WE’RE YOUR BANK AND WE’RE HERE TO HELP

My bank in Australia is manned (and womanned, to be politically correct?) by primary school dropouts strapped to a vast computer using key programming jargon: ‘We are not responsible – for anything’. I call and after negotiating myriad numbers land a generic Bruce or Bob. Not real names of course: that could mean phoning the same bloke next time and holding him accountable. The entire system would crash.

“Good morning, Mr Sherwood, may I call you Peter?” For the fifth time in the past hour, I repeat my boring details and inside leg measurement, all the time picturing the bank’s imposing head office with its stunning Sydney Harbour backdrop. “Hold on for a few minutes, Peter…” Bruce disappears and I hear a loud and repetitive rat-a-tat along with a pop-pop-popping sound and glass shattering. He returns. “So Peter, is it OK if I call you Peter? What can I do for you today?”

What was all that noise, I inquire timidly. “Oh, that’s nothing. Now, about this problem of yours.” Interruption: ‘Your call is important to us and we will take just a few minutes for you to complete this survey. This conversation is being recorded and may be used for training purposes.’ Bruce returns. “Please key in your three-digit personal code so we can begin processing your inquiry.”

What’s going on? I ask. Where are you speaking from? “From under my desk at the moment; just a little extra security. Never mind, we’re here to help. Now about this lost international transfer to Hong Kong of yours. The computer tells me it could have gone to the British Virgin Islands or possibly some Armenian bank, but don’t worry I’m sure we’ll find it.”

BOOM BOOM!! Holy hell, what was that, is Sydney being attacked? Bruce, are you there? [Sound of falling masonry]. “All fine here, Peter. Is it OK if I call you Peter? We’re all a bit busy right now, what with all the broken glass.

“Anyway, we’re still connected and the line has reached into the cupboard, so let’s just get on with trying to trace your funds. Your business is important to us.” Armenia, you said? “The computer can’t be certain. Could be in Caracas or the Maldives, but we have powerful computers and they will track it down eventually. You need to be patient.”

And what were those rat-a-tat and pop-popping sounds? “Popping is typical of the AK-47, and the rata-tat would be your Czech-made ZB-26 light machine gun.” And the planes and explosions? “Someone missing their targets again.” Where exactly are you? “I’m in a cupboard… in a village house. Our head office had an unfortunate accident with a truck bomb, a VBIED, last week.” Come on, tell me where, and don’t say Sydney. “Well, I’m just north-north west of Sydney.” Darwin? I ventured. “A bit further northnorth west than that.” Honestly, now. “Err… Russian Border Call Centre, but don’t tell anyone.”