Debate issue 8 by Debate Magazine

debate Issue 08 | APRIL 2014

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EDITORIAL

Hello folks, Welcome back! I hope your breaks went swimmingly! This year the stars and heavens aligned to give me three holiday days in one week. This meant that by taking just two days off, I was able to enjoy a 10 day holiday bonanza. Oh it was glorious. I spent it to the best of my abilities, hitting up Omaha, Tawharanui and Dunedin, adventuring to the full in the changeable autumn weather. Such fun. I told myself pre-holiday however that I would endeavour to keep up to date with work emails and casual writing but alas, I am merely human and did no such thing. If the quality of this week’s debate reflects this, I have no regrets. Over the past few weeks I have been subjected to many odd looks and quizzical comments regarding my choice of portable audio accessory, a Sony CD Walkman. Usually, I rock an iPod Classic but unfortunately, the headphone jack shat its pants a while ago and I haven’t gotten around to cleaning up the mess. I got my first CD Walkman in the late 90s. My Dad went over to Japan for work and spent the majority of his meal allowance on gadgets (what a guy) to fund that year’s Christmas. It was grey, Panasonic, and came with two rechargeable AA batteries. I must have only been eight or nine, but I absolutely cherished that thing; I took it everywhere. Music on the beach, up in trees, in the car, anywhere I could carry it. Without a light emitting display, I quickly learnt how to navigate all of its limited functions in the dark; volume, bass, skip, pause, shuffle.

Amazingly, that very same Walkman finally kicked the bucket just over a year ago, after a solid 15 years of loyal service – a pretty good effort considering I’ve had three iPods self-destruct on me in half that time. Thus, for the past year, I have been using a borrowed Sony Walkman but when the iPod threw a hissy, I decided it was time to replace the ol’ faithful Panasonic (RIP). To my absolute horror, I discovered CD Walkmans are no longer sold anywhere in New Zealand. I felt sick. Have they really become so obsolete? Even before my iPod broke, I would use the CD Walkman all the time – it just felt right. I’m big on collecting albums you see, and I’m in love with the ritual of it all; bringing an album home, admiring the liner notes, hearing the comforting whir of the spinning disc. It’s a journey, an experience. There are no temptations to shuffle or change artist for that would be as sinful as skipping a chapter or swapping books mid-story. On my commute this morn, I brought two albums for the journey; Songs for the Deaf and Thriller. I awkwardly swapped discs passing through Akoranga to the amusement of fellow passengers and then pushed through the very real struggle of fitting the massive gadget in my back pocket for the walk to work. As Eddie Van Halen’s guitar solo set my ears alight during Beat it, I imagined starting dance fights with streetwalkers. Sure the size is a little impractical, but with an experience like this, how can CD Walkmans be branded obsolete? CDs are still sold aren’t they? They still sound significantly better than MP3s don’t they? Yes, it’s pure science.

flustered by the rate at which technology’s advancement is making my perfectly functional gadgets ‘obsolete’. I do own a few of the newer gadgets mind you - a Kindle, iPod and cheap Huawei smartphone – but that doesn’t mean I don’t prefer paperbacks, CDs and home phones. I guess it comes down to convenience, portability and, dare I say it, size. In saying that, there is nothing more inconvenient on this earth than having your Kindle run out of battery mid-commute, nothing more frustrating than trying to socialise with friends who are multitasking with their Instagram feeds and nothing crueller than an iPod battery committing suicide the moment it goes out of warranty. Even though I wouldn’t classify myself as a chronic user, I still feel like I’ve now reached the stage where I am too wired into technology, too dependent on its presence in my life. I’d like to try and take a step back to untangle myself. We live in the age of convenience but as a consequence, we have a confused definition of necessity. Just because the internet is available via smartphones, for example, it doesn’t mean we ought to become a generation of thumbs, up-swiping feed after feed after feed. I reckon it’s time we take a step backwards, maybe five or ten years into the past, and pick up the home phones again, bring the CD Walkmans back into fashion and fold down the corners of pages in library books. All I need now is bigger pockets. Matthew

I’m all about iPods, don’t get me wrong. I’m just 5

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HOROSCOPES.

CATTIN'S KITCHEN

by Jess Forsman

Taurus (April 21- May 21) You are like a bull in a china shop this week. Chill out, happy birthday, so you are old, who cares? That’s what we have Botox and balaclavas for. Gemini (May 22- June 21) It’s still not okay to marry your pets, no matter how cute they are... I’m pretty sure it is illegal. sorry to break this to you. The stars have spoken. Cancer (June 22- July 23) The stars are pleased to see you out and about. However socks and jandals are still not the trend… And will never be the trend. Toe socks, on the other hand, are awful but practical should you choose to continue with this fashion statement. Leo (July 24- Aug.23) Lazy are we? Forgot important dates (Mum’s birthday)? It is important to have a lazy day, but this has gone on for a month. You need to have a shower and wash your clothes. Virgo (Aug.24- Sep.23) The stars find it kinda cute that you try and act all uppity with everyone. In fact everyone finds it cute, because everyone saw what you got up too on the break and it certainly wasn’t academic studying. Libra (Sep. 24- Oct. 23) Dreams about successfully robbing a bank does not translate to reality. No don’t try, you will lose.

Mama Bear’s Chunky Corn Chowder By Matthew Cattin The dream that was summer is now over and it’s time to start prepping your pantries for the cooler months. Corn chowder is one of my favourite winter soups; it’s chunky, filling and quick and easy to prepare. You’re welcome.

Scorpio (Oct.23- Nov.21) Eating your entire body weight in chocolate this week seems like a very good idea. Don’t. You will end up with no money, another addiction and the person you are keen on will see you smile a gruesome chocolate grin… Mmmnn tasty. Sagittarius (Nov.23- Dec. 21) Playing cupid is one thing, but actually aiming an arrow at someone’s butt cheek is another. This week avoid everything that could be a weapon… Invest in a straitjacket. Capricorn (Dec.22- Jan.20) Challenges are your thing and you can chug back a beer the fastest in all the land. Writing an assignment in half an hour on the due date however is not a challenge, it’s a fail. Aquarius (Jan. 21- Feb. 19) Don’t get out of bed this week… Whoops you’re reading this so you did. Regret it don’t ya? Go home, this is not the university you are looking for. Pisces (Feb. 20- March 20) You should clean your fish tank. You will not see oncoming traffic when you are too busy looking at your phone and taking selfies whilst crossing a road without holding mummy’s hand. Refrain from cellphone use in ridiculous places this week. ARIES (March 21-April 20) You are a goat, not the Hulk, so stop acting like him. He is actually quite nice. However, you, this week, are quite mean. Lay off the steroids.

• 2 large onions 2 tablespoons butter or olive oil • 2 medium-sized scrubbed potatoes • 1.5 cups of vegetable stock & 1.5 cups water • 1 can of creamed corn • ½ cup of water • 1 cup of milk 1/5 cup of either sour cream, cream, cream cheese or evaporated milk • Basil pesto • Salt & pepper • Chilli sauce • Bacon (optional) •

•

1. Chop the onions and sauté in the oil or butter until soft. 2. Cut potatoes into cubes (maybe 1-2cm) and add to the onions. 3. If you’re adding bacon, now is a good time to fry up your stash in a separate pan until cooked and set aside on a paper towel for later. 4. Add the stock and simmer for 5 minutes or until the potato pieces are nice and soft. 5. Add creamed corn, water from the can, milk and cream, sour cream etc and mix. 6. Stir in the pesto, bacon (optional), salt pepper and anything else to taste (I generally just go wild with mum’s seasoning draw). 7. Serve with a smile. 8. Await compliments for the best damn corn chowder your friends and family have ever had. 7

AN AUTUMN ADVENTURE IN CHARMING DUNEDIN by Matthew Cattin It was with tight-tummy trepidation that I left the safety of mum’s car for the bustle and flow of Auckland Airport. I always get a smidgeon of travel nerves, I think most people do. But, on this Thursday, bound for Dunedin, it was to be my (don’t laugh now) first time flying alone. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a sobbing mess or anything like that… It was just the little things… Like, would a flight attendant be assigned to watch over me while I worked on the Jetstar puzzle booklet on-board? And what if I got lost on the way to my departure gate and missed my flight? Apart from a momentary and minor freakout in which I realised I didn’t have my passport (before clicking seconds later I didn’t need it), the experience was peanut butter smooth. I bet all you seasoned travellers, you lone wolves who have been flying alone since climbing independently out of your mother’s wombs are scoffing into your travel knapsacks reading this but hey, you gotta start

somewhere right? And if a domestic flight to Dunedin is my first baby step into unaccompanied travel, then so be it. After reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea at 32,000 feet above it, I touched down late afternoon and reunited with my friend and tour guide Shinead, a student at the University of Otago. We shuttled back into the heart of the city and thus the adventure began. We enjoyed a hearty Korean meal on George Street (Dunedin’s equivalent of Queen Street) and then headed to The Bog, a filthy Irish pub across the road for pints of cider. Thus far in the trip, I had seen a disappointingly low number of mullets, goats, blue and yellow scarves and couch fires but the night was young and my hopes remained high. The following morning we picked up a rental car and set off for the Catlins, a destination I’ve had my sights on since seeing Bret McKenzie and Hamish Blake’s Two Little Boys. Dunedin however, seemed to have other plans for us, sadistic plans to keep us from leaving her boundaries. The first hurdle was a minor car collision, resulting in a significant delay, a lost hubcap and a downers feeling in our bellies. After clearing up the situation, we finally set off – much later than anticipated – to Dunedin’s Tunnel Beach. For those unfamiliar, it’s easily one of the sweetest spots I’ve been too;

a dramatic beach of pale cliffs, archways, caves and breath taking contrasts of emerald sea and brilliant green grasses. And what’s more, it comes complete with a tunnel that leads to the beach, commissioned by a politician in the 1870s so his family could get safely down to the beach for swimsies. Top bloke. If you ever get down to Dunedin, this is a must. On the 15 minute walk back to the car, we encountered our second instance of almighty bad luck – it absolutely bucketed down. Within minutes we were soaked to the skin, heads down against a bristling southerly. My only pair of shoes soaked through, my socks were ring-outable and my only long pants were written off as a soggy mess. Brilliant. We discarded our wets in the boot and continued, shoeless and cold. In true southern style, we hit up Balclutha supermarket in bare feet with trackies for Shin, stubbies for me. I tried not to cry whilst zooming through the cold isles so the locals would think me hard but I think they smelt the Aucklander pretentiousness on me the moment I set frozen foot in there. Dark times. We made it down to a tiny Kaka Point bach to find a key waiting in the sliding door, three heaters we deemed perfect for clothes drying and an outhouse – because nothing beats a freezing few steps to the shower and toilet. The changeable weather rolled overhead, creating false hopes

with every peek of blue. Ciders, albums and frozen feet on the windswept beach took up the evening and the following morning we checked out the iconic Nugget Point, a lighthouse surrounded by a smattering of little islands (nuggets?). It was a beautiful spot which provided stunning views to the north (sunny) and south (gnarly). Thus, we decided to head back up to Dunedin and explore a little closer to home rather than head deeper into the mouth of the stormy south. It proved a wise call and the sunny afternoon was not wasted upon us as we explored some of the coastline, Baldwin Street (the steepest in the world) and the botanic gardens. I felt like a tacky tourist with my trusty DSLR hanging from my neck but I tell ya, everywhere you look on a sunny autumn afternoon in Dunedin is begging to be photographed. Defiant yellow and orange leaves clung to a fading existence on skeletal branches and the air felt golden and fresh. After a soggy trip to the relentless Catlins (of which I vow to return to and explore thoroughly), lovely Dunedin felt like a home away from home, cosy and quaint. I’m sure it won’t be long until I plot my return to the quiet corner of the world known as Dunedin. But first I will have to check when mum next has a free weekend. 9

Jurassic Injustice. Moss Green Dilophosaurus Sweater by La Warecasa - $340. Charcoal Crossbones Snapback Cap by Tough Tykes Apparel $210. Scandalised look because I didn’t like my presents – Priceless.

Cupid’s Chokehold. Vintage Obsidian Triceratops T - $170. Lemon Chiffon Mullet Cap by fcuk - $90. Bow Accessory by Broken Heroes - $140. Chuffed expression because I’m not wearing pants – Priceless

Sunset Over Oahu. Avacado Hawaiian Shirts by Reyn Spooner - $540 each. Pokémon Yellow and Gameboy Colour Accessories - $380. Beating gym leader brock with my newly evolved Butterfree – Priceless.

A Successful Engagement. Aqua Turtleneck by Lacoste - $120. Mottled Polar by Hugo Boss - $320. Blood Equinox Wellingtons by Jimmy Choo - $840. Playdough Birthday Cake Accessory - $2.20. Graduating Clevedon Kindergarten with Honours – Priceless.

A Salty Disposition.

Azul del Mar.

Magenta Athletics T by Saucony - $130.

Vintage Panda T - $320 at auction.

Matching Beach Shorts by Saucony - $90.

Floppy Green Hat by Louis Vuitton - $200.

Practicing for the runway on Otamure Beach – Priceless.

Azure Swimwear by Ralph Lauren - $180. Having the legs to pull it off – Priceless.

Sorry, I’m Fashion Intolerant. By Matthew Cattin Fashion and I go together like sneakers and jeans. In case you didn’t know, as I didn’t for so many years, sneakers + jeans = a combo straight from the depths of fashion hell. The devil wears Prada? No. The devil wears sneans, and he rocks them. Anywho, like I say, we don’t get on so well, fashion and I. We have quite a turbulent history and I’m sure any psychiatrist would take no time in labelling our relationship as unhealthy. You see, I don’t put in the hours… I tune out whenever she tries to make a statement. I never fully understand what it is she is talking about until a few months later, but by then it’s too late. I guess the heart of our problem is I just don’t care about her… And in return, she makes me look a fool at every opportunity… It’s dirty tactics, I know, but I suppose that’s the price I pay for being an inattentive bastard of a lover. My first memories of clothes shopping were with mum. I’m sure you’ve all been there, waiting outside the changing rooms, damn near tears with frustration and boredom while mum tries on what feels like everything in the shop. And then there is that insistent, smooth-talking shop assistant who lays on the charm and flattery to keep mum in the shop… “Oh, those jeans would look great with this top, and oh my, it’s 15 per cent off today!” Dark times my friends… Dark times… I was the ungrateful shit of a kid that would get really upset if Santa delivered clothes for Christmas. To me, that was a wasted gift, a squandered opportunity for more toys. In fact I have distinct memories of writing “no clothes” on my wish list every year, underlined and bold, right up until the age of 15 I’d wager. It didn’t help things mind you; it only condemned me to wearing my brother’s hand-me-down polar fleeces for more years than I should have. I was not a well-dressed kid, oh no. I started dressing badly as far back as I can remember. My specialties were patterned polar fleeces the colour of vomit, flap caps, curly shoe laces, zip off cargo pants and “Jesus sandals”. Even at a young age though, I wasn’t completely oblivious to the fashion crimes I was committing and guilt would often drive me to “accidentally leave” these prized

items behind at the playground. My folks weren’t stupid however and would waste no time marching me straight back to search for the unlawfully ugly fashion sins. It just seemed royally unfair to me that the other kids were allowed to wear their flexfit caps backwards while I was stuck sporting a flap cap, a fugly mullet crown of thorns. But they were so practical weren’t they? They kept the sun out, and my self-consciousness in. Unfortunately, I didn’t leave the bad fashion sense behind with the hairless days of childhood. I still rocked the sneans like nobody was watching, I wore board shorts so bright and ugly the girls would blush and my favourite pair of jeans cost one dollar at a Rotorua opshop, were many sizes too big and were mostly likely last worn in 1996 when the owner, probably an overweight farmer, died in them. At uni, I can’t say I was any better, going more for the comfort approach than the smart-casual look so many others adopted. I was more of a trackies man myself. People would often ask me why I wouldn’t get on the skinny jeans bandwagon and it gave me endless delight to drop the stone cold truth, “Oh, my dick’s too big”. They’d never ask again. I guess the problem stems largely from the fact that for my entire adult life, I’ve harboured a crippling fear of clothes shopping. You might think I’m saying this for a laugh but really, it gives me the sweats. On the rare occasion where I find myself short of clothes, I have but no choice to venture into the alien environment that is Cotton On or Hallensteins (and yes, they are my go to clothes shops – judge me not). The moment I walk in, I feel awkward. Just one step into the shop, I’m confronted with the shittiest pop song known to man and I just about cut somebody. All around me cruises ‘cool’ guys, usually in twos or threes, going for their weekly spree. You know the type, wearing them shirts so low they look like dresses and rocking their Macklemore cuts and rolled up skinnies to show off dem ankles. I know it’s stoooopid and I suspect it’s possibly egotistical as well, but the moment I walk into one of them joints, I feel like every eye is on me. Not in a “whattup I got a big cock” way but more of a “they’ll smell the ugly on me like a squirt of Sex Panther” way. The other week,

I grabbed a few t-shirts from Cotton On. I took a girl with me in the hope she’d assist me doing fashion shit and because going alone is far too horrifying a notion. I didn’t time my excursion, but I’d wager it took me all of about eight minutes to find, try on and purchase four shirts. I was in and out like a fiddler’s elbow. When you analyse it, clothes shopping is a rather unique experience. When shopping for just about anything else, be it food, albums, gadgets, whatever, you don’t really consider how your purchases will affect how people judge your appearance. With clothes shopping, there’s this added element of having to judge whether the purchase enhances your own appearance. You are forced to look sceptically at your reflection and make a decision based on what you see. No, this makes my winter layer way too obvious… Or oh yes, ohhhh yes, can everybody see this? I look incredible. Perhaps it stems from my self-consciousness but I always feel a little odd about the selective process, but really, how many necessity purchases force you to judge your reflection? In hindsight though, I’m glad I was never a fashionable kid, because at the end of the day, being a kid is all about being a kid; games in the mud, finger painting and eating with your hands. It saddens me to think that some kids out there spend their time faffing about with their hair instead of filling it with cobwebs and twigs on adventures. Sometimes, when I pluck up the courage to leave the house, I notice fashionable kids strutting about with their parents, just young tykes of about seven or eight. It depresses me to see their little chinos, their converse shoes and gelled up dos. I don’t know if it’s a trick of the light or just my imagination, but it seems these particular kids have spoilt smirks permanently etched on their faces too, perhaps because they know they are better dressed than the scowling bearded thing walking down the sidewalk. I always wonder though how long they spend choosing their daily outfits and checking out their reflections. Is it their parents that force fashion upon them? Or their peers? Who knows. I’m just glad it wasn’t me. Thanks M & D for the flap caps, the vomit polar fleeces and the Christmas day Hawaiian shirts that matched my brothers. You did good.

NIFTY NEWS AUT Students Plant Seeds of Hope The four children they are focusing on are: • Chrystal, who is 16-years-old and has ovarian cancer - her wish is to go on a shopping spree with her mum. • Lauran is 11-years-old and has brain cancer. Her wish is to ride in a hot air balloon with her family. • Phillip is 8-years-old and has a rare form of cancer. His wish is to attend a Sydney Roosters training session and meet Sonny Bill Williams. • George is 17-years-old and has a blood disease. His wish is to own a sound mixer so he could play at church and events. George has been granted his wish and got to play live on the Edge radio station. By Teagan Adams Wishing Tree is a group of five students studying event management at AUT. For their first live event, they aim to raise $500 for MAKEA-WISH, charity that aims to grant the wishes of children with life threatening medical conditions to provide hope, joy and strength at a very challenging time in their lives.

To reach this fundraising goal, Wishing Tree is carrying out a live and virtual event. The virtual event is through the website ‘Everyday Hero’ where donations can be made online to help Wishing Tree reach $500 (https://give. everydayhero.com/nz/wishing-tree). If the goal is not attained, you pay nothing and if it is, the amount will be debited to MAKE-A-WISH. The real life events will take

place twice throughout May. At each event, three large boards will be set up with a tree on them and people are invited to write on a post it note what they would wish for if they had one wish. This is inspired by the Candy Chang ‘before I die’ boards in America. Participants are then welcome to make a donation either in cash or online through the Everyday Hero site. There is also the opportunity for people to have a photo taken of them and their wish, which can be uploaded to Wishing Tree’s Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/ pages/Wishing-Tree/234318513442124). When: 14th and 21st of May 2014 (Rain dates: 16th or 21st May). Where: To be confirmed Alongside this event, there are multiple other Event Production teams also fundraising for MAKE-A-WISH from 9th-31st May 2014.

Otago University Students “The Freedom Hunters” Make It to Berlin paid for our bus tickets to Prague. It was this huge act of kindness to pay it forward, and now we all want to do the same.” The 100 teams were selected by a jury based on their desire for adventure, ability to charm and display of overall energy. “The Freedom Hunters” started their journey from London, one of four iconic start line landmarks including Paris, Milan and Vienna.

On April 4, 100 university teams from 27 countries around the world set off on the journey of a lifetime. With Red Bull cans as their only currency, the students travelled over 1000 kilometres across Europe in just seven days. Team Wooz from Koc University in Turkey has been crowned the first Red Bull Can You Make It? Champion. Otago University Students “The Freedom Hunters” were the only Australasian team chosen to compete in the adventure. In

true kiwi spirit, the team performed well, placing 4th for the number of cans earned (276,) and placing 6th for the distance travelled per can (22km.) “I can’t believe we travelled to six countries in seven days with no cash! We are completely overwhelmed, and the party was insane,” says team member Tish McNicol. “We were stuck at a petrol station in the middle on Lanz, when an Austrian man offered to take us to the next checkpoint, took us all out to lunch, and then

During the seven-day journey, competitors were not allowed to use cash or credit cards, and instead had to trade cans of Red Bull for transportation, lodging, food and other necessities in order to reach the finish line in Berlin. Teams managed to trade Red Bull for more than anyone imagined, including Champions League Football tickets, a ride in a private jet and even an indoor sky dive. The team who travelled the furthest distance in seven days, reached the most checkpoints, used more transportation methods and rallied the greatest support would be deemed the winner. On redbullcanyoumakeit.com, all of their incredible stories, photos, videos and adventures from their journey are published. The 100 teams concluded their journey with a final celebration of their accomplishment together.

Lovenotes and Hatemail

Want to whisper a sweet nothing in our ear? Or would you rather scream hateful somethings at us? Either way, email us at mcattin@aut.ac.nz., or drop your letter off to the AuSM office. We look forward to hearing your judgement of us!

To Ethan Sills, Yes, you did come off as a grumpy old man in your "Cinema Etiquette" article. I've never known anyone to have standards on how to behave when watching a movie. Let’s just hope that the day never comes where I'm stuck in the same cinema theatre as you. Mainly because: Firstly, you'd probably want to run me over with your car for laughing too loud and too frequently. If you have a problem with frequent loud fits of joyful laughter then perhaps comedy just isn't for you. Maybe try something along the lines of Paranormal Activity or The Exorcist - that's only if you don't have standards on how loud and frequently one can scream. Perhaps we can redirect your "Laugh with your mind, not with your mouth" rule of etiquette to apply only to funerals rather than cinemas. It makes more sense that way. Secondly, I highly doubt that someone has chewed their popcorn or slurped their drink so loud as to completely ruin your movie experience (and if on the off chance that this has happened then perhaps it says about more you than it does them). They paid for their food so they sure as hell are entitled to eat it however which way they please. Loud or otherwise. Lastly, I did enjoy your article however I am of the opinion that you would be better off in the privacy of the Deluxe screenings, away from those of us whose mannerism aren't up to your standards. Trust me, if those are your ideals for how to enjoy a movie then you, my friend, will be disappointed every time. Regards, Kell Ps- you'd most probably not survive the first thirty minutes in a cinema full of Pacific Islanders. Just saying. Pps- I did enjoy your article titled "Celebrating self - A Night at the

Oscars" from Issue two so I guess technically this is a lovemail as well. Dear Kell, Your complaints are fair, I will admit that some of my suggestions were a tad stuffy; however, I do not take any of them back. We all have our own things that bother us, and I am quite fine to say that I have been trapped next to strangers for two hours at the movies who laughed every few seconds when no one else in the theatre is, and it can be very annoying. I once had an entire row of people in front of me passing large packets of chips and chocolate biscuits in those crinkly plastic holders between each other for the majority of the movie, and my friend and I, as well as the other people in our row based on their looks, found it very distracting.

maybe even when I don’t go to AUT, I’ll sneak in and grab one. My mum thoroughly enjoys it too, always comments on your articles. She thinks they are the best. Happy Christ may or may not have died and been resurrected day (or is that Sunday? But really who are we kidding) but yay chocolate in a different shape that costs thrice as much. Ps had to dig out the street sharks article for another read. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. PPS this isn’t such a little note anymore... If I was to contribute do I just send it through to you? You probably get asked all the time. Was just thinking small bit of poetry or something…

The point of the article was just to be more considerate to your fellow movie goers, and that you and your friends/ family/partner/phone aren’t the only ones there. You may roll your eyes at those two points, but if you ended up sandwiched between strangers, one who has a dozen things of food and drink and another who laughs every few seconds at every joke whether funny or not, I doubt you would be so scornful.

Cheers, Karina

Thanks for my first hate mail,

You’re right about the street sharks… In fact just before sitting down to write this, I walked past four, I kid you not, FOUR World Vision sharks standing there on the corner by the AUT Marae. What made matters worse is that I was clutching a Starbucks drink with whipped cream and caramel on top (because it’s deadline and I like to carb-load so I don’t get depressed). Point being, I must have looked a right tool strolling by with my excessive treat in hand… But hey. I kept my eyes to the front, put on my ‘don’t mess with me’ expression and walked by unscathed.

Ethan PS Glad you liked the Oscar article Just a little note to say thank you for debate. Every week I pick one up without fail. I love everything about debate issues (except for one article about not needing feminism) ( note: not highly feminist myself, but I do feel fiery when I hear anything against it) anyway... So yes, most of the articles are insightful and always get a little public or private giggle outta me (depending on where I’m reading it) . There is something inclusive and wholesome about debate and

Hi Karina, Thank you for taking the time out of your ‘Christ may or may not have died and been resurrected’ weekend to send us this delightful letter. Your compliments are very much appreciated. I am delighted to hear that my own mother is not the only one who enjoys a read of debate.

YES. Send through any contributions to me. I will be eternally grateful. Thanks! Matthew.

- Kill, Bang, Marry 1980s Bad-Ass Cop EDITION By Louise Stone The rules are simple. You are given three people and have to decide which one you would kill, bang and marry. Explain your choices. Today’s choices: John McClane (Die Hard); Martin Riggs (Lethal Weapon); Alex Murphy (RoboCop) Remember – this is the characters, not the actors who play them.

Kill: Alex Murphy I know it’s hard to kill RoboCop, but kill him I shall. I’m going to be quite frank here, I am a specieist – I don’t trust robots, even if they have the face of a man. And after watching the Terminator series, how can I be expected to? The machines will one day rise and attempt to overthrow us. Vending machines will refuse to give us our candy-bars, laptops will destroy gaming discs and webcams will take embarrassing photos of us picking our noses and post them up on Facebook - subjecting us to hunger, boredom and ridicule. As you can imagine, it will be apocalyptic. Rant aside, the point is this; RoboCop cannot be trusted. He will one day find a way to override his directive programming and I’ll be damned if I going to risk this uprising to occur during my marriage – or worse, sex. Apart from my severe trust issues – the other obvious reason RoboCop and I could not wed – let’s be honest: He’s more machine than man now (wrong movie, I know, but my point is still valid). Essentially, I would be marrying/banging a slightly-less scary Disney rollercoaster animatronic. Can you imagine what this would do to my impeccable reputation? Exactly. Finally, for those of you who may be thinking that making love to a machine is a wonderful fantasy – think again. For starters, I don’t believe RoboCop can control his overall body temperature – so the dude would be ice-cold. And sure, you may experiment with ice-cubes every now and again, but the entire love-making session? No thanks. And before you even say ‘but Louise, he’s basically a multipurpose sex toy’, you’re wrong (again). RoboCop was designed to take down criminals; I hardly think he comes with a built in lube-dispenser and a dildo that doubles as a police baton. Ladies and gentlemen your fantasies will remain unfulfilled. Sorry RoboCop – you gotta go.

Bang: Martin Riggs

Marry: John McClane

Martin Riggs, while not marriage material, is definitely worth a bang.

In this scenario I’ve saved my ring finger for John McClane.

The guy lives in a trailer next to the beach – talk about setting the mood. Let’s face it, how many of us get to say we did it in a trailer? Just add it to your wealth of experience. Plus the location opens up a whole new world of beach-related sex fantasies, just waiting to be acted upon. Kill two birds with one stone.

We’re all thinking it: marrying McClane will legitimately allow me to use the phrase ‘Yippee ki-yay motherfucker’ wherever and whenever I want. And there are so many places I want to use it! In the office, at parties, in the bedroom, at the damn wedding – it’s so versatile. This alone would make the marriage awesome.

But why can’t I marry him, you ask? The guy lives in a trailer next to the beach. Sure, having sex in a trailer is one thing, but living in one is a whole new ball-game. The type of ball-game that I wouldn’t even watch on television, let alone participate in myself. And the beach thing? Not so great. Just imagine, SAND EVERYWHERE. I mean, on you, in you, under you – everywhere. And the worst place? In between the bed sheets. You think the occasional cookie crumbs are annoying, trying living with permanent sand-grit. You’ll be calling the divorce lawyer after five minutes.

Holidays will never be boring. I’m sure the occasional threat on my life would spice things up a bit. Plus, being kidnapped and held hostage by international terrorists is a great way to get out of familial obligations. No more awkward family dinners with snotty-nosed kids, and no more disappointing sweaters for presents. Score bitches.

Next on the list, ‘Lethal Weapon’ puns in the bedroom. This alone justifies my decision. You don’t think so? Well, it’s okay for you to be wrong. Just try not to do it again. Reason number three - excitement. When a man has climbed to the top of a building to attempt suicide, what does Martin Riggs do? He climbs to the top, has a smoke, handcuffs himself to the guy, and throws them both off the building. Sure, there was a safety air-cushion below, but like the would-be-jumper says – Martin is crazy. I’m sure he can channel that craziness into the bedroom. Better make sure he brings those cuffs with him too.

John strikes me as a pretty low maintenance husband – which is a win for me. At the end of the day, after kicking-ass and saving the city, all he really needs is cold beer, a cigarette, and a hot meal. If I had married RoboCop, I’d be forced to oil his gears every night, and then buff the amour. Screw that. Finally, John is a pretty damn dedicated husband. I mean, he could have hidden in an upper level toilet and cried like a little girl when Alan Rickman came to visit. But he didn’t. Despite the fact that his marriage was on the rocks and he wasn’t wearing any shoes, he sucked it up, saved the entire building and stopped the bad guys. Dedicated much? That’s the kinda guy I’d wanna marry.

Hey All, My name is Vinay, I’m the Volunteers & Clubs Co-ordinator at AuSM. My job at AuSM is to make sure students supplement their education with more than just lectures and studying. Socializing is a key factor of any university experience. AuSM’s aim is to make sure you look back at your university experience as the best days of your life! University is a great place to find like-minded people to connect with and create changes that you want to see. There are two amazing ways to supplement your education with fun & socialisation. These are to either join the AuSM Volunteer A-team or to start or join an AuSM club!

AuSM Clubs Did you wake up last night in a cold sweat? Did those voices you ignore in your head finally say something that made sense to you? Have you just had the idea of a lifetime? Make that idea a reality by starting a club with AuSM. Creating or joining a club is the best way to expand your idea and start paving the path of your future. Whether you want to meet and socialise with people from the same cultural background or religion, develop your entrepreneurial skills or release some university stress on a football field or the dance floor, AuSM Clubs have something for everyone. AuSM is committed to providing and supporting a range of interesting and exciting clubs on campus. Clubs are open to all AUT students. You are welcome to attend club meet and greet events, check out Clubs Days on every campus, make an appointment with myself or check out the AuSM website to find a directory of all active clubs.

AuSM Volunteers – “The A Team” Just about to finish your degree? Are you a wide eyed optimistic student with your whole life ahead of you? Do you have an inner voice that tells you to put on tights and save the world? Have you been gifted with powers greater than any mortal and have been looking for a way to use those powers to benefit of your fellow human? Why not try volunteering with the AuSM A-team. Volunteering has a meaningful, positive impact and as an AuSM A team volunteer you develop invaluable skills that benefit both you and your community. AuSM provides you with the perfect opportunity to get some of that “real life” experience that employers are looking for in university graduates. Volunteering with the AuSM A-team will provide you with opportunities and skills that most students enter the work force without. The AuSM Volunteer programme is an ideal way to expand your work portfolio and to gain a real insight into your chosen path. We currently have heaps of opportunities available for you to get active within your community, gain some life skills and make some friends. For more information about AuSM Clubs or Volunteers check out: www.ausm.org.nz Or contact Vinay Gobindlal AuSM@AUT Volunteers & Clubs Coordinator vinay.gobindlal@aut.ac.nz +6499219999 ext 8911

UPDATES Battle of the Bands is back! The first heat is happening this Thursday night at Vesbar, 7pm. Are you a solo performer or member of a sweet band? Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s still not too late to register with AuSM now and take part in the Battle of the Bands! The winning team will spend a day recording in the Red Bull Studios and even get a slot to play an AuSM Event in 2015!! Sign up now! For more info: http://bit.ly/ausmbob14 2014 AuSM Pool Competition Play pool like a pro? This is definitely something you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to miss! Email Kyle at kyle.richmond@aut.ac.nz to register and let him know which heat you would like to take part in! First heat will kick off 14th May! We have three heats in May before the final! Visit our AuSM Facebook Event page for more info. https://www.facebook.com/ausm1/events Creative cat? If you fancy yourself as an artist or designer, send our graphic designer, Ramina an email at rrai@aut.ac.nz and you could be featured in an upcoming debate mag! Need a job? Student Job Search is the best place to find a job while studying, hit up www.sjs.co.nz

STAR WARS

CHEWBACCA DARTHVADER DEATHSTAR EMPIRE EWOKS

FALCON FORCE GALAXY HANSOLO JABBA

JANGOFETT JEDI LUCAS LIGHTSABER OBIWAN

PRINCESSLEIA SKYWALKER TATOOINE WOOKIE YODA

Circle all the words in the Star Wars Wordfind, tear this page out & pop it into the box on the side of the red debate stands, and you could win some super neat-o prizes! Tooooo easy! Winner will be notified by email.

Name:

Email:

source: http://www.imdb.com

STAR WARS: DID YOU KNOW? George Lucas was so sure the film would flop that instead of attending the premiere, he went on holiday to Hawaii with his good friend Steven Spielberg, where they came up with the idea for Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981).

Harrison Ford deliberately didn't learn his lines for the intercom conversation in the cell block, so it would sound spontaneous.

Darth Vader has only 12 minutes of screen time IN 'A NEW HOPE'.

In early drafts of the script, R2-D2 could speak standard English, and had a rather foul vocabulary. Although all of Artoo's English speech was removed, many of C-3PO's reactions to it were left in.

Kenny Baker has said that often when the cast and crew broke for lunch, they would forget he was in the R2-D2 outfit & leave him behind.

According to an interview with George Lucas, originally Luke was a girl, Han Solo was an Alien, the wookiees were called Jawas, and R2-D2 and C-3PO were called A-2 and C-3.

Mark Hamill held his breath for so long during the trash compactor scene that he broke a blood vessel in his face. Subsequent shots are from one side only.

According to Mark Hamill, studio executives were unhappy that Chewbacca has no clothes and attempted to have the costume redesigned with shorts.

The lightsaber sound effect is a combination of the hum of an idling 35mm movie projector and the feedback generated by passing a stripped microphone cable by a television.

Several Ewok lines are in the Filipino (Tagalog) language. Most Ewok lines, however, were inspired by the Kalmuck language, spoken by nomadic tribes living in Central China.

Tupac Shakur (a Star Wars fan since childhood) expressed interest in reading for the role of Mace Windu, even lobbying mutual friends of his and George Lucas' to get them in touch with each other to set up a meeting so he could read for the part, but his tragic murder in September 1996 prevented any such meeting from taking place.

BY RAMINA RAI

CROSSWORD

Across 2. PROCRASTINATE 3. CROATIA CAPITAL 7. SUMMIT 10. WORLD'S BEST SELLING ALBUM 11. COMPONENT OF TABLE SALT 14. LIBERATE 15. SHITTY POKEMON RIPOFF 16. TRANQUIL

18. DANGEROUS 19. WIZARD PRISON 21. VODAFONE WARRIOR MANU ... 23. LARGEST HUMAN BONE

Down 1. BEST FACIAL HAIR STYLE 2. SONIC VILLAIN 4. KNACK

5. STELLAR EXPLOSION 6. DRIFTER 8. UOA STUDENT MAG 9. FINLAND CAPITAL 12. TALE 13. BACK TO THE FUTURE CAR 17. DANGEROUS BOARD GAME 20. CCR SONG 'BORN ON THE ...' 22. WORLD'S MOST USED CAMERA 24. FAMOUS INTERNET CAT

Glee Club Auditions: All Stereotypes Welcome.

By Luseane Tupouniua. We’ve all seen it on posters and social media, heard it on talk shows and read it in articles, whether you’re a fan of musicals or not, everyone has heard of Glee! The musical TV show that bought people of all shapes and sizes together in a series of sing along pop songs, never ending story lines and a whole lot of stereotypes. If you’re a GLEEK or just a casual fan like myself, you could probably match someone you know in real life to a couple of the characters in the show. If you aren’t, here are five stereotypes I picked up from watching.

you can give fictional characters… smh…). In one episode Mike gets an A- (aka “the Asian F”) and his whole world comes tumbling down in a dramatic ordeal that results in him getting daily drug tests because he can’t tell his father his passion is dance, not everything his daddy failed to be. I know for sure not all Asian parents are like this but hey! It’s been televised so much we start to believe what we see. I’m not saying all Asian parents are kick back either but heck, I’ve watched it so much on TV I was stupid enough to ask one of my mates “bro do you get hit when you don’t get an A+?” The look on her face... I’m an idiot, I know.

fashion obsessed and very emotional to the point where I’m on the verge of changing the channel every time he sings high notes. He loves makeovers, dance routines and is often the first port of call for girl friends seeking advice on boy troubles. Of course there exists gay men like Kurt, but the majority of the gay men I’ve interacted with are not effeminate at all and yet Glee chooses to use this very effeminate Fox-friendly stereotype to portray that side of the fence. It’s no wonder why many straight bigots think all gay men are flouncing queens when characters such as Kurt are represented as such on TV.

Finn Hudson- The Sensitive Jock Mercedes Jones

Brittany Pierce – Dumb Blonde.

– Sassy/ Ghetto African American.

Just when you thought someone couldn’t get any thicker, they created Glee and this particular character! OMG and the fact that she is a blonde cheerleader makes it so sad that you begin to feel sorry for her. Like everything else we’ve seen in the past, the blonde cheerleader uses her body to get the attention of men and dances so amazingly she could be mistaken for an expensive stripper - but that’s all there is to her. As much as you want to hate Brittany for being portrayed as the obvious dumb blonde whom everyone takes advantage of, you can’t, because her very few lines are the ones that make you laugh the most. However, of all the characters on Glee (or on TV full stop), Brittany is certainly in my top three for dumb.

Mercedes is the typical black gospel female character whose voice is so big and loud she hits every high note nobody else can. And to be even more on point, her name also happens to be Mercedes, of course, because the show wants to perpetuate the idea that black people use brand names for their children. Her character in one episode also wrote and performed a song called Hell to the No, a song about changing her weave and not wanting to get out of bed or wash her "grandma's nasty head”. That particular part had me rolling in laughter! Where your weaves at girl? And to give the character that extra black swag, they had her dancing around shaking her finger and twisting her neck in the stereotypical black diva fashion! I’m not one to judge but one look at her character’s attitude and you know she’s from the ghetto.

Mike and Tina Chang – Smart Asians with the Same Last Names.

Kurt Hummel

Perhaps one of the most over-used stereotype in the history of storytelling; the manly jock who turns into the biggest teddy bear that doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, yet he allows all the effed up stuff to happen before he man’s up and says “STOP” to the abuse. I’m falling asleep just typing about it because it’s that predictable. Finn is one of the nicer guys in the football team so I guess he was meant to be seen as the cool jock that got even cooler after joining the Glee Club. Way to go Finn for joining something that is normal everywhere else, except America! Anybody heard of the choir? Despite starting off as a cute dickhead, Finn’s character did develop into someone admirable. It was hard to hate him and all the other sensitive jocks throughout this show because what can I say? Everybody loves a bad boy who gets whipped! Personally, I like Glee because it combines everyone you would never see in one room together having a good time singing music; gays, lesbians, pregnant teens, Asians, disabled, socially awkward, blacks, cheerleaders, jocks, and nerds just to name a few. By portraying them in the stereotype of which they've been classified, the creators of Glee are trying to show that there is more to their personalities than just the stereotypes. And that is exactly what you see; it isn’t until you take the time to criticize each character you realise the stereotypes that come with them. In general though, it is a funny and well put together show. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea… But it is tolerable.

-Fashion-obsessed, Effeminate Gay Guy. In stereotypical Asian fashion, getting A+ grades is a must, another typecast perpetuated in Glee. Not only does Mike have to deal with his strict dad, he also has a girlfriend called Tina who shares the same LAST NAME (because there’s obviously a shortage of Asian names

If you’re like me then you probably have an odd circle of friends from geeks to gays to gym junkie rugby players. I consider the gay men in my life to be some of my best friends; however, they are far from what is portrayed in Glee. Kurt is snappy,

HOW TO MAKE A PINHOLE CAMERA

Step One: Carefully cut the top and bottom off the soda can with the craft knife. Make a vertical slice and open up the can. Step Two: From here I used my scissors for more control. Trim the rough edges of the can, and cut the rest of the can into approximately one inch square pieces.

By Shannon-Mae Read Learning how to make a pinhole is only the beginning in a beautiful and enchanting world of pinhole photography. It is a simple tool that can help transform almost any household object into a working camera full of chance and endless possibilities.

Step Three: With the pin put downwards pressure in approximately the center of the aluminum square. Twist the pin while pushing to ensure you create a clean hole.

You will need: 1. Cutting mat 2. Craft knife/scissors 3. Clean soda can 4. A pin If the pinhole is clear and looks similar to this, then youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re done! Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s really that easy. Stay tuned for next week when I explain how to turn these pinholes and a plain old soup tin into an anamorphic pinhole camera!

Make Sure You’re in the Right Seat By Kiwa Huata Many have taken to social media sites to raise the issue of women sitting in the front row of a pōwhiri. This all came about when two female members of Parliament arrived late to a pōwhiri and found the two closest available seats in the front row. This behaviour caused a stir in the Māori community creating a whirl of riots; some feeling disrespected and dishonoured by the fact that they did not uphold Ngāti Awa tikanga. Others went on air to publically announce these protocols must change in order to fit the new age we currently live in. Rejection of Māori women’s voices goes well beyond the argument surrounding speaking rights on the marae. In spaces outside the marae, reflections on roles and positions and who is able to speak also impacts on Māori women. Numerous examples occur daily. I have witnessed schools and classrooms turn into quasi-maraes, where only boys are given the right to whaikōrero, even if that means choosing a boy with little to no reo understanding over an adult Māori female teacher. I have attended conferences in the marae where Māori women struggled to be heard by their own people. It is argued that these influences have a significant role to play in the under-representation of Māori women in decision-making processes. For years now I’ve wondered, what would happen if each iwi changed its protocol to ensure both men and women had the opportunity to sit at the front row of a pōwhiri and whaikōrero? In some tribes men have been at the forefront of the powhiri for centuries. Men sitting at the front represent their commitment to protecting women, children, iwi and hapu. By upholding this tikanga, it is a sign of respect to our tīpuna who created a system for Māori to connect with other iwi and hapu. By allowing women to sit in the front, this embraces change. We’re in a new age where we must suit our practices to fit the needs of today’s sovereignty. If Māoridom is to develop, we cannot expect a different outcome with the same practice. The marae ātea is considered by some hapu and iwi as the terrain of Tūmatauenga, and therefore the domain of men. However, it is stressed that not all iwi follow this agreement. Ngāti Porou, Ngāti Kahungunu, Te Whānau a Apanui are iwi that have history of Māori women speaking on the marae ātea. Furthermore, Ngāti-Tahu-Matua believes it is the tuakana that is expected to speak on the marae, and if the tuakana is a woman then she is expected to fill that role. Many women fought in wars, spoke on the marae and sacrificed their needs for the betterment of their iwi or hapu. Rongomaiwāhine, Hinetāpora, Te Puea Herangi, Te Atāirangi Kāhu just to name a few. However, during colonized years, Pākeha only wanted to trade with men, which left many women (and high ranked women) out of the discussion process, devaluing their mana. In the early 1900’s, Kahungunu and Porou women earned the right to speak on the paepae. It was never a right for them. It was a privilege

which they rightfully and diligently earned. Today, Kahungunu females are encouraged to whaikōrero in Kura Kaupapa. In fact, for some it’s a daily practice. The moral of this story is simple; women are in a day and age where they can fiercely protect themselves physically, spiritually and mentally. Whaia McClutchie and Mihi Kōtukutuku of Ngāti Porou and Niniwa-i-te-rangi of Ngāti Kahungunu were renowned for skills in whaikōrero. However, many media have overlooked the fact that we would be more accepting towards a Pākeha male - with very little or no understanding of Māori - to sit in the front row over a Māori women who has dedicated her entire life to Maoridom. Where’s the sovereignty in that!? Colonial ideologies have constructed certain discourses related to Māori women who have contributed considerably to the rejection of particular roles and statuses. Ideologies of race, gender and class have interacted in multifaceted ways to manipulate and undermine many of the stories, values, beliefs and practices linked to Māori women. The knowledge of Māori women has been marginalised and their roles redefined in line with colonial notions. Information related to Māori women has been ignored or re-written to become conducive to colonial belief systems.

'It is not a right to be seated in the front row of a pōwhiri; it is a privilege that must be earned by both men and women' It is not a right to be seated in the front row of a pōwhiri; it is a privilege that must be earned by both men and women. If women want to sit at the front row of a pōwhiri, first they must be part of the decision making process. Women must also be prepared to carry the weight of their people; that includes speaking Te Reo Māori, having a deep understanding and background of Te Ao tāwhito, and Te Ao hurihuri. Women must be able to stand staunch even if that means standing alone. Most of all, they must uphold the mana of their iwi with dignity and pride. Instead of seeing it as a gender issue, we must put our best people forward - be it male or female. By putting our leaders at the frontline, our people are sure to be protected and nourished. The significance of this discussion is to highlight the sinister nature of colonial ideologies and the power to which they have infused Māori thinking and the representation of our own cultural institutions. It is clear that the complexities of tikanga must be considered what constitutes speaking and who speaks on the marae. It is important that I highlight in particular the privileging of Pākeha male voices over those of Māori women. If we add to this idea that the paepae itself as a place for speakers is a colonial construction, then the critique becomes even more complex. If we are to accept this change for Maori, it must be implemented by Maori - not by a politician who felt embarrassed that she was asked to move to the back. For starters, any person in their right mind would know it is disrespectful to show up late to any welcoming, be it a ceremony or a powhiri. The kawa in Parliament must uphold the decision of the Ngāti Awa people. So, should women sit in the front row of a pōwhiri? My personal belief is this; if it doesn’t create World War III then I don’t see what the major harm is. Whakarangatira ai ō tātou nei wāhine! 23

You’ve achieved a lot of success on social media. Would you say the internet is changing the way comedians think about comedy? I think so. Comedians who weren’t naturally politically correct were having to force themselves to be in order to appear on TV/make a living. Now that’s not the case. You can drop a c-bomb online and there’s an audience for that. A bloody big one too. You’ve dabbled in a lot of different mediums from radio to stand up to film. What’s your favourite to work with? Stand up is great. There are no rules. In radio I got told I couldn’t say certain words and ideas. I didn’t like that. People need to hear certain ideas and words. On stage I have that freedom. Film is fun too, but tiring as all hell, especially when you smoke heaps of bongs. You’re currently working on a zombie apocalypse film – how’s that going? Shoot went really well. Jim Jefferies and Greg Fleet are super funny dudes (starring alongside me). Gonne be great to have a few generations of Australian comedians together in a Zombie slaughter-fest.

Australian’s man of many talents Alex Williamson talks to Matthew Cattin about standup, being loose and his appearance at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival.

You started stand up in 2007 – how did you get into it? How was your first gig? First gig was harmless, just a comfortable crowd and environment, people there to support me. Used to rehearse my stuff a whole lot back then. Now it’s just conversational. Also, my Dad attended my first gig, and now it’s probably best he doesn’t watch these days. There’s one too many horrible things he doesn’t

taught techniques. I went to l'ecole Philippe Gaulier who teaches around having pleasure onstage and showing yourself. It is a school very specific to him. He is a great teacher, not an intellectual who has developed a technique. Each of his students comes away as a different performer.

Trygve’s Talented Tentacles Matthew Cattin chats to the award-winning, super-talented Trygve Wakenshaw about his upcoming performances at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival. Could you explain to me what physical comedy is all about? When we talk about stand-up comedy we know what we are expecting to get; a wonderful human being standing behind a microphone telling jokes or funny stories. We talk about mime or clown and we get the image of face-paint and not-normal clothing decisions. Physical comedy is really a way of talking about comedy that isn't quite any of these things, without adding a label that would create a wrong image for what it is. You’ve had experience teaching at a prestigious clowning school. I didn’t even know such a thing existed - what it was like? Different to a normal theatre school where you are

Your SQUIDBOY show received much acclaim - is KRAKEN a completely new show or an evolution of SQUIDBOY? It's an evolution of a style that I began to get a taste of during the development of SQUIDBOY, that I never really nailed within that show. It's a sort of newclown openness/playfulness with the audience. How do squids/krakens relate to your show? SQUIDBOY is about a squid with a powerful imagination. KRAKEN has nothing to do with the sea, or sea-monsters, or boats or anything. It's just a title (unless you think you see a connection within the show, then it's totally that). Does your name give you a lot of grief? Where is it from? It's Norwegian. Quite a strong masculine name (when pronounced as the Norwegians would [treug-vah], mine is a mispronounced version of which I’m very proud [trig-vee]) which was popular after the First World War, it's a bit less common now. Or, a bit old fashioned. No grief has ever come from it. I like it a lot. You’re based in London now – what do you do over there? If I was there long enough to know I’d be able to tell you. This year I am of no fixed about, travelling

know, that I reveal on stage. How did you come up with Loosest Aussie bloke ever? [It’s] inspired by some of the people that live in my part of Australia. Their world is very small so they feel their actions are very big and significant, bit it’s important to understand, they’re not. What’s the loosest thing you have ever done? Yelled a swear word at someone out a car window and sped off. What can the audience expect from one of your Dumb Things I’ve Done shows? Some raw honesty. I’m a truthful guy, and I’ll show you some low moments in my life... Quite happily. Maybe you can learn from them. Any advice for those keen on attending? Don’t bring your Grandma unless she’s a cocaine fiend that loves the word cunt. Will you be bringing any musical elements to the show this time around? Yeah got the acoustic guitar with me. My favourite song to play in the show is about how watching too much porn as a child has affected me (deeply). Alex Williamson performs his show Dumb Things I’ve Done in Auckland SKYCITY Theatre 14 & 15 May. For more info visit www.comedyfestival.co.nz

around, spending no more than five weeks in any city. In London I had a few jobs backstage at various theatres, and also performing whenever the opportunities came up. Hopefully I’ll get to settle down in London a bit more in the near future and start getting jobs as a performer to pay the rent. Is it nice to return home for shows? What do you enjoy most about the classic NZ comedy fest? I love being able to come back to perform. The money is terrible but it's nice to come back after being away. Audiences get to see the result of a long gestation of a show immediately, rather than being put through the long slow process of development. What can audiences expect from KRAKEN? I’ve been told that if you've had a bad day or are feeling upset and maybe don't really want to see anything, this show will make you feel happy and great about life again. Maybe you’ll feel inspired. Is the beard gone? I like the beard. You'll like the moustache too. I like you a lot. Would you like to go for dinner with me when I get into town? I'll be around for a few days after the comedy festival. Text me, 0223452341, or email trygveisthebest@ gmail.com XXX Trygve Wakenshaw performs his two award-winning shows SQUIDBOY (7pm) and KRAKEN (9pm) at The Herald Theatre 13 – 17 May as part of the 2014 NZ International Comedy Festival. For more info visit www.comedyfestival.co.nz 25

JIM BEAM ME UP SCOTTY by Jess Forsman I am a Bogan. Yup, through and through. I wear skinny jeans, band t-shirts (that I actually listen to) and can head bang like no tomorrow. I’m five foot something and built like a beanpole. I listen to the ‘old school’ metal bands, the likes of Megadeth, Iron Maiden and Metallica. I thoroughly enjoy listening to epic guitar solos and I can air drum like Jet Li on speed (I am a drummer, so naturally I bust out the air drums). I am also thoroughly committed to the Bogan way of life. I spent $1000 to see Metallica in Perth when I missed out on tickets here, I went to AC/DC by myself (when I wasn’t a poor uni student unlike my fellow friends), I drink Woodstocks, I can have entire conversations using one word syllables and I enjoy the smell of burning tyres. But… I am also a full on nerd. I wear glasses and cardigans, I enjoy acquiring knowledge of anything and everything, I watch Star Wars in my onesie. I can read Harry Potter over and over again, with a splash of Lord of the Rings… Okay, I’ll admit I can write in dwarvish and pretty much recite the movie script… On Halloween I read philosophy books and ponder how people tick. I love comic books and intelligent conversations and classical music (playlists look like this for me, Faith No More, Mozart, Ugly Kid Joe, and Beethoven). Some ladies may get excited over diamonds, I get excited over Yoda impersonations and if anyone can sound like a wookie, I may propose (you have been warned).

During this time of identity crisis, I was listening to some sweet Nine Inch Nails tunes and reading up on black holes and the universe in general when I realised that yes, I am a Bogan - I fit the stereotype perfectly with my messy hair, tattoos and Docs. But I also fit the nerd stereotype - I wear glasses, I dance the sprinkler and running man like no tomorrow and I love learning new stuff. Then it struck me; perhaps I am a mutation of both of these stereotypes? Perhaps I can be both? Maybe, just maybe, I am a Bogannerd. Now this sudden realisation made me wonder, is there anybody out there? (If you got that Pink Floyd reference, please be my friend forever). So I chucked this out on the ole Facebook, clearly stating that I felt like I was the only one of my kind. As it turns out though, I was not the only one, oh no. I will end this story of self-discovery with a beautiful comment I received that sums up this mutation of awesomeness. ‘Oh we are around, just hiding in the shadows, our mullets lightly lilting on our keyboards, twisting through our fingers as we argue the latest differences between the Game of Thrones Book vs the series. Our comicon cosplay outfit drying on the warm bonnet of our commodore... Come join us as we merge K-Pop and metal in a montage of music, sipping on double browns and passion pop.’ –Anon To those Bogannerds out there, just know you are not alone. Keep on rocking on and above all else, may the Force be with you.

ON NOW

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A Queensland Art Gallery | Gallery of Modern Art Touring Exhibition

This project has been assisted by the Australian Government through the Australia Council, its arts funding and advisory body.

Image: Warwick Thornton, Kaytej people Australia NT, Stranded 2011. Commissioned by the 2011 Adelaide Film Festival Investment Fund. Purchased 2011, Queensland Art Gallery Foundation. Collection: Queensland Art Gallery.

inter-faculty sports series 13 FACULTIES... 6 SPORTS... 1 PRIZE... — The Sir Paul Reeves Shield Give your faculty the ultimate bragging rights! Inter Faculty Volleyball Friday 9 May

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Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Cover Bands

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Matthew Cattin rates is favourite fab four covers Joe Cocker – “With A Little Help From My Friends” (1969) Note to The Beatles… Please leave Ringo behind the drum kit. Kind regards, everyone. Having grown up with the Cocker version, it came as a surprise to discover the original was yet another Lennon/McCartney composition. Appearing on Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band, the cheesy track is sung in Starr’s rather dim voice. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great track… It’s just a little lacklustre. Cocker’s version however, well there is no comparison, it’s simply leagues ahead. Slowed down and given a bit of soul power, the tune really finds its feet, morphing into something powerful, spine-tingling and with drum fills glorious enough to kill a horse. Unlike the original, it uses dynamics, space and some of the most goosebump-inducing screams in music. Do yourself a favour and watch the Woodstock version. U2 – “Helter Skelter” (1988) “This is a song Charles Manson stole from The Beatles... We’re stealing it back,” announces Bono on U2’s 1988 live album Rattle and Hum. He wasn’t lying. Taken from the legendary White Album, Helter Skelter is The Beatles at their absolute heaviest. Paul McCartney, usually so reserved and cute as a button, absolutely howls over the dirty guitars and descending guitar licks that punctuate the chorus. U2’s take is a bit brighter, a smidgen less filthy, but Bono’s vocals are on absolutely top form, soaring above Edge’s signature sound. Recorded at the height of U2’s career, before Bono went Super Saiyan douchebag, it’s a fantastic live cover from a band on a roll.

Eddie Vedder – “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away” (2001) I have a major man crush on ol’ Eddie Vedder so I may be slightly biased… But I do love this version of just one of many gems off of 1965’s Help! He doesn’t do anything revolutionary with it, choosing instead to keep it straight and simple like the original. It works though, and it’s worth a listen just to hear Eddie growl “HEY, you’ve got to hide your love away”. Michael Jackson – “Come together” (1995) When I was just a littlun, my folks bought Michael Jackson’s HIStory on CD, an album that I would go on to play every day for quite some time. Come Together was one my favourite tracks on disc two and again, I had no clue it was The Beatles. In fact I’m doubtful I would have even known of the fab four at that age. Anywho, the original is a bloody classic, but I’m not gonna lie, I prefer the cover. The Lennon/McCartney original has a loose, almost lazy feel to it, chugging along like a slow steady train to Starr’s skittering drums. Jackson essentially just tightens the song up, gives it some sass and attitude. He interjects a few of his trademark squeals, ups the attitude a notch and uses slap bass and distorted electric guitars to drive that shit home. I’m sure the version got a few backs up, but I s’pose when you own the rights to The Beatles’ entire catalogue, you can do whatever you damn well please. RIP. Wilson Pickett – “Hey Jude”(1969) What happens when you mix a Beatles classic with a black soul singer? Absolute aural bliss. Seriously, give this one a listen, it’s spine tingling. Pickett’s voice is phenomenal; think CCR’s John Fogerty but with more gravel and soul. Add in a saucy horn section, R&B guitar licks and some classic James Brown-esque screams and you’ve got a soul-tastic cover that will melt your ears off.

Across the Universe Soundtrack – “Let It Be” (2007) If you’re a fan of The Beatles, you’d be a fool (on the hill) to ignore the 2007 musical film Across the Universe. Yer, it’s a little cheesy, but some of the covers are blimmin’ marvellous and I’d say it’s worth hiring (who am I kidding, downloading) for this tear-jerking gospel version alone. If you have a heart however, I’d strongly recommend keeping tissues handy. Other notable covers from the film soundtrack include Joe Cocker’s grungy take on Come Together, Bono’s I Am The Walrus and Joe Anderson’s Hey Jude. Johnny Cash – “In My Life (2002) One of my very favourite Beatles tracks, In My Life hits me right in the feels every time I hear it. I interpret the lyrics as an expression of nostalgia and immortality; perhaps the thoughts of an old man looking back from the brink of passing over, contemplating life and love and everything in between. “All these places have their moments, with lovers and friends I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living. In my life I've loved them all”. Hearing 70-year-old Johnny Cash singing it therefore, just over a year before his death, is enough to break even the most resilient of hearts, ie mine. He just sounds SO OLD. So frail and vulnerable… The vocals aren’t what I’d call strong, but it just adds to the character of the recording, it’s as though he’s singing it alone on his porch, trusty old dog asleep at his side. I want to hug him. Forever. Honourable Mentions Florence and the Machine - Oh! Darling Jeff Beck – A Day in the Life Stereophonics – Don’t Let Me Down

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What I Do With My Tuesday Nights, or, Why I Love Dungeons and Dragons. by Kieran Bennett When I was five, I often played ‘let’s make a thing’ with my friends. It was an astonishingly simple game wherein we would describe the thing we were going to be and then run around for about half an hour. One of my friends was often a samurai because ‘they have the coolest swords’. Being five, I couldn’t fault logic like that even if I had known what logic was. In any case, for those 30 minutes we were swept away as we threw ninja stars, breathed fire and generally made complete dicks of ourselves. It was incredible fun and all our other games paled in comparison. What came next though? What was the inevitable next step in our ever increasing quest to pretend to do more shit? Nothing as it turned out. As time went on we put it all aside and became vaguely pretentious, somehow believing that such things were beneath us. But then I received some books for free. These were not just any books however; no you see dear reader these books were veritable tomes. Three hundred pages apiece, my 13-year-old self gazed in wonder. These books were the stepping stones to the game Dungeons and Dragons, the zenith of make-believe. My Aunt and I eventually worked up the courage to open the books and peer squinty eyed at the tables and columns and great swathes of rules;

only to discover the whole thing wasn’t really that complicated and gosh-weren’t-we-worrying-fornothing. That sunny afternoon with pizza on my breath and sweat on my brow I announced with a slight tremor in my voice that I was Klognar the Half-Orc barbarian and my enemies would be driven before me. It was all uphill from there really. Dungeons and Dragons is essentially a fantasy game wherein you (and all your friends) play as the main characters (be they a belligerent ranger of the forest or a dwarf who collects chickens) of a story told by another one of your friends. They can range from the serious plight of the people of the town of Oakhurst whose crops have been dying mysteriously all the way to the less serious plight of Miffy the talking dog. And there is the beauty of the game. It can be, and often is, anything you want. If you have some dice, a piece of paper and a bit of imagination you’re already there. Not half way there. Actually, literally there slaying goblins and finding treasure. I thought that there was no greater thrill than throwing back tankards and throwing around swords as Klognar. I was to be proven, and continue to be proven, wholly and utterly wrong. My Aunt and I had just finished playing through a story that we had bought and were now faced with an overwhelming feeling of ‘well now what’? I then offered to have a crack at writing one of my own and retiring Klognar forever (may he forever slay a thousand goblins) and I suddenly became a Dungeon Master without even realising. The DM is that particularly insane friend that you have who takes it upon themselves to run the story that your band of heroic adventurers find themselves trekking through. My first foray into adventure writing was nothing more than a series of rooms that lead to a magic necklace; there may have been some zombies involved. I’m not entirely sure as all I do remember

is that I drew a map, wrote ‘NECKLACE HERE’ and ‘MONSTERS HERE’ then made the rest up. It was a total disaster, but it was incredibly fun. Since then my adventure writing skills have (I sincerely hope) vastly improved even if my map drawing skills haven’t. The characters created have gotten no less bizarre however. My personal favourite to this day was an evil elven monk who had made it his life’s mission to hone and perfect his martial arts skills by breaking faces. Predictably my friend called him FaceBreaker (one word) and nearly every action he took revolved around breaking faces. Upon entering combat he would attempt several roles to identify and analyse a monsters face for the express purpose of then delivering a face shattering punch. Not that it always went too spectacularly. After punching a spider in the face on one particular quest, Face-Breaker (one word) was struck down with a powerful poison. After the party’s next journey into town, Face-Breaker (one word) invested his share of the gold in a pair of gloves. He broke faces forevermore. Now I currently have a group journeying through t he depths of the earth in a deserted citadel in an attempt to find a lost brother and sister. They’ve narrowly avoided offending the queen of the lizard people, punched a baby dragon (while stuffed in a sack) and adopted the smallest of the lizard people. His name is Meepo. Dungeons and Dragons is, to put it mildly, freaking amazing. It’s an opportunity to completely escape to somewhere else that isn’t full of assignments, readings and real world obligations while pretending to be someone who is, frankly, much cooler than you. Klognar, you will always have a place in my heart. 29

Daaaaad you're embarrassing me by Laurien Barks I’m at that stage in my life where I spend next to no time at home with my family. I still technically live at home, but between uni, friends, co-curricular commitments and house sits, I pretty much just use the house to get a few hours of sleep on occasion. I’m absolutely loving my independence, but at the same time, I really miss my parents! I’ve always gotten along with them; they’re the perfect mix of friend and parent, and they keep their embarrassing ways as minimal as they can manage. Which let’s be honest, isn’t very minimal. My father is the king of all things facepalm. But at the end of the day, I guess all of his cringe-worthy antics have made a couple of pretty good stories. Today I have decided to share a few of his mall/shopping themed adventures. That’s right... He’s created so many embarrassing memories that we’ve had to start categorizing them. So of course there are the many grocery store moments that all kind of blend together because they’re so frequent and similar. The majority of them include racing down the aisles on the shopping trolleys, sometimes I tag along and stand on the end, sometimes I chase/am chased, and sometimes I pretend not to know him because it's way funnier if innocent bystanders think he's by himself. And while I do admire the fact that he is so personable and friendly, I can't help but be weirded out sometimes when he knows EVERY store worker’s name and life story and vice versa! At times I find it incredibly sweet that he wishes the deli lady a happy birthday without her even mentioning it, or asks the cashier on checkout two how her trip to Wellington went... But then there are the times when I'll be at the grocery store by myself, rock up to a cashier that I have never seen before, and they say something like “Oh hi! Oh my

gosh you look so much like your father! Did you guys end up going sailing this weekend?" And then an awkward turtle walks by because I assume that since they know I've been out sailing, I should know SOMETHING about them. I never do. I always wind up stuttering out “Yea…so um...how's... the family (reads name tag)…Sarah?” Then we move on to the times where he'll accidentally break something. The most recent occurrence of this happening is when we went to Spotlight with my mum a few months ago. She was looking at craft stuff so he and I got a little bored and started messing with some lawn ornaments. We found some deer-looking things, so of course he grabbed one and pretended to ride it. I laughed and then he kept doing it so I had no other choice but to roll my eyes and walk into the other aisle to see what Mum was up to. Barely two minutes later I hear a whispered "Laurien.... Laaaauuurriiieeennn." He was standing there, at the end of the aisle, gesturing me away from mum so she wouldn't see. I walked over there and he's giggling like a little kid and saying 'I broke it...' Bloody hell! He had freaking snapped the neck of this stupid deer lawn ornament and was now cracking up like a guilty but amused toddler. After recovering from our hysterics, the two of us had to stand it back on the shelf and arrange the head so it didn't look like it had been hit by a car...or ridden by a 45-year-old man. But does he stick to quiet, non-public acts of tomfoolery? No, of course not. The West Edmonton Mall in Canada has proven to be quite the location for putting on a show in front of hundreds of people. Because I’m writing to a mostly non-Canadian audience, I had best explain that the West Ed Mall is a giant mall that has a water park, amusement park, skating rink, submarine ride, rock climbing wall, as well as hundreds and hundreds of stores and restaurants. So you can imagine the havoc that can be wreaked on my embarrassment tolerance over there. When we were little, my brother, Dad, and I went to ride on these water-bumper boat things while

my mum was shopping. We ended up getting so incredibly violent and relentless against each other, that we attracted a crowd of spectators around the pond to watch us pummel each other with the water pistols. I'm talking steady, high pressure streams of water directly into any facial orifice that was available. The guy running the ride even gave us more time because the sight of a Dad ganging up on his little kids was just too hilarious to cut short. We ended up having to walk through the mall, leaving little puddles behind us because we were literally soaked to our underwear, and find mum. She then took us and immediately bought us new clothes because "My gosh, Barks! We can't have them walking around like this!" She surprisingly passed when we asked her if she wanted to have a go. On a later trip to the same mall, I had my dearest friend along, and we went with Dad to the amusement park component. You know those giant swing rides where you sit in a baby swing type thing and there are a million of them around a circle attached to chains and then you swing out wide and feel like you're flying? Well, we were all on this swing ride and it went on for quite a while, so Dad decided to make things a bit more exciting and start chanting. And what's more, is that he expected a response back to his chanting. And what's even more...he got one. Like a verbal flashmob, he shouted at the top of his lungs "COME ON SWINGERS LET ME HEAR YOU SAY YEAAA!" and I nearly fainted when I heard a resounding "YEAAA!!" I was like... oh my gosh, it actually worked this time! (he'd done it many times before and has continued to since). The chanting and resounding replies just kept coming until people who weren't even on the swing started to chant! I was too awestruck to even be embarrassed anymore. While Daddy, dearest, does embarrass me a large percentage of the time, I can't hold it against him because most of the time it's hilarious and the story that I walk away with totally outweighs the momentary blushing and palms to the face.

REVIEWS

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The Grand Budapest Hotel Directed by Wes Anderson Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Tony Revolori, Adrien Brody

Reviewed by Ethan Sills It may only be May, but I think I have already found my favourite movie of the year. Grand Budapest Hotel is the second Wes Anderson film I have seen. I enjoyed Moonrise Kingdom but was not overly wowed by it, largely as it seemed to prioritise Anderson’s quirky style over proper storytelling. So whilst I enjoyed the trailer for Budapest, I did approach it with a touch of caution. My fears however were proved entirely unfounded, as I loved every second of this two hour delight.

Thor: The Dark World Directed by Alan Taylor Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston

Grand Budapest Hotel tells the story of a once illustrious hotel in the fictional country of Zubrowka, which, at its height, was managed by widely popular concierge Monsieur Gustave, a man who lives for making his adoring guests happy. After one of his long time customers, the elderly Madame D., dies, Gustave and his new lobby boy Zero become embroiled in a scheme by her family to gain control of her fortune and take back the adored ‘Boy with Apple’ painting that has been left for Gustav. Anderson has a very distinct, colourful style, one that was clear throughout much of this movie, but thanks to a brilliant plot and a great cast the story did not get lost within these quirks with everything working together. The eccentric story is both hilarious and poignant at the same time, thanks largely to its excellent lead. I only really know Ralph Fiennes as the man who could have been a great Voldemort but got ruined by some atrocious directorial choices in the last two films. However, I thought he was brilliant as Gustave, and was definitely the best character and actor in the movie, and considering this is quite a hefty cast that is saying something (admittedly a lot of the roles are borderline cameo appearances, including Jude Law, Owen Wilson and Bill Murray). I loved every moment he was on screen, and he shines in every scene whether being funny, angry or quietly sombre. Newcomer Tony Revolori had the second biggest role as Zero and he was just as amusing as his mentor, and all the many other roles are played admirably and amusingly and with complete conviction you wouldn’t see in many other movies. For those who love stories and directorial flair, this is a movie that will satisfy both of those cravings without either one being diminished. I now want to rush out and try more of Anderson’s work, but I will definitely be watching Grand Budapest again; everything from start to finish is a pleasure to watch, and this will undoubtedly be one of the best movies you’ll see all year.

Jane slips into another dimension where a metallic-like liquid enters her body. Unbeknownst to her, this is the powerful Aether which Thor’s grandfather fought to destroy hundreds of years before. Thor returns to Earth and whisks Jane back to Asgard, but the release of the Aether awakens old enemies The Dark Elves, throwing Asgard into peril and forcing Thor to team up with his treacherous brother Loki in order to protect his love. The first Thor was the first of the MCU movies I actually saw in cinemas and was one of my favourites of the original lot. It was an interesting change from the usual action flick, and had some spectacular visuals and great acting and action throughout the whole thing. Unfortunately, while The Dark World tries to build on its predecessor in terms of action, destinations and use of Loki, there isn’t anything very special about it. None of the Marvel movies can really boast the best plots, but the main problem I had with Dark World is that its main plot seems like the secondary concern of everyone involved. The whole Aether and Dark Elves part of it gets rather brushed over when it comes to the other plots such as Thor’s relationship with his brother and his lover.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills With Captain America 2 dominating cinemas around the world, the Marvel Cinematic Universe seems to be on a roll. But while Steve Rogers has his next solo adventure already planned, there is no word on a definite release for a third Thor movie. With it now out on DVD, let’s take a look back at the second entrance into Phase Two of Marvel’s grand movie plan. The Dark World picks up after The Avengers, where Thor’s love interest Jane Foster is currently residing in London and trying to move on from her one-time godly boyfriend. While investigating strange disturbances at a warehouse,

The action here is much grander and some of the battle sequences are quite spectacular. There was also a constant stream of humour, largely thanks to Kat Dennings earning a larger role as Jane’s assistant Darcy, but at times the amount of humour was quite overpowering compared to the action taking place at the same time, and it would have been nice if some of the jokes had been cut to incorporate the plot more. I do hope that there is a third Thor movie, largely as the last minutes of this one set things up nicely for what could be an exciting final instalment. Hopefully they get a juicier plot to rival that of Winter Solider, and find a way to incorporate the large ensemble cast better so that everything falls into place more. This one stumbled a bit thanks to not enough plot and too much Loki, but is still worth a watch and here’s hoping what they did here can lead to bigger and better things.

Noah Directed by Darren Aronofsky Starring: Russel Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Emma Watson

his family embark on a quest from their secluded home after he has his vision, seeking counsel from his grandfather Methuselah, a surprising bout of comic relief from Anthony Hopkins. What builds from there, throughout the boat construction and impending threats, is a larger moral question about a man deciding what is right and what is his to judge. It definitely was an interesting film to behold, though not exactly memorable for all the right reasons. On the positive side, I think Aronofsky’s direction was the highlight of the film alongside the cinematography; the film looked beautiful with some breathtaking sequences. The CGI was good also, and though the animals don’t appear often, sometimes it is hard to believe none of them are real. Unfortunately, the rest of the movie isn’t great. It is clear the director saw the story would need something extra, so storylines involving the last of the wicked men - an army of cannibals and rapists led by their king Tubal Cain planning to take the Ark, along with a disturbing pregnancy storyline involving Noah’s son and adopted daughter are thrown in. I have no idea if these were in the original story, but if they weren’t then they make random additions to the movie and made it much longer than it needed to be.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills I think it is safe to say that, whether you are a Christian or not, the jist of the story of Noah is pretty well known throughout our world; a man gets a prophecy from God that he is going to flood the world, so said man must build an ark and protect two of every animal. That is essentially the plot of our movie, and despite its best efforts, Noah does not make that seemingly simple storyline work. Director Darren Aronofsky, whose previous film Black Swan I loved, brings the biblical tale to the CGI-filled big screen, with Russel Crowe staring as Noah and Jennifer Connelly as his wife. In order to stretch the story out, Noah and

The Lego Movie Directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller Starring: Chris Pratt, Morgan Freeman, Elizabeth Banks

What would have been a climatic battle in any other movie happened in the middle here, leaving us with perhaps the most awkward boat ride ever portrayed on film. The acting was fair and everyone did a decent job, but none of the characters got enough screen time to develop. The person we saw most was Noah, and he was completely detestable for half the movie. I am sure some people will enjoy the eventual but rushed moral message here, and the visuals and special effects are breathtakingly real; there was a good movie here, it was just buried under way too many unnecessary parts that pushed it to a point where nothing could save it. Though those disabled stone angel things were… interesting.

people behind the 21 Jump Street remake) to pull off a truly brilliant animated film for all ages. The Lego Movie follows Emmet, a seemingly ordinary construction worker in Bricksburg who is finding it hard to both fit in or to stand out. Everything changes when he discovers the mystical Piece of Resistance at his construction site, and he embarks on a wild journey across all the Lego realms as part of a plot to stop the evil President Business, whose doomsday device ‘The Kragle’ can only be stopped by the Piece of Resistance and ‘The Special’ who wields it. Duo Tegan and Sara released the song Everything is Awesome for the movie, and it is a very fitting title considering how great everything is about The Lego Movie. All the elements come together to make this a delightful, hilarious, colourful and heart warming story, from the excellent and unique animation to the constant stream of genuinely funny jokes (my favourites would be the sending up of Batman). An animated film is only as good as its voice cast, and they got a great team together. Chris Pratt provides the perfect voice for Emmet with his clueless hilarity and sweetness and is joined by Will Ferrell, who seems made for the villainous President Business. Morgan Freeman lets himself loose as the magical Vitrivius, and Liam Neeson plays on his own tough guy persona as split personality Good Cop/Bad Cop – just highlights in an astounding and talented cast.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills It has been a long time since I have been to an animated film, largely as I am past the age when they were essentially the only films on offer for someone under the age of ten. I still have fond memories of the likes of Shrek and Finding Nemo, and I think it would be difficult for any film to top those that were at the forefront of the CGI revolution. It is surprising it has taken Lego so long to join the animated film fray and to compete against these modern classics, though it seems they waited for just the right team (oddly enough that is the

The movie has a nice message about being yourself, but they did rather beat us over the head with this moral in the last fifteen minutes; it made the ending much less exciting and a tad too smaltzy for me – I am pretty sure most children don’t go to the movies for a moral lesson. There is still a lot for them to enjoy, and I am sure about half of the jokes were put in for the benefit of everyone over the age of ten so there is something for everyone here. This is the best animated film I have seen for years and well worth a watch no matter how old you are; everything here is completely, truly awesome.

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