tips on couple's cruising

Visit any cruiser haven around the world and you're likely to fi nd plenty of sailing couples whose liveaboard lifestyle appears to be simple, idyllic and carefree. Truth is, though, living full-time aboard a relatively small vessel and frequently doublehanding long distances on the open ocean are both physically and emotionally challenging, even for strong sailors with ultra-mellow personalities. For some fi rsthand insights into the issues surrounding this paradox, we tapped into the wisdom of a number of longtime cruisers whom we've gotten to know over the years. ment each other’s strengths, and we work well together. We both recognize that it was the failure of previous relationships that honed those skills and allowed us to recognize those important qualities in our partner. Understanding each other's needs and the dynamics of our relationship helps keep us together."

"Succeeding at liveaboard cruising is no different from what it takes to keep a relationship together ashore," says Bruce

Our fi rst question, "What do you consider to be the most important elements in making a longterm cruising partnership successful?" drew thoughtful, heartfelt replies: "Appreciation is key," say Alene Rice and Bruce Balen of the Cross 48 trimaran Migration. In 2005 they met online at 7Knots.com, and have since logged 60,000 miles together, including a North Pacifi c crossing from Japan to the West Coast last summer. "Respect for the other person and recognition of his or her contributions is essential for a good relationship, whether on land or sea. Each night before going to sleep, we tell each other something we appreciate about them. Sometimes it’s a big thing, sometimes it's simple, like "Thanks for cleaning up the aft cabin." It may be small, but hearing that you are appreciated, and remembering that you appreciate your partner, are crucial. "We are also fortunate that we are both good communicators. We comple-

"Don’t blame your partner if things go wrong — and things will go wrong!"

Powell of the Jeanneau 47 Calou. "That is, willingness to pursue a shared vision and common goals, and to subordinate the self to the importance of the family." Bruce, his wife Pascale and two sons have been cruising together since the 2006 Baja Ha-Ha. "We’ve logged about 17,000 miles, sailing the Ha-Ha three times, then the Puddle Jump to the South Pacifi c in 2011, followed by the passage to Hawaii, and back to San Francisco. Our sons were 12 and 8 years old when we started and are both now adults."

Dave McCampbell gives a boatload of new friends a joyride in the tropics. Interacting with locals plays a big role in the joy of cruising.

"Out here in SE Asia we see a lot of singlehanding old men looking for inexpensive bed warmers who don't care what a jerk the guy is," says Sherry McCampbell of the CSY 44 Soggy Paws. She and her husband Dave have been cruising together since 2006. They're currently in Eastern Indonesia, and this year they plan to visit Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands and Vanuatu, then head back to Indonesia by Christmas. "We've logged 40,000 miles together; more separately," says Sherry. "Keeping a cruising partner is a tough job and requires willingness, work and compromise. There are two books I always recommend when someone we know has a new partner: It's Your Boat Too (for women) and Getting Her Onboard (for men). "What has really worked for us is that we are both fully into this lifestyle. When we were introduced to each other by a mutual cruising friend, we were both looking for a longterm partner who wanted to do offshore cruising. I had about given up — the 'matches' on Match.com ended up being guys who owned a boat and were dreaming about going, but who ultimately never left home. At that point, I was getting ready to do it solo. I had my USCG Captain's license, ASA Sailing Instructor certifi cation, I was working on Dive Instructor certifi cation, and looking at boats. "Meanwhile, about that time Dave's former wife said, 'I'm not going on your circumnavigation.' So he was also looking for a cruising partner. "We both understood what it took, and saw that in each other. We managed to fi t in a little romance as well. "Of course it has taken some adjustment on both sides. Dave is a neatnik and I am a bit of a slob. However, our cruising skill sets complement each other, We've managed to hold it together and make it work, while having fun and seeing all these amazing places. We both love to travel, so if we weren't traveling on a boat, we'd be traveling on land. "We also both love scuba diving, so that is a whole other world we can enjoy together. "Dave is not a jerk. He's a bit hardheaded, but he listens when I have something to say, and we usually work out a compromise. And we each highly value the other's talents."

"David Presley and I are coastal cruisers," explains Susan Micheletti. "In the six years that we've owned our custom Frers 33 Pinnocchio, she has taken us as far north as Bella Bella, BC, and to date as far south as Barra de Navidad. "We’ve logged about 6,000 cruising miles aboard her, with our longest cruises being about fi ve to six months. "To us, the most important element

Thanks to mutual respect, Bruce Balen and Alene Rice have forged a relationship that's weathered 60,000 miles of cruising.

in making a cruising partnership successful is good teamwork! And clear communication, especially in intense situations. "Don’t blame your partner if things go wrong — and things will go wrong! Most importantly, have a good sense of humor. Laugh at yourself and each other. A personal goal should be to develop the ability to get along while traveling together in sometimes prolonged, uncomfortable, or stressful circumstances."

Having logged 17,000 miles together in the past three years, Leonie Deramus and Wolfgang Stoeffl of the Jeanneau 45 Sao Nicolau say the most important element for cruising success is "Having the same goals in life and in sailing. That is enjoying the moment, and being more concerned about safety and comfort than breaking records. Also, having the emotional maturity to appreciate each other’s strengths and weaknesses and to be tolerant of each other’s imperfections."

Kyle and Shelley Benger of the Dufour 45 Blowin' Bubbles have cruised together for 12 years, although the fi rst eight were part-time on the Great Lakes. Since leaving Canada in 2014, they've logged more than 25,000 miles while visiting 18 countries. During that time, they've spent a grand total of four nights apart. "To talk about elements of a long-term cruising relationship, you fi rst have to look at the kind of relationship you have before the great adventure," says Kyle. "Shelley and I were together a lot back when we were still dirt-dwellers. We have seen some real tension in cruising couples who suddenly fi nd themselves together in close quarters 24/7, after a lifetime of seeing each other only a few waking hours a day. So before getting on a boat, you really need to spend extended time together and see how it goes. "Apart from that, the things that keep us mostly happy are as follows: Trust. Without complete trust in each other you will never make it. I have always joked that I could never be a good liar because I have a lousy memory. Being honest with kindness makes close-quarter living possible. "Confidence. We always support each other. Even if we don't agree, we feel we have to be there for each other. "Patience. Sometimes we don't say or do something the way our partner would. It is important that we are open to more than one option. We also try to be understanding of each other's shortcomings. That's harder to do sometimes than it sounds, but it is really important. "We believe someone needs to be the captain. Like everyone else, we joke about the wife being the admiral, but actually we live by this. The overall command decisions like where we go and how long we stay are made (after discussion) by Shelley. The moment-to-moment boat decisions underway are made by me. There are times when we can't afford to debate. In those moments I am in charge. We can 'discuss' my decisions later. We have all seen couples who don't have defi ned roles — usually it becomes clear as they approach a dock! To be clear, it doesn't matter who has what role, but taking a role is important. We fi nd this

Sherry McCampbell shows off her catch of the day. She and husband Dave are slowly exploring the world's greatest dive spots.

really helps. "Having said all that, that everything be perfect kind commu- and completely ready, benication goes cause that state of perfeca long way. tion and complete readiness Taking into can never be achieved. You consideration just try to get 80 percent the type of of it done — hopefully the personality we most imporeach have, we tant things. each need to Then just imfeel heard and provise, and understood. most things "Also, I will work out. think what "Don’t inmakes cruis- sist on the ing work for perfect boat, us is that we just get what you can afford genuinely like and spend what you have to each other. We make it safe." joke that any idiot can fall Susan & David — "Go with in love, but it a simple and comfortable takes some boat that is physically and real effort to like each other. We have economically manageable, without the similar world viewpoints, and we try to need for additional crew. be respectful of our differences. We like "If you really enjoy sailing, go with a being together. You would be surprised boat that is fun to sail. how many people don't like their partner "Discuss and possibly agree on exas much as you'd think they do." pectations of how often you plan to be at anchor vs in a marina. Discuss and What advice does this disparate possibly agree on expectations of how long, how fast and how far you plan to cadre of cruisers offer? travel. Sherry McCampbell — "My advice to "Have adequate funds in reserve to women is to get themselves fully invested allow an occasional splurge or to manage in the adventure. Learn the skills you need to be confi dent on board. Many couples don't teach each other well, so as a woman, you may have to go off on a Womanship-type learning experience to gain confi dence. Join the Women Who Sail Facebook group. It's a great support group. Find something in the cruising lifestyle that excites you, whether it's travel, culture, diving, cooking, blogging, whatever. "Men, make sure your wife/partner feels comfortable, both in relation to skills and confi dence, as well as creature comforts. Living aboard long-term you can't be camping. So things like a big, comfortable boat (neat and in good shape), nice galley, large watermaker, good refrigerator with a freezer, are important for keeping that cruising partner happy. That doesn't mean just having them installed. It also means your being able to fi x the critical items yourself, such your engines, watermaker, refrig- the unexpected. eration, electrical, etc. "Before setting off for a long-term cruise, go on a couple of two- to three-

Bruce Powell — "My advice is to do it week offshore coastal trips to shakedown sooner rather than later, and don’t insist both the couple and the boat.

"Work together in planning your cruise, allowing input from each of you, and with both partners reading up on the cruising areas, " Alene & Bruce — "No yelling! Never. When we fi rst started sailing together, we agreed that we would communicate silently when anchoring. We devised hand signals that are easy for both of us to remember and use, and we switch off at the bow and helm so that we both understand the anchoring process fully. "Make sure you share the same goals. Susan and David are minimalists compared to Previous relationships taught us that some, but that helps their Frers one-off sloop you cannot base the success of a rela-sail fast and sweetly. tionship upon the other person changing. "Cruising is a great life for those who are passionate about it, but it is also hard and can be stressful. It will bring to the surface any issues in your relationship. You must be willing to communicate with each other respectfully and honestly, or you will both be unhappy. And that's just no fun." Leonie & Wolfgang — "If you both really like sailing, take some sailing classes so you both have a clue what to do on a boat. Daysail together, then do some overnighters and short cruises before crossing an ocean. "Be very clear about duties and expectations on board. "Make sure you give each other space, which is not easy on a boat 24/7. We have infl atable kayaks on board, which is a game changer! "And above all: Accept that there is no perfection in life or on a boat, enjoy the sunsets, and breathe! Kyle & Shelley — "Before setting out, a couple needs to be on the same page regarding the important things in life. Setting out on this adventure hoping it will fi x something, or make your relationship better will likely end in disappointment. During their years of cruising together, Wolf- The cruising lifestyle will test everything gang and Leonie have learned focus on fun and you think you know about yourself and safety, and keep the mood light. the world we live in. "Lastly, there are a bunch of life elements that will radically change in this lifestyle. I think you have to be prepared to change and adapt as quickly and as often as the tide does."

"Do it sooner rather than later, and don’t insist that everything be perfect." SAO NICOLAU

PINNOCCHIO

That all sounds like reasonable advice to us. Based on this writer's own experience, I would add that it's important that you allow each other to bring along cherished possessions, hobby supplies and/or creature comforts that will give them peace of mind during rough times, no matter how much space they take up, or how seemingly impractical. Also, don't be offended if your partner occasionally feels the need to escape to some private corner of the boat, simply to be alone with his or her thoughts. And don't sweat the small stuff. When living in such a small space, compromise is essential. As generations of sailors will confirm, full-time cruising to far-fl ung destinations with a partner you love often yields exotic experiences Kyle and Shelley share a and soul-deep love of voyaging and diving friendships in exotic waters. that would be tough to duplicate ashore. But it ain't always easy. As with any extended voyage, cruising as a couple is typically a blend of highs and lows. But going into it armed with realistic expectations — and the 'peacekeeping' techniques mentioned here — the months or years you spend cruising can be one of the most fun and fulfi lling highlights of a life well-lived.

CALOU

The Powell family celebrates their equator crossing during the 2011 Pacifi c Puddle Jump.

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