Volume 101 Issue 19 by The Collegian

"THE TRANSITIONAL VIEWS OF ASWWU"

THE COLLEGIAN

BREAKING NEWS: DONALD TRUMP IS LIKE HARRY POTTER WARNINGS ABOUT ADVENTISTS

WALLA WALLA UNIVERISTY

VOL. 101 - ISSUE 19

COLLEGE PLACE, THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2017

$4.20

BOWER'S HALL RENOVATION STOPPED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE LAUREN EPPERSON NEWS WRITER

s of March 30, 2017, construction on Bower’s Hall will stop. Due to budget cuts at the university, Dr. John McVay, university president, had to announce the cancellation of the renovation of the School of Business’s new building. Because of the safety of the building and the size of the classrooms, the building will remain closed and business classes will continue to meet in alternative locations. This will also allow our students to intermingle more and get to know each other outside of their major as they walk to different buildings around campus. McVay stated, “We have been worried about the social interaction of our engineering students and we believe that having outgoing business students walking through the building in between their class will give our engineering students just the social interaction that they need.” The university hopes to have the finances in order to be able to start renovations again possibly sometime spring of 2028. But depending on the how the students get along, they might consider alternatives to the Bower’s renovation.

COLLEGIAN MATCHMAKER

ASWWU SCOOTS KYLER ALVORD NEWS WRITER

wo wheels, a brake, a handlebar, and a yellow paint job: It’s not an ASWWU bike. This week, ASWWU Senate voted in favor of ordering 12 Razor scooters for students to use around campus. The durable ASWWU scooters will be released to the public by the first week of May. Since the release of the yellow ASWWU bikes in 2015, the ASWWU administration has dealt with a number of bike thefts and dropped significant funds on repairs. “We needed to find an efficient mode of transportation that everybody would respect,” Hannah Chebeleu, the senator who pitched the initial proposal, said. “No one has the nerve to harm a Razor scooter, and now we won’t have to worry about vandalism.” The four ASWWU bikes that haven’t been stolen will remain on campus, but ASWWU will no longer buy new ones.

“The future is Razor. Considering we’re such a progressive campus, I’m amazed that nobody pushed for scooters sooner,” Chris Ghazal, ASWWU President, said. “Don’t write this, but when La Sierra put fake palm trees in their fancy business building, I was worried that we were going to be permanently overshadowed. Now that we have ASWWU scooters, I think it’s safe to say that we can reclaim our status as the raddest Adventist campus.” ASWWU has a reputation for trendsetting, and at this year’s AIA Convention, Ghazal was pleased to learn that student governments at Andrews University and Union College are already rearranging their budgets in order to pay for campus scooters. Senate has not decided whether the scooters will have handlebar streamers and bells, but Chebeleu believes that they are a non-negotiable and said that she will attach them herself if she needs to.

MR. MCBAE

MRS. MCBAE

Come by the ASWWU offices Wednesday night to pick up your gift card or contact matthew.moran@wallwalla.edu. Enjoy your sponsored date.

COLLEGIAN WISDOM NEW ACA RUSSIAN PROGRAM STEPHANIE SEPTIEMBRE NEWS WRITER

onald Trump, who Professor Helmut Norpoth predicted to have a 99 percent chance of winning the 2016 election,1 is now 45th president of the United States of America. “We all saw it coming,” Odette Ferreira, former director of Adventist Colleges Abroad stated. “Well, at least Professor Norpoth did, and we at ACA are incredibly thankful that he was right. We’ve already made the deposit on our new Russian language center at Zaokasky Adventist University.” In accordance with ACA’s new four-year vision, which includes downsizing its formerly sought-after Spanish programs in Argentina and Spain, ACA is now working to create programs in countries which the American government is likely to form strong ties with under the Trump administration. “With all the deportations, Spanish just doesn’t stand a chance in America,” Odette said. “We saw the signs, and we knew we had to be prepared. It’s what Adventists do, prepare for inevitable catastrophe.” Kris Kobach, one of Trump’s chief advisors on immigration,2 has confirmed that further immigration reforms will increase the number of H-1B3 visas—visas available especially to models3—available each year, with the expectation that applicants will be primarily from Eastern European countries. “It’s not much of a secret that President Trump has always has preferred imported women,” Kobach stated. “His first wife was from the Czech Republic and his current wife, First Lady Melania, is Slovenian. The two are very happy together. And further, President Trump has always enjoyed doing in business in Eastern Europe.” When asked about the president’s relationship with Vladimir Putin, Kobach declined to comment.

“Political scandals aside,” said Sandra Esteves, the new director of ACA, “what matters for ACA is the international relationships our country will form. This will determine what jobs will open up and what language skills will be required. If the president favors countries known for their good-looking women, then he will favor doing business in those countries, and where his sons take his business, our country will eventually follow. It takes a lot of foresight to initiate a new language-program, so my predecessor, Odette, had to take a big risk in ok-ing a new center before Trump was elected. I’m glad she did.” Zaokasky Adventist University is located in Tula Oblast, approximately three hours from Moscow. It is Russia’s only Adventist university,4 though another Eastern European university is located in Ukraine and formerly hosted a Russian summer language program. “Due to safety reasons, we were forced to close this program,” Esteves stated. “For all practical purposes, it is better to pretend Ukraine doesn’t exist. But we are optimistic about the future. We are hoping this new Russian program will be an all-year program—in a few years we see it becoming even bigger than Argentina or Spain ever were.” When asked how long it would take before the program would get off the ground, Esteves responded by saying that it would be at least another three years for the Zaokasky to construct the facility, prepare the staff, and work out the logistics of supporting American students to study in Russia. After pointing out the obvious to her, that in three years it will almost be election time again and Donald Trump might not win, Esteves remained optimistic. “Hey, he got this far,” she said. http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2016-02-26/ trump-will-become-president-statistical-model-says 2 http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2016/11/14/top-trump-immigration-adviser-predicts-immediate-change.html 3 http://www.alllaw.com/articles/nolo/us-immigration/special-work-visa-models.html 4 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zaoksky_Adventist_University 1

Footballer accidentally thanks his wife and girlfriend in “Incredible Man of the Match” speech No longer has any matches

New York park named for FDR sued by wheelchair users PR team trying to get a handle on situation, but it's spinning out of control

Spiders could theoretically eat every human on earth in one year At least we'd be done with this presidency sooner

Entire town of Tiller, Oregon for sale for $3.85 million If 100 of us pooled our tuition for a year, we could almost afford it

Religious TV station in Senegal accidentally aired porn Thought it was a dramatic reading of Song of Solomon

Man accidentally burns down parents’ house, killing cats and dog in attempt to exterminate ants Wonder what he's going to do when he hears about the spiders

WORLD'S HYUGEST CREATIVE WRITING TALENT MAC FORD FLYPAPER ENTHUSIAST

oday we’re featuring creative writer Donald Trump! He works almost exclusively in fiction and a weird kind of almost-nonfiction, using Twitter as his medium. Despite probably having “never read a book straight through in his life,” and not actually owning any books, and not actually writing or reading a word of his own book,1 Trump’s prose shines with the glow of a thousand spray tans. Here I’ll look at several of his key works to delve into just what makes them so hyuge.

The intensity of this passage is breathtaking—you can really feel how much he thinks this is true. Side note: he tweeted this after having been supposedly absolved of his infamous “grab them by the p***y” video (AKA his shackles—a truly stunning metaphor).2

This passage could be even stronger—beyond the unnecessary use of the word “explode” and “THE PEOPLE” in all caps—if he elaborated on who exactly he means by “THE PEOPLE.”

DONALD TRUMP IS LIKE HARRY POTTER: A HOT TAKE MICAH HALL COLLEGIAN EDITOR IN CHIEF

recently read the Harry Potter books. I thought they were good. I was also very excited to notice that many analogies can be made between Donald Trump and the Harry Potter book series. As far as I can tell, I am the first person to think of this.1 Since I know both Donald Trump and the Harry Potter book series generate lots of internet clicks, I have decided to devote an entire article to the similarities between Donald Trump and the characters of the Harry Potter universe. Keep an open mind and you may come away surprised by how insightful this is. 1. Donald Trump is Azkaban and we are all prisoners in his body. In Harry Potter, Azkaban is a prison where the put people who are caught in possession of marijuana. Inside Azkaban, there are guards called dementors who suck the fun out of people’s lives and make them sad forever. In this analogy, Donald Trump is Azkaban. We are all trapped inside his body of work (e.g. bad policies) and the dementors are the members of Congress.

2. Donald Trump is Professor Lockeheart and we are Harry Potter. In the critically acclaimed Harry Potter book series, Harry Potter meets a professor called Gilderoy Lockeheart. Lockeheart is a charlatan who uses lies to make people think he is a good wizard. This is just like in real life where Donald Trump claims that he is really good at magic but, when asked to do a simple healing spell, he accidentally made all the bones in Elizabeth Warren’s arm disappear.

Of course, who could forget Trump’s extensive saga of love and betrayal from 2012, poised to rival even the "Twilight Saga?" His tweet series about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson is at once emotional and hard-hitting. I wish I had space to include all nine tweets here. (Yep. Nine.) As you can see, Trump has mastered the genre. After all, what is fiction if not a long series of alternative facts? This is not a joke. Trump’s ghostwriter Tony Schwartz spent eighteen months with him and never saw him with a single book. http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/07/25/donald-trumps-ghostwriter-tells-all http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2016/12/donald_trumps_least_presidential_tweets_of_2016_the_auditor.html

1 2

3. Donald Trump is J.K. Rowling and his executive orders are adverbs. In the Harry Potter books where J.K. Rowling uses adverbs to describe verbs. The series would have been improved if she had better fleshed out her characters actions and intentions so that the adverbs would have been unnecessary. Donald Trump is using lots of executive orders. Many of the orders are bad or unnecessary, just like the adverbs in Rowling’s writing. Do you agree with my good list of analogies? If you agree, send me an email at micah.hall@wallawalla.edu. If you disagree, send an email to the Collegian Editor-in-Chief by emailing micah.hall@wallawalla.edu. I am a very clever person.

COMING TO A CITY NEAR YOU! PIXABAY

THE HISTORY OF APRIL FOOLS' DAY

YVANNA HAMMEN-ÁLVAREZ FACT WRITER

pril Fools' Day. A day where people prank each other, sometimes mercilessly, and are able to get away with it because the day calls for it. But where did this “holiday” come from? One explanation is that this tradition began in France in the 16th century when New Year’s Day was changed from April 1 to Jan. 1, back when the Gregorian calendar was used.1 Some people, however, kept celebrating the New Year on April 1 instead of in January. These people were called “April fools” and others would make fun of them by pranking and tricking them.

GOOGLE

Another theory is from Joseph Boskin, a Boston University history professor. He expressed that during Constantine’s time, “court jesters and fools told the Roman emperor that they could do a better job of running the empire”.2 Constantine thought it was entertaining and funny, so he figured he’d let a certain fool whose name was Kugel to be called king for the day. Kugel, following his foolish career, passed a rule that silliness should be the order of the day every year. Apparently, in those days, jesters were actually thought of as wise men and so they would take on the role as jesters to change their perspective with using humor, said Boskin. In Westernized cultures, people have observed April Fools’ Day by sending others on fake expeditions, pranking them, and attempting to fool others in thinking absurdities. While these facts are interesting, I’m still not sure why April Fools’ Day is celebrated, but it seems to be quite a hit. While it seems like a fun little holiday, I wouldn’t mind a holiday focused on doing random acts of kindness for the underprivileged or marginalized or something along those lines. Perhaps, instead of jesters, we can use this April Fools’ Day to begin a tradition of showing kindness to people, not just once a year but every day.

MEAT AND COFFEE COMING SOON TO OWN IN KELLOG HALL BRYNDI GOODLIN CAT ENTHUSIAST

hanks to all of the responses to the Cafeteria Listens project, the cafeteria is proud to announce that they will be adding new items to their menu. A new line will soon be added in the cafeteria that will be serving various dishes containing meat to those who are less inclined to eat the substitute meat that has traditionally been served. Vegetarians are not to worry though, their favorite cafeteria meals will not be contaminated by the meat as it will be prepared in a different section of the kitchen and will be kept in a separate area. “We have been hearing a lot of complaints over the years because of the strictly vegetarian options and are really glad that the university is finally listening,” a Sodexo employee remarked when asked about the change.

Coffee will also be added to the cafeteria for those who really need that jumpstart to their day. However, it must be noted that this will only consist of your basic black coffee, creamers, and sugars, so if you want a fancier cup of coffee, you should probably still go down to the Atlas for your morning brew. But, if you still want to take advantage of the free coffee, it will be located next to the tea by the main line. President John McVay had this to say about the changes, “Walla Walla University is so proud to now be offering the foods that our students want. I believe that this is a great step forward for our university. We aim to be outstanding and we believe that these changes will help us to stay in front of the crowd.” So, next time you are craving that meat dish or strong morning coffee, head down to Kellogg Hall and eat and drink up! Bon appétit!

1 http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/16/world/april-fools-day-fastfacts/

GOOGLE

http://www.factmonster.com/spot/aprilfools1.html

Start

HELP WALLY MAKE IT BACK TO HIS PACK Finish

SYMBIOSIS HYDRONEPHROSISDON’T FEED THE DUCKS

@THE DODO

JONI HARRIS RANGER RICK

ver spring break, while walking down Main Street in Bozeman, Montana, I came across a lady who had just stepped out of the bucket of the electrical company’s bucket truck parked beneath a traffic light. Having always wondered how traffic lights work, I took this opportunity to inquire. If you’re wondering, the answer is algorithms. Shoulda known. Then, wondering why she was working on the traffic light, I asked if the algorithm sometimes malfunctions. She said it can, but that was not the case this time. She was cleaning algae off the electrical wires inside the light. The rest of her explanation was fascinating, so I thought I’d share it with you all.

Basically, what happens is, water gets inside the light during a rainstorm and as the sun comes out, the heat causes the water to turn to algae. The heat from the light itself continues to help the algae grow and the algae which begins to coat the electrical wires, works as a sort of insulation for the wires. So this is somewhat of a symbiotic relationship— the algae insulating the wires, and the electricity in the wires and heat from the light bulbs providing the appropriate temperatures for the algae to continue to grow. This relationship even benefits the taxpayers as the insulation prevents the electrical wires from cracking when they are frozen and then a wind storm, instead of bending the wires, snaps them in their frozen state. The insulation also increases the light bulbs’ life span. With less maintenance required, the taxpayer saves money.

The algae stops benefiting the light and the drivers once it becomes overgrown. When this happens it can coat the inside of the plastic covering the light bulbs and therefore dims the light. Possibly causing traffic accidents, the algae can become a health hazard. The algae often proliferates when the rain that is sometimes able to seep inside the light, has an acidic imbalance. According to the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA), the most common cause of this imbalance is soggy bread creating a film on the surface of stagnant ponds. When children, couples on their first date, or the elderly throw bread to ducks, it introduces enzymes into the ecosystem that do not belong. Water that contains yeast then evaporates into the air and becomes rain. That yeast then causes the algae inside traffic lights to proliferate a rate dangerous to the drivers on the road.

Besides the introduction of enzymes into the environment, as it “causes algal blooms, allows bacteria to breed and attracts vermin,”1 the bread can also be harmful to the ducks and other waterfowl. White bread is particularly harmful as it offers very little nutrition. Ducks then fill up on this nutritionless substance and do not eat the grub they need to acquire the necessary nutrients. Besides these awful effects of bread, it also leads to animal dependency, avian diseases, and negatively affects bread companies’ spring inventory. Moral of the story, feed the ducks oats, corn, or peas, no more Wonderbread. Peace and Thank you.

1 https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2015/mar/16/ dont-feed-the-ducks-bread-say-conservationists

WARNINGS ABOUT ADVENTISTS VIXIE BAILEY COFFEE QUEEN

here are many different things that people say you shouldn’t do, some of which are backed by science, some by logic, and some… well, not at all. But I need to tell you something: you shouldn’t be Adventist, and here are five reasons why, backed by 20 years of personal experience. 5. Food. Not only do Adventists do this weird thing called “vegetarianism” (or heaven forbid, veganism…), but they don’t even do it well. They expect you to eat things that are green (the horror!), and want you to give up your healthy foods like steak and potatoes. It’s positively un-human to take such good care of your body. Don’t they know you need grease to make sure your digestive system is working well? Also, word to the wise, don’t ever accept anything that they tell you they substituted the meat for tofu. It’s a trap. Run. 4. No weekend. Instead of making questionable life choices like a normal human, they expect you to socialize and even hike (pure torture!) on the weekends. Not only is this unnatural human interaction detrimental, but you might even make friends in the process. Now that is a real tragedy. New friends might want you to leave your room more than just for class and even break up with Netflix for them, and we both know that your relationship with Netflix is too deep and involved to be invaded by people. So, when the word “hike” is spoken, hiss and run back to your dark hovel. Life is better that way.

3. Clothes. While you may think it’s rad to walk around in a sleeveless shirt during the winter, Adventists believe that you should take care of your body by clothing it in a manner appropriate to the weather. Their prophet, Ellen White, even says so.1 Can you imagine? Coats in winter? It’s just not normal. Taking care of your body by wearing clothes is strange. It’s better to just stay in your room rather than deal with expectations like pants. 2. Media. Adventists believe in not frying your brain cells with super loud music and questionable movies. What? I don’t know about you, but I can’t live without my Fall Out Boy at eardrum-exploding levels, which is probably why I can’t hear half the time. The other option is that I am getting old. Yeah, that’s it. I am over the hill of teen years and my body is giving up on life. That’s believable, right? 1. Coffee. Everyone knows that coffee, aka vitamin C, is God’s gift to procrastinating, sleep-deprived college students. It’s totally normal for something to make you feel like your brain is about to explode and you’re wired till kingdom come, but Adventists seem to think otherwise. They don’t approve of overstimulation of the nervous system. Strange. I haven’t slept for five days and I feel great. In fact, I could totally ace... What class is that I’m taking? Hmmm… My point is, I am invincible, and I totally remember everything. I… I don’t know where I was going with this. As you can see, Adventists are strange creatures that expect all these unreasonable, healthy habits. If you value your freedom to slowly kill yourself, stay away. Most people use Ellen White's "Child Guidance" pg. 426 to say you should never wear sleeveless clothes, but it’s actually just talking about winter.

RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS? I

t’s hard to find something to read for devotionals every day. So I’ll save you a little time by giving you a list of devotionals you can try!

Read Hezekiah 2:3-15. What do these verses say about eating cheese or vegan cheese? What does it say about caffeine?

Memorize Philippians 5:7.

Have a study on the armor of God in the book of Amos.

Memorize the 12 Commandments.

Reread the specific instructions God gave Moses to build the ark so he could save his family from the flood.

Come join us on Monday, April 3 from 1-5 p.m. on Centennial Green

Have a study on Abram and his wife, Sharon, and how they were led through the struggles of life.

Having a rough start to your day? Read Meshach 4:3. Reread the story of David in the lion’s den (found in the book of David chapters 3-5).

Have a study on the five tribes of Israel. You can learn mounds of information. Read Michaiah 13:2-6. What does it say about the second coming of Christ? Have a study on Daniel and Goliath. Kids love that story! Such a classic.

CHRISTINA MORAN HAWAIIAN CHIC

Let’s not forget the story of Jonah and the whale and how God forgave the city of Tarshish. We can learn a lot from the book of Jonah. It’s a short book—only three chapters in length. Compare the story of David in the lion’s den and Daniel and Goliath. What are David’s and Daniel’s similarities? Read of how God blessed Hannah with a son, Samuel, whom she dedicated to God and gave the child to Levi the priest (story can be found in all three books of Samuel). Have a study on Zacharias, the man who climbed the sycamore tree so he could see Jesus.

UPCOMING ASWWU EVENTS

Read of the life of Paul and how God transformed his life and gave him a new name, Saul (story found in the book of Romans chapter 29). Commit all 37 Old Testament books and 29 New Testament books to memory. Read the story of Esther and how she helped spare the lives of her race, the Samaritans. Have an in-depth study of the three angel’s messages in Revelation 7. What does Revelation 22 and 23 say about the Sabbath? How do these chapters describe the end times?

till trying to find the book of Hezekiah? Good luck finding it by April 1.

HOW TO THROW A SPORTS PARTY MASON NIEL SPORTS FANTM

he big game is tonight, and you want nothing more than to impress all your friends with what an amazing host you are. People are going to score points, a ball may be tossed, and perhaps a team will win. Sports are exciting! You’re mostly hung up on the invitations. You need something that isn’t too over-thetop, but still says, "This person’s sports party is the best." Should you have people RSVP? No, that asks for too much commitment. What are you talking about? If there’s anything you and your friends are committed to, it’s sports! Ball is life. You print out the invitations on special turf-textured paper, scented with a touch of sweat and determination. Répondez s'il vous plaît. For the menu you have a whole Pinterest board of snacks and game-time refreshments. There are crowd favorites such as nachos and pizza, but you’re not here to do the expected. You take a page from the most accomplished hostess of all time, and bake a ten-layer cake with each layer decorated with the colors and mascot of each team previously defeated in the season. Let them eat cake! Marie would be proud. Once the food is prepped and ready to be served, you head to your bedroom where your

big game outfit is hanging, pressed and ready to impress. It’s a sequin unitard with sleeves and legs that flare out to say, "No one cares more about sports than me!" Each sleeve is striped with your team’s colors, and your favorite player’s name is hand-embroidered on the back. Getting it on is no simple ordeal, and you finally manage to clasp the back just in time to hear the first guest arrive. Ding-dong. With an air of gravitas, you sweep the door open and usher in the entourage of guests. All around, eyes are big and jaws are dropped. It’s working! People seem too distracted by your four-foot wide bell bottoms to say anything, so you kindly push them into the den where the TV is set up and ready to go. The remote is in your pocket and without missing a beat you hit play and quiver with anticipation as the pink and purple lights begin to flash. “Alright guys, who are your top three? Mine are Nina Bonina Brown, Shea Coulee, and Sasha Velour” you say to get the conversation started. “Wait, I thought we were watching Northwestern vs. Gonzaga? What is this?” your “friend” George says. “Oh, that thing? Don’t be silly—this is RuPaul’s Drag Race! Did you really think we were going to watch sports?”

2017-2018 U want a job? We have a lot. Our jobs are fun and rlly gud. U shud rlly apply bc u will most definitely have lots of fun. Our jobs r important and will enhance your Walla Walla expirience.

ASWWU Job Hiring Process-Spring Quarter Weeks 1-2: Applications are accepted for department heads Weeks 3-4: Department head applications are interviewed and hired Weeks 5-6: General employees are interviewed and hired Weeks 7-8: Departmental meetings are held; yearly calendars are created

OPENINGS FOR SPRING QUARTER Mountain Rents/Outdoor Trip Leader Alex.Aamodt@wallawalla.edu Marketing Grapic Designer Joel.Wagness@wallawalla.edu Senate Districts 6, 7, and 13 Jackson.Shampo@wallawalla.edu Fill out the application on ASWWU.com and email your resume to the department. Goodluck!

SOME FASHION THOUGHTS OR SOMETHING

ANGELICA CHAN NUTELLA LOVER

ome people have been asking whether I actually follow the advice I give in my articles. And, to tell the truth, I don’t. I actually have a list of general rules and statements that really guide not just my style choices, but my life choices every day. So, without further ado, here are my thoughts on fashion, or something like that. 1.

Always think about what people will think of you before going out the door in the morning. Thinking about everything that could possibly be wrong with your appearance is the best way to brighten your day right from the start.

When you start seeing new trends popping up, try all of them in the same outfit. I’m talking 80’s inspired details, super-saturated colors, stripes, chokers and waist-length necklaces. Don’t worry if your outfit seems a little too busy. It isn’t.

Florals? For spring? Groundbreaking.

Don’t just be satisfied that your outfit looks good; make sure others know that theirs isn’t as good as yours. But when judging people, don’t just stop at things they can change quickly, like their outfit-go for features they can’t. Who knows? Maybe one day they'll pay thousands of

dollars to change their appearance. (Listen to Mrs. Potato Head by Melanie Martinez for reference) You might have noticed that many items of clothing in stores have random slogans written on them like “Yay tacos,” or “I’m actually really smart,” or something, but don’t worry about them. If you like the piece itself, it doesn’t matter what it says. And if it’s in French, then it really doesn’t matter because no one actually knows what it means anyway, right? English is the only language.

Legs—it is the single most important piece of news to be reported in the past year. It could be the most important piece ever. Who cares about your policies and the ways you’re shaping your nation’s interactions with other countries when you have on a skirt that shows you actually have legs? If you wore something for the spring season, you can’t wear it again this year. Everything must go, and that includes those Converse that still fit and that pair of denim shorts that make your butt look good. If it was in last year, it must be out this year.

Don’t worry about the weather when you’re deciding what to wear in the morning. If you’re feeling sandals and shorts but it looks cold and rainy outside, go for it anyway. Who cares if you catch a cold? It's about all looking good.

Before leaving your room, look in the mirror and add one accessory. You can never have too much.

DEPARTMENT HEADS Global Service Marketing Web The Collegian Video Photo Mountain Ash The Atlas Tred Shed Outdoors This is not a joke. Attend the Job Fair. Monday April 3 from 1-5 p.m. on Centennial Green

YOGA, THE REAL GATEWAY DRUG

PIXABAY

JORDAN BROOKS EXPERT GERBIL WRANGLER

oga is a group of physical, mental, and spiritual activities developed in ancient India. Yoga is not tied to one type of practice and encompasses many Eastern religions. Yoga is practiced religiously in Buddhism, Hinduism, and Jainism. Trishkvarn, an ancient monk who honed the worshipful practice of yoga is famed for his ability to contort his body. It is said that Trishkvarn sought to impress the demons he worshipped with physical feats. He would continuously contort his body in unnatural and ungodly ways. Unfortunately, they never paid attention to Trishkvarn, leading him to develop a complex emotional identity filled with doubt and self-loathing. Luckily, his silly and susceptible fellow monk friends found his contortionist worship of darkness fulfilled their deepest addictions and desires. From their example, yoga spread throughout the land.

Over time the religious practice of yoga grew and spread, but the role of religion in determining the “truth” was assaulted by the Enlightenment and the rise of science. The growth of science presented an initial challenge to the power of yoga. Luckily, yogis knew that data could easily be skewed to suggest that yoga is actually a healthy practice through the lens of science. From this point, yoga hid itself as a form of “healthy” exercise that promised its practitioners a strong core and a balanced soul. They even went so far as showing that yoga increases overall brain wave activity, total gray matter, and prefrontal cortex activity.1,2 Unfortunately for them, the fact that yoga is a gateway to a dark and unfulfilling life was hidden in the paradigm of prestigious science. In actuality, yoga decreases prefrontal cortex activity. 3 This type of prefrontal cortex activity is associated with empowering cognitive control (i.e. your decision-making ability). Cocaine is a street drug that also decreases

prefrontal cortex activity, which is a well demonstrated fact. 4 Because of its power to decrease one’s cognitive control, cocaine is overwhelmingly addictive. Since yoga also decreases prefrontal cortex activity, it also is overwhelmingly addictive and has the effect of removing the ability of its users (and abusers) to control their own lives. It is mind-blowing that the fact that yoga is a gateway drug and potentially even worse than cocaine has been hidden for this long. Finally, the truth is being revealed. Luckily, some crusaders have recently proven that the negative effects of yoga merely come from the language surrounding its practice. Words like “hatha,” “asana,” and “prayanama” all elicit culturallyunspecific responses in the brain that guide one to spiritual darkness and druglike addictiveness. This is known because of the gracious work of Laurette Willis, director of PraiseMoves Fitness Ministries.5 PraiseMoves takes the physical strain and mental concentration of yoga, but puts it in the language of the Judeo-Christian

tradition. Instead of moves like Downwardfacing Dog and Half Bound Bowing with Respect Lord of the Dance pose, PraiseMoves offers 140 different poses that each represent a scripture from the Bible, like David’s Harp pose. Thankfully, we are all only $19.95 from getting closer to God through PraiseMoves.5 Don’t worry, it really is different than yoga.

1 Desai, R.; Tailor, A.; Bhatt, T. Complementary Therapies in Clinical Practice 2015, 21 (2), 112–118. 2 Ireland, T. What Does Mindfulness Meditation Do to Your Brain? https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/whatdoes-mindfulness-meditation-do-to-your-brain/ (accessed Mar 5, 2017). 3 Source Needed 4 Hester, R. Journal of Neuroscience 2004, 24 (49), 11017–11022. 5 http://praisemoves.com/

WEEK IN FORECAST FRIDAY

THURSDAY

PIXABAY

SATURDAY

PIXABAY

MAR 30

MAR 31

APR 1

Women's Hardball Tryouts 2:30 p.m. at the WWU Softball field

Shallow Sunday Camp Mivoden

SUNDAY

MONDAY

GOOGLE IMAGES

PIXABAY

TUESDAY

PIXABAY

APR 2

APR 3

APR 4

Shallow Sunday Camp Mivoden

April U-Days 5K Hunt 6:30-8:00 a.m. at the WWU Track

Violence Committee Informational Session 5-6 p.m. in KRH 345

PRISON Concert 7 p.m. at the Walla Walla University Church

ASWWU Laissez-faire 1-5 p.m. at Centennial Green

Retirement Photos 5-7 p.m. in CTC 315 Many Voices of Hate: Voice Student Recital 7:30 p.m. in FAC Auditorium

HELLO READER, like the internet.” We will be moving to solely online because libraries and books are dying. The new generation has spent so much time in technology that studies show by the year 2020, printed books will become obsolete. Intellectual writings will finally be discouraged to make way for the blogs of tomorrow. Everyone’s thoughts and opinions will be reduced to an easy-to-follow, one sentence statement that will be appealing to the next generation of thinkers and innovators. Technology will reign supreme and everyone will be subject to the power of the computer and the internet. Let us rely on technology and move towards a better society as exemplified in "Gattaca". Thus, in lieu of this new movement towards a more sophisticated society as demonstrated in Pixar’s "WALL-E", we advance forward and renounce the days of print.

MATTHEW MORAN SUPREME COMMANDER Dear Reader, After a long and hopefully restful week of spring break, I hope you are excited to hit those books again. Welcome to spring quarter at Walla Walla University. This is the time when many relationships develop or come to fruition in marriage. This is also the time when major changes occur on the campus of WWU. In order to prepare for next year’s administration, The Collegian has decided to release a Collegian 2.0. Starting next week, we will be working as an independent online newspaper company apart from the university. Funds will come primarily from well-respected coin laundry companies. We will be addressing various controversial issues in a very respectful manner. A faculty member has commended these efforts and has called the change an “opportunity for students to freely express themselves through a more familiar medium

Oh yeah, by the way, if you haven’t realized it by now, Happy April Fools'! This entire edition of The Collegian is dedicated to the light hearted, sarcastic, and ironic moments that make life worthwhile. Enjoy.

#THECOLLEGIAN FT. KRIS DE'S INSTA Photos from a lazy Sunday afternoon drive through rural Walla Walla. #driving #thecollegian #pnw #wallawalla #farm #farmlife #sundaydrive #shotoniphone #iphone6s #iphonephotography #washington Hello Sun shine... Beautiful Spring in Walla Walla. #wallawalla #pnw #pnwonderland #farmlife #landscape #landscapephotography #iphone6s #iphonephotography #thecollegian #springbreak #spring #sunshine #sunnyday

SNAPCHATS @THE COLLEGIAN

ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS: WWU'S SLIGHT CHANGE IN POLICY LAUREN WAHLEN CAT LOVER & PRO NAPPER

s many of you may already be aware, Walla Walla University prides itself on the impressive number of couples on campus. In fact, so many students have met their spouses at this very institution that the campus has rightfully earned the nickname “Western Wedding University.” However, some students are choosing to graduate even if they are unmarried, unengaged, or even single. This is a blatant disregard for Walla Walla University’s famous “Ring by Spring” motto, leaving the administration no choice but to make a change in policy. In the hopes of keeping the university’s match-making reputation relatively untarnished, there will now be a $85 fine placed on every graduating senior who remains unmarried or unengaged by graduation, starting June 11 of this year. The administration hopes that this small fine will provide proper incentive for students to find their future spouses before finishing their education here at Western Wedding University. If any student refuses or is unable to pay the fine by June 7, he or she will not be allowed to march during commencement. However, the administration wants to ensure students that their names will still remain on the gradation brochure, regardless of relationship status or whether the small fine for being single has been paid. While this change in policy may confuse, frustrate, or discourage students, administration insists that the fine is meant to do just the opposite. We are confident that by providing our students with the incentive to find their spouses by graduation, our highly esteemed “matchmaker” reputation and cherished nickname, “Western Wedding University”, will not fade into the past but instead remain solidly intact for years to come.

ANNUAL ELLEN G. WHITE BOOK SIGNING

VERBATIM "'The Pleasure-Pain principle'-and feel free to call that the 'Taco Bell Principle.'" -Dr. Gottschell, on John Locke's Pleasure-Pain principle

"Maybe that's why my husband and I divorced." - Shirley Anderson on couples massaging each other.

“Always look. It’s worth it.” -Dr. Paul Dybdahl on finding a banded krait in his toilet.

"Life without Jesus is like ordering a burrito, but life with Jesus is ordering that burrito with a little guac on the side." -Pastor Alex Bryan

"No, no, the butterfly is IN your head. You have to squeeze." -Professor Dan Lamberton

“First, I asked you who had the cocaine, then I literally bought you drugs.” -Professor Onthank on seeing students passing money in Animal Physiology.

Hey heyyy, bless you all for the verbatims! You guys make looking at my school email a little less awful. So let me know at lauren.wahlen@wallawalla.edu if you hear a staff/faculty member say something hilarious or just plain dumb.

MARCH 31, 2017 AT THE XYZ STORE

editor-in-chief Matthew Moran

layout designers Anna-Marie Vargas Claudia Curtis Geoffrey Lopes Hannah Chebeleu

columnist Joni Harris

assistant editor Abigail Wissink

news writers Kyler Alvord Lauren Epperson

Fashion writer Angelica Chan

Creative director Frank Ramirez Head Copy editor Sophia Rich Life editor Micah Hall backpage editor Lauren Wahlen

Copy Editors Katherine Beckner Amelia Pekar food writer Mason Neil feature editors Michael Jensen Ysabela Ramirez Bryndilynn Goodlyn humor writer Micah Hall religion writer Vixie Bailey opinion writer Yvanna Hammen-Alvarez

Devotional writer Christina Moran

If you are interested in contributing to The Collegian, speak with one of our illustrious staff members. The Collegian is enhanced by regularly incorporating a wide range of campus perspectives.

Culture/travel writer Darling Su ACA/SM Editor Stephanie Septembre Science writer Jordan Brooks Creative writing editor Mac Ford

Cover Credit: ASWWU The Collegian is the official publication of ASWWU. Its views and opinions are not necessarily the official stance of Walla Walla University or its administration, faculty, staff, or students. Questions, letters, and comments can be sent to aswwu.collegian@wallawalla.edu or matthew.moran@wallawalla.edu. This issue was completed at 1:00 A.M. on Thursday, March 30 , 2017.

global service writer Daniel Villarreal Office Manager AnneMarie Vixie distributor Victoria Ico

The Collegian | Volume 101, Issue 14 | 204 S. College Avenue, College Place, WA 99324 https://issuu.com/aswwucollegian