Notes From a Socially Anxious Queen By Alana McConnell (she/her), illustrated by Kwok Yi Lee (he/him)
Over lockdown, my social anxiety reared its unwanted and ugly little head. Along with a myriad of other issues that made themselves known, anxiety over my health, hopelessness, and alienation, the social anxiety felt the most present. As a social creature whose core desire is to feel safe and accepted, it’s affecting my life, behaviour, and interactions in a significant way.
Now, with everything coming to a standstill, the momentum has been lost, and I have felt like I’m in a constant battle with my brain.
Sometimes I forget about social anxiety. I can be extroverted and outgoing, and may at times seem relatively confident and cool-headed. Pre-lockdown I had an insane schedule, jumping from one work commitment to another, barely having time to sit still with my thoughts. Now, with everything coming to a standstill, the momentum has been lost, and I have felt like I’m in a constant battle with my brain.
I’ve always felt like a bit of an outsider. Loneliness has crept up beside me, and it’s been a difficult companion to shake.
I have experienced social anxiety since I was around 13. It’s overwhelming at different points, coming in hot when I am in foreign or unsafe situations. I first noticed it when I was rejected at school. I was so anxious I avoided going to school and ate lunch in the bathroom. When I moved schools, things improved markedly. I began to finally feel like things were back on track. My parents breathed a huge sigh of relief – they were so worried about me they got teachers to keep logs of how I was doing and report back to them. The wounds never fully healed though. My self-esteem took a massive hit, and now I still struggle with major self-worth issues. Over the years
Do all of us struggle with social anxiety to certain degrees? Probably. We all feel a little bit anxious or awkward in some social situations. It’s normal to care about other people’s opinions and perceptions of you. After socialising we may think “damn that really wasn’t my best work”, and proceed to pick apart everything we said or did. As experts would say, anything really becomes an issue when it starts to affect elements of your life. So though it’s normal to feel anxious at times, if the social anxiety is becoming debilitating, and results in you avoiding, or partaking in self-destructive behaviour, then it demands to be addressed. A few weeks ago I was playing Mafia in a group. I explained the rules and we had a mock game and then we started playing and someone else took over the role of narrator. As the game started, someone
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