CELEBRATE INDIVIDUALITY

Opening the discussion, it’s important to recognise that there are a number of factors that may contribute to tension within the sibling relationship.

Birth order, age gap, gender and a child’s individual characteristics can all play a part. For example, a particularly sensitive child may clash with a more assertive brother or sister.

Parenting style is also a major factor. If a parent is seen to favour a sibling, giving him encouragement while tending to direct blame at another, this can create a sense of disconnect within the family, causing a child to misbehave in order to gain the parent’s attention.

But how can busy parents best channel this desire for attention into positive behaviours? A good way to start is with one-to-one attention. Take some time to connect with each child individually. This should ideally happen daily, and can be something as simple as playing a quick game together, reading a book or taking a short walk.

The aim is to help reinforce the bond between parent and child, enabling children to feel secure in their relationship, which translates into calmer behaviour.

It’s also important to recognise that all children are different: recognise their uniqueness but avoid drawing comparisons or labelling. For example, you could say, “Ýou are really good at reading,” rather than, “You are the smart one in the family.” This acknowledges one child’s distinctive talents without any negative associations implied towards the other children.

When it comes to elder siblings’ behaviour, we can often have overly high expectations. Don’t expect perfection from older children, and try not to force them to always be the ‘big boy or girl’. They may not wish to play with their little brother, or give their little sister a cuddle, and we should respect that.

This also applies to children’s negative feelings. Acknowledging children’s feelings helps them process things. Saying, “I can see that you would like some quiet time away from your brother,” or “You seem disappointed that your sister has a play date today,” helps children to realise that their feelings are valid, and that it’s OK to vocalise them.

Step In And Mediate

Of course, occasional tensions and conflicts are bound to arise within any close relationship. Should parents try to shield children from this? Yes, but only up to a point. It’s important to teach kids how to deal with conflict from a young age, reinforcing this throughout childhood. Conflict is necessary for personal development, establishing relationships and setting boundaries. It also enables kids to understand emotions such as annoyance, anger and rage – just as important as an understanding of joy and happiness.