Marilyn Rodriguez
INTRODUCTION A few years ago, I found myself in what I can only really describe as the most difficult period of my life. So many things happened and it felt like absolutely everything was wrong. I felt completely rudderless and maybe even like I was going crazy - literally, not figuratively. It’s pretty troubling to lose trust in yourself and your own judgment...but that was exactly what I did. I made SO many mistakes and many just plain stupid choices. Because, well, I wasn’t thinking clearly - about consequences, about the future…about anything. All I knew was that I was struggling. I felt hopeless and alone. I felt like a disappointment to others and to myself, too. And being in that state made it incredibly hard to make any decisions, never mind good ones. One day when I felt particularly overwhelmed, I went into my bedroom and sat on the floor...in an attempt to get it together so I could finish the work I had piling up and return the phone calls I was ignoring, amongst other things. Then for some strange reason, I thought about a greeting card someone gave me many, many years ago. On the front, it had a cat on a bicycle, and said: “If you keep falling off your bike, get back on! And remember this one thing...” And the inside said: “You’ve got to pedal, stupid!“ After wondering why the hell my brain dusted the cobwebs off practical wisdom from a card I received in 1992...I realized that this was actually pretty simple but good advice. I had definitely fallen off the bike, but I was not pedaling. That wasn’t going to get me anywhere. If I wanted to get out of
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this rut...or get anywhere at all...I needed to get back on the bike and start pedaling. Common sense, right? Or was it? Because when you feel heavily burdened by life and it’s complications, “common sense” can become...well...not so common. When your emotions are ON – your brain, which thinks rationally and methodically – is OFF. PS: You cannot let emotions control your decisions...it’s just not a good idea. Trust me on this one. As time went on, I kept pedaling, even on days where it felt ALL uphill. It took a lot of effort, some therapy, and some raw, honest self talk. Then I came to a realization. The more I dug deep to find truths about myself that helped me make real, positive changes in my life...the more I realized that all of the things I was “discovering“ were THINGS I ALREADY KNEW. But...knowing something and putting it into practice are two very different things, aren’t they? I read once that the best books don’t teach you anything new - they just inspire you to see things that are already inside you. My aim with this little book to help you do just that. As the title implies, there’s no new earth shattering knowledge here. But there are a few reminders to show up for yourself and to grow your self awareness. And couldn’t we all use a little of that sometimes? Oh, and...don’t forget to keep pedaling.
AccePT the Truth for What It Is.
#1
“The truth, the whole truth...and nothing but the truth...” Nope, you didn’t just accidentally stumble upon a script for this week’s Law & Order episode. This oft-heard phrase just happens to perfectly summarize something important: the truth is always exactly what it is. It may be uncomfortable. It may be inconvenient, and it may be painful. But it is the truth nonetheless. The truth is hard to accept sometimes, let’s be honest. Our first instinct is often to NOT accept it. It’s much more pleasant to paint that truth a prettier color. There might be giant red flags pointing to the truth, but it’s much easier to ignore them, so we do. When other people point 4
the truth out to us, we make excuses and we try to convince them and ourselves that everything is fine. We may even get angry or upset at them for pointing out those truths that they clearly see, but we ourselves may not be ready to. Ignoring the truth in a situation because something or someone gives you temporary happiness is a great way to set yourself up for pain, struggle, and UNhappiness. You may be able to temporarily hide the truth. You can ignore it, you can run from it, you can kick it in the groin...but you cannot change it. It just IS, and prolonging your inevitable acceptance of it is a really expensive way to buy time. Before you know it you will have wasted a TON of it trying to fight something against which you can never win. People always say that it takes courage to tell the truth. And it does, but I think it takes even MORE courage to accept the truth. Acceptance is a process, and it can certainly be messy. Especially when the truth you need to accept is something about YOURSELF. That’s the biggest doozy of all. But when the truth starts whispering in your ear - LISTEN. And act accordingly. That will help you live out YOUR truth. And isn’t that what we all really want anyway?
The short term disappointment of accepting the truth is much better than the long term pain of believing an illusion.
confront your fears.
#2
What are you truly afraid of? Why? And better yet...what are you going to do about it? Let’s talk about one of the most common fears that people have - whether they want to admit it or not: Being alone. Listen...if you can’t spend time alone because you feel incomplete, nobody is EVER going to fill that void for you. Nothing outside of you can change the way you feel about yourself. Only you can do can ever truly do that. Do you have this fear? Stop waiting for someone else to take it away. FACE IT. And when you conquer it - and yes, you CAN - watch how you no longer chase dead ends, broken bonds and pointless relationships with anyone for any reason. Whatever you think other people offer you 6
that you “can’t live without” is just insecurity lying to you again. Do not EVER crave validation from others so badly that it leads you to accept things that aren’t good for you. Contrary to what movies tell you, you absolutely do NOT need someone else to complete you. You are already a 100% whole person on your own. Anyone by your side should only compliment that. If they don’t, then they should probably go stand someplace else. Another common fear: Failure. It is often assumed that when you resist a desire to achieve something, you do it because you are afraid to fail. Not true. Most of the time, the fear is of success. Yes, it does sound counterintuitive to be afraid of something that people spend their whole life chasing. But success can be an “unknown”, and those are scary. It can be demanding and require us to function at a higher level. What if we can’t handle it? What if we are imposters and aren’t as smart/capable as others think we are? When we leave no room for our “what if” questions to have a positive answer, we are effectively giving up. And...we end up settling for the mediocre. Do you have this fear? FACE IT. Then get out of your own way. Stop being afraid of success. Be excited by it instead. And watch how things begin to happen for you. So often we go through life afraid to confront the wounds we pretend we don’t have... and they haunt us. Hiding from these things will only hold you back. Own them. Look them in the eye and let them know that you are the one in charge here.
When you confront your fears, you take away their power - and you take back your own.
YOU CAN’T CHANGE OTHERS.
#3
Think about how hard it is for you to change a way of thinking, or a habit. It takes time, discipline, trial and error sometimes... and above everything else, you have to WANT to do it. So is it any wonder that it’s virtually impossible to make someone else change?? Change is messy. It takes a lot of work to recognize when you are doing something wrong, or not being your best self, or doing self-destructive things, or hurting someone else. Look…I used to think that people don’t change. And it’s true... some don’t. Because change involves recognizing when you are wrong. Some people will never do that - they will never
never admit when they are part of the problem, and they will never apologize either, and it’s a waste of time to think otherwise. But some people DO change. They learn from their mistakes, and most importantly, they don’t make them again. What these two scenarios have in common, even though they are opposites, is this: Desire. When someone in your life changes for the better, I can promise you that they absolutely did not do it for you, no matter what they say. They may use you as inspiration, or because they don’t want to lose your presence in their life. But at the root, they did it for themselves. That is the only way that REAL change ever happens and remains that way. And on the flip side of that, when someone will not change...there is no amount of begging, pleading or threatening that will make them. They may temporarily improve...treat you better...stop doing (insert destructive thing here), etc. But they will almost always revert back to their old routine unless they make a commitment to THEMSELVES to change, AND they stick with it. You will need to leave them to their own devices to do this. Otherwise you will end up drowning in a sea of frustration while they sit on the other side of you, drilling holes in your proverbial lifeboat. What you can change is how you deal with the person. You can give them an opportunity to change. Let them know you care. Then give them space. Either they will rise to the occasion or they won’t. But neither choice is yours to make.
You cannot change or control what anyone else does, but you are always in full control of what YOU do.
Learn from your losses.
#4
Listen...nobody likes to lose. I know I don’t! I have had some really painful losses - and while I DID learn lessons, I would have rather learned them in another way, believe me. But after a while I came to realize that most of these things happened FOR me, not TO me, and that changed my perspective on how I process them. Some of the most powerful revelations of your life will come from your effort to understand the losses that you suffer in your life. I have found few pieces of conventional wisdom to be more true than this statement, which you have definitely heard before: “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” And it’s true. You don’t. And with these losses, 10
sometimes you get bonuses! Sadness, regret and shame, to name a couple. But there’s also the opportunity to learn if you choose to look at in that light. Losing a loved one can make you realize just how short your time here on earth really is, and as such, you should really make time to call your mom, or listen to your grandpa tell you the same boring stories, or take whatever opportunity you have to make memories with your family...because one day, those memories will be all you have. Losing a relationship with a person who you know truly loved you but had some flaws can make you realize that everyone has flaws, including you. This gives you an opportunity to fix those issues and be better in the future. Losing a job that you complained about for flimsy reasons every single day may find you sitting at a new one that you truly hate, and makes you realize that sometimes the grass really isn’t greener after all. We learn the importance of not burning bridges and maintaining good relationships with people we work with, and this can help us make better career choices in the future. The point here is this: in life, some type of loss is inevitable, and there will be some that you cannot change. You can, however, use them as an opportunity for reflection and growth almost every time.
Some of life’s best lessons come from your worst mistakes and losses. Learn from them. That’s how you win.
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
#5
What are the real reasons you aren’t doing the things you want to do? What’s the real reason that you stay in situations in which you know you don’t belong? And which one of those are actual reasons and not just excuses? Excuses are just lies you tell yourself about why you can’t do things. Most of the time, you are fully aware of what you want, where you want to be and what you are capable of. But so often, instead of making progress, we make excuses...effectively shortchanging ourselves. Talk about being your own worst enemy. Look, being honest with yourself is one of the most difficult things you will ever do in your life. It requires some very deep digging and understanding of why you do the
the things you do...and what you can do to change them when they aren’t working for you. It also requires a lot of humility. So often people tend to play the victim even though they are actually the perpetrator. Here’s some real talk: Sometimes, it’s NOT everybody else that is the problem. Sometimes, it’s YOU. You’re the toxic one. You’re the one who is intolerant, a poor communicator, inconsiderate, unappreciative, or a terrible friend. But how are you supposed to ever fix these problems when you won’t even admit that they exist? Being honest with yourself is the key to being honest with others. No relationship you have with anyone can really survive without honesty. If you are hiding the truth from yourself...how are you going to share it with someone else? Hint: You can’t. Being honest with yourself is also absolutely necessary in order to know what you want. When you don’t know what you want... you tend to let other people decide for you. And then you end up settling for what’s there and available instead of what you actually desire. You only have one shot at this life - do you want to spend it settling? Or do you want to spend it happy and thriving? Start by being honest about what you really want. And then go get it. It’s not going to wait for you forever, you know.
It is just as important to be honest with yourself as it is to be honest with other people.
Meet people where they are.
#6
Some people are brought into your life simply to teach you lessons you needed to learn. Some are there to support you through a season. And some come along to show you exactly what you DO NOT WANT in your life. If I could write an entire book which had just one sentence in it, repeated over and over, it would be this: Do not compromise your peace to meet someone else in chaos. It is seldom if ever worth it. You have to let people solve their own chaos or you’ll be pulled into it too. Some people are just not good for you. Your gut usually figures this out way before you do. There is nothing wrong with giving the benefit of the doubt, or trying to see the good in people. But when all signs point to danger...and
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everyone around you is also yelling “Danger!“ well...there’s probably danger. And you should really pay attention to it. Few things hurt more than when you realize that someone who you have invested time and resources into because you have their best interests at heart does NOT have those same intentions for you. Someone else’s happiness should never have to come at your expense. Nobody who actually cares for you would even ask you to make such a sacrifice. Understand that this kind of BS is all you will ever get from some people. This is who and what they are. And they will continue to take and push your boundaries until you stand up and say ENOUGH - I am worth more than you offer me. You must be the one to do it...because they never will. You already know you can’t change people. You have to meet them where they are and accept who they are, too. From there you can decide where they fit in your life. But listen... you are never going to get them to care by offering them more of what they already don’t appreciate. You will make yourself absolutely crazy trying, so don’t bother. Look at your relationships the way you would a bank account. Sometimes you have deposits, and sometimes you have withdrawals, but the numbers must balance each other. When someone is only making withdrawals and not very many deposits...you are going to end up overdrawn. When this happens, it’s time to close that account.
Meet people where they are. And leave them there if you have to.
Appreciate the good people in your life.
#7
In your life, you will come across people who truly care about you. These people will not just tell you with their words - they will show you with their actions. They will stand by you, they will help you grow, they will be there for you...they will put your needs before their own. And they will do it with no agenda, no self interest and no ulterior motives. They will do it simply because they love you. Do not ever underestimate the value of someone who has your back in this way. Understand what an enormous gift they are, and more importantly, how rare. Do yourself a favor. Don’t take these people for granted. Do not take advantage of them. Make sure that they know how much you appreciate them. Treat them well. This is really important. Here’s the thing with people...you can’t 16
treat them poorly and then expect they are going to want to stay in your life. No matter how much they may care for you, they will eventually get tired. And believe me, one of the biggest regrets you will ever face is losing someone who loves you in an unselfish manner. If they really matter to you, you shouldn’t let it get to that point in the first place. When you lose a loved one, you become keenly aware of just how short life really is. Suddenly, the space they filled in your life is empty. I often hear people say things like “I wish I had told them how much they meant to me...or I had thanked them for caring about me.” My first question is always “Well, why didn’t you??” The answer almost always has to do with time. As if expressing feelings was on some kind of schedule. The acceptable time to tell people that you love and appreciate them is ANY TIME, my friends. ANY TIME. An act of appreciation can be super simple, but it is priceless to the person who is receiving it. It is definitely better than the alternative of laying awake at night remorsefully, wishing you had treated someone better. Because when the person is gone, or worse, dead...they will no longer be able to hear you. When someone makes a difference in your life, tell them. Call or text to check on people. Tell people you love them freely. Send them a card for no reason. Do whatever feels most comfortable to you...but just do SOMETHING. I promise you they will notice and it will mean more to them than you can imagine.
Learn to appreciate the good people in your life, before time makes you lament their absence.
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All photos and text contained in this ebook are copyrighted material Š 2020 Marilyn Rodriguez. All rights reserved.