Both The Harvest and The Seed by Arthur Goshin

Table of Contents

Both The Harvest And The Seed Arthur Robert Goshin

Table of Contents

One Hundred and Twenty Four Moons Longing Before Dawn Love’s Cloth

Table of Contents One I Will Do My Best........................................................................2 As Worlds Disappear....................................................................3 Love’s Conjoined Twin.................................................................4 How Is It?.....................................................................................5 A Bad Dream................................................................................6 Against Nature’s Law...................................................................7 A True Renewable........................................................................8 Love, The Giver...........................................................................9 A Love Glutton??.......................................................................10 Within Me..................................................................................11

Two Time Is Watching.......................................................................14 Draped In Silk............................................................................16 Restless........................................................................................17 Our Stories.................................................................................18 An Imperceptibly Perceived Perception....................................19 Smiling........................................................................................20 A Turbulent Journey...................................................................21 The Tides...................................................................................22 Anything Is Possible...................................................................23 In The Darkness.........................................................................24

Table of Contents Three I Was A Dream...........................................................................28 One Language............................................................................29 Happiness Interruptus................................................................30 A Love Paradox..........................................................................31 The Origin Of You.....................................................................32 Mend My Heart..........................................................................33 Press Replay................................................................................34 Echoes Ahead In Time...............................................................35 Accommodation..........................................................................36 Love Time..................................................................................37

Four Who Is That Fool?.....................................................................40 Your Nearness.............................................................................41 You Can Feel Time.....................................................................42 An Inverse Relationship?............................................................43 There, Just Beneath....................................................................44 The Windâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Melody....................................................................45 Just Filling Up Time..................................................................46 Designing The Future................................................................47 Possibilities, Hope, Love............................................................48 Better To Expect.........................................................................49

Table of Contents Five The Final Arc.............................................................................52 The Electrons Wait....................................................................53 Just For Me. Not!!......................................................................54 The Smallest Detail....................................................................55 Is There Just So Much Love?....................................................56 How Have I Changed?...............................................................57 The Way I Feel...........................................................................58 Be Nice To Love.........................................................................59 In The Lost And Found.............................................................60 Whisper To Yourself...................................................................61

Six Memory Treasures......................................................................64 Waiting For Her.........................................................................66 Let Love In?...............................................................................67 Imagine.......................................................................................68 Your Heart Beating In Mine......................................................69 On Loan......................................................................................70 Balance, Recalibrate...................................................................71 Love Enables..............................................................................72 Vivid Colors................................................................................73 Searching For Love And Beauty................................................74

Table of Contents Seven Love And Inferences..................................................................78 Always.........................................................................................79 Adrift...........................................................................................80 My Desire...................................................................................81 Love, Waiting In The Shadows.................................................82 Doubts........................................................................................83 What Matters?............................................................................84 Private Worlds............................................................................85 The Canvas Inside......................................................................86 A Happiness Secret.....................................................................87

Eight What Happened To My Future?...............................................90 Certainty.....................................................................................91 In What Season?.........................................................................92 Temptation..................................................................................93 Word Supply...............................................................................94 That Day.....................................................................................95 Do Simple Things......................................................................96 In Your Eyes...............................................................................97 Making Love Better...................................................................98 Dusk To Dawn............................................................................99

Table of Contents Nine Imagination...............................................................................102 Certainty v. Serendipity............................................................103 Shapechanger?..........................................................................104 What Remains..........................................................................105 Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Ruin A Good Thing.......................................................106 When Is Enough Enough?.......................................................107 Around Our Bend.....................................................................108 Time To Tell You......................................................................109 Remarkable, Really...................................................................110 Is Too Much Patience A Virtue?..............................................111

Ten Impermanence..........................................................................114 When The Words Hide...........................................................116 Waiting.....................................................................................117 Through Your Eyes..................................................................118 Knowing Another.....................................................................119 Pursue My Heart......................................................................120 Stuck At The Surface...............................................................121 Visitors......................................................................................122 Stop And Listen!.......................................................................123 Beyond Love?...........................................................................124

Table of Contents Eleven Everything Or Nothing?..........................................................128 Love Magician..........................................................................129 Lost Ears?.................................................................................130 More.........................................................................................131 The Love Field.........................................................................132 Mistake Free? ..........................................................................133 A Space To Be Filled................................................................134 Artifacts.....................................................................................135 Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Real, Tangible?.............................................................136 Getting Control........................................................................137

Twelve Dark Matter, Dark Energy.......................................................140 Beware Of Perfect....................................................................141 Getting It Right........................................................................142 This House...............................................................................143 Flying........................................................................................144 What Is It?................................................................................145 Why This Silence?...................................................................146 Lost Moments, Lost Memories...............................................147 String To Your Heart................................................................148 Come, Lean Into Me................................................................149

In Loving Memory Of The Forgotten I Hear The Dead......................................................................152

Table of Contents

One

â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I WILL DO MY BESTâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; For my grandson Oskar Goshin. Born 1.31.09 Behold. I am finally here. Out of the primordial wash. Fully formed, ready. The first light of the next dawn. Both the hope and voice of our generations before, and ours yet to come. I am at the divide. Both the harvest of what was, and the seed for what will be. I carry the hopes, sacrifices and struggles of us before, who will continue to live through me. I am bearer of the hopes and possibilities of what we might yet be, shaping the futures for those still to come. I am guardian of the precious coded helix of life that stretches from before the before out to the far reaches beyond the beyond. All of this is no burden, it is a gift. I hear your whispers and know how infinite is your love for me, and your hopes of me. With your help, I will do my best. 2

AS WORLDS DISAPPEAR Everyone, everything, has the same fate. All worlds, all people, all things, disappear in time. Also, memories -- a mother’s kiss, a child’s birth, a love’s embrace, hopes fulfilled and unfulfilled, all gone. But what’s gone wasn’t without meaning, without beauty, just because it doesn’t have a continuing existence. It had meaning at that moment, and sometimes long after, for those who knew, for those who shared. All pieces and bits in the grand human trajectory. Each as spectacular, as wondrous in their moments, as the stars and galaxies we view through Hubble’s lens, that may have already disappeared by the time we actually see them.

LOVE’S CONJOINED TWIN Love and doubt are conjoined twins. Separate but inseparable. One seemingly cannot exist without the other. While it might be nice to surgically carve the doubt twin away, that doesn’t seem possible. So, even while love is apparently fully in your grasp, know that always lurking in the near shadow is its ever present fraternal reciprocal, doubt. Try to pay it no mind. It’s up to no good.

HOW IS IT? How do we become so possessed by indifference? How does the failure to respond to terrible human suffering seep into our being? How does our conscience so easily disappear at moments when it is most needed? How do our hearts become so readily hardened and frozen? How is it that our humanity is so often just a thin veneer? How do such things happen? How?

A BAD DREAM OK, I know it’s unlikely, improbable, maybe impossible. But, I’ve heard that such things have happened. So, it could really happen, I guess. I had this dream you see........, well, a nightmare actually. When no one was looking our love simply vanished, disappeared. We searched everywhere, yes absolutely everywhere, but it was really gone. It had been right there having the finest time, so happy and content. But somehow it slipped away, was stolen or misplaced when we weren’t looking. It’s hard to figure how on its own it could just evaporate, dematerialize. Then, at the dream’s end, I saw myself standing there alone, on this vast empty landscape, wondering when, or if, our love would return. Must have been something I ate.

AGAINST NATURE’S LAW OK, I confess. I am trying to subvert one of the basic laws of nature. Cheating a bit, if you will. With you. Specifically, Newton’s Third Law. Yes, that one described by Sir Isaac about 322 years ago. ‘For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.’ It is, has been, will be, my intent to engender in you reactions much stronger, more intense, more emotive, more pleasurable, more memorable, more fabulous, more all consuming than my own actions would predict according to this law. Well, maybe it is a bit unfair, but you can’t really blame Your Guy for trying(and succeeding, I think) Do you? Right, I thought not. 7

A TRUE RENEWABLE Hope, life’s true renewable energy source. Know that your world is 360 degrees, exists in all dimensions, is limitless, without borders. The shore at your feet is not your ocean’s end but marks its constantly renewing beginning. Life is open fields, paths that go to everywhere. Always listen to and follow your heart, don’t hide in the shadows from its message. Remember that time is finite. Always keep your door open to the light, be it the moon’s light of romance or the sun’s gift of enlightenment. Let it seek you out, welcome it. For light and its companion hope foretell the arrival and continuing presence of love.

LOVE, THE GIVER Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Love, how many lips speak of your wonders How many of us bask in your warmth and glory. We live for your delights, suffer your disappointments, dwell on your mysteries. You are the giver of lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best moments. You are the bard of our hearts, singing to us your sweet melodies of romance and passion. We hope for the blessing of your presence within us, and graciously accept the gifts of joy you offer us each day.

A LOVE GLUTTON?? Knowing and experiencing love and all its wonders. It seems more unique than common. So, I must be lucky. Should I feel guilty, apologize for having something special, yet still wanting more? Am I greedy, a love glutton? You know, am I like Oliver, already having my share, yet ‘more porridge, please’? Shouldn’t I be content with what I have, being alive, able to partake of the benefits of a good life without desiring, wanting, needing more of the marvels of love? After all, that does seem to be enough for most people. Well, I just seem to have more room and a requirement someplace here, inside me, for more. So no, I’m guiltless, I’m no love glutton, but yes, ‘more porridge, please’.

WITHIN ME Within this outer casing, these boundaries that are the physical me, are things surprisingly delicate and previously unrevealed. A certain curiosity, insights, wonderment, about love, time, aging, memories, our inner presence. Who knew? I’m not sure how they got there. I’m unclear why they were undiscovered for so long. Perhaps a biologic trigger as my clock started to tick faster. No, I don’t think they were never there or lost, just hidden, waiting to make an appearance. It’s another reason why my weathervane can’t help but point to hope. ‘If in me, why not in most anyone?’ It’s given me a deeper appreciation of the advice offered by the noted scientist, Carl Sagan, ‘......cherish your species’.

Two

TIME IS WATCHING Time is always watching. There in the shadows. Just beyond the edge of recognition. Witness to our lives. Sometimes judging. Keeping track. Always ticking forward, diminishing constantly. Never telling us, never reminding us, just how much of it is left. That is, until it’s too late, about to run out. It’s not our friend, not our ally. We can never be its master. Before it’s too late, learn how to avoid being its unwitting victim, and how to be a wise custodian of your own allotment. In a life there are things we must do, things we hope to do, and things we dream about doing. Don’t wait. Assure yourself that satisfaction will be with you when the last grain

of sand falls through your hourglass. Realize that you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be passive, indifferent. Treat time as the rarest of lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always diminishing commodities. Remember, time does run out. Remember, time is watching.

DRAPED IN SILK Like love, some mornings are filled with perfect tranquility and beauty. As the surface of an undisturbed mountain lake, draped in white silk, reflecting a morningâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s first clouds. Sometimes though, a cooling breeze arises, changing the moment, producing ripple after ripple that seem to topple over the lakeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s edge to nowhere. But with certainty, the breeze ebbs and no memory of it remains. True love, with its undisturbed tranquility and beauty returns unchanged, as it always does.

RESTLESS Are you ever so restless that you can’t sit and focus? You want to be anywhere but where you are, just some other place. But you can’t figure out why or where. And other times you know why and where, but it’s not realistic. Well, for me, for all of those other times that somewhere else is wherever you are.

OUR STORIES Our lives, as we try to recall them, are seemingly collections of stories. We all have them, cherish them. Somehow they come to describe and define much of who we were, or think we were. Sometimes remembered accurately, sometimes edited, and other times invented, purposely or not. And occasionally, dreams and stories get melded, confused with each other. Regardless, we talk about them as though they are factual and true. Interestingly, out of all those years, all those days, for each life period there just seems to be a select few that we repeatedly call up. These somehow are markers in our lives. How often do we remember ourselves as we think we used to be, but fail to recognize that person is no longer us?

AN IMPERCEPTIBLY PERCEIVED PERCEPTION Do all good things tend to slip away? I never used to think so, but now I wonder. Maybe what I’m going to say makes no sense to you. It barely does to me. But, I can’t seem to shake this feeling, no matter how hard I try. That we are slowly fading away from each other. Maybe such things happen in cycles in all love relationships. It’s a vague feeling, an imperceptibly perceived perception. Have you noticed it as well? Perhaps it’s an objective observation, perhaps not. Certainly not intentional, I think. We should take it as a flashing yellow light, a caution. Long-term passionate love is indeed a unique, rare, delicate flower. It needs full loving attention, with constant cultivation, and frequent replenishing of the nutrients that allow it to flourish. I will work to be the most attentive gardener imaginable. 19

SMILING After all these years, I just now realize that I always do it. I know that you’ll say, ‘oh, how sweet is that!?’. Sure, I understand why, and perhaps it is. Nonetheless, it is the truth. It’s apparently a simple but uncontrollable emotion. Of course, there is a lot embedded in that emotion. The fact is, that whenever we are apart and I am thinking of you, I just can’t stop smiling. Like right now.

A TURBULENT JOURNEY I guess the very best things should not come easily. I’ve heard it said that the struggle of a journey makes you really appreciate the destination. Perhaps that’s why finding and holding onto love, your Love, requires such relentless determination. Fierce winds are always trying to blow you off course. So many turbulent rivers to cross. Shadows always trying to block your enjoyment of the warmth and brilliant sunshine of love. Then, just as you believe that you’ve arrived, you realize that the journey is only beginning.

THE TIDES Just as the gravitational attraction of the moon and sun, balanced by that of the earth, create the rise and fall of the ocean tides, there are gravitational forces that you, as my sun and moon, create within me that cause the ebb and flow of the tides of love within my heart. Depending on your proximity, these forces predictably create tidal waves of lust, passion and desire that relentlessly seek you, its shore. And, as we know, occasionally there are tides(the Proxigean Tide) that are so ferocious that we are both swept away to a place where even dreams are unaware.

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s really been astonishing. How in a poem almost anything seems possible. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m able to transmute my love aspirations, my erotic desires for you, into messages that arrive at, and seem so welcomed by your heart. An unimaginable joy for me. The chance to imagine, invent, to create emotions and moments of intimacy, love, tenderness and warmth that you adore, is for me a wondrous achievement.

IN THE DARKNESS I was alone in the darkness. Endless time passed. Then, I felt your hand grasp mine. It held fast. I was found, discovered. By you. You drew me close. So very close. Our hearts beating as one. We stayed that way. And the next sunrise begat every next sunrise. And after.

Three

I WAS A DREAM I was a dream. Of my beloved parents. A dream begot by love and hope. No, not uniquely theirs. But a singular, universal dream most have, embedded in our human code. Always being passed forward to those who are next. We are each creations that embody the aspiration for enduring meaning from our lives to what follows beyond us. It is also our bond to all who came before. It is a summation. We are conceived in love, nurtured with love, forever passing that dream forward. I was a dream.

ONE LANGUAGE No translation, no explanation, no interpretation needed. No ambiguity, no equivocation. These words and their meaning are clear. My heart speaks but one language --- truth. And my eyes are incapable of deception. They can only answer yours directly. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Yes, it is you that I love, now and forever.â&#x20AC;&#x2122;

HAPPINESS INTERRUPTUS I’m not sure. Perhaps I’m not a good observer, or I just don’t know. But it seems to me that so many lives these days are far more empty than they should or could be. Maybe part of it is the constant quest for rapid, well any, gratification. With it, I think, comes diminished expectations, then diminished attainment. People now seem satisfied even before the arrival of desire. Sort of a ‘premature satisfaction’, or a ‘happiness interruptus’. Sometimes the very best things just take a bit of time to develop, to arrive. Right?

A LOVE PARADOX Strange isn’t it? How sometimes the more you try not to think about something, the more you think about it. Like me thinking about you. It creates an awful paradox. On the one hand I feel guilty when I try not to think about you. You know, not wanting to be obsessive or too disappointed when I’m not with you. However, I know that when I’m not with you, if I try to not think about you, I only think about you more. It makes me a bit dizzy. You see the dilemma? So, what’s a guy to do?

THE ORIGIN OF YOU When was it that the perfection that is you came into being? The now you. What was your origin, when was your genesis? When, out of that â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;beforeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, was the first light, and then creation of your firmament and the rest? (I do so love your firmament) If not within six days followed by a day of rest, how did you evolve and become fully formed? What was the balance of input of nurture, experience, and your double helix? Is your evolution completed, or is it still surging forward? To where, to what, does this trajectory of you go? How will you know when, or if, you get there? Questions, questions.

MEND MY HEART I noticed an unseen flaw in my heart. A recent tear of some kind. Needing repair. I understand that this can happen to porcelain and other delicate things. On the surface everything seems perfect. But just under the surface there is a crack, a weakness, that unless fixed can grow wider and yet wider. You are the only one that knows how to mend my heart. I hope that you want to. I hope that you will.

PRESS REPLAY Wouldn’t it be nice to have a replay button To be able to repeat, to actually relive, on demand, our so very special moments of intimacy. Well, not only to relive them, but to make sure we remember them correctly. Perhaps even to replay those we can’t recall. I think, maybe, we’d find that those times were far better than even the rosy aura of memory. A fabulous way to hold onto and continue to experience what was so precious. Our own love library.

ECHOES AHEAD IN TIME I want my words of love to you to endure, to echo ahead in time. So when later, tomorrow, and beyond me, you will always know of my love, hear my words, feel my emotions, sense my presence, know that I am still, and will always be, right there with you.

ACCOMMODATION It seems off-putting, but necessary. This need to most always accommodate in love relationships. It must be done, I guess. To create a smooth, glass-like surface. So that you can glide on and on, even when some conflict is your instinct. Know what I mean? But, is it a good thing? You want your love to be happy, and unnecessary conflict can be a love interrupter. So, the trick is to have balance, to know when to accommodate, how much, whose turn,etc. So, whose turn is it?

LOVE TIME I had this sudden thought that I just could not get out of my head. Maybe for all love relationships that the amount of time for having that love is somehow fixed, limited. You know, just so many days, weeks, months or years. Some sort of cosmic, unrevealed law. That the opportunity you’re going to have for that love is constantly ‘on the clock’. Then, maybe if we were aware of what that time quantity was we would be more attentive. Treating time as a precious commodity, wasting as little as possible, always doing our very best. Perhaps, just in case it’s true, acting as though ‘love time’ is fixed and limited isn’t such a bad idea.

Four

WHO IS THAT FOOL? Don’t you wonder sometimes? ‘Just who is that fool that is living here inside me?’ How is it that such ridiculous thoughts take root there? How is it that such foolish words are not held back by my lips? Where do such ideas and notions come from anyway? Is it some sort of malicious imp or spirit having fun at my expense? Is it the consequence of bad air or an imbalance of various bodily fluids, as the ancients thought? Well, whatever the clearly thoughtless source, please accept my apology for that fool dwelling here inside me.

YOUR NEARNESS Your nearness. That is what I crave, most need, most want. Knowing that you are close, having you close. To hold, to see, to talk to, to be with. Close to your loving warmth, your sweetness, your tenderness, your beauty. The ready opportunity for intimacy, to affirm our love. With no regrets for time lost. The immediate chance to give as much, and much more, than I receive. Being together, undisturbed.

YOU CAN FEEL TIME You can feel time. I used to feel it blowing into my face, a very stiff wind, restraining me, much slower going than I wanted. Now I feel an even stiffer wind at my back, propelling me forward, much faster than I want, much faster than I thought possible. I can see how little time there is remaining. So for me, tomorrow is now a more precious treasure than today.

AN INVERSE RELATIONSHIP? Is it possible that the ‘formula’ for erotic desire is that it is inversely related to time and distance? That the further away, and the less time spent together, the more ferocious is the desire? Do time and distance stoke the fires of passion? Are these fires then less readily rekindled as more time is spent closely together? Is this true for some, but not for others, or is this some ‘law of love’? Well, perhaps, I guess, I’m not sure. However, it would be nice if such intense and passionate longing were a direct, not an inverse relationship. So, what do you think is our personal ‘formula’ for erotic desire?

THERE, JUST BENEATH There, just beneath this outer me, the one everyone else can also see, lies another. It is the me that is only yours. For only you to know, for only you to see, for only you to have. It exists for you only. Hidden, stored away, always waiting. It is where my love for you resides. It is at my core, where my heart can be found. There for you to visit. Whenever you can, whenever you want. It rests there impatiently, but hopefully. Longing for you, your touch, for reciprocation.

THE WIND’S MELODY Is it possible to fully understand love? Isn’t it a bit like trying to hear and remember the soft melodies that the wind creates when it rustles through the trees? Well, trying to figure love out certainly is a noble and fascinating avocation. But, beware of being overtaken by obsession and the need for absolute clarity and unambiguous certainty. That’s not an offering that love can provide. The relentless drive to know the unknowable is only self-torture. Be satisfied with knowing what you think you know. It’s as good as it gets.

JUST FILLING UP TIME Some days I seem to be just filling up time, passing time, killing time. Zombie-like days. You know what I mean? Not sure how to keep occupied with things that I care about or that provide useful meaning. Maybe it’s because I’ve been lulled into believing that life is forever, and time is constantly renewing, will never run out, so don’t worry about time lost. Of course, just maybe I can’t figure out what those things are I should be doing because I lack motivation, creativity, energy. However, on reflection, those days seem to have a common denominator. You. Those listless empty days are those when you are not in my life in some way. I guess I’m not surprised.

DESIGNING THE FUTURE Today, tomorrow, and beyond, are creations mostly fashioned in our past, but with newly added ‘accessories’. While each day is certainly a chance for a new beginning, and in a sense its own whole world, each isn’t crafted from brand new, whole cloth. Life is incremental, building on and including the good things from before. Much of it is woven from the fabrics of our lives stitched together in the past. So, why not try to see every next day as yet another chance to create a still more perfect and beautiful life?

POSSIBILITIES, HOPE, LOVE Possibilities do fuel hope. Hope and possibilities, essential elements in a life. Especially the possibilities of love and happiness. When in search of love keep its possibility at the forefront. Best to ignore despair. Keep desire, want, need, all within reasonable bounds. Well, at least try. Strive to harness time. Let your heart lead, but in collaboration with your head. Be persistent, yes most definitely that. Calm optimism is helpful. Know that doubt and uncertainty are just part of the territory, so deal with it. Please, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t whine. Know that love is there, just around the bend, just behind the next closed door, just............................... See, I told you so.

BETTER TO EXPECT No matter how hard I tried, no matter how firm was my grasp, I just could not hold onto our special moments together. There was no way to record, store and then playback each of them, any of them. So, I think I’m finally over that frustration. I’ve come to realize that it’s better to expect what may be, rather than only holding onto what’s been. After all, the past is not all that I’ll ever have, is it? I do hope, I do believe, that what lies just up ahead will likely be even better than before.

Five

THE FINAL ARC What was my dream? The one at the beginning of my circle. I don’t think I can remember any longer. I’m too tired now. Time is closing in. I had so many, many hopes. Things I wanted to do, to achieve, to leave. Did I really have that dream? I’m no longer sure. Maybe though. It’s hard now to recall. With my final arc closing, I should know, shouldn’t I? Perhaps it’s just too much detail to recall now. It’s the summation that’s really important though, isn’t it? You know, the totality of everything taken together. I think though, to be honest, that my life far surpassed my dream. By a lot. I believe, yes, that it was far far far better. A really good thing, although I hoped for more, but who doesn’t? Yes, a life so much better than my dream. Oh yes, that’s good, really good. I feel settled. Time now to rest. But, will I still dream? 52

THE ELECTRONS WAIT Where should I begin? The electrons wait. The paper is prepared to print out the ‘product’. Meaningful invention is somewhere in the queue. The words are reluctant, but only momentarily, I hope. I’m waiting for my heart to reveal itself, for thoughts to then follow. I’m searching my GPS for yet another expressive route, another direction to say how much you are adored and loved by me.

JUST FOR ME. NOT!! ‘Honey, Sweetie.’ ‘Dear, Darling.’ ‘My Guy.’ ‘Hey, Handsome.’ ‘Adorable.’ ‘You Beautiful Man.’ ‘Cute, Sexy.’ Wait, wait a second! You just heard her use one or more of these with someone else, and in front of you! Are you just one of many? How big is this club? Were you cloned when you weren’t looking? What then do these words really mean when said to me? A deeply meant endearment, or simply a name alternative to some cluster of others? Gosh, I thought these words were tender love expressions reserved just for me. Not!!

THE SMALLEST DETAIL Sometimes, the smallest detail can seem so important. Yesterday, for a moment, just after you held me close, gave me this tender kiss and then this longing look, something caught and has held my attention ever since. It actually stayed on my mind for the rest of the day and night. Such a simple thing. Makes you wonder. It was this tiny curl of your hair, so delicately hooked onto the side of your ear, just hanging there. Perhaps just a reminder that all of your details are important to me, fascinate me. Yes, of course, because I love you.

IS THERE JUST SO MUCH LOVE? Do you think that maybe there is just so much love available in the world? Some exact quantity, but no more? It sometimes seems that way, doesn’t it? People seem so unwilling to give more than what they believe is their modest allotment. As though they’re hoarding it because only so much is present in them, and they don’t want to waste any. And some can only hate, so perhaps they never got their share. You know, at the moment of the earth’s creation just so much became available. Like rare minerals hidden away to be found, discovered, valued, admired, used, passed on. If so, does everybody get their own, the same allocation? But, how come some seem to have so much more to give than others? Maybe it’s because they are willing to use it, to share it. It seems that for me, for you, for us, that there is a vast unending supply of love. Maybe we luckily received a special allocation.

HOW HAVE I CHANGED? Have I changed? If so, how? I mean, I can’t be exactly the same as I was, let’s say, 25 years ago. I must be different. Physically ‘matured’, of course. It’s hard for me to objectively know about myself, although I’m always trying to see as far over my shoulder as I can. Curiosity for sure. What I was, what I knew, what dreams I had, what moments I treasured --- it’s more than nostalgia. It’s the essence of what and who I’ve been. Could be there are some lessons from times gone for times ahead. So, please tell me what you think, what you remember. Don’t hesitate, don’t be shy. So, how have I changed?

THE WAY I FEEL It’s the way I ‘feel’. Here, deep inside, that’s important. Sure, talking, sharing, doing, experiencing things together, are very special for me. But, sometimes just ‘being’, holding and kissing, seeing the sparkle of happiness in your eyes, is what creates a supreme ‘feeling’. It’s simply knowing that we are bound together, now and forever. Nothing is better than that.

BE NICE TO LOVE You never know when love might arrive. Often, usually, it’s unexpected, serendipitous. You’re at this party, can’t wait to leave, you glance across the room, your eyes lock, and in that single moment you know. Now, how did that happen? You’re walking along, thinking about your life, your thoughts somehow converge on this really, really terrific person you’ve known for awhile, and in a flash you grasp that you’re in love and probably have been for awhile. How come, after all that time, you never realized it? It can happen anytime, day or night, in any place, whether you want it or not. Love is always there, in the shadows, waiting for its moment, whether invited or not. It lurks, just beyond the edge of your awareness, waiting for its chance to supercharge your life. So, when love arrives, greet it with the full joy and respect it deserves. Be nice to love.

IN THE LOST AND FOUND So strange, isn’t it? How easy it is for certain feelings and emotions to get lost. Important ones like desire, lust, passion, and even love itself. Then you might wonder, ‘is it really gone forever or just lost?’ If so, how did that happen? Well, maybe it’s accidently misplaced, and sitting there in the Lost and Found. If you really want those feelings and emotions that you so cherish back again, it will be easy to find that Lost and Found. Sometimes when those feelings and emotions are out of sight a bit, and sitting on a shelf someplace, you come to realize how important they are to you.

WHISPER TO YOURSELF Go to a quiet place where you can be alone, undisturbed. Now imagine that you have a choice. That you could of had, still could have, any life you want. Consider all aspects of your life. That you are free from all constraints. Sort of a ‘free will extremis’. Perhaps from tomorrow forward. Close your eyes. Reflect on all possibilities. Take your time. Well, what would that choice, those choices be? No, don’t tell me. Too dangerous of a secret. But, do go ahead, dare to whisper the answer to yourself, only yourself.

Six

MEMORY TREASURES I find it so peculiar. The bits of things I remember about those I loved, and who loved me, who are now gone. What’s more remarkable are all the things, all the times, I can’t remember. I only seem to possess brief flashes of memory. And why those particular ones? Is it the same for everyone? Sometimes it’s not a particular image or recollection, but just a vague impression. The loving warmth of my grandmother’s hand holding mine. Is it that the loss is too painful so our mind mechanisms protect us? The sparkle in my grandfather’s eyes and his beaming smile as he opens his apartment door to ‘our’ special knock. Or is it that we just have so many ‘byts’ of storage capacity, and lack control over what’s kept and discarded?

Standing in the sink, about age two or three, just back from Brighton Beach, my mother laughing and washing the sand from my hair. Just how are these lasting memory selections made? My father, home late from work, him sitting on my bed, me pretending to already be asleep, him giving me a gentle kiss. All so special, each a treasure, but still, how they get their is just another of lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s unsolvable mysteries.

WAITING FOR HER I’m here waiting. For my Love to arrive. Just before she opens the door I’ll hear her footsteps. The doorknob will turn. These brief moments will seem like hours. The ones up to now seem like days. Such anticipation, such a distortion of time. My breathing and heart rate will quicken. She’ll enter, beaming, happy. The room, my heart, will brighten. I won’t notice anything else but her beautiful face. Especially her eyes, her lips. Her outer clothes will be tossed onto the chair, shoes kicked off. Then quickly into my embrace. Her skin still cool, her body warm. Wait, I hear her footsteps.........

LET LOVE IN? Should I, or shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t I? Let love in, that is. Could turn my mind to mush. Screw up my judgment. Leave me in constant flux--does she or doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t she? Diminish my self-esteem. Require excessive dependence on someone else. Fill me with anxiety, doubt, even false hope. Constant sharing obligatory. Self indulgence a no-no. Too much happiness might slip in. Too many expectations unfulfilled. Someone else to constant please. Privacy gone. Intimacy on their time, so you might never know when. Sure, why not!!

IMAGINE Just imagine. Days with no constraints. To be anything or everything. To go anywhere or everywhere. To do anything or everything. Striving for happiness, pleasure, fulfillment, completion. The chance to know what is unknown. To experience, to see, to understand whatever you choose. Or, to do absolutely nothing, to be completely undisturbed. Imagine days like these, your choice. Imagine.

YOUR HEART BEATING IN MINE There are moments in the course of each day and each night when I feel your heart beating in mine. When I sense our lips in a blissful sweet embrace. When your scent fills all the air that I breathe. When the only sound I hear are the echoes of your gentle whispered endearments. When I imagine, anticipate, the arousal and then the tidal waves of passion that are triggered by our first touches. When together we soar as one across the outer reaches of the heavens.

ON LOAN Much of what I think is mine is really borrowed, on loan, while Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m alive. In the end, what things can I really keep anyway? Where would I take them? Much too much time in a life is spent acquiring objects, things. What is really mine and mine alone, are my thoughts, beliefs, my values and ideals, my own emotions, experiences and memories. But most of the very, very best in my life, is what has been, and is being shared. Most especially, it is the sharing of our love and happiness that is my most treasured possession.

BALANCE, RECALIBRATE It’s not fair. That balance of time in a life. It seems that it’s only possible to squeeze a little bit of love into a few spare moments. Love rarely makes it onto the schedule. Yes, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Sure, of course, there are other interesting things in the long stretch of days, months and years. There, yes right there, in your heart, you well know that those few moments of love and intimacy count more, have more importance, more meaning, bring you more happiness and pleasure, than most of the rest. So, why isn’t it a priority? No, it’s not that the other stuff isn’t important. But, shouldn’t you recalibrate how you do spend your time? Bring your life into balance. Go ahead, make more time for love. Lot’s more. Start right now, before it’s too late.

LOVE ENABLES Love somehow enables us to see and enjoy emotional beauty, experience pleasures and wonders, that were for us, previously unknown. It’s as though a master ‘on’ switch has been flipped. A new dimension of reality found, as we travel about in this newly revealed, magnificent universe, reveling in discovery after discovery.

VIVID COLORS Why is it that when I see you everything else is in faded black and white, monochromatic? You arrive, stunning, beautiful, magnetic, in vivid colors so pure, so perfect. Hey, am I in a dream? Nope, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the real thing. I am somehow unable to notice anything else. My eyes, all my thoughts are locked onto you, all of you, all. I feel myself a bit breathless. I struggle inside to regain control. I just never can get used to it. When you are near, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always like this. This response. Must be love.

SEARCHING FOR LOVE AND BEAUTY Beauty. Love. They’re not that hard to find. They’re right there in plain sight. You just have to be open to discovery, with a hope for life’s possibilities. Sure, sometimes you might have to search a bit. But, there are wonderful surprises waiting for you in unexpected places. If you can find beauty and love inside yourself, you will readily find it elsewhere. So, go ahead, start searching, look carefully. Trust me, you’ll be so very, very happy that you did.

Seven

LOVE AND INFERENCES Believe it or not, there are limits to what we can know with absolute certainty. There just are things in the universe beyond the grasp of our individual and collective intellect. Some of these are seemingly simply things, such as the actual presence of love. Others are more complex, such as the unified laws of the universe. There just are undiscoverable facts that would be necessary to provide irrefutable proofs. That no amount of experimentation, analysis, calculation, could provide conclusions beyond dispute. So, we must make inferences, predictions, assumptions. Based on years of objective and subjective observations and experiences, you can most certainly infer, assume, believe that I most definitely love you. However, I am open to trying to achieve that incontrovertible proof through whatever experimentation and other means that you might suggest.

ALWAYS It is always the case, yes absolutely always, that in the course of every day I can’t wait to see you, to talk to you, to be with you. To have contact of any kind. This is a constant desire. And that is the truth, even though I might not have said it. My guess is that you may be surprised at the ‘always’. However, when I am about to walk into a room, where I know you are, I’m always filled with the anticipation of happiness and love. And that, and and a whole lot more, is what I always find in that room. With the expectation always being surpassed by the experience, it is no wonder that I exhibit this romantic, Pavlovian behavior. So today, in the spirit of ‘always’, I ask you, ‘will you always be mine?’ But know, that no matter what, I will always be yours. Always. 79

ADRIFT Do you sometimes feel adrift, needing to take root, to anchor? Before it’s too late, but not knowing why or for what? That free-floating uncertainty and doubt have taken possession of your thoughts. You feel as though gravity may give way and you’ll fly off into space. Concerned, you ask, ‘can that really happen?’ You’re not sure whether you’re looking for the answer or the question, the whole or the particular, everything or one thing. Should you choose certainty or chance? You’re frustrated to realize that most of what was is knowable, but little of what will be is. Maybe, you’re in love. After all, these are some of the symptoms.

MY DESIRE My desire for you craves continuous fulfillment. The longing is constant, unrelenting, never quenched. It is much more than a simple wish or want ----- it is a penultimate need. Physical, emotional, a ferocious imperative. Demanding a completion that canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be completed. There is no end to, no diminishing of, this desire. I yield to its power. I am yours. Are you mine?

LOVE, WAITING IN THE SHADOWS I saw Love standing there, in the shadows, waiting. Waiting for us. Wondering if and when it might enter our lives. Love just wanted to be sure. Sure that it wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be stillborn. Given the level of its required effort, challenges it faces, you couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t blame Love for its caution. It always wants and deserves a happy and vibrant home, and a long exhilarating life. And in us, it certainly has found that, and so much more.

DOUBTS Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m troubled. A bad thing for a hopeaholic. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m beginning to have real doubts. That the future of our world may not be better than our past. That there is a declining recognition that life is a special treasure, a gift, and should be lived as such each day. That seeking and giving love, and cherishing its possibilities, should be the real currency to be sought. In sharp counterpoint, I have our love, your love, so I retain hope and my standing as a hopeaholic.

WHAT MATTERS? What is it that matters, that really counts, is especially important and meaningful to you? That is, or should be, significant in making your life special. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s critical, vital in providing fulfillment, even wonder. Is it something you even think about? For some, it might be in the negative and basic --- not being hungry, sick, poor. For others, it might be in the positive, in the form of hope of what might yet be. For still others it might be personal, simple --- to love and be loved. And for some it could be less personal and more global ---peace, lack of poverty. So, what is it that matters most to you?

PRIVATE WORLDS It’s fascinating to me. At first glance my own inner, personal, private world seemed so small and limited compared to the vast and complex outside world. And yet I know that mine is filled with you, so much exquisite detail, and so many secret things and wondrous, exotic places. Where there is so much yet to explore. I guess I must be using a magnifying lens on my inner world and a grand camera obscura for the outer world. I wonder if that’s true for others, for you? If you will, however, please take my hand and let’s journey together as co-explorers in search of a joint inner and outer life, filled with never ending moments of overwhelming and soaring love, happiness and joy.

THE CANVAS INSIDE You are a love artist. Your words, your touch, your kiss, your love are the paints and brushes. Your canvas is right here, inside me, within my heart. It is where you paint, where all of your works are on full display. I marvel at your creativity, inventiveness, the warmth and thoughtfulness of your compositions. I am honored to be the subject of your masterpieces, and so proud and fortunate to be the beneficiary of your extraordinary love and artistic talents.

A HAPPINESS SECRET Expect and want little for yourself, and as much as possible for your other and all others you care about. This is the simple secret to supreme and enduring happiness. Live it. Pass it on.

Eight

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FUTURE? There comes a point in a life when you begin to realize that the future isn’t about you any longer. Time is collapsing in on itself. Your future is really the present, not what lies over the horizon. Possibilities are no longer endless. It certainly changes your perspective. Those who haven’t gotten there yet just don’t seem to understand. Why would they? With this recognition, I now have a greater requirement for certainty, unambiguous fulfillment, the need for completion, far less appreciation for delayed gratification.

CERTAINTY I love its certainty. Its symmetrical beauty. That it is unequivocal. That it was inevitable. Known without words. A wondrous dream with unambiguous intentions. Guided by the stars, directed by the heavens, angels assuring. A future beyond eternity. My treasure. Our love.

IN WHAT SEASON? I know, I should be able to tell. But I can’t. I mean a person should know such things with crystal clarity. I confess, I am baffled, uncertain. I think it would be good to know precisely. In just what season is our love? Is this something that you know? Because I assume you would. I don’t have a clue. Are we in the full hope and wondrous blossoming of Springtime? Is it the sultry heat, intensity and constant fulfillment of Summer? Perhaps it’s the softening beauty, with the first hints of gradual decline, of Autumn? But maybe it’s the start of the empty bleakness, searing cold, harsh foreboding of Winter? Or is it none, or all of the above? What do you think? Please, tell me.

TEMPTATION Daily life is filled with so much temptation. But, resist temptation? Yes, sure, I can. Well, that is, any temptation but you. For you, I have and want no control. Since I and my heart are always willing, you must be the gatekeeper. Without you at that barricade, love anarchy would rule. But please, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be too vigilant.

WORD SUPPLY How many words in a lifetime do you get to say? It’s not unlimited you know. The supply will run out. Perhaps it’s important then to be a bit choosey. To make sure the words that you really, really want to say, get said. Sometimes it’s better to be more precise, less ambiguous, to make absolutely certain you’ve been understood. To treat the words, especially those from your heart, like a rare treasure. And, most especially, never hesitate to tell the one you love, ‘I love you’. For this you only have to use those three precious gems from your word jewel box.

THAT DAY Do you ever hope for a single day of such perfection that all you ever wanted would occur in that day? A day to remember forever. A day that fulfills, even far exceeds, all of your dreams, hopes, desires. So that you would know that all you ever wanted were possible to have, and you would know what it was like to have everything fulfilled at least once.

DO SIMPLE THINGS The simplest things can create life altering magic. Reaching to hold hands. A single, meant, tender kiss. A steady look of felt warmth and adoration. Really caring about, ‘how was your day?’. A slow, soft stroke to the cheek. An endearing message. A deeply intended compliment. Saying I love you. ‘I love you.’

IN YOUR EYES I love it when we are close, really close. When I feel the heat of your cheeks on my hands. Taste the sweetness of your lips with mine. Inhale your intoxicating fragrance. And see in your eyes my own reflection being blended with your vision of the wonders of us together.

MAKING LOVE BETTER Love can always be made better. As good as it is, we know that improvements are possible. Something added, enhanced in each act, encounter, sentence. That something must be an absorbable ‘nutrient’. Able to make some difference in love’s health and vitality. For the benefit and satisfaction of your other(and yourself). Adding to the meaning, the pleasure, the passion, the probability of even yet more happiness. Not just for a singular moment in time. But with the purpose of creating a more perfect experience. If love is so central to a meaningful life, don’t we want it to be continuously improved?

DUSK TO DAWN The moments when we have to part are like the instant before each day finally yielding to the nightâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s inevitability. When the light of day is refusing to lose its grasp, desperately seeking to hold onto its domain. Unwilling to acquiesce to darkness. It is an instant of such exquisite beauty, when except for its recurring birth each dawn, that the day displays all of its majesty in one last remembered breath. In those moments of parting I realize that I, too, will have to wait for the next dawn of your arrival, when the beauty of your light will again fill my life.

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IMAGINATION I think to love, to really love, you need a vibrant imagination. To conjure up what might be. To try and reach beyond, to make your love better, and still better. To transport yourself to worlds of your own design. To see yourself, and the one you love, both as you are, and what together you might yet be. To see the possibilities, however improbable they seem at the moment. To know what to hope for, what to strive to reach. And, when in love, with that imagination, know that you can arrive, each and every day, at your desired destination.

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CERTAINTY v. SERENDIPITY Hindsight even before foresight? Experience before the experience? Know whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s coming in front of you as you look into your rearview mirror? Perfected foreknowledge, wisdom and fully formed judgment? I wonder how differently we would act if that was the way things were? Chance, happenstance would be out of the equation. But how much of the enjoyment, beauty, and even the presence of love is dependent on uncertainty, ambiguity, the consequence of unintended actions? I vote for serendipity and the possibility of surprise and wonder, rather than mechanical predictability and certainty. Just a romantic, I guess.

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SHAPECHANGER? Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve never really felt complete. Fully formed. A finished product of my own evolution. Maybe thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a good thing. I do believe that I am adaptive, able to react and change, to make myself better. Of course, others might see me as static, fixed, perhaps able to devolve, not evolve. What do you think? Am I capable of modest and desirable transformations? Ones that yield a shape better fitted and honed to yours? I do, after all, aspire to fit your shape.

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WHAT REMAINS In the very end, yes that very end. Sure, sure, we hope it will never happen. What in the very end, that really most counts for me, that is solely mine, that I will have to leave, is it that I hope will remain after? True, I can’t take anything with me. No, I don’t mean the ‘public’ outer me, wanting to leave the world a better place as the result of my own hand, although I do cherish that possibility. I’m speaking here of the ‘private’, inner me. You know, the life essence, the personal, the intangible me. Well, quite simply that remaining something is the continuing presence of me and my love, forever in the hearts of those I loved and who loved me, sustained by the fondest of memories. Yes, that’s my hope.

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DON’T RUIN A GOOD THING Here I am. Finally. High up on this mountain’s ridge. No one around. My breathing now slowing. A slight breeze. Spectacular horizon with views in every direction. The morning sun first peeking over the treetops. Birdcalls. The air so very fresh. Strange that there are so few moments like this. I’m wondering. Maybe this is just the right time and place to consider the purpose of my existence.................. Nah, I don’t think so, not now. Sometimes too much reflection might ruin a good thing.

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WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH? Why is it that even when we are filled with a sense of plenty it never seems to be enough? Greed, a loss of any sense of proportion, bad judgment, laziness to move onto something next? Surely, we must recognize that having more and more of some things is not always good for our lives or health. But on the other hand, isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t it natural to want more and still more of the certain few things that we most enjoy, cherish, value? Especially if it really is good for you. To personalize, I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t imagine, conceive of a quantity, a frequency when enough of you would ever be enough.

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AROUND OUR BEND Aren’t you curious? Even just a little? Don’t you want to know? Perhaps take a little peek? Is it better to guess or assume? Could be you’re a ‘whatever will be will be’ person. Maybe you believe that knowing diminishes the fun between now and whenever is then. Or is it that you somehow know without knowing for sure, what is just around our bend, just over there, just out of sight.

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TIME TO TELL YOU There are so many things that I still want to tell you. Words from my heart. Important words. But there never seems to be the time. But surely with so much actual time in each day, there must be enough. Why this paradox? Am I holding onto these words as precious treasures, too fragile to share? Am I afraid they wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t seem as important to you as they are to me? That there may be no reciprocation? Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m just not sure why. Do you also have such words for me?

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REMARKABLE, REALLY Sometimes I’m amazed, astonished. I just don’t know how it happens. It’s remarkable, really. A glance, a gentle smile, a tender word, a touch from you releases this emotional torrent. This overpowering, intense necessity at that moment, to be in the same physical space. To share, to consume each other’s gifts. All of them. Yes, remarkable.

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IS TOO MUCH PATIENCE A VIRTUE? I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t get it. Just how could too much patience possibly be a virtue in a love relationship? Well, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s definitely not for me. I mean, why should it be? Love is about sharing intimacy, time, yourself. A commitment to try and give more than you might receive. Constantly discovering ways to affirm the romance, the ardor, the obligations implicit in the bond, so willingly entered into together. The persistent and distinct imbalance in the actual physical and emotional time invested in a love relationship can be a malignancy. And, we know where that can lead unless treated effectively and in time. So no, too much patience is definitely a vice not a virtue.

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IMPERMANENCE Life offers the appearance of permanence, predictability. We create the illusion by having ordered lives, filled with routine, surrounded by objects that we can touch, hold, see. Like having a schedule for tomorrow, plans for next week. But, the reality of life is much more fragile and uncertain. We have no guarantee of a continuing existence, as all things will disappear in time. Take a moment right now. Go, gaze upward to the sky. Especially follow the clouds, their constantly changing form, the way their beauty is continuously being altered by the light of the day and of the night. Life is often a bit like that. It is filled with so much beauty, but

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what is to occur next is much more unpredictable than we care to admit. So, always be prepared to allow life to astonish, to surprise, relish spontaneity, cherish serendipity. Treasure the so few really special moments, especially those of truly transcendent love. And realize, that the greatest remembered moments in a life will be just as ephemeral as the clouds in a spectacular sunset.

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WHEN THE WORDS HIDE My heart’s voice lies mute. Oh, my own heart desperately wants and intends to speak. But, the words hide. This happens. It’s not for want of inspiration, but only a momentary diminution of imagination and talent. Meanwhile, My Love surely waits for another new poem’s warm caress and affirmation. Will this delay create doubt? Don’t all the other poems, sculpted as lasting facsimiles of our wondrous passion and love, count? Does this interruption diminish any of that? Have I created expectations impossible to fulfill?

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WAITING I dreamt that I was waiting. Sitting on this straight back chair, in the middle of a flat, grassy field that stretched beyond the horizon’s downward slope. I was alone. Not even birds or butterflies. There was no wind, no trees. The sun was brilliant, fixed in the sky. There was no night. I felt neither warmth nor cold. I couldn’t tell my age. It seemed as though I had always been there, and would always be there. Waiting patiently, but without expectation. I didn’t know why or for what. I was just waiting.

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THROUGH YOUR EYES What would I see if I saw me through your eyes? I wonder. What would I find that so ignites the ardor and affections you display? What unsaid frustrations and disappointments with me might I discover? What hopes, wishes, desires of me lie unrevealed, unshared? Might I see you puzzling over exactly the same question ----â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;what would I see if I saw me through his eyesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;?

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KNOWING ANOTHER You can’t fully know another person. We each have this need to keep some things hidden away. Only for us, private, out of sight. Sometimes for good reasons, as it probably should be. These thoughts and observations are about ourselves, about others, about ‘things’. Might be unpleasant, blunt, and at significant variance with what is on the outside. The unfiltered sharing of everything would not be well understood. Anyway, do you really want to know everything about someone? Well, beyond base curiosity. Knowing our own selves is enough of a struggle.

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PURSUE MY HEART Come, pursue my heart. Seek it out and all of me. Me, inside and out. Search day and night, awake and in your dreams. I am yours to possess and am easy to find. I will go, oh so willingly, oh so happily. I am here only for you, as I hope you are for me. But, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t linger or I might fade away to the unknown, on the other side of the unreachable.

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STUCK AT THE SURFACE Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get stuck at the surface of things? Of important things, like love. Unable or unwilling to get past the obvious, to probe below. To really explore, to understand fully. Maybe it’s laziness or self-absorption. It’s easier to cruise along that outer veneer. Perhaps it’s thought to be too much time taken away from the joys of aimless wandering. Too much work, too much effort. But, isn’t love worth it? I mean, if not love, then what is? For me, it’s what lies beneath the surface that fascinates. It’s the excitement and satisfaction of the journey, the exploration, the discoveries. Seeing love’s possibilities, how to get there, and how to return again and again and again.

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VISITORS Visitors in our thoughts. There can be many who make occasional appearances. Even after they’ve gone, left or passed on. Some we want to stay, even move in. Losses to hold onto. Others we can’t seem to get rid of, no matter how hard we try. Family, friends, enemies, lovers(actual, imagined), colleagues, ‘incidentals’. Usually, they just make guest appearances, as in dreams or remembrances. Some comforting, some unnerving. Sometimes, seemingly there for a purpose, but one that is unfathomable. You’d think you would be in control as your own writer, director, producer. But so often you just wonder, ‘who is it that’s in charge of me anyway?’ Must be a reason for these visitors, I guess.

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STOP AND LISTEN! Sometimes, don’t you just want to know that you’re being heard? You know, be able to stop the world or a part of it, and have everyone, or that special someone, listen to what you have to say. To know that you have their full attention, that they are really, really listening. That your words, in their full and intended meaning, have been unambiguously understood with absolute clarity. Now, wouldn’t that be nice?

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BEYOND LOVE? Is there anything beyond love? I’ve never heard anyone say so, have you? I mean, what could it possibly be? There are, of course, different forms of love, such as love of a child, romantic love, self love, love of an idea, etc. And there are degrees of, or the felt intensity of love. There are the numbers, how many you’ve loved. There’s the length of time you’ve been in love, the level of intimacy achieved. Then there’s the variation on how one expresses love, and the extent of the mutuality of love. No, I think that love, in particular our love, is already way beyond any beyond.

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Eleven

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EVERYTHING OR NOTHING? Think for a second. The role of chance in a life. Everything or nothing? This sperm uniting with that egg. That family or this family who takes you home from the hospital. An almost deadly driving accident barely avoided. Going to this school or that school. Saying yes or no to a date with this person or that person. Going for this job interview or that one. It goes on and on and on. You’ll never really know about the ‘what ifs’, the ‘what might have beens’. But sometimes you do know, that even with the most expansive imagination, it never could have turned out better. Me and you.

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LOVE MAGICIAN A magician. A love magician. Yes, that’s what you are, that’s what you must be. With a word, a smile, you make love appear in a blinding flash. I mean, in a life how often does that happen!? With a touch you make the inanimate most animate. I swear, it’s no illusion. You levitate my heart so that it can soar over clouds and rainbows. In your grasp I am transported to places of exquisite, beauty and delight. No, it’s not a conjurer’s trick. It is indeed the real thing.

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LOST EARS? I thought at first that perhaps you lost your hearing or your ears. Why else wouldn’t you hear my words? But then I thought, maybe you heard the words, but couldn’t understand what I was saying. If so, was it because I wasn’t speaking clearly, or because I made no sense? Or maybe I thought I was speaking but no real sounds were passing my lips. Or perhaps you heard my words, but thought the best approach was to ignore me since you thought the words were foolish. Worst of all, perhaps you heard my words but didn’t care, and couldn’t be bothered to answer. Of course, maybe you heard my words, cared about what I said, but were taking a lot of time, a real lot of time, to answer.

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MORE I want more. More time. It is just a bit unnerving. To actually see those grains of sand dropping through my hourglass, although I try not to watch. I want to see my children and their children grow old, happy, fulfilled. To always feel the warmth of the sun, hear the waves meeting the beach. To see the end of poverty and suffering. To know that the earth is safe. To see a thousand more full moons, and every sunrise and sunset in between. To help find more ways to make the world a better place. And, to always be with you, to always have you close, to share our love, always.

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THE LOVE FIELD Something quite special and magical occurs there. In that narrow space, at the interface between lovers. You may know what I mean. It’s some sort of supercharged electrical love field, I think. An irresistible, so powerful attractive force, that takes over as you get just so close. Instinct rules, conscious thoughts are gone. An intense bonding and wondrous fused intimacy. Some extraordinary exchange, a sharing of self, a giving and receiving. Confirming that together you are a singular complement, completing each other to create an ‘us’. OK, now that the explanation has been made, step just a bit closer My Love, so we can close that gap and meld into our night.

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MISTAKE FREE? If you could, what things about your past, with your Love, would you change? Are there mistakes you made with your other that you would try and fix if you could? I mean, except for reflective learning we can’t call a ‘do over’ for every scene, but we can do better next time, always working toward a ‘mistake free’ relationship. We can’t always know in advance the consequences of our actions. You can’t preplan everything, but you can’t leave everything to fate either. Usually we are spontaneous, improvising, acting with limited information, using experience and judgment, uncertain about the exact response. We are human after all. However, no matter what, if you do make a mistake, admit it, don’t wait to apologize. For whatever reason, yes it does seem unfair, that one mistake may need to be balanced by lots of good things. It’s just harder for people to let go of negatives. Good luck!! 133

A SPACE TO BE FILLED I wonder if this is true for others, or just me. I mean, do other people experience a similar thing? It’s not that easy to talk about. You see, very often there is this vast, empty space, right here inside me. In my heart to be exact. Waiting, needing to be filled. Other times that space is so full that ‘my cup runneth over’. It’s only you and your love that is able to fill that space. There just doesn’t seem to be a way to achieve perfect balance. Maybe it’s like hunger, and I’m just hungry for you all of the time. Like right now.

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ARTIFACTS Somehow, I feel that itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s really important. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t fully know why. That in the end, there are remaining artifacts of our time together. Evidence, proof, that our love, in all of its splendor, existed, flourished, a brilliant comet scorching a path across the heavens. That we were here and created moments of true human wonder.

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WHAT’S REAL, TANGIBLE? Some emotions, such as love, are as real and tangible as physical things that you can see and touch. Well, I think it’s true. Now, a question. In love, is the physical presence of your lover, their touch or the emotion aroused in you, more real? See what I mean? Sure, it’s so much better to have them all together, with you at the same time. Each reinforcing the others. Oh, definitely. But sometimes, you just have to settle for that singular, vibrant emotion. To keep you nice and warm until........ .

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GETTING CONTROL Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed how busy your days are. Too many things occurring, too many things demanding your attention, too many extraneous things that all call out for you to acknowledge, to solve. How little control you feel you have. Sort of like your life is a video game, and you’re driving fast, the wrong way down a one way street, dodging trucks. Yes, you do have to deal with many of these things, but how many do you really care about? During the course of each day wouldn’t you just love to yell, ‘stop!’, and take time outs? To have absolute stillness. To call up one clear thought at a time, one of your own choosing. It might give you a sense of having some control, to attend to what you don’t want to miss. You know, I have a secret. This is possible to do. You just have to really, really want to be in control for some part of each day. Go ahead, just do it! 137

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Twelve

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DARK MATTER, DARK ENERGY Wait just a second! I’m not sure I like this idea. The latest hypothesis. That most of the universe is made of dark matter and dark energy, both of which are undetectable. So, it’s there, ‘maybe’?! Well then, ‘maybe’ this dark stuff is also there inside us, darkening our world. And ‘maybe’ that’s what’s responsible for all that negativity. You know, ‘maybe’ when it’s inside us it takes the form of anti-hope or anti-love matter. So ‘maybe’ there’s a cosmological explanation for those bad vibes I, I mean we, sometimes emit. So ‘maybe’ this hypothesis does have merit. ‘Darn it, Honey, it was just that dark matter acting up again!’

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BEWARE OF PERFECT Have you ever noticed how in love relationships that perfect is the enemy of unbelievably fabulous and wonderful? Is it that our expectations for our other, and for relationships, are too unrealistic? Is it because we want the ‘reject button’ in case things get too close? Is it because we so blindly and mistakenly fail to realize how far from perfect we, ourselves, really are? Well, whatever the explanation, beware of perfect and its unrealistic companions. Sure, it’s OK to strive for that. But, recognize that everyone, including you, has flaws since we are not highly evolved androids, and all relationships are imperfect. Otherwise, you just might find yourself alone, with someone who is far less than perfect, far less than fabulous or wonderful, ............ yourself!!

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GETTING IT RIGHT It’s so frustrating. You’d think it would be simpler. To get the words right, to get the right words. To express the range and depth of the love that I feel for you. Emotions are just so complex to fully articulate. Words often fail to convey the explicit desired fullness of what I intend. I do want each word, each sentence that I say and write, to be a unique and special gift. Ones that you will treasure. Ones that impart the unambiguous clarity of my heart’s voice.

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THIS HOUSE I’m here, in this house, this body of mine. Occupant for life. The corporeal me. Certainly part of the one of a kind me. It budded and then flowered in its time. However, a permanent perennial it’s not to be. It will have fewer seasons than forever. My house can’t transcend the inevitable, but can I? Well, for a bit longer perhaps. By passing forward my double helix, transferred ideas and values, fond relationships that others remember. By words left to provoke, ponder, use. But, in the truly grand sweep of time everything has the same fate as this house.

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FLYING Wow! I was flying, and flying fast. Just me, and real, real low. Over the deep and bluest ocean. I could feel the spray from waves crashing just below. The sun golden, brilliant, warm. I thought I was searching for you. Wanting, needing to be with you. But, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always the case. Not sure though, maybe I was just out for a ride. I zoomed over empty islands with their empty beaches, It was truly fabulous. Suddenly awake, dream interruptus. Bummer! Now what was I supposed to do?

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WHAT IS IT? What is it that passes between us? What is that exchange exactly? What is it that we see when we see the other? What is it that we feel when we are near each other? What is it that we hear when the other speaks? What is it that changes within us when we touch, when we kiss, when we embrace? What is it that we each hope is our future with the other? What is it?

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WHY THIS SILENCE? Did you ever notice how rare it is for people to openly speak about love, their love? Either in a public way, or from what I understand, privately as well. I wonder why that is, why this silence? Shyness, incurable privacy? Fear that the telling will destroy the very thing possessed? That words of wonder will undo the wonder? That somehow a magical spell will be broken? Or is it uncertainty and fear of commitment? Is it not knowing the true thoughts and preferences of oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s other, and not wanting to speak first and risk rejection? Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hard to figure. In life there are certain risks that are worth taking, where there is much more to gain than to lose. So, go ahead, speak or write about love, your love, to Your Love, especially.

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LOST MOMENTS, LOST MEMORIES All moments, all memories are lost in time. The things we each see, the things we each experience, no other will ever really know. These are part of our own unique identity. ‘I was here, I existed, this happened.’ But just where do these moments and the memory of them go? Well, perhaps some are like ghosts. They continue to be ‘there’, but we don’t know it except when one makes a fleeting reappearance in some form. So many of our moments and memories are so very precious to us. They occur, full of the wonders of life, having important meaning, then vanish, fade away. We believe that there is some tangible and continuing reality to their existence, unable to grasp just how tenuous is their presence, and therefore, our presence. So, what’s the lesson here? I think it’s to get the full enjoyment and pleasure from these moments as they occur. You can’t relive the actual moment as its memory. Don’t expect to file away the moment to be captured in its original or edited form later, or perhaps at all. Later, that memory file may no longer be there. 147

STRING TO YOUR HEART I dreamt that I had to climb a string to reach your heart. You were waiting for me, there just above the clouds. All of your beauty, yes all, was perfectly illuminated by the light of a new full moon. So alluring, enticing. How could I possibly resist? Of course I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t. The string was delicate and fragile, but was the only route. Slowly, gradually, I found a way to stand and balance, then walk along the stringâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s full length. On my arrival your happiness and joy were fully evident. In reward, you gave me your heart, your hand, your love. You already had mine.

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COME, LEAN INTO ME Come, lean into me. Let me whisper my magical song of love. Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s coil around each other, entranced by its hypnotic tune. Let ourselves be released into the torrent of love and passion it creates. The words transmuted into touches, kisses and all else. We will discover the source of its hidden spring, where the songâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s voice originates, and forever bathe in its waters. Come, lean into me.

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In Loving Memory Of The Forgotten

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I HEAR THE DEAD I hear the dead. The constant echo of their cries. The children. The slaughtered. Lost forever. Victims of unbearable torment, pain, horror, suffering. From the four corners of my own diaspora -- Blazowa, Rotmistrovka, Boryslav, Libau, and far beyond. My generations and all the others left behind. Vanished, erased, from the body of collective humanity. They were seeds of what could have been. The dead and all those after, who will now never be. They were also the loss of all the generations before, who 152

struggled so in hardship and anguish to give life and hope to those exterminated. Memory of them all, them all, now evaporating with time. Am I not who they were? They would not have forgotten me. Was Kaddish, the prayer for the dead, said for each, for all? But, most had no one left to say it for them. How can we, who remain, rest until we know that their precious souls are forever under Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s eternal protection, bound up in the collective presence of their own people, for all time, beyond time? But no answer is ever heard. God is mute, hiding in shame. As He should.

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These were bestial acts of intentional, unspeakable inhumanity. Nourished by those who acted in the name of their god, with their perverse beliefs, both then and in the centuries before, that was the cause, the original sin. Of those who knew what was occurring, few stood up, fewer acted. It is my deepest hope that those with the stain of blood, and those consenting, have been condemned to an eternity of endless and horrific suffering for their crimes. This occurred within our lifetime, not another place, another time. It was the most unspeakable, abominable crime in all human history. And yet, the memory still fades. Some, who are reincarnations of

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the beasts, in harsh and further cruelty, even deny that the horror ever took place. Where then are the millions? First as a child, I secretly prayed to God to anoint me as His avenging angel, so that I could sweep across the earth, gathering up and devouring the guilty and complicit. I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t bear the thought that some of these demons still walk the earth, while the sweet innocents are forgotten. I continue to awake, hoping to find the anointing oil moist on my forehead. Maybe it will be so with tomorrowâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s first light. Because, still, I hear the dead. We are what now remains of the strands of cloth woven together by Jacob for Josephâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s coat. So, it is for us, in most blessed memory for all of the perished and forgotten, to always remember, to always pass on and honor that

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memory, and to say Kaddish now, hoping that all their departed souls will be bound up with ours, and will finally be at rest, in peace, forever and ever. Amen Kaddish:

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Yees’gadal v’yees’kadash sh’mey rabba B’alma dee v’ra cheer’usey, v’yamleech malchu’say B’cha’yey’chon, u’v’yo’mey’chon, u’v’cha’yei d’chol Beis Yisrael, Ba’agala u’veez’man kareev, v’eem’ru: Amein. Y’hey sh’mey rabba m’varach l’alam u’l’almey almaya. Yees’barach, v’yeesh’tabach, v’yees’pa’ar, v’yees’romam, v’yees’nasei, v’yees’hadar, v’yees’aleh, v’yees’halal sh’mey d’kood’sha b’reech hoo L’eylah meen kol beer’chasa v’sheer’asa, toosh’b’chasa v’nechem’asa, da’ameeran b’al’ma, v’eemru: Amein. Y’hei shlama rabba meen sh’maya v’chaim aleynu v’al kol Yisrael, v’eemru: Amein. Oseh shalom beem’ro’mav, Hoo ya’aseh shalom, aleynu v’al kol Yisrael, v’eemru: Amein.

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‘I am at the divide. Both the harvest of what was, and the seed for what will be.’ - I Will Do My Best ‘We are conceived in love, nurtured with love, forever passing that dream forward. I was a dream’ - I Was A Dream ‘There comes a point in a life when you begin to realize that the future isn’t about you any longer.’ - What Happened To My Future? ‘Without you at the barricade, love anarchy would rule. But please, don’t be too vigilant.’ - Temptation ‘O’Love......we live for your delights, suffer your disappointments, dwell on your mysteries.’ - Love, The Giver ‘......the greatest remembered moments in a life will be just as ephemeral as the clouds in spectacular sunset.’ - Impermanence ‘Am I not who they were? They would not have forgotten me.’ - I Hear The Dead ‘The role of chance in a life......everything or nothing?.....this sperm uniting with that egg......that family or this family who takes you home from the hospital..... - Everything Or Nothing? ‘Time is always watching.....just beyond the edge of recognition.....witness to our lives.....sometimes judging......diminishing constantly.’ - Time Is Watching ‘How do we become so possessed by indifference.......how is it that our humanity is just a thin veneer?’ - 158 How Is It?