When Late Night Thoughts are Bourne

WHEN LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS ARE BOURNE FREDDIE BOURNE With

THERAPY’S BEEN GOOD; THANKS FOR ASKING

I'm not one to brag, but I’m totally killing it in my sessions. And by killing it, I really mean to say coming to terms with a lot of untapped thought residue that has lingered for the latter part of my 20s and been slowly creeping into the first three months of my dirty 30s.

And the dirt is history slowly repeating itself.

Several columns ago, I wrote about my impending journey back to losing weight and getting back on a healthy track. Since then I’ve been a yo-yo, going from eating clean to devouring massive buffet plates, working out for an hour a day to simply walking up the stairs on a Saturday.

One would have thought having a doctor insult you and tell you that you have traces of a fatty liver would scare you straight. But nothing fazes this bisexual ball of anxiety and trauma!

But the focal point of how all of this comes together is the impact of living through suppressed memories.

Most people are under the assumption that working out and eating healthy is hard work. And sure, it can be - especially for someone that hasn’t done physical activity beyond a gym class in school. But that isn’t the case for me.

When dealing with my grief, I decided to go on a quest to lose weight on my 170 pound, five-foot-eight frame. I wasn’t unhealthy and I wasn’t sick. I was hurt. Instead of having the pain in my head and my heart, I wanted to channel that pain through my physical being simply because I didn’t know what else to do.

There’s no book on how to deal with grief. So I decided that losing 40 pounds in four months would fix it.

And now, that’s all exercise is to me - a reminder of an unhealthy lifestyle despite achieving a surface-level image of what society dictates is attractive. Sure, I had abs and muscles. But I was a miserable drag. And unfortunately, I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the fact that the journey this time is different and I can change the narrative.

But, just like the healing process, it all will take time and patience. Just like my current therapy journey of finding positivity in my life.

I’m a work in progress. I have my flaws, and I definitely will fall again in some fashion. But, maybe I can do it with a smile knowing it’ll all pay off.

"SURE, I HAD ABS AND MUSCLES. BUT I WAS A MISERABLE DRAG. AND UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN’T SEEM TO WRAP MY BRAIN AROUND THE FACT THAT THE JOURNEY THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT AND I CAN CHANGE THE NARRATIVE"

PHOTO: EMILY PELSTON