How to Not Get Away with Suicide

BY EILEEN LAWRENCE

It was 2017, the day before Thanksgiving, and I was in Fargo, North Dakota. (My then-husband had moved us there from Texas a few months earlier.) I’d just put our two girls to bed, and as I crept out of their bedroom I heard my husband and his parents, who were visiting for the holiday, talking and laughing in our basement. I pulled on my heavy coat, my gloves, and my snow boots, and walked out into the snowy darkness. I felt tears freezing against my face. I was so unbearably lonely. And I dreaded the thought of going back home, where the people there made me feel even lonelier.

I remember when I decided to just keep walking. I would keep walking until I was too tired to keep going, and then I could just lie down in the snow and sleep. It would be so easy, I thought, and I wouldn’t have to go back home. So I kept walking, boots sinking in the snowdrifts, towards a cold and quiet death.

And then, a few blocks later, a question hit me: What would my girls do when they couldn’t find me in the morning? I slowed my steps. How could I take their mother from them? I stopped and turned around. The tears fell again as I walked back to my house, feeling like I’d given up. A few days later, I asked my doctor for a new anti-depressant. It took trying two more anti-depressants, a new therapist, and a divorce for my depression to get better, but here I am, so thankful that I didn’t lose everything that night in the snow.

Depression is a liar. Its lies are the most believable and insidious lies you’ve ever heard, because they sound and feel exactly like your own thoughts.

Your depression story—or your friend’s or loved one’s—probably doesn’t look like mine. But I’ve learned a lot about depression in the past few years, so I’m going to tell you what to watch out for. Depression is a liar. Its lies are the most believable and insidious lies you’ve ever heard, because they sound and feel exactly like your own thoughts. The same inner voice that tells you, “It’s time to brush your teeth,” or “I’d really like pizza for dinner tonight,” starts to tell you things like, “You have nothing to look forward to today,” and “This chocolate cake you used to love tastes like sand.” At first, these lies are infrequent and mostly harmless, so they don’t alarm you. Eventually, though, they get more frequent and more outrageous and they crowd out all of your rational thoughts.

Depression also distorts your reality. Everyone else looks happy and successful; you’re the only one who’s miserable, and that’s because you don’t deserve happiness. If you were a better person, if you tried harder, you wouldn’t be like this. It doesn’t matter what the reality is—all of the evidence in the world can’t compete with the lies that depression has crammed inside your brain. And if you don’t get help, those lies will kill you.

So if you have a friend, or colleague, or loved one who seems to have lost their way, if they seem sadder than usual, or less social, or if they seem to be pushing everyone away, don’t give up on them. Reach out to them regularly to ask them how they’re doing.

Listen to them. Encourage them to find a therapist. If they’re a lawyer, tell them to contact the Texas Lawyers’ Assistance Program (TLAP, tlaphelps.org). If you’re struggling with depression right now, know that life will get better. Some day you will not dread waking up every morning. You will experience joy again. You’ll be excited about the future. I promise.

So, how do you get rid of depression? Confide in a friend who’s struggled with depression themselves, someone who will listen and cheer you on. Contact TLAP. Find a good therapist. Work with your doctor to find a medication and dosage that works best for you. Whatever you do, don’t give up on yourself. If you feel like you’re losing the battle, reach out to a friend, TLAP, or the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

If you’ve lived with depression, I encourage you to be open with your friends and family about how it has affected your life. Living with depression, and surviving it, takes tremendous strength and courage. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Keep fighting. We need you. AL

The Austin Bar Association is committed to supporting all lawyers in our community. This year we have spearheaded mental health outreach in our attorney community through our Lawyer Well-Being Committee. Please go to austinbar.org/lawyer-well-being for more information. The Austin Bar also provides financial help for Austin-area attorneys seeking mental health support through the Justice Mack Kidd Fund. Information on the fund can be found at austinbar.org, Click on the “Foundation” tab, and go to “Programs.”

Additionally, TLAP offers confidential support for lawyers suffering from depression and other mental health issues. Go to tlaphelps.org for information.

Eileen Lawrence is a frequent presenter on ethics and public procurement, a former faculty member at the UNC School of Government, and a native Austinite. She practices estate planning with Ibekwe Law, PLLC.