What A Boring Year!

ENTRE NOUS

BY CLAUDE DUCLOUX

Yes, I hope that title made you smile. First and foremost, God bless all of you who have had to live and work since March with your own children underfoot. I would have eaten mine by now.

We will all remember 2020 for the massive impact it had on our lives, the legal profession, the country, the world, and how it changed us. But that shouldn’t stop us from releasing some endorphins discussing some humorous aspects of this year, as we enter the strangest holiday season in most of our lives.

First, I have a few lingering questions for the holiday season which need answering: 1. Does Santa Claus tweet? If not, why not? Since the U.S. Post Office is reputedly short-handed, you could get to him faster with digital devices.

2. And now Santa’s been busy getting Ms. Claus a green card (she’s Canadian). Under current rules, her scheduled INS interview will be in August, 2053.

3. Will there be a special holiday way to give the needy the extra pounds we accumulated during our extended workfrom-home diets? And is a ventilator an appropriate gift for the grandparents?

4. How do I taper off my Prozac if my heartbeat ever becomes regular again? And how big a supply of hydroxychoroquine should I have on hand for 2021? Is HCq an appropriate filling for my Christmas piñata?

The election? Well, due to my deadline (set by my very mean editor), I still don’t know as I write this. Time marches on, and so all of us must make some intelligent predictions and plans. So, if Biden wins, here are my thoughts:

• My Antifa membership dues are going to go up. So I may have to choose to stay in only the Deep State, and jettison Antifa. Deep State has better Halloween parties, anyway. (I’ll go as Dr. Fauci next year.)

• I might have to pay more taxes. But that’s not a problem because I won’t be slugging down as much Prozac. I might even break even.

• Biden will infringe on my civil rights by making me wear a mask. And I don’t know why. I have yet to see the actual virus anywhere. Oh, sure: “They’re invisible.” Pfft.

It seems actually a lot easier to plan for a Trump victory:

• TV gets easier: There’s only one station you can depend on for the truth. (You know which one.) I hear their new morning show will be directly from the Reichstag. Cool.

• I’m getting good at using buzz words like: “job-killer,” “security threat,” and “thugs.” Perhaps I can get invited to the White House. I could re-supply the president with more adjectives. He’s pretty much worn out “best,” “fantastic,” “incredible,” “beautiful,” and “perfect.”

• Kids in school can stop taking irrelevant courses like science. Woo hoo, no more AP tests!!

• Trump will produce a new game show: American Ninja Fact-Checker. Reporters will have two minutes to find every falsity in a four-sentence paragraph. Failure lands them in the Shark Tank—with real sharks.

I’m kidding, of course. Humor is the only way for many of us to retain a semblance of sanity. We are clearly a very divided nation, and I want to know more about the opinions of those who disagree with mine. Trump clearly had very impressive support in this election, considering the nature of the past four years. Much of it was clearly undeclared. There is a reason for that. Few would defend him from a personal perspective, but he is the tool for important policies, and also for some admittedly darker purposes.

And humor aside, I will be dedicated to any and every way we can try to heal the nation. I don’t know who will be in charge right now, which is unsettling. Whoever it is, I hope all lawyers and members of the legal profession will re-dedicate ourselves to preserve the Rule of Law. That is paramount.

These terrible divisions won’t be healed for a long time, but we have to start somewhere. I hope you all have a safe, healthy, and worthwhile holiday season. Let the healing begin.

Keep the faith. AL