Family, friends and who? • • • • • • • • • • •
“Your ex is here.” “Aunt Betty is here.” “Grandma is drunk again.” “Here comes Uncle Drunkie.” “Remember that time you … ” “His mother is coming.” “MawMaw’s comin’ for dinner.” “Why is Granny naked?” “Grandpa lost his pants.” “Oh, yeah, you’re adopted.” “Why are you here?”
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
“Alcohol-free, tofu, in-laws.” “Denny’s is closed today.” “Desserts are gluten-free.” “I forgot the gravy.” “I made something new!” “No carbs this Thanksgiving.” “Please pass the ‘possum.” “It’s all completely vegan.” “We’re out of wine!” “Does this smell OK?” “I dropped the pie.” “Who wants some bologna?” “Keto food for everyone!” “Green bean casserole, ew.” “Rocky mountain oyster stuffing!” “Why’s the oven smoking?” “I forgot the booze.” “I’m on a diet.” “We don’t drink here.”
• • • • •
“The turkey just exploded.” “Is turkey usually pink?” “That ain’t no turkey!” “Anyone bring a turkey?” “Medium rare turkey, please.”
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
“I found a toenail.” “I have food poisoning.” “I lost a fingernail.” “I’m sick as heck.” “I joined a cult.” “I lost my Band-Aid.” “Time to clean up.” “Sal-mon-ell-a!” “The toilet is clogged.” “Where are my teeth?” “The cops are here.” “Let’s talk about politics.” “I sneezed in it.” “Is that a hairball?”
Food, food, glorious food.
I loveee eating turkey, but wearing a turkey hat? No, thanks.
4 Words Certain To Ruin
Thanksgiving BY TEDDY THE SPAZ MAN
Thanksgiving is a time to gather under the table, eat dropped food and … ask my Facebook followers to ruin Thanksgiving in four words. Turns out, there are lots of ways to ruin Thanksgiving, and holy giblets, my faithful fans did not hold back! With more than 600 comments, we heard everything from cooking disasters to awkward family moments. But, as you can probably guess, on the top of everyone’s mind was the desecration of the oh-so righteous turkey. Several people also joked about booze, or lack thereof, with zingers like, “We’re out of wine!” And, many made comments on the most awkward things they could think of, from clogged toilets to lost teeth. Oh, the horror. So, if the upcoming holidays are already raising your blood pressure, hopefully these ways to ruin Thanksgiving in four words will put a smile on your gluten-free, tofurkey face.
Teddy the Spaz Man is a social media dog and not-so-humble Hallmark star living in downtown Woodstock. Facebook/Instagram: @teddythespazman.
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AROUND WOODSTOCK | November 2021
Don’t be a turkey.
Um, yeah, that’s awkward.
And, last but not least, “Human hair in gravy.” Because, we all know if it’s a dog hair, we’ll just keep on eating! Aaawoooooooo!
