Plus One!UNCHARTERED TERRITORY

from Around DB June 2023

RECOLLECTIONS FROM A RAGBAG MIND

Following your other half around the world and signing up as a ‘trailing spouse’ sounds like a lot of fun but in reality, at least at the start, it’s a tough job.

Trisha Hughes

reports

Never underestimate a woman’s ability to nest. Like many of the women in DB, I’ve moved house several times in my married life and I like to think I’ve become very adept at it. But arriving here, I discovered that moving continents for your man is another thing entirely – the initial settling-in period can be more than a little overwhelming. While our spouses head off to work to start a new job and make new friends, we begin the daunting process of setting up house, settling our children into new schools, accessing and connecting to the internet, subscribing to Netflix and getting out and about.

Let’s face it, those first lonely trips to Mongkok are as arduous as an Indiana Jones expedition, complete with map, water and provisions. Watching yet another outdated episode of Game of Thrones can sound considerably better than being squeezed and pushed up and down escalators, while looking for the B2 exit at Prince Edward. But as I stayed home alone or cocooned myself in the IFC, the big question I kept asking myself was where is that confident woman who could leap small buildings in a single bound?

I may have travelled but I’ve never trailed, I shouted to the rooftops. But even I could hear the doubt and uncertainty in my voice.

Relationship Issues

What many couples forget to prepare for is the most important change of all: the one their marriage goes through. A key stress factor is social isolation during the initial phase of relocation. This isolation often leads to couples putting too much pressure on each other when they have no friends to spend time with or confide in. Fights can spring up at home from the most mundane situations and finger-pointing just muddies the waters. Many of these problems are first-world issues but nonetheless, they can create opportunity for relationships to disconnect. Here are two simple strategies that can help:

Stop trying to find the time for a lengthy catch up. The simple things are enough to keep your relationship connection going. Meeting your partner at the airport, when he gets back from a work trip, gives you 30 minutes to chat before the kids dive in for their time. You can also put your tiredness aside, and take 30 minutes to go for a walk together after the kids are asleep.

And try turning the phone off for 30 minutes. There is nothing more exasperating when we are sharing an issue of importance than hearing the other person’s phone ring or beep a message, or seeing them look away to check their phone. This creates

THOSE FIRST LONELY TRIPS TO MONGKOK ARE AS ARDUOUS AS AN INDIANA JONES EXPEDITION, COMPLETE WITH MAP, WATER AND PROVISIONS disconnection, a significant feature in today’s relationship breakdowns. Pigeons took 30 hours to get the message to a recipient in years gone by. You can wait to check your phone for 30 minutes.

Never forget that a lot of us are here in DB out of love for our partners, although it’s very different from the love potions in fairy tales where you drink and everything becomes magically perfect. This love takes work but the end result far outweighs the hurdles along the way.

Obstacles To Overcome

Being a trailing spouse is like stepping into the great unknown, full of uncertainties and ambiguities. Exciting and exhilarating on the one hand, it can be a mineshaft full of doubts on the other. Most of the time, we fly by the seat of our pants... hoping that we’re making the right decisions. How do I make new friends? Where do I shop? How do I get around?

Our friends back home think we’re leading a glamorous, romantic expat life but they’re only seeing a very small part of the picture. What they don’t know is that with the excitement comes a great deal of stress brought on by having to adjust to all the changes. Stress manifests itself in so many ways and then morphs into anxiety. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s that all trailing spouses struggle with the loss of our support system back home and without it, our stress levels increase.

At the worst possible times, homesickness raises its ugly head to hinder our settling in process and empty our day of all happiness. No one told us how it could be so debilitating and no one told us it could blindside us on a daily basis.

Strangely, in our loneliness, the most reflexive thing most of us do is shut ourselves away. I am guilty of the very same practice and it’s the foremost and unhealthiest thing we can possibly do. Studies show that lack of social connection may present a greater risk to our wellbeing than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure. Psychologists have repeatedly stressed that a sense of social connectedness is one of our fundamental human needs.

One of the biggest things holding us back is fear. Fear of meeting people, fear of getting lost, fear of failure and the fear of generally messing up. We all process change in different ways. And adjusting doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time and some of us are more adaptable than others.

Db Support System

Without a doubt, we need friends to help us overcome the loneliness obstacle and to do that we need to build a support base in our new home. Beginning my expat life in DB, I realised almost immediately how lucky I was. Certainly I felt lost for a time but not to the same degree as I would have, had I found myself living in the city, in Mid-Levels or Happy Valley. The resort’s small scale means it’s relatively easy to start forging friendships. Start up a conversation with a neighbour in the plaza, or on the ferry and chances are you’ll bump into her again within a couple of days – you won’t even need to pluck up the courage to text her and arrange to meet.

What’s more DB is at heart a transient society, which means many DB women have been in your shoes –these ‘settled’ trailing spouses have valuable and practical perspectives they are just itching to share. Make the most of this! Sometimes all you need is to talk to another person about the worry bouncing around in your mind and almost magically, by getting it out of your head, you start to wonder what you were so worried about in the first place.

Everyone tells us that a good way to start that process is to join clubs, and again DB has plenty on offer. In my first weeks here, I signed up for everything from tennis lessons to book clubs, and did indeed make some friends in the process.

Added to which, DB is, of course, a hotbed of social media sites and forums, all set up with the precise aim of connecting people. As a newcomer, I found looking at the DB Matters, DB Mums and DB Mothers & Friends Facebook pages a great way in. There’s no easier way to get a feel for the community’s passions, concerns, charities and pursuits. The Around DB Facebook page and website, it has to be said, is still my go-to for local news, events and activities.