Teddy the Spaz Man

A Straight-Faced Photo Shoot

BY TEDDY THE SPAZ MAN

My face talks a lot. I roll my eyes, I sneer, I side eye. In fact, it’s been known to get me in trouble from time to time, ’cause when I’m grossed out, I just can’t hide it. So, this year, I decided I want to be like other dogs. Maybe a bulldog who just kinda sits there. Or a Lab who smiles at everything. Yeah, I bet Labs never have to run for their lives for looking all judgy.

When I told Mom my New Year’s resolution was to become a more stoic Teddy, she rolled her eyes and muttered, “When pigs fly.” I looked at her and said, “A) thanks for the support and B) let’s have a photo shoot, and I’ll prove that I can do this!” Gee, thanks Mom.

The audacity. He. Is. The. Worst.

And, I had to do this, because as New Year’s resolutions go, I don’t have a great track record. There was that time I vowed not to howl for an entire week. I folded four minutes in. Then, I was going to learn how to speak Cat-onese so I could talk to Mama Kitty, but her mean meows told me everything I needed to know. Then, there was that time I vowed to stop counter surfing but, let’s get real ...

The photo shoot was going great, and my face revealed nothing. Not a smirk, smile nor sneer. I was killin’ it! But, then, a Shih Tzu came by and squatted a couple feet in front of me, demonstrating why her breed was given that unfortunate name. Utterly disgusting. I mean, I tried not to react, but my face said it all. Then, Mr. Johnson appeared — in all his tutu and halter top glory. Mr. Johnson, the bane of my existence. My No. 1 nemesis. And, hey, don’t get me wrong. I don’t care what he wears. Live and let live, right? The problem is that he’s undergarmentaverse, and his tutu manages to blow up at the most inopportune times. Which is exactly what happened. Yep, I got the full monty. The whole shebang. The whole kit and caboodles.

My face lost it! It said everything I was feeling! I had no control, so through dry heaves and fried retinas, I cried, “You were right, Mom, I can’t do it! I’ll never be like other dogs!”

Mom turned to me and, instead of gloating, she leaned down, snuggled my neck and said, “Of course not Spaz Man, and that’s why we love you.”

Teddy the Spaz Man is a social media dog and not-so-humble Hallmark star living in downtown Woodstock. Facebook/ Instagram: @teddythespazman.