The Naturalist's Bestiary by Austin Dimmig

Natural Observations of a Foreign Continentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Local Fauna or

The Naturalistâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Bestiary

Researched and journalized by Dr. Edgar Cunningham

Compiled into legible format by Austin Dimmig

ÂŠ 2016 all rights reserved. No part of this product may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Printed by blurb.com Written, illustrated, and designed by Austin Dimmig This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Contents Foreword 9 Introduction 11 Lion

Panther

Hyena

Ape

Satyr

Bear

Bee

Ant

Wolf

Ostrich

Phoenix

Dragon

Worms

Dedicated to the author Dr. Edgar Cunningham for his vast contributions in the field of imagination

Foreword Edgar Cunningham’s Natural Observations of a Foreign Country’s Fauna was found aboard The Traverser, a ship discovered floating in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean in 1903. Its lone crewman, Dr. Cunningham, was found with it. His body lay sprawled on a mountain of books. The events surrounding this journal remain somewhat of a mystery. Dr. Cunningham sailed on a seemingly doomed voyage to nowhere, yet his personal journal returned filled with notes of fantastical creatures. Historians have produced several competing theories on what happened to the renowned explorer, including: •

Dr. Cunningham did not have the correct prescription for his spectacles and misinterpreted everything presented to him.

•

Dr. Cunningham was inexplicably transported to another universe in which animals such as wolves and ostriches have eccentrically and satyrs really exist.

•

Dr. Cunningham stocked crates full of hallucinogenic drugs on his ship and studied his medieval bestiary a little too intently. He never left the ship.

It’s true that this journal and the eleventh century authentic medieval bestiary found aboard the vessel share many things in common; strange descriptions, mythological creatures, and mismatched body parts. The medieval writers of the bestiary related animals’ appearances and behaviors to the life of Jesus and story of Creation as chronicled in the Bible, all without ever seeing many of the creatures themselves. The traits they assigned to their bestiary animals are strikingly similar to this book. However, we will never truly know what happened. The journal of Dr. Edgar Cunningham is most commonly on display at its home in the Chicago Museum of World Exploration. The contents of the journal can be studied conveniently in this book, as no one wants to road trip to Chicago. With the coming introduction, we begin Edgar’s first journal entry. I recommend keeping a salt shaker handy while studying and taking each entry with a grain of salt.

Introduction Greetings future reader! My name is Edgar Cunningham, world famous explorer. The past few months I’ve been preparing for the journey of a lifetime. My food is stocked, my suit is pressed, and my glasses prescription is up to date. For what, you ask? I plan to sail across the Atlantic in search of unexplored territory. More specifically, I hope to record new and exciting species of animals. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of cataloging unique animals to the benefit of my fellow man. At that age, my peers would tell me, “stop talking so funny. I don’t want to read a stupid book by you, stinky-head!” But as I grew older my peers grew more mature. Soon they actually encouraged me to sail as far away as possible in search of animals. How the tides have turned! Anyway, what you hold in your hands is my notebook of observations. Any animals I find in whichever continent I land will be catalogued in the following pages. In the footsteps of the famous Charles Darwin, I will do my best to sketch what I see and give analysis. But better than Darwin, because I am a better artist! My mother said so. I am a bit nervous of what is to come. You see, I couldn’t get a single soul to accompany me on this venture. It is anyone’s guess why I ran into such trouble; this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, after all. Perhaps it is because I was too poor to pay any crew after buying this ship. Ships are expensive, have you ever tried to buy one? Maintenance alone is a nightmare, with the barnacles and the rats and the leaks. I don’t wish ship ownership on my enemies. But perhaps my lack of specific destination has scared sailors from my expedition as well. What worries me most is that no one will believe my findings if I venture alone. No... I mustn’t worry. They will believe me. Everyone respects me too much to do otherwise. Besides, what could I find that would be totally unbelievable? The sun rises in the sky now and I must set sail. Congratulations on choosing this soon-to-be excellent journal to read, and may you live to be a tenth of the explorer I am. Excelsior! - Edgar Cunningham

Lion (Leo) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Oversized cat Height : 4’8” - 5’1” from shoulders Weight : Approximately 500 lbs Number encountered : 2 Cuteness : 8/10

Notes from personal diary: Ah, the mighty lion! I came across one of these fellows in a field of grass. He and the missus were gathered around what I assumed to be either today’s or yesterday’s breakfast. The female lion lay facing the red mass and I judged from her belches and her whiskers (covered in a chunky substance) that she wasn’t feeling well. I found myself amazed that she was able to heave up such a large amount of food. The head of the household left for a moment and returned carrying a rather upset ape. Before I knew what I was seeing, the male lowered the ape into the female’s mouth like a mother bird giving her baby the earliest worm she could find. The missus gnawed on the creature and I tried my hardest not to memorize the horrifying sound the thing made. Soon the lion looked visibly relieved, lifting her head and sniffing my direction. The lion must eat chimpanzees as some sort of Tylenol concoction. If only our medicines were created so naturally. I only had a moment to reflect on this thought before the whole bread-winning portion of the family leapt toward me and I made my frightful escape. A few days later I ran into the rotting corpses of the same two lions. What on Earth could have happened? I performed an impromptu autopsy of one of the cats, as I always carry my latex gloves in case of such an event. All I could find inside or outside the beast was a small insect the size of a thumbtack. I assumed it was a horrifying killer, being the only possibility, and I deemed the thing “liontophone”. I chucked it far and went on my way.

Panther (Panthera pardus) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Oversized cat Height : 4’ - 4’2” from shoulders Weight : Approximately 325 lbs Number encountered : 9 Cuteness : 7.5/10

Notes from personal diary: What a boring creature the panther is. Worse than a sloth in terms of entertainment value. So were my thoughts as I watched the animal lap up the last of an elk-like creature and collapse into a food coma. After a few hours of hiding in the brush, my eyelids sagged down far enough that I knew I couldn’t stare at this Garfield-on-a-Monday lethargic cat any longer. I stood up and performed a stick poke, the equivalent of tapping on the glass in the wild. Its chest raised up and down, but otherwise was motionless. I returned to my brush and made camp. I swear on my life, I sat in that camp for nearly 72 hours staring at that sight akin to paint drying. I was awoken at some point to the sweetest smell I had ever heard, like cheeseburgers and roses. My pleasant awakening was made better when I heard the panther roaring. No longer would it bore me to tears! When I peeked over the brush, all manner of ape, bird, rat, and insect were crowding around the panther. I realized just then that panthers must have the sweetest morning breath of all time. Plus animals must love cheeseburgers and roses too! The posse followed the panther as he left the clearing, most likely to brush his teeth. I must remember this animal when I move to phase two of my exploration plan: get rich. Panther perfumes would be the next big thing in men’s personal grooming. Well, that is until the environmentalists get their hands on my development techniques.

Hyena (Crocuta crocuta) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Ugly rat/ wolf combination Height : 3’6” - 3’10” from hunchback Weight : Approximately 320 lbs Number encountered : 4 Cuteness : 3/10

Notes from personal diary: A hyena is a wretched creature. Where do I begin to describe its nightmarish behavior? I’ve found that a hyena’s home is wherever the other animals buried their loved ones. They live in the jungle catacombs feeding on the bodies of the deceased (side note: there are jungle catacombs. Is that weird? I feel like that’s weird.). One hyena I saw made a wet heaving sound, attracting the attention of the, ahem, less refined animals that are drawn to such a mess. When the birds and little mice arrived they were quickly eaten by the conniving hyena. I saw a dog chasing a hyena, looking as though he just caught the creature in bed with his wife. As soon as the dog touched the hyena’s shadow, inches from biting off his heels, the barking stopped. The dog’s tail shot between his legs and he fell back in surprise. The hyena’s shadow must have the ability to steal voices like a merwitch! On one especially horrifying night, I woke to a hyena imitating a woman’s cries for help just outside my tent. I don’t know if it was trying to lure me out or get the police called on me, but I did not leave the cotton canvas safety of my tent that night. Hyenas aren’t all bad though. I killed one the other day and happened upon the contents of its eyeballs. Inside the normal ewwy-gooey eyeball guts was a rock-hard stone. I’d have recognized the object anywhere; this was a philosopher’s stone that allowed foresight into the future when sucked upon! I will need to find a subject with a larger mouth than mine to test the artifact.

Ape (Pan troglodytes) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Basically human Height : 4’6” - 5’ Weight : Approximately 160 lbs Number encountered : 22 Cuteness : 6.5/10

Notes from personal diary: Concerning the freakish half-human half-hairy-human combo, the ape: I don’t like them. I’m not specist because I have a reason I don’t like them. I watched a mother ape throw her young to escape a lion in pursuit. Yes, a mother carrying two little baby ape twins threw one backwards while escaping to save herself. I assume she threw whichever twin she loved the least, but even so, what kind of mother plays favorites like that? The weirdos seem to share emotional ties with the moon. I happened across a gaggle of apes looking like they just heard about John Lennon’s death. I would’ve assumed that were the case if not for their craned necks directing them towards the empty night sky. I made a new hypothesis and came back to observe them a few weeks later. Sure enough, I basically walked into the iconic scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey. The apes danced and screeched and altogether made fools of themselves. The moon was nearing the fullest night of its cycle. Maybe they think the moon is made of cheese? Honestly I couldn’t tell you, but the creature’s habits gross me out. Let me put it this way: I heard in church once that when Lucifer was banished from heaven and sentenced to eternal misery, his tail was ripped from his backside. Apes also do not have tails. Coincidence? Nope. Evil beings, those apes are.

Satyr (Satyros) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Furry enchanter Height : 6’1” - 6’3” Weight : Approximately 150 lbs Number encountered : 2 Cuteness : 4/10 (10/10 handsome)

Notes from personal diary: Dear diary, today I met the cutest guy! Okay, well half-man half-horse (maybe some ape too?) thing. I wish my artistic abilities could match the beauty I saw in those eyes, lips, and cheekbones. Like Da Vinci painting the Mona Lisa again and again, never quite matching her mysterious charm, so too I couldn’t quite get the shading around the eyes right. This man (no, satyr, I must remind myself) was furry from head to toe with a wide tail and horns. By no means should I have found him so approachable, perhaps with the exception of those pectoral muscles. But it was that face; that beautiful face. He carried some sort of magical staff for casting spells, or maybe hexes. You know, just purely scientific stuff. I didn’t pay the device too much mind while observing, but I did my best to recreate it. Oh to be the hand guard on that staff that I might brush past that face... I’m not sure what that last entry was in honesty. I believe the satyr placed some sort of spell on me that I’ve only now recovered from. Quite embarrassing. I would tear the page from my diary, but I have important notes on the opposite side. I will do my best to scribble out the entry. I request that, if this diary makes it into one of my peers’ hands, please do not publish these entries. Satyrs are dangerous beings and, like wild parties and the Internet, I do not recommend mixing them with journalizing.

Bear (Ursidae) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Deceptively cuddly predator Height : 5’8” - 6’ from shoulders Weight : Approximately 800 lbs Number encountered : 8 Cuteness : 9/10

Notes from personal diary: Today for the first time I came across a mighty bear. It was lapping up ants like they were a bag of potato chips. I watched for a while until the bear had its fill and lumbered away. Along the trail the bear came across a beehive. “No,” I thought, “no way will he be that predictable.” Sure enough, the bear stood on its hind legs and snapped at the hive, tearing it from the tree and smashing it on the forest floor in one motion. The bear repeated his action with the ants, this time whilst being stung in the eyes by the biggest swarm of bees I have ever seen. It didn’t mind much. After having her fill, the bear backed away from the mess and moved on down the trail. I could see a mountain of poison must have been poked into the poor thing’s head as it wandered around without visible eyes. It seemed to catch a scent and walk towards a herb. Bowing down, the furry giant rubbed herself on the plant. When her head rose, the bumps were gone. What an amazing plant! I grabbed a piece after the bear moved on, but so far all I’ve developed is a rash. Stupid healing-powered bears. Not far down the trail the bear found her den and went inside. I stealthily followed and what I saw was probably the most hideous thing I have ever seen. A bear fetus lay in the den, fidgeting, excreting, and looking altogether dragged in by the cat. The shapeless thing had eyes that seemed to say, “please end it all.” The mother licked the cub’s face and it formed into something like a cheekbone. I must trust the mother knows what she’s doing.

Bee (Mellifera) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Insect (yuck) Length : 0.75” Weight : Feather Number encountered : ~60 Cuteness : 2/10

Notes from personal diary: Ah, bees. I’ve spent much of my time here studying these little rascals. I was stung by one quite early on and was so insulted that I decided to follow the thing home. Its hive was lodged in the carcass of an ox. After much observation, I still have no idea why. However, I have noticed that only bees specifically build their nests in oxen. Other insects from the same family builds their nests inside other large four-legged mammals. If I had to hypothesize on why this phenomenon occurs I would say that the bees have made a pact with the other insects not to step outside their turf in return for a monopoly on ox carcasses. The bee that stung me flew into his hive near the ox’s rear end, and I wasn’t about to approach the spot. I remember his little bee face and I’ll get him back later.

Bee (Mellifera) Notes from personal diary: Yesterday took a less than desirable turn. I approached the nest seeking revenge on the bee that defiled my pink finger. Find that bee I did, but he was not the drone bee I remembered. A tiny crown sat on his head and a robe drifted off his wings. It turns out that only king bees have a smooth stinger which allows the king to sting humans without losing his stinger and perishing. I wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t pleased with this turn, but it became worse still when knights of the crown burst from the hive behind the king. Their tiny helmets clinked against my skin as they surrounded me. I had no choice but to give myself up and be held prisoner. They have brought me inside their hive to a prisoner cell, and an unacceptably small one at that. At least I will be able to observe the bee caste system from here, surely rivaling that of humans in the middle ages. I must go before the guards catch me writing. Ironic as it is, bees hate writing because they canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t spell. Spelling bees are a human invention and I shall find none out in the wild.

Bee (Mellifera) Notes from personal diary: I made some great notes on bees while in that hive. The inside of their home is like a wax fortress; each cranny filled with offspring. I managed to catch a few battles from my prison cell ( the door of which my head rose high above), and they were pretty adorable. Knight bees clashed with knight bees as drones fought as cannon fodder. I believe the bees were fighting to decide who was to marry the king’s daughter, but I couldn’t hear their conversations. Just a constant buzzing sound. I watched one bee commit suicide in front of the king. What a cruel monarch that insect is. He stared and happily buzzed as the drone buzzed many an apology before turning his stinger upon himself. I couldn’t tell you what killed him -- the loss of his bottom half or the stinger in his abdomen -- but it wasn’t a pretty sight. I made my grand escape when an usurper of the throne made his move. A swarm of bees gathered outside the throne room and crashed through the door, which was made of little more than honeycomb. I didn’t stay to see what happened to my enemy, but instead stood up and shattered the hive into pieces. Luckily for me the ox had mostly rotted away in the summer sun, so the bees weren’t too attached to their hive. The lesson to be learned from the experience: if you are stung by a bee, don’t let it escape.

Ant (Formica) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Insect Length : 0.25” Weight : Feather Number encountered : Like a billion Cuteness : 1/10

Notes from personal diary: Ants are like bees without the fuzzy bodies. They’re hairless bees, like hairless cats. Nasty things with the appearance of fish oil pills. There is one habit I saw ants exhibit during my observations that I had never seen from ants before. Instead of stealing food from anywhere and everywhere indiscriminately, these ants stopped short of barley. Are these ants trying to watch their carb intake? I saw them taking liberally from the wheat fields, so I don’t think so. Are they recovering alcoholics? It’s a strong possibility, because they would not touch the stuff. Anyway, they would take the wheat and pile it in a food hole. A few guard ants, complete with spears, stood watch over the hole. When an invader got near, however... they did nothing. They watched silently at their food was taken away, dooming the colony to starvation. Why would they do that? Are ants blind? I’ve seen their little eyes, but who knows. Maybe they poisoned their own food supply and it’s a clever trap. Either way, these ants leave me scratching my head.

Wolf (Lupus) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Oversized dog Height : 4’ - 4’3” from hunchback Weight : Approximately 110 lbs Number encountered : 10 Cuteness : 5/10

Notes from personal diary: The wolf is possibly the most formidable foe I’ve come across for several reasons. I followed a wolf pack for what felt like months. You know the Friends theme song, with the line, “It hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year”? That describes the lives of these wolves, yet they were still alive. They did not starve. First the wolves found the smallest animals to devour, as there was no larger prey around. When they couldn’t find any animals for several days they stuck their heads in the ground and began eating. At first they seemed to be eating insects, but no, it was plain dirt. I think my dog did that once and regretted it soon after. Unlike my dog, these wolves ate a meal of dirt and continued on. They ate dirt for a week, and though I tried to do the same I found myself largely unable. Eventually they crossed rocky terrain without even dirt to rely on. I do not lie when I tell you they opened their mouths and began eating wind. The wind itself. If I could eat wind I don’t think I would bother eating at all. Think of the money you could save without all that takeout. Only a few days after the wind-eating incident, the wolves caught a whiff of the chicken marsala I had prepared myself. I cursed my exquisite tastes in cuisine as I leapt over logs and climbed up a rock face attempting to escape my pursuers. Those wolves weren’t one to be stopped by simply gravity, and they leapt after me in a single bound, Superman-style. Only when I dropped my dinner did they leave me be. Don’t try to outrun hungry wolves, people.

Ostrich (Struthio) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Camel bird Height : ~7’2” Weight : Approximately 300 lbs Number encountered : 4 Cuteness : 4/10

Notes from personal diary: When I look at an ostrich, I don’t know what I’m looking at. It doesn’t register. I see wings on a seven foot bird, but obviously it does not fly. I see the head of a falcon and the feet of a camel. I don’t understand what possible conditions caused this creature to evolve. It can’t even remember where is laid its eggs. I watched a few ostriches wander onto the beach, lay eggs, leave to get a bite to eat, and come back with no memory of what they did. They have the brains of goldfish. The ostrich is another animal, like the ape, who looks to the night sky for instructions on how to live their lives. Before laying their eggs, the ostriches peered toward the stars to catch a glimpse of ‘Pleiades’. This star gives them permission to start laying eggs. I wonder what their punishment would be if the did not listen to Pleiades’ instructions. Maybe the star would be so angered it would transform them into a smaller, less hideous, more flying birds. Stars have the ability to do that, right?

Phoenix (Phoenix) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Immortal bird Height : 1’ - 1’5” Weight : Approximately 15 lbs Number encountered : 1 Cuteness : 5/10

Notes from personal diary: I’ve come across the new discovery I’ve been waiting for: the phoenix! Previously a bird only mentioned in legends, I have now seen the bird with my own eyes. I stood one night staring into my fire. Nearby I left a fish cooking to golden perfection. Whilst lost in my thoughts, the fish fell into the fire and sparks flew out from the pit. Not one second later, I heard a whoosh and the flames once again jumped. Now a fiery bird stood within the ashes, clawing at the fish and screaming bloody murder. I watched in awe as the creature flew around the encampment, piercing my ears with its screams and knocking several more sticks into the campfire. The fire surged ever higher and the phoenix came to land, motionless, inside the flames. From the tales I heard of the creature I realized the creature must have been attempting the first type of phoenix reincarnation: building a funeral pyre and allowing itself to perish peacefully. The next morning I awoke and hurried to the fire to see what had become of the phoenix. Surely it must reincarnate and live on for another 500 years! Right between a pile of fish bones and a pile of crow bones was a worm. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I had truly been greeted by the phoenix, the most majestic of all avian creatures. I held the worm for a moment and wished it a happy birthday, then left it to sprout its wings in privacy. I have no doubt in my mind that when I return home this discovery will put me on the map.

Dragon (Draco) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Winged dinosaur Length : 12’ - 90’ Weight : 1,000 lbs - 10,000 lbs Number encountered : 4 Cuteness : 3/10 - 8/10

Notes from personal diary: Dragons are a bit of an underwhelming creature. I have heard stories of dragons destroying entire cities and capturing princesses. In all honesty they behave exactly as the appear: like overgrown lizards. Sure they can be overgrown by about 89 feet, but they love basking in the sun as much as the next reptile. In my observations I wanted to pick apart what made a dragon different. Well, the size, wings, and adorable pointed ears are good starts. Observing more closely brought me to the conclusion that there are several subspecies of dragons with attributes that would not befit a lizard. The asp, for example, is the only dragon which can belch flames. I watched an asp attempt to prevail above the bear fetus as the nastiest thing I have observed as he bit into a deer. The fangs of the asp are of a unique poison which kills the victim by sweating blood. The deer slowly, agonizingly leaked blood onto the ground and the asp watched it like a microwaved meal. A psychopath, that thing is. I also came across an anphivena; a two headed dragon with the ability to move either direction very quickly. I felt sorry for the tail-head at first, who surely received his fair share of unwanted smells. But I soon forgot the head’s plight when I saw the other subspecies of dragon just a few yards away. It had its head up through an alligator’s mouth, down the throat, most likely into the stomach, and up through its spine. Not a sight I had been hoping to see, this hydra dragon took its share of guts and slithered back into the river it came from. Don’t swim without a lifeguard kids.

Worm (Annelida) Notes on reverse page: Classification : Living sausages Length : 6” - 10” Weight : 0.25 lbs - 0.5 lbs Number encountered : Like a billion Cuteness : 0/10 - 1/10

Notes from personal diary: I have put off discussing worms since I began my observations, as I like to imagine such things don’t exist. If I don’t look too closely at the ground when I walk or too deeply into the waters as I swim, it’s almost as though there aren’t dozens of tiny nightmares around me at any given time. But as I run low on animals worthy of note, I must turn my attention downwards. Worms are wriggling, slimy, twitchy, alarmingly fast sausage links cursing the ground they live on. I will discuss my experiences with them and then be done with this horrid topic. The land worm, the most generically-named of all worms, is also the fastest. These are the bane of my sleeping existence. The first week I was here a land worm brushed by my leg and ever since I have lived in a constant state of uncertainty. What is that itch on my calf ? Is it a tag? Is my blanket scratchy? Am I allergic to something? Or... is a land worm preparing to bite down on my flesh in an attempt to commit suicide by giant? The latter dominates my mind and I find myself hopping around the tent at least once a week. The water worm I have not come in contact with. I don’t go in the water. Nothing is worth coming across a water worm. Its behavior is so wretched I would sooner sit in a land worm nest. I don’t even drink the water. I have been living off my supply of root beers I brought along for the past months. The insomnia is worth the ease of mind that comes with staying far away from water worms.

Worm (Annelida) Notes from personal diary: I have deemed a second type of worm a land worm. Why? Because they both live on land. What else am I supposed to name them? This type lives in the sand and likes to snip at toes. I wouldn’t call them much more than a nuisance if not for that wretched tail. These things, like all worms, lack eyes and therefore eyesight, so you don’t want to run the risk of walking near a land worm. Malicious or otherwise, a land worm will sting you indiscriminately. Imagine a very tiny blind man with a gun and you know how cautious to be. The wood worm likes wood. I have burned countless numbers of wood worms in my campfires. They aren’t the smartest things. I regret nothing, not only because they are hideous, but because the pests ate my walking stick. My back has been killing me since they chewed away that stick. I can’t find another stick anywhere near the correct height and thickness. Even if I get one close to the appropriate height, the sticks here are curved and twist around in my hand. No, the wood worm has inconvenienced me more than any other animal I’ve seen and deserves that fire. Rest in peace, sweet walking stick.

Worm (Annelida) Notes from personal diary: I’ve crossed paths with two very similar types of leaf worms: the caterpillar and the silk worm. I differentiate them by the silk worm’s cute bunny ears. These leaf worms are the least wretched worms in the family, lacking rigid teeth, lightning speed, or poisonous stings. They mosey around with their sausage bodies and eat leaves. The caterpillars I have seen are more like jobless bums, taking up couch space and donating nothing to society. They eat away at plants and never produce an ounce of anything. They frequently overtake the environments of the beautiful butterflies, getting in the way and hoarding leaves. I have begun flicking them off leaves in an attempt to preserve the butterflies’ homes, but I have seen no positive results of this yet. The silk worm, unlike the bum worm, produces silk thread after feeding. This thread is useful as a tethering material, with which I’ve made repairs on my clothes and created a tether-ball pole. Unfortunately the silk worms don’t recover well from being squeezed empty, so the tether-ball pole may have nearly turned them to extinction. I’ve left their population alone for now as I hope to make a nice scarf for this coming winter. It would be a pity to miss this deadline due to lack of the worms’ existence.

The final entry of Dr. Cunningham’s personal diary: I have gathered notes on many creatures and I believe I am ready to go home. This past year has been my most unique. I was alone with my thoughts for longer than anyone should be and I fear it might have affected my ability to take serious, analytical notes. Regardless, there is no denying the ground-breaking discoveries I’ve made in the field of zoology. Even more important is the progress I have made towards establishing my own animal-based establishment. The panther breath I’ve trapped in several bottles will be an instant hit among the showerless demographic, and the one-of-a-kind phoenix will be a hit at parties. One way or another, the name Dr. Edgar Cunningham will be remembered. I have packed my things onto my ship and made said my good-byes to the local fauna. I left some land worms with the apes, I check back on the bear cub to see how his formation turned out, and I kissed the satyrs goodbye. This expedition has felt like a dream; one I am sad is coming to an end. In many ways this fantastic land was more exciting than home. I felt a child-like wonder during observations, like anything is possible and the future could bring me anywhere. I was happy to be far away from the peers that put me down and told me I’d never accomplish anything more than a newspaper delivery route. To be happy is to feel in control of your destiny; to do what you wish to each day and to complete every goal you’ve set for yourself. I managed to achieve this happiness on my expedition and I almost don’t want to leave. Although there is pizza and women back home. Nevermind, true happiness lies back in the civilized world. Take me home Traverser! Excelsior! - Dr. Edgar Cunningham Naturalist and entrepreneur extraordinaire