to your elderly parents

For such a little word, “no” can be surprisingly hard to say, especially when you are telling a parent that you can’t do something for them. But what if learning how to say no could be just as good for your parent’s health as it is for yours?

By Kosette Lambert.

When you think about saying “no” to your parent (or parents), the thought is likely to be followed by a feeling of guilt and a list of all the reasons why saying no is not a good idea. But saying no is not only good for your wellbeing as a carer, it may also help your parent maintain their independence and, ultimately, their physical and mental health.

It’s all about positive self-perception, says Rachel Ambagtsheer, a research fellow and senior learning facilitator at Torrens University Australia, who studies frailty and healthy ageing. Ambagtsheer says that while it is normal for our bodies to undergo physiological changes as we biologically age, frailty is not an inevitable end-point.

“There’s a perception that ageing equals frailty, but that’s not the case for everyone,” she says. “The progression of frailty can actually be reversed or slowed with the right intervention.

“We also know that how older people view themselves as they age can have a real impact on both their mental and physical health. A positive self-perception of ageing has a protective effect against many of the negative consequences of getting older.”

A sense of independence and agency over one’s life are crucial factors in maintaining a positive self-perception. When we are too helpful and prematurely take on those activities our parents can still manage – i.e., we don’t say no enough –we deny them the opportunity to maintain some independence.

“While it’s tempting to step in and do things for our parents out of concern for their wellbeing, we may be depriving them of the right to assert their agency, should they wish to do so,” Ambagtsheer says.

Wanting to step back so your parent can do more and knowing that this could be good for them is easy. Navigating how to say no without feeling guilty can be more difficult. Here are some ideas that might help you to learn how to say it politely and know what to say in those difficult conversations.

Tips for setting boundaries

Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, but the more committed you are to the process, the easier it becomes. Natasha Steen, a mental health clinician based in Adelaide, says it helps to remember that if something isn’t working well for you as a carer, it’s not going to be good for your parent, either.

“Continuing to do these tasks for your parent may make you resentful,” Steen says.