Learn to Litigate for Fun and Profit Today’s Special: Habeas Your Own Corpus

Today’s Special: Habeas Your Own Corpus

BY CLAUDE DUCLOUX

Many of you are old enough to remember when, during the 1980s, a series of “Do It Yourself” (DIY) auto repair places opened up across the country where the weekend mechanic could take his car, put it up on a hydraulic lift, and ratchet like a professional … devoid of that actual skill, of course. Those businesses failed. There were too many serious injuries, falling cars, and requests for assistance from the local attendant—which later resulted in claims of faulty advice.

Professional skills are crafted through education, training, and experience. Nevertheless, emboldened by a false confidence that we can accomplish anything with the help of YouTube, most people think they can do, fix, or handle anything, especially when it will save them a few bucks. And now, it appears this DIY culture has come to the legal profession.

It isn’t surprising. The costs of legal services are not within reach of more than half the population. And certainly, there are routine legal procedures and documents that can be handled by a non-lawyer with proper preparation. Rarely, however, does that include litigation. Why? It’s all those stupid rules. When someone consults me about doing a complicated case pro se, I have this unerring advice: “It is perfectly legal for you to represent yourself in Court. It’s also perfectly legal for you to take out your own tonsils. You’ll do just as good a job in both of those endeavors.”

But most people can’t help but think, “I can do this case myself. I just need a few minutes of a lawyer’s time. I’ll be fine.” So, capitalizing on this flawed logic, enterprising companies have advertised that they’ll get you a lawyer to handle some nuts and bolts of your upcoming case, and you only pay for what the lawyer’s services include. This makes me nervous. It’s like asking to be taught how to take off in an airplane, but not how to land. No matter how good your flight is, your landing will be in the news, usually with the word “tragic” in the report.

Lawsuits are serious. Comments to numerous states’ disciplinary rules warn lawyers that agreeing to do only stated tasks might leave a client in worse shape than doing nothing. If “limited scope” representation can help you, great. But I doubt there are “limited scope” surgeons: “Yes, Mr. Plodnick, I’ll make the initial incision, and … just text me when you get that ol’ appendix out, and I’ll come back up here from the coffee shop to sew you up. Okay? Greaaaat. Turn your head. This could get messy. Here we go…”

Nevertheless, induced by coincidental desires of lawyers to make a few quick bucks, and of clients to save a few, I envision more of these unbundled services to spread.

If they’re smart, lawyers may follow the example of Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) health plans. You could provide “Platinum” level legal advice, or “Silver,” or perhaps the economical “Copper” plan. As it turns out, I have now run that idea through the appropriate message strategizers (we don’t have advertising firms nowadays, only strategizers, content curators, and message analysts) and, without any input from me, they knocked it out of the park. They got a cool name, and catchy slogan, and voila!

WELCOME TO THE ‘YOU GOT THIS’ (YGT) LEGAL SERVICE PLAN. Slogan: “Hire our lawyers by the hour, and give yourself some courtroom power!”

PLATINUM PLAN: For a mere $1,500, your YGT lawyer will: Meet with you in a lawyer’s office, prepare your pleading or answer, and provide up to five hours of consultation throughout discovery, motion practice, and trial, including form review and the inside scoop on your judge. You will be provided with a downloadable copy of the Texas Rules of Civil Procedure, and the Texas Rules of Evidence.

• ADD-ONS: $300 per hour after expiration of five-hour limit, and $500 per court appearance (by agreement only). Latin pronunciations extra.

• EXCLUSIONS: family law, post-trial motions, and appeals.

SILVER PLAN: For a mere $1,000, your YGT lawyer will: Meet with you at Starbucks to discuss your case for up to one hour, and thereafter provide an additional three hours of consultation, and supply you with a website address to the Texas Rules of Civil Procedure.

ADD-ONS and EXCLUSIONS: Same as the Platinum plan.

COPPER PLAN: For a mere $500, your YGT lawyer will:

Meet with you at Taco Trailer on South Lamar (you buy), and tell you war stories about his victories in J.P. #1. Together, you will review YouTube videos of My Cousin Vinny and Ally McBeal, and discuss appropriate courtroom attire. You’ll rehearse famous cinematic lines, like “No! You’re out of order!” and “You can’t handle the truth!” You will get Google-Maps directions to the courthouse.

• ADD-ONS: For an extra $300 (cash only), your YGT lawyer will handle your contempt hearing.

• EXCLUSIONS: Legal explanations, your lawyer’s cell phone number, and malpractice claims against your YGT lawyer or YGT.

Welcome to the future. Frankly, I prefer having the long-term relationships I have been so fortunate to cultivate with clients, many of whom have been instrumental to my development as an advocate and are now devoted friends. I guess I was just lucky.

Oh, one last thing. I don’t trust YouTube with legal advice. And I won’t until I see a video of a lawyer admitting that practicing law is hard work, it’s occasionally scary, and when you take it seriously, you make a big difference in people’s lives. And that’s worth more than money.

—Keep the faith. AL