Dear self, How will we get through the next year?

MADELINE CONTEMPLATES HOW TO SURVIVE MORE OF THE PANDEMIC

In January of 2020, iTunes fed me a motivational podcast. I listened to a series about how to get your dream job going as I tackled mountains of junk while all three of my kids were at school. And right at the same time that I was working up the nerve to set up shoots and publish the Dubbs, the whole world went into lockdown.

This situation doesn’t really suck for me. I’ve tried to figure out ways to pay it forward and not be a useless whiner. But there is that overwhelming sense of when it’s all over, will I have accomplished anything? I think I go through this every summer, though—plans in my head to make sure my kids learn life skills, like first aid, and finally make that YouTube channel and sell a bunch of stuff on eBay. But almost none of it happens. And then I have to look at the basics and be glad that even if I didn’t accomplish what I wanted, we’re still here. Last year I put six things on my to-do list publicly, and I got them all done. I should probably stick to that plan this year and not pressure myself to accomplish every whimsical goal from “learn to play the guitar” to “clean out the basement.” Though, “set realistic expectations” is a goal...

GOALS PILE UP AROUND HERE FASTER THAN UNREAD JUNKMAIL— AND THAT INCLUDES EMAILS FROM FENDER REMINDING ME TO PRACTICE THE GUITAR.

My office wall has a board of things I think I should be doing, including pictures to illustrate and new painting styles to try and a thousand videos to edit (after I learn After Effects and give them great graphic treatments)... Cooking is not on my list. I do not need to wash more dishes

The school shared a mental health link that included a list of 30 coping skills to try over 30 days. We tried calling family, taking a walk, laying on the floor. The one that I can’t commit to is starting a journal. I mean, I committed to keeping the Dubbs going in April and May as a way to document how things were going when I couldn’t find another purpose. But I don’t have time to get personal with a journal and work through shit honestly in ways that will forever be around for someone else to find without me there to offer perspective. This is weird enough already. I keep calendars and chore charts going to remember what day it is and that I’m still alive.

Maybe part of the reason that none of these “fun” goals of mine ever get done is because I don’t actually approach them like they are fun. According to Jeff Harry, a positive play coach, “Play has no result.” So, I can’t sort pictures into albums or even make a photo illustration for fun because I’m spending the time and energy for a specific result. Fake fun goals need to be approached with specific time limits. Meanwhile, actual spontaneous fun things do need to be happening to keep my sanity in check. Now to figure out how to play with my kids without judging the overcrowded toy shelves.

We have a bench full of pictures waiting to be sorted into photo albums. We even have empty photo albums! Apparently I’m not alone in avoiding the whole nostalgia trap. The New York Times had an article with experts saying we should all devote time once a month to deleting pictures we don’t need. Cathi Nelson, founder of Photo Managers, lives by the 80-20 rule where 80% of photos are deleted and prints tossed in the garbage. I’m not that brave.

Stories about families who set off from New York as soon as the pandemic started are inspiring to me for their extreme Marie Kondo style, but whenever I go looking online for places to donate all of our books or toys or clothes... It seems like there’s no organization locally who wants it. I had a working dishwasher and couldn’t unload it in 2018. It’s our dishwasher now. There’s no proof I need to get rid of anything...

MY FAVORITE PART OF SOUL WAS THAT YOUR SPARK—THE THING THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO LIVE—IS NOT YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE. THERE ACTUALLY IS NO PURPOSE OTHER THAN TO LIVE. THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE IS THAT PIXAR DID NOT IMMEDIATELY TURN THE BLACK PROTAGONIST INTO A BLUE BLOB TO AVOID FEATURING A BLACK PROTAGONIST. LIVE YOUR LIFE AND CONNECT WITH PEOPLE AROUND YOU.

(In the print version, this text is designed to look like it's weighing down shelves.)