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BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

By Arnold D. Herman

Revised and Reprinted 2003 & 2005

Experience Counts Inc. -

P.O. Box 14

Keansburg, NJ 07734

Website: Experiencecountsinc.org

1 INDEX

Verbal Communication Written Communication Off The Record Communication Using Humor To Communicate Third Party Communication How To Be A Good Role Model Keeping Your Teenager In School How To Say "No" Without Getting An Argument Teaching Your Teen The Value Of Being Trusted Ways To Prevent Your teen From Lying Starting Over As "Day One" With Your Teenager Deciding On Appropriate Consequences When

Rules Are Broken Teenage Proofing Your Home Do Not Try To Buy Your teenagers Love Helping Your Teens Pick The Right Friends What To Do When You Suspect Your Teen Is

Sexually Active The Importance Of Picking Your Fights Surviving Sibling Rivalry Fighting The War On Drugs At Home Parenting Adult kids Avoiding The First Steps Towards Abuse When Is It Time To Get Tough With YourTee~ager

Summmy

Acknowledgement I am able to give instructions on advanced parenting techniques because of what I have learned. My teachers were the 32 teenagers who were part of our family during the past 30 years. For aU the good times, and even the bad times, I want to express my sincere thanks to each and every one ofthem I also owe a gift of gratitude to the fonner teens that assisted me in presenting workshops and seminars to numerous groups of parents, teenagers and professional workers. There were many of them throughout the years. So I will limit my naming to the ones currently assisting me, Tiffany McMillon and Bernadette Richmond, whose volunteer efforts are greatly appreciated. To Kellie Ayers, who took time out路 of her busy schedule to edit this book, and Alexis N. Kirkland who designed the cover, I am extremely grateful. 路Last, but in no way least, I want to express my thanks, and my love, to my wife Joyce. A very special wife and mother, who stuck with me through the last 33 years, as we parented, struggled with, and succeeded in, the raising of some extremely tough teenagers.

3 INTRODUCTION

Bring back the woodshed is a book that should be read by every parent dealing with teenagers. While giving seminars and workshops to thousands of parents over the past seven years, I was surprised to learn how well the methods I presented were received. But, I was even more amazed to discover how many parents were frustrated by the routine responsibility of raising teenagers. Years ago parenting was a lot simpler. The mother and futher set the rules and the children obeyed them. But a long period of h"beral methods of parenting has brought about an era where teenagers are often running the show, and parents are spending more time battling with their children then they are guiding them. Bring Back The Woodshed is a book that reveals the advanced parenting techniques I teach to parents and professionals. These techniques would not normally be fOWld in any other book, or suggested by psychiatrist, therapists or counselors. Many of the techniques are unique and have been developed over the period of time during which my wife and I raised multiple teenagers including some of the toughest abused youngsters placed in foster care in the State ofNew Jersey. The information contained in this book addresses the most common problems parents face as their children reach the teen years. Solutions are advanced not on what may sOWld good in theory, but rather what has worked consistently for us while dealing with difficult teenagers. The parenting tips contained in this book will be valuable fur many years. Although times and accepted methods of raising teenagers change with each generation there are basic techniques that will always be useful.

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This is not just a "how to" book. It is spiced with actual situations that explain how successful parenting techniques were discovered, tried and tested on multiple teenagers. What you will read will not just be informative, but entertaining as well. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Arnold D. Herman and his wife have raised a total of 32 teenagers. Five were their own children. Twenty-two were foster children placed in their home by the New Jersey Division of Youth & Family Service (DYFS Agency). The New Jersey Family Court System gave him custody of two others. Another was a neighborhood girl who came to spend a weekend, and stayed two and one-half years. The remaining two were related teens who were not doing well in their own home. Twenty-eight of the teens were female. Most of them were hard to handle abused youngsters who had been in multiple foster homes and residential placements before coming to his home. Mr. Herman has written advice columns for various weekly newspapers under the heading of ''Dealing with Parents and Teens," and magazine articles on methods of communicating with teenagers. He has also authored a book detailing his experiences raising foster teenagers titled, "In Crisis With DYFS." He presently is director of a non-profit child abuse prevention organization and his duties include presenting workshops and seminars on Advanced Parenting Techniques for professionals and parents ofteenagers.

CHAPTER ONE

VERBAL COMMUNICATION. We parents all know how we communicate with our teens. We talk to them. Then when we feel that is not working, we yell at them. Well folks that doesn't work either. The only thing you accomplish by yelling at a teen is that you will get a sore throat if you do it long enough. Teenagers have the same ability to turn off the screaming of an adult, as we parents have to tune out the loud noise that comes from their boom box when they are sent to their room. That is not to indicate that talking to your teen cannot be effective. Doing so successfully however requires three factors, timing, location and method of delivery. The timing may vary with different teens. I have found that the best time with most of them is immediately after they come home at night. That way their day is behind them and they have no scheduled activities to deal with other then getting ready for bed. The morning is generally not a good time because they have to get ready for school. After school is not nonnally the best because they have just got away from six hours of listening to teachers. Following dinner not good as most teens are anxious to get on with whatever plans they have for that evening. That leaves the time that they return at night as the best period in most cases. There is nothing wrong with advising them in advance of your desire to talk with them. By telling your son or daughter before they go out that you want their presence when they return so you can discuss some things with them, they are aware that you want their undivided attention when they return. The best place

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

to communicate verbally will depend on your family situation. If you only have one teen in the house you can probably communicate very easily in your home, providing you eliminate all distraction such as telephone calls, television programs, etc. However if your home has a number of kids, or adult activity, you might be better off taking the conversation out of the house. I have bad some of the best conversations with my teens sitting in the parking lot of a convenience store. On many occasions I have notified a teen that we were going to take a ride to get a soda and coffee and then we sat in the store's parking lot for a half hour or more talking about a situation that needed to be discussed. The major advantages of such a move are there are no interruptions, and the teen cannot walk away from the discussion. You basically have a captive audience. The method of delivery is very simple. Talk in a very normal voice. It is not necessary to yell or scream. Telling a teen that you are displeased with their action in a normal voice has as much effect as yelling and screaming the message to them. What you say has much more impact then the tone you use. Additionally, a calm normal voice shows that you are in control, and it is important that you be so despite how concerned or angry you may be. When it is necessary to have a major discussion with several teens in your home, a family meeting is often the way to go. This is particularly effective when the teens are feuding with each other or misbehaving as a group. Normally my wife or I would call such a meeting, however we have allowed our teens to instigate such a group conversation. Most times these meeting took place right after dinner, because all the teens were required to be home to eat that meal. If! called for a family meeting I would have my say first, then allow each other family member a chance to respond. The rules for a productive family meeting are simple. Only one participant taiks at a time,

Chapter 1

and every one gets their chance to say their piece. The meeting continues for as long as necessary to resolve the problem. If a teenager wants to communicate with a parent, timing is important also. The right time is anytime the teen wants to talk. Of course, there are times when a parent just cannot break into their schedule. When that occurs, the answer is to inform the teenager of a definite time when you will be available, and be sure to set aside that period to listen to them WRITTEN COMMUNICATION. A number of years ago I got into a verbal argument with a 14-year-old foster girl in my home. As the confrontation continued the youngster began to get really nasty with her comments. Deciding that the conversation was beginning to get out of control, I said strongly that I did not want to hear another word. The youngster then stated just as strongly, "Okay then I will not talk to you at all," and she stormed away. Deciding to not let her have the final words I shouted back to her. "Well then you better learn how to send smoke signals, because sooner or later you are going to want something from me." I went off to a meeting shortly afterwards. When I returned later that evening there was a note for me on the kitchen table. It read: Dad,

I need $12.00 for school pictures tomorrow. That is if. you want to have pictures g[ me. Also need $2 for lunch. Please leave thatfor me Monica

I took fourteen dollars out of my wallet and placed it on the table. Then I scribbled on the bottom of her note,

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Monica. Here is lunch and picture money. Be sure to save me an 8xlO photo. I might want to hang it on my dartboard Love, Dad The next day when I arrived home from work there was a four-page hand written letter lying on my desk. I opened it and read it carefully. The letter was from Monica and it contained page after page ofhate. She stated that she hated me, she hated her foster mother, she hated the house, she hated the schoo~ she hated the other kids in our house, she hated the neighborhood and she hated our dog. I threw the letter down and put it out of my mind for the next few hours. Later that night I picked it up, reread it and typed a reply. I started off by telling her that if she wanted to hate me she would have to take a number and get in line. I also told her that it was okay if she wanted to hate me because with all she had been through I could understand that she was carrying a lot of anger. I continued by saying I was really sorry that she felt that way, because I really loved her. I went on to respond to each of her statements, pointing out to how she was misdirecting her anger towards the wrong people. I concluded by mentioning that if she also hated Ranger then maybe I should not let the dog sleep at the foot of her bed every night as she coached him to do. I then placed the note on her dresser after she went to bed. The next evening there was just a short note on my desk informing me that she didn't really hate Ranger, and asking me to please not prevent him from sleeping in her room. I scribble the letters "O.K." on the bottom of her note and handed it to her without comment. Monica and I went almost five weeks without saying one word to each other.... But, we still communicated. She wrote me letters; she left me notes, and even got me a

Chapter 1

''thinking of you" card once. We even developed our own type of sign language for simple requests. For example, she would point to herself and then the door to ask if she could go out. I would hold up the number of fingers to indicate what time I wanted her back home by. Then just short of the end of the fifth week of not talking, Monica wrote on the bottom of a note, "P.S. I'll talk to you now if you would like." We started talking to each other again. Now on the surface it might seem ridiculous to go almost five weeks without talking to a teenager in your home. But, during that period of time we had accomplished two very important things. One, by communicating in writing, Monica and I had avoided any possibility of an angry face-to-face confrontation that might have escalated into an abusive situation if one of us lost our cool. Two, we established that written communication is a very effective way for a parent to talk to teens. A note or letter cannot be misinterpreted. Unlike verbal conversation where there may be a question afterwards as to exactly what was said, words on paper can be re-examined if a dispute arises as to the statements made by either side. It also allows for the possibility that an angry teen will crumble up the message and toss it in a waste paper basket, only to retrieve it later and then read it. I have never had another teen refuse to talk to me since Monica, but I .have used written communications in various degrees with every teenager in our home. Particularly when I wanted to get a point across without allowing a teen the opportunity to engage in a loud verbal argument. However, it wasn't always used to voice criticizing. At times I would write a short note praising the action of a teen for something they did, and place it on their dresser. I even discovered that a few of them saved those notes and still have them even years after they became adults.

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CHAPTER TWO OFF THE RECORD COMMUNICATION. A number of years ago a local police officer knocked on my door and informed me that he had a warrant for my teenage son's arrest. When I inquired as to what the boy had done I was told that he received a speeding ticket that he didn't pay. The court sent him two notices to appear, and when he ignored them also the judge issued a warrant for his arrest. Following the officer's instruction, I drove my son to police headquarters where he was finger printed and a mug shot taken. Then I left a $50 bond to assure his appearance in court and he was allowed to leave. Several days later I went with him to court and shelled out $120 for what would have been a $35 fine if he had paid it on time, because the judge had added warrant and court charges onto the fine. On the way back home I asked him sternly why didn't he pay the ticket when it was due? ''Because I didn't have the money." he answered. "Why didn't you ask me for the money?" I asked. "Because I knew you would hit the roof if I told you I got a speeding ticket." That night I laid in bed and couldn't get to sleep. I was extremely angry with my son. Why in the world couldn't he come and tell me he got a speeding ticket. I would much rather had given him $35 then, as opposed to having to shell out $120 today. The more I thought about it the angrier I became. Sure, I would not have been happy if he told me he got a ticket, and I wasn't about to agree with his assessment that I would have went through the roof What the hell was wrong with that kid, I kept asking myself? Then suddenly a thought occurred to me. Am I

Chapter 2

angry with the wrong person? If my son cannot tell me he received a speeding ticket, is it his fault or mine? After considering that question for路 a few minutes I concluded that it could not possibly be my fault. I worked as a newspaper reporter and people many of them strangers talk to me all the time. In fact, I had succeeded in breaking a number of investigative stories because I got people to talk to me. Then it hit me. Yes, people talk to me. But, they often do so only after I assure them that our conversation is "off the record." That way they can talk to me without fear that there will be any reprisals from the information they give during our conversation. I jumped out of bed, sat at my desk, and scribbled down some notes so I would not forget my idea. The following evening I sat at our kitchen table with Joyce and six teenagers and we designed an "off the record" agreement. It became a technique that I also extended to every teen to enter our home from that day on, and the results have been phenomenal. The rules for going off the record are very simple. They are also very stringent. If a teen requests to talk to me "off the record" and I agree, I am promising in advance that what ever they tell me will be completely forgotten when we go back "on the record." That means that I cannot punish them or hold against them anything they told me during that conversation. Also I cannot bring it up once we are back "on the record." I could not forbid them to go over to a friends house based on information they told me off the record, about the last time they were there, when other teens present were drinking alcohol or smoking marijuana In other words it is like the conversation never took place. There were three rules that a teen had to adhere to if they desired to talk to me "off the record." They could only do so if the situation they wanted to discuss was one that I would not learn of without them telling me. For example, they could not request to go "offthe record" and

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

then tell me at they would be getting a bad report card next week. I would learn of that next week anyway. Or, they could not tell me off the record that they were caught shoplifting at the local supermarket and the store manager planned to call me that evening. Because again, I would find out about that without them telling me. The second rule was that they had to be completely honest with me while talking off the record. There was to be no telling me part of the story while leaving out other parts. The third, they could not go off the record with me about the same offense more then once. Since the "off the record" agreement has been used at one time or another by every teen in our home I have heard some horrible stories. However~ in many cases I was able to resolve a situation while we were off the record. An example follows. It involved a 16-year-old living in our home who came to me one surruner evening.

"Dad, I need to talk to you. " She said. "Okay, daughter. I'm listening". "But I need to talk to you offthe record. " "Okay daughter we are off the record. Now what's the problem?" "Well... Uh ... You know how hot it's been lately. I kind'a went out last night after you and Mom went to bed... And... I went to the beach. " "WHAT. You snuck out ofthe house last night? "Yes, Dad. " "Well I guess I'm going to have to start getting up at night and making bed checks again. " "You won't have to do that Dad. I'm not going to sneak out anymore ... But there's something else I have to tell you. " "More. Go ahead, I'm listening. " "Well... You know the beach is almost two milesfrom here. 1, well... I kind'a took your car to get there.

Chapter 2

"Huh! YOU TOOK MY CAR. ARE YOU INSANE? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE. " "But I am taking Drivers Ed in school. Think ofit as like me doing homeworkfor that class. " "I can't believe it. You took my car last night. " "Actually Dad, I took it last Monday, Tuesday, Thursday & Friday nights. " "Monday, Tuesday, Thurs ... WHAT HAPPENED TO WEDNESDAY? " "It rained that night... Remember Dad we are offthe record" "I know. And while we are off the record I'm going to let you in on two secrets. One, I am going to check your room periodically at night. Two, I am going to jot down the mileage on my car's speedometer when I park it at night. If you move one inch out ofyour room, or my car moves one-tenth of a mile from our driveway, you are going to be in very serious trouble. Do you understand me?" Yes Dad I'm really sorry. Can we please go back on the record now? " "Okay daughter. Just remember what I toldyou. " "Yes Dad I will. I promise. " Now since I could not punish Lisa because our conversation was "off the record," the first thought is that she got away with something terrible. Although that may be true, let's examine what occurred here. If she hadn't told me that she was sneaking out and taking my car I would not have been aware of it. If I wasn't aware of it the following week she might have done it again. Maybe the next time she would have gotten in an accident. She might have injured herself or someone else. She might have even killed herself or someone else. Obviously she would have never told me without our "going off the record" agreement. She probably suspected that once I was told U

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

what had been occurring, I would find a way to stop it So yes she got away with it and escaped punishment. But, she would have done that anyway,. since I had no clue what was going on. It goes without saying that some of the things I have heard from teens during "off the record" conversations have been disturbing. Many times I almost wished that I didn't allow that agreement. However, I believe that if I had a teenager with a problem, the fact that I didn't know about it did not change the fact that the situation existed. It was better that I knew, and perhaps be able to help rather then hide my head in the sand and pretend no problem existed if I wasn't aware of it. It was also possible for me to initiate an "off the record" conversation with the teenager. I have done that on a number of occasions to check out a rumor I have heard. If I asked a teen to go "off the record" with me the same rules applied. After the talk was over, we both were required to forget we had it, and there could be no reprisals as a result of the conversation. The only exception that could cause me to violate the agreement would be if a teen told me that they planed to kill themselves, or someone else. Obviously, in that case I would have to take action to prevent the action. The "off the record" agreement will only work as long as both sides hold to the rules. Not every parent can listen to some of the things they will hear without violating their end. Once a parent violates the agreement it will no longer be effective. So I suggest that if you are considering entering into this agreement with your teen be sure that you are prepared to stick to the rules. When used correctly, the "off the record" agreement opens up a communication method between parent and teenager that is as effective as it is unique.

CHAPTER THREE USING HUMOR TO COMMUNICATE. With a little imagination humor can be another way to communicate with your teenager. Bridgette was a l7-year足 old living in our home who was a super slob. I would often tell her to get her room cleaned up, only to have her move her mess from one comer to another, or else shove it under her bed. She also had a telephone in her room, and since socializing was so very important to her I would often answer that phone when she was out of the house. Nonnal1y I would answer with, "Bridgette's room this is her father speaking" and take down the name and number of the caller. One evening shortly after she went out her phone rang. I entered her room and flicked on the light switch. The light went on and off instantaneously indicating that the bulb had burned out. As I stood there the telephone continued to ring. I started towards it only to trip over something and land on the floor. As I laid on the floor trying to determine whether I was still in one piece the ringing continued. I pulled myself in a sitting position, grabbed the phone off her bed and answered with, ''Bridgett's pigpen. This is her keeper speaking." I didn't hear anything at first and I thought the caller had hung up. Not hearing a dial tone, I repeated, "Bridgette's pigpen. This is her keeper speaking." Then I heard a voice, ''uh, uh is Bridgette there?" I told the caller that she was out and offered to tell her that he had called. I then went to our kitchen found a new light bulb and returned to her room. When I lit up the room I saw what I had tripped over. In the middle of her room was a pyramid that would have made the Egyptians jealous.

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

It consisted of clothing, blankets, books, stuffed animals,

soda cans, empty cigarette packs, cassette tapes, empty hair color boxes and a couple of items I didn't even recognize. Three more times during that evening I answered Bridgette's telephone. Each time I answered with the same greeting, "Bridgette's pigpen. This is her keeper speaking." The first indication that I had that someone had tip Bridgette off to the way I was answering her telephone was when she walked through the door. Bridgette came in 20 minutes early. Normally she would sit on the front steps even shivering in 20-degree weather until one minute before her curfew. To Bridgette the thought of coming home early was on a par with the idea of going to school on weekends. She stormed up to me and said, ''Dad. How could you?' "How could I what," I replied in a calm voice. "How could you tell my friends my room is a pigpen?" "Follow me," I said. I led Bridgette to her room and turned on the light. "I only call them as I see them," I told her. Bridgette firmly shoved me out of her room and closed the door. I walked into the living room and sat down to watch television. Fifteen minutes later she came out, walked to the kitchen and grabbed a broom and dustpan. A short time later she returned those items then approached me. ''My room is clean. Go check it." I followed her to the bedroom and looked around. It was the cleanest I had ever seen it. "Very nice" I said." "Well, I still think what you did tonight sucks." Bridgette said. "Yes, you are right. And I hope I don't ever have to do it again," I responded as I gave her a good night kiss on the cheek. What I did that evening was to communicate using humor. I did not yell or shout. I did not even say one

Chapter 3

derogatory word to Bridgette. However, I did get my point across to her loud and clear. It did not tum a super slob into a neatnik. But it had a long-term effect. Bridgette never again left the house with her bedroom a total mess, and the few times thereafter that I thought it was approaching that stage the mere reminder that I would cover her telephone while she was out, sent her scurrying back to her room to tidy it up. Using humor as a means to communicate requires a good knowledge of your teenager and just the right time to do it. Used properly it can get a point across more effectively then almost any other method. THIRD PARTY COMMUNICATION. There is one other way of communicating. Even though I do not personally like this method I found myself using it with one teenager in my home. It's called "Third Party Communication." It is useful if you have a teen that just doesn't seem to talk to you no matter what you try. I'm referring to the type that will give you a one-word answer to the question, "what did you do on your summer vacation?" If a teenager will not communicate with you, try to enlist someone that they will talk to openly. That someone could be one of their close friends, another teen in your home, a relative, a neighbor, a school counselor, the parent of one of their friends, or any other individual you trust to be a go between. A third party may be able to keep you advised on what is going on in your teen's life, and even relay your thoughts on situations to the teen. A third party should only be used as a last resort when nothing else seems to be working. Although far from an ideal situation, third party communication may serve a purpose in keeping you advised on what is going on in your teen's life.

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

CHAPTER FOUR

HOW TO BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR TEENAGER. "Do as I say, not as I do," might have been an acceptable way of keeping teenagers in line in past generations. However, it just doesn't work now. Today's teenagers desire reasons for why they should or should not do things, and they watch the examples set by their parents. Often these examples are displayed with no thought of the effect they might have on teenagers in the house. Like it or not, to be a good role model requires understanding the importance of that duty, and making the changes to set the right examples for teens to follow. If you are a smoker and do not want your teens to acquire that habit chances are you have spoken to them about the health dangers of smoking. You may have told them how you were not aware of the dangers when you started smoking, and that you plan to stop yourself one day. While you are telling them one thing you are showing them another. Your talks about the dangers of smoking might last 10 or 15 minutes at most. Even if repeated frequently, that will no way measure up to the amount of time they observe you puffing on a cigarette. If you smoke and are trying to discourage your teen from doing so, try to take the glamour out of it. Store your cigarettes away in a drawer or in your pocket out of sight, rather then leaving them lay on a table. If you truly want to make an impression, step outside of the house every time you smoke a cigarette. Of course, your teen will still know you are smoking, but at the same time they will be aware of how unacceptable the habit is. If you are a parent who often desires a few beers when you come home from work, but will concede that you might be encouraging your teen to join the local teenage

Chapter 4

monthly keg parties, consider making a few changes to your drinking habits. Eliminate any action that glorifies drinking, such as boasting about the amount of liquor you consume or building pyramids with beer cans on your living room table. Also avoid asking them to get you another can from the refrigerator. The message you should be sending is that alcohol in moderation is allowed for adults, not for teenagers. Some parents might consider using obscene language as a means of emphasizing their statements. It is not good role modeling. I can assure you that virtually all teenagers know the sound and meaning of any obscene word you utter. In filet they probably know some you have never heard. They often they use that type of language in conversations with their friends. They normally will refrain from using such words in their home because teenagers are not supposed to talk that way. Parents should do the same. Driving safely and within the speed limit is always a good thing to do. It is a must when you have your teenagers in the vehicle. They may learn how to operate a vehicle through a driving school or with you teaching them for a few weeks, but their real driving habits will come from the way they see you driving. Which also means if you have a habit of cursing out drivers who cut you off, and sticking your index finger up at those who tailgate, keep your hands on the steering wheel and your mouth shut. Unless you want to create another young driver prone to road rage. Honesty is possibly the most likely trait that teenagers pick up from their parents. A parent who changes price stickers on merchandise in a department store should not be shocked when they learn that their teenager was caught shop lifting from the local mall. A parent who brags about cheating a utility or cable company should not wonder where their teen would get the idea to cheat on tests

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

in school. If you and your spouse often get into heated and sometimes violent arguments there is a very good chance that your teens will get into more then their share of fights with their peers. Of course it is unlikely that you will consider the effect on your teens when in the heat of a domestic dispute, but when you suspect one is imminent try to get your teen out ofthe area. There have been mornings when a teenager has approached me and insisted that they did not feellik:e going to school. "I understand," I said. "I don't feellik:e going to work today either... But, I am going to my job, and you are going to your school." Setting an example about responsibility is a major part of a parent's job. The best way to do that is by demonstrating the way it should be. If you are a parent who often stays out of work with a flimsy excuse, try to realize the example you are setting for your teenager. Politeness, friendliness and the way you get along with others are also examples that teenagers observe and often imitate. You may not be aware of this, but teens often act towards their peers much the same way you act towards them. Of course there is always the exception to the rule. Even experts are still unable to explain cases where parents raise five children in the same manner, but end up with four of them who become up standing citizens, while the fifth ends up a career criminal. The bottom line is you are on stage when your teens are present. By all means act normal. However, it will not hurt to take a long look at just what normal is, every once in a while.

CHAPTER FIVE KEEPING YOUR TEENAGER IN SCHOOL. Every single teen in our home graduated high school. It is a record I am proud of It wasn't easy making that happen. I had a teen placed in my home that was already out of school more than a year. Another who was kicked out ofa private school twice. One spent two years doing school work on a bus as part of a wilderness program that traveled around the country in covered wagons pulled by horses before entering our home. Also one who was doing heavy drugs during her senior year. Three of our teens graduated while pregnant. In fact one received her diploma, which I hand delivered, while she was in the hospital with labor pains. Getting those teenagers through school was no easy feat. However, I did it with those in our home, and you can do it with yours as well. Start with the understanding that your teenagers will stay in school until they graduate. This goal should be absolute, and not even open for discussion. Nonnally a teenager cannot legally quit school without their parent's permission, so you are in control of the situation as long as you stand your ground. Usually there are signs that a teenager is not planning to complete school. Frequent absences, cutting classes, falling grades and reports of behavior problems in school are indications that graduation is not the uppermost goal on your teen's mind. Repeated statements by teenagers that they hate school is something to be taken seriously, and should not be dismissed as a feeling that will go away if ignored. Your first move should be to discuss the situation with your teen. Attempt to find out if the problem is being caused by harassment from other students, personal conflict

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with a teacher or the inability to understand the work that is being taught. If any of that is indicated make a visit to the schooI and discuss with teachers and administrators solutions to solve the problem. Sometimes a mere change of a teacher, classroom or subject might eliminate the teen's reluctance to go to school. In a more profound case it might even require changing to another schooI or different type of learning program, such as alternative or night school if such programs are available. If your teenager is unable or unwilling to give you a valid reason for their behavior, visit the school. Sit down with the head administrator and school counselor if possible. Ask them if they know any reason for your teenager's poor performance. Let them know that you intend to be strongly involved in your teen's school attendance and work. Tell them that you wish to be notified immediately if your teenager is absent from school, cut classes or do not bring in their homework. Emphasize the "immediately". As in ''the same day". (Nothing is more useless then information that your teen was not in school if you receive it days or weeks after the fact.) Make sure that they record the numbers to reach you. Give them all available numbers including pager and cell phone if you carry them. A rumor circulated by several of the teens in our home was that the high school had my numbers on speed dial. I don't think that was really the case, but I do know that my willingness to appear at the school when called impressed upon the administrators that I was serious in my commitment to our teenagers being in school. I have to believe that it made a similar impression on the teens as well. After establishing a contact procedure with the school sit down with your teenager and lay down the law. Explain the procedure you have set up with school officials. Then outline the possible repercussions you will impose if

Chapter 5

they do not attend their classes and do their best while there. A standing rwe in our home was any teenager who stayed home from school for any unauthorized reason cowd not go out that day. That rule cut down greatly on the number of headache and sore throat cases that suddenly got better when school let out absences. Another rule that was standard is that any teen that got suspended from school was also grounded while that suspension was in effect in addition to any other punishment I decided to impose. For teenagers who neglected to do their home work consistently the solution was simple. I would set up an assignment book system with their teachers. The teen would be required to write down the homework assigned in each class and have the teacher initial it. If a teacher did not assign homework the teen made note of that fact and had the teacher attest to it also. Before they were allowed out the teen was required to show the book and the completed homework to the wife or me. If a teen neglected to have the assignment book signed, or forgot to bring it home they were not allowed out that evening. This procedure was not very popwar with those teens that were forced to follow it, but it did the job and caused them to improve their grades greatly. There are times when parents have to take a firm stand. I found myself in that position with a 17-year-old who was in her junior year of high school. I had previously spoken to her and the staff in her school and found no reason why she should be having a problem. It started with a notification that she was not in school one day. Apparently she had taken the school bus, but did not enter the building when it arrived there. To put a stop to that, I began to drive her myself. That way I was able to verifY that she went into the school. That worked for a few days. Then I received a call telling me that she was now coming

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into the building, but then walking right out again shortly after I drove away. I sat down with that young lady early in the evening. Our conversation went something like this: "Daughter the fun and game time is over. You are going to go to school, and you are going to stay there." "I hate school. I don't want to go," she replied "Well you do not have a choice. At least for the next year and one-half" "I want to quit school, Dad." "That's not going happen daughter." "But, you can sign me out ofschool. Then I can get a job and earn money." ''No. Ifyou want to get a job, get one after school." "What? After being in school all day I'll be to tired to work." "Well then, you do have a problem. You do not have to work. But, you do have to go to school," I said firmly. "I can have my case worker sign me out of school." "Yes, Daughter. She can do that. Just as soon as she agrees to let you move into her home." "What? You will throw me out ifl quit school. You told me that you would never get rid of me just because of something I did." "That's true. But we are not talking about something you did. We are discussing something you are not doing. And, I am not getting rid of you. I am just telling you that you are going to attend school regularly while you are living here." . "I don't want to go to school." "Okay, daughter. You have stated that several times, and I have registered your feelings. However as long as you are in this house your schooling is my decision. So here is what is going to occur. I am going to give you one more chance to stay in school all day. If! get one more call

Chapter 5

that you did not attend all of your classes, I am going to go to school with you and sit in your classes with you. When you change class I will walk with you to your next one and sit in there with you also. I will do that all day for as long as it takes to get you to understand that there is no option in this matter. YOU WILL GO TO SCHOOL AND ATTEND ALL YOUR CLASSES." "Dad. YOU CAN'T DO THAT." "Oh yes I can. I have already spoken to your school principal. He said it is very unusual, but he will allow me to do it. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EMBARRASSING THAT WOULD BE FOR ME?" she asked. "Yes daughter. Probably as embarrassing as it is for me when I get a call telling me that you are not in school," I replied. "You can't do that Dad." "I can. And I will. If you don't think so, try me." "I drove her to school the next day. Then I went to my office and waited for the call I expected from the school. I didn't get any call that day or the next one either. On the third day following my ultimatum I called the school to make sure they did not misplace my numbers. The school officials informed me that she was in school and had been attending all her classes during the past three days. The following week she asked me if she could go back to taking the bus to school. I agreed to allow that after receiving her promise that she would no longer cut school or classes. She graduated on time the following year with the rest ofher class. Forget about a car, credit card and cellular telephone. The things your teenager really needs from you are your love and a good education. You only get one chance to give them that education. Any teen that quits school with

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the vow that they will return and graduate one day in the future is kidding themselves and you. It rarely happens.

CHAPTER SIX HOW TO SAY 'NO' WITHOUT GETTING AN ARGUMENT. Debbie, one of my 14-year-old girls came to me one summer evening and asked pennission to sleep over at her girlfriend's house. I thought over her request quickly including the fact that she had slept over that friend's house three nights during the past week, and then told her that she could not. "I can't... Why not?" she asked. Well, I had her now. I had an answer for her. It was the answer that every parent has used throughout history. In fact, Fred Flintstone probably used it on Pebbles back in the Stone Age. "Because I said so," I said firmly. Debbie gave me that special look she reserves for times when she feels I am unreasonable, and walked out of the room. A few minutes later my wife approached me. "What's the matter with Debbie?" she asked. "I told her she could not sleep over at Casey's house," I replied. "Why not?" Joyce asked. Well, as I'm sure any man who has been married more than 30 minutes knows, you don't say "because I said so" to your wife. So I calmly explained that Debbie had slept over at Casey's house three times during the past week. "So what?" Joyce said. I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. She left the room and I sat there pondering what had transpired. I have a perfectly valid reason for telling Debbie she couldn't sleep over I told myselÂŁ And even if I didn't, I wasn't obligated to give her permission. I didn't have a good reason to say ''yes,'' and I didn't need a reason to say

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''no.'' After about 15 minutes of trying to convince myself that my reasoning made sense, I gave in and admitted that maybe I had made a mistake. -I really did not have a good reason for turning down Debbie's request. I knew Casey's parents and I believed they were even stricter then we were about their kid's behavior. I was sure they would that see that Debbie was in their house by her curfew and not get into any trouble. - I trusted them, just as I felt they trusted Joyce and I when Casey slept over at our house. Why then, should I object to Debbie sleeping over at Casey's house? I said "no" because I couldn't think: of a immediate reason to say yes. I considered another possibility. Maybe I should reverse that way of thinking. Perhaps instead of saying ''no'' unless I had a reason to say ''yes,'' maybe I should say, ''yes'' unless I had a reason to say ''no.'' The more I thought about the idea the better I liked it. After all, if I had a good reason to say no then I could tell my teenager why I made that decision. If I used this practice I would normally deny permission only if I was afraid that the teenager might be placing themselves in danger or running the risk of getting into trouble. Therefore it should be easy for me to explain my reasoning. In fact, I could even give the teen the opportunity to change my mind. Maybe by doing that, I could cut out the arguments that often follow my denial of permission for various activities. I walked into Debbie's room and told her she could sleep over at Casey's. Once again I ran over in my mind the procedure I had vowed to use in future requests from our teenagers. I didn't have long to wait to put it to a test. Marlena approached me a few days later. "Dad, I want to go to a concert at the end of this month." "A concert? Where?" "In New York City. I will be going with Mary Arm. You know her."

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"Mary Ann? The tall girl that is in your class?

"Yes Dad. I have the money for tickets. So can I go?' ''No daughter. 1 do not want you going to a concert in New York." "But, why not? 1 am 17." "Yes, and 1 am I charge of seeing that you reach the age of 18. For you to get to that concert you would have to take a train and then a subway. The concert probably will not be over until after midnight. I do not want you traveling through New York City during the early morning hours. Also there are always reports of heavy drug use at those concerts. 1 do not feel you will be safe going there." "But Mary Ann's parents are giving her permission to go." "Yes. Mary Ann has my permission to go also. She is not the young lady living in my home that 1 love and want to protect. But, I will tell you what. You get a responsible adult to go with you and 1 will allow it." "I can go if we get a adult to go with us?" She seemed surprised by my response. "Yes. But that adult has to be someone 1 feel is responsible. She has to go with you, stay with you and come back with you." "Okay. That's a good deal," she said. Marlena never did get back to me with an adult chaperone. I mentioned the subject several weeks after the concert was over, and learned that Mary Ann didn't go either. I suspected that either her parents had a change of heart, or else that she didn't really have permission to begin with. It's immaterial, the important thing for me was that it was a start on a new way of giving or denying permission that allowed our teens a bit more leeway and resulted in me getting fewer argwnents.

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As is the case with may other parenting techniques, saying no without getting an argument requires a willingness to try something new.

CHAPTER SEVEN TEACIDNG YOUR TEENS THE VALUE OF BEING TRUSTED. Do you have any idea what two things make a teenage the envy of their peers? The answer will probably surprise you. The teens that have parents who come down on them hard when they get into trouble, and those who can honestly claim their parents trust them Those are the ones admired by their friends. Being trusted by their parents is one of the highest honors a teenager can have. They will beam that fact to their friends every time the opportunity arises. It also makes their social life much more fulfilling, because they do not have the same restrictions that many other teens do. As important as it is to a teenager to be trusted, it is also an asset to the parents as well. Parents who can trust their teens spend less time worrying about where they are and what they are doing. By teaching your teenager the value of being trusted you will be doing a service not just to them but to yourself as well. There is almost a catch 22 situation here. Parents will say that trust has to be earned. While teens will complain that they can't earn trust unless they are trusted. All to often a stalemate exists. This is usually the case after an incident where the teenager displays behavior that indicates they cannot be trusted. It is the parent who has to break that deadlock and guide their teenager into behavior patterns that will eventually allow for trust. To teach your teenager the value of being trusted, it is important to relate the word to their every day activity. When they request permission to go somewhere or do something where there is no adult supervision, ask them if you can trust them to go there or do that. The idea is to force your teenager to be aware that their actions will have

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an effect on how fur you will trust them. Coming home on time, shying away from peers who drink or do drugs and being in school when they are suppose to be, are some areas where trust is a factor. Depending on age and situation, leaving a teenager home alone for long periods is definitely a test of how well they can be trusted. It is important to keep things in perspective. Do not harbor the feeling that every screw up by a teenager is an indication that they cannot be trusted. When your teenager exhibits indications that they are working towards being trusted, let them know that you have noticed that. Nothing frustrates teens more than believing their efforts are not being noticed. NEVER SAY NEVER. The worst thing a parent can do is to tell a teenager that they will never be trusted again. Whether meant or not, the statement might have a chilling effect on the teen. There is nothing wrong with letting your teenager know that their actions are showing they can not be trusted, but always leave the door open for them to show you that they have changed in the future. As is the case in virtually all other aspects of parenting communication is a major key in teaching your teenager the value of being trusted. Talk with your teen about how important it is to them, as well as you, and explain how much easier their life would be if you had the confidence in them.

CHAPTER EIGHf

WAYS TO PREVENT YOUR TEEN FROM LYING. Like it or not, most teenagers lie. Some do it rarely, others often, and a small number would not know the truth if it hit them over their head. It is unlikely that you will prevent it entirely. There are a few techniques, however that you can use to cut it down dramatically. Let's look at the reasons teenagers lie to their parents. There are two basic ones. Either they are afraid, or they do not want you to know something. Virtually all acts of lying fall into one or both categories. A major way to eliminate much of the lying is by taking away the opportunity for a teenager to be untruthful. Let's look at an example of how that might occur. Imagine a scenario where you are a parent who has just been informed that your teenage daughter has been getting a ride to school lately, instead of taking the school bus. The boy that she is riding with is a reckless driver. You inform your daughter that you want her to take the bus to school, and under no circumstances is she to take a ride from that boy. Your daughter reluctantly agrees to conform to your order. A few days later you look at your window and notice your daughter getting into a car driven by the boy you had forbid her to ride with. The rest of the day you can hardly keep your mind on the housework you are doing. You keep telling yourself, "Just wait until she gets home. I am going to ask her how she got to school today. God help her if she lies to me. Just wait until I ask her." Finally your moment arrives. Your daughter walks through the door and you

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charge up to her with the question you have been holding in all day. "How did you get to school this morning?" What you have done路 in this scenario is set your teenager up to lie. She has to make a quick decision whether to admit that she disobeyed you, or lie about it and hope you do not know. In the majority of cases the result will be a teenager who will insist she took the bus to school. In addition to setting her up to lie, you have also put the emphasis on the wrong action. The major problem isn't whether she lies about how she got to school, but rather that she disobeyed you and put herself in danger by doing so. Under the same scenario if she walked through the door and you approached her and said, "I saw you get into the car this morning. Now sit down. We are going to have a serious discussion about why you should not disobey me," then you would accomplish two things. You would have taken away the opportunity for her to lie. And you would have addressed the more important issue immediately The trick is to try and avoid questions that require a true or false answer when ever possible. If you know the answer, do not ask the question, but rather proceed on from there. If you suspect a situation is taking place but you are not sure, you can even address it from that standpoint. For example, tell your teenager that you are concerned that they are doing something that you do not approve of and wish to discuss it with them, without directly asking them to confirm or deny it. You can do this by using terms like, "if this is occurring," or "in the event that you find yourself in this situation" to lead into the conversation. It goes without saying that the better the communication relationship you have with your teenager the less chance there is that they will lie to you. Even

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more important is how you react to negative teenage behavior. A parent who handles information calmly and discipline fairly is much more likely to have truthful teenagers than one who does not.

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

CHAPTER NINE

STARTING OVER AS 'DAY ONE' WITH YOUR TEENAGER. One advantage Joyce and I had with the non-related teenagers we took in was that we were able to start fresh with them. In many cases, we had never even met them before agreeing to take them in. In others I made a decision to accept them based on a very short conversation we had at their current residential placement or foster home. Even in those cases where I did have knowledge about their background, I did my best to forget that information. Therefore, I was able to start with the teenager as the day they entered our home being "day one." Since we were unfamiliar with each other, I was able to set down our house rules without being concerned about what their prior guidelines were. Many of them were streetwise kids used to setting their own rules. It didn't always sit well with them when they were informed of appropriate curfews and school attendance requirements. In most cases they tested me to see if I would follow through with any repercussions if they acted out. Once convinced that I would, they settled down a lot, and behaved more like a normal teenager. You can start over with your teenager as well. This is possible even if you have raised the teen since birth. Start by making a list of the rules, as you want them to be. Review and revise them where necessary to strike a compromise between what you would like, and what is probably feasible to expect. Then sit down with your teen and explain that starting the following Monday you and they are going to start over. Advise the teen that starting over means they will have a clean slate and you are going to forget everything negative they have done previously.

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Which means, along with other things that they will be trusted within reason unless their future behavior indicates they cannot handle that trust.路 Tell them also that you will not bring up anything that occurred in the past. It will be just like they were placed into your home on that Monday, and you have no previous knowledge of them. Then go over the rules you have finalized with them. Inform the teen that they have to forget the way things were. You are telling them the way things are going to be. Expect opposition to many of your revised rules, and listen to the complaints. If they are reasonable, there is nothing wrong with compromising on selected ones. Starting over as "day one" is only going to work if you make it do so. That means you have to stick with both sides of the mandate. Chances are you will be tested. Be prepared to enforce consequences when necessary.

CHAPTER TEN DECIDING ON APPROPRIATE CONSEQUENCES WHEN RULES ARE BROKEN. Many parent teenager conflicts start with discipline decisions. No teen is going to be happy about being disciplined, but it is possible to take some of the hostility out of it. When discipline is called for, wait until you can calmly decide what consequence is appropriate. Years ago I angrily told a 13-year-old who cut school that she was grounded until she was 18. A couple of hours later I discovered that she had ran away. When I finally found her at a friend's house I took her back home and demanded to know why she ran away. Her reply was that until she was 18 was too long a time to be grounded. Now I knew I was not going to ground her for five years. I'm sure she knew I wasn't going to ground her for five years. But somehow what I said and the way I said it made her visualize an unbearable length of time in the house. So she ran away. That incident taught me to wait until I calmed down before I voiced a discipline decision. I also learned from parenting so many teenagers that it was important to consider different types of discipline. What worked very well with one teen might be completely ineffective with another. For example, grounding a teenager who rarely left the house would not have much of an effect. With a teen whose entire life revolves around

. activity outside of the house, even a short period of time

restricted to the house has a strong effect. Once you have a

good idea which punishments work on an individual

teenager, those are the ones to use. It is a good idea,

however, to reserve the one that the teen dislikes the most

for the worst offenses. Not every act of misbehavior calls

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for the most serious punishment, and over punishing can be as harmful as not disciplining at all. One method I found to be very helpful is to ask the teen what punishment they feel is appropriate for a given offense. Of course, I make it clear that I will not entertain any ridiculous suggestion, such as not having desert after supper. However if the suggestion is one that I feel is fair, chances are I will go along with it. The advantage to allowing your teenager to have a say in punishment decisions is that they are more likely to accept the consequences without a problem if they have played a part in the decision. There were limitations to my allowing a teenager to suggest their punishment. If I permitted a teen to choose their punishment and they repeated the same offense again, chances are, I would decide their fate myselÂŁ Or, if the offense was really way out of line, I might have denied them the opportunity to input into my decision. Also, by allowing your teen to make punishment suggestions you may learn of some that you have never considered. There are at least ten different punishments that a parent can enforce. Yet many parents use the same one consistently. I have heard the complaint from numerous teens that all their parents do is ground them, and if they do something wrong while grounded, they are in for an even longer period of time. After a while that becomes a real sore point and the parent is dealing with a very angry and unruly teen. To do the job, discipline should be effective & enforceable. Lets look at different types of punishment and the pros and cons ofeach: GROUNDING. Probably the most common type of discipline used on teenagers. A fairly easy punishment to enforce. It is very effective when used on a teenager that spends a lot of their free time outside ofthe home. If a teen

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does not go out much, it loses much of it punitive value, and may not be as effective. Grounding should not be for an unreasonably long period. .Long groundings only result in resentment by the teenager and has no more effect then a reasonable one. RESTRICTING TO ROOM. Easy to enforce but not very effective. To restrict a teenager to a room that often has a television, stereo, telephone and computer, is just a waste of time. Many teens enjoy spending time in their room. TAKING AWAY TELEPHONE USE. Hard to enforce unless you are home with the teen every minute of the day. Ifyou order your teen not to get on the phone then leave the house and walk to the nearest telephone booth, chances are good you will get a busy signal if you call your home. How effective this punishment is depends on the amount of time your teenager normally spends on the telephone. TAKING AWAY RECREATIONAL ITEMS. (Television, Stereo, Nintendo, Computer, etc.) Not easy to enforce unless you remove items from their room Effectiveness varies, depending on how often these items are used by teenager. CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. Hard to enforce but usually very effective. The act of spanking a teenager is probably the most debated punishment among "experts" with no consensus among them During the past two decades several theories were advanced by different groups that now appear to be nonsense. The latest information suggests that the reasonable use of corporal punishment does not hurt a child's self-esteem or make a youngster aggressive when they get older. Nor is it against the law to spank your child. This incorrect infonnation has been spread by social agencies in a number of states. The only time spanking your child is a violation of the law is if it is done with such severity that it becomes abusive.

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Whether you should spank your teenager depends on a number of factors. The most important is whether you can do so reasonably without losing control. Another is whether you can do so without getting into a physical confrontation with your teen. You also have to believe that it is the correct thing to do. The parent who spanks their teenager and then spends the next week apologizing to them for doing so, is in effect placing the blame on themselves rather than on the teen whose actions brought about the punishment. If you can reasonably do it, spanking a teenager is an extremely effective discipline. It gets the punishment over quickly and does not linger on for days or weeks as other methods do. It also serves as a real wake up call to a teen that they have went to far with their improper behavior. However, it should be reserved for those offenses that cross the line. Strange as it may sound, a spanking was often the first choice a teenager would request when given the opportunity to choose their punishment. This was on many occasions their choice when given the option of either being spanked or grounded. Most times I declined that request because I didn't feel what they did was that severe. The point here is that apparently teenagers do not view corporal punishment with the same horror that many social agency workers do. If you make a decision to spank your teenager, inform them what you intend to do and make it clear that you will not tolerate any dispute. It should be done in private, and never while you are angry. You should not use any implement. Using your hand will allow you to gauge how hard you are spanking. When finished, be sure you inform your teenager that you love them, and then leave the teen alone for a while. You should not make fun of the teenager's punishment or even bring it up again. When it is done it is over, and the teenager should be allowed to go on with their usual activity.

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ASSIGNING WORK DETAILS. Hard to enforce but can be effective if workable. The problem with assignip.g work as punishment is that more often than not the parent has to stay right on site to see that the job gets done correctly. The average teenager is going to do as little as they can when given a job to do as punishment. If you have a specific task, such as raking the leaves on your lawn, which you can inspect regularly to see it gets completely done, then it can work well. DENYING PERMISSION FOR PARTICIPATING IN SPORTING ACTIVITIES. Easy to enforce and effective. However, usually not a good idea. This punishment should be considered only if the sport participation is directly related to the behavior problem. For example, if your teenager is failing school because they are spending too much time in sporting activities. DENYING PERMISSION TO ATTEND SOCIAL ACTIVITIES. Easy to enforce and very effective. The only time 1 would caution against using this punishment is if the event is one which is a very special affair, such as a prom or friend's graduation. A school dance however, or a sleepover party are activities that fall into the category that you can deny without irreversible hann. IMPOSING AN EARLIER CURFEW. Easy to enforce and effective. This also should be related to the behavior problem. If your teenager has a problem coming in on time back their curfew up half an hour at a time. Make it clear that when they show you they can obey their curfew you will consider moving it back to a later time. Do it a half hour at a time so they can prove that they can handle their original curfew. TO DRIVE AN DENYING PRIVILEGE AUTOMOBILE. Easy to enforce and extremely effective. This punishment can be imposed regardless of whether it is the parent's car or one owned by the teenager. It is highly appropriate ifyour teen drives carelessly or travels to areas

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they are not suppose to be. It can also be used as a punishment for unrelated offenses as well. The thing to remember about discipline is that it should be fair but firm. Most teens know when they have acted badly and they will accept reasonable punishment without too much of an argument. Do not make threats that you will not carry out, and do not feel bad about disciplining when it is appropriate. It is one of the most important jobs of a parent.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

TEENAGE PROOFING YOUR HOME. We all hear a lot about child proofing our home. The advice of course is to store all medications and other items that could cause children harm in places where they cannot be assessable. The same practice should apply to teenagers. A little bit of thought and some changes in your home can playa big part in keeping your teen out oftrouble. Start with items you do not want your teenager to have. Liquor is usually at top of the list. If you have hard liquor in your house, find a way to lock it up. Do not make the mistake of believing that just because your teenager has not touched your liquor in the past, it is an indication that they will not do so in the future. Forget about trickery, such as marking the bottles to discover whether anyone had been drinking from them. After all, what is more important finding out if your teenager is tapping your liquor, or preventing them from doing so? Additionally, if you have more then one teenager in your home you will be faced with the problem of trying to determine which one is involved. This will only lead to accusations and trapping techniques and might cause more problems then it will solve. If beer is your common drink, purchase only a small amount at a time. This will allow you to keep track of it easily, and spot any problem before it goes to far. Check the exit possibilities of your teenager's bedrooms. If it appears easy for them to sneak out at night look for a way to prevent that. NEVER DO ANYTHING

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THAT WOULD HAMPER THEM FROM GETTING OUT IN THE EVENT OF A FIRE. You can create devises that will tell you if a window or screen has been opened during the night. Nothing is as effective as making it clear you plan to get up during the night and make bed checks. If you suspect your teen is sneaking out, by all means do that. Do not leave large amounts of money lying around. Most teenagers would never steal from their parents. But, there is nothing to be gained by tempting them. Again, if you have more than one teenager in the home, you may be faced with the problem of verifying which one is involved. It is much easier to secure money then to recover it when you discover it has disappeared. If you have teenagers capable of driving, secure your car keys at night. Hanging them on a hook in the kitchen is an open invitation for a teen to go on a midnight ride. Most teenagers will not do that, but you do not want to find out that you teen was one that did, after they wrecked your car or got hurt in an accident. Teenagers who run up telephone bills with long distance phone calls can be put on hold in most cases. Check with your local telephone company about access numbers that prevent such calls without the proper code being entered. Not all states have such a system, but many do. The bottom line is that it is better to prevent an inappropriate act then it is to discover it has occurred.

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CHAPTER TWELVE DO NOT TRY TO BUY YOUR TEENAGER'S LOVE. We all want our teenagers to have more then we did at their age. This is a natural desire of all parents. That desire can become a negative action however, when a parent feels they have to give their teen virtually everything they ask for. The most common way parents bid for their teen's affection is with material things. Handing a teen money constantly upon request or giving them a charge card every time they wish to go to the mall are acts that could be suspect as buying their love. With more afiluent parents this might escalate to buying their teenager a new car when they obtain their driver's license or paying for summer vacations in exotic places. Although such acts will definitely put a smile on a teenagers face, the end result may be a spoiled young adult with absolutely no sense of responsibility. It may also lead to later problems if you have more then one child in the home, as the others will be looking for the same advantages when they get older. There are a mnnber of other ways that parents often attempt to buy their teenager's love. Giving permission to their teens for things they actually oppose appears to be the most common one today. Nowhere is this trend more obvious then in the number of teenagers sporting tattoos or body piercing. The fact that a teenager has a tattoo or is wearing jewelry in their body, does not always mean that the parents approve. Many, perhaps even most times, it may mean that their parents gave permission only to keep their teen happy. I have often heard comments from parents like, "Well I really didn't approve ofmy son

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getting a tattoo. But he has wanted one for a long time, so I gave it to him for a 16th birthday present." Or, ''No, I don't like the idea of my daughter wearing a belly ring but her friends all have them and I didn't want her to feel left out." A parent who goes against their own principals to grant their teenagers wishes, needs to take a close look at what they are accomplishing. Rather then assisting the teenager to grow up happy and healthy, parents who buy their teen's love are possibly setting them up for a huge let down when they enter the adult word. If you feel you are being too permissive for all the wrong reasons and decide that it is time to stop buying your teenager's love, work on correcting the situation. However expect a difficult time for a while. No teen likes to give up privileges they have been previously handed. It would probably be wise to discuss with your teen the fact that you plan to make some changes, (See Chapter Nine) but you do not have to make excuses for improving your parenting techniques.

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CHAPTER THIRTEEN HELPING YOUR TEENS TO PICK THE RIGHT FRIENDS. It will vary of course, but chances are a teenager will spend a total of three hours a week talking to their parents. That same teen will spend approximately 30 hours a week talking to their friends. That radical difference shows .how important it is for parents to be aware ofwhom their teenager is hanging out with. Lets start with un-romantic friends. Who are the girls that your daughter is spending time with, or the boys that your son is choosing as friends? This is a major factor; because teenagers are more likely to get into trouble with another teen then they are by themselves. A parent needs to learn as much as they can about their teenager's friends. When possible, it is also a good idea to learn what you can about the friend's parents as well. If nothing else you should meet with those parents and exchange telephone numbers and any other infonnation you might want them to have. If your teenager acquires a single ''best路 friend", attempt to treat that person as one of your kids also. Invite that teen to spend time at your home, for dinners or even occasional sleepovers. This will allow you to get a read on the friend, and also show that teen that you are involved in the day-to-day activity of your teenager. It will also give you the opportunity to impress on the friend that there are certain behavior standards that you expect your teen to adhere to. If your observation of your teenager's friend reveals things you do not like, discuss your feelings with your teenager privately. Voice your concerns, and then give your teen the opportunity to defend their friend, as they

Chapter 13

most likely will do. Make it clear that although you are not actually forbidding the teenager to hang out with their friend, you intend to observe very carefully all activities that they get involved in together. It is not normally a good idea to forbid your teenager to hang out with someone they choose unless you believe they will obey your order, but you can pressure them to switch friends using whatever motivational method works for you with your teen. It's every parent's nightmare. Your I5-year-old daughter drags home a 21-year-old unemployed high school drop out with long hair, tattoos and five earrings. Four are in his ears and one is in his nose. When you question her about him, she proclaims that they love each other and plan to get married as soon as she reaches the legal age to do so. Your first thought is, yeah, she'll marry him, but not in this lifetime. You are going to put a stop to this relationship immediately by forbidding her to see him. Well, good luck. You might succeed if you lock her in her bedroom for the next three years. But short of that, telling a teen "in love" that she cannot see a boy is the fastest way to drive her right into his arms. That doesn't mean that you should not make it clear to her that you do not approve of the relationship. Do that clearly and often. However, do so in a way that does not drive a wedge between you and your teenager. By all means, keep a tight rein on your teen to limit the time she might spend with her friend. You might also consider having a long one on one conversation with your teen's friend. There is a small chance that if you let him know that you strongly disapprove of him seeing your teenager it may dampen his desire to do so. If nothing else, it should make him aware of your concerns, and the possibility that he will be held responsible for any improper action involving your teenager.

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The same is true if your son hooks up with a girl who you feel is not appropriate for him. The trick is to steer him away from the relationship without forcing him to choose between you and the current love of his life. It is by no means an easy task, and may require all your skills as a parent.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU SUSPECT YOUR TEEN IS SEXUALLY ACTIVE. When you first suspect your teenager is sexually active, or_ is .approaching that stage, it·is time to have a serious talk with them Not about discussing the birds and the bees however. If you· have not done that by then it is way too late for that, What you need to discuss is the possibilities and the responsibilities.· First, understand .that· you should not accuse your teenager of being sexually active no matter how strong your suspicion.· Accusations, whether true or not, will only tum the teen off to the important information you need to give them. Likewise, 1 do not suggest that you ask a teen whether they are sexually active. It is very unlikely that you will receive a truthful- answer, and all that will do is give you an opportunity to put off a discussion that you need to have. Obviously the advice you will give to a teenager will vary depending on whether you are dealing with a girl or boy. However, there are some points to that you have to impress on· both. Unprotected sex can result in. serious sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies, and either one can change their lives forever. Once· you .have told them that at least 100 or more times, the next conversation should be about what steps can be taken to your prevent the possibility of that happening. It is extremely important to emphasize· to your teenager that nothing in your conversation should be construed as encouraging or approving of them engaging in sexual activity. . That being . understood, let them know that you are willing to assist

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them in being protected, in路 the event that is necessary sometime in the future. The other point you have to drive路 home is the responsibilities of both males and females if a bahy results from their relationship. I've always made it clear to the girls in our home that if they had a baby they better be prepared to put all their future plans on hold for the next 18 years, because their main job was going to be that of a mother. I made it just as clear to my sons that if their action resulted in a girl getting pregnant they had better pick a wedding date, because they were going to marry her. As old fushioned as those ideas may seem, there is nothing wrong with instilling good values in the minds of your teens.

CHAPTER F'IFIEEN THE IMPORTANCE OF PICKING YOUR FIGHTS. My parents pick on me about every little thing," is an oft heard remark coming out of the mouth of teenagers. As a parent myself, I never really believed that was true. However, I did learn years ago that there were times when it was better to ignore certain inappropriate acts of behavior, so stronger emphasis can be put on other more serious ones. The standing rule in our home was a teenager had to be at least 16 years old before obtaining permission to smoke. Even then we tried every feasible way to discourage the habit. If unsuccessfu~ we reluctantly allowed it. Although there were still stringent rules. Smoking was strictly forbidden in bedrooms and other fire hazard areas. Monica was just a few weeks shy of her 15th birthday when I spotted her walking down the street with a cigarette in her hand. When she arrived home we had a serious talk about the fact that I did not want her smoking. During the discussion I pointed out to her that in addition to the medical hazards of smoking, she was also in danger of being punished ifl ever caught her doing it again. A few days later I caught Monica smoking. This time I punished her. When I again discovered her holding a cigarette three weeks after that, I punished her a second time. Several months went by without any indication that she was continuing that habit. I wasn't sure whether she had stopped or just gotten smarter about getting caught. I got my answer when I walked into a local McDonalds one afternoon. Monica was sitting in a booth with three schoolmates. She was puffing on a cigarette. I

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resisted my initial urge to make a scene in front of her friends, ordered a coffee and left the restaurant without her seeing me. Back at home I tried to decide how to deal with Monica this time. Obviously my previous actions had done nothing to prevent her from smoking.. Monica had been placed in our home at the age of 12. She had been sexually abused by her parent, and bounced through a number of foster homes before coming to us. For the :first 18 months it seemed like she was trying to add our house to the long list of homes that she had bounced in and out of. However we hung in there with a delicate balance of love, supervision and discipline, and eventually she accepted us as her surrogate parents. Monica had made major improvements in her general attitude and. school performance. Still parenting her was an ongoing challenge. It seemed that every time I thought she was under contro~ she would pull another stunt, and she was possibly the most punished ofany ofthe teens in our home. Now I was faced with the prospect of disciplining her again. She was defying my orders not to smoke, and if I allowed her to get away with it, I would be setting a bad precedent. On the other hand, I had just punished her four days earlier because she had skipped classes at school. If I disciplined her again it would be the second time in less that a week. I was still wrestling with the dilemma when she came home. Based on her carefree attitude, I concluded that she definitely wasn't aware that I had observed her at the hamburger restaurant. I decided not to bring it up. During the next year there were a number of times when I suspected Monica was smoking. For example there were the mornings when I entered the bathroom after she left it and found the window wide open in the middle of winter.

Chapter 15

I continued to ignore the obvious, while holding to my strong stand on other issues. . A few days before her 16th birthday Monica approached me. "Dad I will have your permission to smoke after Friday. Right?" ''Daughter you've had my permission for a almost a year now." "What? You never told me that I could smoke". ''Yeah I gave you permission the day I walked into McDonald's and saw you smoking with three of your school friends. Oh gee Daughter... guess I forget to tell you," I replied. "But I don't understand. Why would you give me permission, when you always said that none of us would be allowed to smoke before we were 16?" "Because I knew I was fighting a losing battle. I wanted to concentrate on the issues that were more important." "You mean to tell me I could .have been smoking. all this time?" ''Yeah I guess so. Unless of course you were anyway," I said. Monica stood there speecWess for. a moment. Then she walked away shaking her head and muttering to herself She hardly talked to me the next couple of days. I didn't get upset about it. I had developed another parenting technique that was extremely helpful in dealing with the many teens that followed. I had learned the importance of picking my fights.. The trick is to determine which rules you cannot relinquish and enforce them. At the same time, you may have to concede that some issues are not worth the battle. It is not easy to back off or ignore a rule that you feel strongly about. But again, what part ofparenting is easy?

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

SURVIVING SIBLING RIVALRY. I have often heard parent's talk about sibling rivalry like it was some type of cute phase teenagers go through. Take it from a parent who has had as many as seven teens in his home at the same time, sibling rivalry is not cute. Nor is it a phase, but rather an emotion that can last from age eight to beyond adulthood. Perhaps it was because the teenagers we raised came from various backgrounds, or maybe it was due to the fact that we often had several teens of the same age. All I know is we have seen sibling rivalry at it worst, and we had to improvise ways to deal with it, or my wife and I would have been candidates for the nearest funny farm The most important action we took was to put into effect and enforce consistent rules. Curfews were determined by age, and raised by one half hour at each birthday. Permission to attend events, such as dance clubs, concerts etc. were pre-set also according to age. If we made an exception to the rule, such as allowing a teen to go to a late night movie with friends, we had to be prepared to allow the same privilege to others the same age. Another thing we did was to impress upon the teens that each of them had equal rights as a member of our family. That included the right to live in our home without being picked on or harassed by one another. On more than one occasion I had to inform a teenager, "You do not have to love your sister. You do not have to like your sister. You do not even have to talk with your sister. But, you do have to respect your sister's right to exist in our home." I learned early on not to get involved in disputes between two teenagers in our home. For one thing no matter how fair I tried to be, I would always be accused by

Chapter 16

one of favoring the other. Often both sides swore I was favoring the other. (I never did figure out how that was possible.) Another reason it is unwise to intervene unless really necessary is that teenagers have a tendency to resolve their own disputes very quickly. Many times I would observe the teens fighting like cats and dogs, only to walk out of the house together as friends less than an hour later. It is unusually rare to use completely opposite techniques to solve the same problem. With sibling rivalry however, I did just that. Sometimes I would insist that feuding teenagers separate and go to different rooms until they were ready to get along with each other. Other times I would insist they stay in the same room until they worked out their differences. Both techniques worked reasonably well. Perhaps it was because they realized when I gave those orders it was a sign that I had seen and heard enough, and they had better back it down. Or it may have just been the realization that they were not going to be able to leave the house until their dispute was settled. Beyond that, I rarely allowed myself to get involved in fights between the teenagers. The exception to that rule was if the dispute became physical. Violence between siblings should not be tolerated. Parents need to watch for any indication that a dispute is escalating into a physical confrontation, and strongly step in if that possibility exists. For many years the Country of China has mandated that parents only have one child. Leaders there claim the law is to hold down the population growth in a country that has too many people. Personally, I think we are being lied to. I think the real reason is to prevent sibling rivalry.

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

FIGHTING THE WAR ON DRUGS AT HOME. During The past several years we have heard from time to time about the war on drugs. The federal government has vowed to fight the war on our borders, while state officials have promised to prevent drugs from coming through on their highways. And, local police have made nwnerous raids on drug houses, and have arrested many dealers. The result, teenagers are doing more drugs now then ever before. One of the problems is that new drugs have been introduced. They do not require being smuggled into our country, or being transported long distances to reach the users. The reality is this, the best defense your teens can have against drug use is you. Read and listen to everything you can on the subject. Learn how to recognize the signs of drug use. Talk to your teens often about the dangers of drugs. Most of all is be prepared for the fight of your life if you discover your teenager is a drug user. If you seriously suspect that your teenager may be using drugs arrange for a surprise drug test. Don't buy the, ''what don't you trust me" argwnent. If a teenager is not using drugs, then they should not have any objection to a random drug test. Be wary of statements like, "I only smoke pot, and 1 can stop at any time" or "Yes 1tried drugs a couple of times, but 1 didn't like it so 1 stopped." If drug use is confirmed it is time to go into action. Start by informing the teenager that all rules have changed. From now on, you want to know exactly where they are, whom they are with, and what they are doing. Then find a drug program for them. The type of program should depend on

Chapter 17

the type and frequency of their drug use. Programs range from "in-patient" drug rehabs, to one hour participation at Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Whatever help you get for your teenager, become involved in what is being done. If your teenager goes into a rehab program, make sure to maintain a regular contact with the staff. That way you are kept advised on the progress your teen is making. Of course, visit your teenager whenever permitted and make sure they know you are there to support them. If the decision is for your teen to attend one of the Narcotic Anonymous programs, go with them, if the meetings allow you to. When necessary take steps to protect valuables in your home. Drug users often become very adapt at lying and stealing. They lie to cover up their drug use, and steal to pay for it. During the many years that we have raised teenagers I believe that we have dealt with every normal behavior problem faced by parents. The one that was most difficult, the one that was the most time consuming, and the one that was the most heart wrenching, was parenting a teen on drugs.

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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

PARENTING ADULT KIDS. Many times I have heard parents say, "I can't wait until my kid turns 18. Then I can take it easy." My response often was, "Yeah kids can't wait until they tum 18 so they can leave home. Then they can't wait until they tum 18Y2 so they can return." The fact is, with the economy being what it is today most teenagers are staying with their parents well beyond the legal age of adulthood. Even many of those that move out soon realize that they can't afford to live on their own, and make a hasty return back home. A parent's job doesn't stop when their teen reaches 18. Actually the job often gets more difficult. There are some steps a parent can take to make the transition easier.. Once again proper communication is the key. This communication should take place well before your teenager's birthday. It is a good idea to decide what rules will change and then discuss them with the teen approaching adulthood. In our home we always went with the, "our house our rules" policy. Some of those rules had to be modified however, in deference to the adult status afforded the teen on their 18th birthday. If our teenager was still in high school we insisted that school night curfews remain in effect. On school nights, the curfew that was in effect prior to their birthday remained the deadline for them to be in the house. On non足 school nights the young adult could stay out as long as they chose. School attendance and performance was also an issue that we continued to supervise. In our school system 18-year-olds had the right to sign their own absentee

Chapter 18

excuses and receive report cards directly, but we insisted on being kept infonned on these matters. Rules involving the use of obscene language remained the same. Turning 18 did not carry with it the right to become a gutter mouth. The right to obtain a tattoo or to get body piercing was one act that I felt was their choice even though I was totally against it. Thankfully, not every teen ran offto get a tattoo on their 18th birthday. A few did sport small butterflies or roses eventually. Driving privileges continued to remain in our domain. I did not hesitate to take car keys away from any teen caught driving recklessly or coming home from a party where liquor was consumed. It did not matter whether they were driving our car or one they had purchased themselves. If a young adult was finished with school they were mandated to hold a job and contribute a small reasonable amount into the household budget. Seeing how they were getting shelter, food and laundry service, we rarely got any flack about that request. When I hear a parent tell me that they are Unable to control a teen in their home beyond the age of 18, I usually suspect that the problem was there long before that. If anything, control is often easier once that magic age has been reached. For then a parent can finally whisper those magic words into the ear of a defying teenager, "I love you very much. But, if you don't like the rules here.. Move out."

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

CHAPI'ER NINETEEN

AVOIDING VERBAL ABUSE. First lets clear up a misconception. Yelling or screaming at a teenager is not verbal abuse. Nor does that action necessarily tear down a teen's self-esteem in any way, shape, or form. The idea that raising ones voice to a teenager is abusive is a theory which appears to have originated from state social worker agencies, and took on a life of its own. It has virtually no basis in fact. It is possible to abuse a teenager verbally, but it is what is said, not the tone, that is used, that determines verbal abuse. There are certain terms that a parent should never use when criticizing a teenager. For example, do not tell a teen that they are bad, dumb or stupid. It is okay to say that what they have done was a bad move, a dumb act, or a stupid thing to do, but it is important to separate the action from the teen themselves. The words fat, ugly, ignorant, and useless should not be directed at a teen. The statement that they will never amount to anything is one that should not be voiced to a teenager. It can tear down a teenager's self esteem. If a teen is told that often enough, they may tend to believe it. A teenager who believes they will not amount to anything very likely will not. PREVENTING THE FIRST STEPS TOWARDS PHYSICAL ABUSE. I am totally convinced that no parent wakes up in the morning with the idea that they are going to physically abuse their teenagers. Yet thousands of teens are abused daily by normally loving parents. The reason this occurs is because parents often react, rather than act, when dealing with a behavior problem.

Chapter 19

More often than not, physical abuse starts with an angry parent chastising a teenager about an improper behavior action. As the conversation progresses the teen argues back, and the words get louder and nastier. Sometimes one or more obscene words are shouted, and the parent loses their cool. Physical abuse can be prevented if a parent recognizes the first steps leading to it, and takes the proper action to stop it from occurring. Attempting to resolve a situation while you, are angry is an almost certain way to court disaster. Proper action might not just prevent you from physically abusing a teenager, but also lessens the possibility that you will say something you will later regret. Some years, and many teens ago, I found myself in a nasty argument with a teenage girl in our home. When the teen began using obscene words and telling me what I could do with the order I issued grounding her, I responded by telling her to pack her cloths and get the hell out of our house. She ran into her bedroom, and as I stood there I quickly realized how stupidly I had acted. I had just told a girl who had been in seven homes in two years that she had to move again. I walked to her bedroom and found her throwing cloths into a suitcase. It took me almost an hour to convince her that I really didn't mean what I said. It also took many weeks before I felt comfortable being in charge ofher again. Since that day I have tried to act rather than react no matter what the situation. Doing so has even entailed walking out of the house and taking a short walk on occasion when I thought a dispute was getting near the boiling point. My first choice was always to get the teen to leave the area. If that didn't work, I would walk away myself. When we both calmed down I would re-start the conversation and continue until we got it settled.

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(At one seminar I presented, a parent asked why would I walk. away from a teenager I was chastising? "After all, the person continued, "You are suppose to be the one in control of the situation." My response was simple. "By walking away I was controlling the situation.") I attempted to use the same "calm down first" procedure any time I decided to discipline a teen in my home. Unlike when dealing with a young child, punishment melted out to a teenager is just as effective when enforced a few hours or even days after the offense. This is true regardless of the type of discipline, and particularly a factor when physical punishment is employed. The best way to avoid physically abusing a teenager is to recognize the first steps that tend to lead there. Teach yourself the importance of acting, not reacting, when you find yourself in a confrontational situation. PREVENTING THE FIRST STEPS TOWARDS SEXUAL ABUSE. First let's start with a few very relevant facts. The perpetrator of sexual abuse of a teenager is most likely to be someone either related, a person known to the family, or someone in charge of the victim. Sexual abuse may be an ongoing act occurring over a period of years, starting when the child is young, or it may be a single occurrence that happens when the victim is a teenager. Regardless, one thing is consistent; the act leaves scars on the victim that they carry for the rest of their lives. Since this publication deals with advice for parents of teenagers I am going to address ways to be aware of and prevent the first steps that can lead to sexual abuse of children in that age group. There are three things that a parent should watch for. They are, SOUND, SIGHT and TOUCH. SOUND is all about what is said between a parent in the home and the teenager. There should be two different

Chapter 19

levels always in place between the two, and care should be taken to make sure that status is maintained at all times. Any conversation that has the路 effect of allowing a teenager to feel like a peer to an adult is highly dangerous. Such conversations include those that contain obscene words, or humor that has sexual content. A parent who tells an obscene joke to a teenager or allows their child to tell them one is elevating that teen to a peer level. A parent who sits in front of a television set with a teenager and makes comments regarding the sexual activity taking place on screen is likewise eliminating the line that should exist between adult and teenager. Sound is also a factor in the message that a parent might send to their teenager. For example, there is nothing wrong with a father complimenting his daughter who has dressed up to go out with her boyfriend with the comment, "Daughter, you look very nice tonight." Or, even "Daughter, you look very pretty tonight." However there is a big problem if the father said to that same girl, "Daughter you look very sexy tonight" or ''Daughter you look very hot tonight." There is the possibility that the next time that teen dresses up for a date she might stand in front of her mirror and think, gees Dad really liked the way I looked the other night. Maybe if I wear my skirt a little shorter and my blouse just a little lower, he will like me even more. Teenagers seek approval from their parents. Consequently, when complimenting a teen a parent has to be aware ofjust what message they are sending. NO TEENAGER SHOULD LOOK SEXY OR HOT IN THE EYES OF THEIR PARENTS. Any parent who voices that thought to their teen is flirting with a danger that they should not want to be part of. SIGHT is about how parents pennit their teenager to be seen by others. One classic example I voice is the teenager who goes shopping at a mall and comes home

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with a skimpy two-piece bathing suit. The teen puts the suit on and then walks into the living room to show it off to her parents. Her father takes one look at it and says, "Daughter if you wear that suit to the beach, I will see that you never leave this house again." "But Dad, it is no different than what everyone wears," the teen replies. "You heard me. You are not to wear that suit at the beach," the father repeats. "Okay Dad. But, can I wear it in our yard when I sun bath?" "Yeah okay. You can wear it around our house. But not to the beach," the father says, satisfied that he has done his job. Now, what is wrong with that picture? The answer is simple. If the bathing suit was not appropriate for the teenager to wear at the beach, a place were there is likely to be many other females wearing similar, or even skimpier, suits, then why is it okay for her to wear it around the house and yard where she is the only female dressed like that? Let's look at who is likely to see her while she relaxes around her yard? To start with there is her father and brothers. The grandfather who lives with them. Her uncles who often drop in to visit. The mailman and every delivery person who comes to the house. The neighbors on both sides of their house. The people who live on the street behind their home. And anyone who might walk past their driveway, which allows a view into the yard. Then there is the possibility that the teenager might decide to walk to the comer store, which she was not told she could not do. So you can add another few dozen adult males who will g~ to see the teen dressed in a bathing suit which her father felt was to provocative for her to wear at a public beach. The same danger applies when parents allow their teenager to wear jeans that are too tight, skirts that are too short and blouses that are too low. Parents, who feel they

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have nothing to say about how their teenager dresses, are advocating their responsibility. True, there are trends that every teen wants to adhere to,. but the :final word on what is appropriate should rest with the parent. TOUCH has to do with the seemingly innocent contact between an adult and teenager of the opposite sex. On top of the list is backrubs. Although in the majority of cases backrubs are nothing more than an innocent act, there is undisputable proof that they were the first step to sexual abuse in many cases involving an adult and teenager. Other types of touch that should.be viewed with caution include friendly boxing, wrestling, or horseplay of any type that tends to end up with one party holding onto or pinning the other against a wall or on the floor. Again, any of the preceding action may be completely innocent. Or, it may be the first step towards sexual abuse. Parents have to be aware. There is of course, a danger of becoming paranoid and misreading perfectly hanDless interaction. But there is a bigger danger in not recognizing a real problem Be alert to how you and others relate to your teenagers. Most of all, listen to yo路ur teen, and take seriously anything that they may tell you about anyone they feel uncomfortable with. Loving them is important. Protecting them is equally so.

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

CHAPTER TWENTY

WHEN IS IT TIME TO GET TOUGH WITH YOUR TEENAGER? During the more than 30 years that Joyce and I were raising teenagers we had dealt with just about every outrageous behavior problem imaginable. Most of the time, we handled the situations with a combination of love, patience and when called for, discipline. There were a few times however w4en we had to get tough with a teen. Like any caring parents, we feared that taking a tough stand might drive the teenager away. But we decided that we would rather lose a teenager to another home or even the streets, than to lose them to death, drugs or a long time jail term. Let's look at some of the times that a parent might consider seriously getting tough with their teenager, and some ways to do it. If you discover that your teen is using drugs, it is time to get tough. Which means you get them help. You don't ask You don't suggest. You don't buy into their explanation that they can stop on their oWn. You find the best affordable drug abuse program available in your area and enroll them into it. Make it clear that you will stick by them, but make it even clearer that the fun times are over and you will make all the decisions regarding their activities until further notice. If your teenager is ruling your home, it is time to get tough. Sometimes one teen can get so out of control that their actions completely disrupts the rest of the household. When this occurs, it is hard to figure out who the parents are in the home. It is time to get tough. Taking back control of your home will not be an easy task It will require a firm, no nonsense stand, without backing down. This is even more so the case if therapy is warranted

Chapter 20

and your teen isn't in favor of the idea. Often when a parent lays down the law a teenager will threaten to run away. When I was faced with that threat, I offered to help the. teen pack. On several occasions a teenager who defied our order not to leave the house, found their clothing and personnel belonging on our front step when they returned. That move usually made the teenager realize that we were dead serious, and brought about a change in attitude. If your teenager is a chronic runaway, it is time to get tough. You may not be able to stop a teen from running away, but you can prevent them from returning. Runaways usually end up at a friend's house.. Not too many parents want to feed someone else's teenager for more than a few days. When they decide to return home, there is an ideal opportunity to establish the grounds on which that will be permitted. . There are other times when parellts may have to get tough with their teenagers. Situations that call for that stern action will vary. The one constant is that you have to be convinced that the problem is serious enough to demand Once you do, you have to stand your such a move. ground, regardless ofhow much it hurts to do so.

BRING BACK THE WOODSHED

SUMMARY

I recall reading somewhere years ago a father saying that by the time they got to be a good parent all his kids were grown. There is a lot of logic in that statement, because I think we get better as parents as we gain experience. I know that was definitely the case with me. I learned something from every one of the 32 teens we parented. Parenting is the toughest job in the world. It is the only occupation where you are truly on duty 24 hours a day seven days a week. Throughout my many years of parenting I have listened to state social workers that thought they were experts, and experts who thought they were social worker. In most cases they knew as much about parenting as I do about building a space capsule. When I really needed an answer I went to another parent. They are the real experts. Parenting is basically a trial and error thing. I have often heard parents say that children do not come with a handbook. That is even truer with teenagers. {have to think that is because all kids and parents are different. What works with one often fails badly with another. The greatest chance of success however rests with those parents who are not afraid to take charge. Likewise the most likely to fail is the parent who is afraid to love, supervise and discipline their teenage. Years ago parents were not afraid to control their teenagers. And, teens as a group grew up a lot happier, healthier and more responsible. They also respected their parents, teachers and others in authority. Maybe it is truly time to turn back the clock and bring back the woodshed.