Pushing the Reset Button When Life Feels Out of Control

BE WELL

BY SAM COLLETTI

Last week was a hard week. I had a trial set for Monday. I worked most of the weekend. I came to the office Monday not knowing when or if the court would reach us. We ended up rescheduling. I was tired and frustrated. I stayed at the office and tried to work on other cases. There’s still plenty of other work to do, I told myself. You’re already here, might as well work. You need more hours for the month. Ugh. So I half-heartedly “worked” the rest of the day, unfocused, not getting any “deep work” done. I went home irritated and not feeling like I’d accomplished much of anything.

I didn’t sleep well. I went to work Tuesday not feeling great. I stared at my now-blank calendar for the day. The dreaded blank calendar—brimming with possibility but laced with anxiety. I better prioritize this day correctly. Didn’t bill much yesterday, really need more hours today. Can’t spend too much time prioritizing, just need to get the clock running on something. Another unfocused day unfolds. The week is not getting better. Worse yet, I’m taking it home with me. I’m not fully present with my kids and my wife. I’m irritable. I’m beating myself up about “not having a good week” and that internal narrative is keeping me from truly engaging with my family. Then the weekend comes and the real work begins—taking care of three kids (ages 7, 3, and 1) all weekend, with all the restrictions the pandemic has forced upon all of us. I have to get my mental/ emotional wagon out of the ditch—but how?

I need to push the reset button—get out of my own head and out of the negative thought-pattern. I find that changing my physical state changes my mental state. I’ll go for a run or walk outside, by myself, as deep into nature as is possible, with no expectation about time or distance. I focus on regulating my breathing and noticing my immediate environment. If I can’t do that, I might just do a quick workout and stretch in the driveway. The hard part for me has been letting go of expectations of what exercise should look like. I remind myself that I exercise for three reasons: (1) for sleep quality; (2) for mental focus; and (3) for emotional resilience.

The peace that comes from immersion in nature and mild-to-moderate physical exertion helps me hear what is going on inside me. Then it’s time to put some thoughts on paper. If I had any good insights during my exercise, I write those down. Then I just start writing down positive thoughts. It might be things I’m thankful for, things I’m excited about or looking forward to, or things that turned out better than I expected. Also I might text a few friends and just let them know I’m thinking about them.

The peace that comes from immersion in nature and mild-to-moderate physical exertion helps me hear what is going on inside me.

Once I do these things—nature, exercise, gratitude, connection—I am calmer and ready to process the stress appropriately. I do that by being curious (but not dismissive or critical) about the feelings I was having before. I wonder what this [anxiety, anger, sadness, etc.] is about? Without fail, that line of questioning leads me to my self-constructed fear contagion. For example, I’m afraid that if I don’t win this hearing the client will lose faith in me and the judge will think I’m an idiot and pretty soon the whole world will know I’m a terrible lawyer (and so forth into oblivion)… Then I play the “is that really true?” game and examine each step in the fear contagion. (Note: it is not a fun game, but it is the path out of that darkness.) The answer, of course, is no, none of those things are really true. They are just stories my mind thinks up that are based on some fear or insecurity. Sometimes with a particularly thorny negative thought, it helps me to write out a worst-case scenario. Writing it down takes the sting out of it, and allows me to make a plan rather than stay paralyzed in fear.

Let me be clear: None of this comes naturally to me. I had to be taught these things, and I have to continually practice them. None of us can argue ourselves out of feeling a certain way. But we can, and must, get ourselves grounded and then do the work of compassionately examining our feelings. And next time, I’ll do it on Monday afternoon! AL

Sam Colletti is a partner at Noelke Maples St. Leger Bryant. He is board certified in family law and is a member of the Austin Bar’s Lawyer Well-Being Committee.