Sex and Serenity Q&A

Sex and Serenity with Casta

I am the all wise and knowing hoe – I love sex and am here to answer any questions thank you for coming to my ted talk. By Casta Lawson.

Would you consider your virginity lost if you’ve only slept with females?

Yeah sex is sex, I mean some people who have only done anal still consider themselves virgins so… whatever you and your partner deem to count as losing your virginity counts.

I really struggle to make myself orgasm and my boyfriend feels like it’s his fault please help

Yeah I’ve never orgasmed, I’m with you there sis. It’s definitely not entirely the bloke's fault. Every chick is different with their orgasms and if they can/cannot. Maybe invest in a ‘Satisfyer Pro 2’ (they do wonders according to all my mates) and see if that can get you going first, and then take your boyfriend back down under and go from there.

How do I stop getting blue balled by the chick who's giving me mixed signals?

First off, it’s important to sit down and have a chat about where both your genuine interests are. Maybe she’s shy or just not interested. But if she’s still giving you mixed signals and wasting your time, hop on Tinder and find a new girl who won’t. If I was in your situation and some chick was messing me around like that, I would lose patience so quickly. She might be the most ideal girl in the world but it’s unfair on you to be waiting around for someone who is constantly giving you mixed signals. There are many more fish in the sea even though the Auckland Tinder scene is extremely dusty.

How to control jealousy in a friends with benefits situation?

I have been in this exact scenario many times and it isn’t fun. Jealousy can really ruin a FWB situation, especially if the other person involved has made it clear that they don’t want anything more. If you are finding that you get jealous, maybe it’s time to take a step back and ask yourself if a proper relationship is something you want to pursue with this person, and if so, it’ll come down to you guys sitting down and having a proper discussion. If you aren’t interested in that and just find yourself a naturally jealous person, then honestly have a nap. I don’t really know what else to say but letting jealousy get in the way can sometimes bring out the worst in people and can ruin a really good friends with benefits. It’s definitely something most people struggle with and it just comes down to knowing yourself most and knowing how to handle it I guess. Openness and honesty are the best ways to navigate these situations and maintain a good friendship/sex relationship.

How can you recognise a toxic dynamic while in a relationship?

I was very colourblind in my last relationship, so I never saw the red flags until after. If someone is trying to change you to suit their own wants and needs, then it’s a toxic dynamic. You get into a relationship with someone because you like who they are, not because they’re someone who you want to control or try to change. If you’re with a person who is showing signs of wanting you to change to suit them, I would advise you to either sit down and talk it out or just leave. It’s better to recognise and deal with these issues early on, rather than letting them fester and brew into something ugly that disrupts the balance of what could’ve been a perfectly good relationship. Don’t be afraid to put yourself and your own needs first.

My partner always wants round 2 when I can hardly handle round 1

If you can barely handle the first round why would you go for seconds? In all honesty though, if you’re only going for round 2 because you feel pressured to by your partner, then just don’t. My toxic ex (who we all collectively dislike) would often use the line “we haven’t had sex today, it’s like you don’t even love me.” You should never be put in a position like that, and if you are just say fuck

it and leave. Relationships aren’t just about sex and it can really ruin them if one person bases everything around that. In the case that you genuinely just can’t handle another round but want to, talk to your partner about maybe slowing it down and having a chill root as opposed to one that bears resemblance to rabbits reproducing.

Why do couples that date for years opt into threesomes or look for them via Tinder, etc.

Probably because they’re highly comfortable with each other considering they’ve been together for years, have extremely good trust, and want to try something fun and fresh. I would say if couples can willingly have a threesome then they’re very comfortable and secure with each other and themselves.

Is it possible to learn to love yourself while in a relationship?

I honestly believe it is very possible. The person that you’re with may even help you with that by introducing things they love about you that you never really took notice of. I think it can make it harder to maintain a relationship if you don’t fully love yourself because it can sometimes bring out the worst insecurities. Selflove is something we all struggle with, it’s bi-polar in the sense that it comes and goes unexpectedly. But don’t hold off on getting into relationships because of the phrase “how can you love someone else if you can’t love yourself.” Sometimes putting energy and heart into loving another person can help you blossom and flourish yourself.