The Spoiler

THE SPOILER

WARNING: Angry Man Writing

by Mike Posillico

I will be the first to admit that few things happen inside a movie theater that are more exhilarating than when the title card “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….” appears on screen; followed immediately by the great cosmic jolt that is the strong brass opening of the Star Wars “Main Title Theme”, courtesy of John Williams. Boy, that introduction really does get the audience amped up and ready to go. But where is that audience going? At this point, no place they haven’t already been, over and over… and over again.

What is left for Star Wars to accomplish? If you ask me, a whole hell of a lot and I wish they would start doing it! It’s great big space opera with limitless possibilities, yet the franchise seems incapable of deviating from the same basic plot line: A big evil machine commanded by the “Empire” is poised to destroy something important and The Rebel Alliance must stop it or be wiped out forever. This is the plot of A New Hope, Return of the Jedi, The Force Awakens, Rogue One, and The Last Jedi TWICE (first with the “dreadnought” and later a laser-based siege engine on Crait). As that’s going on, you have the standard B-story regarding “The Force” and someone’s moral conundrum over whether or not they will turn to evil. Pepper in a few light saber duels and you're well on your way to making another billion at the box office.

I’m not sure if focus groups are to blame or studio executives, but whoever they are, they are afraid to deviate from the formula in any way, which I suppose I would be as well since there is such an astounding amount of money to be gained by producing a hit. What’s frustrating is that it’s Star Wars! Good or bad, it’s going to be a hit, everyone knows it’s going to be a hit, so you might as well be daring and do amazing creative things! Write some new story lines about people we actually care about instead of shoehorning needless characters into a film just to kill them off later because you’re scared of consequences that would impact the bottom line. Sorry, Vice Admiral Holdo (Laura Dern), but you didn’t need to be in The Last Jedi and I certainly didn’t give a flying *#$% when you sacrificed yourself for the greater good. Maybe if you let a few rebels in on your brilliant plan in the first place you wouldn’t have had to pilot a spaceship doing lightspeed straight up Snoke’s dead ass! It could have been avoided… that’s all I’m saying.

I’m not one of these people that believe Stars Wars is for “nerds.” I grew up on A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi, and I have seen each of them dozens and dozens of times. My issue with a majority today’s fans is that they are somehow satisfied with the current product no matter how deeply they know it’s just not good enough. To quote Darth Vadar, “Search your feelings, you know it to be true!” This latest trilogy, and subsequent spinoffs, are so tired and predictable that they’re making me long for the days of Jake Lloyd (young Anakin Skywalker) and Jar Jar Binks (one of the most hated characters to ever hit the silver screen). The reboots are so insulting that they’re actually ruining the originals. If you claim to be a “diehard” fan of the franchise and you’re okay with this, then I need someone to explain to me how you can sit by and allow it to happen year after year. I used to believe it was mostly nostalgia, but now I’m not so sure. I think it’s actually approaching a serious mental condition that apparently millions of people need to seek treatment for.

I will concede this one last thing though. Luke lecturing Rey about the Jedi’s entire history, as being a history of failure, is the most accurate and wonderful thing ever said in any Star Wars movie, because it’s 100% true.

One last thing, the latest trailer for Solo looks pretty boss, so I’ll make the same wish I’ve made many times since Attack of the Clones premiered: “I hope this is the one that turns it around!”