IT’S TIME TO HAVE ‘THE TALK’ ABOUT RACISM

While many, if not most, African American parents must address the issue of race and racism early and often, if you are not a minority or raising minority children, you may not have talked to your child about this difficult topic. However, recent stories about police brutality and protests may force your hand.

The good news is that while the concept of race and racism can be difficult to explain, this is the perfect opportunity to contribute to the shaping of a society in which equality is a reality versus an ideal to aspire to.

If your child is a toddler or preschooler, keep things simple. “At this age, children don’t know about race. Their main concerns are who treats them nice and who they like to play with. Explain that some people judge others based on how they look instead of how they are inside,” said Greg Young Sr., psychiatric therapist and licensed master social worker at The BridgeWay. Young has worked in the mental health field for three decades and specializes in adolescent care.

If your child is a minority, he said, it’s important that you begin to teach your child to have pride in and understand the beauty of their skin and individuality, the value of humanity and the concept of equality.

If your child is not a minority, he offers this advice: “There’s an old saying: ‘Charity begins at home,’ so begin by discussing your family values. Children adopt their parents’ values. As they are exposed to others, situations and reality, they’ll evaluate and assess those values, and develop and act on their own feelings.”

“Be certain to discuss diversity, that people come in all shades and shapes, but that everyone is created equal. It’s OK to explain that some people do mean things to try to hurt people who look different. Be sure to explain that words hurt and stress that prejudice is unacceptable.”

Young suggests explaining things with scenarios. “For instance, you might say, ‘You can be friends with everybody. Just because Bobby doesn’t like James/Jamesa, doesn’t mean you cannot be friends with him/her.’” This type of discussion helps combat peer pressure, he said. Parents, you’ll also want to make note of and control what your child consumes. “You’ll also need to be aware of other influences such as social media. Remember, racism and hatred are taught. Some research has shown that children as young as 4 [can reflect these attitudes].”

Young also suggests asking open questions such as what are your friends talking about? What do you know so far?

How do you feel about what you’ve seen online or in the news? “Establish an open dialog, and give your child room to express his concerns and to ask questions,” he added.

Unfortunately, there’s a good chance your child may have witnessed someone being bullied—or he may have been the victim of bullying—due to mental health challenges, colorism, classism, racism, obesity or physical differences directly, or he may have witnessed a peer being treated differently. Talk about how he may choose to react, and act out the scenario.

Will your child: Do nothing? Intervene to help the victim? Confront the offender? Report the offense to someone in authority? If the offender is a person of authority, should he tell you and if so, what will you do?

“If your child is a minority and a victim of racism, talk about his feelings. Give him room to vent. He may be angry, frustrated and/ or hurt. He may feel helpless and disappointed. Next, strategize. Talk about how he should react to the unfair treatment, and always keep the lines of communication open,” Young said. “And parents, it’s vitally important that you stress his priority, first and foremost, is to stay safe!”

“If your child is older, talk about recent events and discuss the history of discrimination, share your personal experiences and be open about what’s going on,” he added.

If you’re not a minority and feel ill-equipped to discuss the matter, begin by talking about injustice and unfairness in general. Do some research, reach out to a member of the clergy or a local advocacy group, and if available, utilize your employee assistance program to deal with the emotional aspects, which may include sadness, guilt or overwhelming empathy.

“If your children are teens, they’ll ‘hear’ what you do as well as what you say. So, if you’re speaking about diversity, be sure you’re living it: Are your friends of various ethnicities? Teach and model empathy,” Young said. “If you find you’ve not done a good job of living your beliefs, change your own behavior. Speak up, and become an ally for others.”

No matter your child’s age, be certain you stress your values— especially if your parents or previous generations’ thoughts are less tolerant.

“You cannot be afraid to talk about racist beliefs and behaviors of the past. Kids hate fake ideas,” Young added.

Lastly, remember, it’s OK to say, “I don’t know.” Do some research, and prepare yourself—most difficult topics require more than one conversation. Racism, prejudice and injustice aren’t resolved overnight, and a conversation about them warrants more than one discussion.

A Reality Check

It’s important that you speak to your children about racism and discrimination—even if you’re not a minority. Before you begin the discussion, do an internal check. Many times, we make judgments about others based on images in the media, and categorize an entire group based on interactions with one individual of that group. Additionally, we may have been taught biases by our family members.

Think about your life. Do you regularly interact, in social settings, with people whose ethnicities, religious beliefs and/ or sexual orientations differ from your own? Or do all your friends look like you? Do you jump to conclusions regarding others’ interests, education, family dynamics, vocations and personalities based on their outer appearances? If so, it’s probably time to expand your world.

Looking for ways to teach your child acceptance or for ways your older child can become informed? Check out these books.

Books to Read:

Ages 0 to 3

“Antiracist Baby” by Ibram X. Kendi

“We’re Different, We’re the Same” by Bobbie Kates

Ages 3 to 8

“It’s OK to Be Different: A Children’s Picture Book About Diversity and Kindness” by Sharon Purtill

Ages 4 to 8

“All Are Welcome” by Alexandra Penfold

“Teach Your Dragon About Diversity” by Steve Herman

Ages 8 to 12

“Something Happened in Our Town: A Child’s Story About Racial Injustice” by Marianne Celano and Marietta Collins

“Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness” by Anastasia Higginbotham

Books for Action:

“The Youngest Marcher: The Story of Audrey Faye Hendricks, a Young Civil Rights Activist” by Cynthia Levinson, Ages 5 to 10

“This Book Is Anti-Racist” by Tiffany Jewell, Ages 10 to 17

Books That Express Pride:

For Young Readers:

“The Undefeated” by Kwame Alexander

“I Am Every Good Thing” by Derrick Barnes

“Woke Baby” by Mohogany L. Brown (0 to 3 years)

“Dream Big, Little One” by Vashti Harrison

“We Rise, We Resist, We Raise Our Voices” Edited by Wade Hudson and Cheryl Willis Hudson

“A is For Activist” by Innosanto Nagara

For Older Readers:

“Say Her Name” by Zetta Elliott

“What Lane” by Torrey Maldonado

“Riot Baby” by Tochi Onyebuchi

“Citizen” by Claudia Rankine

“Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix of the National Book Award-Winning Stamped From the Beginning” by Jason Reynolds

“Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry” by Mildred Taylor“Punching the Air” by Ibi Zoboi and Yusef Salaam