who are successful in this earthly life, but to pursue a higher calling of raising a generation who lives to please God – a message that is opposed to what our children hear in the world today.
MomTrek SUPPLIES The right equipment is vital in order to have a successful and enjoyable adventure. I think of the backpack, which holds everything for our journey, as being God’s Word. In His Word, we find everything we need. It contains light and truth, sustains and nourishes, provides shelter and reveals direction for life. Truth is like our map as we navigate life. Basing our decisions on the foundation of God’s Word helps establish firm footing as we make our way. It is our food and water, as we so desperately need to be nourished and refreshed with daily Scripture and prayer. When we take shelter in God’s truth, we find provision and protection. And when we seek God’s ways as our true north, He gives us guidance through our own personal compass – the Holy Spirit – who reveals direction for our lives and the lives of our children. And we need the hiking shoes of faith and hope! To step out, take hold and go up, we must have courage to place hope in what we have yet to actually see. His promises assure us that, like the deer, He will enable us to stand firmly on mountain heights!
MomTrek SKILLS Much of mothering involves the skill of navigating. We can sometimes find ourselves veering off course, facing difficulties and lacking the strength to endure. There are unexpected obstacles, currents that can sweep us away and steep rock faces that seem insurmountable. These obstacles can be hard things like a child who has serious health issues, displays a behavior disorder, is promiscuous, doesn’t seem to fit in, demonstrates rebellious attitudes and so forth. The list could go on. We need to anticipate and prepare for how we will deal with obstacles and develop the endurance and strength it takes to keep paddling and to keep climbing, even when we can’t see and when we feel like giving up. It will get better!
MomTrek SOJOURNERS One of the most rewarding aspects of my MomTrek is the journey I’ve shared with my “tribe” along the way. In “10 Habits of Happy Mothers,” Meeker wrote: “Every woman needs a tribe. Force yourself to pick a few good women who will go the distance with you. Friends who love us know that motherhood is about transitioning, and adjusting constantly to the demands life brings.” As I was raising my two older sons, ages 21 and 22, I didn’t notice during those years the rampant sense of competing and comparing that seems to be prevalent in today’s mom culture, as I’m raising my 14-year-old. Moms, what happened? We forgot our objective. Instead of being led by truth and confident in God’s provision, we are driven by fear and self-focus. We got distracted by the frantic pace of life and by constantly being told we aren’t doing it right, our children aren’t good enough, and we are failures. This is one big lie! When we allow the root of this lie to spread, it affects our confidence and life direction. We base our actions and attitudes on fear and insecurity instead of truth and a healthy perspective of our identity in Christ. Let go of being driven by what the world tells us. Stop comparing. Speak truth. Stand together as moms who want to take our children to the heights of God’s very best! Let’s be moms who hold each other accountable – who have the courage to hold to a higher standard and hold our children to that standard. Our children need to see that God is the center of our world and that our lives revolve around Him – not them. No matter how off course we may get, He is always our true north. Let’s get our bearings, regain our footing and take hold of our higher calling, spurring each other on to greater heights! Shari Edwards is a women’s ministry speaker, writer and mom to a teenage son and two young adult sons. She and her husband, Andy, are members of Park Hill Baptist Church in North Little Rock. You can find her Genesis Girls ministry blog at www.sharibeth.wordpress.com. ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
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The family that plays together stays together (continued from page 11)
“Organized time is great,” Kizzia noted, “but unstructured time takes away elements of competition and performance.” She noted a potential pitfall in centering all of a family’s playtime around organizations. “I connect it to our spiritual lives on some level,” she said. “If we spend all of our time doing things for God, but don’t spend time with Him and getting to know Him better, everything is not as it should be. Time we spend listening, talking and enjoying each other helps strengthen relationships – both with God and with our families. It also adds depth to our organized activities.” Phillips pointed out that while activities centered around organizations and sports are fun, parents have little control over what takes place unless they choose to be a leader or coach. “We farm out these things to others and miss some great opportunities to interact with our own children,” Phillips said. But as important as family time is, there is little doubt that the fast-paced American culture makes scheduling such time difficult.
“Just a few minutes playing catch helps children to know that you are involved (and) interested,” Gasaway said. He also noted the importance of intentionality. “Sometimes we get too caught up in trying to find the right way to spend time with our children. The first step in playing with our children is to be intentional about it,” he said. “More than a model, we need intentionality.” He said the first step in being intentional is to find an activity that the family enjoys, and the second step is to minimize concentration on technology and things like texting during family time. He added, “A big part of intentionality is making sure that something is down on the calendar. “Yes, looking for spontaneous times of play is great, but we should also make sure that family recreation happens,” he said.
time over a ‘screen.’ … I think most children would choose playtime with a parent over a computer because they know it’s so much more meaningful,” said Gasaway. “Even though children are different in so many ways today, they still have the same needs as they always have – needs for love, encouragement, meaning, traditions, interaction,” he added. “An Xbox or an iPad can give them a fake experience in many of these, but only parents can give them a true and good experience. They want that. They need that.” Phillips noted that “parents tend to think of quality time versus quantity time,” but he said that children actually want and need both types of time. “Your children may remember some of the unique and special fun things you did together, but they will be relationally transformed by consistently playing and interacting together,” he said. Kizzia admitted spending time together as a family is not easy. “It takes sacrifice, but the reward is worth the effort,” she said.
Phillips offered some practical solutions, such as learning to say, “No”; limiting extracurricular activities; putting down the cell phone; turning off the TV, and making everyone spend time in one room together.
But as many parents know – as if a hectic schedule wasn’t enough of a roadblock – another barrier can be a child’s attitude toward spending time as a family.
“When we strengthen our families, we strengthen our churches and communities.”
Gasaway offered examples of activities parents can do in the midst of their family’s busy schedule.
If only parents had a nickel for each time they heard the modern-day anthem: “Can’t I just play Xbox instead?”
So as you watch your child grow up – from a toddler with scraped knees to a capable teenager graduating high school – don’t forget to take time to build memories and play together as a family.
“Be intentional with conversations in the car,” he suggested. “Make sure that you use the time going to an activity for bonding. Pray together on the way to school. After school, ask some key, open-ended questions to generate conversation.”
Gasaway noted that parents sometimes use technology as a “cop-out.”
He suggested questions like, “Any big happenings today?” “Any high points or low points?” and, “What was the big talk around school?”
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Even helping a child warm up before a sports game is a way to spend time together.
“We like to think that children would much rather spend time with the Xbox or the iPad,” he said. “In my experience, though, any child would jump at the chance to ‘do’ something with their parents if they knew that their parent was ‘doing’ it for them. If we trained our families to enjoy family time more, then they would naturally want that
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“Spending quality time together is important because family is made up of moments. If you don’t take the time, you’re not making moments,” Gasaway said. Jessica Vanderpool is the assistant editor of Arkansas Baptist News. One of her favorite childhood memories was her father taking the time to read to her, beginning with bedtime stories and progressing all the way to chapter books.
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Is there more to life than this? There is… Jesus said, “My purpose is to give them a rich satisfying life.” John 10:10, NLT God loves us and has plans for our lives. “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16, NIV
201 East C Avenue North Little Rock, AR 72116 501.753.3413 www.parkhillbaptist.org Dr. Ken Shaddox Senior Pastor Sunday Mornings at Park Hill Worship Services 8:15 & 10:55 a.m. Bible Study 9:30 a.m.
Our problem is that we have willfully chosen to disobey God (called “sin”). “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23, NIV Though we deserve to be punished for our sin and separated from God, He provided a way for us to be forgiven and changed. “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23, NIV
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ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
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Integrating spiritual truths into everyday life By Garrick D. Conner
“Missionaries are special people who tell people all over the world about Jesus. I think I might want to do that someday.”
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hose were the words of my then 6-year-old daughter, Caroline, as she talked with her mother. Any fear of her actually becoming a missionary in a far-away – and likely dangerous – place is completely erased when I think of how much God loves her. He will protect those He calls to serve – which, of course, doesn’t mean that some of us won’t die. Perhaps the greatest peace I have with God comes from knowing that even when death defeats me in this life, I will still experience eternal life with Him. And as a parent, it is important for us to communicate these spiritual truths to our children. Parenting is one of life’s greatest joys. It is also one of life’s greatest challenges. Raising a family in today’s fast-paced, egocentric society is not easy. It’s no different with families who attend church. In fact, in some regards it may actually be harder, in that there’s another schedule to be coordinated. Regardless of the difficulty involved in the biblical training of our children, failure to do so is simply not an available option for a Christian parent. In his widely acclaimed book, “Transforming Children into Spiritual Champions,” statistician and researcher George Barna speaks to this fact. He says that the default strategy of most Christian parents is to simply relegate
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the spiritual training and development of their children to the church. This is a major problem because, as Barna’s research discovered, a person’s lifelong behaviors and views are generally developed when they are young – particularly before they reach the teenage years. That was certainly true for me, as I came to a saving knowledge of Christ when I was 9. Michelle and I are very blessed. Our son, Jackson, made a decision to follow Christ when he was 6, and I had the great privilege of baptizing him. A couple years ago, our daughter, Caroline, also made a decision to follow Christ at that same tender age, and I baptized her as well. There’s an indescribable joy that comes with the realization that every family member professes loyalty and devotion to Christ. As parents, we believe that the spiritual formation of children should come from a joint partnership between home and church. Indeed, our children have been blessed to have many godly teachers in Sunday school, vacation Bible school, missions groups, etc. Still, under normal circumstances the church has, at most, 200 hours with each child in a year’s time — as compared to more than 3,000 hours parents have with their children. Think about that for a moment. Parents have at least 15 times the number of
FIVE PRACTICAL TIPS hours that the church has – and that’s if the child attends church without missing anything at all. And how often does that happen? Unfortunately, given the hectic schedules parents keep, especially in single-parent and dual-income families, many miss out on the important responsibility of discipling their children. Our culture has reduced parenting to providing care, which is essentially defined as food, clothes, a bed and some quality time. Listen to these words from Tedd Tripp in “Shepherding a Child’s Heart”: “In sharp contrast to such a weak view, God has called you to a more profound task than being a care-provider. You shepherd your child in God’s behalf. The task God has given you is not one that can be conveniently scheduled. It is a pervasive task. Training and shepherding are going on whenever you are with your children. Whether waking, walking, talking, or resting, you must be involved in helping your child to understand life, himself, and his needs from a biblical perspective.” Some of that should sound vaguely familiar to Christian parents, as it is in many ways a paraphrase of this Old Testament passage: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. These words I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Bind them as a sign on your hand and let them be a symbol on your forehead. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (Deuteronomy 6:5-8, HCSB). I can’t emphasize enough just how important parental modeling is in the spiritual development of children. Parents, whether you know it or not, your children are watching you. They’re watching to see if you take God’s name in vain – or let loose a swear word when you stub your toe on the coffee table. They’re listening to see if you gossip about others. They’re looking to see if you flirt with someone when your spouse is not around. Basically, they’re taking notice of whether your faith makes a difference only on Sundays or if you are truly living out your faith all day every day. I’d argue that a Sunday-only faith is worse than no faith at all because it leads children to the unhealthy practice of compartmentalizing their faith rather than applying it to all of life. Garrick D. Conner is discipleship pastor at Park Hill Baptist Church in North Little Rock. He is also a licensed professional counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist. He and his wife, Michelle, have two children, Jackson and Caroline. You can read more of his writings at www.garrickdconner.com.
Obviously, taking your children to church and having family devotions are important for your child’s spiritual development, but I’d like to offer a few practical tips on how to integrate these teachings from Scripture into your family life: 1. PRAY WITH YOUR CHILDREN.
When we pray aloud with our children, they get to see how to approach God. They also come to understand the level of your commitment to God and the depth of your relationship with Him. Prayer is an important part of modeling an essential spiritual discipline. It also affords your child the opportunity to see God answer prayer!
2. ENCOURAGE SPIRITUAL CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR CHILDREN.
The opportunities for such conversations are utterly endless. Whether it’s a conversation about the beautiful weather God has made or a one-sentence prayer for the people involved in a car accident you just passed on the highway, spiritual conversations take the lessons of the church classroom and make them relevant to life in the here-and-now.
3. TALK WITH YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT WHAT THEY LEARNED IN SUNDAY SCHOOL AND WORSHIP SERVICES.
Many adults think children have no real capacity to grasp the points made by the preacher on Sundays. Some people think that if a child is coloring a picture, then that child can’t be listening. That couldn’t be further from the truth! Kinesthetic learners actually focus better when their hands are busy. (That makes me want to distribute coloring books to all the adults on Sunday mornings! Maybe they’d pay more attention then.)
4. SERVE THE LORD WITH YOUR CHILDREN.
There are many ministry activities you can do with your children. You might help tend to your church’s lawn and weed flower beds. Or, you may serve the homeless together at a local shelter. As a pastor, I sometimes take my children to make hospital visits. It’s good for them to see people in need – and the patients always seem to enjoy talking with my children.
5. TEACH YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO SHARE THEIR FAITH.
The best way to accomplish this is by letting them see you share Christ with others. This teaches them that your faith is genuine, and it provides an opportunity for them to hear the gospel message of redemption. From a pastoral perspective, I’ll add that it also helps them understand that evangelism is not just for paid church staffers.
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From heartbreak to joy by Margaret Dempsey-Colson
The darkness of heartbreak, grief and uncertainty descended on our family in an instant. Although the descent of darkness was expected, its intensity was startling.
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Almost immediately following the passing of my husband, the Lord placed this promise on my heart: “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV).
Our now-family of three had descended into heartbreak. While it was natural for our family to experience grief, as the mother to my two precious and hurting children, I knew we couldn’t get ensnared in the grief, unable to break free to live the lives God had created us to live. I knew I had to model God’s love for them, to be their anchor and to wrap them in a warm blanket of acceptance, reassurance and security.
Although our future as a family might not be the Norman Rockwell painting that we had envisioned, our family still had a future, and God was front and center in that future! We dedicated our future to Him. While it was easy to think about the upcoming “big” days, such as weddings or graduations, and focus on the absence of our beloved husband and father, God called us to a future of joy! Cling to God’s promises and the truth of God’s Word. Be assured of His presence and His love, even on the darkest of days.
y husband of 18 years – and the father of my two children, ages 13 and 15 – passed away after a two-year battle with a brain tumor. Although we had witnessed his decline day after day after day, helping him each step on this journey of sorrow, our hearts and spirits reeled as he passed from his earthly home into his heavenly home.
How could we claim the promise of God’s Word: “Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5 NIV)? While not every family will experience the loss of a parent during the children’s formative years, all families will experience pain, heartache and challenges. Where is God during the days of darkness? How can families move forward in faith and love when their worlds are turned upside down? The following suggestions, gleaned from God’s Word, helped our family move forward into the future God had planned for us. The list is not exhaustive. Perhaps as your family experiences times of loss or heartache, these suggestions will be a beginning point for you to faithfully put one sometimes-faltering foot in the front of the other. 18
CLAIM GOD’S promises
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Challenge your children to do a “God’s-promise-search” with you through the Scriptures. Make these promises prominent in your lives, whether that means posting them on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror, putting them into your favorite electronic device or creating your own “promise-a-day” booklet.
BE THANKFUL FOR GOD’S blessings Yes, it is difficult to see God’s blessings through tear-filled eyes. Consider Mary at the tomb of Jesus; she couldn’t even recognize her beloved Savior through her tears. Yet, when she heard His voice, she had no doubt. And, she could not keep silent; she rushed to tell the others about the miraculous blessing she had experienced (John 20:10-18).
In our home, we discussed the blessings of having a father who loved his children, who didn’t suffer pain as his life ebbed away, who was a strong man of faith. The list went on and on. As your children experience heartbreak, help them wipe away their tears long enough to consider God’s blessings. Encourage them to begin a blessing journal, where they are looking for God’s blessings in their lives daily and thanking Him for those blessings and even sharing those blessings with others.
pray From the moment my husband received his diagnosis and dire prognosis, he claimed a particular Scripture to guide him through His journey toward heaven: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7, NIV). My husband had long been a man of prayer, but his illness prompted him to new heights of communion with God. As the Scripture promised, God’s peace stood sentry at the door to his heart and mind. His prayers were a model for the children during his decline and ultimately his passing. Through life’s trials, pray with your children; pray for your children. Celebrate with them as God answers their prayers. Again, a journal is an excellent way to list your prayers and recognize God’s answers.
TAKE TIME TO grieve In today’s instant society, sometimes taking the time to properly grieve is a challenge. Well-meaning friends may want to “hurry you along” or “cheer you up” before you are ready. Individuals grieve differently, even in families. Notice in Scripture, Mary and Martha grieved the loss of their brother, Lazarus, in their own unique ways. When Jesus arrived at their home after the death of their brother, Martha ran out of the house to meet Him, while Mary stayed in the house, seemingly immersed in grief (John 11:20). Grief is a process, and the schedule for this process is as unique as each individual. While we normally think of grief as a natural response to physical death or the loss of someone we loved, it is also a natural response to other types of loss. For example, the death of a relationship, such as in divorce; or the death of a dream, such as an unexpected career shift or a child who didn’t make the team; or the loss of physical capabilities, such as in devastating injuries, all set the stage for a type of grief. A part of grief is acknowledging the loss and determining, “Where do we go from here?” In our season of grief, I reminded the children that the best way to honor their father was to continue faithfully on
the path we had started with him. He would not want us to become immobilized in our grief, unable to move forward. When loss knocks on the door of your home, allow your children to grieve in their own ways and on their own timetables, yet remind them, even in their grief, of the hope that we have in Christ (1 Thessalonians 4:13).
ACCEPT FROM OTHERS; serve OTHERS On the night of my husband’s passing, Christian friends were coming to our home, even at 1 a.m. Their immediate acts of service were many and varied: caring for the dog, washing the car for the funeral procession, bringing in food, making phone calls, helping select funeral attire, offering their homes for relatives coming in. Then, even weeks after the funeral, the acts of service continued: attending the children’s special events, sitting with me at those events, helping pack and give away my husband’s clothing, showing up with mops and wet-vacuums when a water pipe burst and flooded my home three weeks after my husband’s death. Grateful for each of these acts, I learned also that the children and I could serve others. On the days when tempted to think, “Why me?” the children and I would sit in the balcony of our church, looking across the congregation we had come to love. Without exception, each family had experienced its own kind of heartache: the loss of a child, divorce, financial ruin, chronic and debilitating illness. No one was immune from life’s challenges. Rather than thinking, “Why me?” the question became, “Why not me?” God, Himself, did not spare the suffering and death of His Son (Romans 8:32). And, “the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve” (Matthew 20:28, NIV). As we had been served in our hour of need, the children and I rediscovered joy as we served others in their need. On challenging days, encourage your children to turn the focus away from themselves and toward others. Joy comes in serving others.
conclusion The losses of life are never easy. Yet, God’s Word is true, and God is faithful. While life will never be the same following a loss, joy can and does return. As the Scripture teaches, “The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10, NIV). Ten years since their loss, Margaret Dempsey-Colson and her children celebrate the gift of their loved one and seek to honor, with joy, the memory of his faith-filled life each day.
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Confessions of an adoptive couple M by Shawn Hendricks
Photo Credit: Jennifer Hambrick
y wife and I had heard that international adoption would be one of the most difficult and rewarding things we’d ever do. We found that to be true when we adopted our daughter, Laura, from Colombia. We can’t believe it’s been more than five years since we first saw our baby girl, who was 6 months old at the time. She’s grown up so much since then.
relationships and depending on God. Here are five lessons we learned along the way:
Though there were days we wondered if we’d ever become parents, we found that Laura was definitely worth the wait. We can’t imagine our lives without her.
There have been some who have casually mentioned to us that they may like to adopt someday. When we hear this, we wonder if they are serious or just caught up in the idea.
She has truly brought joy to our lives.
One thing we’ve learned through our experience is that there isn’t anything casual about adoption.
Many challenges tested us during our adoption journey. Whoever said adoption wasn’t for the faint of heart wasn’t joking. The process taught us a lot about perseverance, handling disappointment, 20
LESSON 1: ADOPTION TAKES PASSION – AND A LITTLE OBSESSION.
When we first returned to the United States, our daughter received a lot of attention. Most people commented on her black spiky hair and big brown eyes.
The adoption process takes a 100-percent commitment – and then some. Without a passion and a do-whatever-it-takes attitude, we never would have gotten through the
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hours of paperwork, unanswered phone messages, weeks of no new information, personality tests and interviews – not to mention the expense. An adoptive couple needs to have their heart in the process. Without that, they’re wasting their time. There is definitely a romanticized view of adoption. People often seem to see it as a higher calling that only the “chosen few” accept or as a project or opportunity to save the world one child at a time. But that wasn’t what it was about for Stephanie and me. People will comment on how wonderful Stephanie and I are for adopting or how blessed Laura is for being adopted. When I hear this I can’t help but think, “Hey, we’re the blessed ones. We’re just an ordinary couple who wanted to have a child like most people.” For a couple unable to have a biological child, adoption gave us that opportunity.
LESSON 2: ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL. Nothing went the way Stephanie and I expected during our adoption process. There were many times during this journey when we threw up our hands and said, “God, we don’t know what’s going on, but we hope something positive is going to come from all of this.” There were times we felt God had let us down. We occasionally wondered if we were on our own. We wondered why it was so difficult for us to start a family or if we’d ever have one at all. We thought, “God, what purpose could you possibly have for us not being able to have a child?” During the adoption process, we had to complete a home study and one-on-one interviews with our social worker. We were asked many personal questions about our marriage and family. Naturally, there were times we wanted to answer, “This is really none of your business.” It seemed so unfair. Most couples don’t have to go to a counselor’s office and fill out paperwork to start a family, we thought. Why doesn’t their house have to be inspected for safety locks on the cabinets and a fire extinguisher? We had to accept the fact that God had a plan for our lives and Laura’s life – even if it didn’t make sense to us at the moment.
LESSON 3: JUST SMILE AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS – YOU CAN LAUGH ABOUT IT WITH YOUR SPOUSE LATER.
you. They’ll make funny comments. They’ll ask odd questions. And occasionally they’ll ask or say something insensitive. Our personal favorite is, “Why don’t you all want to have a child of your own?” Try to remember that most people are just curious, interested and want to help in their own ways. It’s important to stay composed and answer these questions the best way you can. Getting upset, being rude and storming away won’t help matters. At the end of the day, just go home and talk about it with your spouse. You’ll feel much better and probably be able to laugh about it later. There will always be those who won’t understand why you are adopting. Adoption isn’t for everyone, and that’s OK.
LESSON 4: SUPPORT YOUR SPOUSE. There were times Stephanie and I weren’t at our best with each other. We definitely let the stress of the process get to us at times. There were times I should have been more supportive of her and listened and done more to help. My wife is the organizer and chief of logistics in our household. She has a way of coordinating things so much easier than I do. I often decided to let her tackle most of the details and the bulk of the adoption paperwork. I feared I’d just mess it up and that she’d do a better job. But I know now that wasn’t right. This often left her feeling overwhelmed, alone and frustrated.
When you decide to adopt, you’ll hear it all.
It wasn’t until later into the process that I realized she needed more support; usually she just needed me to be by her side.
People are going to say and ask things that encourage, surprise, frustrate and disappoint
Looking back, we couldn’t have gotten through it without each other.
LESSON 5: IT’S WORTH EVERY CRAZY MOMENT! When we finally welcomed Laura into our home, all of the headaches, tears and frustrations we experienced no longer mattered. As parents, we cherish every moment with Laura – story time, playing at the park, meals and saying prayers every night with her. We look back and are thankful everything worked out exactly the way it did. As I’ve said many times before, we wouldn’t have it any other way. Shawn Hendricks is managing editor of Baptist Press. He and his wife, Stephanie, and daughter, Laura, live in the Nashville area.
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HOME SCHOOLING: A first-person perspective by Doug Hibbard
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arenting is a joyous responsibility. Questions abound about what we should or should not do as parents. One of the most important questions that we answer is about the education of our children. The current era provides more options than even our own parents had, and more options means more confusion at times. I am convinced that it is our responsibility as parents to educate our children intentionally. We should choose between the options available and see our involvement with others as a partnership in educating our children. We should be actively involved in helping our children learn and develop into disciples of Jesus, equipped to face the world in which they live. Looking at the options, we, as Christian parents, are to be obedient to God in our parenting, but there is no direct demand in Scripture that excludes or mandates any of these options. Overall the education of our children breaks down into three possible choices. The first is to use the existing structure of public schools. Some parents default to this without considering other options; others choose to utilize public schools because of the benefits provided. I, personally, graduated from Jacksonville High School here in Arkansas. The second option that many consider for education is a private school. I neither attended nor send my children to a private school, so I will not offer much comment on that option. If 22
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private schools are available in your area, research their benefits and costs before jumping in or discarding that option. My wife and I have taken the third major option available. We have chosen to educate our children at home, commonly referred to as home schooling. I want to offer a first-person perspective of the benefits, as well as the costs, of home schooling, because, while home schooling has gained some traction in recent years, it remains a mystery to many people. The first home-schooling benefit we cite is the ability to personalize the education of our children. Nearly every education professional and every parent recognizes that each child is unique. Home schooling provides parents with the opportunity to meet the needs of kinesthetic learners, visual learners and auditory learners without leaving anyone out. Alongside this benefit comes a critical cost. Parents must invest time in understanding their children and how they learn. To have the benefit, you must pay this cost. There are books and resources, including home-schoolers who have done it before, that can help as you work on this, but it is not automatic. The second benefit we cite for home schooling is flexibility of calendar and schedule. With it comes flexibility of location: We can have school anywhere the children can take a backpack. My wife typically works from home, but occasionally she also needs
FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT HOME SCHOOLING: AA The Arkansas Department of Education’s home school information: www.arkansased.org/divisions/learning-services/ home-schools to go to various conferences and meetings. I have the ability to do much of my work on the road. Our children can come with us. They have found a classroom in spare offices, hotel rooms, conference centers and campgrounds. Further, we have been able to do school inside on rainy days and take time off during pretty weather. We all know that summer in Arkansas has a few weeks of brutally hot temperatures, and home schooling gives us the flexibility to play outside in May and do school in August when the heat is stout. Flexible scheduling lets us slot pool time when the crowds are low and vacations when the crowds are busy elsewhere. On a daily basis, we can shift to catch up on sleep from watching the Olympics or adjust to help friends in crisis. The cost to this is planning. While there are some homeschoolers who use no schedule and no plan, generally homeschoolers and their parents need a plan. Subjects need to be taught, and material needs to be covered. In Arkansas, all students are required to participate in standardized testing in certain grades. Your children need preparation for that testing. Further, you are not doing them any favors by never doing math. This is the largest cost of home schooling. Parents must bring self-discipline to the decision to home-school. Those who choose to home-school need to track whether or not progress is being made toward goals. We keep a planner with subjects and lesson plans, and those are checked off when complete. Every few weeks, we do a progress check and ensure we are actually accomplishing what is necessary. Even with the advantage of the flexibility of schedule and calendar, the discipline of planning to meet goals is vital. The third benefit is that home-schooled children learn to interact with a wide world. Our family visits museums during slow times, giving our children the opportunity to ask lots of questions. In turn, they are asked many! They learn to talk respectfully with teachers, church members, scout leaders, business people and museum guides. They have even spoken respectfully with politicians! This requires, though, that we parents put forth the effort to provide these opportunities. Parents who home-school will need to expend energy to find opportunities for little or no cost or may need to regularly pay for museums or enrichment programs. For those who live in a remote location, it can be harder to stay informed about events. At times, parents of home-schoolers may notice that their children are more comfortable speaking with adults than with their peers. These parents will need to seek additional opportunities for their children to develop peer relationships.
AA For all-around information on home schooling: Home Educating Family Association: www.hedua.com (especially the Homeschool 101 section for getting started) AA Legal information can come from: The Home School Legal Defense Association (www.hslda.com) or from Homeschool Legal Advantage (www.homeschool.ncll.org) AA For information on dealing with attention deficit disorder or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, visit www.sizzlebop.com. AA “Educating the Wholehearted Child” by Clay and Sally Clarkson is a good book. AA “The Way They Learn” by Cynthia Tobias is a good resource for evaluating your children’s learning styles. AA Many areas have home-school cooperatives to help parents with common home-schooling questions or challenges.
These are three of the most significant reasons to home-school and the costs related to them. I have not spoken of how home schooling reinforces faith or instills a passion for lifelong learning, though I see both of those benefits in our home schooling. I recognize that those can come from any school. Home schooling is worth your consideration, but be prepared to wrestle with the pros and cons. See the information box above for resources with more insight, legal information and practical tips for getting started. Doug Hibbard is pastor of First Baptist Church, Almyra.
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WHY YOUR STUDENT SHOULD CONSIDER A PRIVATE CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY by Trennis Henderson
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hoosing just the right college is a huge decision – for students and their parents. Many teens go from the thrill of being campus leaders as high school seniors to the challenge of climbing the ladder once again as college freshmen. Whether you and your future college student are looking for a great academic experience, a close-knit campus community or life-changing opportunities for personal growth, private Christian universities are an excellent option for many families. Here in Arkansas, there are several private colleges with a strong legacy of academic excellence. Arkansas’ Independent Colleges & Universities (AICU) partners with 11 private colleges and universities throughout the state. According to AICU President Rex Nelson, “The 11 institutions we represent are jewels that will play a key role in the development of Arkansas. Though our institutions have only about 10 percent of the total college enrollment in Arkansas, they produce 20 percent of the degrees.” Those statistics speak volumes about private Christian universities’ commitment to excellence and their long-term investment in the lives of incoming students. Ouachita Baptist University (OBU), an Arkansas Baptist university, has a history of academic excellence dating back to 1886. More than 125 years later, Ouachita encourages prospective students to “discover the Ouachita difference – academically, spiritually and personally.” Williams Baptist College, also affiliated with the Arkansas Baptist State Convention, seeks to helps students become “academically, socially and spiritually equipped for the journey of life.”
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EMBRACE A SENSE OF COMMUNITY Why choose a private Christian university education? Ryan James, a 2013 Ouachita graduate, noted that a sense of community is one major benefit. “Being able to build a personal, one-on-one relationship with my professors in small classroom settings allows for greater clarity in the course material, whether sitting in a professor’s office to discuss the material or calling after hours to answer a last-minute question before a test the next day,” James explained. “These personal relationships also provide guidance in the next step after college,” he added. “When I requested letters of recommendation for medical school, I had the assurance that my professors would not come up with a generic letter but one that highlighted characteristics they have seen over the years that would help in the medical field.” The presidents of Ouachita and Williams also are quick to point out the benefits that students gain from a Christian college education. Noting that Ouachita “has a rich history and bright future as a leading liberal arts university in a Christ-centered learning community,” President Rex Horne added that Ouachita “pursues the twin pillars of a love of God and a love of learning. With a 13-to-1
student-to-faculty ratio, our faculty members are dedicated to teaching and mentoring the next generation of difference-makers.”
challenges and opportunities of college life. “When you go to college, you obtain a great amount of independence,” he noted.
According to Williams President Tom Jones, Williams “is committed to producing exceptional graduates prepared to engage local and global cultures through a Christ-centered worldview.”
“While that means more freedom, it also means more responsibility. Learning how to balance both your studies and your social life is hard, but it will make college the most rewarding and fun time of your life.”
He emphasized that Williams students “experience a decidedly Christian liberal arts education marked by the leading of the Holy Spirit, a commitment to God’s Word and a vigilant witness that consistently proclaims Jesus as the hope for a lost world.” COLLEGE AND YOU: WHAT DO YOU PICTURE? Lori Motl, Ouachita’s director of admissions counseling, and her team counsel hundreds of prospective college students each year. “A question I ask students is, ‘When you think about college, what do you picture? Is it you in a science lab, in the dorm with friends or at an athletic event?’ This helps them start thinking about some of their priorities.” One key to keep in mind is that university life encompasses far more than the classroom experience. While academic pursuits are a top priority, other aspects of the college experience include extracurricular activities, international travel opportunities, community service options, student leadership positions, internships, spiritual and personal growth, intramural sports and more.
Reflecting on his four years at a private Christian university, Walter said, “Making connections with your friends, professors, your school and the community makes college special and grows you as a person.” “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth,” counsels 2 Timothy 2:15 (NIV). As you and your teen consider how to most effectively pursue that goal during his or her college years, carefully exploring the many lifechanging benefits of attending a private Christian university is a great place to start. Trennis Henderson has served since 2008 as vice president for communications at Ouachita Baptist University. Trennis, his wife, Pam, and their two daughters all are graduates of private Christian colleges.
“Spending time with other students outside of class helps students develop their social skills and relationships that can be important for career networking in the future,” explained Keldon Henley, OBU vice president for institutional advancement. “Part of students’ development process is learning to prioritize their lives,” he said. “We try to teach our students to make wise decisions and make education their number one priority.”
”I hope to one day serve as an advocate for a human rights organization or pursue a career in public service. I am confident that regardless of what God has planned for me in the future, the leadership skills that I have developed during my time at Ouachita will be invaluable.” BALANCE FREEDOM AND RESPONSIBILITY
Looking for a leading Christian liberal arts university dedicated to a love of God and a love of learning? Come discover the Ouachita difference – academically, spiritually and personally. This could be just the place for you! www.OBU.EdU/adMIssIOns // 1.800.dIal.OBU VIMEO.COM/OBU
Lindsey Fowler, president of Ouachita’s student senate, is a senior political science, business administration and history triple major from Arkadelphia. Through her many student leadership roles, she said, “The communication and strategic problem-solving skills that I have developed in leadership positions during my four years here will be of great value as I graduate and continue in a career. “Regardless of what career path you are considering, communication, problem-solving and organization are going to be characteristics that set you apart,” she affirmed.
Dustin Walter, an OBU senior biology and chemistry double major from Marion, Ark., encourages incoming students to embrace the ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
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by Lynn Sandberg
A
merican families today have access to a host of modern conveniences and advanced technology. It is amazing to consider the innovations of the past 50 years that have made everyday life easier. Everything in the world is available at a touch of a finger.
The media portrays society as evolved – as if technology is what makes life good. I would agree that life is more convenient. I would beg to ask, though, “Are families prospering and happier? Is the average family living the ‘good’ life?” The reality is American families are in trouble – serious trouble. The average American home in this generation is experiencing issues and problems that our grandparents would never have imagined. Christian parents today have an even harder task of raising children for the glory of God. The task of parenting children from infancy to adulthood to love and honor the Lord with their lives has always been a difficult task no matter the generation or decade. There are a many of things to teach children during those formative years that can help bridge the gap from childhood to adulthood successfully. But today’s parents have the added challenge of counteracting ever-invasive secular teachings that fly in the face of sound biblical principles. Traditional Christian values are being challenged in every area. Our children are being exposed to secular teaching that, for many, causes them to question their church upbringing. Children are being exposed to the idea that sexual promiscuity of all types is a social norm. Alcohol and drugs are readily available to school-aged children everywhere. Young teens, especially boys, are susceptible to the lure of pornography and online gambling. Many television shows and computer games teach a host of unbiblical and immoral thinking. The list is long of ways that children can be led away from what they learn at home and in church.
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How can a parent cope and face this challenge in this ever-changing world? How can a mom or a dad remain faithful to the Lord in what I believe is the most important task that we could ever be given – raising children to bring glory to our Lord and Savior? The answer is to go back to the basics. Jesus explained the basics to His disciples one day when they asked Him how to pray. He responded to them in Matthew 6: 9-13. He said, to pray like this:
“Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.” Look in the center of that prayer. Jesus told us to pray that our lives would resemble the way it is in heaven. This includes every aspect of our lives: work, home and personal. That is an amazing statement! If we are going to pursue making our homes heaven-like, how will we accomplish this? This prayer, referred to as the model prayer, begins by calling God our Father. When we learn what He is like and model or pattern our parenting after Him, we will begin the process of creating “a little bit of heaven” in our homes. Through the journey of being a Christian, we come to know God as the ultimate provider and protector. We also experience Him as our teacher. Isaiah 48:17 says, “Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: ‘I am the Lord your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go’” (ESV). Just as God is our teacher, we are to become our children’s teachers. This doesn’t necessarily mean formal education, but we should become engaged in teaching our children the necessary skills to succeed in life. Practically we can teach them how to handle money wisely, how to manage a home, even teach a career-building skill. On the other hand, more subtle things to teach might be the need to be humble, respectful and hardworking. There is so much to teach children in the short time that we have them. Parents need to be busy about the task of instructing and mentoring their children. This not only equips children with necessary skills needed to be successful, but also teaches an important quality of God. They will understand that God is a reliable source to provide answers to life’s problems.
You may be frustrated right now with a child who resists or even refuses instruction. Most homes have at least one child who is independently minded, strong-willed or even defiant. Every child will defy and reject our teaching at some point or another. What will you do about it? Will you stand back and let this child run over you? Or will you take charge of your home and require that the child respect you by listening and accepting instruction? That brings us to the next quality of God our heavenly Father. He is our disciplinarian. Hebrews 12 tells us not to be surprised when we are disciplined by the Lord. The Lord’s discipline proves that He loves us. If we are to emulate Him, then we must not shy away from disciplining our children. It actually proves that we love them. The Lord is sovereign, the master and ruler of the universe. He has called us, likewise, to lead our children by taking charge of our homes. Just as we respect God because He is the Lord of all, we are to teach our children to respect us. God is the standard of righteousness because He is holy. God’s standard comes with consequences for disobedience. As we enforce rules and execute proper punishments, we not only direct our children to be submissive and obedient but also teach them about the holiness of God. Christian parents can counteract the secular views that have become more invasive in our society with every passing decade by staying engaged with their children. Just as the Lord is our teacher, we must actively teach our children in every area of life. Certainly, one of the most important things we need to teach is in regard to our faith. Teach not only what you believe, but also why you believe it. Have many conversations with your children, sharing with them what the Lord is teaching you. Make your faith real and personal. When your children see that you have a vibrant and active relationship with the Lord, they will be inspired to pursue an intimate relationship with Him as well. This generation of parents has their work cut out for them to raise children who love and serve the Lord. It is a tough job but not an impossible one. A key element is getting back to the basics. Christian homes will experience “a little bit of heaven” when parents are committed to teaching their children godly principles and faithfully disciplining them when necessary. Lynn Sandberg is a volunteer chaplain and administrator of the Female Life Learning Program with the Good News Jail and Prison Ministry in Gulfport, Miss. She and her husband have three young adult children. She is also the author of the book and parenting course, “Heaven Brought Home.” For more information, visit the website: www.heavenbroughthome.com.
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HOW TO HELP CHILDREN MAKE WISE DECISIONS by Ben Phillips
I
grew up watching the “Dukes of Hazzard” television show beginning at the age of 10 through my early teenage years. One of the foolish decisions I made as a teenager was trying to imitate how Bo and Luke Duke would slide across the hood of the General Lee to hop in their car and take off. I tried this one evening on the hood of a friend’s brand new truck. I didn’t slide very well. In fact, it was more like a pounce, which left a large indention in the hood of that truck. I compounded that unwise decision with another foolish decision by failing to communicate the incident to my parents. Children have a natural inclination to make foolish decisions into adulthood unless parents help them learn to make wise decisions. My parents eventually found out and let me just say, they helped me gain some wisdom from that mistake. 28
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Most parents want to see their children do well, succeed in life and make wise decisions. This does not happen by accident. Proverbs 22:6 (KJV) says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” This involves much more than taking your child to church once a week and hoping for the best. Training takes discipline, consistency and perseverance on the part of the parent every day in the context of the home. Several passages in Proverbs illustrate the importance of both Dad and Mom being involved in the process of teaching wisdom (Proverbs 1:8-9, 4:1-9, 6:20-22). The following ideas will guide you down the right path to help your children navigate the trail of W.I.S.D.O.M.
W
isdom begins with fear and draws one near (Proverbs 9:10)
Parents, if your children are to gain wisdom and make wise decisions, then it has to start with you first gaining wisdom and making wise decisions, modeling the way before them. Teach them about who God is at home consistently. They need to know that God is holy and loving. They need to know that God is revealed in the Trinity (God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit). Teach them about who they are. They are loved by God. They are also sinners in need of a Savior. Jesus is God who died on the cross and rose from the dead so that they could have a relationship with God and spend eternity in heaven. Share the gospel with them regularly. Don’t be afraid to discuss heaven and hell with them. In addition to teaching them at home, take them to church consistently. By doing this you teach them how important it is to hear God’s Word taught, preached and sung.
and talk to walk the walk I nstruct (Proverbs 6:20-22) There are over 40 references in Proverbs about the “son” which illustrates how parents must consistently and repetitiously teach their children. Parental teaching involves formal as well as informal times through the natural rhythms of day-to-day family life. Read Scripture together. This will be easier to start when they are young. As they grow older, then teach them how to read, understand and apply Scripture on their own. Read one chapter of Proverbs on each day of the month. Focus on discussing just one specific Proverb each day. One creative strategy to engage children is to draw a stick figure picture of a Proverb and encourage them to read through the chapter to see if they can discover which Proverb you are trying to illustrate. Encourage them to draw a picture of a Proverb and then you look for the one they are illustrating. Engaging your children in creative ways about wisdom from Proverbs will help them in their decisionmaking journey.
wise counsel to be wise S eek (Proverbs 15:22) Help your children learn to seek wise counsel in order to be wise. Encourage them to always start with Scripture and gain God’s perspective on decisions they need to make (Psalm 1). Encourage your children to ask you for wisdom and see that God has provided you as a parent to protect and provide for them. Peers often wield significant influence on each other. Therefore, it is critical that you help your children learn how to choose godly friends over and above choosing popular friends. If their best friends are godly children walking consistently with Christ, then their influence will likely be in the right direction. As they age, then encourage them to ask
some of your godly adult friends for wisdom in the decisionmaking process. Take the opportunity to share about some of the decisions you have made in the past – good and bad. You don’t have to share all the details about bad decisions, just enough to communicate it was an unwise decision. Be discerning about how much to reveal to your children depending on their ages. Share some of your success stories and how God blessed when you carefully sought wise counsel and made wise decisions.
to graduate D elegate (Proverbs 1:1-33) Parents should make most of the decisions for their children very early in life. Young children do not have the knowledge and experience to make wise decisions. Gradually teach them and delegate more frequent decisions as they mature. Enable them to make most of their own decisions one to two years before they graduate from high school so that they can make them under your watchful care. Occasionally allow them to suffer the consequences of some foolish decisions as long as it does not endanger them or others. Unfortunately, many teens are not allowed to make many decisions because of authoritarian parents. These teens tend to exploit their newfound freedom with unwise decisions when they leave home. Children who have made wise decisions and been affirmed – and who have made foolish decisions and learned from them – will be more likely to continue making wise decisions on their own once they graduate and leave the nest.
to memorize O rganize (Proverbs 4:1-4) Proverbs 4 paints the picture of three generations (grandfather > father > son) who have passed along wisdom, resulting in multigenerational faithfulness. Memorizing Scripture consistently in your family and passing along wisdom will take some organization and much intentionality. One of the effective ways this happens is to memorize key Scriptures together and review them over and over. Memorize the Ten Commandments. It will give you a short list of key commandments to help your children make many wise decisions. Involve your children in memorizing a variety of verses that will help them to resist temptation when it comes. Jesus modeled how important this was in Matthew 4. There are many passages in God’s Word that make it crystal clear what God’s will is. Focus on these first, and then deal with the gray areas later.
so they don’t wobble M odel (Proverbs 24:32) Throughout the book of Proverbs there is a continual contrast between the wise and the foolish. The wise make good decisions, and the foolish make bad decisions. Each receives corresponding rewards or consequences. (continued on next page) ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // SPRING • SUMMER 2014
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Here’s the process I went through in training my oldest child before I granted her a Facebook account. This process or something similar can be used in other areas besides making a decision about Facebook.
A. IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM OR ISSUE AT HAND. •• Child identifies positive aspects about Facebook and the Internet.
RESOURCES TO HELP PARENTS
•• Child identifies problem aspects about Facebook and the Internet. •• Parent and child together discuss these and add additional thoughts.
B. DISCOVER AND DISCUSS HOW GOD’S WORD PROVIDES WISDOM. •• Child identifies Bible verses that will help him or her make wise decisions when spending time on Facebook and the Internet.
“Parenting with Scripture: A Topical Guide for Teachable Moments” by Kara Durbin “Hear, My Son: Teaching and Learning in Proverbs 1-9” by Daniel Estes
•• Parent identifies additional verses and passages of Scripture. •• Child identifies the additional principles and points of application from these verses that will help him or her make wise decisions when spending time on Facebook and the Internet.
“The 3,000-Year-Old Guide to Parenting: Wisdom from Proverbs for Today’s Parents” by Wes Haystead
•• Parent and child together discuss these principles and application points.
“Raising Wise Children: Handing Down the Story of Wisdom”
C. MAKE A WISE DECISION. •• Parent grants permission for child to sign up for a Facebook account.
by Mark Matlock
•• Parent has password access to child’s account and monitors regularly.
D. EVALUATE AND CONTINUE TO LEARN FROM THE FRUIT OF THE DECISION. •• Parent looks for opportunities to affirm child’s use of Facebook when used in a positive way and disciplines that child appropriately when Facebook is used inappropriately.
Young Family Ministries
•• Make adjustments as necessary. Adequate training occurs on a frequent basis in the home with parents teaching their children, which will ultimately equip children to fear God, walk the path of wisdom and help avoid the path of folly throughout the rest of their lives. Ben Phillips serves the Arkansas Baptist State Convention and engages churches and parents to build faith @ home. He and his wife are in the process of training their three children to make wise decisions.
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Cabot - TRAVIS YOUNG
501-259-0704 youngfamilyministries@hotmail.com
YOUNG
Young Family Ministries exist to proclaim the Gospel to children and their families in a FAMILY MINISTRIES dynamic and compelling way. In 2013, YFM ministered to 10K+ kids through over 80 Biblically saturated evangelistic presentations at Camps, VBS, School Assemblies, Gospel Illusion Shows, Harvest Revivals and Children’s Ministry Consulting across 7 states.
www.youngfamilyministries.com
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