Raising reasonable parents by Arnold Herman

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A Handbook For Teenagers

By Arnold D. Herman

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

By Arnold D. Herman

Experience Counts Inc.

P.O.Box 14

Keansburg, NJ 07734

Website: Experiencecountsinc.org

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

Aclmowledgement This handbook is dedicated to thirty-three teenagers. Thirty-two of them are teenagers that my wife Joyce and I raised. They are the ones responsible for teaching me how to be a reasonable parent. Each and every one of them taught me something, and in doing so paved the way for an easier time for the next teenager that joined our family. The thirty-third one is a teenager that I have yet to meet, but consider a very special person. She is the designer of the cover and the illustrations for "Raising Reasonable Parents." She also assisted me with suggestions on topics contained in this handbook. To Alexis N. Kirkland ajkj a Sherlock I extend my heartfelt gratitude. Thanks also to Kellie Ayers for her efforts in editing this handbook on such short notice. Lastly to those whose financial donations to Experience Counts Inc. have helped to make this handbook a reality, be assured that your contribution is helping in the fight to prevent child abuse.

INTRODUCTION "Raising Reasonable Parents" is a handbook that should be read carefully by every teenager desiring to improve relations with their parents. The fact is, parents raise their kids mostly by instinct using trial and error. They do what they feel is right, and then stick with the techniques that appear to work. In the process they 0 ften make changes to their parenting techniques. Some parents tend to get stricter with their children when they reach the teen years. Others get more lenient. Most go back and forth as they search for that perfect medium that will result in a happy, yet well-behaved teenager. As a teenager you can playa part in influencing how your parents deal with you. There are three things you will need to know, 1. How to understand your parent's thinking. 2. How to communicate your requests for changes. 3. How to retain the changes once you succeed in obtaining them. Raising "Reasonable Parents" contains information on all three, plus suggestions on how to make your life as a teenager more pleasant. In addition, "Raising Reasonable Teens" contains tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of physical and sexual abuse. Although it is completely the responsibility of the parents to see that this never occurs, there are things that teenagers can do to prevent the first steps towards abuse. The teenage years are a period that will challenge you daily. Hopefully this handbook will help you get through those years a little bit easier.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Arnold D. Herman and his wife Joyce have raised a total of 32 teenagers. Five were their own children. Twenty-two were foster children placed in their home by the New Jersey Division of Youth & Family Services (DYFS Agency). The State's Family Court System gave him custody of two others. Another was a neighborhood girl who came to spend a weekend, and stayed two and one-half years. The remaining two were related teens who were not doing well in their home. Twenty-eight of the teehS were female. Most of them were hard to handle abused youngsters who had been in multiple foster homes and residential placements before coming to their home. Mr. Herman has written a number of articles and books on ways to improve relation between parents and teens. His most recent handbook for parents dealing with adolescents and teenagers titled, "Bring Back The Woodshed" has been requested by readers in 49 states and 10 foreign countries. He has also authored a commercial book detailing his experiences with foster children and the N.J. Foster Care System titled, "In Crisis With DYFS." He presently is the director of a non-profit child abuse prevention organization. His duties include presenting workshops and seminars on "Advanced Parenting Technique" to parents, and tips for "Dealing With Your Parents" to adolescents and teenagers. .

INDEX

Acknowledgement Introduction About The Author Communicating With Your Parents WrmenCommunicmmn Off The Record Communication Getting Your Parents To Say "Yes." Picking The Right Friends Introducing Your True Love To Your Parents Being Honest With Your Parents Starting Over As Day One Gaining Your Parents Trust Things You Should Not Tell Your Parents Do You Feel Your Parents Nag You Too Much Parents Need Love Also Helping Your Parents Keep You In School Dealing With Parents Who Have Split Up Accepting Punishment When It Is Called For Dealing With Sibling Rivalry Picking The Right Role Model Avoiding The First Steps Towards Physical Abuse Avoiding The First Steps Towards Sexual Abuse Living At Home After You Turn 18 Summary

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

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CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER ONE

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COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR PARENTS. "I can't talk to my parents." This is a statement that I have heard thousands of times in my years of dealing with teenagers. Usually if a teen cannot talk to their mother or father, it is the parents who are as fuult. However, there are a number of things that a teenager can do to improve communication with their parents. Let's start with the most common form of communication, verbal communication, the act of talking with your parents. No matter how good or how bad your verbal communication relationship is with your parents, there are ways you can improve it. There are three factors to keep in mind when working to better verbal communication They are; timing, location and method of delivery. TIMING. Take a little time to study your parent's schedule. There are highs and lows as they go about their day. You need to determine when is the right time to talk to them. In most cases, the best time will be during the evening when the day's routine is behind them. Of course this will vary if your parents work evenings or have other major responsibilities that they are involved with during that time. It may also be beneficial to approach your parent in advance and inquire whether they will have time to sit and chat with you later in the day. By adhering to their

RAISING RESONABLE PARENTS

schedule, you will improve the chance that your parents will be more understanding of what you have to say. LOCATION. Most teenager parent conversations take place in the home. Even in your house there are rooms that are better than others for you to talk with your parents. Try to select an area where your parent feel comfortable. This might be at the kitchen table or relaxing on the living room sofa. Your bedroom, on the other hand is probably the worst place to talk with your parents. Most parents, myself included, immediately get into a fowl mood upon entering a teenager's room if that area resembled the local city dump. Additionally many parents don't feel relaxed in their teenager's room because they feel they are invading their kid's space. Many of my teenagers reversed a technique that I had used on them. They would take the conversation out of the house and that usually worked very effectively. They would come in before their curfew and approach me with the request, "Dad, I need to talk with you. Can we go to the 7~11 store and get a cup ofcoffee?" If! complied with their request, we would sit in the parking lot at the convenience store and discuss whatever was on their mind. If a trip by car was not feasible, they would go for the next best thing, which was requesting that we sit on the porch or go for a walk. It was an excellent way for the teenager to be assure that they had my undivided attention, and me in the best listening mood. METHOD OF DELIVERY. No teenager likes to be yelled at. No parent does either. Getting into a shouting match with your parents is the worst way to communicate. The best way to talk with your parents is to do so calmly in a normal voice. Of course, that is sometimes easier said than done. Especially if the conversation is not going your way. So the trick is to teach yourself how to remain calm. Before getting into the conversation go over in your mind what reaction your statements will have on your parents.

CHAPTER 1

Prepare yourself for the worst possible response. Then rehearse how you will react to that response. Of course you're not going to know exactly what you are going to run into. However, if you train yourself to remain calm, you will likely find that the conversation will go smoother than it would have if you had lost control. Keep in mind that even if your ftrst attempts at sincere verbal communication don't go well doesn't mean that attempts made in the future will also fail. Often it takes time and a number of efforts before parents will respond properly to their teenager's requests to talk.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

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CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER TWO WRITTEN CONVERSATION. There is another form of communication that is highly effective. It is written communication. I discovered just how well it can work years ago when I had a 14-year-old teenager who did not talk to me for five straight weeks. It started simply enough. We were engaged in a heated argument when the young lady began to get really nasty with her comments. Deciding that the conversation was beginning to get out of control, I said strongly that I did not want to hear another word. The young lady then stated just as strongly, "Okay, then I will not talk to you at all," and she stormed away. Deciding to not let her have the last words I shouted to her. "Well then, you'd better learn how to send smoke signals, because sooner or later, you are going to want something from me." I went off to a meeting shortly afterwards. When I returned later that evening there was a note for me on the kitchen table. It read: Dad,

I need $12.00 for school pictures tomorrow. That is i(you want to have pictures o(me. Also need $2 for lunch. Please leave thatfor me. Monica.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

I took 14 dollars out of my wallet and placed it on the table. Then I scribbled on the bottom of her note:

Monica. Here is lunch and picture money. Be sure to save me an 8xlO photo. I might want to hang it on my dartboard. Love, Dad The next day when I arrived home from work there was a four-page letter lying on my desk. I opened and read it carefully. The letter was from Monica and it contained page after page of hate. She stated in the letter that she hated me, she hated her foster mother, she hated the house, she hated her school, she hated the other kids in our house, she hated the neighborhood and she hated Ranger, our pet mixed breed beagle. I threw the letter down and tried to put it out of my mind. Later that night I picked it up, reread it and typed up a reply. I started by telling Monica that if she wanted to hate me she would have to take a number and get in line. Then I softened up my comments a bit and stated that I was sorry to hear that she hated me, because I truly loved her. I went on to respond to each of her statements, and said that I understood she was hurting from all the abuse she had suffered prior to coming to our home. But, she was misdirecting her anger towards the wrong people. I concluded my reply by mentioning if she really hated Ranger then maybe I should not let him sleep at the foot of her bed every night as she coached him to do. The next evening there was a short note on my desk from Monica informing me that she didn't really hate Ranger, and asking me to please not prevent him from sleeping in her room. I scribbled the letters "O.K." on the bottom of her note and handed it to her without comment.

CHAPTER 2

Monica and I went almost five weeks without saying one word to each other... But, we still communicated. She wrote me letters, left me notes, and found different ways of getting her messages across. Just short of five weeks of silence, Monica wrote on the bottom of one of her notes, "P.S. I'll talk to you now if you would like." We started talking to each other again. I am not suggesting that any teenager not talk to their parents for five weeks. (Although there may be some parents that would be thrilled with that idea.) What I am suggesting is that written communication can be a very effected tool for many reasons. Written communication allows you to say what you want, while also allowing you the opportunity to make corrections. The message that your parents will read should be is the best wording that you can put forth. Written communication allows you to present your message to your parent and not be present when they read it. The possibility that you will be facing angry parents is therefore lessened. Written conversation also makes it clear exactly what you have said, eliminating any arguments that often occur over who said what. Written communication allows a parent to read the message and think it over, rather than being faced with making an immediate response to what has been said. Many times when I receive a written letter or note .from one of my teenagers they request. that I respond in writing also. I usually comply with that request. Written correspondence does not require a special talent in putting words on paper. Many times a small note with the words, "Dad have a nice day," or "Dad, sorry I was such brat last night," made my entire day. Try it with your parents. The result may surprise you.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

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CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER THREE OFF THE RECORD COMMUNICATION. There was no form of communication in our home more important to our teenagers than the "off the record agreement" that I developed years ago. The only drawback to this form of communication is that many parents will not go along with it. However, if you can convince your parents of the value of such an arrangement you will be opening the door to a very unusual method of communication. I came upon the "offthe record" communication idea very accidentally. A number of years ago a local police officer knocked on my door and informed me that he had a warrant for my teenage son's arrest. When I inquired as to what the boy had done, I was told that he had received a speeding ticket that he hadn't paid. The court sent him two notices to appear, and when he ignored them also, the judge issued a warrant for his arrest. Following the officer's instructions, I drove my son to police headquarters where he was fmger printed and a mug shot taken. I then left a $50 bond to assure his appearance in court and he was allowed to leave. Several days later I went with him to court and shelled out $120 for what would have been a $35 fine if he had paid it on time. Because he didn't pay it on time, the judge had added warrant and court charges onto the fine. On the way back

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

home, I asked him sternly why didn't he pay the ticket when it was due? "Because. I didn't have the money." he answered. "Why didn't you ask me for the money?" "Because I knew you would hit the roofifI told you I got a speeding ticket." Lying in bed that night I couldn't get to sleep. I was extremely angry with my son. Why in the world couldn't he come and tell me he gotten a speeding ticket. I would much rather have given him $35 then, as opposed to having to shell out $120 today. The more I thought about it the angrier I became. Sure, I would not have been happy that he got caught speeding, but I wasn't about to agree with his assessment that I would have gone through the roof What the hell was wrong with that kid, I kept asking myself? Suddenly a thought occurred to me. Am I angry with the wrong person? If my son cannot tell me he received a ticket, is it his fault or mine? After considering that question for a few minutes, I concluded that it could not possibly be my fault. I worked as a newspaper reporter and people, many of them strangers, talk to me all the time. In fact, I had succeeded in breaking a number of investigative stories because I gotten people to talk to me. Then it hit me. Yes, people talk to me, but, they often do so only after I assure them that our conversation is "off the record." That way they can talk to me without fear that there will be any reprisals from the information that they give me during our conversation. I jumped out of bed, sat at my desk, and scribbled down some notes so I would not forget my idea. The following evening I sat at our kitchen table with Joyce and six teenagers and we designed an '''off the record" agreement. It became a technique that I extended to every teen to enter our home from that day on, and the results have been phenomenal. The rules we agreed to for going "off the record are" very simple. They are also very

CHAPTER 3

stringent. If a teen requested to talk to me "off the record" and I agreed, I was promising in advance that what ever they told me would be completely forgotten when we went back "on the record." That meant that I could not punish them or hold against them anything they told me during that conversation. Also, I could not bring it up once we are back "on the record." I could not, for example, forbid them to go over to a friends house based on information they had told me "off the record," about the last time they were there, when other teens present were drinking alcohol or smoking marijuana In other words, it is like the conversation never took place. There were three rules that a teen had to adhere to if they desired to talk to me "off the record." They could only do so if the situation they wanted to discuss was one that I would not learn of without them telling me. For example, they could not request to go "off the record" and then tell me that they would be getting a bad report card next week. I would learn of that next week anyway. They could not tell me off the record that they were caught shoplifting at the local supermarket and the store manager planned to call me that evening. Because again, I would fmd out about that without them telling me. The second rule was that they had to be completely honest with me while talking "off the record." There was to be no telling me part of the story while leaving out other parts. The third rule was, they could not go off the record with me about the same offense more than once. Since the "off the record" agreement has been used at one time or another by every teen in our home, I have heard some horrible stories. However, in many cases I was able to resolve a situation while we were "off the record." An example follows. It involves a 16-year-old living in our home who came to me one summer evening. "Dad, I need to talk to you. " She said.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

"Okay, daughter. I'm listening". "But I need to talk to you offthe record. "Okay daughter we are offthe record. Now what's the problem? " "Well... Uh ... You know how hot it's been lately. I kind'a went out last night after you and Mom went to bed... And... I went to the beach. "WHAT. You snuck out ofthe house last night? "Yes, Dad. "Well I guess I'm going to have to start getting up at night and making bed checks again. " "You won't have to do that Dad I'm not going to sneak out anymore ... But there's something else I have to tell you. " "More. Go ahead, I'm listening. "Well You know the beach is almost two milesfrom here. 1, well I kind'a took your car to get there. "Huh! YOU TOOK MY CAR. ARE YOU INSANE? YOU DON'T EVEN HA VE A DRIVER'S LICENSE. " "But I am taking Drivers Ed in school. Think ofit as me doing homeworkfor that class. " "I can't believe it. You took my car last night. "Actually Dad, I took it last Monday, Tuesday, Thursday & Friday nights. " "Monday, Tuesday, Thurs ... WHAT HAPPENED TO WEDNESDAY? "It rained that night... Remember Dad we are off the record. " "] know. And while we are "off the record" I'm going to let you in on two secrets. One,] am going to check your room periodically at night. Two, I am going to jot down the mileage on my car's speedometer when] park it at night. If you move one inch out ofyour room, or my car moves one-tenth ofa milefrom our driveway, you are H

CHAPTER 3

going to be in very serious trouble. Do you understand me?" "Yes Dad I'm really sorry. Can we please go back on the record now? " "Okay daughter. Just remember what I told you. " "Yes Dad I will. I promise. " Now since I could not punish Lisa because our conversation was "offthe record," your first thought is that she got away with something terrible. Although that may be true, let's examine what occurred here. If she hadn't told me that she was sneaking out and taking my car, I probably would not have been aware of it. If I wasn't aware of it the following week she might have done it again. Maybe the next time she would have gotten in an accident. She might have injured herself or someone else, or she might have even killed herself or someone else. Obviously she would have never told me without our "going "off the record" agreement. Lisa probably suspected that once I was told what had been occurring, I would fmd a way to stop it. So yes, she got away with it and escaped punishment. But" she would have done that anyway, since I had no clue what was going on. It goes without saying that some of the things I have heard from teens during "off the record" conversations have路 been disturbing. There were times that I almost wished I didn't allow that agreement. However, I believe that ifl had a teenager with a problem, the fact that I didn't know about it did not change the fact that the situation existed. It was better that I knew, and would perhaps be able to help rather than hide my head in the sand and pretend the problem didn't exist. If you enter into an "off the record agreement" with your parents it is also allowable for your parent to initiate an "off the record" conversation with you as well. I have done that on a number ofoccasions to check out a rumor I

RAISING REASON PARENTS

have heard. If I asked a teen to go "off the record" with me, the same rules applied. After the talk was over, we both were required to forget we had it, and there could be no reprisals as a result of the conversation. The only exception that a allows a parent to violate the agreement would be if a teen told them that they planned to kill themselves, or someone else. Obviously, in that case they would have to take action to prevent that from happening. The "off the record" agreement will only work as long as both sides adhere to the rules. Not every parent can listen to some of the things they will hear without violating their end. Not every teenager can comply with the part that applies to them also. Once either side violates the agreement, it will no longer be effective. So I suggest that if you are considering entering into this agreement with your parents, be sure that you are prepared to stick to the rules. When used correctly, the "off the record" agreement opens up a communication method between parents and teenagers that is as effective as it is unique. You will have to determine whether it is feasible for you and your parents.

CHAPTER 4

DO YOU KNOW WHY YOUR PARENTS DENY YOU PERMISSION TO GO PLACES AND DO rnINGS

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RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

CHAPTER FOUR GETTING YOUR PARENTS TO SAY "YES." Do you know why your parents deny you permission to go places and do things? a. They are afraid you will get hurt? b. They are fearful that you will get into trouble? c. They do not want you to have any fun? If they are normal parents only a and b apply. Parents say ''no'' to their teenagers because they are either afraid they will get injured or get into trouble. Once you understand their fear it is possible to increase the chances that you will get approval for your requests. The first step is to consider what your parent's objections will be. Then work out your presentation before approaching them. The more accurate information you can give on where, when and with who you plan to be, the better your chance of g~ing approval. Instead of saying that you would like to go to the mall "with friends," give the names of those you plan to go with. Specify what time you plan to go, when you plan to return and who will be supplying the transportation. Then relate how your parents will be able to reach you if necessary, either by cell phone or by you calling home at a pre arranged time. If your request is to attend a party or sleepover at a friend's house assure your parents of the supervision that will be there. Give them the name and telephone number of the parent that will be present, and suggest that they verify that there will be an adult present. For permission to go to a teen dance club or late night movie, tell your parents that they may, if they wish, drive you there and pick you up when it is time to come

CHAPTER 4

horne. That will usually take a lot of apprehension away from the cautious parent. If you parents deny your request remain calm and respectful. Determine what their objection is and then see if there is any way you can change their mind. If you accept their original decision without giving them a huge argument, there is a good chance that you may later be able to renew the request, and even convince them to change their mind. Keep in mind the timing, location and method of delivery tips in chapter one. Parents often make decisions based on the mood they are in, rather than the information they receive. Needless to say, the more your parents trust you, the better the chance you have of getting approval for various activities. The subject of gaining the trust of your parents is discussed in detail in Chapter Nine.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

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CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER FIVE PICKING THE RIGHT FRIENDS. As a teenager you will probably be faced with dozens of decisions every day. Who you hang out with will be one of the most important. A friend, particularly the one you choose to be your best friend, will be the person that you will share your thoughts and dreams with, laugh and cry with, and who will share most of your free time. They will most likely be the one to keep you on the right path, or the one that will get you into trouble. So selecting that special person should be done with a lot ofthought and care. Obviously there are no suggestions I can make on how to pick your friends. Every teenager is different, and only you can decide whom you like. However, there are some individuals who you should not consider as friend candidates for various reasons. At the top of the list should be drug addicts. Druggies do not make good friends. They have different priorities, needs, and interests than teens who do not use, and are good company only to other addicts. A peer with a reputation for getting into trouble with the law should also be on your "stay away from" list. Remember, if you go with a friend to a place where the person commits a crime, you could be guilty of being a party to it, even if you had no knowledge that it would take place. A person who is much older than you, is normally not a good choice as a best friend either. This is especially true if you are considering someone as a romantic friend.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

A six or seven-year difference in age is no big deal when a couple is in their adult years. However, a 15-year-old girl wanting to go with a 21 or 22-year-old boy could result in problems in addition to the strong objection of her parents. An older boy will have more freedoms than a younger girl. His interests in many areas will be different. He will have a later curfew, or no curfew at all. He will be allowed into places (such as bars and night clubs) where you are not. He might also make requests for sexual activities that you may not be ready to engage in. Obviously similar problems will be present if you are a teenage boy choosing a girl who is much older. Good friends should be peers who you can trust with your deepest secrets. They should be people who will accept you as you are. They should share many of the same interests as you. Most of all they should genuinely care about you, and you about them Choose well.

CHAPTER 6

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RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

CHAPTER SIX INTRODUCING YOUR ''TRUE LOVE' TO YOUR PARENTS. So you met your first love, or latest love. Now you want your parents to meet that person. How you handle that may determine the opinion they have of your friend for a long time to come. If you are a female teenager and you want your parents to approve of your new boyfriend, talk about him whenever a good opportunity comes up. Be honest with them, but emphasize his positive traits. Keep in mind that you want to describe the things that your parents are likely to approve of, not necessarily those you like. They would love to hear that he is a good student in school and planning to go on to college, or that he is out of school but working a full time job in a field that has a real future. Do not brag to your parents about your friend owning a sports car that can go up to 120 miles per hour, a rice burner motorcycle or a complete edition of unedited Eminen compact discs. If the boy picks you up at your home, insist that he come to the door. Most parents get strongly turned offby a boy that picks up their daughter by sitting in the car and blowing his hom. Encourage him to have a few words with your parent if they are nearby. Nothing is more comforting to your parent then hearing, "I will have her home safe and on time." If you are a male teenager you might have to create an opportunity for your new girlfriend to meet your parents.

CHAPTER 6

The best way may be for you to ask your mother if you can invite her over for dinner. A casual dinner is a perfect opportunity for a girl to make a good impression on her boyfriend's parents. Most parents hope that a girlfriend will have a good influence on their son. If your dinner guest makes a good impression, your relationship with her will probably be acceptable to them. If your parents already disapprove of your choice of a current love, try to have an honest discussion with them about their feelings. Their disapproval may be something that is the result of misinformation. or, it may be valid and a fact which you need to consider. Try your best to best to change any negative opinion your parents harbor towards your friend. Sneaking around to be together is never a good option. It will only lead to a bad relationship with your parents. The thing to keep in mind is that your ties to your friend may last a long time or it may come to an end after a short period. Your relationship with your parents however, is forever.

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CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER SEVEN BEING HONEST WITH YOUR PARENTS. I once told a teenager who I was sure was being less than truthful, that she was wasting her time because I had been lied to by experts. The truth was, many of my teenagers lied to me at times, but for the most part they learned that they were better off just telling the truth. Most parents' know when they are being lied to. Even if yours do not confront you about that possibility immediately, there is a good chance that they will learn the truth at a later time and react even more harshly when they do. The fact is, if you lie to your parents it is normally for one of two reasons. One, you have done something that you do not want them to know about. Two, you plan to do something that you do not want them to know about. If you have already done it, there is nothing you can do to change that. So the only question is whether you are better off just admitting what you did, or going through the anxiety of wondering whether your parent will fmd out. If the conversation is about something you intend to do, you might want to reconsider your plan. The fact that you are being questioned about it is an indication that your parents are suspicious, and your chance of being caught is very high. Many parents get more upset about the fact that their teen is not being truthful then with the misbehavior itself

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

I never felt that way, but I found it very settling when one of my teenagers decided to level with me right from the start. I have to concede that I was more lenient with any teen that admitted they screwed up, than I was with one that denied doing something I disapproved of. There is another advantage to being honest. If you buid a reputation for being truthful your dealings with your parents should be much smoother. Parents love it when their teenagers level with them. The truth may not get you out of trouble all of the time, but it can play a big part in reducing the consequences you could be facing. It may not be easy to be honest when facing the wrath of your parents. In fact, it may be extremely difficult. But, if you can do it consistently you may ftnd your relationship with them has improved immensely. Even if it doesn't, consider how much better you will feellf you know you have been truthful.

CHAPTERS

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RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

CHAPTER EIGHT STARTING OVER AS DAY ONE. One very big advantage every teenager who joined our family had was they were allowed to start over. Even though I had a pretty good idea of their background and often-terrible behavior patterns, I assured the teen that they would have a fresh Start in our home. That allowed the teenager a chance to start over without carrying the baggage of previous misdeeds. I eventually discovered that this starting over technique could be used with teenagers already a part of our family as well. With the proper resolve and planning you may be able to convince your parents to allow you to start over with them. The first thing you need to do is decide how you are going to change. The second thing is to figure out how to present the new you to your parents. Begin by thinking about the past behavior that yOur parents objected to. Then figure out ways that will prevent you from doing the same things again. Once you have worked out ways to reform sit down with your parents and request a "start over" deal. Explain that beginning tomorrow you are going to make your best attempt to change your behavior. Give them the details on how you plan to accomplish this feat. then tell them that what you would like in return is a clean slate, and to be judge on future actions, not thpse which you have exhibited in the past. You will have to find the words to convince

CHAPTER 8

them that if given a fresh start you are going to change your ways. Chances are your parents will be doubtful. However, even if they do not initially agree to a fresh start you may be able to gain their agreement eventually by showing them that you are sincere. This may take a little time and patience on your part. It is not a good idea to misuse the request to start over with your parents. You should not bring it up unless you are certain that a fresh start will make a difference in your actions. You should not use the technique as an attempt to avoid punishment. Starting over will only work if your parents are open to giving it a try. If you are sincere in your desire to make a fresh start, and willing to make the changes to make it work, then this technique could be beneficial for you.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

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CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER-NINE GAINING YOUR PARENTS TRUST. "My parents don't trust me." That is a statement that I have heard often from teenagers I have dealt with. Further discussion with the teen often revealed that there were one or more incidents that led to the lack of trust they got from their parent. Regardless of the reason however, there are some things you can do to get you parent to trust you more. Parents hesitate to trust their teens for the very same reasons they often deny permission for social activities. They are fearful that the teenager will get into trouble or harmed in some way. Gaining more trust is not going to be easy or happen overnight. But it can be done if you are willing to put the effort into it. Basically you have to go on a campaign to convince your parents that their fears are not valid. Consider why it is that your parents refuse to trust you. Once you have made that determination, go to work on changing their minds. If their concern is about where you go and what you do when you are out, take steps to show them that there will not be any problems. Start before you leave the house. Make a list ofthe places you are most likely to be. Give the list to your parents on the way out and tell them that if you wind up some place not on that list you will let them know as soon as you get there. Once you settle in somewhere call home. Even if you are exactly

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

where you said you would be. Continue to call home periodically while you are out. Do this even if you stay in the same place. The idea is to over assure your parent that you are not in harms way, and not getting into trouble. If you continue to check in periodically, it will not be long before you are told that you do not have to call home so often. That should be the first sign that you are making progress in gaining your parent's trust again. Of course this is only going to work if your calls are made from locations where you are allowed to be. If one of your calls home is made from the local police station because you were arrested, you will be back to square one. If the lack of trust is based on your inability to come home on time, prove that you can. Don't just come home on time. Come home 15 minutes early. Be sure that your parents notice your early arrival. Don't rush off to you room. Parents get suspicious of that. Engage your parents in a short conversation. That way they will be aware that you are not high, have not been drinking, and are still in one piece. If your parent's lack of trust is based on an incident where you got into trouble with the law, threw a wild house party while they were away, or became involved with drugs, your job of gaining their trust will be much harder. It might help to have periodic discussions with your parents about what it will take for you to regain their trust. That way, they will be aware of the importance their trust means to you. Depending on how little trust your parents have in you to begin with, it may take a long time and a lot of effort to turn things around. It can be done however. For the most part, parents really want to be able to trust their teenager. It makes life much less stressful for them The key is to understand their thinking and their concern. Then use that knowledge wisely to gain their trust.

CHAPTER 10

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RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

CHAPTER TEN TIDNGS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT TELL YOUR PARENTS. "I tell my parents everything." Whenever I hear that statement from a teenager I think to myself, God I hope not. For no matter how close the parent teen relationship is, there are some things that teenagers should not be telling their parents. Details of sexual relationships rank high on the list. It is very important that your parents be made aware if you are sexually active or thinking seriously about it. That will allow them to see that you have the information and resources to protect you against pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. Intimate details of your sexual activities is information that parents do not, or certainly should not, want to hear. You also should not tell jokes that contain obscene language or are of a sexual nature to your parents. Your parents should not allow such conversations, but if they do not discourage such conduct, it would be wise for you to refrain from doing so. Those kinds of conversations might be acceptable when talking with your friends. However they are not appropriate to have with your parents. (See "Avoiding The First Steps Towards Sexual Abuse," discussed in Chapter 19.) Telling your parents about a dangerous situation that you found yourself in that will never reoccur may not be a

CHAPTER 10

good move either. Example, if you had accepted a ride home from a friend who turned out to be a very careless driver, and you vowed that you would never get into a car driven by that person again. What would you gain by relating the incident to your parents, other then to give them another thing to worry about? Repeating unconfirmed rumors that float around about a schoolmate or friend may not be wise also. If you later find out that the person is really very nice and you want to hang with them, it may be difficult to convince your parents that the rumors were not true, and that you are not just covering for them Telling your parents about misdeeds of your siblings is something that you may want to think about also. Although many parents have different opinions on this matter, I have always tried to teach my teenagers to protect each other. Part of this is not squealing on each other. Of course, if you learn. of information that indicates a sibling is in danger of hurting himself or herself or another person, tell your parents immediately. Obviously, good parent teenager relations are enhanced by honest communication. The more you exchange information with your parents the better off you should be. Just use you common sense when deciding whether a subject is appropriate for discussion.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

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CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN. DO YOU FEEL THAT YOUR PARENTS NAG YOU TOO MUCH? If you feel over-nagged welcome to the club. Virtually every teenager has that feeling at one time or another. With some, it is not just an occasional feeling, but a constant one. If you fall into this group, you may never be able to put a complete stop to the problem of being nagged. However, it is possible to cut down on the number oftimes it occurs. Consider for a moment that the nagging starts with a request. When that request is not complied with, additional ones are made. When the request is made multiple times it becomes nagging. More often than not you will comply with the request eventually. So the trick is to convince your parents that the request only needs to be voiced once. Often parents forget that teenagers are involved in activities that requires their constant presence. They will ask their son to take out the garbage while he is watching a football game that is tied with two minutes to go. Or order their daughter to wash the dishes immediately when she is on the telephone talking with the boy she has been waiting for a call from for over a week. Instead ofjust agreeing to do what ever it is that your parent are requesting, try specifying when you plan to do it. Example, if you are told to take out the garbage, instead of just saying, "I will" indicate when you plan to do it. Example, "I will do it as soon as this game ends." Or, if told to get off the telephone

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

and do the dishes, you might respond with, "Okay, but please allow me to finish this conversation fIrst. I'll be at the sink in 15 minutes or less." By specifying when a task will be done, and sticking to the deadline, you will in effect be taking away the need for your parents to nag you over their requests. The more you take away the opportunity for them to nag, the less they will feel the need to do so. Eventually they may decide that repeated requests are not necessary very often.

CHAPTER 12

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RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

CHAPTER TWELVE PARENTS NEED LOVE ALSO. Okay, you do not have to answer out loud. So be honest. When was the last time you told your parents that you love them? If your answer is more the 48 hours ago, then I have another question. Why? Yes I know, your parents must be aware that you love them. After all you go to school every day. You do what they request most ofthe time. And you generally stay out of trouble. So it obviously goes without saying that they are your favorite parents. Why then should you have to tell then that they mean the world to you? The answer is simple. Parents need to hear that they are loved. Even more importantly, they deserve to hear it. From the day you were born until the present, they have cared fOf, provided for, and worried about you in ways you .can't even imagine. Chances are it does not register in your mind as doing anything exceptional because that is what parents normally do. Until the day that you have raised a teenager or two, you will never be fully aware of the effort that goes into being a parent. So if you are willing to concede that maybe your parents do deserve to be told they are loved, then the next step is to review how and when to let them know. Obviously the simplest way is to just tell them verbally. The most appropriate time is prior to going to bed, or before leaving the house. Also at the end of a telephone

CHAPTER 12

conversation it is not difficult to sign off with, "Love you. Bye." If you are just too shy, or think that it's not cool to tell your folks that you love them verbally, there are a few other ways to do so. You can express the message with a small hug. You can leave a written statement of affection on paper, either in a few simple words or as a poem. You can, as one of my teens would do occasionally, write it on a bathroom mirror with soap. If you really want to be creative, you can cook breakfast for your parents on a Sunday morning, then wake them when it ready. Surely they will get the message from that. The truth is, it doesn't matter how you express your love for your parents. What is important is that you do so. Be assured that no matter how aloof or hard your parents may appear to be, most of them are really soft inside. Nothing brings out that softness more than hearing the right words from the teen they are raising. Like I said~ parents need love also.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

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CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN HELPING YOUR PARENTS KEEP YOU IN SCHOOL. Let's face it. The job of keeping you in school is the responsibility of your parents. However there are things that you can do to help them accomplish that very important job. First understand that hating school and looking for ways to quit is not the answer. Today more then ever before, obtaining a good job requires at least a high school diploma. So put aside all those hopes and dreams of becoming a success without an education, and put a real effort into getting through your school years. Start out by considering what it is that turns you off about school. There are many possibilities. The work is too hard. You don't like your teachers. Other kids in the school pick on you. You have no real interest in the things you are learning. You don't like getting up in the morning. Maybe even all ofthe above. Once you have honestly decided just what the real problem is, the next thing to do is to consider what you can do to solve it. The answer might lie in a change of subjects, different classes, or different teachers. Or it might require more radical changes such as an earlier bedtime, and a different school. As a last resort, consideration should be given to alternate programs such as those that allow for diplomas through G.E.D. programs.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

Once you honestly detennine what changes need to be made to keep you on the track towards a diploma, you will need to recruit your parent's help in bringing them about. Parents often do not embrace the ideas presented by their teenagers, especially where school is concerned. You will have to make a convincing presentation. Tell them exactly what a change in your school program will mean, How it will help you towards a goal of obtaining your diploma, and what your plans are beyond that achievement. If the change you desire involves merely changing classes or teachers do not hesitate to ask your parents to get involved in bringing that about. School officials will usually move much more readily when a request is made by your parents. Do not be embarrassed to involve them in keeping you in school.

CHAPTER 14

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RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

CHAPTER FOURTEEN DEALING WITH PARENTS WHO HAVE SPLIT UP. I could never decide which is worse. Separated parents who use their kids as pawns in their battles with each other, or teenagers who play one parent against the other in order to get what they want. Regardless, if you are the teenager of separated parents, there are some things you can do to lessen both of these situations. If your parents are constantly feuding and using you as their messenger to pass nasty comments back and forth; you need to take yourself out of the mix. Nicely tell both parents that you do not feel comfortable carrying verbal, derogatory messages back and forth. If they still insist that you tell your other parent something that is nasty, suggest that they write their comments and place them in a sealed envelope that you will deliver for them. You can also remove yourself from the dispute by making it clear that you do not want to hear anything negative from either parent about the other. Point out the fact that you have two parents and it is not fair of either one to attempt to turn you against the other. It may also be wise to avoid any attempts to patch up feelings between your parents. Parents who have separated often hold a strong grudge against each other. It is very unlikely that you will be able to change that. The fantasy that one day your Mom and Dad will get together again is one that is held by many teenagers. However, any attempts

CHAPTER 14

you might make to bring that about will probably end in failure and leave you in a bad position with one or both of them. Equally as dangerous is the act of playing one parent against the other. It is very inviting to go from parent to parent when you discover that one will give you what the other one will not. Some teens regularly go live with Dad because he is more easy going than Mom, or vice versa. Then they move back to Mom's when Dad feels comfortable enough to enforce the rules. Although such tactics may seem like the way to go, they are likely to create future problems for you, and increase the hostilities between your parents. That will result in more harm than good in the long run.

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CHAPTER FIFTEEN ACCEPTING PUNISHMENT WHEN IT IS CALLED FOR. A few days ago an article in a daily newspapers caught my attention. It told about the death of a young adult and two teenagers in a terrible automobile accident. The vehicle they were riding in reportedly hit a concrete barrier while traveling more than 90 miles per hour. It broke apart and then burst into flames. All three occupants were dead before they reached the hospital. My first thought was what a terrible tragedy. Three young lives gone when they had so many years ahead of them As I continued to read the article something else caught my attention. The police who investigated the accident stated that information they had obtained suggested that the youths were speeding in order to get the 17-year-old girl home because she was out beyond her curfew. That statement reminded me how way off base the thought process of teenagers can be at times. What consequences could a teenager possible imagine that would warrant racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour. If my memory serves me correctly~ everyone of our teenagers violated their curfew at one time or another. Those that did so ofte~ or stayed out much too late, were aware that they would face punishment. I accepted the belief that good teens will screw up from time to time. In r~ most of them understood that good parents will

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

punish them when that happens. Consequently, discipline was rarely a major battle in our home. As a teenager, it is not a good idea to expect yourself to be perfect. I have often thought that God will create the perfect teenager right after He creates the perfect parent. Until that happens, understand that the life of a teenager is full of opportunities to get into trouble with your parents. Even if you avoid most of them, chances are you will find yourself facing punishment on occasion. How you deal with that can affect not only your well being, but also the relationship you have with your parents. The most important thing to remember is do not take a bad situation and make it worse. Traveling home in a car at an excessive speed just to avoid a parent's anger because you are late for your curfew is just plain dumb. It comes down to the question of what would you rather have at home, an angry parent, or a grieving one? It may be that the best way to deal with a situation where you are in trouble with your parents is simply to accept the fact. Regardless of what you did to get into trouble, normal teenage misbehavior does not make you a bad person. Forget about looking for a way to lie or cover up the misdeed. That usually doesn't work and just makes your situation worse. Parents tend to act strongly against teens that they feel are not taking responsibility for their actions. However, nothing softens up a parent more then a teenager admitting they screwed up, and voicing a willingness to accept their punishment. In addition to possibly ending up with a lesser consequence, such a move should lead to a better future relationship with your parents as well.

CHAPTER 16

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RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

CHAPTER SIXTEEN DEALING WITH SIBLING RIVALRY. All of the teenagers that we raised are now adults. Some have girlfriends or boyfriends. Some have wives or husbands. Most of them now have children. For the most part they all get along well, talking daily on the telephone and joining together at family affairs. Even those that live out of state still maintain regular contact with each other. I mention all of this, because it seemed so unlikely a few years ago. Back in the days when we had anywhere from five to seven teenagers in our home at the same time, I saw sibling rivalry at its worst. I witnessed teens fighting over virtually everything any anything you can imagine. Most times the fighting was only verbally bickering. On a few occasions it developed into a full fledge arms flailing hair-pulling fistfight. With the exception of the times it escalated to violence, I would let the teens work out the disputes themselves. I learned early on that getting involved was a no win situation. Anytime I tried to mediate I ended up being accused of playing favorites by one or the other. Sometimes both sides accused me of favoring the other, an accusation I never could figure out. If your parents have also decided to stay out of your sibling rivalry fights, or their actions are not producing results, there are some things you can do which might bring the feuding to a minimum. Invite your rival to participate

CHAPTER 16

in a "clear the air" meeting with you. Take the conversation out of the house to a spot where the two of you will be alone and free to say what's on your mind. Then take turns with your sibling voicing your complaints. Make your displeasures known, and in tum listen to the statements of your sibling. Chances are both of you have valid complaints. Once you have both expressed your unhappiness with each other, begin discussing the topics that have you at each other's throat. Obviously you and your sibling are not going to agree with each other on all the complaints discussed. If however, you two can agree that it is time for the feuding to decrease, you will be making a start. The next step will be to put into effect any steps that you can agree on during your talk. Even if you agree only to stay away from each other, and to respect each other's possessions, you will have made a step forward. After a period oftime, if you find that your private one on one conversation has helped, do not hesitate to call for additional meetings as the need arises. Keep in mind that your relationship with your sibling is a lifetime one. The person that you dislike so much as a teenager may well become one of your closest friends as an adult. The sooner you start working towards that possibility, the better. It is defmitely advisable to work out any differences with your sibling. If the feuding goes on for too long there is a good possibility that your parents will lose patience, and then take action against both parties. That is a solution that you truly do not want.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

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CHAPTER 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN PICKING THE RIGHT ROLE MODEL. Whether or not you consider yourself an independent individual chances are somewhere along the line you will choose a role model. Recent surveys have suggested that the majority of teenagers say that their parents are their role models. If this is true, it is really good news for parents. For many years a large number of parents were fearful that their teenagers were idolizing pop stars and rap singers and trying to imitate them. Since many of those performers dressed and acted in ways that were not appreciated by parents, it was a major concern. Unless your parents are drug users, alcoholics, child abusers or criminals, they should be your best choice for role models. They are the people you will observe the most, and the ones who should be setting a good example for you to follow. Ifthey are doing that, the only thing you need to be aware of, is to not expect them to be perfect. Parents also make mistakes and sometimes do things that you do not want to duplicate. The trick is to realize what those mistakes are and to eliminate them from the examples you are following. At the same time you need to fill in the blanks on the things that they do not tell you. Many times parents will hesitate to make a case out of a specific issue because they feel they are setting the wrong example. A parent who lights up one cigarette after another finds it hard to insist that their teenager not smoke.

RAISINGREASQNABLEPARENT5

A parent who drinks a few beers every night might feel pretty awkward lecturing their teen on the evils of drinking. This does not automatically disqualify the parent as a good role mode~ if the teenager is mature enough to understand which actions should not be imitated. Keep in mind that your role model should be someone you would like to grow up to be. Hopefully your parents will be at the top ofthat list.

CHAPTER 18

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RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN AVOIDING THE FIRST STEPS TOWARDS PHYSICAL ABUSE. As a parent I find it impossible to believe that any' 'mother or father wakes up in the morning with the thought that they are going to beat up their child. I also do not buy into the theory advanced by many social agencies that parents should never spank their kids because that punishment might escalate into physical abuse. If we eliminate those two as probable causes, then we can look at what really leads to physical abuse. Most times physical abuse starts with a verbal confrontation. It may begin with a parent criticizing a teenager, who in return argues back. As the conversation grows louder and stronger it often escalates into a shouting match with obscene words, then the parent loses their cool and strikes out in anger. The result is physical abuse. Another major cause of physical abuse is when parents gets extremely angry with their teenager and don't give themselves time to calm down before dealing with the situation. In this case it does not take much defiance by a teenager to result in physical abuse. The trick is to recognize when you are in danger of being physically abused, and then take steps to defuse the situation. If you are engaged in a verbal argument with your parent do your best to refrain from raising your voice or using obscene language. Stick to the point ofthe dispute

CHAPTER 18

and do not make a personal attack that has no bearing on the subject you are discussing. If you fear that the argument is getting out of hand search for a way to end it. To do so may require you giving up your stand. Often it is better to do that, than to let the dispute continue to the point where it become abusive. Remember, you can always bring the subject up again at a later time when your parents have calmed down. If you have done something to make your parents extremely angry, you might try to see if you can convince them to postpone any lectures and punishment decisions until they have had time to think it over. If that doesn't work, the best move may be to honestly admit that you screwed up and accept whatever consequences are decreed. Nothing cools down an angry parent faster than hearing the words, "You are right. I am sorry."

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

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CHAPTER 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN AVOIDING THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS SEXUAL ABUSE. Since the victims of sexual abuse are primarily females, this chapter is written for teenage girls. Sexual abuse can take many forms, ranging from molestation to intercourse. Regardless of the form it takes the effects are horrible and normally scar the victim for the rest oftheir lives. Adding to the horror is the fact that sexual abuse is usually perpetrated by someone known to the victim. The perpetrator is usually a parent, stepparent, grandparent, guardian, mother's boyfriend, relative, neighbor, friend of the family, teacher or other person in authority. Contrary to some beliefs it doesn't always start when a girl is young. Sometimes it occurs for the first time after a female reaches the teen years. As is the case with physical abuse, it is the parent's responsibility to protect their children from sexual abuse. Still there are some things a female teenager can do to prevent the first steps towards sexual abuse. Three things to be aware of are, sound, sight and touch. All three have to do with interactions that should not take place between a female teenager and an adult male. SOUND refers to what you say, and allow to be said to you, by adult men. You should not use obscene language or tell sexual jokes to your father or any other adult male. Although you might think it is cool, what you

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

are actually doing is placing yourself on the same level as the adult. You should discourage any adult male from talking to you as if you were on their social level. Be especially wary of any comments from an adult male that contains words such as; "you look very sexy" or ''you are really very hot looking." You need to keep yourself on a different leve~ one that says I am a t~enager while you are an adult. We do not relate to each other as peers. The minute you allow an adult to consider you on their level, you are inviting trouble. SIGHT is all about how you allow adult males to see you. Once again, it is your parent's responsibility to draw the line between the latest trend and inappropriate dress. Since many parents leave that decision to their teenagers, it is up to you to know what to avoid. Consider for a moment how many adult males can observe you every single day. Of course, you can rest assured that the high majority of them are not sexual abusers. However it only takes one to turn your life around forever. Start by realizing that the outfits you wear while out with your friends or on a date may not be the ones you want to lounge around your home in. Consider also the wisdom of walking around the house wrapped in a bath towel after taking a shower. Or, whether it is wise to prance around in a skimpy bathing suit after coming out of the pool. TOUCH involves the kind of contact that may arouse an adult male. The most common is back rubs. Again although completely innocent in most cases, it is not a good idea to give or to receive back rubs from an adult male. It is also advisable to avoid fun and games that contain physical contact. Friendly boxing or wrestling where one party might end up on top of the other or pinned up against a wall is inviting nothing but trouble. Most if all trust your instincts. If you have a bad feeling about the way an adult is acting towards you,

CHAPTER 19

stay away from that person if possible. Also tell someone. about your concern. No child should be a victim of sexual abuse. As a teenager you have the power to prevent it from happening to you.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

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CHAPTER 20

CHAPTER TWENTY LIVING AT HO~IE AFTER YOU TURN 18. I have often told others that my teenagers could not wait until the day they turned 18, so they could leave home. Then they could not wait until they turned 18 ~ so they could return. home. Although I said that in humor, there was a lot of truth in the statement. The fact is with the way the economy is these days it is very tough for a young adult to live away from home. Consequently a number of our teenagers did return home after going out on their own. In fact a few of them made more than one trip out into the world before finally making it on their own. With that in mind, one might be smart to consider what the reasonable expectations will be if you are to continue living at home after you turn the legal age ofan adult. If you are still in school, do not be surprised if your parents insist that you obey a school night curfew. However, in return you should be able to extract an agreement that you can stay out as late as you would like on non-school nights. Do not expect that turning 18 automatically frees you from helping with chores around the house. Most parents will not share that view. If you are not in school and are working do not be surprised if you are asked to contribute some money into the household. After all what ever the amount requested it is probably a bargain when you consider that it includes room, board and most likely laundry service.

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

Also, do not expect your parents to suddenly change their moral ideas just because you reach adulthood. For example, if they were opposed to you having the love of your life sleeping over and sharing your bedroom, that is unlikely to change. If you are planning to move out when you turn 18, or even before then, discuss the idea with your parents. The one thing you do not want to do is burn your bridges behind you. Move out under good terms. As sure as you may be that the move will be a permanent one, you never know if you will wind up at your parent's door begging them to let you move back in.

SUMMARY

"Raising Reasonable Parents" is being made available to any teenagers requesting it free of charge. Experience Counts Inc., a child abuse prevention organization based in New Jersey, USA, publishes this copyrighted handbook as part of their child abuse prevention efforts. Experience Counts Inc. also publishes, "Bring Back The Woodshed" which is a handbook for parents dealing with teenagers. As of the middle of 2007 the handbooks have been requested by parents and teenagers in all 50 USA states and 17 foreign countries. As a non-profit organization Experience Counts Inc. depends on private donations to pay for the cost of printing and mailing these handbooks. If you would like to help us with a donation of any size, please send to Experience Counts inc., P.O. Box 14, Keansburg, NJ 07734. Additional information on our organization is available at website: Raisingteens.org or by calling (732) 495-9175. â&#x20AC;˘

RAISING REASONABLE PARENTS

EXPERIENCE COUNTS INC • P.O. Box 14

Keansburg, NJ 07734

(732) 495-9175 .

WEB SITE expeJiencecountsinc.org