MINE - The Bryan-College Station Body Positivity Initiative

Women are taught from almost birth that to be female is to belong to something or someone other than ourselves. That in order to occupy the space marked “girl” or “woman” we must be someone else’s ideal of perfection, or at least be noticeably working in order to do so.

‘MINE’ is a storytelling endeavor that aims to change the way women approach our relationship with our physical selves.

MINE

That which belongs to me. - Webster’s Dictionary

Something that no one can take away from me. It’s my ability to continuously (re) claim who I am. - Eleanor

Ownership. - Jen

Unique and not to be silenced, trifled with, or trampled. Standing ground and holding sacred space for all so they know they are safe. - Kathie

MINE means MINE. Ownership. This is MY body. This is MY soul. This is me, this is who I am; I am MINE. I am my own person. This body and everything from the cells to who I am as an individual is MINE. And quite honestly fuck who ever tries to tell me otherwise. - Kayla

Ownership which implies complete command over something. In the context of the project, I would say it means complete command and ownership of who I am- my body, my struggles, my decisions, my dreams, and my perspective. It is the full awareness of yourself and what you’ve been through and where you want to go and the full acceptance and love of all of those things, too. The more we own ourselves, are aware of ourselves, the more we can move forward with the wisdom that our minds and hearts need to live a life that is ours for the choosing. - Avani

Thankful I’m still writing my story. We’re all just here. Being human. - Nancy

What makes me unique - the experiences I have had that make me who I am today, the skills I have acquired, and the ways in which I different from every other human on the planet. All things that cannot be taken from me or shared unless I choose to share them with someone else. - Shaila

Unobtainable; nothing is mine and yet it’s something that I’m always striving to achieve. I want something that’s mine, but...not a thing. I own a lot of things. I want something more like an identity, a life, something I am able to say is “mine” without fear of losing it or not deserving it or being worth it. I wasn’t allowed to be my own person for so long and then lost what fragile sense of identity I had as it was stripped away piece by broken piece until

there was nothing left. I have spent years rebuilding into some semblance of something that could be mine, but I still don’t feel quite deserving of it yet. At least not all of it. Finding what is Mine is the one thing that drives me more than anything else because maybe then I’ll be someone worthy of being loved.Kassandra

Personal control; control and autonomy that I have over myself. MINE to me is the ME that no one else can take, control, or even touch without my consent. MINE is ME. - Adrienne

Oof. This one was a hard question...at first. My knee jerk, childlike response is when people try to share my food or my favorite snacks. Then I realized it may stem from food insecurity and a low SES childhood. Then I spiraled. So, I shall share my spirals with you. Mine to me is what I’ve built. My peace, my home, my career, my loves (friends, family and furchildren) and my growth (PTSD from USMC, not great childhood, etc). - Rachael

Owning your body and actions without apology. - Grace

MINE means something intrinsically tied to me. The older I get the better I am at claiming what is “MINE” and what is not mine, developing better skills to define boundaries for myself and others. I also am gradually getting better at owning what is MINE to take joy in, what parts of my body and personality I like because my gut tells me it’s good rather than looking for external validation. - Hannah

Whatever it is, it’s totally owned and claimed. - Liz

Ownership and something that something can’t me taken away. - Alicia

Love. It means healing. A wise woman once told me the least interesting thing about us, was our weight. That was one of the most impactful things, ever. That’s a hard truth. For so many women our weight is a part of our identity. Especially, if we’re fat. In being fat, I’ve learned to truly love my body. Absurd right? Especially when just a few months ago, I hated myself. Let me explain. My weight tells a journey of resilience. It tells a story of love, of strength, of depression, of grief, of getting up every day and allowing myself some grace. It reminds me that kindness is important, especially when we’re talking to and about ourself. My fatness is a direct result of comforting some real emotions with food. It is a direct result of crippling depression and anxiety. I’m in no way glamorizing obesity, just

merely humanizing it. Food for some of us is comforting. I’m a walking testament that life’s lessons and depression are real. I lost my ex wife of 10 years to suicide in January. I couldn’t talk about it in the interview because I would’ve sobbed, uncontrollably. Her and I had made separate lives for ourselves, but remained best friends truly because of our daughter. Time can be a true healer. I’ve found healthier options, learned to talk about my grief and trauma, I got as comfortable with crying as I was with food. I learned that love knows no boundary, not even in death. I began to unpack. To take the weight off not only my heart and mind, but my body. The same body that held it all together when my heart was broken, that stayed strong when my mind was not, that kept going. My body is an amazing thing. And, it deserves to heal. - Eva

Me learning to value myself enough to take ownership of my own life and happiness. - Cheryl

Having total control. It’s *mine* and no one else has a say in what happens to it. And if anyone tries to take it, it warrants a screaming fit. Well, maybe only sometimes. ;) - Savannah

Belonging to me - Brittany

The seagulls from Finding Nemo that say ‘mine!’ ;) - Carolyn

Something precious and limited. I have always shared things, so if something is “mine”, it’s truly special. When I say mine, my soul is attached to it. I’ve worked for it, I’ve protected it, and it’s something I treasure. - Stephanie

To possess, to own, stewardship, alliance. - Jane

The pieces of me that I had to fight to keep? The ones my abusers tried to squish or twist for their own means? I earned that shit. You can’t have them, nobody can; they’re MINE. - Jessica

Something that only I hold. Completely individual and unique. It’s an object, idea, or feeling that nobody can take unless I willingly share it. - Macie

Whole, human; more than the skin she’s in

Sweet. Supportive. Resilient. Preacher’s kid. Black woman. Safe space creator.

A woman who grew up with the church as her refuge. “Well, living in Victoria was hard for me.There were four black people in the whole school, and out of the four people, one of them was my sister. I remember when we have festivals and stuff, caucasian people would see me, my sister, my mom walking one way, and they would be coming towards us. They’d look down so they didn’t have to speak. So as a five year old, I would have to say that church was probably something I liked to do, because I really didn’t have a lot of friends at that point. Church was my safety. Because everybody in there looked like me.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to be something other than herself in the 7th grade. “I remember all of a sudden I got hips, and I was in seventh grade. Then I got stretch marks along with the hips. So then we go to church, and the old ladies would say “you’re getting hips. Where’s this coming from? You’re only in seventh grade”. And then… I was very athletic. I was in sports and stuff. It was important to be fit, be in shape. And I felt pressure from my parents, I will say pressure from my dad to stay in shape. “You’re gonna run track, you need to be lit tle”. So I guess that transcribed from seventh grade all the way up until my senior year of high school. I think it’s just been an ongoing thing, an evolving journey of what expectations are of what people think you should look like over time.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “I would tell her that you will get out of Victoria. And these people are crazy. And just because they don’t like brown people, there are people in the world that do. That’s probably what I would tell her.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? Finding her people. “It’s not a certain something that actually happened. It’s just being around certain people, and I guess it’s friends that I hang out with in Houston. The majority of them are Black women, and so I feel like when we’re together there is no… I don’t have to prove myself, you know what I mean? I can just be who I am, and there is no competition or anything like that. There’s just something that hap pened where I was like, “Oh, I really felt like myself”. I feel like I’m evolving into me, all the time.”

Things that she loves about herself? “I’ve always been a straight shooter. So even though sometimes not everybody can take that, I do love that about myself. I like the fact that I’m a kind person. I do like the fact that I’m kind of quirky.

A Black woman raised to be a Christian in small town Texas. “I keep my phone out before I walk into Target, just so nobody’s like “Oh, she’s digging in your purse. She may be stealing things”. I go the speed limit even though I don’t want to because I’m about to go through Waller, Texas. These are the things that go through my brain every single day. And some of that is the same stuff that I deal with when I go home to Victoria, because still, there’s people there that are still small minded, and don’t see how big this world is, how changed it is. …Black people don’t get a chance, so I think that we are open to give other people chances. Being a Christian… my pas tor preached about Roe versus Wade. And he said, “God gave us the ability of free will. So who am I to say what your free will looks like?” I think that that’s how Black Baptists were raised. “Is this is what God wants?” But we also have to be having an open heart to let others in. If I’m an individual, evangelical Christian, where I say “you better not”, then how am I going to be able to open the door for you to come in? So I think that that is just how we were raised. But I’m not just saying that Black people are like that, that’s just my story.

A woman who hopes we can celebrate and embrace our differences. “I feel like if we’re always seeking one thing, we’re never gonna see everybody’s body.”

Passionate. Caring. Thick. A rescuer of kittens. A shaper of communities.

A woman whose life has been fundamentally shaped by softball. “My poor parents were tor tured by having to sit out and 100 degree weather and watch me play all day. But that’s really what I wanted to do all the time. I started playing when I was eight. And I played up until col lege. And then after my freshman year, I realized that I had a torn rotator cuff and torn la brum that I had been playing with for two years. The surgeon told me that even with surgery, I couldn’t play anymore. And without surgery, I would lose function on my arm. So by 23, I had my second shoulder surgery, and that was kind of the end of my playing career. When I was first told that I couldn’t play anymore, I didn’t know who I was. Softball had been my life for the past two decades. What am I if I’m not an athlete? I couldn’t even watch softball anymore, it just made me angry. It wasn’t until a friend of mine that I played select with in high school reached out to me and said, “Hey, I’m starting up a select team, do you wanna help coach?” I thought about it, and I decided, yeah. And then it kind of just snowballed from there, and I re alized that I don’t have to be a competitive athlete to have the game in my life.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to be something other than herself at a very young age. “I matured very early in life, like; I got my first period when I was eight. So I had a woman’s body when I was still a child, and I was sexualized because of that. I heard rumors at school that said that I slept around, and that I did all these horrible things that should never be said about a 10 year old. And because I heard all of these rumors, I sexualized myself very young, and I started messing around and doing things that I shouldn’t have been doing. I thought that because all of these people were saying these things about me, because of how I looked; that they had to be true. So I started to act out on those things. In my mind I was like, ‘well, people are saying it, I might as well do it.’”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “I feel like younger me wouldn’t have listened. I’ve always been that person that I’m gonna make the mistakes for myself, I don’t jump just because someone tells me to.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? Now. Right now.

“I feel like I have that feeling pretty frequently. Now. I have really come into my own and ac cepted who I am. I mean, being a gay female, I didn’t always know that I was gay. And it took me a while to realize that I came out later in life. And since meeting my wife and being here, even though it is a conservative town, and we do face barriers, I feel like I’m contributing so much back to our community, to the LGBTQ community to the animal advocate community. I’m really just doing me. So I feel like I have that feeling quite frequently.”

Things that she loves about herself?

“Physically, I love my back. I love my ambition. I love my compassion, even though it gets me into trouble sometimes.”

A woman who is grateful for what her body has done for her.

“My body can do things, it is strong. It has helped that I have surrounded myself with people who empower me because of it. And now I’m just like, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

a confident woman

Kind. Loud. The funniest person on the dance team. She knows who she is.

A woman who loves nothing more than being in front of an audience. “I love doing stuff at TTC. I do stuff with an acapella group at school and I’m on a dance team. I like being on stage. I like playing a character, and being someone else, and having everybody look at me, which sounds very self centered. But, I like to perform and make people happy. Seeing the smiles… I like making people happy.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to be something other than herself in mid dle school. “There wasn’t a specific moment, it just sort of started happening. Probably around middle school. Going into locker rooms and seeing all the other girls like look ing at themselves in the mirror and saying things like “because I’m fat, I’m not pretty,” or “because my hips are big, I’m not pretty.” And then looking at myself and seeing some of the similarities. It sort of seemed like “hmm. Well, if these girls feel this way about themselves, shouldn’t I be feeling that way about myself too?” I’m sure everybody has felt that way. But I try... If I’m ever feeling insecure about something that I found on my body, I try to think of all the things that I appreciate about it.”

Her message for the little girl she so recently was? “I’d tell myself and all of the other girls in that locker room that are feeling bad about themselves… I’d help them realize that this is you and your body makes you do all of these incredible things that you love to do. So you should be appreciative of that.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? “The past year, sophomore year’s been LONG. I’ve been struggling with a lot of depression and mental stuff. And so get ting out of school, I did Newsies. I was Buttons. I finally got to dance again, and it made me happy. I was happy to dance. And it just felt happy with who I was. And I hadn’t felt that way, in a hot minute.”

Things that she loves about herself? “I love my voice. Like, my stomach and my dia phragm and my chest? Because it all helps me sing. I love to sing. I love my feet. Al though sometimes I do have crusty dancer feet, but that’s just how it is. But they help me dance, which I love. Oh my god, I like my smile. I think I have a nice smile.”

A young woman who if she had any superpower, would want to be able to teleport to anywhere. “I would like to be able to teleport, so I can just go anywhere that I want. I’ve always wanted to see all these really cool places. But that would also take away the fun of road trips, but like, if I could teleport my family over to like, Egypt to see the pyra mids, that would be great. I would love that because we love going on road trips. But you can’t really roadtrip to Egypt from here, so that’s a little tricky.”

A young woman who just wants to be seen for who she is. “I want people to see some one that’s confident in themselves and how they present themselves to the world. … and I want to be known as someone safe to be around. I’m gonna stick with that.”

Strong. Bold. A truthful woman; wanting to be discovered

Honest. Brave. A world traveler. A risk taker. A child immigrant. A proud mother.

A woman whose childhood perspective gave her a heart for social justice.

“Psychology isn’t the answer to all the stuff I was wrestling with from what I experienced as a Chinese kid in Texas, so I double majored in ethnic studies. And when you get into ethnic studies, you learn about the history of what’s happening, and how people are pitted against each other, so as I’m reflecting on the stuff that happened as a kid… whoa. The layers. For my senior thesis at Berkley I wrote about the tipping point of a community in race, and then I taught a couple of classes in my senior year on social justice from the Christian perspective. I wanted all these pieces to fit together.”

The pressure to be something other than herself began differently than it does for many.

“But there was never a need to be this way or that way, not explicitly. It’s just implicit pressure, right? Like, you just have to get straight A’s. And was that pressure you put on yourself. From your family, there was just disapproval if you didn’t get straight A’s. Before my mom died, everything was perfect. I was 10. But after that, I think there was a need to self parent. And so perhaps a lot of the pressure came from within.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? She looks to her own young daughter.

“I think I need to sit with her for a little bit. I just start crying. Oh, my girl. It’s a bit like reliving all your own trauma, and trying not to, but oh, my God. This is a totally different experience, every step of the way. It’s been healing as she grows. I’m healing.”

A time when she felt powerful?

“I moved to Philadelphia to do my own thing. Throughout my life since I became a Christian, there was always this sense that yes, God loves me; but there was never that God will protect me. Because the night before my mom died, I prayed that my mom would live and my mom died. Well, I won’t pray for what I want, because I’ll get the opposite. When I was in Venezuela, I had this moment where I said, “God, I’ve been trying to be a Christian, and I know you love me. But I need you to show me who you are. Here in a way I can understand because I’ve been on my own.” Then after Venezuela, there were certain things that happened, and maybe I became more open to receiving from other people, but there was just this serendipity. Grace driven. And when I moved to Philly, it was there. “God will take care of me.” And it was a sense of… I can just be me and that’s enough.”

Things that she loves about herself?

“I think I am starting to love my opinionated self. I am proud to be a parent to my kids. I’m proud of my facial expressions.”

A woman who used to hide, but no more.

“I don’t stick out, but at the same time, I don’t get the privileges of being white. Traveling as a white person, people are way nicer on the outside to white people than they are to Chinese people. Coming back to Texas has been healing in the sense where I’m seeing it all, and I’m calling it out. I’m not putting up with this anymore. I will not be made invisible again”

Mom, kind human; a survivor

Kind. Funny. Caring. A good mom. A loving wife. A graceful dancer.

A woman who LOVES dancing. “I’m a dancer. I’ve been a dancer, as long as I can remember. All the ballet, tap jazz, all of it. I currently do ballroom dancing. I love it. I do competitions. It’s a lot of fun, and it’s very different from ballet. I did ballet my whole life, so I have ballet habits. I’m having to unlearn all of that now because my feet just turn out naturally now.”

A woman who doesn’t remember a life without external pressure to be something other than herself. “As long as I can remember, it started with my mom. She was always worried about what other people thought. So that taught me to always think about what other people thought. It’s a habit I’ve tried to break. It’s a hard one. Her mother was the same way, it’s a generational thing. So when I had a daughter, I decided I was purposely not going to be that way. I tried very hard to not make my daughter feel that way. I was very skinny. I was teased a lot, especially because of my skinny legs. At one time, I had very small boobs. I was always teased, “more than a handful is a waste”, that’s not a compliment!”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “I am enough. I am not the boobs. I am not the skinny legs. I am not the wacky hair that sometimes cooperates. There’s a woman here. That is somebody that’s good. And that’s trying. I would tell myself to just hang in there. Because you know, it gets better.”

A woman who survived. “Really… the reason I’m here is that two years ago, I got hit with breast cancer. And that changed my body a lot. And at first, I thought I could be cool with this. And then when I look in the mirror… I’m not as cool with it as I thought it was gonna be. I’m learning to love my body again. I’ve had the double mastectomy. I got my diagnosis in January of 2020. The original plan was double mastectomy, because I had three different cancers in one breast. I thought if I need to get rid of them, I don’t need them. We can do reconstruction, gonna get some new ones that look even better. And so fast forward through the healing. The expanders got infected really badly. I just kept getting sicker and sicker and the surgeon finally said that we had to get them out. But by then I had started radiation. Once you’ve had radiation, they can’t put them back in because radiated skin won’t stretch. So there went that plan. When I’m at home, and I’m getting in the tub and I see myself in the mirror… that’s hard.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? “Motherhood. My early motherhood years right after Chandler was born. I think God put me on this earth to be a mom. This is what I’m good at. I felt like this is what I’m supposed to be doing. This is where God wants me.”

Things that she loves about herself? “I am a kind, caring person. I think I am a good dancer. I think I’m a great mother.”

Her message to other women going through breast cancer recovery? “We get to October and it’s all you know, the pink ribbon and awareness and it’s so commercialized and it’s so sexualized, you know, we get the whole save the ta tas, save second base and, and that’s not what we’re trying to save. We’re trying to save the woman or the man. Cancer is more than the body part. That’s something about the whole breast cancer campaign that I wish they would change because it’s so sexualized and cancer is not sexy, you know? The only person other than my doctors that has seen my scars is my husband. I still don’t want him to see them. I still instinctively cover up. And of course, he loves me and all of that; but I don’t want other women to feel that way. And so I thought if I did this, and showed that I’m learning to be comfortable with this, that other wom en can do it because it’s a hard thing.

Loving. Creative. Supportive. There when you need her. New mom.

A woman who had her superhero moment. “I’m a recovering workaholic, and I finally had to quit the love of my life. I was working for Fujifilm. I always wanted to be the background for helping people and at Fujifilm, you’re making therapies and vaccines, mostly focused back then on therapies. Like, if someone has an enzyme that they’re missing, you get to work with a company that’s trying to solve it. It feels like you become a superhero and solve their prob lem. I knew we had government contracts because I helped establish them, and knew that if we ever had a pandemic that we would have to get into action. So in 2019, we’d heard about China having their outbreak, and we were like, “we need to order all the PPE that we possibly can and get that in.” So we did that. I knew that work was about to go… SO hard. I went from happily working 44 hours a week to averaging 70. And that was BEFORE it really hit everybody. Febru ary 2, 2021 was my last day because I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

A woman who has never felt pressure to be anything other than herself. “I think I was in a unique and that I’ve never felt pressured to be anything than who I am, but I’ve never maybe known who I am? I’ve never been cast into a mold, but I’ve never had anyone confirm who I am.”

Who is she now? “I’m working on that. Me and my inner voice are like super tight. I couldn’t go to sleep and stay asleep because my brain would just go down a rabbit hole. But not having a stressful job has helped a lot, and having a baby.”

A moment when she felt powerful just being herself? “There’s this really cool place in Alpine Texas, a Girl Scout camp in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone service. And when you’re there, you are THERE. Like it’s like the sunset and… I guess it’s the place where I could be in the moment the most. That’s where I feel like my best self, and my true self. Singing goofy songs… People are not doing anything at all, just sitting and talking with a friend. You don’t have that materialistic pressure. Like, you’re not concerned about rent, or the next day. You just… are. It’s awesome.

Things that she loves about herself: “I’m a cheerleader. I love puzzles, and solving problems that help other people, but that also help in the future. Like, not just a one time fix. I love to say I love my hair. I sometimes hate my hair. But most of the time I love my hair because it can be so many different things.”

A woman who if she had any superpower in the world? “She’d want to be able to absorb infor mation. I would want to be able to read or gather information. Engulf it as quickly as possible to just be able to provide people like the summary. We have so many things that the media is reporting on, and you don’t know what side is being told. Everything has a truth to it, a full or partial truth. So if I could just gobble up all the information, and then be able to go, “here’s the answer,” but at the same time, also be able to say, “here’s the answer. But this is also why all these other things are happening,” to understand where another person was coming from, to not say that they were wrong.”

A woman who is learning that it’s ok to relax, to rest. “I am not an honor student anymore. Don’t have to get the highest marks. We don’t have that; there’s no competition, I’m not com peting with anybody. Sometimes it’s okay to just breathe and survive.”

lightness in a world that is heavy

Boss. Light. Everybody’s mom, even though she isn’t actually a mother.

A woman who nurtures.

A woman who loved singing and dancing from the beginning. “Sister Act was huge. I performed the entire soundtrack with a neighbor that lived behind me. She wasn’t allowed to sing lead on any of them. But just a whole lot of singing and dancing. I was really lucky.”

A woman who loves spending time in nature. “Our family liked camping a lot. I was always jealous of all the families that got to go to South Padre and all these fun vacations because we would go to Big Bend. Now that’s all I want to do. I went to visit my brother and sister in law over July 4th. We talked about how after my nephew was born, when he was about a year old, we took a big trip up to Big Ben with a bunch of friends and had the best time. So we were talking about now that his little brother is a little bit older too, It’s time to go back. I miss it.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to be something other than herself far too young. “I can remember as far back as elementary school, being othered as a little girl. There was a sep aration, you’re either in this group or you’re not. And I was absolutely not. I feel like just being pushed outside that group that made me want to be a part of it. My nickname in fifth grade was Adrian DOGson. So it was a very much like; “No, you are not part of this.” I think about that a lot. With any sort of self healing, when you reach out to your inner child, and you recognize those really damaging moments and say “It’s okay”, it’s okay.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “I would probably tell her, relax. Stop. Stop trying so hard. I think back… there was so much effort wasted on trying to be the perfect persona, and look a certain way, and blend in a certain way, or be a certain way so that the boys would look at you. There’s so much energy and mind power wasted when you could have been having a great time. I think at that, you know, various times, I was so desperate to fit in that no one could have told me anything. How unnecessary all of it is, trying to blend in, trying to just be a part of it. It’s just so unnecessary.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? “Being someone else. Honestly, acting does that for me. Stepping into someone else, my insecurities don’t exist. We just played a show where I played a 12 year old; it’s adults playing children in a spelling bee. But that 12 year old didn’t have the same insecurities that I did, so you kind of had to release it all. And I think of ‘Who’s Holiday’? Where I am NOT 12. It’s about Cindy Lou, who is in her 40’s. And she… she is just an open wound. I think the first few years, I was really uncomfortable. And the skimpy costume… I wanted to be in better shape so I could get through. But once it started it doesn’t matter what I look like because Cindy Lou didn’t give a shit what’s hanging out or like what it looks like. Those moments, I’m embracing everything that I am because it’s not me. It is what it is, and it’s not me.”

Things she loves about herself? “I like my boobs. I feel like I have really strong legs. I love that. I don’t feel my age. I love that. I’m turning 40 this year, I’m excited.”

A woman who never stops shining for those around her. “I have made a really active effort in the past few years of my life to be the lighter person. I want people to feel that they can come to me with heavy and I can offer light. I hope that that’s how people would see me.”

Eccentric. Funny. Smart. Servant heart. Mom. Abuse survivor.

A woman who knows the terror of coming too close to losing a child. “We almost lost him. He was in a great daycare. But that week that he was there… this was the week that all the kids end ed up in Driscoll Hospital in Corpus, being flown there because of RSV. All the kids in the nurs ery that he was in ended up very sick. He ended up with RSV and pneumonia. The doctor took a couple of looks at Jonathan and did his oxygen and all that and he says “I’m sending you to the Children’s Hospital.” And then we got into the hospital, and sat there with him, which they really didn’t have any nurses and staff. So we were there in a room, and here’s my baby, laying there in a diaper, all these tubes. If that’s not terrifying enough as it is, we watched him code. And we almost lost him.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to be something other than herself far too young. “We moved to Texas when I was about five. I was in first grade. Being the oldest grandchild, and being a girl, and that good old boys club… of course, you don’t realize that until way later on in life, just how much I was paraded into the room. I’d be dressed all cute, and they would all fawn over me. I had to go to all the things with grandpa, and I didn’t realize that I was the distraction, I was just the cute grandchild that got taken along. Because all the old men could look, but not touch it. You know what I mean? And you don’t realize that till way later in life, just. What the hell? That’s your first time being a trophy, you don’t even realize it.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “Don’t sweat the small stuff. I would literally get up at five in the morning to put makeup on and get my hair done before I would go to school. Because I was made to feel like that’s the image I needed to portray. Eventually you realize how unimportant that is in the scheme of things. I would tell myself to sleep. Sleep, these things are not important. “I probably wouldn’t listen, though.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? Advocating for her own motherhood. “I have a lot of moments like that, but I’m 54. But the first one was probably the day Jonathan end ed up in the hospital. I had to go back to work. I had to put him into daycare to go to work. I was working for Lowe’s. We were at the doctor, he had just told us he was sending us to the hospital, and I asked the nurse to bring in my mom. Mom came in, took one look at me over the top of Jonathan’s head and she said, “Kathy, I don’t care where you find it. But right now, you’ve got to pull your shit together. Because that baby knows that you’re scared and that you’re upset. I don’t care where you find it; but you find it.” The next day, work called me and told me that if I didn’t come back, I didn’t have a job. I told them “you can take that job, shovel where the sun doesn’t shine, my baby almost died last night. And if you can’t figure that out where I need to be, then you’re the one with the problem.” Nobody should have to watch their baby do that. And then be told 24 hours later, if you don’t come back, you don’t have a job. That just became a kind of tip ping point. Once you have that first moment, you start really seeing through some of the veil.”

Things she loves about herself? “My ability to pivot. My ability to be a dumb blonde when I need to be. My ability to help my kids know what they need when they need to know it.”

Her message for fellow abuse survivors? “I am a staunch advocate of anybody who has been in a situation like mine. I try to tell them “You’re strong. You’re courageous, you’re brave, you can get past this.” I like helping people who’ve been in situations like that, because once you’ve been in it, you understand where somebody’s coming from. You may not understand exactly what they were, what they’ve been through. But you understand enough to where you can empathize. And you can really help them kind of get to a point where they can heal. Because it takes time.”

Tenacious. Funny. Anti-social. Friendly. Actor. Dog & cat mom. Chameleon.

A woman who learned to take pictures of herself as a way of learning to love herself. “I actually started doing self photography as a way to learn to love myself. You have to see yourself, even in the outtakes. You know that you have to take a lot of shots to get that one good one.”

A woman who began feeling the pressure to be something other than herself at a very young age. “I’m very tall. So I shot up really early. And I was in elementary school when I was basically the size of an eighth grader in maybe third or fourth grade. Everyone started treating me dif ferently because I looked like I was older, and there were different expectations placed on me around how I should act, how I should behave; because I didn’t look like a kid anymore, even though I still was a kid. My experience was also kind of weird, because in the middle of kinder garten we moved to Europe. For about a year, I lived in Amsterdam. I was picked on because I was an American, they bullied me because I never quite fit in. There were these little chestnuts with spikes on them, they’d hurl those at me. I came back very different from that experience.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “It’s okay to not look like everybody else. Be cause if we all look like each other, then there wouldn’t be beauty. Because there is beauty in imperfections. There is beauty in not being like everyone else. I’m always going to be that weird little kid who’s too tall or too much or too something for someone. But it doesn’t mat ter as long as you’re enough for yourself. So I’d probably tell myself to stop expecting to be something that I’m not and just be me. I am lovely.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? Getting in front of her own camera. “I learned that a lot. It’s about lighting, it’s about angles, it’s about depth of field. If the photo graph is too flat, then you’re obviously going to be flat. And I remember the first time I took a picture I actually liked of myself. I was like… okay, so other people see that? Oh, that’s not like, hideous? Okay, now me, I saw a picture that I took. You’re welcome.”

Things that she loves about herself? “I actually like how tall I am now. I can see over cars, over fridges. It’s pretty nice. I like the way my face looks. Because my face is very unique. I’ve been told it’s a strong face. I like the way that it’s structured, because I can see my family. I see my history and my ancestry in it. I like my sense of humor. I went through a lot growing up, and I like to tell people that the funniest people, you know, are some of the most traumatized. Hu mor is my coping mechanism. When I’m uncomfortable, I crack jokes. It makes me feel better to make other people laugh, but it’s all about your audience and since my audience is always me, I make myself chuckle.”

A woman who has come to learn that the external criticism is rarely about her. “Because a lot of the time growing up, people would displace. Say their boyfriend would give me attention. They would attack me instead of him, and I was just sitting here eating, like I don’t know what your problem with me is when he’s the one making me uncomfortable. People would always do that thing where they would displace, they would be uncomfortable or they would be feeling ugly, or they would be feeling like they’re not something they want to be, and then they would take it out on me. THEN they would act like it was my fault, and I would be made to feel bad about myself because they had their own problems. I didn’t understand at the time, but I guess I want people to see me as I am not as what they want me to be.”

A bright, shining soul; shimmering through her eyes.

Funny. Helpful. Loving. A mom. A wife. A business therapist. A woman.

A woman who made her husband go and buy her flowers before her photoshoot. “I want you to pick out one that you feel like if Brittany was a bouquet, this is what she would be.” …don’t worry, he nailed it.

A woman who takes charge. A woman who isn’t afraid to start over whenever she feels it’s time. A woman who as a child loved listening to music and playing outside. Now? “if I'm not in Texas in the summer, yes. We'll pretend that it's ideal weather that was in Michigan.” She loves Michigan. She has loved ones there, and takes her family to visit whenever the lifiness of it all allows her to do so. She doesn’t fully understand why she chooses to live here in Texas. “It's hot like being inside of an air dryer, why do I live where the air hurts my face?”

The pressure to change for someone else’s comfort hit her when she was in 7th grade. “Be fore that, I was this chubby kid. A tomboy. I've always been sensitive to sensory things about my clothes. Like, I wore my socks inside out when I was a kid because I couldn't stand the toe line on my toes. I just wore clothes that were comfortable to me. But I was labeled a tomboy, in shorts and a T shirt. I usually had on a ball cap because it helped keep my hair out of my face. Again, it's functional, right? And I didn't care. I didn't give a shit about the way that I looked, which really bothered my mom. I lost a lot of weight between sixth grade and seventh grade because I shot up you know, like typical chubby middle schooler and then they hit growth spurt; puberty. The fat fell off of me and I looked almost anorexic. Just real, real, real, real skinny. You could see all the bones and everything. And then it was like, oh, okay, well, I guess this shit matters? Like I should put thought into what I wear and makeup and how I do my hair. And people are looking at me and I want this boy's attention. So I have to look like this if I want it because you won't like me if I look like that, you know? Bullshit.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “I wish that I had gotten the message that it was absolutely okay to love yourself the way that you are WAY before I heard it, because it took a long time for me to believe it. So if I had gotten it a lot earlier, I think maybe I wouldn't have spent so long hating my body. I’d been given diet pills and SlimFast from junior high. My mother has an eating disorder, and body dysmorphia from her mom. I just really, really would love to tell myself that It doesn't have to be that way. Like you can just love you that way that you are; there's nothing wrong with you.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? The birth of her son. “I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Always. Always. When I was pregnant with my son, life wasn't great. But I was so happy. I felt gorgeous. I held him the first time I was like… This is my purpose. I found it.”

On her career as a business therapist: “I feel like I can just be me. Because my biggest thing is; my weight is the least interesting thing about me! But when you meet somebody new, that's what they see first, so I feel like it's a part of my identity that I have to get you to overcome, like, I want you to fully see me for me.”

“Whenever I'm consulting with somebody, they've entrusted me with the information they're sharing, and their problems, and their struggles; and their tears. If I'm able to help them be cause of my life experience, just being able to look at it from the outside, and diagnose your problem for you? It's really, really cool. In those moments, that's 100%. me. I could pull my soul out and be like, look! That's it.”

Things that she loves about herself: “My ass is pretty dope. I’m funny. And I’m kind.”

A woman who was wounded on a soul-deep level. “Being lied to by my caregivers was a big theme during my childhood.”

But because of that wound, she prizes honesty above all else; and she gives that gift to those around het.

Her truth, shining bright out of her beautiful soul.

Bold. Entertaining. Strong. Mom to Boudreaux Southern Belle. Marine Veteran.

A woman who tends to stories.

A woman who has survived traumatic head wounds. “I am a 10 year veteran with the Marine Corps, the United States Army National Guard. And I’ve been hit in the head several times. And I came back with pretty severe PTSD after my post 911 deployment. So thank God for therapy and time.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to be something other than herself at a young age. “I grew up in a house full of boys. And I just think it was probably the first argument I had with my father being that he was Mr. Mom trying to raise a girl but with all boys, he and I got into it, probably around seven or eight years old. A knock down, drag out over a dress for church. It was this white dress, and we were arguing about having to wear it. I was like, “Well, fine. I’m wearing my tennis shoes.” And they were the ugliest ratty ass tennis shoes, because we weren’t necessarily affluent. I think that and I think it had more to do with the church than with my dad. The rest of time I was like, Scout run around in overalls. My dad was pretty much like Atticus, just let me do what I was gonna do.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “You are loved. One of the things that my ther apist always says is, “you know what? You turn around, look at little Rachel and give her a big hug and tell her that everything’s gonna be okay. And that she is loved.” Despite the hurt in the world, there’s nothing you can’t do. When you go through either a cycle or abuse, or you’re raised in abuse by one abusive parent (my father’s fantastic, but he was in the Navy so he wasn’t able to be home all the time and so it was left to my mom), if you go through this pro longed sense of abuse, or just a short term of abuse you learn things that you shouldn’t have to. You learn that you’re not loved, and you learn that you’re not strong, and that a complete antithesis of what you actually are. That’s what somebody else told you, so now you believe it. All that’s not not true, and I would just tell her, she’s amazing and awesome. I love her so much.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? Owning her sexuality. “The first time I bought a matching Victoria’s Secret set, like the matching bra and panties. Now granted, I made the mistake of trying to fry bacon and be sexy for the stupid boy. But I remember that’s the first time I felt fully like… oh. Oh, dadgum. Yes.”

Things that she loves about herself? “My boobs. My ass. I’m gonna be superficial and say my face.”

A woman who is grateful to her strong bones for what they’ve done for her. “I used to hate my knees. I was a 119 pound marine asking a doctor, genuinely concerned. “Is there something I can do about my knees?” He goes, “No, you’re big boned.” I was like, “you don’t have to say that my Aunt Martha and my mother said that.” And said, “No, literally. Your bones are large.” When my brother got married, I said something about the thickness of my knees or my ankles. I was saying something about being big boned, and my sister in law’s like, “at least you didn’t break your ankle three times.” You don’t survive in a physically abusive mother… there were times I should have gone to the doctor but you just didn’t know. But I didn’t have official X-ray proof of breaking a bone. My big bones definitely saved me.”

A woman who has seen some of the worst of humanity, but who still believes that love will heal us all. “You know, you can accomplish so much with just letting someone know that they’re loved. It’s that simple.”

A whole person; wrapped in joy

Musician. Artist. Friend. Non-binary. A seeker of answers.

A person who knows who they are. “I’m the youngest of six kids. And so I had like five other people to look up at, and around age 14 I realized that I should be feeling things, but something is different. I looked into it and researched, and I found the term ‘asexual’ and I was like… Ok, yeah, that works for me, cool. I’m just not. The answer is no. There’s a Bible verse that phrases it oddly, but it essentially says that God created some people to get married, some people to not get married, some people to have children, some people to not. And that’s the way that it is. I moved on, it was very just like nonchalant.”

A person who doesn’t remember a life without the pressure to be something other than who they are. “From the beginning. I was raised Southern Baptist, and it didn’t necessarily come from my parents. Because looking back, my parents did not care what I did. My mom would, of course, force me to wear the dresses that were very cute with matching bows. I hated that, but no. It mostly came from other people in the church, and from my peers. My best friend growing up, was always much more family oriented. She was like, “I’m going to get married, and I’m going to have kids. That is what is going to happen in my life, and you should want that too.” I just thought… I want to have a job. Maybe a spouse will happen along the way, but that’s not my problem. God will handle that. If he wants that, he’s gonna have to put one directly in front of me and drop that in my lap. Everyone else was like, “you should want this.” Okay, but I don’t.”

Their message for the little one they used to be? “I would just let her know that like you. You make it and you find people who love you. I did not feel loved when I was a kid. It didn’t come from my parents, it came from my friends. Just going back and telling her that you find friends who love you, you find your family… that would be probably the biggest comfort to that tiny little tiny Liz. Just like letting her know… you make it. You make it.”

A moment when they felt powerful, just being themself? Healing their inner child. “I’m talking to my younger self, and she’s fine. She made it. We got there. It’s the point where I found the peo ple who love me. I found my friends. I found my family. And I had this wonderful, gentle, delight ful woman come into my life, and she taught me how to be kinder to myself and to other people. Because I grew up thinking I have to fight the world. I have to fight tooth and nail for everything that I want. She taught me that I don’t have to be that way. I can chill out, calm down, take a breath, and be gentle with myself and others. She helped me deconstruct my faith and my spir ituality. There is this moment where I had finally come out to all my friends as non binary, and she and her husband were leaving our apartment. And he was raised in a severely Southern Bap tist, right wing household. I did not think that he would use my correct pronouns. He’s leaving the house with her to go do their own thing, and I’m standing there; and he used my pronouns. It was a moment of… I’m here. I made it, I got out. I’m safe. And I am loved.”

Things that they love about themself? “I really do love my creativity. I am very proud of my ability to be gentle and sympathetic. My family was not gentle. My family was not sympathetic. That was something that I had to fight for, I had to learn and earn. I like my face. I think I have good facial features.”

On being non-binary: “Every non-binary person expresses themselves differently, but there is kind of like a set of rules. There’s a certain way that you can kind of tell based on like, haircuts, or the way they carry themselves. It is very much in between a masculine or feminine kind of posture, it looks different and it feels very middle. The number of non binary people that I have seen just be like… “I want to look like a frog!” And I’m like, that’s cool. I’m going to hang out here with my lizards.

Many pieces of self; one powerful human.

Daring. Supportive. Compassionate. An educator. An American born Chinese woman.

A woman who loves to run. A woman who cares deeply for the experience that children have in school. “I loved teaching, I love teaching so much for all the difficulties that came with it, and all the stress, and all of the tears, and all of the wine. I just loved it. I loved it, because I felt like for one year, I could support so many kids, all different ages.”

A woman who as a child loved music. “I’ve always really loved music. And I think I’ve always really loved singing, but nothing has ever come of that. I get a lot of joy, being with my friends and singing together or karaoke being together, or going and seeing music together. So I think a lot of my joy has been around music, but it’s been nothing that I’ve ever pursued. It’s just like this thing that brings me lots of happiness.”

A woman who grew up juggling multiple identities. “I have a very complicated relationship with my body. I think part of it is the tension between pride and shame. I think there’s this intersec tion of being, for me, a first generation Chinese American, and growing up in Reno. In that com munity, they think they’re very progressive and left leaning, and that just hasn’t been the expe rience. And then the feelings of Asian women being sensationalized, sexualized and put into this stereotype of being submissive and meek. It’s an identity that I’m struggling with because I’ve been socialized in that environment to accept it.”

For her, the pressure to be something other than herself began pretty much at birth. “My whole life. My parents are probably pretty typical in that they value things like academics above all else. In my culture, parents, of their generation and of their immigrant status tend to be very cold, al most unaffectionate, and maybe a little bit of… it’s conditional love. In my view, it’s pretty abu sive. That struggle to always seek their approval has been something that me and my siblings, and probably lots of other American Born Chinese really struggle with. From the very beginning, whoever you were born to be, whoever you wanted to be, whoever you feel comfortable being was never was never fully embraced by your own family. Your family already had ideas for who they wanted you to be. And you didn’t want to disappoint them, because they have sacrificed so much, because they have their own trauma that they brought into this family. And so, if you wanted to do something for you, you were selfish. You didn’t appreciate what they had to sac rifice for you to have the life that you have. I think like, my entire life has always been trying to find my own path and breaking away from a mold that someone else had created for me.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “I lean towards saying “you gotta chill out a lit tle bit.” But then I also think… all these experiences that I had, especially in the formative years, are so instrumental to the person that I am today. All of the really bad experiences, all the really good experiences, all the regrets all the like, all the really tumultuous stuff; were the things that impacted me the most. But I also think… I probably wouldn’t have listened.

A moment when she felt powerful just being herself? “In the classroom. I try to hold space and compassion for people, and when I feel that way, I feel good about myself. And so the times when I felt the most happy have been in teaching. I taught middle school for a year. And then I taught 9th through 12th for three years. And then I stopped because of COVID Those are good, impactful years. And I’m just so proud of them. It makes me feel good to have served them for a period of their life, to let me be a part of their life for that that year, and to listen to their stories, and to make me feel like they felt like I cared for them, which is something that I always wanted; to make an impact for kids who don’t feel that.”

Things that she loves about herself: I love my moral compass. I love running and that my body allows me to do that. I love my gray hairs that are coming in.

A woman who wants to be seen for all of the pieces of herself. “I’m a human. I’m a woman. I’m heterosexual. I’m a first generation Chinese American. I’m a mother. You know, we put all these labels on us, right? We’re in a time of “here’s my identity. Here’s my other identity.” We put la bels to these terms, I think we try to mesh it together. But I always just think that for however many identities one person may have, you are always more than the sum of those identities. You are this complicated person with so much experience that has passed, and you have many more ahead of you.” A woman who will hold space through the differences. A woman who works to find common ground for us to stand on.

Funny. Talented. Super hot. A photographer. A friend. A wife. A mother.

A woman who has embraced her freckles. “They’re like free tattoos. Nature tattoos.”

A woman who is very brave, and went under the knife. “I recently had my boobs fixed. I was always very large chested, and it was something that sometimes kids would pick on me about, or it was something very public. Even my mom would talk about it publicly. I was always so self conscious about it. And then after I had two kids, they got so much bigger. I also have severe back issues, there are scars on my back from surgeries. So I decided that… I can’t. This is awful. And so I guess it was about a little over a year ago, I finally had a breast reduction.”

A woman who has never known life without the pressure to be something other than herself. “I don’t think I’ve ever NOT known a time where I was pushed to be or do something. The expectations of me and who I was down to the clothes I wore and those I wasn’t allowed to wear. With religious affiliations and such, it that was all very “this is what we expect you to do.” I don’t really remember a time whenever that wasn’t a thing.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “ I might say that it’s okay to stand up for yourself. Because, in some instances that I reflect on now, either I was just too dumbfounded, or I would get angry or hurt; but it wouldn’t say anything. I just feel like maybe it would be a little bit easier if I could stand up for myself.”

A woman who if she could have any superpower in the world? She’d just want to rest. Any time. Anywhere. “I would really like the ability to sleep anywhere. Because I don’t. I can’t. If the stars are not aligned right, I can’t. The slightest noise will wake me up. I have to have a sound machine. I have to have every little thing.”

Things that she loves about herself? “I love my hair. I like its color. And that comes from someone that constantly dyed it for like 10 years. I like my weird freckles. I like my scars, which is kind of a big thing for me because I have been super self conscious. I’ve had a lot of them since I was 14, and I would go through a lot just trying to hide them. I have scars from the top of my neck all the way down my back. I didn’t want anyone to think I was broken, because a lot of people will treat you differently. Like “oh my gosh! You have all these prob lems! Handle with care!” Or like they would ask “oh my gosh! Look at your back! What hap pened?” NOW, I’m super okay with that. I like them.”

A woman who has been torn down, time and time again.

A woman who won’t let that determine her opinion of herself.

“I want people to see someone who is comfortable. Someone who is confident.”

A woman who is just that. Comfortable. Confident.

Strong. Capable. Fun.

Graceful. Intelligent. Mother. Wife. A woman.

A woman who dances.

A woman with a PhD (that’s Dr. Sacco-Rutkowski to you).

A woman who used to be a little girl who wanted to be a model. “I love getting my picture taken, and dressing up for Halloween, dressing up at work. And I thought this would be a fun reason to do the dress up. I’ve also been trying to slowly get back into shape after having kids and while everyone says ‘you look fine’, yes. I look fine. I know that in my heart. I know that. But I don’t feel strong.”

A woman who as a child, wanted to be both ballerina and astronaut. “It was really funny. When Coco said that at about the same age. ‘I want to be an astronaut.’ I had not ever said anything to her about wanting to be an astronaut when I was a little kid, but that’s what she said. That’s cool.

She loves dancing. She danced as a child, but stopped in her teens. “You take these leveled class es, and every summer, you would place like level one, level two, level three. And during one of mine, the judge was some cranky old lady. She made a comment. I’m sure her intent was not to bring this into my memory for the next 30 years of my life, but she said ‘I bet you have a hard time controlling your limbs because they’re so long.’ As an 11 year old you think that’s just what they are, I can’t make them shrink.”

The pressure to change into something she isn’t began with her mother. “I remember getting ready to go out or going into school. They had these cute baseball jerseys that were really in during the 90s. I remember wearing this baseball jersey with a hat that kind of matched. I didn’t put any makeup on that day and she was like ‘you didn’t do your hair or makeup,’ It was a lot of pressure from her always to look your best because you never know who you’re gonna run into. And I didn’t care, but she really pushed it. So then I was like, I guess maybe I should care? It’s always been a struggle of, should I get dolled up or not get dolled up? Or what level of dolled up and even at work now, I can’t get too dolled up, because that’s what the sales reps do. So I can’t get too fancy or have really expensive things on. I’m a science person, so I shouldn’t be too fan cy.

Her message to the little girl she used to be: “It really isn’t a big deal. Logically I know it’s not a big deal. Deep down it still is a big deal. …also as a kid I remember thinking, I really wish I had boobs. Now that I have boobs after having breastfed two kids, they’re a little bigger than I really like. I’d tell her to enjoy not having heavy boobs.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? Fulfilling a childhood dream. “I think the first thing that popped in my head was maybe like performing in Nutcracker. Because then I can be the dancer I always wanted to be.”

Three things she loves about herself: “I like that I’m smart. That I’m a dancer. And I’m a good mom.”

A brilliant woman who studied in Europe. A scientist who knows the human brain better than most of us knows our own neighborhood. A shy woman, who takes her time letting people see the real human behind the brain. “I can come off as a bit quiet and cold and reserved. And I wish I could figure out how to come out of that show with people sooner. Once I figure out where I fit in, then I start interacting the way I feel comfortable. Having this job has forced me to be more outgoing.”

A woman who is an introvert continuously learning to thrive in a world of extroverts. “I’m a big introvert. I need time alone to recharge my batteries so that I don’t become ‘mean mommy’ and start snapping. Trying to convince someone who doesn’t understand that because they’re an extrovert, and they get all their energy from other people… I live in a house of extroverts. And especially when you’re little kids are just constantly touched out all the time.”

A woman who loves them for who they are, and teaches them everyday how to love her for who she is; strong, capable; fun.

Hard working. Trust worthy. Kind. Coffee angel. Wife. Devoted daughter whose name matches her mother’s.

A woman who if she had any superpower, would want to provide relief. “I’d want to be able to relieve anxiety from the people around me and myself. We spend an enormous amount of time worrying about things that just DO NOT matter, And it really hurts our human ex perience. I Won’t dive into therapy, I think we’ve all spent an enormous amount of time working on that. But yeah. If I could have anything, it would be to relieve anxiety.”

A woman who has never known life without the pressure to be something other than her self. “I would say since birth. I think that that’s very true for a lot of women, though. I think most of the time it was, you know, be very well behaved. Be conversational. Obviously, there’s societal pressure. I just sort of always knew that. Like, there was a way that I was supposed to look. And there was a shape that my body was supposed to be. And there was really no room for anything else.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “This weird thing that has started to creep into my consciousness, just very, very recently. I’m going to get old. That may not be a revolutionary thought for anyone else, but it was for me and I was just like… oh shit. This is gonna happen. I should probably take care of myself.”

A time she felt powerful just being herself? “I feel like that around my husband quite a bit. And he’s just a wonderful and very encouraging person. I feel like that in our home for sure. And in teaching the happiness courses that I’ve been working on lately, that’s defi nitely more me than I felt in a very long time.”

Things that she loves about herself? “I rarely meet a stranger. I can work a room. Crowded situations do not intimidate me. I think I’m pretty smart.

On recovering as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse: “I should not be sitting here on this couch. It’s just, you know, the statistics in the decks were firmly stacked against me. But; here I am. Everyone in school, even though they protected my identity; it didn’t work. It didn’t matter. It was well publicized. Maybe that’s why I have an interest in PR. I’ll say again; I’m lucky. I had this incredible social worker who… they take you in, and they do the exams and all of those things; it’s a very intrusive environment. And she just looked me dead in the face and said, “you get to make a choice right now. You can make this the rest of your life or you can live the rest of your life and make this a part of it.” For whatev er reason, that stuck with me and it was a big deal. That’s why I’m passionate about these types of things. I’m super proud of my mom and me, because recovering from that, in our relationship has not been easy. There’s so many families that would have just been torn to shreds that she and I have a great relationship. I’m so, SO proud of both of us. I think that that’s one of things I’m the most proud of.”

A woman who survived. A woman who shines like a beacon, guiding other survivors to wards healing.

Beautiful. Powerful. Momma. Daughter. Granddaughter.

Friend.

A woman who loves her Grandma. “I go to see her probably once or twice a month. We liter ally do nothing. We just stay in jammies, and we sit on the back porch and… I just love that. It’s my favorite thing. It’s my idea of a good time. I can show up and just be there, just be myself. That’s what we do at Grandma’s house. Talk to each other instead of entertaining each other. I love that.”

A woman who takes her role of ‘momma’ very seriously. “I don’t think I truly became myself until I had a kid. And I feel like once you have a kid, they love you no matter what. So you can be goofy and silly; you can truly be your authentic self. I love being a mom. I think I’m good at it.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to be something other than her contented self in high school. “Probably all in high school. I was one of those in school who was constantly wondering what group was I in? What was I good at?”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “How you see yourself is not how other people see you. I guess when we’re our own worst critics… remember when you were younger, and you were constantly judging yourself; then you go back and look at those pictures. Oh, my gosh. Beautiful. And now, I don’t know why I didn’t think that about myself.”

A moment when she felt powerful just being herself? Now. Right now. “In the last couple years, I’ve started feeling that way. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older and just… content with myself. During COVID I went to therapy for a little while. And one of the things she told me was “you’re not going to be good at everything. Not every person is going to be good at the same thing. It’s okay to only be good at what you’re good at.” Because I felt that all I’m good at is being a mom. I’m not educated, I feel like I don’t have any goals. And she’s said; that’s fine. I’ve learned that it’s okay to just be. You don’t have to be a go-getter all the time, you can just be yourself and be fine.

Things that she loves about herself? “I’m reliable. I’m a really good mom. I love being a mom. I’m a very good friend. When I love, I LOVE, and am loyal and will do anything for that per son.”

On her relationship with her best friend: “She’s why I’m here. We are such opposites! She’s one reason why I’ve been content, because she’s SO career driven, and I’m so “mom” driv en. We just tag team it all. I take her kid all the time, and tell her “go do your thing, girl!” All those meetings? I can’t do it. But I’ll cook all the dinners and clean up. That’s a good friend ship. It’s healthy.”

“Actually, she texted me on the way here. I didn’t open it, hold on.”

She said… “You are beautiful. You’re powerful. You’re alive. And you’re the best mom. I know.”

Contains multitudes.

Quirky. Artsy. Not shy. Abuse and sexual assault survivor. Recovering Anorexic.

This whole thing is all her fault.

A woman who became what she wanted to be when she grew up. “I love to play pretend I would spend hours getting lost in my own imagination. I would pace our hallway, and my dad used to hide and watch me, and try to figure out what on earth I was doing. But I was just lost in my own head, making entire worlds. Now that I write, it makes sense that I was making my own stories. But yes, I still very much like to do that. I write, but I’m also occasionally a professional actor. Yeah, I still love to play pretend and be somebody else for a while. It didn’t pay well, but I did it. That’s something that I am very proud of. That was what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I did it.”

A woman who felt the pressure to be something other than herself far too young. “First of all, I was born female in the church of Christ. So I’m already evil, that’s how it is. Women are sin. That didn’t come from my parents intentionally. There was some messaging that they grew up with as accepted fact. They treated us, for the most part, like we were their greatest treasures. But because the Church of Christ was the world we were in, which in Abilene Texas that WAS the entire world, everything about being a woman was limited. Everything about us was wrong. But we were also expected to be beautiful, because that’s our job. You’re supposed to be here, you’re supposed to be pretty, but don’t take pride in that, like, don’t actually work for it. Defi nitely cover it up. From the very beginning.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “I think the biggest thing I would tell me… I would go back to probably age three or four, because that’s when you first start forming mem ories. And I would probably tell me that like, hey, all of this messaging you’re hearing about needing to cover yourself needing to look a certain way; it’s bullshit. I think I would go back and tell three or four year old me that all of the messaging and treatment that you’re wit nessing and feeling… number one: you’re not crazy. Number two: it’s real. And number three: you can say “no”. “No” is a word that you can say, you’re allowed to say “no” to people when it comes to your own life. I wasn’t allowed to say “no”.”

A time when she felt powerful just being herself? “I was still a wreck and recovering from his birth, but when Eli was less than six weeks old, I opened my first show with the itty bitty the atre group I helped start here. I’d been told throughout my pregnancy with him that I was going to have to stop because I was a mom now, I needed to find a real job. I said, “fuck that” and opened the show. That show, that opening night, I definitely just remember thinking, “I fucking did it. If I never step on a stage again, I did it. Fuck them. I did it.” My now husband, when I was mentally sorting through all of that and like word vomiting at him, I said “I’m gonna have to quit theater because we’re having a baby,” he was just like, “No, don’t you dare.” And when I asked why, he said “if you begin his life by trying to prove to yourself that you could be something other than what you are, what the hell are you teaching him? How are you supposed to teach him to be himself? If you’re deliberately trying to not be yourself?”

Things she loves about herself? I love my eyes. Whenever I look at my eyes, I see where I come from. I love my weird brain. There are things that I do that are just a part of the life that I love, and if I was neurotypical, they wouldn’t be a thing because I would not be able to process the way that I process, and that’s a key component to the way that I operate. So I love my ADHD. I love my children. The parts of me that I see in them are the parts of them that frustrate me the most, but it’s also what I love the most. I just love seeing them be who they are even when they are making me absolutely bonkers.

On being a recovering anorexic. “In a world where I had no little say in my own life, my eating disorder became my safe place. It wasn’t fully under control until about two or three months after the Hippie and I started dating. I was less than a year out from remission when we found out I was pregnant with our first child. I will always be anorexic. I am healthy right now, but it’s just something that will be with me for the rest of my life. It will never not be a part of me.”

What she wants us to see when we look at her? “I can’t fit in a box, and I don’t want to try.”

A beautiful, strong woman

Loyal. Strong. Fun. A friend. A mother. A birth educator who takes the fear out of the ap proach to motherhood. A woman.

A woman who advocates for other women.

A woman who believes that it’s important to do things that scare us a little. “I heard about this through you. And I decided to do it, because I think it’s important to do things that are out side of my comfort zone.”

And the time with her was wonderful.

A woman who loves being a teacher to those who need access to her knowledge bank, which is super appropriate for her, because as a little girl she loved nothing more than playing school. She’s a birth educator, and she takes her work very seriously.

“I love teaching adults who are interested in the thing that they’re there for, and being paid to talk about something that I love to a captive audience.”

The pressure to be something other than herself began so early for her.

“I think like as a little girl. I remember my mom needing me for strength as a little girl. I al ways knew that that was my role. So I don’t know that I ever knew anything about who I was, just what I needed to give.”

“I was never taught that there was anything. Growing up, I was very responsible, I was always the responsible daughter. When my mom was gonna, like describe me…”

“‘Hi, this is Cheryl. She’s the responsible one. Nikki, she’s the cute one. Jerrica, she’s the baby.’ So there was nothing. Nobody ever told me I was cute. I was never told that as a little girl, I was just very responsible. I never thought that I was anything.”

A woman who shows the women and girls around her that they are EVERYTHING. Her message for the little girl she used to be?

“I think I would tell me that I AM cute. Like that’d be a lot, just to be told.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself?

Giving birth.

“The first one… all of them. Definitely my last one. My labor before hers was really really hard. So when I got pregnant with her I was gonna go get an epidural, because I didn’t want to do that again. It wasn’t a bad birth, it was just very mentally challenging. My midwife said, “you can do that if you want”. It’s just not what I’ve ever done. And so she said, “how about we work through all of that and prepare well for this one?” I’m glad that she encouraged me in that way. It’s my favorite thing I’ve ever done.”

Three things that she loves about herself: “I think I’m a good listener. I think I’m nice. I think I’m encouraging.”

A woman who if she could have any superpower in the world would choose the power to be in two places at once.

A woman who has walked through hell and back, and still has a warm smile and open arms for those she loves.

A strong woman who is pretty damn cute.

a whole person

Compassionate. Funny. Asshole (only sometimes).

A woman who wants to know why people are unkind. “If I had any superpower, I’d want to be able to read people’s minds. I know that sounds like something that you don’t want. But that is one thing that I always struggle with, with people, because I never understand why people are mean. I just want to know why. My mom will say that I’ve been like that from the time that I started at school. She has a distinct memory of me coming off of the bus at six or seven years old, just distraught, just bawling my eyes out. I went on to tell her how ev erybody was like picking on this one kid on the school bus. I was so upset by it, because I didn’t understand why they were being mean. I’m 32, and I still really don’t understand it. I would like to know why.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to conform in middle school. “In middle school, between six to eighth grade? That’s probably when the tormenting started. “Oh, you’re not wearing the right brand?” Or, “your hair’s not the right way,” just… middle school crap. I even used to get teased for my dancing, they used to tease me about that all the time. They thought it was weird that I danced. It wasn’t a big thing for the school, it was an outside thing that I did. “Why do you do that? Why don’t you play basketball or, you know, like, why don’t you do something else?” I actually made it to Nationals several times, I was proud of it. I bragged about it back then.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “Don’t listen to them. I love who I am now, compared to who I was 15 years ago, 16 years ago. I wouldn’t have even 3 or 4 years ago, the self confidence was just not there. I worked on myself. It was just one bad relationship after another, they very much see me as a body. That is what I am to a lot of men. Each one of them has been abusive and has just torn me down verbally; physically. I’m just better at being single, I’m very happy being single.

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? You’re standing in it with her. “Now. I mean, probably the last couple of years. I’ve just started to stand up for myself. The kid, I just… I’m not taking it anymore.”

Things that she loves about herself: “I am a kind person. I love my compassion. It’s a blessing and a curse. I care very, very deeply, and that’s something I don’t ever want to change about myself. I like my drive. Be cause that’s gotten me to where I’m at now.”

A woman who really sees others, and just wants them to see her too. “I get it all the time. “We can’t look like you.” No, no, you can’t. But I still mean what I say, and you’re still beau tiful. I want people to see my personality. I would much rather that than anything else. Because I think I get annoyed with the other, and I get it all the time. I get talked down to because I look a certain way, and then when people say “Oh, you’re actually smart,” how am I supposed to take that? It’s not a compliment. This is just a vessel, it doesn’t mean my brain doesn’t function. I didn’t choose his body.”

Strong, unafraid of aging; an Indian-American lesbian

Resilient. Intelligent. Playful. Cancer survivor. Someone to call when there’s trouble.

A woman who isn’t afraid of aging. “I haven’t been dying my hair, it’s going gray and silver. And I’m just like… this is gonna happen. Basically when you’re not allowed to age… I think we’re all so terrified of getting older. , because we know everyone expects us to look like we’re 25 our entire lives. And that’s ridiculous. I think. I think as women age… We’re hot, man. We’re more secure with ourselves, we know ourselves more. I mean, I think women as we age, I think we’re gorgeous. I think women are absolutely stunning.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to be something other than herself at a very young age. “Absolutely. Pressure to be feminine, I remember. I’ve never been a fan of wearing dress es. And I remember we were going to get some photos taken as a family and I cried, cried, cried; my mom made me wear this dress. And I just did not want to wear it. And then it’s real ly funny because the family photos, everyone looks really upset because I made such a stink. My mom was so mad. And my older sister was like, freaking out cuz she was in the middle. And my dad is the only one who has a genuine smile. And then my background is Indian. My parents immigrated from India in the 70’s. And then with my sister, and then I was born years later, but the dresses. I’ve learned to appreciate some of the outfits and stuff now. But when I was younger, I wasn’t as much of a fan of wearing some of those and I always wanted to wear the guy’s versions never could. So yeah, pressure starting from then. Still pressure.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “Say this is you, this is your body. You are not restricted by your body, you can still be whoever you want to be as a female or as a female bodied person. Women can be anything, be with whoever they want to be. And I know it seems weird right now. But you’re, you’re gonna grow up and you’re going to be beautiful, and you’re going to be able to do the things you want to do.”

A time she felt powerful just being herself? Finding herself in her people. “It was the summer of 2005 when I was in the middle of my master’s program, and I interned in LA. And I wasn’t fully out of the closet. I was out to my friends and out to my mom and my sister, but nobody else. But at the time, I was really struggling trying to find other Indian Americans. So South Asian Americans or Desi Americans that that were lesbian, gay. So at that time, when I interned in LA, I had found actual groups like organizations that had brown people with people like me that were different, I guess. And I hung out with them. And I felt like that was the first time in my life that I was around people that understood who I was culturally. Understood the experience of even a bicultural identity, of being raised Indian, and then on the external world is American and and being this blend of the two, and then and then also being gay. And what those strug gles are like not only just in American society, but also within the Indian community. I felt like most of my life I was with predominantly white Americans that didn’t understand my Indian ness, and I would have to explain that all the time. And then the rest of the time I was around straight, or maybe not in the closet but probably all straight Indians, who I couldn’t fully be like I was. I wasn’t able to be open about my sexuality. So there was always this division. But yeah, I mean, summer of 2005 I hung out with these people and I felt very, I felt like these different aspects of me were able to exist as one full unit. And it was very liberating and empowering.

Things she loves about herself? “I feel like I’m a fairly good critical thinker. I like that I’m play ful. Like, I haven’t lost that kid-like nature, I guess. I like my cheekbones. I think I have a really nice bone structure.”

A woman who survived a battle with cancer. “In 2000, December of 2009 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I have this scar and there’s some scars here, because they had to go into my chest to biopsy the tumor. And then I had a port, and I went through chemo and radi ation, which was awful. I went through a period of fear and anger. There’s still a lot of fear and anger because I still have to get tested. I just went through a battery of tests recently. I’m not glad I had cancer, but. I don’t know. My body’s working hard. Working hard to keep me going.”

filled prayer; a reflection of God

Energetic. Blunt. Problem solver. A prayer warrior.

A woman who loves to cook. “I always wanted to be a chef. I love cooking, but it’s completely different. 12 year old me was going to move to New York, go to culinary school, live that CIA life. Now, it’s like cooking for a restaurant, but my customers… I get all their critiques. I met my husband, and he said “I want a big family. We’re gonna have five, six kids.” I was like, “sure this will work.” At 15-16 years old I was head over heels. And then we actually did do that. We have five kids, and if they love something, they really love it. And if they don’t they WILL tell you.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to be someone other than herself in middle school. “ It was middle school for sure, and I was a late bloomer. I was never 100 pounds in high school, I was 90 and below and I always wanted to be thicker. I was so tired of being a skinny girl and nobody… They’re like, “Oh, you have your problems, skinny girl?”, and I wanted boobs! I want ed to be curvy. I didn’t have my first like menstrual till I was 16, so it was definitely a lot of pressure for my body. I didn’t know what to do with it because my whole family was the oppo site, they were big, curvy women. It was very rough. But then, all those things happened after my first kid. And I was like “why did I want all these things?”.

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “I would tell her to give herself some grace. I had a rough childhood growing up, and I carried that weight for so long. If I could tell her to go back, it would tell her to take the weight off, there is no room for that weight. There’s no rea son to hold on to it. So just let it go. I would go back and take it off of her, that big old back pack that she’s wearing that’s full of hate and anger and fear and insecurities. Just take the bag off, leave it there, and just walk away.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? Empowering others. “I’m there to uplift you in how you see yourself, and working out comes with it. This is my calling, this is what I’m supposed to do. God is sending me these women for a reason. And most of them had children. Some of them didn’t have children, but I still related to them on insecurities and little things. I was able to fill them up, then I was filled up because I was helping them. It was always just… if I could help somebody and serve others, I felt super. Unstoppable.”

Things she loves about herself? “I like being artistic. I like my attitude. In my family, I’m the doer. If you have a problem I’m like “okay, how are we going to fix this? What are the steps?” I like my smile, because I’ve noticed that in my five kids. They all have my same smile.

A woman who heard God in her shower instead of on the road to Damascus. “One day after I was working out, I turned the shower on. And I’m just looking at the mirror, and one of my kids left this little green washable marker on the counter. So I was just looking at myself, and I went to town. I was like this is gone, this is gone, this is gone. And then I stepped back and looked. I was completely covered in green. It was like a wave of heat just came over me, an instant pit in my stomach kind of thing. I stepped back and started crying. I was on the floor crying, nobody knows what’s going on except for me in that little space; I was in a ball. Tears wash away washable marker, so I had a green river flowing everywhere from the tears. And then…out of all the static of what was going through my head, I heard three words. “I made you.” I’ve always been a doubter when it comes to my faith. But I instantly had this peace. I stood up and I looked at myself differently. God made the world. God said ‘Let there be light’. God made the mountains, God made the flowers, God made all these beautiful things. The peace that came from that… I was in chaos on the floor, and the peace after that was complete. Like, okay. I’m gonna take a deep breath and let go. So no, I don’t want to fix anything.”

personified.

Emotional. Patient. Honest. So committed to honesty that her loved ones occasionally call her a savage.

A woman who wants women to know where their value DOESN’T lie. “It’s so important, espe cially with everything that’s happening with women right now, that we start to understand that our worth does not come from the size of our waist. It doesn’t come from anything physical. Literally anything physical. Beauty is so much more than the outside.”

A woman who has seen the full beauty and the full ugliness of what life can be.

A woman who has been through the modeling industry and survived to see the other side. “I was actually pretty successful in it for about four years. I did runway. I went to Miami to New York like did all these things. And then life happens. I’m neurodivergent, and I also have de pression, so my weight has always been a huge struggle. There was a time where I survived off of a can of soup a day. And being in the modeling industry; they chew you up and spit you out. The minute that you are no longer the look, you’re done.”

As a girl, she loved reading. It was her escape. Now? That love has been replaced by what she pours out into her loved ones, into the community.

She began to feel the pressure to be something other than herself in her early teens. “I knew as a young teen, that I was gay. I come from a German Catholic family. And so as soon as I started to figure out that that’s who I was, I really started to feel a lot of pressure. I had an aunt that was lesbian as well. And when she came out, they disowned her. I could never be who I was. Or at least that’s the way I felt.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “That it’s okay not to be okay. That would have been nice to hear. We don’t have to be put together every day, and we don’t have to feel okay every day, and we don’t have to pretend to BE okay every day; it is okay to not be ok.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself?

When she accepted herself, and stopped hiding. “It would have to be when I came out. 100%. I was in a heterosexual marriage for six years. We had a child, did all the ‘normal things’. The next steps, the ‘supposed to’s’. I thought ‘this will be ok.’”

It was never ok. “I would never be happy until I was 100% honest about who I was. It was a lot of self healing, learning to trust myself, and make decisions and… just all of the things all of the things that you do need to heal.”

Things that she loves about herself: “I love my eyes. I’m super intuitive. I consider myself to be very, very, very kind. In this world… we need more of that.”

A woman who values the truth. “Right now with Roe versus Wade, I would go visit old Clar ence… I wish I had the power to make people be honest in their intentions.”

A woman who doesn’t give up. “Life is hard. But I think if you make a decision to overcome; you can. You can. You just have to put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.”

A woman who is persistence personified. “Just keep swimming.”

Caring. Committed. Opinionated. Responsible. Smart. Athlete. Team players. Devoted to one an other.

Women who stay strong together.

Women who still play together.

Shaila: Grace and I decided to turn on the sprinklers in the backyard and we just ran around sprinklers like kids. Remember that? I don’t even know what made us think to do that. But it was during quarantine–

Grace: Oh! We were working out together!

Shaila: And so then I’m like, “let’s just put on the sprinkler,” and we ran around in the sprinklers. And that kind of reminded me of being a kid.

Women who have both felt societal pressure to change themselves.

Shaila: I probably would say like Intermediate School, like fifth sixth grade.

Grace: Yeah, probably because the people I was surrounded by and like school and stuff… be cause it wasn’t like elementary school anymore. Everyone’s just doing everything. It was more… people forming cliques.

Shaila’s message for the little girl she used to be?

Shaila: I would tell myself to try things, because a lot of my “stuff” was not feeling athletic, not feeling strong. But I wouldn’t try things that I didn’t think I was gonna be good at. I think I would have felt more empowered in my body if I had tried those things.

Times when they’ve felt powerful just being themselves?

Shaila: As tough as the time was, probably when my kids were little. Taking care of them and having toddlers and just being mom. Which is weird, because I had a career before that, and now I’m missing that career. But in that moment, I was like, “This is what feels right to be doing.”

Grace: the moment that I was thinking of was behind the blocks at state. I was definitely not the fastest person on any of my relays, but I was just happy to be there.

Things they love about themselves?

Shaila: I care deeply about people. I’m strong and can run can be 51 and inspire people that younger than me to keep taking care of themselves.

Grace: I’m hard working. I pushed myself really hard academically this year, and I did well, and it paid off. I’m happy about that. I’d say strength. I’m still pretty small, but when I was smaller and didn’t like that about myself, I started working out and lifting weights and stuff.

Shaila: She got voted most likely to outlive the boys.

Women who love one another. Women who want to make a difference.

Shaila: I want to be seen as somebody who’s strong and fit for my age and showing people… the age part is important to me. I want to show other people that at this age that you can do this, that you don’t have to be on medication with a walker or something. I also want to be seen as somebody who’s approachable, and caring, and who you can come to if you need something, whether it’s just a smile or hug.

Grace: I’d say confident and strong and also supportive… kinda like you.

She’s a good role model.

An open mind; a kind heart

Smart. Passionate. A scientist. A gardener. An inquisitive brain that is still adjusting to life in Texas.

A woman waiting for her first child to be born. A woman who is in recovery from her eating disorder. A woman who isn’t afraid to advocate for herself in her journey towards motherhood. “My OB has been acquiescing to me saying “I don’t want to be weighed” with the caveat of they couldn’t get one of the measurement shots, so they’re gonna do another ultrasound. The doctor who was the most kind was like, “okay, if everything goes well at the 20 week measurements, then we don’t need to weigh you again”. And when I went to the appointment after the ultra sound, she said “everything looks good. It’s okay. We don’t need to weigh in,” but then she was like, “well, we’ll see”. They’re just so fixated on that metric. It definitely is triggering to be preg nant and be told that there’s these specific things I need to do with my body in order to give my kid the best chance. And then being a scientist having access to all the peer reviewed data… they’re wrong. There’s this excellent meta analysis from one year ago that proves this is bull shit. You can tell me to change how I eat or change how I move; but none of those interventions actually change outcomes during pregnancy.”

A woman who began to feel the pressure to be something other than herself far too young. “I think for me, ages eight to nine was when that awareness happened. I was the smart kind of loudmouth kid in my class, and got a lot of messaging along the lines of “oh, you shouldn’t share your grades because it’ll make the other kids feel bad”. That was the pedagogy when I was going through grade schools. They didn’t give much support for kids who were exceeding expectations because they were so busy with the kids that were failing. “Tamp down that light a little bit because you don’t want to make Billy feel bad for failing. I also grew up as a fat kid. So there was that body awareness that I couldn’t wear kids clothes anymore, or other kids mak ing comments. I was never really teased, but was super aware from eight onward that my body wasn’t what people expected.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “A reassuring thing could be like, bodies change, change is natural, and you don’t have to force it. your body is good the way it is, people who see it that way… it’s their problem, not yours. I think that probably would have helped. But it wouldn’t have been like a one time conversation, it would have had to be like day to day, which I think is part of what was so challenging being in the larger kid. The omission of the conversa tion in some ways was just as harmful. There wasn’t much acknowledgement that my experience was really colored by my size. That sort of platitude when kids say they feel fat, and people are like, “oh, but you’re beautiful”? I wasn’t saying I was ugly.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? When she touches the earth. “When I’m doing something physical outside, I feel that way. The other day, I was sitting out in the garden eating breakfast and I realized… that’s okra! The okra pods were the exact color of the leaves. I’d been in my garden earlier and hadn’t noticed them. And that spurred me into deciding to make a multicourse meal and invite Andy’s mom and grandma over. I was just… it’s the first okra!”

Things she loves about herself? “I love how playful I am even though I’m in my 30’s. I love that I have a good sense of humor. I like that I’m curious about the world.”

A woman who if she could have any superpower in the world? She would just want to be able to concentrate. “The first thing that came to mind is focus. The professor I work for is this amaz ing woman. She’s tenured already. She has two kids, but the thing that I think when I watch her work that has served her so well is that she can task switch and focus so intently, but with this, emotional and scientific intelligence. If I could just do that with whatever I need to do, I feel like I could do whatever I wanted.”

Funny. Kind. Generous. Sex assault survivor. Teacher. Artist. Mother. Friend.

A woman who is learning to use her voice. “I’ve felt really guilty the past few weeks of putting my thoughts and opinions on Facebook, because I feel like it makes me unlikable. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that we can agree to disagree on a lot of things. We can agree to dis agree that apple pie is the best dessert on Earth, but we cannot agree to disagree on things like bodily autonomy and basic human rights. If we don’t agree on that, then I don’t think there’s any getting past it. We can be civil, but I’m not going to make space for you in my life.”

A woman who began feeling the pressure to be something other than herself at age 15. “I think once I kind of recognized that people looked at women to have to have certain beauty stan dards. I can vividly remember crying in a dressing room because I thought I was so huge. And I was tiny! I was so tiny and I just thought I looked disgusting. That’s probably when I was a teenager, amidst the pressure you’re putting on yourself to be thin and blonde and pretty. But I was always the weird homeschool kid. I went to public high school after I was homeschooled, and I was just the weirdo. It didn’t matter if I was prettier, thin or whatever. I went to the old church, and I was homeschooled.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “I guess that it doesn’t really matter. It’s not what makes life beautiful. It’s just your skin. It’s just a vessel which is carrying you through life. And it’s not that big of a deal. And somebody will love you. With all the imperfections that you see, and that you’re worthy of love. And you don’t have to be somebody else or look like somebody else or be a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model for God’s sake, to be lovable. I would tell her that she needs to know that.”

A time when she felt powerful just being herself? She hasn’t felt that yet. “I hope to, though. I really, really want to get to that place where I am just feeling myself. That would be amazing.”

Things that she loves about herself? “I love being tall. I really love being tall. I think it’s just like the coolest thing. 5’ 11”. Yeah, and then I’m in like 6’ 4” in heels. I feel so powerful. Really like a giant. I love that. I love that I’m incredibly empathetic towards people, and compassionate, and forgiving. I really like that about myself. I don’t know if that’s trauma based, just having to be constantly aware of people’s feelings at all times trying to gauge so I can be safe. But it is what it is. I can’t change that about me. It’s who I am. But I do like it. I am super sensitive. I’m on the fence about whether I love that about me or not. Sometimes I love that I’m super sensi tive and other times, I’m not too keen on it.”

A woman who takes her motherhood very seriously. “God, if I raised a bully, I would be heart broken. I don’t think Lila would ever be that way, but I just want to raise a good human. I want her to have the strength to carry on through whatever is coming our way. I also carry a lot of guilt for that too. I feel like I brought her into this world, and now she has to suffer through the bullshit. I feel really guilty that she didn’t ask to be here, and she’s here. Now. We’re in the situations that we’re in, and then she’s gonna have to go through that. And I feel very scared for her too. I had severe postpartum depression, to the point where I was physically abusive to myself. And my ex mother in law swept in and took Lyla because I didn’t feel like I was capable. And I felt like she was worried that I couldn’t take care of Lyla, and that that lasted just a few weeks. It was a pretty rough few weeks.”

A woman who chooses day by day to learn to love herself in the skin she’s in. “I wanted to change a lot of things about my body, especially post baby. Feeling like my boobs are sag gy and not up where they used to be, the stretch marks are creeping in. I’m slowly coming to terms, but it is a process. I’ll make it there.”

Loud. Loyal. Charismatic. Not afraid of the yuck feelings. Storyteller. Teacher of children.

A woman who still loves to play pretend. “I love going to Ren Faire, because there’s no real ex pectations there. Because everyone’s always like, “is that historically accurate?” Not like, “huh, there she looked particularly skinny” or something, you know?”

A woman who began feeling the pressure to be something other than herself around age 7 or 8. “I have a unique situation because I’m a military brat, I moved around a whole bunch. I was always the new kid, so that was always strike number one against me when trying to make friends. And then also, culturally, I’m like a weird mix. I’m half Mexican, and I’m half white. My mom is VERY Mexican. Like, first time first generation American. But I also grew up in Ja pan, because of the military. So I love eating sushi and the smell of raw fish and things like that. Family dinners are weird, we’ll have refried beans, jasmine rice, and like, chicken fried steak or something. We moved to Arizona, and I was going to like public school for the first time. I don’t think it affected me as much then as it did later on when I kept moving. But it was the first time I was aware that these people didn’t act the way that I acted. I wanted friends, so I tried to act like them. I feel like no matter what I did, I was always told my whole life told to bring it down a couple of notches. And I’d be like, “this is my down a couple notches, you guys.”

Her message for the little girl she used to be? “Honestly, I feel like a lot of the same things that my mom said; but probably in a different way. Because my mom, I love her so much, but she is very blunt and straightforward. My love language is words of affirmation, and she can’t real ly compute that. So I think I would tell her the same things, like “it’s going to be okay. I know right now it feels like the end of the world, but it’s not, and it’s gonna get so much better.”

A moment when she felt powerful, just being herself? “Onstage, empowering women and rais ing money for sex assault survivors. Most recently, was the ‘Vagina Monologues’. Because I wore clothes I thought were comfy and cute. No one was there for me in particular, they were there for the whole show. But, you know, getting a bunch of strangers to shout “vagina” with you? Feels good. I think that’s when I felt most myself. And most like, I don’t care what any one thinks because we’re already going to be shouting “vagina”, and I’m gonna be showing you where the clitoris is. What I’m wearing is the least of anyone’s worries.

Things she loves about herself? “I love that I do theater. It makes me happy. I love that I get to do it, and I think I think I’m good at it. I’m really loyal. I have this weird… I don’t know. It’s like an energy or something where people I don’t know at all just find me, and then tell me every thing about their lives and all of their problems.”

A woman who if she had any superpower in the world, would be a shapeshifter. “If you’re a shapeshifter, you get all of the other powers anyway. If you want to fly; a bird. If you want to go super fast; a cheetah. If you want to be super strong; a bear. If you want to be invisible; a fly. Who’s gonna know that you’re there? Also think about all the good things you could do for theater. Lost an actor? Need a tree prop? Sure I got it.”

A human rainbow, who just wants people to feel seen and accepted. “I want people to know that they can talk to me. That when I say that I love something about you, it’s genuine; I will accept you.”

THE CREATORS

Jessica is a copywriter and social media content manager who stumbled sideways into the world of marketing after a life of performing professionally onstage. Helping audiences see and identify with the person behind the business is her best talent, followed closely by helping business owners learn how to write their own content without getting too tangled up in their own head. The world is made of stories, and she’s on a mission to make sure that they’re told.

“Anorexia entered my life at the age of 17. I’m a sexual assault survivor. So much of my early adult life was spent onstage trying to force myself to match someone else’s ideal of what I ‘should’ be. When my first baby was born less than a year after my last anorexia relapse, I decided enough was enough. My body is mine, and I will use it and love it as I see fit. I want that for everyone.”

JESSICA ASHLEY

Ashley is a portrait photographer who has lived and worked all over the US as a photographer for 10 years. Her promise to clients is to change the way they view themselves – to see not only their smiles, but their strength, conviction, love, dedication, and – yes! – sense of humor. Ashley provides a rare combination of professionalism and artistry that allows clients to relax, engage, and even play.

“My weight is the least interesting thing about me. I'm kind, loyal, ridiculous, loving and can be a bit obnoxious. Those are what I want people to know, those are what you get when we meet. Once I was really able to truly believe and internalize that, my life took off. It helped me realize that no one else cares. People are too caught up in their lives and their own insecurities to even see me. Let alone say something negative. And for those few who might? It says more about them as a person than me. Working one on one with women has taught me that we all just want to be seen. We all have our hang ups and insecurities, but through those we want others to REALLY SEE who we are. I can do that for you.”

Custom framing and local art. 979-822-0496 insta @theframegallerydowntown fb @theframegallerydowntown

Home decor, gifts, jewelry, art, sense of humor. 979-595-3630 insta @imasavagediva fb @imasavagediva

Judge & Mrs. Norman D. Jones

MINE

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