Mike’sMusings

Mike is back with a tall tale and a punchline that will have you wincing! Enjoy!

Mike is always glad to hear from you at : mike.musings@outlook.com

If it’s amusing tales you want?

(After the Roger Rabbit tale from a few months ago, the feedback I got was………… can we have more please? Well, try these out!”)

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school.

The biggest hurdle they faced was the teacher insisting that they were now old enough to stop using babyish language.

She was constantly asking them to use ‘big people’ words, just like Mum & Dad. An example of this came on the Monday that she asked the class what they had been doing over the weekend.

“Kayleigh,” she asked, “What did you do?”

When the little girl replied that she’d been to see Nana & Pops, the teacher suggested that a more grown-up way would be to say ‘GRANDPARENTS’.

When Ryker then said that he’d gone to Matlock and had a ride on the choo-choo, he was mildly admonished and told that it would be much better for him to say that he’d been on a ‘STEAM TRAIN’.

The teacher than asked Carson what he’d been doing and was pleasantly surprised, but pleased, when he said he’d been reading a book.

“That’s wonderful,” the teacher responded smiling, “and what book have you been reading?”

Carson, not used to such praise, puffed out his chest and proudly replied, “Miss, it was Winnie the S**t.”

A woman I know recently accompanied her husband to the surgery. He’d been having a few health problems, and after his check-up, the GP called the wife into his office alone.

He asked her to sit down as she had some disturbing news to impart. “Your husband,” he began, “is suffering from an extremely rare and severe disease. This combined with a high level of understandable stress is such that if you don’t follow my advice, he is likely to die in the very near future.”

“Each morning, you must fix him a healthy breakfast and be especially pleasant as it’s vital that he stay in a good mood.”

“For lunch, I’d suggest that you make him a nutritious meal, and for tea, something special, that you know he’ll enjoy.”

“You mustn’t burden him with any chores as this could exacerbate his condition and it’s important that you never discuss your problems with him as the added stress that this will undoubtedly cause, may prove fatal.”

“Finally, and this is important, as part of a planned recovery therapeutic programme, you must allow him to actively pursue his conjugal rights, without developing a headache or the like, whenever he feels the need.”

“If you can do this for the next ten months or so, it is likely that your husband will make a full recovery.” At this, the doctor wished her good luck before opening the door to reunite with her husband waiting patiently outside.

On the way home, the husband broke the eerie silence by asking, “You were in there quite some time. What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” was the speedy response.

All Around the Shire

MEMORIES OF MY MOTHER’S DRESSING TABLE

Some of the recent items we have acquired for our reminiscence sessions are a box of Carmen heated rollers with pins and a vanity set for a dressing table (a long-handled mirror and brush set). This has started me thinking about what my own mum held dear.

Although she had no time to sit and preen at the dressing table, my mother always found a small space where she could lay out some special items. Her vanity set had been a gift to her on her 21st birthday, it included a hand-held mirror with a matching brush and comb.

She owned a wooden, shell-encrusted jewellery box containing her earrings: clip-ons or screw-back type were the fashion then. Her beads, necklaces and paste pearls were laid out on a tray, with the longer strings hooked onto the side of the mirror. The tray also held a variety of trinkumtranks like odd buttons, curtain hooks, pins, coins, dry-cleaning tickets, hairpins and hairnets.

A lidded glass pot contained scented talcum powder and a soft puff for dusting after a bath. She also always had a pot of

Pond’s vanishing cream at hand and was never seen without lipstick.

A bottle of Tweed perfume and Avon “Sweet Honesty” stood together with a small flask of 4711.

At the back of the table was a spray bottle of hair lacquer and, later, a set of Carmen heated rollers and a bonnet hairdryer.

Some items came and went as the years passed but the object she treasured most on her dressing table, was an aged photograph of her own mum and dad.

I do hope you have memories of a dressing table that belonged to someone special in your life.