Inside of a Durian

By Jenny Zhao

If everyone in the world were a fruit, I would be a durian. Not because I smell strange or because I have a spiky personality — rather, I think I’d be a durian because sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in. It’s silly to think about it from a larger perspective since I am part of clubs and I seem to have many friends, but it doesn’t always feel like I belong within those bubbles of relationships.

From a young age, I’ve struggled with self-identity. Moving to New York City from California at a young age was already tough, as I had to leave behind memories and people that I don’t even remember anymore. However, as I grew up, even family became something distant to me. With my mom who always worked late nights, my dad who worked out of state, and my sister who was almost a decade older than me, I was almost always alone.

In elementary school, I tried to interact with my classmates to “fit in” and “belong,” and thus came my best friend at the time. She was willing to listen and hang out with me, connecting to the part of me that was merely a child yearning for love. We were close, but an argument drove us apart, and I was shattered. My parents continuously asked me where she was and what she was doing, but I could never give them a straight answer. I couldn’t accept the reality of things, where someone who I thought finally accepted me didn’t. The whirlwind of emotions spun through my elementary school self, and I was once again left alone. Once middle school hit, I was on my own again.

Middle school was a whole new experience for me. With new people and puberty going crazy, I had a really tough time adjusting. Luckily for me, however, I was able to find people who broke into the soft interior of my shell, warming me. Those people were the ones who I thought would stick with me forever … and for a while, they did. Being with them allowed me to show off the side of myself that I would usually hide away behind my spiky exterior; it felt good to feel normal for once. However, I was still a durian, the fruit that scared people off. One of my close friends at the time suddenly cut off contact with me and I went into panic mode. What did I do wrong? Why was I being ghosted? It was like I was back in elementary school again, facing the realities of being abandoned. I tried everything to get in contact with him, but I never got through until I asked a mutual friend to confront him. He told our friend things about my personality that I’d never quite thought about before. Ever since that day, I overthought everything about myself. I couldn’t help but to retreat back into the safe confines of the spiky shell. I didn’t want to be seen anymore. If I wasn’t seen, I wouldn’t have to go through any more pain.

A durian is merely a fruit that is trying to survive. Its spiky outer shell and weird smell make people avoid the fruit more than others, but once you look inside, the durian is simply a fruit with soft and sweet innards. The spiky shell acts as a barrier to keep others away, keeping the inner self safe, and in that way, I relate to it. I try to build a barrier to keep others out and my inside self in. I don’t deny any parts of myself that I’ve shown or kept hidden. I don’t deny that my personality can be different and not welcomed by some. However, my inner child just wants to be seen for who I really am: the soft flesh inside a durian.

15 Vol. XlV, Issue I