Derbyshire brings luscious prose to a brilliant work of autofi cti on

by Heather McBriarty

“It happens like this, in fragments that come out of order, unruly, sudden, begging to be seen…”

There begins – foreshadowing the rollercoaster ride of –J.D. Derbyshire’s genre-defying debut novel, based on their award-winning, one-woman play, Certified. Should it be called a “one-person” play? Should we call them/her Jan? Janice? Joshua? In this brilliant work of auto-fiction, the author calls themself/herself all the above, moving fluidly up and down the spectrum of gender and pronoun use, as they relate different aspects and periods of their life, as a daughter, a wife, a mother, a lesbian, as a damaged and hurting human.

At the heart of this story is a 13-year-old “tomboy” with a distant alcoholic father and a mother who tries her best, a young teen who finds herself the victim of a sexual assault she cannot reveal to anyone. Therein is planted the seeds of a slow spiral into mental illness, alcoholism, broken relationships and years spent in and out of mental institutions, not always voluntarily. It is a story of mothers and daughters, of love and self-destruction. Ultimately, it is a story about a human being, after long years of struggle, finding the strength to accept themselves and not be controlled by the damages of their past, to forgive themself. As dark as this sounds, prepare to laugh, and be inspired.

I read this book in one sitting, drawn in by Derbyshire’s dark, erratic, illuminating prose. By turns hilarious, disturbing, insane and lyrical, wise, maternal, this book is like nothing I’ve read before. Their story is slowly revealed in bursts of foul-mouthed, manic rambling, in lists, in poetry and in deep, thoughtful, luscious prose that defies all genres and genders. Derbyshire welcomes readers into the carnival funhouse of their head, at times filled with horrors and at others with the stunning beauty of a simple, inconsequential moment.

Despite their trauma and struggle, at no time is the author self-pitying. Honest and matter of fact with their suicidal ideations, they are open about how slender a thread kept them among the living, as night after night, they were drawn to the escape of falling (not jumping!) from a nearby bridge. They give a voice to the despair, anger, hate and vulnerability of the clamour in their own head, the voices they, in the end, nearly tame and befriend.

Exploring as it does, in a merry-go-round ride you will not want to end, themes of gender dysphoria, queerness, pronouns, addiction, mental health, the Me Too movement and family disfunction, this book is as uplifting as it is provocative, as wise as it is chaotic, as funny as it is tear-inducing. But you will cry with Derbyshire not for them and come away from this book changed for the better. ■

HEATHER McBRIARTY is an author, lecturer and Medical Radiation Technologist based in Saint John, N.B. Her first novel, Amid the Splintered Trees, was launched in November 2021.

Mercy Gene

J D Derbyshire Goose Lane Editions