To Love and Be Loved

Four Debate writers contemplate what relationships mean to them.

Illustration by Hope McConnell.

The Con of Codependency

By Marisa Aoys

Over my extensive 22 years of life I have figured out some major principles of life; you won’t be friends with everyone, your essay will not finish itself and recycling is more than just separating paper from plastics. But perhaps one of the biggest (and most easily forgotten) principles is that you can’t fully depend on others for happiness. Now before you accuse me of stealing a Cosmo article, hear me out. Relationships are great, or even fantastic if you find the right partner. But it’s when that relationship goes from cute and cuddly to needy and clingy, that's when you need to re-evaluate.

I always thought of myself as an independent badass woman who knew exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it. However, after ending a toxic three-year relationship, I realised I was quite the opposite.

Codependency creeps up on you. It starts off with daily texts or calls, which morph into weekly sleepovers. Suddenly, before you know it, you're doing laundry together and accompanying them to the dentist. We both maintained our friend groups and were keeping up with uni, so we didn’t see a problem seeing each other most days of the week.

It wasn’t until other areas of our lives took strain that we realised that our relationship was unhealthy. Late nights at work would lead to even later sleepovers and turbulent friendships would mean less friendtime and more bae-time. Our amazing communication skills turned out to be an indirect way of asking permission, by telling the other our plans and giving the opportunity to interject and change them if they didn’t like it. The constant presence made insignificant things blow out of proportion and suddenly; a missing HOP card become the biggest tragedy since 9/11.

Our emotions were so attuned with one another that we could subconsciously react to each other's feelings. They knew what I needed when I was sad and I could make them happy by doing certain things. While this sounds great in theory, in reality, not so much. We had depended on each other to change the way we felt in situations so much that if the other person wasn’t there, we couldn’t feel better. Essentially, we became dependent on each other for happiness.

While this wasn’t the only reason for our separation, it was one of the major components of it. We needed time to figure out how to depend on ourselves for happiness. Relationships are never easy, and finding a balance can be one of the biggest struggles. If you feel you can’t be fully happy without your partner, maybe it’s time to take a step back and find how to work on yourself.

Of Distance and Friendship

By Jake Kampkes

Your best friends are the friends that you spend time with.

This sounds a smidge obvious when written like that. Unfortunately for me, I took a long time to realise the importance of that statement. I learned that the hard way.

We’re going to rewind the clock to around two years ago. Past Jake was finishing his first degree, living in a flat full of close friends near Canterbury University. Past Jake was incredibly happy, spending lots of time with close friends he’d known for years. Having conquered university, he had Upward Mobility in mind. As such,Past Jake decided to move to the other side of town with his girlfriend to start his new professional life. He could, of course, just pop back across town to see his friends, couldn’t he?

It turns out that by moving across town, Past Jake isolated himself from his support network. The distance in kilometres and time, combined with the time pressure imposed by working, made it more and more difficult to see those people who fulfilled his emotional needs. Day by day, week by week, Past Jake laughed less. He smiled less. The less happy he felt, the harder it was to drag himself across town to see those people who could fix it. It became so bad that one day Past Jake ran away.

Three months later, Past Jake found himself in the Sunshine Coast of Australia with new flatmates. Their names were Kelsey, Rosie, Teague, and Adam. Despite having to work, those flatmates spent their time together, swimming, drinking and singing. They made each other smile and laugh. They were there when one of them needed to cry. For the first time in a long time, Past Jake found himself feeling happy again.

This experience taught me two things. First: think of your friends when moving. It’s more important to be close to your friends than to have a pretty garden. Second: make friends near you. Workmates, uni mates, or flatmates, these are the people who make up the most time in your day. Your life gets a whole lot better when you have good friends close at hand.

Loving from Afar

By Jennifer Daruwalla

I’ve always heard that the person you end up with is someone that you likely already know. Four years ago, I was 17; in high school, aimless, and honestly, quite miserable – love was the last thing I expected to find.

As it turns out, the man I am currently in a relationship with was my best friend all along. We’re basically a walking cliché, I know.

When he first asked to be my boyfriend, I had actually turned him down. Since he’s a year older than me, he only had a year of high school left, while I had two, and I wasn’t prepared to lose him to the notorious relationship-killer: long distance. It took some serious convincing on his part, and I’m so grateful to have said yes to him – eventually.

These past three years have been hard. He’s in California, while I’m in Auckland, which means our schedules are polar opposites. He goes to sleep when I wake up, and he wakes up when I go to sleep. There’s only a short window of time where we can actually talk, though it usually results in one of us staying up until 4am just to have a regular conversation.

To kick long-distance in the ass, we’ve had to come up with creative ways to keep the spark alive. Earlier this year, we both invested in The Sims 4 so that we could create a virtual life in our dream home (which we meticulously designed together!) despite being miles apart in real life. I know, it probably sounds weird, but it’s really helped us engage in otherwise underappreciated activities like walking around together, dining out together, working together and sleeping in the same bed – but virtually.

Something that really works for us is keeping each other on call all day – and I mean ALL DAY. Regardless of what time it is, or what we’re doing, it’s our way of feeling each other’s presence even when we’re going about our daily lives.

I’d prefer being with him in person. Obviously. I’d prefer to look at his face, touch his skin, kiss him, hug him – all instead of staring at a screen. When we do finally get to meet after months of separation, it’s like a honeymoon.

The stars shine brighter when I’m with him. Everything is just… better.

But when we’re stuck in two different parts of the world, it sucks. There’s no doubt about that. But if you have a counterpart who is willing to go through these tough times with you, I think you’ll have them for life.

The Non-Breakup

By Sarah Pollok

I was sitting alone in the kitchen when our song came on. Old tune, new tears, I guess it just took me by surprise this time. Humming absentmindedly until the memory grabbed me back and composure faltered from the head rush.

Because a moment ago I was in that kitchen, mind on some mundane assignment and the next I’m back in your beat-up car. We waste another slow summer day driving along the coast, no clue where we’re going but going there fast. Our skin still slick from the ocean and eyes wide and awake from the mix of salt and coffee.

See, we had that deal, you’d teach me surfing and I’d shout the coffee. I’m not sure if you could really call it surfing; I could never actually stand up on the board, but you’d celebrate with me like I’d nailed a seven-foot wave.

You were always good at that. Celebrating with me, or at least getting happily caught up in all of my excitement. I was a bit of a hurricane and you were the steady one and we worked so damn well.

But you’re with her now and I’m not allowed to be sad because they say you can’t miss someone you never had. Turns out that between the bold lines of big love lies a million different ways of being together and the pain of losing it may taste the same but they won’t let you call it heartbreak. So you’re left with all of the hurt and none of the words to make a little sense. Just a space where your person used to be.

It’s only afterwards they told me the lines were more blurred from where you were standing. I guess I’m sorry about that, but when we’d let alcohol pull our hearts through our mouths, you promised you would never leave me like the others did. Behind the late nights and bottled beer, I truly thought you meant it.

A little part of me hates how I still hope you’re happy, even though I can’t breeze in and out of your house or your life, like I used to. Some other girl is sitting in that passenger seat and I’m happy you have someone who is more yours than I was ever going to be. I guess I just can’t work out why you didn’t have enough space in your heart for us both.

I don’t miss you much anymore. It’s just that our song played out of all that blue and it made me realise those tightly packed feelings weren’t packed quite so tight yet. I know I was the one who said it was okay to step away, but I didn’t think you’d ever take me up on it. Didn’t imagine you’d make calling it quits look so damn easy.

I saw you last night and I’d say it was a sign, but our city is small and you always hung out around those parts.

Calling out your name, I ran over and gave you a hug. Made some easy joke that made you smile in that way that reaches all the way to your eyes. But then I blinked and you were still across the room, beer in one hand and that old film camera in the other. With my mouth shut and eyes down I left, putting years of honest conversation and long car rides behind us because boy, I’ll do small talk with anyone but you. I’ll throw words around about the weather and the weekend with anyone but the one who really knew me.

It’s a little city and I know I’ll see you again soon, so I’ll practise my ‘I’m so happy for you smile’ because I’m not allowed to miss you. Not allowed to have such a heavy heart from being alone in ways that don’t count.