HUSH GIRL : It's Only a Dream

~ 1 ~

I was wired. I wanted to take flight. I wanted to jump out the third-floor window. I may have been crazy, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew gravity would pull me down.

Would I even be able to scream?

I couldn’t stop my left foot from jiggling. I crossed my legs. As I grounded my left foot firmly on the floor, my right foot started going in little circles.

I’d been there the day before, but Matt had been with me. Matt had done all the talking while I sat in a stupor. Matt called my mood swings panic attacks. He explained how our lives had been disrupted recently by my insomnia and weeping outbursts.

“Nicki can’t seem to tell me what the problem is,” he’d explained. “Maybe she’ll talk to you, Dr. Jenske.” I’d promised to try. I was well aware I needed help if I was to ever get back to a normal life. I’d not only frightened Matt, but my precious girls. I could hardly let Molly or Olivia out of my sight because of my paranoia. When the doctor finally entered the room, I concentrated hard to sit still. I prejudged him. I didn’t like him. How will I ever be able to talk to him if I don’t even like him? I’d never been able to vocalize my feelings, so how could a therapist help? He’s staring at me. Is he waiting for an answer? What’s the question? “Nicole,” he sighed. His voice rose a tad as he asked me again, “Yesterday your husband said you’ve been having panic attacks recently. Can you tell me how they affect you?” I shrugged. I tried to think back to exactly what Matt had told him. I shrugged again and managed to squeak out, “It’s hard to explain. I have a hard time talking about myself.” He nodded as though he understood and it was perfectly fine. He looked down at a folder in front of him and wrote something in it. What’s he writing about me? A slight crease in the space between his bushy eyebrows appeared when he looked my way. “Okay, let’s start out with me doing the talking.” He smiled slightly, “We’ll see how that works. www,gloriazachgo.com