Mike’sMusings

Mike is back with a tall tale and a punchline that will have you wincing! Enjoy!

Mike is always glad to hear from you at : mike.musings@outlook.com

A tale of how the consumption of alcohol can lead to foolhardy outcomes

A stranger walked into an Alfreton bar and saw a large Bells Whisky bottle on the counter. As it appeared to be stuffed full of £20 notes he was understandably intrigued and after ordering a drink asked the barman if it was a charity jar.

“No,” came the reply, “the money can be won by any customer if they pass three tests and providing they put £20 in the jar, they can take part. It’s open to anyone and you can have a go. I reckon that there must be over £12,000 in there now.”

“What are the tests?” asked the stranger.

“Well,” replied the barman, “you must first put your £20 in the jar. It’s non-returnable though. Those are the rules.”

The stranger thought about it for a while, and after another drink, stuffed a £20 note into the jar, before asking, “Well, what are the rules?”

“OK,” said the barman, “here’s what you do. You must pay for and drink a half bottle of whisky in less than a minute without pulling a face. Then, out the back there is a pit bull chained up. He’s suffering badly from an infected tooth and you have to remove it with your bare hands. Many have tried and failed in the past, but you look capable. Finally, my elderly maiden aunt, who has never ‘been with a man’ will be waiting expectantly upstairs and you can have the honour of ‘being the first.”

“Ach, a’hm no daeing that. A’hm no an eedjit,” replied the stranger. NB – did I say he came from Arbroath? “Ye’ve jist coast me twenty poonds.”

After a while, and a few more drinks, he changed his mind however, and handed over the money for the half bottle which he downed in 58 seconds flat. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he staggered out the back door to find the chainedup pit bull.

He’d gone for about ten minutes during which time, those left in the bar could hear loud growling and blood curling screaming. Some felt quite squeamish, especially when the noise gradually ceased and a deathly silence followed.

Just as they were thinking that yet another ‘punter’ had succumbed to the challenge, the stranger came staggering back into the bar. His clothes had been ripped to shreds, with blood seeping from the many cuts and gashes all over his body.

With eyes shining brightly however, he looked straight at the bar and triumphantly, albeit somewhat drunkenly, enquired of the barman, “Noo, whaur’s thon lassie wi’ the bad tooth?” x 225mm x 38mm Ideal

·

3.9m

£16

Prompt Delivery

Gardener’s Calendar

DRB Waste Recycling Call Dale on 07581 450572 Household, garden, general building and waste metal removal. Household clearance and removals. Cost effective alternative to skip hire.

We should be safe to put summer bedding plants out now and the key to getting a brilliant show is to add some slow release feed when you plant...

unless you’re planting into fresh compost which often has nutrients to encourage growth. Then remember to keep watering until established and in periods of hot dry weather –Water in the morning if possible. A good drench is better than small amounts frequently. Evening watering is next best although it can encourage slugs as the ground will be wet overnight. Preferably don’t water in the middle of the day, it can scorch blooms. Hanging baskets dry out fast and water retaining gel can help counter this.

It might seem odd to talk about pruning when so much is bursting into flower, but there are some shrubs which need it now if you’re going to get the best out of them next year. These include those which flower in spring such as philadelphus (mock orange) forsythia and flowering currant. In order to get a good blossom show year on year they need to be cut back as soon as they’ve finished flowering. Take out dead or damaged stems to ground level and prune up to a quarter of old stems to near the base. On stems which have flowered this year, cut back to a lower strong growth.

Top Tip:

If you have still got tulip foliage remaining in pots, and with this year’s cold start to the season that’s quite possible, it’s a good move to lift and plant them in a border. This not only frees up the pot for summer planting, but tulip bulbs which might show again next year have a better chance if fed with tomato feed and given a new home. Leave them in the pot and you’re more likely to get lots of leaves and small flowers.