Ask the relationship expert

Qresponsible for the relationship? Was that last week or last year or longer? What did you do back then?

I’ma28-year-oldwomanwhoismiserable inmymarriage.IfeellikeI’mholdingall theresponsibilitytomakeourrelationship workandamaloneineverything.How doItellmyhusbandthatIwantadivorce?

Sorry to hear you’re in an unhappy and lonely place. The answer to your question is pretty simple: four little words. “I need a divorce”.

The more interesting question, however, is, “How did I get to this place in my relationship?” When you first felt overly

I have worked with hundreds of couples. Invariably, despite good intentions, they do things that actually sabotage a relationship, not help it. When unhappy, they criticise each other, tell each other where they are failing, doing something wrong.

ATypically, when someone is on the receiving end of criticism, being told they are wrong or failing, they then go into defence mode. They explain and justify why they did what they did. The first partner thinks, “They’re just not getting it” so they repeat their criticisms, louder, longer, harder. The second partner feels more attacked, more misunderstood and becomes more defensive. Around and around they go in an exhausting cycle. They each begin to resent the other, they become more distant, drift apart, give up, surrender to the stalemate. Couples therapy teaches people how to communicate what they need, not what is going wrong. It sounds so simple but most of us have not learnt this. When we first hear this simple message – “Tell them what you need not what they are doing wrong” – it sounds too good to be true. When I first learnt this I thought, “What a load of …”

But it works, not to stop arguments but to help people feel heard in an argument. That is half the battle.

So if you have been in criticism mode, then switch to telling them what you need from them. One last point. I’ve seen people leave one unhappy marriage, not learn this simple skill and guess what? The same thing happens in the next. Stop repeating stuff that doesn’t work. Learn to voice what you need.

Acriticism is involved, on average people only listen for 17 seconds.

RecentlyIhadanaccidentinvolvingthe dogandchickensinthegarden,andbroke mylegandankle.I’mnowbedriddenand recoveryisexpectedtotakesixmonths. Mypartneroftwoyearshasn’tbeenmuch help:heplaysgameswithhisheadphones onalldayandcan’thearmeifIcallfor help,andtherehavebeendayswherehe won’tprepareanyfooduntillate afternoon.I’m38yearsoldbutit’sgotten tothepointwhereI’vehadtoaskmymum toflydowntolookaftermeuntilI’mmore mobile.WhatshouldIdoaboutmy partner?Ifeellikethiscouldbeabreaking pointinourrelationshipifhecan’tstepup.

QThat’s a bugger about your leg and ankle. Six months is a long time to be incapacitated.

I guess my first thoughts are about what you have said to your partner about needing help. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had couples or families in a session and one person says “I’ve been asking for years” and the other person says “I’ve never heard that before”. How can this be?

Turns out that how we deliver the message is key. If we deliver it in a critical manner, people shut down, literally. There is research that our hearing is less when messages are delivered in a critical manner. Other research says that if a

Messages for help need to be delivered in terms of feelings and needs. For example “I’m in pain. I need you to make me some food” rather than “Can’t you see that I can’t walk? Don’t you think I might be hungry?”

I guess I’m also wondering when your partner is missing in action, what have you done? What I hear is that you found your own solution; your mother. But what does that teach your partner? I wonder if it teaches him that, yes, you might complain or state your needs but if he ignores you long enough, you will find a solution? Being a couple is about collaborating on solutions. Anything that affects the relationship, needs to have both of you involved in any resolution.