Why talking about dying won’t kill you

Everyone has been touched by it, and we will all go through it – eventually. So why is death so hard to talk about?

Jacqui Williams explores more.

Death. Dying. Deceased. Dead. There you have it. You just read the four “Ds” and … you’re still alive!

So why is it that the “D” words create such a visceral response for so many of us? And often get met with responses like, “It won’t happen to me,” “Let’s talk about it later” and “Oh, I know I need to talk about it, but just not now.”

However, by deflecting these important discussions, we have, in fact, let one of life’s opportunities (notice I used the word “life”) fly out the window.

Finding Meaning

In his internationally acclaimed book, Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End, American surgeon Atul Gawande describes how we should be given the opportunity to live a meaningful life, one with purpose. And it’s only by thinking about one’s own mortality, what’s important, and who and what matters most, that we can appreciate the benefits of talking openly about dying, death, rituals, ceremony and what we want to do with our bodies when we die.

It can help to talk to experts to explore this more. End-of-life doulas (think of them as a kind of midwife for the dying), along with others who work in palliative care and endof-life, offer a space for people to explore these important issues.

Being Prepared

Benjamin Franklin was right when he (reputedly) said that “in this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes”. Despite longer life expectancies – largely due to advances in medical technology – as mere mortals, death is one thing that we can’t change. The truth is that 100 per cent of us are going to die, irrespective of whether we openly talk about death and dying or not.

We are confronted daily in the news by death and dying. And we don’t die from it. But when we have to face the reality of our own mortality – or that of someone we care about – our fragility around talking about death can leave us feeling vulnerable, exposed and fragile. But it doesn’t have to.

The benefits of talking about death and dying are literally life-liberating. So, let’s explore some of the reasons why we all should be engaging in more regular discussions about dying.

What we need to do is shift the paradigm from being one of fear of the unknown and being unprepared to one that allows for better preparation for the inevitable. By doing this, you get to take control –whether that be through conversations, documentation or both. Put you own affairs in order (e.g., through an Advance Care Directive, Enduring Power of Attorneys for personal/health and finances; and a will) so that your wishes are known and the important people in your life don’t have to guess what you want.

Knowledge is power. Knowing more about death and dying gives you a little more control over death – which, frankly, is something that we don’t have much control over at all. And, importantly, it gives us the ability to make informed choices.